All language subtitles for Green Acres - S03E19 - How to Succeed in Television Without Really Trying.eng

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Oliver. Oliver?
[ Mumbling ]

Wake up. Wake up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa. What's the matter?

- Where's the checkbook?
- Oh. The checkbook.
It's in--

It's 4:00 in the morning.
What do you want
the checkbook for?

I have to buy a thousand shares
of Cooper's Copper.

- What?
- I had a dream
that gave me a tip.

- What's the phone number
of a stockbroker?
- Will you go back to sleep?

Do you remember Carla Benson,
who married Jack Calhoun?

- No, I don't.
- Do you remember
their chauffeur, Cooper?

If I can't remember them,
why should I remember
their chauffeur, Cooper?

Well, anyway, he's the one
I dreamed about.

You see, Cooper was speeding,
and this copper arrested him.

That's how I got the tip
to buy Cooper's Copper.

- Good night.
- Well, where is the checkbook?

Lisa, I'd like
to get some sleep. We've
got a long drive tomorrow.

Well, that's the last time
opportunity's going
to knock at you.

[ Rooster Crows ]

You haven't
touched your hotcakes.

Oh, I've touched 'em.
They're nice
and clammy.

Oh, do you want to argue
about that, or do you want to
argue about Cooper's Copper?

There's nothing
to argue about.

Only a woman would think
of investing in a stock
because she dreamed about it.

If there's any investing
to be done, I will do it.

I'm glad to hear you say that,
Mr. Douglas, 'cause I got
a great investment for ya.

What did you
dream about?
Sophia Loren.

I'll put a few bucks
in that.

It ain't got nothin'
to do with her.
Then I'm not interested.

You're turnin' your back
on a chance to make
a million dollars.

That's the chance
I'll have to take. Now,
Lisa, you'd better pack.

I've gotta get
to the state capital,
and if you're not ready--

- What's the investment?
- Hooterville Electronics.

That sounds better than
Cooper's Copper.

Everybody says "electronicals"
are the coming things.

Electric--
You know what they are?

Of course I do.
That's where you push buttons,
and everything happens.

Golly. And I thought
I was gonna have to
explain it to ya.

Lisa, there are nine million
electronic firms--

But none of them
have Dillingham Watkins
as their president.

- Who's Dillingham Watkins?
- I thought everybody had heard
of Dillingham Watkins.

No. Some of us
have led sheltered lives.

Well, you see, Dilly--
That's short for Dillingham--
is an electronic genius.

His fame has spread
throughout Hooterville. Some
of it has leaked into Pixley.

That doesn't make him a genius,
just because he has
a leaky reputation.

You can scoff at Dilly
if you want,

but how many 10-year-old kids
do you know that own
their own electronics firm?

Ten-year--

Lisa, please. I've been
looking forward to seeing
this farm exhibit, and you--

Why drive all the way to
the state capital to look at
old-fashioned farm machinery...

when you've got
a Dilly Watkins right here?

- That doesn't do anything
for me.
- It should.

Dilly's idea is to eliminate
all the useless machinery...

by "electronificating"
the American farm.

- Electronificating?
- That means when you--

Let "Tallfellow"
explain that.

Electronificate means
that you can run
your whole farm with buttons.

Push a button to milk your cows
or bale your hay
or irrigate your crops.

No more yellin'
at your hired hand.

Oh, he'll probably yell
at the buttons.

He always has to have something
to yell at. He thinks it makes
him look distinguished...

when the veins stand out
on his head.

Lisa... I'm not
standing my veins out.

I mean, I'm not--
I'm perfectly calm. Now,
I'm going to pack,

and if you're not ready
to leave when I'm--
I'm going alone.

What about the investment?

I'm not investing any money
in a stupid electric--
There go the veins.

Oh, for--

I guess I should've
gotten his money
before I got his dander up.

Oh, well,
we don't need him.

I'll show him
who knows how to invest.
How much money do you need?

Well, the company
has to recapitalize,

buy a lot of new
scientific equipment
and instruments.

Twenty-eight dollars
oughta do it. That'll give you
a third interest.

You got it.

Dilly, where are you?

- Dilly?
- Here I am.

Dilly, you're on TV!

- Dilly, where'd you go?
- Stop shaking the set.

Dilly, how'd you do that?
With the TV camera I built.

This is more important.
This is something a farmer
can really use.

He can put it anywhere
and see what's going on.

Golly, you're a real wizard!
How does it work?

Well, it has a miniature
transmitter built into it...

so it can broadcast
right to your TV set.

Right now,
it won't broadcast much farther
than from the next room,

but it will as soon
as I get somebody to
increase the power.

Oh-ho. How does
$28 grab ya?

- Wow!
- I got it from Mrs. Douglas.

She bought a third interest
in our company.
Now we're in business.

We can set up everything here
and use it as a model
electronificated farm.

My father won't let me.
He's still mad about
my automatic butter churn.

I don't know why he should be.
You finally got all the butter
scraped off the walls.

There's still some
in the bedroom.

Doggone it.
We need a farm.

Wait a second.
I know where there's a--

Well, it's not really a farm,
but the Douglases are gonna
be away.

- Do you think it'll
be all right?
- Why not?

Mrs. Douglas owns
a third interest
in our company.

- What about Mr. Douglas?
- I can't think of a better way
to show him...

what a wonderful investment
our company is than by
electronificating his farm.

Well, good to be home, huh?

Oliver, why didn't we
stay in that hotel
another week?

Eb!
It was so nice
to have room service.

Couldn't we have it here?
All we need is a telephone...

with a waiter
on the other end
with a hot wagon.

Why don't you get
that $28 electronic company
of yours workin' on it?

Eb! Now, where is Eb?
You go away for a weekend,
you come back, you get--

[ Yelps ]

What is that?

- [ Sparking ]
- [ Alarm Ringing ]
- Ooh!

Don't move! I got you cov--
Oh, it's you! Welcome home.

Just a second.
Let me turn this off.

- Did you have a nice trip?
- Never mind the trip.
What was that?

- What was what?
- I got a shock
from the doorknob!

Oh, the wire must've caught you
in the neck...

and activated the Hooterville
Electronics burglar discourager.

- Our firm makes that.
- Isn't that wonderful?

Wonderful?
I almost got electrocuted!

Got your picture taken too.

You wanna see
what you look--

Hey, this isn't you.
We must've had a real burglar
here last night.

- Disconnect that thing!
- I can't touch it.

Dilly's the technician.
I'm in the sales department.

- We have
a well-organized company.
- You--

- Eb, get Dilly over here
right away.
- I can't disturb him now.

- He's doin'
his spellin' homework.
- What's his number?

Hooterville 3254.

Thank you.

I don't think we should
let him climb the telephone pole
while he's in that mood.

He's liable to fall off.
No, ma'am. He don't have
to climb the pole anymore.

Dilly electronificated
that too.
Ooh?

[ Oliver ] Eb!
I guess he don't know
how to work it.

- Where are the spikes
to climb the pole?
- Dilly took 'em out.

Would you mind telling me
how you expect me to get up
to the phone without them?

You don't have to do that
anymore. See that?

That's the Hooterville
Electronic Company's
automatic "phone come to-er."

Phone come to-er?

"Better things
for better living through
Hootersville Electronics."

- That's going to be our motto.
- Your motto ought to be--

See, instead of you going up
to the phone, the phone
comes down to you.

That's where
we get the name "come to-er."

When you want the phone, you
just press the "down" button,
and it automatically lowers it.

- Go on. Try it.
- Oh, for--

[ Buzzes ]

That's very clever.

Clever? I think
I got a concussion.

The Hooterville
Electronic Company cannot
be held responsible...

for negligence
on the part of the "press-ee."

Or in simple terms,
don't stand under the pole
when you press the button.

Why didn't you tell me the--

Hello? Sarah?
Yes. Can you connect me
with Dilly Watkins?

That's wonderful. No more
climbing up the pole. Just press
a button, and down it comes.

Yeah. And you press
the other button,
and it goes up.

- [ Buzzes ]
- [ Oliver ]
Hello? Dilly?

You-- Wait a minute.
Hey!

Well, Oliver,
I guess this will show--

Oliver?
Oliver, where are you?

I'm up here!

Well, you don't have
to be up there.
The phone will come down.

Eb, do something!

[ Klaxon Blaring ]
Uh-oh.

- What's the matter?
- There's a malfunction.

- Eb, do something!
- [ Klaxon Continues Blaring ]

- Oh!
- [ Eb ] I fixed it.

Look, Eb, if you--

Hello, is this Dilly?
Listen--

- What did you
push the button for?
- I didn't touch it.

I guess it ran amok.

That's what I'm gonna do if
you don't get ahold of Dilly
and get this junk out of here.

Just a second.
Just because you're suffering
for a little "falmunction"...

doesn't give you the right
to call our equipment junk.

Lisa--
If you have any complaints, put
it in writing to the company.

Eb, either this stuff goes
or you go.

- Doggone.
- Ooh!

You press-ees
will never learn, will you?

Well, I suppose
you're satisfied.

Did Eb and Dilly disconnect
that stupid burglar alarm?
Yes.

Then I'm satisfied.
And the poor boy
cried his eyes out.

- What do you expect
from a 10-year-old?
- Not him, Eb.

- Oh.
- You're just
acting this way...

because you don't want to admit
that I made a good investment.

- Sure.
- I know more about investing
than you do.

Yes, you do.
I wouldn't have bought a
television set without insides.

What are you talkin' about?
That t--

Who stole the inside
of the TV set?

That's right.
Blame it on somebody else.

Eb! Eb!

Yes, sir?
What do you wanna
make me cry about now?

The insides of my TV set
are missing.

Oh, you noticed that?
Yes. Would you
please explain it?

Yes, sir.
It's a TV set
without the insides.

I know that!
Where are they?

Some of 'em are
in the barn door opener,
and some are in the TV camera.

Does that
answer your question?

A barn door opener
and a TV camera?

Those are two more
Hooterville Electronic
Company devices...

to make life easier
on the farm.

Get the insides back.
I can't do that.

They're inside the TV camera.
Dilly used 'em to
increase the power.

Now you can put the camera
anyplace on the farm
and sit here...

and watch what's goin' on
on your set.

No. not on your set.
It don't have any insides.

Where's the camera?
In the barn.

Thank you.

You shouldn't have told him.
He's going to break it.

No, ma'am. He won't be able
to get at it. He can't
open the barn door.

- Eb, I can't
open the barn door.
- Because you're not a cow.

- You see,
it's moo-activated.
- Moo-activated?

You see, even though Dilly
is only 10-years-old,
his genius figured out...

that a farmer spends more time
opening the barn door
for his cow than the cow does.

- That makes sense.
- Only to another...
whatever he is.

With this device, all
your cow Eleanor has to do
is walk up to the barn...

and moo into this lantern,
which contains
a transistorized oscillator.

This triggers the door opener,
and your cow Eleanor can walk
into the barn without help.

- Eb, all I want is--
- Once in the barn, the door
closes automatically,

which turns on our TV camera,
so you can lie in your bedroom
and watch Eleanor on your--

No, you can't.
Your set don't have any insides.

Oh, you miserable--

- You won't be able
to open it that way.
- It's "moo-aggravated."

- Yeah. You need Eleanor.
- Well, get her!

Calling Eleanor.
Calling Eleanor. Will you come
to the barn? Over.

- What is that?
- Our transistorized
radio cow caller.

Another triumph
for the Hootersville
Electronicals.

Eleanor's got a little receiver
around her neck, and when
I call her, she hears me.

By the way, Dilly had to
borrow a few parts from your
electric razor to make this.

If I get my hands on that--

- Would you care to shave
while you're waiting?
- [ Cow Moos ]

- Hello, Eleanor.
- I'll be--

Nice, Eleanor.

See this?

This is the receiver.
Now watch her open the door.

Eleanor,
there's hay inside.
[ Mooing ]

No, no, no. You have to moo
into the lantern. Come on.
Come on.

She's had trouble
learning this.
[ Moos ]

Go on. Get your hay,
Eleanor.

Well, you must feel
like the fellow who told Fulton
his fish market wouldn't work.

Are you the fellow
that told him that?
I didn't
even know the fellow.

[ Door Rattling ]
It closes quickly to
keep the flies out.

Well, open it.
Yes, sir.

Calling Eleanor.
Calling Eleanor.

Will you moo
and open the-- Oh--
[ Laughs ]

I guess I should've
left the receiver
around her neck.

Oh, brother.
Hey, this'll give us a chance
to see how the TV camera works.

As soon as the door slams shut,
the camera went on
automatically,

and you can go in your bedroom
and watch Eleanor on your--

Ooh, I keep forgettin'.
Your set don't have
any insides.

Eb, once more,
and you're not gonna
have any insides.

- How are we gonna
get this darn thing open?
- Maybe we could moo it open.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Moo. Moo!

I don't guess
I have the right pitch.
You try it, Mrs. Douglas.

Moo. Moo!

Moo!
Hello there.
What's all the mooing about?

Oh, hello, Mr. Kimball.
We were just trying
to open the door.

Is this one
of those Dilly Watkins
"moo" door openers?

You heard of them?
Oh, everybody's heard
about them.

Well, not everybody.
My mother's out of town,
but I'll write to her.

Oh, Mr. Kimball, do you know
how to open the door?

- Have you tried mooing at it?
- That's what we were doing
when you came up.

Well, maybe you weren't
giving the right moo.

What kind of a cow has
Dilly got this programmed for?

Dilly's got it programmed
for a Guernsey.

Guernsey, huh?

[ Moos ]

No, that's like a Jersey.
A Jersey's more like--

[ Moos ]

No, that's more like a Rhode
Island Red. A Rhode Island Red
is more like a chicken.

It goes:
[ Screeching ]

[ Eleanor Moos ]
That did it!

Oh, thanks!
Of all the stupid--

[ Door Slams Shut ]

Lisa? Lisa?
Hey, let me out of here!

Hey, let me out of here!

[ Squealing ]

What's the matter
with you, Arnold?
There's something on TV.

Will you moo
and let me out of here?

It's Mr. Douglas!

I didn't know
he had his own TV show.

Eleanor, will ya--

[ Moos ]

What kind of a show
is that?

I don't know. Looks like
he's giving the cow
mooing lessons.

Eleanor, please.
[ Crowing ]

Aw, he ain't gonna
teach a cow to crow
like a rooster.

Oh, I know
what he's tryin' to do:
barnyard imitations.

Well, he needs better material
than that if he expects to
get any kind of a Nielsen.

This is the last time
I'll go and leave my farm...

in the hands of a bunch
of juvenile delinquents.

He's just wastin' his time.
The show'll never be a hit.

He just
ain't humble enough.

[ Yelling, Indistinct ]

But, Mr. Douglas--
No. I'm
keeping this camera...

until you and Dilly
fix the barn door and put
the insides back in my set.

But--
Good night!

Good night.

You don't have any right
to take that camera.

That's the property
of the Hootersville
Electronical Company.

You wanna sue me?
Go right ahead.
We might just do that.

Read your book,
will you?

Hi, Sam.
Oh, hi, Fred.

What are you watchin'?
Mr. Douglas
gettin' undressed.

[ Exhaling Forcefully ]

Has he got
a nighttime show too?

Then I hope it's better
than his afternoon show.

Them imitations he done
was pretty bad.

This one's kind of slow. I don't
see much point to showing a man
taking his shirt off.

Well, I guess women
like that sort of thing.

Hello.
How do you do? Does
Mr. Douglas live here?

Until the divorce.
Beg your pardon?

Well, you can't expect me
to live with a man
who would ruin a company...

just to prove that
I don't know how to invest $28.

I'd appreciate it if
I could see Mr. Douglas.

What about?

I have a warrant
for his arrest.
Just a second.

Oliver, there's a man here
to arrest you.

Oh, you'd better
stand aside. He'll be
coming out running.

- Who's going to arrest me?
- This man.

Oh, excuse me.
I didn't get your name.
Malone.

Oh, Oliver, this is Mr. Malone,
the man who's going
to arrest you.

Mr. Douglas,
I'm with the F.C.C., the Federal
Communications Commission.

I have a warrant here
charging you with running
an illegal television station.

You just can't stay
out of trouble, can you?

- Lisa, will you please--
- Don't you know it's
against the law...

to operate
a television station
without a license?

- Of course I know it!
- Then what did you do it for?

Lisa, please.
Just go into the house.

Now,
what is this nonsense...

about me operating
an illegal television station?

There's no sense
in denying it.

WPIXL-TV--
That's the station in Pixley--

made a recording of your
appearance last night when you
cut in on their frequency.

- I cut in on--
- You got undressed right
in the middle...

of their Richard Dix festival.

Howdy, Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Haney,
this gentleman--

I'll just take a second.
I just wanna...

give you
your $4.18 royalty...

for the sale
of one dozen polka-dot shorts,

as featured on
your undressing show last night.

Oh, doing commercials, eh?
I didn't do any commercial.

Mr. Douglas, now,
when you go on the air
tonight--

- I'm not going
on the air tonight.
- After the rating you got?

- Rating?
- The Hooterville
overnight Nielsen.

Just listen to this.
Number one:
man undressing show.

Number two:
man doing
barnyard imitations.

Number three:
Beverly Hillbillies.

Now, that's tied with
the WPIXL test pattern.

Oh, go peddle
your shorts.

Mr. Douglas,
where is your transmitter?

I don't have a transmitter.
All I have is--

Oh, no!
Oh, it couldn't be!

That-- That little--
May I see it, please?

You had no right
to let that man
take that camera.

- I'm lucky he didn't take me.
- That camera was the property
of Hootersville Electronical.

Lisa, do you know
what that $28 you invested
is gonna cost me?

I've gotta buy a new TV set,
gotta get the barn door fixed.

Can't use the telephone,
can't shave,

because that 10-year-old genius
used part of my electric razor
for this cow caller.

You'll be throwing up
those $28 to me for
the next 10 years.

I'll write it off
as a business loss
on my income tax.

Wouldn't they come after you
for income tax "invasion"?

Evasion.

- [ Lisa ] What's that?
- [ Oliver ] That's when
you find illegal ways...

to avoid paying income tax.

I'm glad you're still open, Sam.
Shh. I'm listening
to Mr. Douglas.

Is he still on TV?
No, now he's on radio.

The Income Tax
Evasion Hour.

It's not easy
to cheat the government,
but a lot of people try.

Well, I'll be doggone.
I sure have to hand it to him.

He flops on TV
and then turns right around
and gets his own radio show.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.