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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:19,818 [ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪ 2 00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:22,187 ♪ Is the place to be ♪ 3 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:26,058 ♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪ 4 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:30,162 ♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪ 5 00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:33,899 ♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪ 6 00:00:33,968 --> 00:00:38,002 [ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪ 7 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:42,174 ♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪ 8 00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:45,677 ♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪ 9 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,847 ♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪ 10 00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:53,385 ♪ The chores ♪ 11 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,420 ♪ The stores ♪ 12 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,390 - ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪ 13 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:02,828 - ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪ 14 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:06,398 [ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪ 15 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,512 [ Ringing ] 16 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:28,487 - [ Ringing Continues ] - Oliver. 17 00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:31,823 - What? - Oliver, the phone is ringing. 18 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:35,660 - Well, why don't you answer it? - What's the use? It's not for me. 19 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,730 - How do you know? - Well, it's never for me. Nobody ever calls me. 20 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,066 I don't have any friends here. 21 00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,268 I'm cut off from civilization, 22 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,770 stuck out here in the last outpost. 23 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,507 - Oh, for-- - [ Ringing Continues ] 24 00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:56,914 If the Monroe brothers don't fix that door, I'm going to-- 25 00:01:56,983 --> 00:01:58,916 Your phone's ringing. 26 00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:00,918 I know. Why don't you fix the door? 27 00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:03,555 Why don't you answer your phone? Look, Ralph, don't-- 28 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:07,359 Look, you take care of your business, and we'll take care of ours. 29 00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:09,361 I'll-- [ Ringing Continues ] 30 00:02:09,429 --> 00:02:11,363 [ Groans ] 31 00:02:11,431 --> 00:02:14,199 Why don't you watch where you're going? 32 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:17,536 Why don't you answer your phone? Ooh-- 33 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,104 [ Ringing Continues ] What's bugging him? 34 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:23,007 You'd think he'd never been hit in the stomach with a board before. 35 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:26,211 Well, he's been very edgy lately. 36 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,580 All he does is snarl at me. 37 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,582 Men-- they're all alike. 38 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,052 How would you know? You're a loser. Alf, I'm gonna-- 39 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,089 - Hello? - Is this Mr. Douglas? 40 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,258 - Yes, it is. - Oliver Wendell Douglas? 41 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,061 - That's right. Who's this? - It's your mother. 42 00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:45,230 Mother! 43 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,266 Why, I didn't recognize your voice. I-- 44 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:51,236 No wonder. When was the last time you called me? 45 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:54,406 - Well, it was, uh-- - I can't remember either. 46 00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:57,709 - Well, how are you? - What difference does it make? 47 00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,578 Oh, Mother, now stop feeling sorry for yourself. I-- 48 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,115 Hey, what are you doing? 49 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,219 I'm crying, that's what I'm doing. 50 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:09,421 No, I'm not talking to you. 51 00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:12,724 - You never do. - Oh, for-- 52 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,428 Do you have to make that racket? 53 00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:20,965 I'm sorry. I don't have any control over my arteries. 54 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,602 No, I wasn't talking to you. 55 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:26,371 You never do! 56 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,373 You said that. 57 00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:31,709 Look, Mother, I can't talk to you now. I'll call you soon. 58 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,379 That's what you said when you called me last Christmas. 59 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,448 Or was it the Christmas before? 60 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:39,251 I promise I-I'll call you soon. 61 00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:41,886 Those were your father's very words-- 62 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:46,123 just before he disappeared, 30 years ago. 63 00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:50,161 It's been nice talking to you, Mother. Good-bye now. 64 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,198 [ Groans ] Give me that. 65 00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,468 Ow. 66 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:59,271 - Who was that? - It was his mother-- 67 00:03:59,339 --> 00:04:01,339 and he wasn't very nice to her. 68 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:05,243 What do you expect from a guy who bellyaches about getting hit in the stomach with a board? 69 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:09,013 Now see here. I've had about enough of your impertinence. 70 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,851 Either you get to work, or you get out of here. Yes, sir. 71 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,420 I am not talking to you. 72 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,791 How long you gonna put up with that, Mrs. Douglas? 73 00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:23,995 It's really not his fault. He's been working very hard on the farm. 74 00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:26,831 Yeah, I guess it ain't an easy job to mess it up the way he has. 75 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,034 [ Oliver ] I heard that! 76 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,203 He's got ears like a beagle. 77 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,638 And he's got a snout like one too. 78 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:36,040 You two are fired. 79 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,143 Come on, Ralph. No, I think he meant me and my brother. 80 00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:41,546 Well, if there's some doubt, why don't we ask him? 81 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,716 Out! Out! Out! 82 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:47,386 Oliver, that wasn't very nice. 83 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:50,555 They had no right-- You're just not yourself these days. 84 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,025 You're so grouchy. 85 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,027 You ought to take a vacation. 86 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:58,163 How can I take a vacation when there's so much work to do around the farm? 87 00:04:58,232 --> 00:05:00,732 That can wait. Your health comes first. 88 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,834 Lisa, will you leave me alone? 89 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,807 We left our lunch in the bedroom. 90 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:19,183 What's wrong? He stole our salami. 91 00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:22,220 Anything else, Mrs. Douglas? Yes, I need a salami. 92 00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:24,222 Oh, I'm sorry. I don't carry them. 93 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:28,260 Oh, I have to have one. My husband swiped Alf and Ralph's. 94 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,396 - He swiped? - I'm worried about him. 95 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:34,366 I wouldn't worry about him. A lot of men swipe salamis. 96 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:36,368 Well, not a lot of men. 97 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,870 As a matter of fact, I think you'll find more women snatch salamis. 98 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,873 Or is it liverwurst? No, that's a different color. 99 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,908 Just ignore him. 100 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,945 Mr. Douglas just hasn't been himself lately. 101 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:50,782 Any idea who he's been? Maybe we could have a talk with the other fella. 102 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:55,053 - What's bothering your husband? - He's been working too hard. 103 00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:57,055 Since Eb has been away on his honeymoon, 104 00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,191 he has to do all the work on the farm. 105 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,259 Eb can't be having much of a honeymoon... 106 00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:03,561 if he's doing all the farm work himself. 107 00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:07,499 Eb hasn't been doing any work. Don't you understand? 108 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,735 I'm sorry I lost my temper, Mrs. Douglas. 109 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,170 Oh, well, that's all right. I'm used to it. 110 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:17,241 My husband always loses his temper. He yells at everybody. 111 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,611 - Does he sleep well? - Not too well. 112 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,714 - Is he nervous, cranky, upset? - Yes. 113 00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:24,716 Then you don't have anything to worry about. 114 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,385 He's just blown his top. 115 00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:30,955 - Hank. - Mr. Douglas is just living up to his statistics. 116 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:34,693 - What statistics? - The one published by Kleinfeld University. 117 00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:36,695 They made a study of farmers. 118 00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:38,697 They also made a study of Kleinfeld, 119 00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:41,900 but they didn't publish that. [ Chuckles ] 120 00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:44,035 They found out that the average new farmer... 121 00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:48,540 falls apart at the rate of 2.35 farmers every 21 months. 122 00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:50,742 How long has Mr. Douglas been a farmer? 123 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:53,111 - Two years. - [ Mumbling ] 124 00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:56,848 That's 24 months. That means he's three months overdue. 125 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,150 What are you talking about, Hank? 126 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,519 Mr. Douglas is just a little tired. 127 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,655 You can't fly in the face of statistics, Sam. 128 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,090 Boy, most people don't realize the strain on a farmer. 129 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,092 I don't know what to do for him. 130 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,595 Why don't you try to get him away for a vacation? 131 00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,297 He doesn't want to leave the farm. 132 00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:14,499 Hey, why don't you take him on a picnic? 133 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:17,936 I used to go on a lot of picnics when things got rough around here. 134 00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:22,339 You mean a picnic with ants and sunburn and poison ivy? 135 00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:25,142 Yeah, and don't forget the potato salad. 136 00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:29,214 I can't find a blanket. 137 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,349 What do you need it for? It's not cold. 138 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:34,319 You can't have a picnic without a blanket. 139 00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:37,021 - Who's going on a picnic? - We are. 140 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,223 You need to take a day off. 141 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,193 - Who said so? - Kleinfeld University. 142 00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:45,296 You have a bad statistics. A bad stat-- 143 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:48,833 According to them, you should have flipped your wig three months ago. 144 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:52,637 How do they know when I'm supposed to flip my wig? 145 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:56,374 - Well, anyway, we're going. - If you want to go, go ahead. 146 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,710 Darling. 147 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,845 Do you love me? Well, of course I love you. 148 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,847 Well, then prove it. 149 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,483 How does going on a picnic prove that? 150 00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:07,652 I don't know, but why don't you try? 151 00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:10,321 I hate picnics. Well, so do I. 152 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,991 So let's go and have a good time. 153 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:24,335 Then the mama bear said to the papa bear-- 154 00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:28,172 Lisa, you don't have to tell me bedtime stories. 155 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:31,843 I want you to take a little nap. I don't want a nap. 156 00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:34,345 You know, this wasn't a bad idea. 157 00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:38,850 Are you relaxed? Yeah. I'm hungry. 158 00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:41,185 I'll get you lunch. What'd you bring? 159 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:43,220 Champagne. Oh! 160 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,690 What else? Glasses. 161 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,859 No, I mean, what to eat? 162 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:49,861 Uh, well, uh-- 163 00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:55,033 Didn't you make lunch? Of course I made lunch. 164 00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,368 Where is it? 165 00:08:57,436 --> 00:09:00,038 I left it on the kitchen table. 166 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,306 What are we going to eat? 167 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,576 Why don't you catch a sturgeon, 168 00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,644 and then we can have caviar? 169 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,813 There aren't any sturgeon in this lake. 170 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,815 Well, why don't you catch a lobster? 171 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,318 They go very well with champagne. There aren't any lobsters. 172 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,988 Would you like to try for another lake? 173 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,990 Lisa-- 174 00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:21,325 Cool the champagne. Maybe I'll catch a trout. 175 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,595 How do you cool it? Put it in the lake. 176 00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,596 Oh? 177 00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:32,404 - You know, it's really beautiful here. - [ Cork Pops ] 178 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,506 We ought to do this more often. 179 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,008 It's peaceful and-- [ Champagne Pouring ] 180 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,511 What? What are you doing? 181 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:43,147 Putting the champagne in the lake, like you said. 182 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,951 Oliver, one thing. 183 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,353 How do we get the champagne back in the bottle? 184 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,689 I meant put the bottle in the lake. 185 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,992 Oh. 186 00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,430 Sometime you'll have to explain how that works. 187 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,532 Yeah, sometime I'll-- 188 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,134 Why don't you put your suit on? Take a swim. 189 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,369 - What about you? - No, I'll just sit here. 190 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,640 Maybe I can land a drunken trout. 191 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:13,678 - We won't go hungry after all. - What? 192 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:17,315 I said we won't go hungry after all. There are apples here. 193 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:21,886 - What are apple ears? - Uh-- Put your suit on. 194 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,394 Ooh! What you doing on my land, mister? 195 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,563 Your land? 196 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,899 I didn't know this was private property. 197 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,902 Can't you read? Of course I can read, but-- 198 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:45,476 - Wh-Where did that come from? - The Pixley Sign Shop. 199 00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:49,146 - Are you Mr. Hatch? - That's right. 200 00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:52,150 Oh, well-- [ Chuckles ] I'm Oliver Wendell Douglas. 201 00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:55,386 You've got just five minutes to clear off my property. 202 00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:57,388 There's no need to be hostile about it. 203 00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,591 I didn't see your sign. My wife and I were just-- 204 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,126 - That'll be a dollar for the apple. - A dollar? 205 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,128 That's ridiculous. 206 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:07,464 If you don't like the price, you can put 'em back where you got 'em from. 207 00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:11,069 - Now you know I can't put 'em-- - Then that'll be a dollar. 208 00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,104 All right. 209 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,040 There you are. 210 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,042 You're not a very friendly man, are you? 211 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,344 I don't take to strangers sneaking on my property. 212 00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:23,915 - I didn't sneak. - But then what can you expect from city folk? 213 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,583 How do you know I'm from the city? 214 00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:28,786 Who else would be stupid enough to pay a dollar for two apples? 215 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,688 Now look-- 216 00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:33,224 You've got just three minutes to get off my property, 217 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,294 - so don't waste time talking. - [ Oliver ] Oh, oh, oh-- 218 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,063 You got a bite? Yes, yes. How about that? 219 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,538 Easy, man, easy. 220 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,740 Easy. Don't yank it. 221 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,308 Play it carefully. That's it. 222 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,311 Ah! Oh! 223 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,447 Isn't that a beauty? It sure is. 224 00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,916 That'll be four dollars. 225 00:11:57,984 --> 00:12:01,085 What? Four dollars? Wait a minute here. You can't-- 226 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:04,989 This lake is posted. I don't see any-- 227 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,893 Yes, I do. 228 00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:11,029 That'll be four dollars for the fish, 229 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:14,732 and a dollar extra for polluting my water with that cheap champagne. 230 00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,002 Cheap champagne? It cost me $20 a bottle. 231 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,872 Well, then you can afford four dollars for the fish, 232 00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,874 and an extra buck for polluting. 233 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:28,645 - That's highway robbery. - You got one more minute. 234 00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:30,714 Oh, for-- Oliver? 235 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:33,751 Who are you talking to? Mr. Hatch. 236 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:36,220 Who? This gentleman right-- 237 00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,058 What gentleman? 238 00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,060 Well, there was an old man here... 239 00:12:43,129 --> 00:12:45,129 with a white beard and a shotgun. 240 00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,398 Oh? Oh, well. Let's go and take a swim in the lake. 241 00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:49,767 You can't. Can't you read that sign? 242 00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,905 What sign? It was right there. 243 00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:56,374 And there's a "no trespassing" sign-- 244 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,376 That isn't there either. 245 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:02,179 Oliver, have you been lapping the lake? What? 246 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:05,016 You know, straining the champagne out of the water? 247 00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:08,252 Lisa, I tell you, there was a little old man here with a white beard. 248 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,688 I gave him a dollar for two apples. 249 00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,690 Well, where are the apples? 250 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,527 They're-- The-- [ Groans ] 251 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:18,362 The dirty crook. He took 'em back. Oh, it's all right. 252 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,633 We're gonna eat anyway, because I caught a nice-- 253 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,203 No, I didn't. 254 00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,044 Oh. Mornin', Mr. Douglas. Morning. 255 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,379 How was the picnic? Oh, well, it, uh-- 256 00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:38,883 Best thing for them jangled nerves of yours. 257 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:41,385 - Where'd you go? - Crawford Lake. 258 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:45,256 - Beautiful spot. - Yeah, it was till Mr. Hatch showed up. 259 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:48,760 - Who? - Ira Hatch, the man who owns the place. He ordered us off. 260 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,463 - Ira Hatch did? - Yes, that's right. 261 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,799 Ira Hatch himself? 262 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:58,069 Yes. Little man with a white beard. 263 00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:00,404 - About this long? - That's right. 264 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:05,176 - Well, I'll be a perfumed polecat. - What's wrong? 265 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,511 Well, nothing, except it couldn't have been Ira Hatch. 266 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,580 He passed away 20 years ago. 267 00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,249 Oh. Well, maybe it was one of his relatives. 268 00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:14,485 He ain't got no relatives. 269 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,455 - But he couldn't be dead. - Oh, yes, he could. 270 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,624 I personally attended his funeral. 271 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:23,360 - You sure? - I don't know what you do in New York, 272 00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,697 but around here we don't give a man a funeral... 273 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,666 unless we're pretty sure he needs one. 274 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,435 But I tell you, I-I saw him. 275 00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,871 Are you positive? Yes. 276 00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:37,875 Then I wanna thank you for making me the lucky winner. 277 00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:42,146 - Winner? - Of the "Oliver Douglas crack-up pool." 278 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,716 - Crack-up-- - I had you down for this month, 279 00:14:45,784 --> 00:14:49,786 and I'll be darned if you didn't flip right on the nose. 280 00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:51,889 Now look here-- I have not cracked up, 281 00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:54,458 and I resent this pool of yours. 282 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:59,330 When you moved here we all figured it'd just be a matter of time. 283 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,365 You got nothing to be ashamed of, Mr. Douglas. 284 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,867 You lasted longer than most people figured. 285 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,171 How much do I win, Sam? 286 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,641 Now hold on, Haney. You ain't won this pool yet. 287 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,643 Well, thank you, Mr. Ziffel, 288 00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,645 for that one vote of confidence. 289 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,714 The rules say you must get a doctor's verdict... 290 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,816 before the winner can be declared, 291 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,885 and I say we go by the rules. 292 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,187 In a cut-and-dried case like this, 293 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,756 you don't need a medical opinion. 294 00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,758 Will you listen to me? 295 00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:30,361 I tell you, I saw and I spoke to Mr. Hatch-- 296 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,363 just like I'm speaking to you. 297 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,531 I even gave him a dollar for two apples I picked. 298 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,236 - You give him a dollar for two apples? - Yes. 299 00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:41,372 Well, I guess we don't need a doctor's verdict after all. 300 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,541 Give Haney the money, Sam. 301 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:48,012 Mr. Ziffel, I'm getting a little annoyed with all of this. 302 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,715 You're getting annoyed? How about me? 303 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:55,553 If you'd a-lasted one more month, I would have won the pool. 304 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,555 Look, I'll show you. 305 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,558 Now you come with me. I'll drive you out to the lake. 306 00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:07,165 Now, there's the spot where we were gonna have our picnic. 307 00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,300 My wife opened a bottle of champagne. 308 00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,668 Champagne? Give him back the money, Haney. 309 00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,105 He didn't crack up. He was stoned. 310 00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:17,874 - I was not stoned. - Then you did crack up? 311 00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:19,910 I didn't crack up. 312 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,947 - Calm down, Mr. Douglas. - I'm sorry. 313 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,983 Now after you got stoned, what happened? 314 00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:28,552 I didn't-- 315 00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:32,523 Look. My wife forgot the lunch, 316 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:35,059 so I walked up here to look at this apple tree. 317 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:39,864 Mr. Douglas, are you sure this is the same apple tree? 318 00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:41,866 Well, of course it is. 319 00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:45,469 See there? He carved his initials on it. 320 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,772 I know there's no apple tree here, but there was one yesterday. 321 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,874 Well, maybe old Ira took it away with him. 322 00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:56,280 Yeah, he was a great one for carrying apple trees around with him. 323 00:16:56,349 --> 00:17:00,651 Mr. Douglas, are you sure this is the same spot that you were yesterday? 324 00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:04,622 I'm positive. Ira Hatch was standing right where you are. 325 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,524 Is he there now? 326 00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:10,093 Of course not. You don't see him, do you? 327 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,096 Well, no, but I thought maybe you did. 328 00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,632 Look, I know I sound crazy, 329 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,834 but yesterday Ira Hatch was standing right here. 330 00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,936 I saw him. The apple tree was there. 331 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:21,005 There was a "no fishing" sign down there. 332 00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,040 There was a "no trespassing" sign up here. 333 00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:25,810 - Sure there was. - Now don't humor me. 334 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:29,847 Well, why don't we all go back to town and talk it over. 335 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,988 Mr. Hatch! 336 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:41,559 Still don't believe in signs, do you? 337 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:44,195 That wasn't there two seconds ago. 338 00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:46,797 Mr. "Zucker!" Mr. "Driffel!" 339 00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:48,866 Mr. "Hooney!" 340 00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,137 Mr. Douglas! What's the matter? 341 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,139 It was him. It was him. I saw him. 342 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,708 I-Ira Hitch! [ Laughing ] Hutch! Hooch! Hooch! 343 00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,411 Hooch? You been hitting that stuff again? 344 00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:02,814 No! I really-- He knocked me down. 345 00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,816 Oh, there's nobody here, Mr. Douglas. 346 00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:07,651 You must have tripped over something. I s-- 347 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,821 [ Sighs ] 348 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,823 Yeah, that's right. 349 00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:14,158 I tripped over something. Come on. 350 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,660 Let's all go back to town. 351 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:29,006 [ Ringing ] Hello? 352 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,509 Oh, hello, Mother. This is Lisa. 353 00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:33,577 Lisa! 354 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,946 How nice of you to call, dear. 355 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:38,849 That son of mine would never pick up a phone to find out how I am. 356 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,452 I could be lying in the gutter. 357 00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,654 Mother, Mother, this isn't a social call. 358 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:45,756 It's about Oliver. 359 00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:50,194 You're going to divorce him? Oh, Lisa, that's the smartest thing you've ever done. 360 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,196 No, Mother. 361 00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,265 Oliver isn't feeling well. 362 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:57,434 Oh? What's wrong with my boy? 363 00:18:57,503 --> 00:19:01,105 Well, he's been seeing things which aren't there. 364 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:05,809 - [ Laughing ] Is that all? - Mother, it's serious. 365 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,811 It's hereditary. 366 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,947 His father used to see pink elephants. 367 00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:12,149 He was a liberal Republican. 368 00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:14,318 Oliver sees a little man... 369 00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,320 with a long beard and a shotgun... 370 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:19,055 and a no "trepsassing" sign. 371 00:19:19,124 --> 00:19:21,358 Oh, this is serious. 372 00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:23,494 His father never saw anything like that, 373 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,996 no matter how long a binge he was on. 374 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,999 Oliver hasn't been bingeing. 375 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,502 He's been making this up out of his own head. 376 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:35,639 - Who had this month in the crack-up pool? - What? 377 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:39,777 Don't you worry, Lisa darling. I'll have Dr. Faber fly down immediately. 378 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,779 Is there an airport there? 379 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,015 No, but there is one at the county seat. 380 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:46,517 Then he has to take a bus to Pixley, 381 00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:49,253 and then the Cannonball to "Hootersville." 382 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,255 Oh, Lisa darling. 383 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:54,258 I do wish you've move back to America. 384 00:19:56,930 --> 00:19:59,696 Oh, Dr. Faber. Come in, come in. 385 00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,698 How are you, Lisa? 386 00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,700 Oh, I'm fine, but I'm worried about Oliver. 387 00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,702 You see-- Lisa, I-- 388 00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:09,040 Oh, Dr. Faber. Well, what are you doing here? 389 00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:12,009 He just happened to be in the neighborhood and he dropped in. 390 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:15,212 Lisa, did you call Mother? 391 00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:17,681 Mother who? 392 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,884 Oliver, your mother was worried about you and she asked me to have a look at you. 393 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,787 Why do I need an obstetrician? 394 00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:26,223 Oh, I've kind of given that up. 395 00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:31,162 Too seasonal-- you just work nine months a year. 396 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,163 I've been dabbling in psychiatry. 397 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,700 Well, dabble somewhere else. I don't need a psychiatrist. 398 00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:40,804 Well, then who needs one? The little old man with the white beard? 399 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:43,974 - Tell me about him. - Well, he's a little man and-- 400 00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:45,876 - Did you see him? - No. 401 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:49,080 - Then let Oliver tell me. - There's nothing to tell. 402 00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,582 I saw him out at the lake when we went there on the picnic. 403 00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:53,684 Did anybody else see him? 404 00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:57,521 How could they? He's been dead for 20 years. Oh, I mean-- 405 00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:01,058 - You see what I mean? - Lisa. 406 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,260 - Do you see him now? - Do you? 407 00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:07,197 - I asked you first. - I've only seen him at the lake. 408 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:10,000 Oliver, why don't you sit down? 409 00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:12,002 Don't you want him to lie down on the couch? 410 00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:14,004 Why? Is he tired? 411 00:21:14,072 --> 00:21:18,242 Well, I thought you always have to lie down with a psychiatrist. 412 00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:20,711 Oh, that's only in the National League. 413 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,014 I'm an American League psychiatrist. Now, Oliver-- 414 00:21:24,082 --> 00:21:27,183 - He hates his mother, if that's of any help. - Who doesn't? 415 00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:30,387 Uh, Lisa, why don't you go make some coffee? 416 00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:32,690 Please? All right. 417 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,726 Now, Oliver, why don't you sit down here, 418 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:38,495 and let's see if we can, uh, get to the root of this thing. 419 00:21:38,564 --> 00:21:41,598 Now has anything been bothering you lately? 420 00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:43,767 - Nothing. - How've you been sleeping? 421 00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,303 - Fine. - Any dreams? 422 00:21:46,372 --> 00:21:50,908 - Just the usual. - You mean like Sophia Loren? 423 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:54,812 - Yes. - Did you give up on Faye Wray? 424 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,482 - Look, Doctor-- - You used to have a pretty good sense of humor. 425 00:21:58,551 --> 00:22:02,286 - Well, I've been working hard. - Ever take a day off? 426 00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:04,287 Not since I've been here. 427 00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:08,258 The day we went on the picnic's the first time I've had off in two years. 428 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,428 Was that the first time you saw this little old man with a beard? 429 00:22:11,497 --> 00:22:13,997 Yes, and now I'm sorry I took the day off. 430 00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:17,935 - That'll be $25. - What? 431 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,105 Well, it should be 50, but you've solved your own problem. 432 00:22:21,174 --> 00:22:23,941 - What are you talking about? - What did you just say? 433 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,343 "What are you talking about?" 434 00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:28,745 I mean, what did you just say about the picnic? 435 00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:30,748 That I was sorry I went on it. 436 00:22:30,816 --> 00:22:33,717 In other words, you had a guilt feeling about taking time off... 437 00:22:33,786 --> 00:22:36,019 so your mind created this little old man... 438 00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:37,888 who chased you off his property... 439 00:22:37,956 --> 00:22:40,424 so you'd have to come back to your farm. 440 00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:42,793 I didn't make him up. I saw him. 441 00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:46,329 When you're under a strain, your mind can play strange tricks on you. 442 00:22:46,399 --> 00:22:48,665 Well, maybe, but I did see him. 443 00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:53,036 Well, why don't we drive out to the lake, and maybe I can convince you. 444 00:22:57,977 --> 00:23:00,243 Do you see him? No. 445 00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:03,179 Do you see any signs? No. 446 00:23:03,248 --> 00:23:05,382 Well, how about the apple tree? 447 00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:07,384 It's not there. 448 00:23:07,452 --> 00:23:11,021 In other words, the whole thing was an hallucination. 449 00:23:11,089 --> 00:23:13,356 Well, I-- 450 00:23:13,425 --> 00:23:15,358 No, it isn't. 451 00:23:15,427 --> 00:23:18,695 You're here-- and he never shows up when somebody else is around. 452 00:23:18,764 --> 00:23:21,031 Yesterday, when all the fellas came out here with me, 453 00:23:21,099 --> 00:23:23,700 he didn't show up till they'd gone back to the car. 454 00:23:23,769 --> 00:23:26,904 Why don't I try that? 455 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,341 Mr. Hatch? 456 00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:35,211 Mr. Hatch? 457 00:23:37,115 --> 00:23:39,883 I'm gonna go fishing. 458 00:23:39,952 --> 00:23:41,885 I'm gonna pick some apples. 459 00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:47,858 Well? He didn't show up. 460 00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:50,060 Well, I didn't think he would. 461 00:23:50,128 --> 00:23:53,697 Well, look, Oliver, all you have to do is to take it easy. 462 00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:55,699 Learn to relax. 463 00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:57,901 And don't worry about that farm of yours, 464 00:23:57,970 --> 00:24:02,673 because from what I've seen of it, worry isn't going to help it. 465 00:24:08,246 --> 00:24:10,180 'Board! 466 00:24:10,248 --> 00:24:14,852 [ Lisa ] Thank you, Dr. Faber. Have a good trip. 467 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,720 [ Whistle Blowing ] 468 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:19,189 Darling, are you feeling better? 469 00:24:19,258 --> 00:24:22,526 Oh, much better. That Dr. Faber is a fine psychiatrist. 470 00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:25,529 Then he cured you? He did better than that. 471 00:24:25,598 --> 00:24:27,097 He took my problem with him. 472 00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:14,177 [ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling. 42416

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