Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Lisa, you're not going. And I say I am.

You're not. I am.

I am going into Drucker's, and I'll discuss it with you later.

But Oliver-- Later.

It's later. Do you want to discuss it now?

How did you-- Do you want to discuss it?

No.

Oliver.

Lisa, you are not going, and that's final.

Well, I have a final of my own. I am going.

I explained to you why I can't take you.

Would you explain it again? No.

You forgot the phony story you made up.

It is not phony. None of the other men are taking their wives.

Why not?

Lisa, will you stop bumping into me?

Well, your taillight isn't working.

I'll get it fixed.

Hold it. Oh, for--

Well, you didn't explain it to me. Why not?

Why not what?

Why not aren't the other fellas taking their wives? Why?

Because it's strictly for men.

Oh! It's a stag party.

No, it's not a stag party.

It's a farm symposium.

- What's a symposium? - Well, a lot of men sit around a long table--

And a girl comes out of the cake.

No, no girl comes out of a cake.

- What does she come out of? - Lisa, it's just a bunch of farmers...

sitting around a table discussing farm problems.

But, Oliver, I'm not going to stay here all by myself.

Why not? You've done it before. That was different.

Eb was here, and he wasn't away on his honeymoon.

Oh, yes. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

When I'm in Drucker's, I'll see if I can get somebody...

to come out here and stay with you.

- You mean a babysitter? - No, I mean a hired hand.

I've gotta get somebody to help out here until Eb comes back.

I'll see you later. Oliver?

- Yes? - I understand how you feel.

If all the other fellas aren't bringing their wives...

and you showed up with yours, they'd think you were henpecked.

- Yes, they would. - Well, I can fix that.

I'll make the hotel reservation for Mr. Douglas and Miss Jones.

Good-bye.

[ Grunting ]

Oh, come on, Arnold. Make up your mind.

Sam ain't got all day. Which lunch box do you want?

[ Grunting ]

Ah, good morning. Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

- Good morning, Arnold. - [ Grunting ]

Mr. Douglas, which lunch box do you think Arnold oughta have?

Oh, that square one's nice.

[ Squealing ]

I guess you and Arnold ain't got the same taste.

Well, Arnold, you better get going now.

You're 15 minutes late for class.

And, Arnold, be sure and put your name on that lunch box...

so you don't lose it.

Darn kids are so careless. Yeah.

I say, where do you want this, Mr. Drucker?

Oh, right over there by the stove.

- What can I do for you, Mr. Douglas? - Well, I--

[ Squealing ]

Forgot to put his lunch in his box. Yeah, well--

Is there anything else I can do around here, Mr. Drucker?

Oh, uh, no. No, that's a fine pile of wood.

Help yourself to some canned goods, Tony.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, this is Tony Ashley. How do you do?

How do you do? Tony's from England.

He's tramping across the country, writing a book about America.

Oh, well, he oughta get Mr. Douglas to help him.

He's always making speeches about the American farmer.

Well, I-- Do that one about the battling farmer...

standing on the bridge shooting at the British.

No offense.

Mr. Ziffel, it's not a speech about shooting at the British.

No offense.

It's a poem-- "The Concord Hymn," by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Oh, you mean, uh--

"By the rude bridge that arched the flood,

"their flag to April's breeze unfurled.

"Here once the embattled farmers stood,

and fired the shot heard round the world."

Doggone. You sure say that better than Mr. Douglas.

- No offense. - [ Muttering ]

Mr. Douglas has another one-- about planting the seeds in the rich brown earth,

and watching 'em shoot up towards the sun and the sky.

I don't believe I know that one.

Well, you wouldn't want to hear him say it.

It's pretty dull. Mr. Drucker--

I wonder if Arnold remembered to take his napkins.

Mr. Drucker, is there anybody else around here...

who might need some odd jobs performed?

Uh, Mr. Douglas might.

You said you was looking for somebody temporary to fill in for Eb.

Well, yes, I am. Have you ever worked on a farm?

My uncle owned a dairy farm near Cheltenham.

- Well, I do need somebody. - Why don't you give him a chance, Mr. Douglas?

Yeah. He couldn't do no worse than you do.

Well, if you want to, we'll give it a try.

Lisa. Lisa?

Oh, Oliver. Oh. Oliver--

I called the hotel in the state capital,

and they didn't have two rooms, so I reserved one for you and Miss Jones.

Uh, that's me, otherwise known as Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa, this is Tony Ashley.

Tony, this is my wife, "Miss Jones." How do you do?

- How do I do what? - Uh--

Lisa, Tony's gonna work here for a couple of weeks.

Oh? Are you going to be my babysitter?

Well, I-- Uh, what my wife means is, I wanted somebody...

to be here while I was at the symposium up at the state capital.

- That's a stag party with farmers. - It's not a--

Did anybody ever tell you that you look like David Niven?

Uh, no, they haven't.

I don't think so either because you spell your name differently.

You can see why I'm afraid to leave her alone.

Come on, Tony. I'll show you where you're going to sleep.

Fine. Charmed to have met you.

- Glad to have you abroad. - "Abroad"?

You're what this farm has always needed-- a good hand kisser.

Oh, Lisa, I'm starved. Is it--

What are you using all the good silver for? Why, this is for Tony.

He's English, and this is the way they eat.

They're very proper. Oh.

Well, maybe I should have put on a clean pair of spats.

How's Tony doing? Oh, fine.

He's a good worker.

I hope he stays till Eb gets back.

What's for lunch?

Hotcakes.

Well, maybe I can find somebody else.

I'm sorry I'm late.

[ Lisa ] Oh, that's all right.

It's nice to see a man wearing a jacket for lunch.

Isn't it, Oliver? Yes. Looks very nice.

I think everybody should wear a jacket for lunch.

If you'd like to wear one, go ahead.

Won't you sit down, please? Oh. May I?

Thank you.

Tony, after lunch I think we ought to start--

I hope you noticed what Tony just did, Mr. Douglas.

Uh, yes, I did. I think we ought to start near the south fence.

We certainly don't have any trouble telling who is the gentleman in this room.

Look, Lisa--

I say, I didn't mean to cause any friction.

Oh, no, it's not your fault.

My wife's a little miffed at me because I'm going to this farm symposium,

and I'm not taking her with me.

- If you were going, would you take your wife with you? - Well--

Lisa, it's not fair to put him in a spot like that.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to have some hotcakes?

It's not fair to put him in a spot like that either.

- Oliver. - Lisa, will you please get the coffee?

- Are you going to pull the chair out for me? - No.

Well, I just wanted to show Tony that you're not all bad.

Would you care for some, Mr. Douglas?

Uh, no thanks. I've eaten here before.

You're only going to end up with a bent fork.

- [ Whispering ] What do you suggest? - The Pixley Diner.

Which would you rather have, coffee or tea?

Tea, if you don't mind. Thank you.

I hope it won't be too strong for you.

Lisa, you make tea with hot water.

What do you think I made the coffee with?

How many lumps?

Oliver? Mm-hmm?

- I want to talk to you. - Mm-hmm.

- Are you listening? - Mm-hmm.

The baby is coming.

That's nice.

You better go and boil some water.

He's a good man to have around in a crisis.

Oliver? Mm-hmm?

What you doing? I'm boiling some hot water.

- What for? - You're going to have a baby.

I already had it.

Would you mind heating up some milk?

Sure.

What do you mean, you had a baby?

I knew you weren't listening.

Lisa, I'm trying to digest these figures...

so I can speak intelligently at the stag-- I mean, the symposium.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

Lisa, we had that all out. Now, you're not going with me.

- I don't want to go. - I am not going to change my mind.

- That's okay with me. - I don't care how you nag me, I'm not--

What do you mean, you don't want to go?

Well, you see, the reason I wanted to go was,

because with Eb away, I didn't want to stay here alone,

but now that Tony is here, I feel safer.

Oh. Well, good.

He's got very good manners.

Yes, he pushes a nice chair.

He kisses a good hand too.

Do you think he's handsome?

Well, he doesn't turn me on, but--

Did you notice when he smiles, what pretty teeth he has?

Oh, I don't notice those things, ever since I sold my toothpaste stock.

Well, they're very pretty.

They've got spaces between them.

A lot of women think that's very sexy.

Now what's sexy about it?

Well, I'm going to feel very good...

with you away and Tony here.

Mm-hmm. [ Knocking ]

I beg your pardon. I saw the light on and, uh--

I see you've got the kettle on. Are you boiling some water for some tea?

No, uh, my wife is having a baby.

Good night.

You grab a hoe.

We'll go out in the tomato field and I'll show you what to do.

[ Cow Moos ]

Before you do that, you better throw some hay down for Eleanor.

Yes, sir.

[ Vehicle Approaching ]

Ah, Mr. Haney.

I just stopped by to congratulate you.

Is it a boy or a girl? A boy or a girl?

Oh, you don't know yet. Well, it don't matter.

The little tyke will soon sleep happily--

in this magnificent cradle.

What the-- It was originally slept in by Benjamin Franklin,

in his earlier years, of course.

What are you talking about?

The infant that Mrs. Douglas presented you with.

What makes you think that Mrs.--

Everybody in the valley heard her hollerin'...

for you to boil hot water last night.

How could they have heard that?

Whenever the wind blows in just the right direction,

you can hear everything that goes on here.

Mr. Haney, no matter what you think--

Mr. Douglas, I just fed Eleanor. Oh.

Eleanor? Then it's a girl.

Eleanor is the cow's name.

And you named the baby after her. How touching.

Mr. Haney, my wife did not have a baby.

Then why did you hire this English nanny?

He's not a--

Uh, Mr. Haney, this is Tony Ashley.

He's filling in for Eb.

Pleased to meet you. Tony, I'll catch up with you in the tomato field.

It's over there by the south fence. Right-o.

Is he gonna stay here while you go to that there symposium?

Yes. Probably makes you feel pretty good,

having somebody like that to look after her while you're away.

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's gonna be--

Be a nice change for the missus too,

to have somebody around to push her chair, and kiss her hand.

My wife doesn't really care about--

She sure must like him, setting the table with the good silverware for him.

- How did you-- - That come in on the previous wind.

Mr. Haney, uh-- He sure is a handsome feller.

Yes, he is.

Well, I wouldn't worry too much.

- About what? - I guess it's always the husband...

who's the last one to know.

Mr. Haney, what are you talking about?

Well, you have a good time, and while you're away...

I'll keep my ear to the wind.

Did you say these were tomatoes, old boy?

Of course. Hmm.

Is there some reason for growing them so small?

Look, you just cultivate them, hmm?

I say, what's that over there?

Corn.

- Is there any reason for growing it so small? - Will you please--

Hi, Mr. Douglas. Oh, hiya, Mr. Kimball.

Yeah, I just walked through your cabbage patch.

Is there any reason for growing them this small?

I just asked him the same thing about his corn and tomatoes.

You should see his apples. [ Laughs ]

Oh, I don't think we've been introduced. Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

This is Tony Ashley. Tony, this is Hank Kimball.

He's our county agent. Pleased to make your acquaintance, old chap.

- Oh, you have an accent. - Oh, yes, Tony's from--

Don't tell me. I got a great ear for accents.

No, it's this one.

- You mind saying something? - What would you like to hear me say, old boy?

Got it. Nebraska-- I'd say around Omaha.

- Cheltenham, England. - Oh, Kansas.

I got a lot of friends in Kansas.

Uh, well, not a lot. There's uh-- Uh--

No, he was from South Dakota.

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever been in Kansas.

I'd be glad to raise the money for a trip.

That's very nice of you. No, it isn't. You're trying to get rid of me.

If you'll excuse me, I'd better get to work.

Nice fella.

Yes. He's gonna work around here for a while.

He is? Oh! Before I forget--

Forget what?

I forgot.

- Look-- - I'm only human.

- Who told you that? - Uh, I forget.

Oh, now I remember.

Hey, that was quite a fight you had upwind with Mrs. Douglas yesterday.

- Look, Mr. Kimball-- - I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but you were yelling and the wind was blowing--

Well, why don't you want to take her to the stag party with you?

- It's a symposium. - That the way you're getting around the police?

- Yes, that's the way. - Are you taking Miss Jones with you?

Well, if you heard everything else, you must have heard that.

No, the wind shifted about that time.

The only thing I could get was two cows over at Ben Miller's,

and they weren't saying anything interesting.

Just for your information, it wasn't a fight, it was a discussion.

And I am going to the symposium by myself.

And you're leaving Mrs. Douglas alone?

No. Tony is going to stay with her. Oh.

Well, if I were going to pick a handsome, charming man to stay...

and kiss my wife's hand while I was away,

he'd be my choice too.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

He sure is a real Romeo.

Did you see the spaces he has between his teeth?

- A lot of women think-- - I know what a lot of women think.

- And you're not worried? - Of course not.

Oh, boy.

Mr. Kimball, I don't like what you're implying.

Oh, I'm not implying anything. Good!

Say, did you hear what happened over at Crabwell Corners? No.

Nothing. Nothing ever happens over at Crabwell Corners.

But Pixley, yeah, there's a wild town.

Oh, yes, yes. Pixley really swings.

Clint Swenson went to this convention by himself.

Wouldn't take his wife, and when he came back,

he found his wife had run off with a surveyor.

Mr. Kimball, I am not the least bit--

Oh, well, there's no connection.

Tony's just a good-looking hired hand,

and well, the other fella was a surveyor.

Look, I have heard about all I need--

Mr. Douglas, your boundary fence is rather crooked.

If you like, I'd be happy to survey it for you.

Well, have a nice trip.

Uh, Lisa, I know this is a stupid question,

But what-- I mean, what do you think you're doing?

I'm pressing your pants...

so they'll be easy to pack in your suitcase for your trip.

Lisa, you don't-- I did your coat already. The vest is inside.

Why didn't you just send it to Pixley, like you always do?

I was afraid you wouldn't get it back in time for you to leave tomorrow.

- I'm not leaving till Friday. - I thought you might want to leave early.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Of course not, darling.

Would you please unplug the iron? Yeah.

Uh, what are you plugged in at? Number six.

Oh, when do you think you will leave? I told you, Friday.

Well, in case I don't see you before you go, have a good time.

Why wouldn't you see me?

Lisa, would you like to come with me?

- Where are you going? - To the symposium.

- Do you really want me to go with you? - Yes, I do.

I don't want to.

I think you ought to go ahead, enjoy yourself, and don't worry about me.

I'll be in good hands with Tony.

What do you mean, in good hands?

I mean that-- What do you want me to do with your suitcases, old boy?

Well, I-- I asked Tony to clean them up for you.

- Hear you're leaving soon. - Where did you hear that?

Well, I just assumed you were anxious to get to your stag party.

It's not a symposium, it's a stag--

Well, that's what he said. I know what he said.

Whatever it is, have a good time,

and don't give a thought to Mrs. Douglas.

I'll take good care of her.

What do you mean by that? Nothing, old boy.

- Stop calling me that. - No offense, old chap.

- And don't call me that either. - I say, what's wrong, old man?

It's the "old" he objects to--

especially when there are younger men around.

Put those suitcases down. Right-o.

Is there anything else? No, thank you.

Well, you weren't very nice to him--

especially now that he's going to take over for you while you're away.

Nobody's taking over for me.

Why do you jump on everything I say?

Are you jealous?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous. - Well, you're pretty burned up about something.

- I'm not burned up. - Then why are you smoking?

I'm not-- [ Sniffs ]

Hey! Ooh! You must have unplugged the wrong plug.

You said it was plugged into a six.

Well, I changed my mind. Must be the icebox.

How do you know it's not the washing machine?

Because the refrigerator is "defrostrating."

Oh, that miserable--

As long as the iron is still hot,

is there anything else you want me to press?

Then you're really going?

Yes, I'm really going.

For a while there I thought you were jealous.

For a while I was listening to those stupid insinuations.

Then you're not worried about leaving me here...

with a handsome chair-pusher with the spaces in his teeth?

- No. - You don't care?

Watch it. Of course I care.

I trust you. Why?

Because we've been married all these years,

and I have no reason not to trust you.

That doesn't do a woman's echo any good.

- Ego. - Aren't you even a little bit jealous?

- No. - You're pretty sure of yourself.

- Why shouldn't I be? - You just take a woman for granite.

No, I don't take you for granite.

Then why don't you show a little jealousy?

Would that make you happy?

Well, it wouldn't make me unhappy.

All right. Anything to make you happy.

No, no, no. It's not to make me unhappy.

All right, I've got about 15 minutes.

Would it help if I shot Tony?

Well, that would show a little emotion.

Fine. Do you know where my gun is? You wouldn't do that.

I might, if I were really jealous of him.

You mean that? Of course. Lisa, I love you.

I'm not gonna let anybody take you away from me.

That's all I wanted to hear. I'll see you Tuesday.

Where are you going? To the symposium.

And you're going to leave me all alone with Tony?

Okay. Lisa, I want you to come with me.

Please come with me.

Well--

Pack your bags. They're already packed.

What? Tony put them in the car.

Oh, for-- How long will it take you to change your clothes?

Not long.

Come on.

Did he take her?

Gee, I don't know. The wind changed.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.