Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Well, them fellers don't write the World Guardian!

Oh, doggone it!

Now, this is yer last chance. If I don't get what I was supposed to get,

you're gonna get it!

Well, that's better.

Mr. Drucker?

Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas. Come on back to the pressroom.

I got somethin' I wanna show ya.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Mrs. Douglas. I didn't know you were here.

Oh, that's because when we first came in...

and Mr. Douglas said, "Oh, Mr. Drucker?"

and you said, "Come back here. There is something I want to show you,"

Mr. Douglas didn't say, "My wife is with me."

You don't have to make such a big thing out of it.

Mr. Drucker just said he didn't know you were here.

Well, since he was nice enough to mention it,

the least I could do to give him an explanation.

If it were up to you, I could be standing here,

and he never would have known why.

Aha. I-I wanted to show you... this. Yes.

Since I am with him, can I look too?

Oh, sure, sure. Very nice.

Oh. Why didn't you put her name on it too?

I don't know her name. Nobody does.

When he eloped, he just left us a note saying he'd run off with what's-her-name.

Uh, "Wish us luck."

Didn't he introduce you to her when he brought her home yesterday?

They're not home yet.

They're not due back from the Grand Canyon till, what, Friday.

Well, that's strange. Ben Miller said...

he saw Eb over at Crabwell Corners yesterday.

- He must've made a mistake. - Yeah, well, that's possible.

Ben always goes over there to --

That used to be your favorite exercise.

That was not my favorite--

Well, I'm glad Eb ain't home yet, Mrs. Douglas, because it just came in.

It did? Isn't that wonderful, Oliver? What's wonderful?

It's here! What's here?

What Mrs. Douglas ordered.

Come on. I'll show it to you. Show me what?

Eb's wedding present. [ Exhales ]

What are we getting him for a wedding present?

Something made out of silver.

A filling for his tooth.

A silver set for 12. Now that he is married,

he's going to do a lot of entertaining.

Who's he gonna entertain? He doesn't know 12 people.

Do you know what pattern I got him? Carbuncle.

Carbuncle? Oh, yeah.

They call it that because the knives have little bumps on the handles.

They keep the knife from jumpin' out of your hand...

when you're cuttin' a tough piece of meat.

That's very-- Service for 12?

I had the choice of the carbuncle pattern and the Martha Washington pattern.

That's their Italian design.

Martha Washington? That's not very Italian.

Oh, they spell Washington the Italian way.

- How's that? - I don't know. I've never sold a set.

Well, come on. Let's get your carbuncle and get out of here.

You know, this is the biggest silver order I ever got.

Your wife got the whole thing at once.

Most people just order a can at a time.

Yeah, my wife--

A can? Yeah, of Dingo's Duck Dressing.

Duck dressing?

It's not how they dress. It's what you stuff them with.

Yeah, it's a special that Dingo puts out every year.

There's a sterling silver teaspoon in every can.

- I don't believe it! - Oh, yeah.

Why, that's where they get their slogan from:

"Eatin' Dingo's dressin' is like bein' born with a silver spoon in your mouth."

Oh, that's a dilly. No, it's a Dingo.

I wonder if it's too late to have you deported?

Oh. Miss Douglas, here are your butter knives. Dingo's Macaroni?

Now, the regular knives come in the Number Six package of Dingo's Spaghetti.

You know, with all this spaghetti and macaroni,

I don't know, maybe I should've gotten the Martha Washington style.

We get more compliments on our carbuncle.

What do you think, Oliver?

I think I'm gonna be sick. Where are the forks?

Oh. Well, the salad forks are in the canned asparagus,

and the regular forks are here in the dill pickles.

Doesn't the brine tarnish them?

No. Dill pickles are always green.

No, I meant--

Never mind. Have we got the whole set?

Yes. Isn't this a wonderful way to buy silver?

You get what to eat and what to eat with. Yeah, well--

If Eb and his bride don't like the carbuncle,

they can always trade it in for the Martha Washington pattern if they don't open the cans.

Lisa, I've seen some strange wedding presents in my time--

And they all came from your side of the family.

By any chance, do you think Eb or his bride would like to have the gravy boat?

That comes in the canned ham.

- Say, you gonna give Eb a party? - No, we--

Yes, we are. We're going to give him a big party.

Why do we have to give him a party?

Well, we ought to do something nice for him.

We are doing something nice for him.

I'm letting him come back to work,

and we're buying him a set of matched canned goods.

Well, we ought to do some-- [ Door Opens ]

Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel. Good mornin', folks. Good mornin'.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel. Hello, Arnold.

[ Snorting ] [ Fred ] Don't talk to him, Miss Douglas.

Now, you get over there and sit down now, and I don't wanna hear a word out of you.

- Darn fool pig. - What did he do?

What did he do? He nearly scared me to death, that's what he did.

Last night, he stole an apple out of the fruit bowl.

And this mornin' when I got up,

he was lyin' flat with his back on the floor with the apple in his mouth.

[ Squealing ]

Yeah, very funny.

I tell you, Mrs. Douglas, I--

What are you doin', buyin' some Dingo ware? They bought the whole set.

Oh, includin' the towels? Towels?

Yeah, me and Doris got the whole shebang.

Hand towels, face towels, bath towels and shower curtains to match.

- A shower curtain? - They pack that in the 10-pound flour sack.

Oliver, do you think Eb would like to have the whole towel set too?

- Oh, I don't really think he-- - What is the name of that girl he married?

- We don't know. - Ain't ya met her?

No, they won't be home till Friday.

Oh. They're gonna stay over in Pixley till then, huh?

Pixley? Yeah.

Doris said she saw Eb in Pixley yesterday.

I wonder if that's the same Eb Mr. Miller saw in Crabwell Corners.

Now, it couldn't be, because Eb is coming home from the Grand Canyon on Friday.

Oh, I think Doris made a mistake.

Not Doris.

No, she's got an eye like an eagle... and a nose like one too.

[ Squealing ]

Now, don't you tell her I said that.

It doesn't make sense.

If Ed were in Crabwell Corners or Pixley, he would've called us.

Called us what?

On the phone. Mr. Drucker, would you help me out to the car with this?

Hello, everybody. Hi, Newt.

Say, Mr. Douglas, Eb sure must've had a good time on his honeymoon.

- He looks great. - You saw him?

Yeah, over at Stankwell Falls this morning.

Are you sure it was Eb?

Well, I ain't too sure, 'cause he shaved off his mustache.

- Oh, he never had a mustache. - Then it must've been Eb.

Well, that doesn't seem like Eb.

Yeah, it was him. He didn't have a mustache.

Well, why would Eb say he's coming home on Friday when he's already here?

I told 'em I'd be home Friday.

But, Eb, I've got a date on Friday.

It won't take long.

Cynthia, all I wanna do is introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Douglas as my wife,

and then you can go keep your date.

I'm sorry, Eb. But, Cynthia, I'm in a spot!

How's it gonna look if I come home from my honeymoon without a wife?

Well, what happened to your wife?

I haven't got one. I never got married.

You didn't? But I thought that you--

I was jilted. She left me standing at the altar...

with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bag of rice in the other.

I would've cried, but I didn't have an extra hand to get at my handkerchief.

Well, why did she-- It's too painful to discuss.

Please help me. I've tried every other girl I know.

I went to Crabwell Corners and Pixley and Stankwell Falls, and--

and you're my last hope.

Oh, Eb. Oh, Eb.

Cynthia, I thought you were one of my best friends. Well, I am.

Then what are friends for, except to be somebody's wife for a few hours.

Oh, Eb, really! It might not even take that long.

All I have to do is say, "This is my wife." And then you can get lost.

Well, don't you think they might ask where I went?

That's no problem. I'll just tell 'em we had a fight and we got a divorce.

It's ridiculous!

Mom and Pop Douglas have been like my own ma and pa.

If I come home without a wife, I don't know what it'll do to the old folks.

Why do you have to make it so complicated?

What would you suggest I do?

How about telling the Douglases the truth-- that you're not married?

Leave it to a girl to come up with a stupid solution.

Lisa, I'll--

What are you doing? Polishing silver.

Polishing the sil--

Do you think we should wrap them separately or lump them altogether?

- Well, my suggestion would be-- - I've got another question to ask you.

Look, I haven't answered the first one yet.

I've got another question. Do you think we should have...

the newlywed "welcome home" party on Friday or Saturday?

- Why don't we just-- - One more question.

Do you think $600 is too much for the estimate?

- Well, I-- - Which question are you answering?

The $600 question.

That program isn't on the air anymore.

- What program? - You answer my question first, and then I answer yours.

- Fine. - Can I go ahead with it?

Uh, go ahead with what?

- Now, about the barn. - The barn?

Well, what are we talking about?

I haven't the faintest idea! Oh! I'll show you.

Now, this is what they're going to do for the $600 estimate.

Oh. Here you are. Yeah, here I am.

You know, this room was all right for Eb while he was a bachelor.

But now that he's married, we have to redo the entire thing.

And we're going to start with that ladder over there.

We're going to get rid of it and build a staircase coming up here.

What do they need a staircase for?

Well, Eb doesn't need one, but his wife is expecting.

She's expecting? Yes.

She's expecting a staircase instead of a ladder.

Oh-- [ Muttering ]

Did you say something? No. No, no, no.

Now, this monkey will go. Oh, that's Eb's graduation present.

Well, it goes, and so does this.

I think you should discuss it with Eb...

before you take down his mother's picture.

Now that Eb is married, he won't need Eloise to keep his feet warm.

Oh, I'm sorry, Eloise. I want you packed and out of here by Friday.

Now, then. Hmm.

The mattress is all right. Hmm?

But we're going to get a whole new spread with something "romantical" on it,

like Cupids shooting arrows at each other.

Why not Custer's last stand?

That way, you get arrows and Indians and soldiers and, uh, cowboys.

I think I know what I am doing in the romantical department.

You won't get any argument from me.

Now, above the bed, we're going to have one of those knitted signs.

Oh, you mean a sampler. Yes, one of those knitted sign samplers.

Something saying something romantical, like--

How about, uh, "Don't talk to the driver while the bus is in motion"?

No, no. It should have the word "love" in it.

Oh. How about, "I love my wife, but, oh, you kid"?

What does that mean? I don't know. My father had it tattooed on his chest.

Oh. Well, maybe Eb would like to make up his own saying. I'm sure he would.

Besides, there was nothing included...

in the $600 estimate about writing on the walls.

What was the 600 for?

To do the room in early American furnitures...

with matching walls in "potty nine."

Potty nine? Mm-hmm.

Oh. Knotty pine. Oh, that's 650.

Look, what do we need potty nine-- knotty pine for?

We could use beaverboard. That's 800.

For beaverboard?

Do you know how long it takes a beaver to make a board?

No, but I could look it up.

Then you think that Saturday would be all right? For what?

Well, what we have been talking about?

I'm sure I don't know.

About the party for the newlyweds!

We can string Japanese lanterns across the house,

and we can put the champagne table over there and the orchestra over there.

The orchestra? Well, that's really for you,

because whenever you get stoned on champagne, you always want to dance.

Lisa, I don't object to throwing Eb a party,

but this is gonna cost us a fortune.

Well, how much are you willing to pop for?

Pop? How much bread are you going to lay out?

Bread? This is hippie talk.

By the way, are you going to be able to come to the love-in on Sunday?

Now, where is that going to be?

In there.

And who's coming to that? You and me.

Will you be able to make it?

Let's see how I survive the champagne Saturday night.

Come on, will ya, Cynthia?

Why do I have to carry the suitcase?

Well, you want 'em to think we're married, don't you?

Boy, it's great to be home.

It is? It just looks like this on the outside.

But the inside is terrible. Come on. Let's get it over with.

What's the matter? Uh, I've changed my mind.

You can't change your mind! This is the silliest--

Cynthia Appleby, you promised! You can't back out!

Why not? What's all the--

Eb! Hi, Dad!

Well! Nice to see ya.

I thought I heard somebody out here. Oh, yeah, um--

Me and the little woman were just having one of those premarital fights,

like you and Mom always have.

Are you gonna introduce me?

To who?

To your wife. Oh, yeah.

Come on. Uh, Mr. Douglas, may I present my wife, Cynthia Appleby.

I'm very-- Appleby?

That was her maiden name. Her married name is Mrs. Appleby.

I mean, Mrs. Dawson. Mrs. Eb Dawson.

You can call her Cynthia. It's very nice to know you, Cynthia.

It's been nice meeting you too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be running along.

Running along? Eb!

Hi, Mom! Eb, you look wonderful.

And this must be your bride. Oh, isn't she pretty?

Thank you, Mrs. Douglas. I'd better be going.

Well, what are we standing around here for?

Come on in. Oh, I really can't.

You see, I've got-- Come on, honey!

Aren't you going to carry her over the threshold?

Oh, sure. Mm-mm!

Oh, I forgot. The doctor said I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavy.

It's bad luck for a bride not to be "thresholded."

Oliver, maybe you could carry her.

Uh, that wouldn't be official.

Well, somebody ought to be carried.

I'd carry you, but, uh, I go to the same doctor Eb does.

Come on inside. We have a lot to talk about.

Well, uh-- Eb, may I speak to you a minute?

Oh, uh, excuse us. This is man and wife stuff.

Oh, we understand. We had some of that stuff ourselves.

What's the matter? This is very embarrassing.

I don't wanna go in the house. Why not?

If they start asking questions-- I'll answer them.

Look, I've gotta go home. I've got a date.

What kind of a wife are you makin' a date the night you're meetin' your in-laws?

But-- Come on.

Look, just go in and talk to 'em for a little while, and then you can go home.

When we found Eb's note saying he was eloping,

we were a little afraid that he might be doing something foolish.

But now that I see you, I am sure he made the right choice.

Well, she didn't do so bad either.

Oh, boy.

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

Yeah, there's only one girl for me, and that's old Cyn here.

Uh, according to your postcard, you had a wonderful time on your honeymoon.

Yes. Did you enjoy Niagara Falls?

Uh-- Uh, well, she didn't see the falls.

She gets seasick when she looks at water. Yes, I'm seasick.

Well, uh, how did you like the Grand Canyon?

Uh, Grand Canyon? Don't you remember, honey?

That was the big hole in the ground with the creek runnin' through it.

Yes, the-the creek. She got seasick there too.

Oh, well, we want you to know how happy we are for both of you,

and we want to welcome you to the family.

Doggone. Ain't that beautiful?

Yes. Well, um, I'm gonna have to be running along.

Why, of course. You want to see your room.

We are redoing Eb's room above the barn. It's going to be a regular love nest.

Love nest? Mom's a great girl, ain't she?

She sure is.

Come on, darling. I'll take you there.

Oh, well-- Well, uh, Cynthia can't stay.

She's gotta go home. Her mother's very strict. What?

Well, she hasn't seen her mother in a long while, and--

Well, you run along, Cyn, and I'll see you tomorrow.

Aren't you going with her? Why?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Cyn. See you folks later!

Aren't they a darling couple?

Well, she's very nice. But him--

Remember when we first came back from our honeymoon?

We acted just like them.

Not exactly. You didn't go home to your mother.

No, but you did.

I had to get my laundry done.

Well, I hope they'll be just as happy as we have been.

I hope they'll do better than that.

[ Crowing ]

Good morning, dear. Good morning, darling.

What are you doing? I'm making out the list for the newlyweds' party.

I already got Mr. Drucker, Mr. and Mrs. Miller,

Mr. and Mrs. Ziffel, and Arnold.

You're going to invite Arnold?

Well, the Ziffels always have so much trouble in getting a pig-sitter.

- Ah. - Who else do you think I ought to invite?

- Why don't you ask the newlyweds? - Somebody got married?

- Oh, we were just talking about you. - Oh, me?

I just can't get used to living in a connubial state.

Is there anybody you'd like to invite for the party tonight?

- Party? What party? - For you and Cynthia.

- Oh, you don't have to give us a party. - Oh, but we want to.

It's not necessary.

Eb, it's all arranged.

Gosh, I'd better check with Cynthia and see if she's got any other plans.

Plans? Sometimes she babysits on Saturday nights.

Oh, Eb. But I'll ask her.

But, Cynthia-- I'm sorry. I have a date with Herbie tonight.

Can't you break it? Would you like it if a girl did that to you?

One did. She left me standin' at the altar...

with a bouquet in one hand and a bag of rice in the other.

You told me about that. Did I tell you I would've cried,

but I couldn't get at my handkerchief? Yes!

Eb, I've gone as far as I'm going to go.

But all you have to do is show up at the party for an hour and look happy.

- And then you can take off. - What about Herbie? I can't ask him to wait around.

Well, bring him along. We can pass him off as your brother.

No! Your uncle?

I am not getting any more involved.

All right, if that's the way you want it.

But remember this, Cynthia Appleby,

this is the last time I ever marry you.

[ Door Slams Shut ]

Uh, put that yellow one over here.

Watch the ladder, will you? Oh.

I don't know why we're going to all this fuss anyway.

What are you doin'? Well, what does it look like I'm doin'?

It looks like you're hanging up Japanese lanterns. But that couldn't be right, could it?

Well, it's for your party tonight.

- You'd better call that off. - Why?

Hey, will you watch the ladder!

What do you mean, call it off?

Me and Cynthia had a fight.

Oh. Well, that's all right. All married people fight. You'll make up.

No, we won't. We're through.

Oh, come on, Eb. It can't be that bad.

It is. She didn't wanna come to the party.

- Why not? - Because she had a date with Herbie.

Well, who is Herbie?

He's the fellow she's going steady with.

Now, Eb, I wouldn't let her--

Lisa, please. Eb, ever since you got back,

I've had the strange feeling that there's something going on between you and Cynthia.

Now, what is it?

Well-- Could I have a glass of water? What is it?

Well, the truth is that I've been livin' a lie.

And that's the truth. What's the truth?

That I've been livin' a lie. Eb!

Well, Cynthia and I aren't really married.

She was just helpin' me out to cover up for the fact that I was jilted.

Jilted? Yes.

I was supposed to elope with Gloria Fenton,

but she left me waitin' at the altar.

Why? It was a school night. Her father wouldn't let her out.

Holy--

What about all those postcards? Oh, they were true.

- I went on the honeymoon. - With whom?

- Myself. - Why did you do that?

Well, I had all those hotel reservations, and I didn't wanna cancel 'em...

because I was scared I'd get in trouble with the travel bureau.

Oh, you poor boy.

You went all alone on your honeymoon?

I didn't mind. I guess I'm really a loner.

- Am I forgiven? - Of course.

- How about you, Dad? - Stop calling--

Yes, you're forgiven.

Now, go on. Get up there and take down those lanterns.

I can't right now. I'm gonna call up Wilma...

and see if she can go to the movies with me tonight.

- Who is Wilma? - She's Herbie's mother.

- Mother? - Yeah.

I figure the next time I elope, it ought to be with a girl who can go out on school nights.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.