Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Horn Honks ]

Afternoon, Mr. Douglas.

How are you, Mr. Haney? Where do you want me to dump this stuff?

Well, you-you-- Wait. I didn't order that.

Correct. It was ordered by the Monroe brothers.

Oh? Well, uh, just a minute.

Alf?

Yes?

Alf, what did you order-- I am Ralph.

All right, you're Ralph. I just want you to know which is which.

I am Ralph, the sister of Alf. It doesn't make any difference.

Well, it does to me. His overalls don't fit me.

All right! What's going on?

Oh, he got us mixed up again. He called me Alf.

Oh, I'm Alf, brother of Ralph.

It's easy to tell us apart. You see-- I know how to tell you apart.

- Well, then why did you call me Alf? - Look, what's all this--

- Do you know who we are now? - Yes, I think so.

- Who are we, baby? - You are two of the most--

Wait! Mr. Haney! What are you unloading that stuff for?

Well, like I said, they ordered it.

What for? Do you wanna tell him, Sam?

No, you tell him, Irving.

Mr. Haney, put that stuff back on the truck.

- Well, they ordered it. - You know why we ordered it?

I really don't care. I've lost interest.

You'll be interested when we tell you.

Tomorrow we are going to finish your bedroom.

What?

Doesn't that warm the cockles of your black little heart?

Oh, yes. You are two of the nicest little cockle warmers I've ever met.

You're sweet.

Are you really serious about finishing the bedroom?

We'll be here first thing tomorrow morning,

tacking up the chicken wire and nailing up the laths.

And by noon, you'll be plastered. [ Laughing ]

Hey, that's pretty good, Brenda. Thank you, Cobina.

Oh, boy.

Do you hear that? They're finally going to finish the bedroom.

I can hardly believe it. Here's your bill.

I can't believe that either. Seven hundred dollars?

Is that all it is? My bookkeeper must have made a mistake.

- She certainly did. - It's a he.

Well, whatever it is, it's ridiculous.

Seven hundred dollars for that!

It does seem cheap, doesn't it?

Well, all there is is some chicken wire and some plaster and some tar paper.

It can't cost more than... $40.

Then why did you get a bill for 700?

Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.

I'll be glad to ask my bookkeeper...

as soon as she gets back from her vacation in Acapulco.

I thought it was a he.

So did I till I had the lights put in the office.

Uh-huh. Well, Mr. Haney, if you want to get paid,

you give me an itemized bill.

There you are.

What the-- Something wrong?

This one's for $900!

That's right. Seven hundred unitemized, 900 itemized.

Itemizing runs high these days.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll give you $40 for the material.

What about the trucking charge?

How much do you think that's worth?

$660.

I'll pay you $10 for the trucking.

Fifty dollars all together.

- Mr. Douglas, I can't-- - Do you want the 50?

Well, I guess I'll have to take it. I'm a little short of cash.

I owe the fella at the lumberyard $12 for this stuff.

Oliver, why do we have to do this tonight?

Because Alf and Ralph promised to be here first thing in the morning.

I don't want to give them any excuse for not starting. Here.

Where should I put these? On the couch.

Where would I find that? In the living room.

Well, what are you going to carry? Clothes.

Do you want me to wait here for you or meet you in the living room?

Meet me. Any special time?

Lisa, take those into the living room...

and then come back and get some more.

I never saw so many dresses in my life. How many have you got?

There is no sense in counting them.

They're all out of style. What's wrong with them?

Well, all women wear their dresses shorter this year.

Well, did it ever occur to you that they might be wearing their legs longer?

Well, whatever it is, they're out of style,

and I will have to buy a whole new wardrobe.

Couldn't you just have the bottoms cut off?

And then what am I going to do next year when they get longer?

Do I paste the bottoms back on?

Lisa, come on. We gotta get the rest of the dresses.

Just think-- By tomorrow night at this time, the bedroom will be finished.

Then what? Oh, then we'll work on the living room.

Then what? The kitchen.

Then what? Will you stop saying "then what."

How about "what then"? Is that better. Yes, much better.

I don't see why, because "what then" means the same as "then what" but backwards.

Well, somehow backwards fits you better.

- [ Knocking ] - Mr. Douglas!

[ Knocking Continues ] Oliver, wake up.

Mr. Douglas! [ Muttering ]

The Monroe brothers are here.

Oh, fine, fine. I didn't think--

Mr. Douglas! 3:00!

Well, you said they were going to get an early start.

Yeah, but I didn't think they'd come in the middle of the night.

Wake up! Wake up, Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, wake up!

Take it easy. I'm coming.

- Ooh! Watch where you're going! - Close the door.

It's 3:00! What are you doing here so early?

I ran away from home. What?

I need asylum.

There's one in Pixley. I'll give you a reference if you need one.

What's the matter, Ralph?

[ Sobbing ] Oh, Mrs. Douglas! There, there.

Good night. Where are you going?

I'm going to bed. It's 3:00.

- What about Ralph? - Oh, good night, Ralph.

[ Sobbing Continues ] Now you did it!

Ralph, will you stop blubbering. What's wrong?

Alf. We had a big fight, and he threw me out of the house and told me never to come home.

Well, good night. [ Shrieks ]

How can you be so cruel? Why did you come here?

I couldn't think of any other place to go.

Oh? Well, I'll give you some addresses.

You did the right thing to come here.

- Why was she right? - Because we are her friends.

And what are friends for except to come to...

when your brother throws you out at 3:00 in the morning?

Oh, please, can't I stay here? Of course you can.

- Now, wait a-- - What was the fight about?

Alf accused me of letting his saw get rusty.

Is that all you were fighting about?

That was just the beginning.

He made remarks about how homely I am...

and how I cheat at Indian wrestling.

But when he said that he'd look better in a miniskirt than I do,

I belted him one!

You mean, you hit him with--

His eye. You should see it. It's a beaut.

Oh, boy.

You did the right thing. Any brother who wants to wear a miniskirt isn't worth having.

Look, why don't you go home and make up. I'm sure--

I'm never going home again! I brought my nightie.

Good. Good.

All right. Eb's away. You can have his room over the barn.

Oh, I'd be scared to sleep in the barn. Then you can sleep with me.

And where am I supposed to sleep?

- You can sleep in the barn. - Nothing doing.

So you're scared to sleep out there too.

Well, you can sleep on the couch.

Oh, thanks.

Would you clear it off, please.

No! You can--

[ Loud Snoring ]

Ralph! Ralph!

Stop snoring!

[ Snoring Continues ]

What the--

You touch me, and I'll let you have it!

Shh! I never thought you were the type.

Your wife sleeping in the other room-- No, no, no, no.

I was just trying to wake you up. You were snoring.

Oh. Oh, well, all you had to do was turn me over on my stomach and pat my back.

Turn yourself over on your stomach and pat your own back. Good night.

[ Loud Snoring ]

[ Glass Rattling ]

Oh, for--

[ Door Crashes ]

Morning, Mr. Douglas. I'm ready to go to work.

Good. Good.

It may take me a few days longer than I planned.

I'm no longer the Monroe Brothers.

I'm just plain Alf Monroe, solo carpenter.

- Yes, I-- - Me and Ralph had a fight. But I don't need her.

I was always the brains of the outfit anyway.

If you were the brains, that explains how we get stuck with these crummy jobs.

What are you doing here in your bathrobe?

- I spent the night here. - Well, how brazen can you get?

Oh, now, look here. She--

Mom was right. You've got the instincts of a hippie.

- Do you want another shiner? - That's it. Resort to violence.

What's all the yelling about?

Do you know what's been going on between my brother and your husband?

What? Nothing.

Ralph, will you please go to the other room? Gladly.

- Alf, you start working on-- - Not me. I won't work anyplace where she's living.

She's not living here. She just spent the night here.

Well, when you get rid of her-- Alf, will you--

Well, now you did it. I didn't do anything.

That's what we get for taking her in.

She wakes us up at 3:00 in the morning and snores the rest of the night.

She's got adenoids like a stevedore.

If you were my houseguest, I wouldn't knock your adenoids.

You are not our houseguest. Well, then, what is she?

Let's not go into that.

Uh, Ralph, if you want to stay here, you're gonna have to work on the bedroom.

Not me. I wouldn't touch anything he's touched.

Of all the-- What did you expect her to say?

If you and I split up, would you do the bedroom?

What's that got to do with-- Look, Lisa, she is not gonna stay here.

Oliver, you're mean. I am not.

Now, if you want here to stay here, you talk her into going to work, okay?

Okay. What do you think you're doing? I'm gonna get dressed.

Not in front of me. I am a married woman.

Good morning, Mr. Drucker. Morning, Mr. Douglas.

I'll be right with you as soon as I'm finished filling this order for Arnold.

- Arnold? - [ Squealing ]

Arnold's doing the shopping for Fred while Doris is away.

Now, let's see. We got beans, spaghetti, loaf of bread.

That's all Fred has on his list.

- [ Grunting ] - Oh, I didn't even see that.

Box of pig biscuits. Uh, they're right over there on the bottom shelf.

- Pig biscuits? - They're really dog biscuits,

but he don't know the difference.

Any one you want, Arnold.

Would you give this to Arnold?

[ Sam ] Now, go right on home.

Don't stop to play baseball with any of the other kids.

You know, Fred don't even miss Doris.

It's amazing how that pig has taken her place.

Yes. Yes. Well, I--

Say, guess who I just talked to?

Who? No, that wasn't his name. Let's see. It was, uh--

Oh, for the love of Mike.

I had it right on the tip of my tongue.

Got a mirror? Maybe I could read it.

Mr. Kimball--

- Well, whoever it was, guess what happened. - Forget it.

A man has a fight with his brother, and you want me to forget it?

Are you talking about Alf and Ralph?

No, I was talking about Carl and Milton.

- Carl and Milton? - Two of the best plumbers in the county.

Well, not the best but the cheapest.

I didn't know anything about Alf and Ralph.

- What did they have a fight about? - Oh, I don't know.

Some silly thing about Ralph letting Alf's saw get all rusty.

Do you know what Milton did to Carl?

She soldered his finger into a U-joint.

Yeah, there's a lot of unrest in the labor ranks today.

How bad a fight did they have?

Well, when Carl couldn't get his finger-- I'm talking to Mr. Douglas.

- Who? - Uh, what I came in for was to ask you...

if you knew anybody who might plaster my bedroom.

Say, I know a great team of plasterers.

Charlie and Lou.

Well, they're not a team anymore,

ever since Charlie plastered Lou into the wall.

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas. I don't know anybody.

Couldn't you get either Alf or Ralph to do it by themselves?

Oh, no, no. Ralph won't do it alone, and Alf--

I got an idea.

Why don't you team up Alf or Ralph with either Carl or Milton?

No, Milton's gonna team up with Charlie,

and Carl's gonna team up with Lou.

Or was Lou gonna team up with Milton?

No, it couldn't have been Lou because he's still plastered in the wall.

That leaves Carl. Well, if Alf or Ralph wouldn't mind working...

with a fellow who's got his finger soldered in a U-joint.

Look, don't strain your little, uh--

Whatever it is you have up there. I'll work it out.

Good-bye.

Sam, you don't know what a warm feeling it gives me...

to know that I've helped somebody out.

Bonjour, monsieur.

What are you dressed up for?

I'm the maid. The maid? Lisa!

Lisa?

Don't you want to give me your hat?

Lisa! What's the matter?

Would you mind explaining this to me?

Well, you said she had to work if she was going to stay here,

and she didn't want to be a carpenter, so I made her a maid.

We don't need-- That's Yvette's old uniform.

Yvette? Remember the French maid we used to have in New York?

The one you used to chase around the penthouse.

I never chased her around the penthouse.

What did you chase her around?

Would you mind taking that thing off? You look ridiculous!

Let me handle this.

Why don't you go and find something to do. Yes, go dust the bedroom.

Where do I find the dust?

Out!

No wonder we can't keep a maid-- the way you holler.

She is not a maid.

Why don't you chase her around and see?

Lisa, the girl is not a maid. She's a--

Well, whatever she is, let her be it somewhere else.

You said to put her to work, and that's what I did.

I meant let her plaster the bedroom.

She doesn't want to do that. It reminds her of Alf.

Why doesn't she make up with him? Apologize?

Why should she apologize? She's the one who hit him.

- Well, suppose he apologized? - He wouldn't do that.

He might. I'll be back in time for dinner.

Me apologize to her? Why not?

She should apologize to me. I'm the one that got the black eye.

- She's sorry about that. - Did she say so?

Well, no, but she looked sorry.

Well, she always looks sorry. She's the sorriest-looking--

Alf, she's your sister. She's family.

And the family that sticks together is the family that's stuck together. I mean--

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas. You're just wasting your time. I'm not going to apologize.

Look, suppose she came over and apologized to you?

- Oh, she wouldn't. - She might.

Let me see what I can do.

I don't know why she should go over there and apologize to him.

I don't care who apologizes to who,

as long as they get together and finish the bedroom.

Well, she's not going to do it.

She's going to do it, or out she goes.

Is that what you're going to tell her?

That's what I'm gonna tell her.

Now where is she? In the kitchen.

Ralph?

Didn't anybody ever tell you to knock before you come into a room?

This is my house. I don't have to knock.

Why don't you show a little class?

Yes, why don't you? Lisa, will you stay out of this.

- Don't yell at the madam. - Look, Ralph, I--

- Ralph, I want to talk to you. - What about?

[ Sniffs ] What's that?

[ Sniffs ] Bay rum. It keeps me dainty.

No, no, not that. Something's cooking.

Oh, what I'm making for supper.

Roast duck.

[ Oliver ] Roast duck?

What did you want to tell me?

- Well-- - Yes, tell her.

Well, uh, uh--

Why don't we talk about it after dinner?

Roast duck!

Want some more candied yams?

Oh, no. No, thanks. I'm full.

You sure can pack it away.

Well, it's the first decent meal I've had in--

Uh, first decent duck meal I've had.

You finished? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did you want to talk about? Talk about?

Yes. Remember, you said after dinner.

Oh, yes, after dinner.

Well, I wanted to talk to you about--

What are you gonna make for dinner tomorrow night?

That's not what you wanted to say to her. You wanted to say to her that she--

Lisa, please. I know what I was gonna say to her.

- Have you got any ideas for a menu? - Well, what would you like?

- He would like you to go over and apologize-- - Lisa, stay out of this!

You yell at the madam once more, and you don't get anything.

Oh, uh, I apologize.

- I thought that's what you wanted her to do-- - Lisa!

Ralph, honey,

do you know how to make lobster Newburg?

You get the lobster; I'll Newburg it.

Oh, boy! How about pot roast?

One of my specialties. Do you like rack of lamb?

How about some roast beef? Anytime.

Oh-- [ Knocking ]

Hey, where are you going? To answer the door.

Oh, no, no, no. You stay here.

You keep cooking.

The madam will answer it.

Oliver! I'll answer it.

[ Singsongy ] Oh, it's a lobster Newburg, rack of lamb.

Pot roast and gravy, sugar-cured ham.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

Evening, Mr. Douglas. Well, Alf, how are you?

Ralph here? You'll be happy to know I've come over to apologize to her.

Oh, that's very ni-- No, no, it isn't. Here.

What's the idea? Did you say you wanted to apologize?

Yeah. Where did you get a stupid idea like that?

From you. Didn't you tell me to apologize?

Well, yes, but that was before Ralph said those things about you.

- What things? - Oh, I don't wanna repeat them.

My wife gets angry when I use that kind of language.

Ralph doesn't know what those words mean.

- She used them all correctly. - Well, can I talk to her?

Not right now. She's busy pouring syrup in your tool chest.

Why don't you come back in about six months.

Maybe you can patch things up then. I wanna talk to her.

Oh, that's the worst thing you could do.

The worst thing I could do is stay mad at her.

You don't know what it's like to do your own cooking.

- Oh, does Ralph cook? - Like a French chef.

Darling, would you like to have some-- Oh, hello, Alf.

- Hello, Mrs. Douglas. - Won't you come in.

- Oh, no, he hasn't got time. - Yes, I have!

Where's Ralph? Wait a second.

She's in the kitchen. The bedroom. Why don't you go in there and start plastering.

She isn't in the bedroom. She's in the kitchen.

He doesn't want to see her. No, you don't. Oh, yes, I do.

Ralph! Yes, madam? What-- Alf.

- Who-Who are you? - I'm your brother.

Alf, what are you doing here? I came over to--

No, he didn't. Yes, I did.

Ralph, I'm sorry. I apologize.

Do you hear that? He's sorry he apologized. Huh?

Now, you get out of here, and don't you bother your sister anymore.

- Alf, are you really sorry? - Yes, I am.

- No, he isn't. - Yes, I am.

Oh, Alf.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Come on home, Ralph. Mom will be happy to see you.

Well, you'll come back tomorrow, won't you, and finish the bedroom?

No. Why not?

Every time we work on that bedroom, it's bad luck.

Oh, for the love of--

The best cook we ever had.

Do you realize she was gonna make me lobster Newburg,

rack of lamb, pot roast.

If food means that much to you, maybe you better find somebody else.

What? Well, when you married me, you knew I couldn't cook,

I couldn't sew and I couldn't keep house.

All I could do was talk Hungarian...

and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Who? So if you've changed your mind, I don't blame you.

I'll be packed and out of here by tomorrow morning.

I'll go back to New York and get a job.

Doing what?

Well, I still have my card in the Budapest Plasterers Union.

You mean you know how to plaster?

You bet your sweet trowel I do.

Would you care to step into the bedroom?

I beg your pardon?

We'll do a little plastering.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.