Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Hey. That's not quite clean.

No. No, it isn't.

[ Shatters ] Lisa!

I told the dishes, "You have one chance to get clean. Otherwise, you're through."

How 'bout this one? Fine, fine.

You're sure you're not saying it just to save its life? Oh, no, no. It's, uh--

Just came to say good night. Good night.

This one ain't clean.

Eb!

That's the one whose life you were trying to save.

Eb! Where are you going all dressed up?

I got a date. With what?

It's not a "what" this time. It's a "who."

- What's her name? - Claudelia Frinkhauser! She's English.

Frinkhauser? That doesn't sound like an English name.

Then why does she always carry a bag of fish and chips around with her?

Well, that's very English.

Oh, yes, yes, very.

Does she take off her monocle while she's eating?

She don't wear a monocle. She has a contact lens with a string on it.

Why don't you--

Your suit's getting all wrinkled.

I'd reject this one if I were you. Eb!

Will you-- Eb, where are you going to take her?

Oh, we're going for a ride.

In what? Oh, thanks for reminding me.

Can I borrow your car? No.

The last time I lent it to you, you put a big dent in the fender.

I didn't do that. Claudelia did it.

That was the first time she ever drove.

The first time-- I was giving her driving lessons.

In my car? Well, her father won't let her drive his.

He says she don't have enough experience.

- That makes sense. - It makes sense to who?

That ain't clean neither.

Eb, will you stop--

What about the car? He's not getting it!

Boy, you sure are ruining my love life.

In our civilization, a fellow without wheels is nowhere.

Eb, even with wheels, you're nowhere.

Oliver!

Well! If you want a car, why don't you buy one?

I haven't got any money.

What do you do with the money I pay you? I show it to my friends.

It's always good for a big laugh.

You ought to be able to save something.

Every penny I make goes for alimony. What?

I send it to my grandfather so he can pay off my grandmother.

Your gra-- That's the last time he'll ever act as his own lawyer.

I think that's very nice of Eb, helping his grandfather.

Very nice. Look, Eb, if you want a car, you'll find some way to get the money.

Then you're not gonna lend it to me?

No, I'm not. Good night.

Have a good time. Some good time.

Did you ever spend an evening sittin' on a flat rock eatin' fish and chips?

It builds character. Yeah.

Oliver, you could have given him the car.

Lisa, the matter is closed. Let's not discuss it any fur--

What did you do that for?

Uh-- Well, it wasn't clean.

Who made you the health inspector?

There we are.

That's one pound of fine-ground coffee.

Is there gonna be anything else? No, thank you.

How much do we owe you? Oh, well, let's see.

We've got two loaves of bread, a pound of coffee, five pounds of sugar,

a slab of bacon, a sack of flour.

That'll be, uh, $3.20.

Three dollars and-- Food sure has gone up.

Whoo! Ooh. Twenty-dollar bill?

I'll have to get change out of the cash box.

Oh, let's see. What was that combination again?

Oh, yeah. Two kicks and a bang.

Oh. I guess it must have been two bangs and a kick.

That's easier than remembering numbers.

Now, how much did you owe me? 3.20.

Holy smoke! What's the matter?

I've been robbed. Robbed?

I had over $300 in there.

Sarah, get me the state police!

[ Siren Wailing ]

How do you do? I'm Officer Webster. Are you Mr. Drucker?

- Don't answer that. - What?

Uh, could we see some "indentifications," please? Lisa!

On television they always ask for "indentification." He may be an "imposture."

That's a state trooper's uniform!

Thank you. Now, Mr. Drucker, I--

He could be on his way to some masquerade party.

- I saw that on The F.B.I. program. - Madam, who are you?

I am Lisa Douglas, and this is my husband.

How do you do? Now, Mr. Drucker, just what was taken?

- Have you ever been to Budapest? - No, I was ne--

The reason I asked you that was because the captain of the palace guards...

looked just like you when you were younger.

Mr. Douglas, could you-- I'll do my best.

Lisa, will you let the officer do his job?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Drucker, just what was taken? Three hundred dollars.

Where did you keep it? In this box, in that safe.

I see. Now, uh, was the safe locked?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Drucker, did anybody--

Wait a minute. Aren't you going to ask if anybody else knew the combination?

Did anybody else know the combination to the safe besides yourself?

I did. Two kicks and a bang.

- No, ma'am, it was two bangs and a kick. - Two bangs and a ki--

- The dial doesn't work. - Oh, fine.

Now, you say you kept the cash in this box--

Drop that box!

Who are you?

Don't you know better than to get fingerprints all over it?

I don't want anybody to touch this box until the police gets here.

- That means you. - Oh, boy.

Who is this lamebrain? Which lamebrain?

I think he means you.

Oh. My name is Kimball, Hank Kimball.

Not Kimball Hank Kimball. The Kimball's at the end.

No, that would make it Hank Kimball Kimball and--

- What happened here, Sam? - I was robbed.

- Robbed? You oughta call the police. - He is the police.

Oh, well, I'm glad you finally got here.

There's been a little trouble. What happened, Sam?

Mr. Krumble, would you mind waiting outside?

No, the name is Krumble, not Kimball.

No, Krimble. No, Krumble. Hank Krumble.

He's the county agent.

Yes, sir, and I'd be glad to help you because we've been trained to--

Uh-- What was it we were trained for?

Ooh, I remember.

Wait! Would you really like to help me out in my investigation?

Certainly. What do you want me to do?

Just sit right down there and keep your eye on that pickle barrel.

Make sure that nobody climbs in or out.

Yes, sir!

Now maybe I can conduct this investigation with some semblance of sanity.

When are you going to hit him with the rubber hose like they do on television?

Madam, no matter what you have seen on television,

we do not hit people with rubber hoses.

Then how do you explain all those marks on Frank Nitti?

Frank Nitti?

What you need is some "psycholology."

Psycholololo--

It's a form of psychology. That's right.

That's when you tell Mr. Drucker that you've got his mother in the other room...

and that she confessed that she killed the butler, but he said that she didn't do it.

She's only saying it to save him. He did it.

You see it almost every week on some television program.

Madam, for the last time, I'm going to ask you to please--

- Oh! Somebody's coming out of the pickle barrel. - What?

Oh, I guess it was just the gas.

[ Chuckling ] Now, where was I?

You were just going to hit him with a rubber hose.

All right! Now, everybody out! Out!

Whoa, wait a minute. Let me get our groceries.

Get them and get out! I said, everybody out.

Oh, I didn't know whether or not you meant the pickle barrel watchers.

Uh, yeah.

Now, Mr. Drucker, maybe you--

- Mr. Drucker? - Yeah?

What are you doing out there?

Well, you said everybody out.

Would you please come in here?

Sit down.

Let me talk to you.

[ Lisa ] Coming!

Can we get it back as soon as possible, and no starch in the shorts?

Thank you.

Coming.

Well, that was fast service! See you next week!

Lady, I'm Officer Webster, not the laundryman.

Well, that was a natural mistake.

He wears the same uniform like you do, except for the Boy Scout hat.

- Is your husband around? - Around what?

- Is he home? - He's over in the barn. I'll call him for you.

Oliver, the storm trooper is here!

- State trooper. - Oh?

Well, that's what we used to call them in the old country-- storm troopers.

They were really weathermen.

Every time there was a storm, these troopers used to come and warn us.

That's why we called them "storm troopers."

Well-- Yes, Lisa?

Oh. Hello there, Officer.

Hello, Mr. Douglas. How's the case coming?

It's only been three days since the robbery.

Do you want my advice how to catch the crook?

- Be on the lookout for a fancy wristwatch. - What does that mean?

On the Perry Mason show, every time they make a heist, they stake him out.

And when he thinks the heat is off,

he takes the loot and buys a fancy wristwatch...

or a set of gold teeth for his mother.

And that's how they know that he's the one,

because he didn't have the money in the first place.

That's fine for television, but in real life a criminal would be pretty stupid...

to go out and spend the money he's stolen and then show up with whatever he's bought.

- [ Old-fashioned Horn Honking ] - Look what I just bought!

How do you like it? Where did you get this?

In Pixley. Only cost $300.

You see, Oliver? You say that Eb never listens to you.

You told him to save up for a car, and in three days he saved up $300.

He didn't have any money three days ago?

No, sir. All I had was a flat rock, a girl named Claudelia,

a bag of fish and chips-- and what's the fuzz doing here?

- He's, uh-- - You in trouble with the law again, Mr. Douglas?

No, I--

- Did he find your still? - Eb, will you--

He never uses it. It was a present from Frank Nitti.

There's that name again.

Mr. Douglas used to be his mouthpiece.

Yes, he's a lawyer.

He could have been in the F.B.I., but he's afraid of guns.

Young man, may I ask you a question?

Where did you get the $300 for this car?

Uh, just a second. What are you implying?

I'm not implying anything. I simply asked him a question.

He doesn't have to answer it. Does he have something to hide?

Look, now, see here-- I don't mind telling him where I got it.

This fellow paid me back the $300 he owed me. What fellow?

I can't remember his name.

You lend somebody $300, and you can't remember his name?

I remembered it when I lent it to him, but now that he's paid me back, it's not important.

Well, that makes sense.

- Where does he live? - He moved.

- Where to? - He didn't tell me.

- They never do. - Lady, please.

Do you remember what he looked like?

Yeah, he was a short, dumpy fellow with yellow hair, a double chin and--

No, that was a girl I was going around with.

Would you mind telling me where you got this money from originally?

That's another story.

About six months ago I got a letter from my Uncle Wallaby in Australia.

- You never said you had an uncle in Australia. - Oh?

He must have slipped my mind. Anyway, $300 doesn't mean a thing to him.

He's very wealthy. He bottles sheep dip.

It's a very popular drink, especially in the summertime.

It tastes like kind of a hairy vodka.

Young man, I think I'd better take you in for questioning.

You're charged with the commission of a felony.

How do you plead-- guilty or not guilty?

Not guilty! He didn't do it! [ Gavel Raps ]

- Now, then, lady, who are you? - This is my wife, Your Honor.

That's right, and he didn't do it.

- Madam, it's very nice of you to defend your husband, but-- - There's been some mistake.

I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard that one.

Uh, no, Your Honor. I'm an attorney.

An attorney?

Aren't you ashamed of yourself, an officer of the court accused of a felony?

Oh, no. I didn't steal the money. No, he did.

No, I mean, he did not steal it.

He's guilty of not stealing.

I'm his attorney as charged.

- Young man, is this man your attorney? - Yes, sir.

You realize that you're entitled to the best legal representation possible,

so, if you wish, I'll appoint another attorney for you.

No, Mr. Douglas is all right, as long as he stays sober.

Eb, will you--

I'm just trying to put a little levity into an oppressing situation.

Your Honor, we plead not guilty.

Your Honor, Eb is innocent.

He was framed, just like Frank Nitti.

Frank Nitti?

The fellow that gave Mr. Douglas the still.

- What still? - Your Honor--

Counselor, don't you know it's against the law to operate a still?

I don't operate one.

No, he just sits and looks at it and dreams of the old days in Chicago.

Eb, will you stop it.

Young man, I'm holding you over for trial. Bail is set at $500.

All I have is $12, Your Honor.

Would you take an I.O.U. for the rest? Eb.

The court does not take I.O.U.s.

How 'bout credit cards?

Young man, are you making fun of the dignity of this court?

No, Your Honor. He's--

[ Sighs ] I'll arrange bail.

You go along with the officer.

Court dismissed. Come along, son.

This way. Thank you.

Wait a second.

Ah, come on. Come on.

Madam, you aren't allowed in here.

I just want to see which room you're giving him.

That one.

Oh. Couldn't we have one without bars?

Lady, this is a jail, not a hotel.

In. Thank you.

- Not you. - I just want to see if it's satisfactory.

Is that the best view you have?

Yes.

- Eb, do you like it? - No, ma'am!

- Could we see another one? - They're all alike.

Now, if you'll just get out of there--

He'll need more blankets on the bed.

We'll get the blankets, but, lady, will you please come out?

Now get in.

- Where's the TV? - We don't have any.

Well, couldn't you get him one? Ed loves to watch TV.

Why don't you get him one and charge it to me?

Lady, we don't rent TVs. This is a jail!

No wonder always everybody wants to break out.

Lady, will you please leave?

Didn't you forget something? For Pete's sake!

You get in there and stay in there!

Lady? Uh, lady?

Yes?

What are you doing in there?

Get out! Not you, her.

Now, you get in, and you stay out.

Git!

This way.

Ooh. Oh, I'm sorry!

Look, I have an order for his release.

Huh? He's in there.

I know where he is.

Uh, Eb, look. This is very important.

I'm gonna ask you one question, and I want the truth.

- Do you want any coffee? - No, sir, and that's the truth.

Lisa, will you--

- Well, do you want any coffee? - No, thank you.

Well, that's good because we haven't got any.

Eb, you didn't take the money from Mr. Drucker, did you?

- Of course he didn't! - I know he didn't.

Well, then what did you ask him for?

- I want to hear him say it. - Hear what?

- That you took the money. - I took the money.

- You what? - That's what you wanted to hear me say, wasn't it?

No, I-- Look, Eb.

Let's talk about this fellow who you claim returned the money he borrowed from you.

You don't remember his name, hmm? No, sir.

How do you think that story is going to sound in court?

I don't know. I never told it in court.

Well, nobody's going to believe it.

- I believe it. - You're not on the jury.

How do I get on?

Lisa, will you make some coffee?

- I thought you said you didn't want any. - I changed my mind.

We don't have any in the house.

We just bought some from Mr. Drucker.

Now, Eb, if you can't remember his name,

where did this fellow live?

I told you he moved. From where?

Crabwell Corners. Well, maybe we can get a line on him over there.

If we can find him, we'll be able to verify your story--

[ Knocking ] Come in.

What the-- My card.

"Mr. Haney, tracer of lost persons"?

Got a nice ring to it, hasn't it?

Be a good title for a radio program.

You don't happen to be lookin' for anybody, do you?

- Yes, we are. - You are?

- Clarence, it looks like we come at the right time. - [ Barks ]

Now, if you've just got a shoe or a sock belonging to the missing person--

or as we say in the trade, the "missee"--

Clarence will be happy to sniff him out for a slight fee.

We don't need any--

Clarence has done sniffing work for people like the sheriff...

and the state police and the F.B.I.

- Yeah, well, uh-- - It was Clarence's cold nose...

that sniffed out Frank Nitti from behind an abandoned still over at Bagwell.

Oh, for-- Look, we don't need a-a-a bloodhound.

- What do you need? - We need some peace and quiet!

Care to have your house soundproofed?

No! Look, Mr. Haney, I've got to prepare Eb's case.

You need any law books?

I have all the law books I need.

How about loophole books?

Would you just take your bloodhound and--

Come on, Clarence. Let's see if we can pick up Judge Crater's trail again.

- Who's Judge, uh-- - Never mind.

[ Sighs ] Let's just concentrate on your problem. Now--

Oliver, there is something wrong with the percolator. It's all stuffed up.

I think it's the coffee. It is full of green papers.

Green-- This is a picture of Lincoln.

And some of the papers have numbers on them. This is ground-up money.

Ground up in the coffee. I--

Oh, doggone! Now I remember.

I started to put the $300 in the cash box when somebody came in,

and I shoved it into the coffee grinder, forgot all about it.

- You forgot all-- - That'll teach you a lesson.

Next time, you'll buy canned coffee.

Mr. Drucker, do you realize all the trouble you've caused for Eb?

Oh, I'm sorry, Eb. I'll make it up to you.

Hey, maybe I could get you somethin' for that new car-- a new horn or a foxtail or--

Oh, they took the car back. Why?

The $300 I got back from the fellow whose name I can't remember was counterfeit.

Counterfeit? Oh, you'd better do--

Uh, excuse me. Can you tell me where I could find a Mr. Douglas?

- Oliver Wendell Douglas? - Yes, that's me.

I'm from the treasury department.

The treasury? Oh, yes, those counterfeit bills--

Oh, I'm not here to--

What counterfeit bills?

The ones the fellow whose name I can't remember gave me.

Well, we'll talk about that later.

I have a warrant to search your farm, Mr. Douglas.

Why?

We were tipped off that you're operating a still that once belonged to Frank Nitti.

[ Bubbling ]

Oh, shut up!

What a day.

Yes, but it's all over.

And as Frank Nitti once said, "All is well that ends in a well."

Lisa, you mention that name once more, and I'll--

Well, at least they didn't find your still.

Lisa, just turn the light out and let me go to sleep.

Boy, those names are sure late tonight.

The names?

Yes, the fellow that's supposed to put them on at the beginning...

must have fallen asleep.

Lucky him! Good night.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.