Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Morning, Mr. Douglas. Morning, Eb.

- Eb! - Yes, sir.

Who's that? I don't know.

I found him asleep in the hayloft.

Oh? Can I keep him?

Keep him? He belongs to somebody.

Well, if they don't call for him in 30 days, can I have him?

What's you name? Eb.

Not yours. What's your name?

- Eb. - Hey! He's got the same name as me.

We must be related. Now, come on, son. What's your name?

- I'm hungry. - That's a nice name. How old are you, "I'm"?

Will you please let me talk to him? I found him.

Okay, you found him.

Now, what's your name? Eb.

I'm not talk-- Will you go wash up?

- Yes, sir. - I wasn't talking to you.

Look, I know your name isn't Eb. Now, what is it?

- Tennessee Williams. - Tennessee Williams.

Golly, he's a famous writer, Mr. Douglas.

He isn't a-- I saw one of your plays.

Boy, you sure have had a lot of experience for a kid your age.

- Oh, I'm older than I look. - How old are you?

- 22. - Look, I'm getting a little tired of these silly answers.

- Now you say you're hungry? - I sure am.

Would you like breakfast? Yes, sir.

Then tell me-- Hello there.

Well, who is this?

Eb found him sleeping in the hayloft.

Oh? Well, don't you have a home? Yes, ma'am.

Well, where is it? It's not there anymore.

- Not where? - Pluto-kran.

It's a planet six million light-years from here.

You're a visitor from outer space. He is?

Gosh, I never met a real-live Pluto-kranian before.

Eb! Did you arrive here by spaceship?

No, Pluto-kran blew up,

and I was thrown into space and I landed in your barn.

- Oh, that's terrible. - Oh, boy.

Do you know what happened to your mother and father?

We don't have mothers and fathers on our planet.

The grow us. We have a boy field and a girl field.

When we get ripe enough, they pick us.

Oh, it's an agricultural society.

Look, Eb, show him where to wash up, and we'll discuss the whole thing at breakfast.

Yes, sir. Come on, Pluto.

Oh, the poor boy. I guess we've got to keep him.

- He must have a home. - Well, didn't you hear him? It blew up.

Lisa, he's just a boy with an overactive imagination.

He probably ran away from home, and he doesn't want to tell us because we'll take him back.

The you don't think they picked him in the boys' field?

- Do you? - Well, it's possible.

When I was a little girl, my mother told me she found me under a cabbage.

- And you believed her? - All I know is,

I was the only girl on our block who liked sauerkraut.

Come on. Let's have some breakfast.

Boy, Mrs. Douglas, these are the best hotcakes I ever ate.

Isn't he a nice boy.

Why don't you give him your wristwatch?

Have you had enough?

- Yes, sir. - All right, then. Let's get going.

Where are we going? To see the sheriff.

- Why? What did he do? - He didn't do anything.

- Then why are you having him arrested? - Eb, will you get to work.

Yes, sir.

Is he your son? No.

- Would you like one? - Of course we would.

Okay, then I'll be your son.

Well, now that that is settled, you don't have to go to the sheriff--

Lisa, nothing is settled. He obviously has parents and they must be worried about him.

Now, if you'll just tell me what your name is and where you live,

I'll take you home and we won't have to go to the sheriff.

- I can't remember my name. - Where do you live?

- I can't remember. - Oliver,

the poor boy's suffering from "aminemia."

Not "aminemia," "animenia"-- Uh, "animesia."

Well, whatever it is, he hasn't got it.

Now, what'll it be, your name or the sheriff? Um--

My name is Paul Frankcan.

Frankcan? Well, now, we're getting somewhere.

Well, what are you going to do?

I'm going to check up with Sarah...

and see if there's a family living around here named Frankcan.

[ Buzzing ]

Good morning. Have you had a haircut lately?

- What? - Pay a visit to Joe's Tonsorial Palace,

located above Tillie's Pizza Parlor in the heart of downtown Pixley.

This week only, Joe is featuring razor-cut hairstyling and--

- Sarah! - Oh, hello, boss.

What was that business about Joe's Tonsorial Palace?

Oh, I sold them a spot announcement.

We can use the money.

Your little old telephone company isn't doing too good.

Let me worry about that, will you?

Is there a family around here named Frankcan?

Canned franks?

No, no, not canned--

Oh, yeah. Canned franks.

Yes. Thank you, Sarah.

Por nada.

Paul Frankcan, huh? Is this where you got the name?

Oh, that's not the same. That's Paul's "Cans" Franks.

And his name is Frankcan.

You didn't answer my question.

Yes, sir. That's where I got the name.

What's your real name?

Carlos Hotpeper.

Is it spelled like this?

No, sir. There's only one "P" in my "Hotpeper."

You don't happen to be related to any other cans on the shelf, do you?

He could. Maybe he came from a long line of groceries.

I guess I'm just gonna have to go to the sheriff.

If you do that, you're out of the family.

All right, I'm out of the family, but I have to do it.

No, I have no idea who he is.

Well, let me check my missing persons report here.

We found him in the barn this morning.

He obviously ran away from home.

Well, let's see.

Two cows, a horse and a goat.

That's about all the missing persons that have been reported to me.

This is a boy, about eight years old. Haven't got anything on him.

Well, what should I do with him? Well, bring him in.

I'll take him over to the county juvenile detention home while I'm checkin'.

The detention home?

Oh, I don't, uh--

Uh, look, you suppose I could keep him till you find his parents?

I guess that'd be all right.

I'll see what I can find out about him, Mr. Douglas. Thank you.

Eb, you're supposed to be--

How does it feel to be a stool pigeon?

- What? - Boy, if you'd rat to the sheriff on a little kid,

imagine what you'd do to me.

You don't have to imagine what I'm gonna do to you if you don't get to work.

How can you live with yourself, selling out a little kid to the law?

- I didn't sell him out. - Then how come he ran away again?

He ran-- Lisa!

Lisa, Eb said-- Well, the fink is home.

Look, I-- Where is your friend, the sheriff,

with the Black "Ma-ree-ah"? "Ma-rye-ah."

Oh! You know all the technical terms.

Look, Eb said that the boy ran away.

Well, wouldn't you if some stoolie would turn you in to the fuzz?

Lisa, I'm not a stoolie. What did they give you, a Junior G-man badge?

Will you listen to me?

Lips that touch the sheriff's will never touch mine.

Oh, please.

Look, I'm trying to tell you something.

I merely went to the sheriff to see if anybody had reported a missing boy,

and they haven't.

The sheriff said we could keep him till he had a chance to investigate.

We can? Well, yes, if we can find him.

Well, why don't you try looking under the bed?

Under the bed?

Come on out of there!

You're in the clear now. He didn't turn you in.

Are you sure?

What are you so afraid of the sheriff for? Have you done something?

No, I just happened to be sitting in the getaway car when the bank was robbed.

Oh, for--

Look, for the last time, will you tell me your name?

Pretty Boy Floyd.

I'll Pretty Boy you--

Don't yell at Floyd! He's not Floyd!

Well, he said he was. He also said he was Tennessee Williams...

and Paul Canned Franks. Frankcan.

- Next, he'll be Alexander Hamilton. - You can call me Al.

I'm gonna call you-- Oliver!

Lisa, if you wanna play mother, fine.

Get him cleaned up. Have you got any other clothes?

- No, sir. - I'll get you some new jeans at Drucker's.

- What size do you wear? - 76.

Look, if you don't give me a straight answer-- Oliver!

Where's your sense of humor?

You're losing your temper with Al.

Al-- [ Sighs ]

Oh, don't mind my husband.

When you get used to the fact that he's a sorehead, you get to like him.

Howdy, Mr. Douglas. Hi, Mr. Haney.

Anything I can do for ya? No, I--

Well, wait a minute, there is something you can do for me. Yes.

You just name it, and I'm sure that I've got it on my truck.

- No, I wanna ask a question. - The Haney Information Service...

stands ready to help.

- Well, that's-- - We got a special on information today.

A dollar a question, or three questions for five dollars--

Unless it's in French, then it's two dollars a question.

Has anybody been looking for a little boy that ran away from home?

- They sure have. - Who?

- My mother. - What?

I ran away from home when I was three years old...

and become a traveling dickey salesman.

I was the western representative for Dingwell's Non-wilt Dickies.

Mr. Haney, I've heard enough wild stories for one day.

Has anybody around here reported a missing boy?

How big a reward is offered for his return?

- There's no reward. - Then I ain't heard a word.

- Will you excuse me? I've-- - You're goin' into Drucker's...

to buy jeans for little Al Hamilton?

You were listening!

You were yelling.

Now, I can save you the trip to Drucker's.

Have you had time to read the sign? Yes.

Then, shall we examine the merchandise?

Listen, I'm not interested--

Is that the junk you're trying to sell me?

No. It's the other junk I'm tryin' to sell ya.

If you will just sit down,

I'll have the clothes modeled for you.

Now, this is a copy of a genuine imitation...

of an original Parisian design, stolen by--

I'm looking for something for an eight-year-old boy.

You couldn't get anything better for an eight-year-old boy than little Nancy.

Mr. Haney, you're--

Now, this is our junior executive model...

as worn exclusively on Madison Avenue.

it comes with an imitation leather "attachey" case--

Mr. Haney, I believe I've seen enough.

Mr. Douglas, I like a buyer that makes up his mind quickly.

Shall I wrap it up for the lad?

You should be ashamed of yourself, using these little children to shill for you!

Mr. Douglas, these two are students of the Haney School of Modeling.

They're gettin' a little professional experience.

Professional experience! All right, kids, change your clothes...

and have your 50 "centses" ready for today's lesson.

Is that hard to do? Oh, no. Would you like to try?

No, thanks. I don't wanna get my new clothes dirty.

- Thanks for buyin' them for me. - Oh, that's okay.

I like you, even though you yell all the time.

I don't yell all the time.

You're more fun than my father.

Oh? What's your father's name?

I don't remember. That's 'cause I got "amnemia."

- [ Laughs ] - [ Laughs ]

- Could I stay here forever? - Well, I--

- I could help you. - Well, what would your parents say?

Don't you think they're worried about you?

Look, did it ever occur to you that...

if you told me your name and where you lived, I could take you back to your folks.

Then they'd let you come here every summer and spend your vacations here with me.

Ya think so? Oh, I'm positive.

That was a nice try, but it won't work. I won't talk!

Okay. Have it your way.

Did you always live on a farm?

Oh, no. I used to live in New York. I was a lawyer.

Why'd you move out here? Were you disbarred?

No.

I came out here to get away from the rat race of the city--

Out here where I could breathe the pure air,

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ] work the fertile soil,

where a man can plant his seeds and watch them shoot upward toward the sun and the sky,

just as our forefathers did.

A farmer's the backbone of America.

♪♪ [ Continues ] It's his gnarled hands and aching back...

that gives America its great strength.

Without the farmer-- How do you do that?

- Do what? - Talk and play the fife at the same time.

What the--

- Look, wouldn't you like-- - [ Horn Beeps ] - Mr. Douglas!

Hello, Sheriff!

Have you had any news about the boy? No.

I checked Crabwell Corners, Bleedswell and Pixley-- no missing boys.

That's why I thought I'd better talk to him myself.

Well, I, uh, hope you have better luck than I had.

Uh, would ya--

What's the matter? He's gone!

Gone? He took off when he saw the sheriff.

Well, go and look for him. Where?

Well, where do little boys go when then run away from home?

How would I know? You were never a little boy?

Oh, I never ran away from home. Why not?

Because I liked my home and my family.

No wonder you never got into the hippies.

Lisa!

Do you think he's all right? I'm sure he is.

Well, how do you know? You don't even know where he is.

If you had only run away from home when you were a little boy.

Oh, for-- I think you'd better go and look for him.

Why? He probably got tired dodging the sheriff and went home.

Probably with his father right now.

[ Loud Galloping ] [ Gunshots ]

Do you like cowboy pictures, Arnold? [ Grunts ]

Me too. What's your favorite cowboy star?

[ Grunts ]

Monte Blue is all right, but I like John Wayne better.

There's cookies and milk in the kitchen.

Oh, boy! [ Grunts, Squeals ]

Not you. You're on a diet.

[ Squeals, Grunts ]

There. Have some cookies and milk.

Say, uh, how did you meet up with Arnold?

On the road. He invited me home with him.

Arnold's always bringing people home.

Yeah, he's dragged in some real oddballs.

That's how I met Mrs. Ziffel.

- Where you live, boy? - At the Douglases' place. I'm Oliver Douglas Jr.

Well, I'll be doggone! Did you hear that? He's the Douglases' kid.

Funny, they never mentioned him.

Oh, they kept me a secret.

They sent me away to military school back east...

when I was four years old, and I've been there ever since.

Eat your cookies, son. Fred.

What? Hmm?

You don't believe that story, do ya? Why not?

Aw, the Douglases are too nice to treat a boy like that.

Well, we'll ask him a few more questions.

So, you say your folks sent you away to military school, huh?

- Yes, sir. - What's the name of it?

- West Point. - West Point.

- Seem like I heard of that school. - Yeah, me too.

So far, he's telling a straight story.

Did you graduate?

No, sir. I ran away. Ran away? What for?

To get away from the rat race of school life.

To come out here where the air is pure and the soil is fertile.

To become a farmer like my dad and plants seeds in the earth...

and watch them shoot up towards the sun and the sky.

The farmer's the backbone of the American economy.

That's enough for me. I'm satisfied.

Yeah, he's the Douglases' kid, all right.

Yeah, I guess them backbone speeches must be inherited.

Well, glad to meet ya, son. Have some more cookies.

[ Knocking ]

Hello, Mrs. Ziffel. Hi, Mrs. Douglas.

How are you? Mr. Douglas.

We're looking for a little boy, about, uh-- Oh, your son.

Yeah, he's here. Son?

He's a cute kid, Mr. Douglas. Looks just like ya.

What are you talking about? Your son, Oliver Jr.

I didn't know you had a son.

I haven't got one.

Well, then how come he's got the same name like you do?

Look, Lisa, that's--

You oughta be ashamed of yourself,

shipping a kid away to West Point when he's only four years old.

- He told you that? - Yup. Opened right up to us.

For the last time, he is not my son.

Then how "comes" he knew your speech?

What speech? Oh, you know,

about plantin' the little seeds in the ground,

and watchin' them shoot up to the sun and the sky...

and makin' the American farmer the backbone of our economy.

That's your speech, all right. Was the fife playing too?

Well, I didn't hear it. Where is he?

Oh, he's in the kitchen. Yeah.

Ollie, your father's here!

He's gone.

Oh, Sarah, would you get me--

No, I don't need a haircut. Get me Fred Ziffel.

Well, if you see him again, will ya-- [ Phone Rings ]

Excuse me.

- Hello. - Fred! Uh, Sam.

Yeah, hello, Sam. What you got on your mind?

Fred, you sly old goat. Why didn't you ever tell me?

- Tell you what? - That Arnold had a brother.

Sam, have you been nippin' on that pickle juice again?

Oh, don't try to cover up. He told me all about it.

- Who told you about what? - Your son, Fred Ziffel Jr.

- My son? - Fred, you never told me you had a son.

Well, we wives are always the last to know.

Well, he ain't my son.

Well, he says he is. He charged a bottle of milk...

and a piece of pie to your account.

- Is that all right? - No, it ain't all right.

You charge it to Mr. Douglas. It's his kid.

- What? - Your kid's runnin' up a bill at Sam's store.

Let me talk to Mr. Drucker.

- Hello, Mr. Drucker. - Oh, yes, Mr. Douglas.

- Uh, Mr. Drucker, is that boy still there? - Yes, sir.

Well, hold on to him. I'll be right over.

He's gone? Yeah, the minute he heard you were comin' over,

he took off like a scared rabbit.

Sure was surprised to hear he was Fred's son.

- Oh, no, he's not. - Looks just like him.

No, Mr. Drucker. He is not Fred's son.

Oh, then, he's yours, like Fred said. Well, he sure looks just like you.

No, he is not my son and he is not Fred's son.

Then who do I charge the pie and milk to?

Oh, put that on my account.

- Then he is your son. - No. He's a runaway boy.

He was sleeping in my barn.

He told Fred Ziffel that he was Oliver Wendell Douglas Jr.,

and he told you that he was Fred Ziffel Jr.

I don't know whose son he'll claim to be next.

Sam Drucker Jr., eh? I always thought Sam was a bachelor.

Well, as they say, "Waters run deep in a still."

Or is it, "Stills run deep in a water"?

Well, whatever it is, you sure are a spittin' image of Sam.

- Yes, sir. - Shipped you off to sea in a whaling schooner, eh?

- Yes, when I was four. - Well, you're never too young to start learning a trade.

I suppose when you stick those harpoons in a whale, they blubber a lot, huh?

Say, that fella, better get his car outta the road. Somebody's gonna hit him.

Hi, Sheriff.

Going somewhere? Yeah, the airport.

He has to make a connection with his whaling ship.

- What's your name? - Hank Kimball Jr.

Hank Kimball? Say, that's a familiar name.

I think I know your father-- me.

- Is your name Gilbert Henshaw? - No, it's Hank Kimball.

- I'm talkin' to the boy. - Oh.

A description of you just came in on the Teletype from the state capital.

- Do you know your parents are looking for you? - They are?

Well, it must be payday, otherwise they don't care where I am.

You're Gilbert Henshaw, aren't you?

- Yes, sir. - Well, you'd better come along with me.

Darling, aren't you lonesome? For what?

Oh, don't you miss the "platters" of little "feets" around the house?

The "platters" of lit-- Oh, he was cute.

Lisa, he's home with his folks.

Let's forget him. I gotta milk Eleanor.

Morning, Mr. Douglas. Good morn-- Hold it!

Who's this? I found him sleepin' in the barn.

Can I keep this one? Where did he come from?

Gilbert sent him. What?

He's running away from home.

Gilbert told him that if you have to run, this is the place to run to.

Oh, yeah, it's the in place for juvenile fugitives. What's your name?

- Ed Sullivan. - Ed--

- Well, who is this? - Ed Sullivan.

Oh! I see you on TV every week.

Why don't you come in the house and I'll make you some breakfast.

Lisa, don't-- Lisa!

What the--

You got a triple "A" rating from Gilbert Henshaw.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.