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[ Oliver ]♪ Green Acres ♪
2
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♪ Is the place to be ♪
3
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:26,058
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪
4
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:30,162
♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪
5
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:33,899
♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪
6
00:00:33,968 --> 00:00:38,002
[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪
7
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:42,174
♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪
8
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:45,677
♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪
9
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,847
♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪
10
00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:53,385
♪ The chores ♪
11
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,420
♪ The stores ♪
12
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,390
- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪
13
00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:02,828
- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪
14
00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:06,398
[ Together ]♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪
15
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,512
[ Ringing ]
16
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:28,487
- [ Ringing Continues ]
- Oliver.
17
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:31,823
- What?
- Oliver, the phone is ringing.
18
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:35,660
- Well, why don't you answer it?
- What's the use?
It's not for me.
19
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,730
- How do you know?
- Well, it's never for me.
Nobody ever calls me.
20
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,066
I don't have any friends here.
21
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,268
I'm cut off from civilization,
22
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,770
stuck out here
in the last outpost.
23
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,507
- Oh, for--
- [ Ringing Continues ]
24
00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:56,914
If the Monroe brothers
don't fix that door,
I'm going to--
25
00:01:56,983 --> 00:01:58,916
Your phone's ringing.
26
00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:00,918
I know.
Why don't you fix the door?
27
00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:03,555
Why don't you
answer your phone?
Look, Ralph, don't--
28
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:07,359
Look, you take care
of your business,
and we'll take care of ours.
29
00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:09,361
I'll--
[ Ringing Continues ]
30
00:02:09,429 --> 00:02:11,363
[ Groans ]
31
00:02:11,431 --> 00:02:14,199
Why don't you watch
where you're going?
32
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:17,536
Why don't you
answer your phone?
Ooh--
33
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,104
[ Ringing Continues ]
What's bugging him?
34
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:23,007
You'd think he'd never
been hit in the stomach
with a board before.
35
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:26,211
Well, he's been
very edgy lately.
36
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,580
All he does is snarl at me.
37
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,582
Men-- they're all alike.
38
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,052
How would you know?
You're a loser.
Alf, I'm gonna--
39
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,089
- Hello?
- Is this Mr. Douglas?
40
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,258
- Yes, it is.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas?
41
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,061
- That's right. Who's this?
- It's your mother.
42
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:45,230
Mother!
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00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,266
Why, I didn't recognize
your voice. I--
44
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:51,236
No wonder.
When was the last time
you called me?
45
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:54,406
- Well, it was, uh--
- I can't remember either.
46
00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:57,709
- Well, how are you?
- What difference does it make?
47
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,578
Oh, Mother, now stop
feeling sorry for yourself. I--
48
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,115
Hey, what are you doing?
49
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,219
I'm crying,
that's what I'm doing.
50
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:09,421
No, I'm not talking to you.
51
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:12,724
- You never do.
- Oh, for--
52
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,428
Do you have to make that racket?
53
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:20,965
I'm sorry.
I don't have any control
over my arteries.
54
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,602
No, I wasn't talking to you.
55
00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:26,371
You never do!
56
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,373
You said that.
57
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:31,709
Look, Mother,
I can't talk to you now.
I'll call you soon.
58
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,379
That's what you said
when you called me
last Christmas.
59
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,448
Or was it the Christmas before?
60
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:39,251
I promise I-I'll call you soon.
61
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:41,886
Those were
your father's very words--
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00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:46,123
just before he disappeared,
30 years ago.
63
00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:50,161
It's been nice
talking to you, Mother.
Good-bye now.
64
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,198
[ Groans ]
Give me that.
65
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,468
Ow.
66
00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:59,271
- Who was that?
- It was his mother--
67
00:03:59,339 --> 00:04:01,339
and he wasn't
very nice to her.
68
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:05,243
What do you expect from a guy
who bellyaches about getting
hit in the stomach with a board?
69
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:09,013
Now see here.
I've had about enough
of your impertinence.
70
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,851
Either you get to work,
or you get out of here.
Yes, sir.
71
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,420
I am not talking to you.
72
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,791
How long you gonna put up
with that, Mrs. Douglas?
73
00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:23,995
It's really not his fault.
He's been working very hard
on the farm.
74
00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:26,831
Yeah, I guess it ain't
an easy job to mess it up
the way he has.
75
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,034
[ Oliver ]I heard that!
76
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,203
He's got ears
like a beagle.
77
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,638
And he's got a snout
like one too.
78
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:36,040
You two are fired.
79
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,143
Come on, Ralph.
No, I think he meant
me and my brother.
80
00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:41,546
Well, if
there's some doubt,
why don't we ask him?
81
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,716
Out! Out! Out!
82
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:47,386
Oliver, that wasn't
very nice.
83
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:50,555
They had no right--
You're just not
yourself these days.
84
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,025
You're so grouchy.
85
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,027
You ought to
take a vacation.
86
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:58,163
How can I take a vacation
when there's so much work
to do around the farm?
87
00:04:58,232 --> 00:05:00,732
That can wait.
Your health comes first.
88
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,834
Lisa, will you
leave me alone?
89
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,807
We left our lunch
in the bedroom.
90
00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:19,183
What's wrong?
He stole our salami.
91
00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:22,220
Anything else,
Mrs. Douglas?
Yes, I need a salami.
92
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:24,222
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't carry them.
93
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:28,260
Oh, I have to have one.
My husband swiped
Alf and Ralph's.
94
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,396
- He swiped?
- I'm worried about him.
95
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:34,366
I wouldn't worry about him.
A lot of men swipe salamis.
96
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:36,368
Well, not a lot of men.
97
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,870
As a matter of fact,
I think you'll find
more women snatch salamis.
98
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,873
Or is it liverwurst?
No, that's a different color.
99
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,908
Just ignore him.
100
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,945
Mr. Douglas just hasn't
been himself lately.
101
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:50,782
Any idea who he's been?
Maybe we could have a talk
with the other fella.
102
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:55,053
- What's bothering your husband?
- He's been working too hard.
103
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:57,055
Since Eb has been away
on his honeymoon,
104
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,191
he has to do all the work
on the farm.
105
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,259
Eb can't be having
much of a honeymoon...
106
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:03,561
if he's doing
all the farm work himself.
107
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:07,499
Eb hasn't been doing any work.
Don't you understand?
108
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,735
I'm sorry I lost my temper,
Mrs. Douglas.
109
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,170
Oh, well,
that's all right.
I'm used to it.
110
00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:17,241
My husband always
loses his temper.
He yells at everybody.
111
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,611
- Does he sleep well?
- Not too well.
112
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,714
- Is he nervous, cranky, upset?
- Yes.
113
00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:24,716
Then you don't have
anything to worry about.
114
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,385
He's just blown his top.
115
00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:30,955
- Hank.
- Mr. Douglas is just
living up to his statistics.
116
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:34,693
- What statistics?
- The one published
by Kleinfeld University.
117
00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:36,695
They made a study
of farmers.
118
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:38,697
They also made a study
of Kleinfeld,
119
00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:41,900
but they didn't publish that.
[ Chuckles ]
120
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:44,035
They found out
that the average new farmer...
121
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:48,540
falls apart at the rate
of 2.35 farmers
every 21 months.
122
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:50,742
How long has Mr. Douglas
been a farmer?
123
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:53,111
- Two years.
- [ Mumbling ]
124
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:56,848
That's 24 months.
That means he's
three months overdue.
125
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,150
What are you
talking about, Hank?
126
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,519
Mr. Douglas is just
a little tired.
127
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,655
You can't fly in the face
of statistics, Sam.
128
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,090
Boy, most people don't realize
the strain on a farmer.
129
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,092
I don't know
what to do for him.
130
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,595
Why don't you try
to get him away
for a vacation?
131
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,297
He doesn't want
to leave the farm.
132
00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:14,499
Hey, why don't you
take him on a picnic?
133
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:17,936
I used to go on a lot
of picnics when things
got rough around here.
134
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:22,339
You mean a picnic with ants
and sunburn and poison ivy?
135
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:25,142
Yeah, and don't forget
the potato salad.
136
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:29,214
I can't find
a blanket.
137
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,349
What do you need it for?
It's not cold.
138
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:34,319
You can't have a picnic
without a blanket.
139
00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:37,021
- Who's going on a picnic?
- We are.
140
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,223
You need to take a day off.
141
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,193
- Who said so?
- Kleinfeld University.
142
00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:45,296
You have a bad statistics.
A bad stat--
143
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:48,833
According to them, you should
have flipped your wig
three months ago.
144
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:52,637
How do they know
when I'm supposed
to flip my wig?
145
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:56,374
- Well, anyway, we're going.
- If you want to go, go ahead.
146
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,710
Darling.
147
00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,845
Do you love me?
Well, of course
I love you.
148
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,847
Well, then prove it.
149
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,483
How does going on
a picnic prove that?
150
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:07,652
I don't know,
but why don't you try?
151
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:10,321
I hate picnics.
Well, so do I.
152
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,991
So let's go
and have a good time.
153
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:24,335
Then the mama bear
said to the papa bear--
154
00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:28,172
Lisa, you don't have
to tell me bedtime stories.
155
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:31,843
I want you to take
a little nap.
I don't want a nap.
156
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:34,345
You know, this wasn't
a bad idea.
157
00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:38,850
Are you relaxed?
Yeah. I'm hungry.
158
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:41,185
I'll get you lunch.
What'd you bring?
159
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:43,220
Champagne.
Oh!
160
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,690
What else?
Glasses.
161
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,859
No, I mean,
what to eat?
162
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:49,861
Uh, well, uh--
163
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:55,033
Didn't you make lunch?
Of course I made lunch.
164
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,368
Where is it?
165
00:08:57,436 --> 00:09:00,038
I left it
on the kitchen table.
166
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,306
What are we going to eat?
167
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,576
Why don't you
catch a sturgeon,
168
00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,644
and then
we can have caviar?
169
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,813
There aren't any sturgeon
in this lake.
170
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,815
Well, why don't you
catch a lobster?
171
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,318
They go very well
with champagne.
There aren't any lobsters.
172
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,988
Would you like to try
for another lake?
173
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,990
Lisa--
174
00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:21,325
Cool the champagne.
Maybe I'll catch a trout.
175
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,595
How do you cool it?
Put it in the lake.
176
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,596
Oh?
177
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:32,404
- You know, it's really
beautiful here.
- [ Cork Pops ]
178
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,506
We ought to do this
more often.
179
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,008
It's peaceful and--
[ Champagne Pouring ]
180
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,511
What? What are you doing?
181
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:43,147
Putting the champagne
in the lake,
like you said.
182
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,951
Oliver, one thing.
183
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,353
How do we get the champagne
back in the bottle?
184
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,689
I meant put the bottle
in the lake.
185
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,992
Oh.
186
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,430
Sometime you'll have to
explain how that works.
187
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,532
Yeah, sometime I'll--
188
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,134
Why don't you put your suit on?
Take a swim.
189
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,369
- What about you?
- No, I'll just sit here.
190
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,640
Maybe I can land
a drunken trout.
191
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:13,678
- We won't go hungry after all.
- What?
192
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:17,315
I said we won't
go hungry after all.
There are apples here.
193
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:21,886
- What are apple ears?
- Uh-- Put your suit on.
194
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,394
Ooh!
What you doing
on my land, mister?
195
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,563
Your land?
196
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,899
I didn't know
this was private property.
197
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,902
Can't you read?
Of course I can read,
but--
198
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:45,476
- Wh-Where did that come from?
- The Pixley Sign Shop.
199
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:49,146
- Are you Mr. Hatch?
- That's right.
200
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:52,150
Oh, well--
[ Chuckles ]
I'm Oliver Wendell Douglas.
201
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:55,386
You've got just five minutes
to clear off my property.
202
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:57,388
There's no need
to be hostile about it.
203
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,591
I didn't see your sign.
My wife and I were just--
204
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,126
- That'll be a dollar
for the apple.
- A dollar?
205
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,128
That's ridiculous.
206
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:07,464
If you don't like the price,
you can put 'em back
where you got 'em from.
207
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:11,069
- Now you know
I can't put 'em--
- Then that'll be a dollar.
208
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,104
All right.
209
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,040
There you are.
210
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,042
You're not a very
friendly man, are you?
211
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,344
I don't take to strangers
sneaking on my property.
212
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:23,915
- I didn't sneak.
- But then what can you expect
from city folk?
213
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,583
How do you know
I'm from the city?
214
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:28,786
Who else would be stupid enough
to pay a dollar for two apples?
215
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,688
Now look--
216
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:33,224
You've got
just three minutes
to get off my property,
217
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,294
- so don't waste time talking.
- [ Oliver ] Oh, oh, oh--
218
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,063
You got a bite?
Yes, yes.
How about that?
219
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,538
Easy, man, easy.
220
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,740
Easy. Don't yank it.
221
00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,308
Play it carefully.
That's it.
222
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,311
Ah!
Oh!
223
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,447
Isn't that a beauty?
It sure is.
224
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,916
That'll be four dollars.
225
00:11:57,984 --> 00:12:01,085
What? Four dollars?
Wait a minute here.
You can't--
226
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:04,989
This lake is posted.
I don't see any--
227
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,893
Yes, I do.
228
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:11,029
That'll be four dollars
for the fish,
229
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:14,732
and a dollar extra
for polluting my water
with that cheap champagne.
230
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,002
Cheap champagne?
It cost me $20 a bottle.
231
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,872
Well, then you can afford
four dollars for the fish,
232
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,874
and an extra buck
for polluting.
233
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:28,645
- That's highway robbery.
- You got one more minute.
234
00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:30,714
Oh, for--
Oliver?
235
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:33,751
Who are you talking to?
Mr. Hatch.
236
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:36,220
Who?
This gentleman right--
237
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,058
What gentleman?
238
00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,060
Well, there was
an old man here...
239
00:12:43,129 --> 00:12:45,129
with a white beard
and a shotgun.
240
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,398
Oh? Oh, well.
Let's go and take
a swim in the lake.
241
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:49,767
You can't.
Can't you read that sign?
242
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,905
What sign?
It was right there.
243
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:56,374
And there's
a "no trespassing" sign--
244
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,376
That isn't there either.
245
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:02,179
Oliver, have you
been lapping the lake?
What?
246
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:05,016
You know, straining
the champagne
out of the water?
247
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:08,252
Lisa, I tell you,
there was a little old man here
with a white beard.
248
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,688
I gave him a dollar
for two apples.
249
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,690
Well, where are
the apples?
250
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,527
They're-- The--
[ Groans ]
251
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:18,362
The dirty crook.
He took 'em back.
Oh, it's all right.
252
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,633
We're gonna eat anyway,
because I caught a nice--
253
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,203
No, I didn't.
254
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,044
Oh. Mornin', Mr. Douglas.
Morning.
255
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,379
How was the picnic?
Oh, well, it, uh--
256
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:38,883
Best thing for them
jangled nerves of yours.
257
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:41,385
- Where'd you go?
- Crawford Lake.
258
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:45,256
- Beautiful spot.
- Yeah, it was till
Mr. Hatch showed up.
259
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:48,760
- Who?
- Ira Hatch, the man who owns
the place. He ordered us off.
260
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,463
- Ira Hatch did?
- Yes, that's right.
261
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,799
Ira Hatch himself?
262
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:58,069
Yes. Little man
with a white beard.
263
00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:00,404
- About this long?
- That's right.
264
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:05,176
- Well, I'll be
a perfumed polecat.
- What's wrong?
265
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,511
Well, nothing, except
it couldn't have been Ira Hatch.
266
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,580
He passed away 20 years ago.
267
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,249
Oh. Well, maybe
it was one of
his relatives.
268
00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:14,485
He ain't got
no relatives.
269
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,455
- But he couldn't be dead.
- Oh, yes, he could.
270
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,624
I personally
attended his funeral.
271
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:23,360
- You sure?
- I don't know what you do
in New York,
272
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,697
but around here we don't
give a man a funeral...
273
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,666
unless we're pretty sure
he needs one.
274
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,435
But I tell you,
I-I saw him.
275
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,871
Are you positive?
Yes.
276
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:37,875
Then I wanna thank you
for making me
the lucky winner.
277
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:42,146
- Winner?
- Of the "Oliver Douglas
crack-up pool."
278
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,716
- Crack-up--
- I had you down
for this month,
279
00:14:45,784 --> 00:14:49,786
and I'll be darned
if you didn't flip
right on the nose.
280
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:51,889
Now look here--
I have not cracked up,
281
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:54,458
and I resent
this pool of yours.
282
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:59,330
When you moved here
we all figured it'd just
be a matter of time.
283
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,365
You got nothing
to be ashamed of, Mr. Douglas.
284
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,867
You lasted longer
than most people figured.
285
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,171
How much
do I win, Sam?
286
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,641
Now hold on, Haney.
You ain't won
this pool yet.
287
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,643
Well, thank you,
Mr. Ziffel,
288
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,645
for that one vote
of confidence.
289
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,714
The rules say you must get
a doctor's verdict...
290
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,816
before the winner
can be declared,
291
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,885
and I say we go by the rules.
292
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,187
In a cut-and-dried case
like this,
293
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,756
you don't need
a medical opinion.
294
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,758
Will you
listen to me?
295
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:30,361
I tell you,
I saw and I spoke
to Mr. Hatch--
296
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,363
just like
I'm speaking to you.
297
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,531
I even gave him a dollar
for two apples I picked.
298
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,236
- You give him a dollar
for two apples?
- Yes.
299
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:41,372
Well, I guess we don't need
a doctor's verdict
after all.
300
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,541
Give Haney the money, Sam.
301
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:48,012
Mr. Ziffel, I'm getting
a little annoyed
with all of this.
302
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,715
You're getting annoyed?
How about me?
303
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:55,553
If you'd a-lasted
one more month,
I would have won the pool.
304
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,555
Look, I'll show you.
305
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,558
Now you come with me.
I'll drive you out
to the lake.
306
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:07,165
Now, there's the spot
where we were gonna
have our picnic.
307
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,300
My wife opened
a bottle of champagne.
308
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,668
Champagne?
Give him back
the money, Haney.
309
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,105
He didn't crack up.
He was stoned.
310
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:17,874
- I was not stoned.
- Then you did crack up?
311
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:19,910
I didn't crack up.
312
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,947
- Calm down, Mr. Douglas.
- I'm sorry.
313
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,983
Now after you got stoned,
what happened?
314
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:28,552
I didn't--
315
00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:32,523
Look. My wife
forgot the lunch,
316
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:35,059
so I walked up here
to look at this apple tree.
317
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:39,864
Mr. Douglas,
are you sure this is
the same apple tree?
318
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:41,866
Well, of course
it is.
319
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:45,469
See there?
He carved
his initials on it.
320
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,772
I know there's
no apple tree here,
but there was one yesterday.
321
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,874
Well, maybe old Ira
took it away with him.
322
00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:56,280
Yeah, he was a great one
for carrying apple trees
around with him.
323
00:16:56,349 --> 00:17:00,651
Mr. Douglas, are you sure
this is the same spot
that you were yesterday?
324
00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:04,622
I'm positive.
Ira Hatch was standing
right where you are.
325
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,524
Is he there now?
326
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:10,093
Of course not.
You don't see him, do you?
327
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,096
Well, no, but I thought
maybe you did.
328
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,632
Look, I know I sound crazy,
329
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,834
but yesterday Ira Hatch
was standing right here.
330
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,936
I saw him.
The apple tree was there.
331
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:21,005
There was a "no fishing" sign
down there.
332
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,040
There was
a "no trespassing" sign up here.
333
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:25,810
- Sure there was.
- Now don't humor me.
334
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:29,847
Well, why don't we all
go back to town
and talk it over.
335
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,988
Mr. Hatch!
336
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:41,559
Still don't believe
in signs, do you?
337
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:44,195
That wasn't there
two seconds ago.
338
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:46,797
Mr. "Zucker!"
Mr. "Driffel!"
339
00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:48,866
Mr. "Hooney!"
340
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,137
Mr. Douglas!
What's the matter?
341
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,139
It was him. It was him.
I saw him.
342
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,708
I-Ira Hitch!
[ Laughing ]
Hutch! Hooch! Hooch!
343
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,411
Hooch?
You been hitting
that stuff again?
344
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:02,814
No! I really--
He knocked me down.
345
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,816
Oh, there's
nobody here,
Mr. Douglas.
346
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:07,651
You must have tripped
over something.
I s--
347
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,821
[ Sighs ]
348
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,823
Yeah, that's right.
349
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:14,158
I tripped
over something.
Come on.
350
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,660
Let's all go
back to town.
351
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:29,006
[ Ringing ]
Hello?
352
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,509
Oh, hello, Mother.
This is Lisa.
353
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:33,577
Lisa!
354
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,946
How nice of you
to call, dear.
355
00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:38,849
That son of mine
would never pick up a phone
to find out how I am.
356
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,452
I could be lying
in the gutter.
357
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,654
Mother, Mother,
this isn't a social call.
358
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:45,756
It's about Oliver.
359
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:50,194
You're going to divorce him?
Oh, Lisa, that's the smartest
thing you've ever done.
360
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,196
No, Mother.
361
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,265
Oliver isn't feeling well.
362
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:57,434
Oh? What's wrong
with my boy?
363
00:18:57,503 --> 00:19:01,105
Well, he's been seeing things
which aren't there.
364
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:05,809
- [ Laughing ]
Is that all?
- Mother, it's serious.
365
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,811
It's hereditary.
366
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,947
His father used
to see pink elephants.
367
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:12,149
He was a liberal Republican.
368
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:14,318
Oliver sees a little man...
369
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,320
with a long beard
and a shotgun...
370
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:19,055
and a no "trepsassing" sign.
371
00:19:19,124 --> 00:19:21,358
Oh, this is serious.
372
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:23,494
His father never saw
anything like that,
373
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,996
no matter how long
a binge he was on.
374
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,999
Oliver hasn't been bingeing.
375
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,502
He's been making this up
out of his own head.
376
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:35,639
- Who had this month
in the crack-up pool?
- What?
377
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:39,777
Don't you worry, Lisa darling.
I'll have Dr. Faber
fly down immediately.
378
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,779
Is there an airport there?
379
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,015
No, but there is one
at the county seat.
380
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:46,517
Then he has to take
a bus to Pixley,
381
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:49,253
and then the Cannonball
to "Hootersville."
382
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,255
Oh, Lisa darling.
383
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:54,258
I do wish you've move back
to America.
384
00:19:56,930 --> 00:19:59,696
Oh, Dr. Faber.
Come in, come in.
385
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,698
How are you, Lisa?
386
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,700
Oh, I'm fine,
but I'm worried
about Oliver.
387
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,702
You see--
Lisa, I--
388
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:09,040
Oh, Dr. Faber.
Well, what are you
doing here?
389
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:12,009
He just happened to be
in the neighborhood
and he dropped in.
390
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:15,212
Lisa, did you call Mother?
391
00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:17,681
Mother who?
392
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,884
Oliver, your mother was worried
about you and she asked me
to have a look at you.
393
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,787
Why do I need an obstetrician?
394
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:26,223
Oh, I've kind of
given that up.
395
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:31,162
Too seasonal--
you just work
nine months a year.
396
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,163
I've been dabbling
in psychiatry.
397
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,700
Well, dabble somewhere else.
I don't need a psychiatrist.
398
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:40,804
Well, then who needs one?
The little old man
with the white beard?
399
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:43,974
- Tell me about him.
- Well, he's a little man and--
400
00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:45,876
- Did you see him?
- No.
401
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:49,080
- Then let Oliver tell me.
- There's nothing to tell.
402
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,582
I saw him out at the lake
when we went there
on the picnic.
403
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:53,684
Did anybody else
see him?
404
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:57,521
How could they?
He's been dead for 20 years.
Oh, I mean--
405
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:01,058
- You see what I mean?
- Lisa.
406
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,260
- Do you see him now?
- Do you?
407
00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:07,197
- I asked you first.
- I've only seen him
at the lake.
408
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:10,000
Oliver, why don't you
sit down?
409
00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:12,002
Don't you want
him to lie down
on the couch?
410
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:14,004
Why?
Is he tired?
411
00:21:14,072 --> 00:21:18,242
Well, I thought you
always have to lie down
with a psychiatrist.
412
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:20,711
Oh, that's only
in the National League.
413
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,014
I'm an American League
psychiatrist.
Now, Oliver--
414
00:21:24,082 --> 00:21:27,183
- He hates his mother,
if that's of any help.
- Who doesn't?
415
00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:30,387
Uh, Lisa, why don't you
go make some coffee?
416
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:32,690
Please?
All right.
417
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,726
Now, Oliver, why don't
you sit down here,
418
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:38,495
and let's see
if we can, uh, get
to the root of this thing.
419
00:21:38,564 --> 00:21:41,598
Now has anything
been bothering you lately?
420
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:43,767
- Nothing.
- How've you been sleeping?
421
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,303
- Fine.
- Any dreams?
422
00:21:46,372 --> 00:21:50,908
- Just the usual.
- You mean like Sophia Loren?
423
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:54,812
- Yes.
- Did you give up on Faye Wray?
424
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,482
- Look, Doctor--
- You used to have
a pretty good sense of humor.
425
00:21:58,551 --> 00:22:02,286
- Well, I've been working hard.
- Ever take a day off?
426
00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:04,287
Not since I've been here.
427
00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:08,258
The day we went on the picnic's
the first time I've had off
in two years.
428
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,428
Was that the first time
you saw this little old man
with a beard?
429
00:22:11,497 --> 00:22:13,997
Yes, and now I'm sorry
I took the day off.
430
00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:17,935
- That'll be $25.
- What?
431
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,105
Well, it should be 50,
but you've solved
your own problem.
432
00:22:21,174 --> 00:22:23,941
- What are you talking about?
- What did you just say?
433
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,343
"What are you talking about?"
434
00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:28,745
I mean, what did you just say
about the picnic?
435
00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:30,748
That I was sorry
I went on it.
436
00:22:30,816 --> 00:22:33,717
In other words,
you had a guilt feeling
about taking time off...
437
00:22:33,786 --> 00:22:36,019
so your mind created
this little old man...
438
00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:37,888
who chased you
off his property...
439
00:22:37,956 --> 00:22:40,424
so you'd have to come back
to your farm.
440
00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:42,793
I didn't make him up.
I saw him.
441
00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:46,329
When you're under a strain,
your mind can play
strange tricks on you.
442
00:22:46,399 --> 00:22:48,665
Well, maybe,
but I did see him.
443
00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:53,036
Well, why don't we
drive out to the lake,
and maybe I can convince you.
444
00:22:57,977 --> 00:23:00,243
Do you see him?
No.
445
00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:03,179
Do you see any signs?
No.
446
00:23:03,248 --> 00:23:05,382
Well, how about
the apple tree?
447
00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:07,384
It's not there.
448
00:23:07,452 --> 00:23:11,021
In other words,
the whole thing
was an hallucination.
449
00:23:11,089 --> 00:23:13,356
Well, I--
450
00:23:13,425 --> 00:23:15,358
No, it isn't.
451
00:23:15,427 --> 00:23:18,695
You're here--
and he never shows up
when somebody else is around.
452
00:23:18,764 --> 00:23:21,031
Yesterday, when all the fellas
came out here with me,
453
00:23:21,099 --> 00:23:23,700
he didn't show up
till they'd gone
back to the car.
454
00:23:23,769 --> 00:23:26,904
Why don't I try that?
455
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,341
Mr. Hatch?
456
00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:35,211
Mr. Hatch?
457
00:23:37,115 --> 00:23:39,883
I'm gonna go fishing.
458
00:23:39,952 --> 00:23:41,885
I'm gonna pick
some apples.
459
00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:47,858
Well?
He didn't show up.
460
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:50,060
Well, I didn't think
he would.
461
00:23:50,128 --> 00:23:53,697
Well, look, Oliver,
all you have to do
is to take it easy.
462
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:55,699
Learn to relax.
463
00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:57,901
And don't worry
about that farm of yours,
464
00:23:57,970 --> 00:24:02,673
because from what
I've seen of it,
worry isn't going to help it.
465
00:24:08,246 --> 00:24:10,180
'Board!
466
00:24:10,248 --> 00:24:14,852
[ Lisa ]
Thank you, Dr. Faber.
Have a good trip.
467
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,720
[ Whistle Blowing ]
468
00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:19,189
Darling, are you
feeling better?
469
00:24:19,258 --> 00:24:22,526
Oh, much better.
That Dr. Faber
is a fine psychiatrist.
470
00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:25,529
Then he cured you?
He did better than that.
471
00:24:25,598 --> 00:24:27,097
He took my problem
with him.
472
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:14,177
[ Lisa ] This has beena Filmways presentation,darling.
42416
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