Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

What do you say, Eb? Are they ripe? Tell you in a minute.

That one is.

So is that.

Eb, will you stop eating them? We can't sell used apples.

- How else am I gonna tell if they're ripe? - Let me have one.

- That one sounded a little mushy. - That was my head.

- Well, that's ripe. - Come on down.

Yes, sir.

I think the apples are ripe enough to pick. Good.

And so are the bananas. The what?

I found it growing right next to the oranges.

What oranges? The ones on the branch below the hard-boiled eggs.

Will you-- Is it all right if I eat my lunch now?

Later. Hey, maybe I can find a papaya.

Yes. Maybe you can find another job. I'm not lookin' for one.

- Well, you keep bugging me, and you will be. - I'm sorry.

- Okay. Now, the next thing-- - I don't mean to keep bugging you.

- Well, then don't. Tomorrow-- - I'm just tryin' to cheer you up.

And just why do I need cheering up?

Well, if I had a crop of apples like this, I'd be depressed too.

- Look, Eb, did you get the pickers? - No, sir.

- Why not? - I don't know what kind to get:

apple pickers, hard-boiled egg pickers,

orange pickers, banana pickers or coconut pickers.

Where did that come from? I guess George threw it down.

You can come down now, George. George?

- Holy smoke! My monkey escaped! - What monkey?

That one. Hey, George, you came back.

[ Chittering ]

Hey, you're not George. What happened to George?

Oh, I forgot. It's George's day off.

Hi, Mr. Douglas. I'd like to talk to ya.

Well, I'm in kind of a hurry. I just want to ask you a question.

-What is it? -That's not the question. Would you like to ask something else?

You're the one who had the question.

I did? What is it? Oh, no, that was your question.

- Look, I'll-- - Now I know.

- Have you seen a monkey running around here? - A monk-- Oh, you mean George!

No, Clarence. It's George's day off.

You see, he works for us down at the agricultural lab.

He works for you? Yeah. You see, the chief had this great idea.

Well, it wasn't great. He hadn't had a great idea since--

- No. That wasn't such a great idea either. - Look, Mr. Kimball, I have to--

You know, there's a shortage of fruit pickers, and the chief's idea...

was to train monkeys to become pickers.

They learn easy and work for peanuts.

- That was a chief joke. - Whose joke are you?

Well, uh-- You'd be happier with another county agent.

- Yes, I would. - Well, you don't have to make up your mind right now.

- Think it over. - Mr. Kimball,

I was just on my way into Hooterville to see if I could hire some apple pickers.

Just a second. Ben Miller.

- What about him? - 'Bout who?

- Ben Miller. - Where did I hear that name before?

You just mentioned him.

Gee, I wonder why. [ Snaps Fingers ]

Now I remember. He's got a couple apple pickers pickin' pippins,

and as soon as he's through, I thought I could send him over here to you.

Oh, that'd be fine. I need them badly. Now, you won't forget?

Forget what? The apple pickers!

Oh, no, sir. I'm gonna make a note of that. [ Exhales Forcefully ]

[ Clears Throat ] Two apple pickers for Mr.--

- uh, Mr.-- uh-- - [ Snorting ]

- Oh, hello, Arnold. - [ Snorting ]

I thought that was Joey's paper route. What happened to him?

[ Snorting ]

Oh, he's sick, huh? That's too bad.

Well, see you around.

Lisa? [ Knocking ]

What? Excuse me. I've gotta answer the door.

Why? What did it say? It didn't say anything.

Then why bother answering it? Lisa, look.

I got enough trouble without-- [ Knocking Continues ]

There's somebody at the door. Yes, I know.

- Then why don't you answer it? - That's what--

It isn't polite to stand here and talk to somebody when you've got a knocker at the door.

Yes? What the--

How did you knock on the door?

Thank you, Arnold. See you tomorrow.

What was that all about? Arnold took over the paper route from Joey.

He wants to save up enough money to buy a color TV set.

A color TV? He's tired of looking at the world in black and white.

Yes, I can see where that would be a big hang-up for him.

Mr. Ziffel said he already saved up five dollars.

- Ooh. That's fine. - Of course, that's not enough to buy a color TV set.

Look, why doesn't he go to Las Vegas with the five and see if he can run it up?

Arnold doesn't gamble anymore since he lost all that money playing the horses.

- Playing the-- - This time, Mr. Ziffel is going...

to make him open up a bank account.

Howdy. Are you the fellow that I'd talk to about opening an account?

Yes, sir. Won't you come in? Thank you.

Will you have a seat, please? Thank you.

- Your name, please. - Ziffel. Fred Ziffel.

- Is that the way you want the account to read? - No.

- I want it to read "Arnold Ziffel." - Arnold?

- My boy here. - Oh.

- [ Snorting ] - We can't open an account for a pig.

[ Squealing ]

Oh, now, Arnold, don't get upset.

Remember? I've told ya that the world is full of prejudice.

- I didn't mean any offense. - Okay, everybody. Freeze. This is a stickup.

Get the cash. Move!

Oh. Slip the money in there, mister.

- Now, just a minute. You can't-- - Sit down.

- Just relax, pop. How you doin'? - Okay. Let's go.

Just a minute. Okay. Let's have it. Let's have it, will ya? Come on.

[ Squealing ] Knock it off. Knock it off.

Okay. Now, don't nobody try to follow us, or youse'll get hurt.

Hello? Hello! Get me the sheriff, quick.

Calling all cars. Calling all cars.

Be on the lookout for a 1952 gray coupe.

This car was used in a bank robbery in Pixley.

Approach with caution. The two occupants are armed and believed dangerous. 10-4.

[ Siren Wailing ]

Hold it, Barney. What's the matter now, Clyde?

I'm beat. Why did we have to ditch the car?

You heard the radio. They had a description of it.

- What are we gonna do? - We gotta find a place to hole up in until the heat's off.

I know I should've never let you talk me into this heist.

How much did we get? Sixty-seven bucks.

You said the bank was gonna have the payroll from the sawmill.

- That's it. - Sixty-seven bucks?

- Plus the five I got from the pig. - [ Groans ]

Come on.

Watch it. Hey, look.

Holy smoke. Tobacco Road!

It's perfect, just the kind of place we're lookin' for. Come on.

[ Chickens Clucking ] There you are. There you go.

I don't hear nothin'. Then open up the door.

What's the matter? What you wanna break it for?

He didn't break it. It always comes off.

Who are you? I'm the lady of the house.

Oh, you must be the fellows Mr. Kimball sent.

You were supposed to go right to the orchid. The orchid?

Where they grow the apples.

Oh, the apple orchid.

Yes, well, aren't you the apple "picklers"?

Yeah, that's right, lady. We're the apple picklers.

Would you like to have some coffee before you go to work? Sure. Sure.

Excuse me.

Hey, what's an apple pickler?

Somethin' you do in the orchid, dummy.

You know something, Barney? There's something fishy about this place...

and that chick in the fancy negligent.

I got a feeling that we should blow. What's the matter with you?

You couldn't find a better hideout than this. I don't know. I don't know.

You've done all right with me so far, haven't you? Oh, sure. Great.

Sixty-seven dollars. Seventy-two.

Oh, yeah. I keep forgettin' about the pig's five-spot.

Here's your coffee.

Hold it. Hold it. What is this?

Well, I didn't know how much water you wanted.

- Are you puttin' us on? - Putting you on what?

Lady, ain't I seen you someplace before?

- I've been there. - Used'n you to do a fan dance in Chicago...

under the name of Fat Mama Brown?

I don't think I've ever been in Chicago under that name.

Fat Mama used to run a bookie joint.

- Yeah. You got a horse room here? - Yes. Outside in the barn.

But the cow uses it because we don't have a horse.

[ Barney ] Hey, where you goin'? To get you some cream and sugar.

Look, lady, we don't need any-- [ Knocking ]

- Who's that? - That must be the paper boy. Would you let him in, please?

Yeah.

All right, kid. Let's--

It's the pig!

[ Squealing ]

- Do you know Arnold? - We never seen him before in our lives.

[ Snorting ]

Well, he seems to know you.

Who you gonna believe, me or the pig? Out. Out!

Beat it. Beat it. [ Squealing ]

You don't have to be so mean! Look, lady, we don't want any trouble.

Guess what happened in Pixley. Two guys held up the bank.

No foolin'. No. Here. Look at the picture.

Picture?

Ten bucks? You told me you only got five from him. I did.

The pig says 10. He's lyin' in his teeth.

How do I know? While I was stickin' up that teller,

you were puttin' the snatch on the pig.

Well, I guess we know now who the bad guys are.

That's right, lady. We're the bad guys.

Now, just sit down and keep your yap shut.

- What's my yap? - Sit down.

Well, I just asked because I wanted to know what I have to keep shut.

Down.

Wait till my husband gets home and finds out how you were yelling at me.

When your husband gets home, we'll take good care of him.

- You wouldn't "shoost" him, would you? - What's "shoost"?

- What's "yap"? - I think it means knock him off.

Oh, wouldn't we? [ Oliver ] Lisa.

That your husband? Oh, no, no, no. That's Harry, my next-door neighbor.

Yeah? Well, get rid of him. And one wrong word from you, and he gets it.

What's the wrong word so I wouldn't say it so he wouldn't get it?

Just get rid of him! [ Oliver ] Lisa, did you hear about the--

Oh, hello there, Harry. I-- Harry?

How are things on your farm next door, Harry?

What are you talking about? You'd better go home, Harry, because we won't be able...

to do any necking this afternoon because your wife is looking for you.

Lisa. Bye, Harry.

Lisa, is something wrong? Yes. We're through, Harry.

You might be through with Harry, but I'm still your husband. Uh-huh.

Husband, huh? Who are you?

That's Barney, and that's Clyde.

The bank robbers! I heard about it on the radio! That's what I came in to tell you!

Well, you didn't have to come and tell me, because they were here and I already knew.

If you want to run along and tell anybody else-- Nobody's goin' no place.

Now, the both of you sit down. Yeah. Sit down.

We'd better do what they say.

Did they hurt you? Are you all right?

Well, I don't exactly feel like singing and dancing like Fat Mama Brown.

Fat Ma-- Look, what do you want?

We just wanna hole up for a couple of days.

Now, if you two "cuperate" and don't give us no trouble, nobody'll get hurt.

- We won't be any trouble. - Good.

- Lady, make us something to eat. - There'll be trouble.

- What would you like? - Do you know how to make hotcakes?

- Oh, boy. - Make us some.

Uh, look, fellas. Why don't I just send out for a hamburger?

- Shut your yap. - There goes that word again.

- If you take my advice-- - We don't need any advice from you.

Somebody's bound to find out you're here.

Nobody knows we're here except you two and the pig,

and he ain't gonna tell nobody.

[ Squealing ]

Arnold, will you shut up? I'm tryin' to read my paper.

- What's the matter with him? - I don't know.

He's all shook up since they took his five dollars away from him.

- [ Snorting ] - He sounds like he's tryin' to tell you something.

Well, whatever it is, I ain't interested.

[ Continues Snorting ]

Nah, Arnold. You can't use the phone.

Why don't you get your ball and bat and go on out and hit a few fungoes.

What makes them "bloop" like that?

I often ask the same question. Will you shut up?

What do you got in 'em? I'm not sure.

What do you mean? It's a secret recipe...

that was handed down in my family from father to son.

My father didn't have a son, so that's how I got it.

Do you want to try one? Yeah. Sure. [ Yelping ]

Froze!

Lady, give him back his gun, or Harry gets it.

- Harry, what do you think? - Give him back his gun!

- His may not be loaded. - Give him back his gun!

Don't you want to try and jump him?

Will you please give him back his gun?

Well, here you are.

- You try that again, and I'll-- - You touch her, and I'll--

Sit down.

Dish out them bloopers.

Mr. Douglas, did you hear about the two bank robbers that held up the--

Hey, you caught 'em. If I caught 'em, how come they've got the guns?

Oh. Well, as long as you're having lunch, I'll be runnin' along.

- Kid, sit down. - No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

- Sit down! - Eb, you'd better do what they say.

He's got itchy finger triggers.

No, ma'am. You mean itchy trigger "figgers"-- uh, "fringen tiggers."

Will you two knock it off? You, sit down.

You, keep cookin'.

So you're the two big men that stole the $20 from Arnold.

Twenty? It was only five.

Arnold said it was 10 in the paper.

I don't care what he said. Who's gonna listen to a stupid pig?

- Arnold, what are you doing in here? - [ Snorting ]

- Get away from that phone. - [ Continues Snorting ]

If you wanna make a call, it'll cost you 10 cents. Have you got it?

- [ Snorting ] - No I.O.U.s.

Why don't you go home and use Fred's phone?

Now, git.

My phone bill's high enough without pigs comin' in here and makin' calls.

Hello. Sarah? Who was Arnold trying to call?

Now, who does he know in Philadelphia?

[ Squealing ]

That's right. Block off County Road, then send a couple of men to Simpson's Swamp.

And then you'd better-- Wait a minute. Will you please be quiet?

- [ Continues Squealing ] - We'll get your five dollars back...

as soon as we catch those two crooks.

Go cry on somebody else's shoulder.

Sorry, Jack. Now, you'd better station a car...

at the junction of Highway 6 and 14,

then station another one around 9, by the railroad--

These are good, just like my mother used to make.

No wonder you turned out the way you did.

- What do you mean by that? - Will you finish? I'm starved.

Okay, okay. Sit down. Let's have a stack of them things, huh?

Hold it. Did you hear something?

No. I didn't hear anything.

I'm not talkin' to you. [ Eb ] I didn't say anything.

I'm not talkin' to you either.

Hey, Barney, did you hear anything? No.

I thought I heard a kind of a grunting sound.

[ Snorting ]

Yeah. Yes. Thank you.

Just got a tip on a couple of suspicious-looking characters over at Crabwell Corners.

Now, I want you to take a couple of men and get over there as soon as you--

[ Snorting ] Look, I thought I told you to-- What is that?

It's the money from the bank. Where did you get this?

[ Squealing ]

Follow that pig!

All right. All right. Where's the bag?

- What bag? - That bag with the loot in it.

If somebody stole your bag, maybe I ought to go and call the police.

You ain't callin' nobody. Now, which one of youse took it?

- We haven't got your money. - Well, no one else was here.

Look. Look, Barney. Why don't we forget it? I don't like this whole setup.

Let's get outta here. Not without the loot.

What loot? A lousy sixty-seven bucks?

It was 72, countin' the five I got from the pig.

Arnold said it was 10. I heard it was 20.

If you've been holdin' out on me--

Clyde, what are we arguing about? For cryin' out loud--

I got an idea. Let's take the rock.

- That can't be real. - Yeah. That's right.

That's just a piece of cheap costume jewelry.

Then why is it insured for $42,000?

Lisa, you didn't have to tell--

Take it. Oliver, don't let them take my ring!

They wouldn't have taken it if you hadn't told 'em it was worth $40,000!

- Forty-two. - Let's go.

Let's go? In what?

- You got a car? - Yes.

- Let's have the keys. - Gladly.

- Let's have 'em, lady. - Never.

Lady, that ain't Fort Knox.

Lisa, give him the keys. No.

What do you need keys for? If you were any kind of crooks, you'd be able to jump the wires.

- How do you do that? - Don't you ever watch educational TV?

Come on! Give us the keys!

All right. Back up. Back up. Back up.

All right. Drop your guns.

Sheriff, how did you know they were here? Arnold tipped us off.

[ Squealing ] You said he wouldn't tell anybody.

If you knew anything about pigs, you would know they're all squealers.

Oliver. Hmm? Hmm?

How can you go to sleep with what you got on your mind?

I haven't got anything on my mind. Good night.

Well, some people go to sleep easier than others.

Yes, they do, and I wish I was one of them.

Then it doesn't bother you that the pig was a hero, and you were a chicken.

- What are you talking about? - You just stood there...

while the crooks were taking my ring without doing anything.

I did something. I shook pretty good.

Well, it's a fine thing. You were shaking while they were taking.

Lisa, they had guns!

If you spent a little more time watching television,

you would know how to handle a situation like this.

All you had to do was kick one fellow's gun out of his hand...

and give the other one a club with your karate.

Yes, I would have, but I didn't have my karate with me.

- Now may I go back to sleep? - Well, if it weren't for Arnold,

I wouldn't have my ring.

You ought to do something very nice for him.

Yeah. I won't eat any bacon for a week.

Even though you didn't save me, I still love you.

Oh, thank you.

- I don't feel as safe as I used to. - Good night.

Oliver, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

I'm glad that you didn't do anything with the guns,

because you mean much more to me than that ring does.

- I'm glad. - Anyway,

the ring is insured for $42,000, so if they took it, it wouldn't be any loss.

I told you that. Forgive me.

I was wrong. I love you.

And I love you. May I go to sleep? Yes, darling.

Good night. Good night.

Oliver? What?

How much are you insured for?

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.