Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Ringing ]

- [ Ringing Continues ] - Oliver.

- What? - Oliver, the phone is ringing.

- Well, why don't you answer it? - What's the use? It's not for me.

- How do you know? - Well, it's never for me. Nobody ever calls me.

I don't have any friends here.

I'm cut off from civilization,

stuck out here in the last outpost.

- Oh, for-- - [ Ringing Continues ]

If the Monroe brothers don't fix that door, I'm going to--

Your phone's ringing.

I know. Why don't you fix the door?

Why don't you answer your phone? Look, Ralph, don't--

Look, you take care of your business, and we'll take care of ours.

I'll-- [ Ringing Continues ]

[ Groans ]

Why don't you watch where you're going?

Why don't you answer your phone? Ooh--

[ Ringing Continues ] What's bugging him?

You'd think he'd never been hit in the stomach with a board before.

Well, he's been very edgy lately.

All he does is snarl at me.

Men-- they're all alike.

How would you know? You're a loser. Alf, I'm gonna--

- Hello? - Is this Mr. Douglas?

- Yes, it is. - Oliver Wendell Douglas?

- That's right. Who's this? - It's your mother.

Mother!

Why, I didn't recognize your voice. I--

No wonder. When was the last time you called me?

- Well, it was, uh-- - I can't remember either.

- Well, how are you? - What difference does it make?

Oh, Mother, now stop feeling sorry for yourself. I--

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm crying, that's what I'm doing.

No, I'm not talking to you.

- You never do. - Oh, for--

Do you have to make that racket?

I'm sorry. I don't have any control over my arteries.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

You never do!

You said that.

Look, Mother, I can't talk to you now. I'll call you soon.

That's what you said when you called me last Christmas.

Or was it the Christmas before?

I promise I-I'll call you soon.

Those were your father's very words--

just before he disappeared, 30 years ago.

It's been nice talking to you, Mother. Good-bye now.

[ Groans ] Give me that.

Ow.

- Who was that? - It was his mother--

and he wasn't very nice to her.

What do you expect from a guy who bellyaches about getting hit in the stomach with a board?

Now see here. I've had about enough of your impertinence.

Either you get to work, or you get out of here. Yes, sir.

I am not talking to you.

How long you gonna put up with that, Mrs. Douglas?

It's really not his fault. He's been working very hard on the farm.

Yeah, I guess it ain't an easy job to mess it up the way he has.

[ Oliver ] I heard that!

He's got ears like a beagle.

And he's got a snout like one too.

You two are fired.

Come on, Ralph. No, I think he meant me and my brother.

Well, if there's some doubt, why don't we ask him?

Out! Out! Out!

Oliver, that wasn't very nice.

They had no right-- You're just not yourself these days.

You're so grouchy.

You ought to take a vacation.

How can I take a vacation when there's so much work to do around the farm?

That can wait. Your health comes first.

Lisa, will you leave me alone?

We left our lunch in the bedroom.

What's wrong? He stole our salami.

Anything else, Mrs. Douglas? Yes, I need a salami.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't carry them.

Oh, I have to have one. My husband swiped Alf and Ralph's.

- He swiped? - I'm worried about him.

I wouldn't worry about him. A lot of men swipe salamis.

Well, not a lot of men.

As a matter of fact, I think you'll find more women snatch salamis.

Or is it liverwurst? No, that's a different color.

Just ignore him.

Mr. Douglas just hasn't been himself lately.

Any idea who he's been? Maybe we could have a talk with the other fella.

- What's bothering your husband? - He's been working too hard.

Since Eb has been away on his honeymoon,

he has to do all the work on the farm.

Eb can't be having much of a honeymoon...

if he's doing all the farm work himself.

Eb hasn't been doing any work. Don't you understand?

I'm sorry I lost my temper, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, well, that's all right. I'm used to it.

My husband always loses his temper. He yells at everybody.

- Does he sleep well? - Not too well.

- Is he nervous, cranky, upset? - Yes.

Then you don't have anything to worry about.

He's just blown his top.

- Hank. - Mr. Douglas is just living up to his statistics.

- What statistics? - The one published by Kleinfeld University.

They made a study of farmers.

They also made a study of Kleinfeld,

but they didn't publish that. [ Chuckles ]

They found out that the average new farmer...

falls apart at the rate of 2.35 farmers every 21 months.

How long has Mr. Douglas been a farmer?

- Two years. - [ Mumbling ]

That's 24 months. That means he's three months overdue.

What are you talking about, Hank?

Mr. Douglas is just a little tired.

You can't fly in the face of statistics, Sam.

Boy, most people don't realize the strain on a farmer.

I don't know what to do for him.

Why don't you try to get him away for a vacation?

He doesn't want to leave the farm.

Hey, why don't you take him on a picnic?

I used to go on a lot of picnics when things got rough around here.

You mean a picnic with ants and sunburn and poison ivy?

Yeah, and don't forget the potato salad.

I can't find a blanket.

What do you need it for? It's not cold.

You can't have a picnic without a blanket.

- Who's going on a picnic? - We are.

You need to take a day off.

- Who said so? - Kleinfeld University.

You have a bad statistics. A bad stat--

According to them, you should have flipped your wig three months ago.

How do they know when I'm supposed to flip my wig?

- Well, anyway, we're going. - If you want to go, go ahead.

Darling.

Do you love me? Well, of course I love you.

Well, then prove it.

How does going on a picnic prove that?

I don't know, but why don't you try?

I hate picnics. Well, so do I.

So let's go and have a good time.

Then the mama bear said to the papa bear--

Lisa, you don't have to tell me bedtime stories.

I want you to take a little nap. I don't want a nap.

You know, this wasn't a bad idea.

Are you relaxed? Yeah. I'm hungry.

I'll get you lunch. What'd you bring?

Champagne. Oh!

What else? Glasses.

No, I mean, what to eat?

Uh, well, uh--

Didn't you make lunch? Of course I made lunch.

Where is it?

I left it on the kitchen table.

What are we going to eat?

Why don't you catch a sturgeon,

and then we can have caviar?

There aren't any sturgeon in this lake.

Well, why don't you catch a lobster?

They go very well with champagne. There aren't any lobsters.

Would you like to try for another lake?

Lisa--

Cool the champagne. Maybe I'll catch a trout.

How do you cool it? Put it in the lake.

Oh?

- You know, it's really beautiful here. - [ Cork Pops ]

We ought to do this more often.

It's peaceful and-- [ Champagne Pouring ]

What? What are you doing?

Putting the champagne in the lake, like you said.

Oliver, one thing.

How do we get the champagne back in the bottle?

I meant put the bottle in the lake.

Oh.

Sometime you'll have to explain how that works.

Yeah, sometime I'll--

Why don't you put your suit on? Take a swim.

- What about you? - No, I'll just sit here.

Maybe I can land a drunken trout.

- We won't go hungry after all. - What?

I said we won't go hungry after all. There are apples here.

- What are apple ears? - Uh-- Put your suit on.

Ooh! What you doing on my land, mister?

Your land?

I didn't know this was private property.

Can't you read? Of course I can read, but--

- Wh-Where did that come from? - The Pixley Sign Shop.

- Are you Mr. Hatch? - That's right.

Oh, well-- [ Chuckles ] I'm Oliver Wendell Douglas.

You've got just five minutes to clear off my property.

There's no need to be hostile about it.

I didn't see your sign. My wife and I were just--

- That'll be a dollar for the apple. - A dollar?

That's ridiculous.

If you don't like the price, you can put 'em back where you got 'em from.

- Now you know I can't put 'em-- - Then that'll be a dollar.

All right.

There you are.

You're not a very friendly man, are you?

I don't take to strangers sneaking on my property.

- I didn't sneak. - But then what can you expect from city folk?

How do you know I'm from the city?

Who else would be stupid enough to pay a dollar for two apples?

Now look--

You've got just three minutes to get off my property,

- so don't waste time talking. - [ Oliver ] Oh, oh, oh--

You got a bite? Yes, yes. How about that?

Easy, man, easy.

Easy. Don't yank it.

Play it carefully. That's it.

Ah! Oh!

Isn't that a beauty? It sure is.

That'll be four dollars.

What? Four dollars? Wait a minute here. You can't--

This lake is posted. I don't see any--

Yes, I do.

That'll be four dollars for the fish,

and a dollar extra for polluting my water with that cheap champagne.

Cheap champagne? It cost me $20 a bottle.

Well, then you can afford four dollars for the fish,

and an extra buck for polluting.

- That's highway robbery. - You got one more minute.

Oh, for-- Oliver?

Who are you talking to? Mr. Hatch.

Who? This gentleman right--

What gentleman?

Well, there was an old man here...

with a white beard and a shotgun.

Oh? Oh, well. Let's go and take a swim in the lake.

You can't. Can't you read that sign?

What sign? It was right there.

And there's a "no trespassing" sign--

That isn't there either.

Oliver, have you been lapping the lake? What?

You know, straining the champagne out of the water?

Lisa, I tell you, there was a little old man here with a white beard.

I gave him a dollar for two apples.

Well, where are the apples?

They're-- The-- [ Groans ]

The dirty crook. He took 'em back. Oh, it's all right.

We're gonna eat anyway, because I caught a nice--

No, I didn't.

Oh. Mornin', Mr. Douglas. Morning.

How was the picnic? Oh, well, it, uh--

Best thing for them jangled nerves of yours.

- Where'd you go? - Crawford Lake.

- Beautiful spot. - Yeah, it was till Mr. Hatch showed up.

- Who? - Ira Hatch, the man who owns the place. He ordered us off.

- Ira Hatch did? - Yes, that's right.

Ira Hatch himself?

Yes. Little man with a white beard.

- About this long? - That's right.

- Well, I'll be a perfumed polecat. - What's wrong?

Well, nothing, except it couldn't have been Ira Hatch.

He passed away 20 years ago.

Oh. Well, maybe it was one of his relatives.

He ain't got no relatives.

- But he couldn't be dead. - Oh, yes, he could.

I personally attended his funeral.

- You sure? - I don't know what you do in New York,

but around here we don't give a man a funeral...

unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

But I tell you, I-I saw him.

Are you positive? Yes.

Then I wanna thank you for making me the lucky winner.

- Winner? - Of the "Oliver Douglas crack-up pool."

- Crack-up-- - I had you down for this month,

and I'll be darned if you didn't flip right on the nose.

Now look here-- I have not cracked up,

and I resent this pool of yours.

When you moved here we all figured it'd just be a matter of time.

You got nothing to be ashamed of, Mr. Douglas.

You lasted longer than most people figured.

How much do I win, Sam?

Now hold on, Haney. You ain't won this pool yet.

Well, thank you, Mr. Ziffel,

for that one vote of confidence.

The rules say you must get a doctor's verdict...

before the winner can be declared,

and I say we go by the rules.

In a cut-and-dried case like this,

you don't need a medical opinion.

Will you listen to me?

I tell you, I saw and I spoke to Mr. Hatch--

just like I'm speaking to you.

I even gave him a dollar for two apples I picked.

- You give him a dollar for two apples? - Yes.

Well, I guess we don't need a doctor's verdict after all.

Give Haney the money, Sam.

Mr. Ziffel, I'm getting a little annoyed with all of this.

You're getting annoyed? How about me?

If you'd a-lasted one more month, I would have won the pool.

Look, I'll show you.

Now you come with me. I'll drive you out to the lake.

Now, there's the spot where we were gonna have our picnic.

My wife opened a bottle of champagne.

Champagne? Give him back the money, Haney.

He didn't crack up. He was stoned.

- I was not stoned. - Then you did crack up?

I didn't crack up.

- Calm down, Mr. Douglas. - I'm sorry.

Now after you got stoned, what happened?

I didn't--

Look. My wife forgot the lunch,

so I walked up here to look at this apple tree.

Mr. Douglas, are you sure this is the same apple tree?

Well, of course it is.

See there? He carved his initials on it.

I know there's no apple tree here, but there was one yesterday.

Well, maybe old Ira took it away with him.

Yeah, he was a great one for carrying apple trees around with him.

Mr. Douglas, are you sure this is the same spot that you were yesterday?

I'm positive. Ira Hatch was standing right where you are.

Is he there now?

Of course not. You don't see him, do you?

Well, no, but I thought maybe you did.

Look, I know I sound crazy,

but yesterday Ira Hatch was standing right here.

I saw him. The apple tree was there.

There was a "no fishing" sign down there.

There was a "no trespassing" sign up here.

- Sure there was. - Now don't humor me.

Well, why don't we all go back to town and talk it over.

Mr. Hatch!

Still don't believe in signs, do you?

That wasn't there two seconds ago.

Mr. "Zucker!" Mr. "Driffel!"

Mr. "Hooney!"

Mr. Douglas! What's the matter?

It was him. It was him. I saw him.

I-Ira Hitch! [ Laughing ] Hutch! Hooch! Hooch!

Hooch? You been hitting that stuff again?

No! I really-- He knocked me down.

Oh, there's nobody here, Mr. Douglas.

You must have tripped over something. I s--

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, that's right.

I tripped over something. Come on.

Let's all go back to town.

[ Ringing ] Hello?

Oh, hello, Mother. This is Lisa.

Lisa!

How nice of you to call, dear.

That son of mine would never pick up a phone to find out how I am.

I could be lying in the gutter.

Mother, Mother, this isn't a social call.

It's about Oliver.

You're going to divorce him? Oh, Lisa, that's the smartest thing you've ever done.

No, Mother.

Oliver isn't feeling well.

Oh? What's wrong with my boy?

Well, he's been seeing things which aren't there.

- [ Laughing ] Is that all? - Mother, it's serious.

It's hereditary.

His father used to see pink elephants.

He was a liberal Republican.

Oliver sees a little man...

with a long beard and a shotgun...

and a no "trepsassing" sign.

Oh, this is serious.

His father never saw anything like that,

no matter how long a binge he was on.

Oliver hasn't been bingeing.

He's been making this up out of his own head.

- Who had this month in the crack-up pool? - What?

Don't you worry, Lisa darling. I'll have Dr. Faber fly down immediately.

Is there an airport there?

No, but there is one at the county seat.

Then he has to take a bus to Pixley,

and then the Cannonball to "Hootersville."

Oh, Lisa darling.

I do wish you've move back to America.

Oh, Dr. Faber. Come in, come in.

How are you, Lisa?

Oh, I'm fine, but I'm worried about Oliver.

You see-- Lisa, I--

Oh, Dr. Faber. Well, what are you doing here?

He just happened to be in the neighborhood and he dropped in.

Lisa, did you call Mother?

Mother who?

Oliver, your mother was worried about you and she asked me to have a look at you.

Why do I need an obstetrician?

Oh, I've kind of given that up.

Too seasonal-- you just work nine months a year.

I've been dabbling in psychiatry.

Well, dabble somewhere else. I don't need a psychiatrist.

Well, then who needs one? The little old man with the white beard?

- Tell me about him. - Well, he's a little man and--

- Did you see him? - No.

- Then let Oliver tell me. - There's nothing to tell.

I saw him out at the lake when we went there on the picnic.

Did anybody else see him?

How could they? He's been dead for 20 years. Oh, I mean--

- You see what I mean? - Lisa.

- Do you see him now? - Do you?

- I asked you first. - I've only seen him at the lake.

Oliver, why don't you sit down?

Don't you want him to lie down on the couch?

Why? Is he tired?

Well, I thought you always have to lie down with a psychiatrist.

Oh, that's only in the National League.

I'm an American League psychiatrist. Now, Oliver--

- He hates his mother, if that's of any help. - Who doesn't?

Uh, Lisa, why don't you go make some coffee?

Please? All right.

Now, Oliver, why don't you sit down here,

and let's see if we can, uh, get to the root of this thing.

Now has anything been bothering you lately?

- Nothing. - How've you been sleeping?

- Fine. - Any dreams?

- Just the usual. - You mean like Sophia Loren?

- Yes. - Did you give up on Faye Wray?

- Look, Doctor-- - You used to have a pretty good sense of humor.

- Well, I've been working hard. - Ever take a day off?

Not since I've been here.

The day we went on the picnic's the first time I've had off in two years.

Was that the first time you saw this little old man with a beard?

Yes, and now I'm sorry I took the day off.

- That'll be $25. - What?

Well, it should be 50, but you've solved your own problem.

- What are you talking about? - What did you just say?

"What are you talking about?"

I mean, what did you just say about the picnic?

That I was sorry I went on it.

In other words, you had a guilt feeling about taking time off...

so your mind created this little old man...

who chased you off his property...

so you'd have to come back to your farm.

I didn't make him up. I saw him.

When you're under a strain, your mind can play strange tricks on you.

Well, maybe, but I did see him.

Well, why don't we drive out to the lake, and maybe I can convince you.

Do you see him? No.

Do you see any signs? No.

Well, how about the apple tree?

It's not there.

In other words, the whole thing was an hallucination.

Well, I--

No, it isn't.

You're here-- and he never shows up when somebody else is around.

Yesterday, when all the fellas came out here with me,

he didn't show up till they'd gone back to the car.

Why don't I try that?

Mr. Hatch?

Mr. Hatch?

I'm gonna go fishing.

I'm gonna pick some apples.

Well? He didn't show up.

Well, I didn't think he would.

Well, look, Oliver, all you have to do is to take it easy.

Learn to relax.

And don't worry about that farm of yours,

because from what I've seen of it, worry isn't going to help it.

'Board!

[ Lisa ] Thank you, Dr. Faber. Have a good trip.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

Darling, are you feeling better?

Oh, much better. That Dr. Faber is a fine psychiatrist.

Then he cured you? He did better than that.

He took my problem with him.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.