Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Oliver. Oliver? [ Mumbling ]

Wake up. Wake up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa. What's the matter?

- Where's the checkbook? - Oh. The checkbook. It's in--

It's 4:00 in the morning. What do you want the checkbook for?

I have to buy a thousand shares of Cooper's Copper.

- What? - I had a dream that gave me a tip.

- What's the phone number of a stockbroker? - Will you go back to sleep?

Do you remember Carla Benson, who married Jack Calhoun?

- No, I don't. - Do you remember their chauffeur, Cooper?

If I can't remember them, why should I remember their chauffeur, Cooper?

Well, anyway, he's the one I dreamed about.

You see, Cooper was speeding, and this copper arrested him.

That's how I got the tip to buy Cooper's Copper.

- Good night. - Well, where is the checkbook?

Lisa, I'd like to get some sleep. We've got a long drive tomorrow.

Well, that's the last time opportunity's going to knock at you.

[ Rooster Crows ]

You haven't touched your hotcakes.

Oh, I've touched 'em. They're nice and clammy.

Oh, do you want to argue about that, or do you want to argue about Cooper's Copper?

There's nothing to argue about.

Only a woman would think of investing in a stock because she dreamed about it.

If there's any investing to be done, I will do it.

I'm glad to hear you say that, Mr. Douglas, 'cause I got a great investment for ya.

What did you dream about? Sophia Loren.

I'll put a few bucks in that.

It ain't got nothin' to do with her. Then I'm not interested.

You're turnin' your back on a chance to make a million dollars.

That's the chance I'll have to take. Now, Lisa, you'd better pack.

I've gotta get to the state capital, and if you're not ready--

- What's the investment? - Hooterville Electronics.

That sounds better than Cooper's Copper.

Everybody says "electronicals" are the coming things.

Electric-- You know what they are?

Of course I do. That's where you push buttons, and everything happens.

Golly. And I thought I was gonna have to explain it to ya.

Lisa, there are nine million electronic firms--

But none of them have Dillingham Watkins as their president.

- Who's Dillingham Watkins? - I thought everybody had heard of Dillingham Watkins.

No. Some of us have led sheltered lives.

Well, you see, Dilly-- That's short for Dillingham-- is an electronic genius.

His fame has spread throughout Hooterville. Some of it has leaked into Pixley.

That doesn't make him a genius, just because he has a leaky reputation.

You can scoff at Dilly if you want,

but how many 10-year-old kids do you know that own their own electronics firm?

Ten-year--

Lisa, please. I've been looking forward to seeing this farm exhibit, and you--

Why drive all the way to the state capital to look at old-fashioned farm machinery...

when you've got a Dilly Watkins right here?

- That doesn't do anything for me. - It should.

Dilly's idea is to eliminate all the useless machinery...

by "electronificating" the American farm.

- Electronificating? - That means when you--

Let "Tallfellow" explain that.

Electronificate means that you can run your whole farm with buttons.

Push a button to milk your cows or bale your hay or irrigate your crops.

No more yellin' at your hired hand.

Oh, he'll probably yell at the buttons.

He always has to have something to yell at. He thinks it makes him look distinguished...

when the veins stand out on his head.

Lisa... I'm not standing my veins out.

I mean, I'm not-- I'm perfectly calm. Now, I'm going to pack,

and if you're not ready to leave when I'm-- I'm going alone.

What about the investment?

I'm not investing any money in a stupid electric-- There go the veins.

Oh, for--

I guess I should've gotten his money before I got his dander up.

Oh, well, we don't need him.

I'll show him who knows how to invest. How much money do you need?

Well, the company has to recapitalize,

buy a lot of new scientific equipment and instruments.

Twenty-eight dollars oughta do it. That'll give you a third interest.

You got it.

Dilly, where are you?

- Dilly? - Here I am.

Dilly, you're on TV!

- Dilly, where'd you go? - Stop shaking the set.

Dilly, how'd you do that? With the TV camera I built.

This is more important. This is something a farmer can really use.

He can put it anywhere and see what's going on.

Golly, you're a real wizard! How does it work?

Well, it has a miniature transmitter built into it...

so it can broadcast right to your TV set.

Right now, it won't broadcast much farther than from the next room,

but it will as soon as I get somebody to increase the power.

Oh-ho. How does $28 grab ya?

- Wow! - I got it from Mrs. Douglas.

She bought a third interest in our company. Now we're in business.

We can set up everything here and use it as a model electronificated farm.

My father won't let me. He's still mad about my automatic butter churn.

I don't know why he should be. You finally got all the butter scraped off the walls.

There's still some in the bedroom.

Doggone it. We need a farm.

Wait a second. I know where there's a--

Well, it's not really a farm, but the Douglases are gonna be away.

- Do you think it'll be all right? - Why not?

Mrs. Douglas owns a third interest in our company.

- What about Mr. Douglas? - I can't think of a better way to show him...

what a wonderful investment our company is than by electronificating his farm.

Well, good to be home, huh?

Oliver, why didn't we stay in that hotel another week?

Eb! It was so nice to have room service.

Couldn't we have it here? All we need is a telephone...

with a waiter on the other end with a hot wagon.

Why don't you get that $28 electronic company of yours workin' on it?

Eb! Now, where is Eb? You go away for a weekend, you come back, you get--

[ Yelps ]

What is that?

- [ Sparking ] - [ Alarm Ringing ] - Ooh!

Don't move! I got you cov-- Oh, it's you! Welcome home.

Just a second. Let me turn this off.

- Did you have a nice trip? - Never mind the trip. What was that?

- What was what? - I got a shock from the doorknob!

Oh, the wire must've caught you in the neck...

and activated the Hooterville Electronics burglar discourager.

- Our firm makes that. - Isn't that wonderful?

Wonderful? I almost got electrocuted!

Got your picture taken too.

You wanna see what you look--

Hey, this isn't you. We must've had a real burglar here last night.

- Disconnect that thing! - I can't touch it.

Dilly's the technician. I'm in the sales department.

- We have a well-organized company. - You--

- Eb, get Dilly over here right away. - I can't disturb him now.

- He's doin' his spellin' homework. - What's his number?

Hooterville 3254.

Thank you.

I don't think we should let him climb the telephone pole while he's in that mood.

He's liable to fall off. No, ma'am. He don't have to climb the pole anymore.

Dilly electronificated that too. Ooh?

[ Oliver ] Eb! I guess he don't know how to work it.

- Where are the spikes to climb the pole? - Dilly took 'em out.

Would you mind telling me how you expect me to get up to the phone without them?

You don't have to do that anymore. See that?

That's the Hooterville Electronic Company's automatic "phone come to-er."

Phone come to-er?

"Better things for better living through Hootersville Electronics."

- That's going to be our motto. - Your motto ought to be--

See, instead of you going up to the phone, the phone comes down to you.

That's where we get the name "come to-er."

When you want the phone, you just press the "down" button, and it automatically lowers it.

- Go on. Try it. - Oh, for--

[ Buzzes ]

That's very clever.

Clever? I think I got a concussion.

The Hooterville Electronic Company cannot be held responsible...

for negligence on the part of the "press-ee."

Or in simple terms, don't stand under the pole when you press the button.

Why didn't you tell me the--

Hello? Sarah? Yes. Can you connect me with Dilly Watkins?

That's wonderful. No more climbing up the pole. Just press a button, and down it comes.

Yeah. And you press the other button, and it goes up.

- [ Buzzes ] - [ Oliver ] Hello? Dilly?

You-- Wait a minute. Hey!

Well, Oliver, I guess this will show--

Oliver? Oliver, where are you?

I'm up here!

Well, you don't have to be up there. The phone will come down.

Eb, do something!

[ Klaxon Blaring ] Uh-oh.

- What's the matter? - There's a malfunction.

- Eb, do something! - [ Klaxon Continues Blaring ]

- Oh! - [ Eb ] I fixed it.

Look, Eb, if you--

Hello, is this Dilly? Listen--

- What did you push the button for? - I didn't touch it.

I guess it ran amok.

That's what I'm gonna do if you don't get ahold of Dilly and get this junk out of here.

Just a second. Just because you're suffering for a little "falmunction"...

doesn't give you the right to call our equipment junk.

Lisa-- If you have any complaints, put it in writing to the company.

Eb, either this stuff goes or you go.

- Doggone. - Ooh!

You press-ees will never learn, will you?

Well, I suppose you're satisfied.

Did Eb and Dilly disconnect that stupid burglar alarm? Yes.

Then I'm satisfied. And the poor boy cried his eyes out.

- What do you expect from a 10-year-old? - Not him, Eb.

- Oh. - You're just acting this way...

because you don't want to admit that I made a good investment.

- Sure. - I know more about investing than you do.

Yes, you do. I wouldn't have bought a television set without insides.

What are you talkin' about? That t--

Who stole the inside of the TV set?

That's right. Blame it on somebody else.

Eb! Eb!

Yes, sir? What do you wanna make me cry about now?

The insides of my TV set are missing.

Oh, you noticed that? Yes. Would you please explain it?

Yes, sir. It's a TV set without the insides.

I know that! Where are they?

Some of 'em are in the barn door opener, and some are in the TV camera.

Does that answer your question?

A barn door opener and a TV camera?

Those are two more Hooterville Electronic Company devices...

to make life easier on the farm.

Get the insides back. I can't do that.

They're inside the TV camera. Dilly used 'em to increase the power.

Now you can put the camera anyplace on the farm and sit here...

and watch what's goin' on on your set.

No. not on your set. It don't have any insides.

Where's the camera? In the barn.

Thank you.

You shouldn't have told him. He's going to break it.

No, ma'am. He won't be able to get at it. He can't open the barn door.

- Eb, I can't open the barn door. - Because you're not a cow.

- You see, it's moo-activated. - Moo-activated?

You see, even though Dilly is only 10-years-old, his genius figured out...

that a farmer spends more time opening the barn door for his cow than the cow does.

- That makes sense. - Only to another... whatever he is.

With this device, all your cow Eleanor has to do is walk up to the barn...

and moo into this lantern, which contains a transistorized oscillator.

This triggers the door opener, and your cow Eleanor can walk into the barn without help.

- Eb, all I want is-- - Once in the barn, the door closes automatically,

which turns on our TV camera, so you can lie in your bedroom and watch Eleanor on your--

No, you can't. Your set don't have any insides.

Oh, you miserable--

- You won't be able to open it that way. - It's "moo-aggravated."

- Yeah. You need Eleanor. - Well, get her!

Calling Eleanor. Calling Eleanor. Will you come to the barn? Over.

- What is that? - Our transistorized radio cow caller.

Another triumph for the Hootersville Electronicals.

Eleanor's got a little receiver around her neck, and when I call her, she hears me.

By the way, Dilly had to borrow a few parts from your electric razor to make this.

If I get my hands on that--

- Would you care to shave while you're waiting? - [ Cow Moos ]

- Hello, Eleanor. - I'll be--

Nice, Eleanor.

See this?

This is the receiver. Now watch her open the door.

Eleanor, there's hay inside. [ Mooing ]

No, no, no. You have to moo into the lantern. Come on. Come on.

She's had trouble learning this. [ Moos ]

Go on. Get your hay, Eleanor.

Well, you must feel like the fellow who told Fulton his fish market wouldn't work.

Are you the fellow that told him that? I didn't even know the fellow.

[ Door Rattling ] It closes quickly to keep the flies out.

Well, open it. Yes, sir.

Calling Eleanor. Calling Eleanor.

Will you moo and open the-- Oh-- [ Laughs ]

I guess I should've left the receiver around her neck.

Oh, brother. Hey, this'll give us a chance to see how the TV camera works.

As soon as the door slams shut, the camera went on automatically,

and you can go in your bedroom and watch Eleanor on your--

Ooh, I keep forgettin'. Your set don't have any insides.

Eb, once more, and you're not gonna have any insides.

- How are we gonna get this darn thing open? - Maybe we could moo it open.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Moo. Moo!

I don't guess I have the right pitch. You try it, Mrs. Douglas.

Moo. Moo!

Moo! Hello there. What's all the mooing about?

Oh, hello, Mr. Kimball. We were just trying to open the door.

Is this one of those Dilly Watkins "moo" door openers?

You heard of them? Oh, everybody's heard about them.

Well, not everybody. My mother's out of town, but I'll write to her.

Oh, Mr. Kimball, do you know how to open the door?

- Have you tried mooing at it? - That's what we were doing when you came up.

Well, maybe you weren't giving the right moo.

What kind of a cow has Dilly got this programmed for?

Dilly's got it programmed for a Guernsey.

Guernsey, huh?

[ Moos ]

No, that's like a Jersey. A Jersey's more like--

[ Moos ]

No, that's more like a Rhode Island Red. A Rhode Island Red is more like a chicken.

It goes: [ Screeching ]

[ Eleanor Moos ] That did it!

Oh, thanks! Of all the stupid--

[ Door Slams Shut ]

Lisa? Lisa? Hey, let me out of here!

Hey, let me out of here!

[ Squealing ]

What's the matter with you, Arnold? There's something on TV.

Will you moo and let me out of here?

It's Mr. Douglas!

I didn't know he had his own TV show.

Eleanor, will ya--

[ Moos ]

What kind of a show is that?

I don't know. Looks like he's giving the cow mooing lessons.

Eleanor, please. [ Crowing ]

Aw, he ain't gonna teach a cow to crow like a rooster.

Oh, I know what he's tryin' to do: barnyard imitations.

Well, he needs better material than that if he expects to get any kind of a Nielsen.

This is the last time I'll go and leave my farm...

in the hands of a bunch of juvenile delinquents.

He's just wastin' his time. The show'll never be a hit.

He just ain't humble enough.

[ Yelling, Indistinct ]

But, Mr. Douglas-- No. I'm keeping this camera...

until you and Dilly fix the barn door and put the insides back in my set.

But-- Good night!

Good night.

You don't have any right to take that camera.

That's the property of the Hootersville Electronical Company.

You wanna sue me? Go right ahead. We might just do that.

Read your book, will you?

Hi, Sam. Oh, hi, Fred.

What are you watchin'? Mr. Douglas gettin' undressed.

[ Exhaling Forcefully ]

Has he got a nighttime show too?

Then I hope it's better than his afternoon show.

Them imitations he done was pretty bad.

This one's kind of slow. I don't see much point to showing a man taking his shirt off.

Well, I guess women like that sort of thing.

Hello. How do you do? Does Mr. Douglas live here?

Until the divorce. Beg your pardon?

Well, you can't expect me to live with a man who would ruin a company...

just to prove that I don't know how to invest $28.

I'd appreciate it if I could see Mr. Douglas.

What about?

I have a warrant for his arrest. Just a second.

Oliver, there's a man here to arrest you.

Oh, you'd better stand aside. He'll be coming out running.

- Who's going to arrest me? - This man.

Oh, excuse me. I didn't get your name. Malone.

Oh, Oliver, this is Mr. Malone, the man who's going to arrest you.

Mr. Douglas, I'm with the F.C.C., the Federal Communications Commission.

I have a warrant here charging you with running an illegal television station.

You just can't stay out of trouble, can you?

- Lisa, will you please-- - Don't you know it's against the law...

to operate a television station without a license?

- Of course I know it! - Then what did you do it for?

Lisa, please. Just go into the house.

Now, what is this nonsense...

about me operating an illegal television station?

There's no sense in denying it.

WPIXL-TV-- That's the station in Pixley--

made a recording of your appearance last night when you cut in on their frequency.

- I cut in on-- - You got undressed right in the middle...

of their Richard Dix festival.

Howdy, Mr. Douglas. Mr. Haney, this gentleman--

I'll just take a second. I just wanna...

give you your $4.18 royalty...

for the sale of one dozen polka-dot shorts,

as featured on your undressing show last night.

Oh, doing commercials, eh? I didn't do any commercial.

Mr. Douglas, now, when you go on the air tonight--

- I'm not going on the air tonight. - After the rating you got?

- Rating? - The Hooterville overnight Nielsen.

Just listen to this. Number one: man undressing show.

Number two: man doing barnyard imitations.

Number three: Beverly Hillbillies.

Now, that's tied with the WPIXL test pattern.

Oh, go peddle your shorts.

Mr. Douglas, where is your transmitter?

I don't have a transmitter. All I have is--

Oh, no! Oh, it couldn't be!

That-- That little-- May I see it, please?

You had no right to let that man take that camera.

- I'm lucky he didn't take me. - That camera was the property of Hootersville Electronical.

Lisa, do you know what that $28 you invested is gonna cost me?

I've gotta buy a new TV set, gotta get the barn door fixed.

Can't use the telephone, can't shave,

because that 10-year-old genius used part of my electric razor for this cow caller.

You'll be throwing up those $28 to me for the next 10 years.

I'll write it off as a business loss on my income tax.

Wouldn't they come after you for income tax "invasion"?

Evasion.

- [ Lisa ] What's that? - [ Oliver ] That's when you find illegal ways...

to avoid paying income tax.

I'm glad you're still open, Sam. Shh. I'm listening to Mr. Douglas.

Is he still on TV? No, now he's on radio.

The Income Tax Evasion Hour.

It's not easy to cheat the government, but a lot of people try.

Well, I'll be doggone. I sure have to hand it to him.

He flops on TV and then turns right around and gets his own radio show.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.