Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting Continues ]

Hello there.

You ought to use a different complexion cream.

Your skin is very oily.

Get me something to wipe this off with.

Here. What happened?

I was trying to tighten the bolt and it broke off, and--

This is my sweater!

It was the only thing that was handy.

Couldn't you have found something else?

Well, I could have used my petticoat, but I'm not wearing any.

You see, this dress doesn't need one.

I'm not interested in your dress.

Well, you should be. It cost you $300. Three hundred?

It would have cost you more with a petticoat, but I don't--

This is the last straw.

I'm gonna take this stupid tractor back to Haney and get my money back.

You ought to get your money back for some of the other things he sold you.

I intend to.

[ Cranking ]

[ Whistling ]

Take cover!

[ Whistling Continues ]

[ Explosion ] Ooh!

What the--

It's okay, Lisa. Nothing happened.

[ Ratcheting ]

Oh, that miserable Haney!

And the wheels fell off. The radiator came apart and the engine fell out,

and whatever was left collapsed.

Outside of that, Mr. Douglas, how is the tractor running?

It's not running. Did you check to see if there's any gas in it?

Mr. Haney, you don't seem to understand.

The tractor is ruined. It's nothing but a pile of nuts and bolts.

And you'd like to buy a repair kit.

Well, I've got a fine three-dollar repair kit.

I don't want a repair kit. I want my money back.

I can't give you your money back...

'less you have a legitimate complaint.

I told you my complaint.

It has to be in writing. In writing?

Now, what we need is complaint form number G-654321.

[ Blows ]

[ Choking ] I just want my money back. I don't want to fill out a form.

Mr. Douglas, are you familiar with the state retail code, section 12, paragraph 4?

No, I'm not.

Be glad to sell you a copy of the code for six dollars.

Mr. Haney-- It has to be filled out in six-triplicate.

That's double triplicate.

That's, uh, one copy for you,

one copy for me,

one copy for the state,

one copy for the county,

one copy for the Fair Trade Commission...

and the last copy to see if the carbon will make that many copies.

- Look, I-- - Now then, Mr. Douglas,

what seems to be your trouble?

The tractor you sold me-- I want my money back.

- Would you be satisfied if I replaced it? - Yes.

In that case, we're using the wrong form.

What we need...

is replacement form number G-271532.

Oh, for--

Now, your name, please?

Mr. Haney-- "Haney."

First name?

I've had about enough.

"I've had about enough."

Middle initial?

Just when did the tractor break down?

- This morning. - Oh, well.

We gonna need daylight form number 654 G-27.

And it looks like we're in trouble,

because we're all out of daylight forms.

Mr. Haney,

obviously I'm not going to get any satisfaction from you.

I'm going to have to sue.

I don't believe you can sue a man...

just because he's out of daylight forms.

There must be something on the books...

that'll take care of a charlatan like you.

Well, that's gratitude for you--

forgetting that I was the one...

that sold him that beautiful farm at such a low price.

What are you going to sue him for?

There's nothing I can sue him for.

- What about the tractor? - It's too late.

How can I make a case out of it after I've used the tractor for two years?

What about the farm, and this house he sold us?

If you can't make a case out of that,

you better turn in the sharkskin you got at the law school.

It's a sheepskin.

Weren't your marks good enough to get a sharkskin?

They don't-- [ Knocking ]

Would you answer that door?

If you had studied harder, instead of running around with that little blonde--

That blonde was you.

Oh, you almost flunked out there too.

[ Knocking ]

- Answer the door. - Hmm.

Yes?

Is Mr. Haney around? Around what?

- I mean, is he home? - I don't know.

- Are you Mrs. Haney? - No.

- Well, is he here? - Well, that's a pretty fresh question.

If I am not Mrs. Haney, what would he be doing here?

I didn't mean--

Could you tell me where I could find him?

Yes, I could. Bye.

[ Knocking ]

Hello there. Did you find him?

Well, no. You forgot to tell me where to look for him.

- Look for who? - Mr. Haney.

Oh. Well, he lives about three miles up the road.

State Division of Highways? That's right.

Well, what can I do for you, Mr. Farley?

According to our information, you're the last owner of record of that property...

about three miles down the road-- is that right?

- What you wanna know for? - Well, as you probably heard,

the state is building a cross-state highway,

and that particular piece of property...

might be an ideal spot for an interchange.

You mean you wanna concrete up that beautiful piece of farmland?

Naturally, we'd be willing to compensate you for it.

- How much did you figure? - I'm sure we'll be able to arrive at a fair price.

- Oh, I'm sure we will. - By the way, I just stopped by there--

- You didn't say nothing about the highway, did you? - No.

Good, 'cause I wouldn't want to upset...

them two sharecroppers I'm letting live there.

- Sharecroppers? - Yeah.

Ain't it a sin, the way they've let that place run down?

The woman didn't look like a sharecropper.

- She had a diamond as big as-- - That's why they're sharecroppers.

She spent all her husband's money on frivolities.

Well, if we do come to some kind of arrangement,

you realize you'll have to evict them.

Well, that won't be easy. They've become pretty attached to the place.

But since it's in the interest of progress--

Well, I'll check back with you in about a week. Good day.

That'll be fine.

I'm sure that by then I'll have found a way to ace them--

Er, to ease them out of there.

Ah, Mr. Douglas. [ Laughs ]

Mr. Haney, get off of my property. Now, Mr. Douglas.

You've got a nerve, coming over here.

Well, I come over about the tractor that I sold you,

but I see I'm too late--

You've bought a new one.

New one? This is the mess you sold me.

It is? And you're not happy with it?

Obviously not.

Well, some people are never happy with nothing,

but that's your problem.

My problem is to make amends for the wrong I've done you.

The wrong you've done me?

Yes, Mr. Douglas, and they have been many.

- They certainly have. - You ain't making this any easier on me.

- Not making what easier? - My change of heart.

Mr. Douglas, I've finally seen the light.

While the light's still good, take a look at this tractor.

Well now, that's exactly why I'm here.

I'm gonna give you back your money for it--

- Exactly what you paid me, $25. - I paid you 35.

Oh, excuse it, please.

After so many years, it's only natural I'd fall back into my old ways.

Now if you say I owe you $35, then that's what I owe you.

Will you take a check?

You realize you can get into a lot of trouble, passing bad checks.

Mr. Douglas, this check is as good as my intentions--

Pure gold.

I just can't believe it. Why not?

What's wrong in putting chocolate syrup on chopped chicken liver?

Why would he suddenly give me my money back?

Well, maybe it's true what he said.

I read a book the other night about this fellow who saw the light.

What was his name?

Oh, yes, Thomas Edison.

Yes, it's possible-- Thomas Edison?

You know, the man who invented the "electrisical" company.

Now there are two things I don't understand-- Mr. Haney and you.

Well, isn't it possible for a man to change?

Not Haney--

and not just like that, overnight.

Well, my uncle changed overnight.

One day he was bald, and the next day he had hair.

Everybody said it was a miracle,

and that's what it was-- a miracle toupee.

You can tell me about it later.

I wanna run into Drucker's and get this check cashed before Haney changes his mind.

While you're there, here are a few things I need. Oh, fine. Yes.

See you later.

You put chocolate syrup on chopped chicken liver?

And, uh, two bottles of chocolate syrup.

Your wife making chicken livers again, Mr. Douglas?

Incidentally, I've got a check from Haney here.

Would you cash it for me? Oh, you too?

That's the third check of his I cashed this morning. Got one from Newt.

Yeah, Haney sold him a one-legged chicken, then bought it back.

- A one-legged-- - Yeah. Poor thing.

Every time it tried to lay an egg, it fell over.

Haney's been buying back all the old broken-down things from everybody.

Wish he'd make me an offer on Doris.

You mean he's buying back all that junk he sold everybody?

Yeah. He gave Arnold back the money for the bicycle he sold him.

- [ Squeals ] - Well, you couldn't ride it nohow.

You need a three-wheeler.

- [ Snorts ] - It just ain't like Haney.

No, it isn't.

He must be up to something.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Haney. Mrs. Douglas.

Well, don't you look as pert as a peewee in a peckerwood tree.

Why, you're the second person who's said that to me today.

Is my old friend Mr. Douglas to home?

No, he had to go in to Mr. Drucker's store,

but why don't you come in and wait for him? Thank you.

Would you like something to eat?

I just made some chopped chicken liver with chocolate syrup.

Chopped--

It's hot in here, ain't it?

Would you like some? Uh, no thank you, ma'am.

No, I just had a whole bowlful of them for lunch.

Would you like to sit down? Oh, thank you.

Is there any special reason you want to see Mr. Douglas?

No, no. Just a social call.

- Speaking of New York-- - We weren't speaking of New York.

We weren't? Well, why don't we?

- I'll bet you miss it, don't you? - Well, yes, I do.

Many's a time I've said to myself,

"It's a shame to keep a beautiful pigeon like you...

cooped up in a dump like this."

Many a times I said the same thing to Mr. Douglas.

I'll bet you'd be willing to move at the drop of a hat.

Yes, I would, but Mr. Douglas isn't much of a hat-dropper.

Don't seem right, keeping you here...

- just 'cause he's finicky about his fedora. - No, it doesn't.

What doesn't?

Keeping me pooped up here on account of a Finnish Theodora.

- What? - Oh, uh, we was just talking about dreams.

- No, we weren't. - No, I guess we wasn't, because I don't dream--

mainly because I ain't been sleeping too good lately.

Something's bothering me.

Oh, I'm sure it is.

It must be my conscience,

keeping me awake over something I sold you besides that tractor.

- Was it a vacuum cleaner? - No, uh, something bigger.

The stove? No, no, bigger than that.

Maybe it was this house. That's it.

That's what's been keeping me awake. Oh, come on.

No, that's what it is. Mr. Douglas, sell it back to me.

- What? - Just sign this bill of sale,

- and let me get a good night's sleep. - I don't intend to--

I'll make the check out for $100 more than you paid me.

- We'll take it. - Lisa! I'm not selling.

Well, then I'll sell my half. I've got community in his property.

Uh, well, half wouldn't do me no good.

Then I'd only be able to sleep every other night.

Oh, boy. Look, we're not selling.

Well, now, don't make any hasty decisions.

I'll be back in a half hour for the signed bill of sale.

It won't be signed.

Talk to him, Mrs. Douglas.

New York is calling you.

I'll leave the door open in case you want to chase after me.

Of all the-- Oliver, why didn't you sell it to him?

Because he's up to something.

Now why would he want to buy this dump back from me?

You finally admitted what it is.

I didn't mean it was a dump. I mean it was a--

You can't think of another word.

- Lisa, why would he want to buy this place? - Maybe he turned honest.

Whoo!

A man doesn't suddenly turn honest.

Your father did. My father never turned honest.

I mean, he was always crooked.

A leopard doesn't change his spats-- spots.

I don't know what spots he's got on his spats,

but I'd sell it to him.

Well, there must be some reason he wants it.

For all we know, there's oil under this place.

Well, congratulations, Mr. Douglas. What?

You struck oil, eh? Oh!

Oh, yeah. A real gusher. How about that?

- And you're not even a Texan. - Look, Mr. Kimball--

Oil, eh? Well, I always knew you bought this place for a reason.

- I knew you weren't a farmer. - Now, see here--

I'm glad it turned out this way,

because if you ever tried to make a living...

selling those ridiculous crops you've been growing--

- Mr. Kimball-- - Oil, eh?

Well, hope it doesn't go to your head--

but if it does, I know a great shampoo for oily heads.

I'll bet you do.

Mr. Kimball, there is no oil here.

Oh, Oliver. Oh, hello, Mr. Kimball.

Oliver, I can't get the oil out of your sweater.

Well, send it to the cleaner.

No oil, eh?

Please, Mr. Kimball, no matter what you think--

Well, I guess that now you've discovered no oil,

you won't be selling this place to the highway commission after all.

- The highway commission? - As if you didn't know.

- Know what? - No oil, eh?

What was that about the State Highway Commission?

I thought they made you an offer for the place.

They're talking about putting the cross-state highway through here.

Oh!

That's what he was up to.

Who was?

Uh, Mr. Kimball,

you know, if the news got out about there being oil here,

there might be a stampede,

so I wouldn't mention it to anybody,

especially Mr. Haney.

Don't worry.

Your secret is my secret. [ Chuckles ]

What was your secret again?

Not to mention that there's oil here to Mr. Haney.

[ Knocking ]

How are you, Hank? Oh, fine.

Just fine. [ Chuckles ] Well, not fine.

I'm carrying a big secret around in here. Oh? What's that?

I'm sorry, but you're the one Mr. Douglas told me not to tell.

Well, if he told you not to tell me, then I wouldn't want you to.

How would you like a little glass of hard cider?

Oh, no, thank you.

You know how cider loosens my tongue.

Well, it doesn't loosen it.

It just sort of flaps around and, uh,

well, in no time at all, I'd be telling you all about the oil.

Oil? Oh, you knew about it?

I wonder why Mr. Douglas didn't want me to tell you that he has oil on his farm.

He has oil on his farm?

Yes, Haney, looks like somebody finally put one over on you.

Doggone. It just shows it don't pay to be Mr. Nice Guy.

So Mr. Kimball heard me mention to you there might be oil here.

We're rich. No, we're not rich.

Well, if there is oil, we are.

I bet that's why Mr. Haney was trying to buy this place.

Oh, no, he was trying to buy it because he heard...

the state might build a highway through here.

Well, if they're going to build a highway and there is oil,

won't that be slippery?

Lisa, there is no oil.

[ Knocking ] [ Haney ] Mr. Douglas?

But there's a fella who thinks there is.

Coming.

Stand up tall, fellas. I'm giving you to a beautiful lady.

Well, Mr. Haney.

Oh, thank you.

Wouldn't you like to come in?

Oh, no. I just stopped by to deliver the posies.

- Oh, speaking of good luck-- - I don't believe we were.

Well, why don't we? I wanna congratulate you on your good fortune.

Oh, you mean about discovering gold here.

Gold? I thought it was oil.

I thought it was the state highway.

Let's not fence around the bush, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Kimball told me about the oil.

Oh. And after I asked him not to mention it.

Well, those things have a way of slipping out.

Now, I'll probably start drillin' next week.

- What do you mean, you'll start drilling? - Well, it's my oil.

- Your oil? - That's right.

Mr. Douglas, when I sold you this farm,

I retained the mineral rights.

- It's in the fine print. - Haney--

You're a lawyer. You ought to know about the fine print.

And the way things look right now,

that print is mighty fine.

Uh, Mr. Haney,

you may own the mineral rights,

but to get to the minerals, you've got to cross this land, right?

- Uh, right. - And I own the land.

So just how do you think you're gonna cross my land to get to the oil?

I'm glad you left that up to me.

Now, being the oil is mine, and the land is yours,

I think you ought to get a little something...

for letting me cross your land.

Well, that's very generous of you. I agree.

Now shall we say, uh,

you get one-third of one-half of one percent?

Naturally, that's on the net, after taxes and expenses.

That way I'll wind up owing you.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Douglas.

You can take as long as you want to pay me back.

Haney, the only deal I'm prepared to make is 50-50.

- 70-30 is fine with me. - 50-50.

Well, if you're gonna be narrow-minded about it,

let's say, uh, 60-40.

Haney, it's 50-50,

or you don't set foot on this land.

I'll start drilling tomorrow, partner.

You hear any gurgling, Mr. Douglas? Not yet.

Oh, it won't be long now before that black gold...

comes a gushin' out of the ground. I can hardly wait.

I'll have millions.

We'll have millions.

Who are you?

I'm your partner.

Mr. Douglas, you ain't gonna hold me to that silly little agreement?

I certainly am.

Mr. Douglas, maybe this ain't such a good spot to drill.

Oh, it's a very good spot.

It's right close to the house, and--

[ Rumbling ] Shh!

Here it comes, Mr. Douglas. Here it comes!

Millions and millions!

Millions and millions, barrels and barrels!

All over the place.

Mr. Haney-- Yachts, limousines, mansions--

Mr. Haney-- Look at it, Mr. Douglas, just look at it.

I am looking at it.

Did you ever see oil that color?

It's white oil. That's even better.

Mr. Haney, that's water.

Water? Yes.

And I want to thank you.

Ever since you sold me this place,

you've promised to drill me a new well,

and you finally got around to it.

Oliver, that wasn't a very nice thing of you to do to Mr. Haney.

He thought he was going to be a big oil typhoon.

Don't feel sorry for Mr. Haney.

It's about time somebody taught him a lesson.

[ Machinery Running ] What the--

Mr. Haney! Oh, Mr. Douglas, I hope I ain't disturbing you.

What are you doing? I just went into a new business.

There's big money in pure spring water.

Oh, all right.

As long as I get half of the profits.

Mr. Douglas, you fouled up on the fine print again.

The contract specifically says...

that you get half the profits of oil.

It does?

Yeah, and if we find any oil in that water, you can have half of it.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.