Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Snorting ]

[ Man On TV ] And here, over 5,000 wild boars...

spend their lives in perfect contentment.

- [ Snorting ] - And so we say aloha nui to enchanting Catalina Island,

the home of the wild boar.

[ Snorting ]

[ Squealing ]

[ Squealing ]

[ Woman ] This here has been a Finkways production, you all.

Do you know who brought that wonderful film, children?

- [ Snorting ] - That's right.

Klingwell's Children's Shoe Shop in Pixley--

the home of Teddy Bear nonskid, non-scuff sneakers.

And Klingwell's has a big treat in store for you kiddies.

At 10:00 this morning, the Pixley Orpheum Theater...

is holding its annual masquerade party,

with free movies, free balloons,

free ice cream and free candy.

- [ Squealing ] - And all you need to be admitted free...

is to show up in funny-- ha, ha, ha, ha-- costume,

and wearing a pair of Teddy Bear nonskid, non-scuff sneakers.

[ Squealing ]

And now, here's one of your favorite cartoons,

Super Clam.

[ Groans ] Where are you taking him?

[ Groans ] Bring him back.

Lisa! Lisa, Lisa. Wake up.

Lisa. Lisa. Good morning, darling.

Oh. You've got lipstick on your nose.

That's not lipstick. That's blood.

You hit me. You were having a nightmare.

I was? What about?

How should I know? It was your nightmare.

Oh!

Now I remember. I was dreaming about Eb.

This man was kidnapping him, and Eb was screaming, "Help, help!"

And I was trying to hit him, but all you did was lie there and sleep.

- Well, I-- - We've got to call the F.B.I. Eb has been kidnapped.

Oh, he wasn't--

I bet you he isn't up in his room.

Of course not. He's in Niagara Falls on his honeymoon.

Then why was this man dragging him away?

Lisa, you were having a dream.

There's nothing wrong with Eb.

Are you going to go against a woman's intermission?

I wouldn't even go against a woman's intuition.

- What's that? - It's like an intermission, but it's in English.

Oliver.

Lisa, if anything had happened to Eb, we would have heard.

We would have gotten a call or a telegram.

Well, that's pretty stupid.

When you're being kidnapped, they don't let you make calls or send telegrams.

Lisa, let's get up. We'll get dressed, have breakfast.

We'll go to Drucker's, and I'm sure there'll be a letter there from Eb.

[ Honks Horn ] Lisa! Come on.

Lisa, what took you so long? I thought you were in a hurry to--

Instead of complaining, you could help me with these.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh!

What have you got in here? Hotcakes.

Who are these for?

- Mr. Ziffel. - What have you got against him?

Mr. Ziffel likes them. This is the second batch I made for him.

You see, ever since Mrs. Ziffel had to go back east to visit her relatives,

I don't think he's been eating too well.

Well, these manhole covers are not gonna change that.

Now where do you want to go first? Mr. Drucker's or Mr. Ziffel's?

Mr. Ziffel.

[ Fred ] Arnold!

Arnold. Arnold.

Doggone it. I wonder where he's at.

Lisa, these hotcakes are the heaviest things I--

Well, Arnold, it's about time you--

Oh, it's you. I thought that was Arnold knocking.

Have you seen him? No, we haven't. Oliver.

Oh. Here. These are for you.

Oh, thank you. Oh.

Oh! Hotcakes.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Douglas.

Won't you come in. Thank you.

Look, uh, Mr. Ziffel. Hmm?

Uh--

You don't eat these, do you? Oh, no.

I use 'em to reshingle my roof. See?

Well, I'll be.

How do you get them to stay on?

I smear 'em with molasses.

Come on in.

Now why didn't I think of something like that?

How are you getting along without Mrs. Ziffel? Who?

Well, you know, your wife.

- Oh, her. - I bet you miss her.

Well, only when it comes time to slop the pigs.

Say, are you sure you didn't see Arnold? No.

That's awful strange.

This morning I come in here and the TV was on,

his chair was overturned and he was gone.

Maybe he went for a walk.

Oh, no. He couldn't have done that.

His door was locked. See here?

- Maybe he went out the window. - Oh, no. He couldn't reach that.

I'll tell ya, I sure am worried.

I can't imagine what happened to him.

- I know what happened. Arnold's been kidnapped. - What?

Lisa. Do you remember the nightmare I had...

about this man dragging Eb away?

Well, I had the right dream but the wrong pig. Oh, for--

Oh, little Arnold's been kidnapped.

No, he hasn't. My wife just--

What are you doing? I am looking for the rancid note.

The rancid note. You know--

Where they tell you to put two million dollars...

in a paper sack with plain numbers on it.

Where am I gonna get two million dollars?

Now, Lisa, look what you did with your silly dream.

Well, I am sure I saw this man dragging Arnold away.

You said you saw Eb. I thought it was Eb,

but now I realize he had a long snoot and a curly tail.

- That was Arnold. - It could have been Eb too.

You don't have to worry. Now stop worrying. He's gonna be all right.

He better be. If anything happened to him, my wife would kill me.

No, no, I'm sure he'll be home very soon. I hope so.

Oliver? Yes?

Do you have one of those stable machines? A stable machine?

You know, where you hit the top...

and it glues the two papers together, but with a wire.

Oh, a stapling machine. Well, what did I say?

You said a stable machine. What's the difference?

Nothing, if you're a Hungarian.

Here. Oh. Thank you.

What are you doing? I'm trying to bring my farm records up to date.

Oh, boy. You have big holes in your toes.

Oh, yeah.

- What are you doing? - I'm mending your socks.

- With a stapling machine? - Well, I don't know how to sew.

Would you mind telling me how you expect me to put that sock on?

You never learned how to put on socks?

Yes, of course I learned how to-- [ Knocking ]

Hope I ain't disturbin' you.

No, I'm mending Mr. Douglas's socks. Oh, hi, Mr. Ziffel.

Doggone it. You sure staple 'em a lot neater than Doris does.

- You mean your wife staples your-- - Did Arnold come home?

No. No, ma'am.

Well, we can't wait any longer. We have to call the F.B.I.

- I've already called 'em. - What did they say?

Well, they were pretty nice, up till the time I told 'em Arnold was a pig.

Then the conversation got kind of hairy.

- Well, that's the last time I ever watch their program. - What do you expect?

They've got other things to do besides running around, looking for animals.

They'd be looking for Arnold if he were Donald Duck.

- That's got nothing-- - It's always the movie stars who get all the attention.

Well, what am I gonna do?

If Doris comes home and Arnold ain't there, she'll go all to pieces.

- Maybe he's out with a girl. - Not with midterms coming up.

I don't know where he can be.

I've looked every place I can think of.

Now don't worry, Mr. Ziffel.

Tomorrow I'll round up the men in the neighborhood,

and we'll make a thorough search for Arnold.

[ Chattering ]

Uh, quiet down. Quiet down.

Fellas, look, let's get this thing organized.

Who's gonna search where? [ Chattering ]

Hold it, hold it. We better appoint somebody to take charge.

How about Mr. Douglas?

Fine. Well, all right, gentlemen.

Here's my plan-- J-Just a minute.

I think there's a man who knows more about the valley than Mr. Douglas,

who is not only a born leader,

but one of the nicest fellas I know.

Would Hank Kimball please step forward?

Oh, I don't guess he's here.

- That's you. - Oh.

I thought the name sounded familiar.

Gentlemen, I want to thank you for this great honor.

Well, it's not a great honor, it's--

Hank, we've already appointed Mr. Douglas.

To do what?

Look, it's all right. Let him take charge. Oh, thank you.

Now, in a thing like this, organization is of the utmost importance,

so the first thing we gotta find out is...

how many will be going on this picnic?

It's not a picnic, it's a search party.

- It is? - Mr. Douglas, you better take over.

I don't think that'll be necessary. We're making fine progress.

We've established this isn't a picnic, it's a search party.

Now the next question is--

What is the next question?

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Who are we searching for?

Fred's pig.

Fred... Spig, huh?

Hmm. Don't think I ever met him.

Oh, boy, there's a lot of new people moving in the valley.

Too bad some of the old ones aren't moving out.

Will you let Mr. Douglas take charge?

Charge of what? Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Now I have a map here,

and I'll assign a different search area to each one of you.

Uh, here we are,

right here at Hollywood and Vine.

What kind of a map is this?

Oh, it's an official map to the stars' homes.

Mr. Kimball-- Uh, Sam?

You take all the territory from the Farmer's Market...

to Gloria Swanson's house.

And you cover from Beverly Hills to Lew Cody's house.

And would you like to cover Anna May Wong?

Doesn't anyone have a map of Hooterville?

- I don't believe they ever made one. - They never made a map--

That's no problem. We'll make one of our own.

This can of salmon is Bleeker's Creek.

Uh, this can of asparagus is Kirby's Woods.

The can of spinach is the railroad tracks.

And the lima beans are Drebwell's Meadows.

Now I'll make the assignments.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, you cover the lima beans.

Sam, you search around the salmon.

You take the asparagus.

And you fellas are responsible for the spinach.

I'll take the lima beans. We'll all meet back here at 2:00 for lunch.

All right, gentlemen, let's move out.

[ Oliver ] Arnold! Arnold!

[ Sam ] Arnold! Arnold!

[ Hank ] Arnold! Arnold!

I don't know how I'm gonna tell Mr. Ziffel.

Are you sure that you searched everywhere? Positive.

Well, if I had been there, I would have found him.

I would have said, to myself, "Where would you go if you were a pig?"

And where would you go, Porky?

I would go and find another pig of a different sex.

Oh, you're that kind of a pig, huh? Oliver!

Well, Arnold, you finally decided to--

Oh, it's you again. Did you find him?

No. Doggone it.

Well, it's no use.

I don't guess he's ever coming back.

No, now, don't get discouraged so easily, Mr. Ziffel.

Did he ever run away before?

Once, when he was watching a documentary on television...

about how they manufacture bacon.

He turned white, took off and was gone for three days.

They ought to be ashamed of themselves,

putting such scary things on TV for children.

He's not a child. He's a pig.

You wouldn't say that if he were your son.

Son? He's not anybody's--

Mr. Ziffel, didn't you say that the other morning when Arnold disappeared,

- the TV set was on? - Mm. Yes.

Well, then that's your answer. He saw something on TV that scared him away.

I thought he was kidnapped. That was Eb.

Oh, for-- Oliver, we have to go to the TV station in Pixley,

and ask them what they had on on Saturday morning.

Would you have that information? Oh, yes.

Yes, we keep a log book on everything we put on the air.

- Who'd you say you were looking for? - His name is Arnold Ziffel.

Arnold Ziffel?

That's a very familiar name.

Oh, now I remember.

He wrote us a very nasty letter once...

about a bacon documentary we broadcast.

Oh, here we are. Saturday morning.

Well, we started our regular schedule...

with a Saturday morning early Western movie matinee at 6:02--

Bad Day at Pasadena,

starring Milton Sills and Butterfly McQueen.

At 6:04, we interrupted the movie for a used-car commercial.

- Yes, but what we want-- - The movie started promptly again at 6:05.

What did you have about 7:00?

Oh, we had a mouthwash commercial,

followed by a headache pill commercial, a bra commercial...

a muffler commercial, and then a two-minute news film...

showing our station being awarded a plaque...

for outstanding programming by the International Society of Broadcasters.

I don't think Arnold would have left home because of that.

What comes next?

I invited all the children who were watching...

to see a movie at the Pixley Orpheum Theater.

Oh, Arnold loves movies.

Yeah, but I doubt that he had the price of a ticket.

Oh, it was free-- free ice cream, free candy.

All the kiddies had to do was wear their Teddy Bear nonskid, non-scuff sneakers...

- and a masquerade costume. - That's where he went.

Lisa. Arnold loves movies.

Yeah, so he put on his Teddy Bear sneakers and off he went.

- Right. - Lisa.

- What was the name of the theater again? - The Pixley Orpheum.

Well, all the kids were wearing Teddy Bear sneakers.

You'll have to be more specific than that.

His name was Arnold Ziffel.

Arnold Ziffel. Arnold--

No, I don't remember that name.

What kind of costume was he wearing?

- His pig suit. - Oh, that boy!

Boy? He's not a--

His name is Arnold Ziffel?

Say, do you know his address? I want to send him his prize.

- Prize? - Why, for the best costume.

I've never seen anything so realistic--

the way he walked on all fours.

I wonder how he did that.

He practices all the time.

Well, he was just marvelous. [ Laughs ]

And the way he imitated a pig squealing...

when one of the other kids stepped on his tail.

Yes, Arnold does great imitations.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know about that,

or I'd ask him to do Ed Sullivan.

Look, this may come as a shock to you,

but Arnold is a real pig.

Oh, we found that out when we served the ice cream.

He ate 10 gallons all by himself.

Wouldn't let any of the other kids get near it.

Then I think I know where he is right now. Where?

Well, where would you be if you ate 10 gallons of ice cream?

Cedars of Pixley Hospital.

Dr. Chamberlain? One moment, please.

Lisa, Lisa, this is ridiculous. They won't take in a pig.

Well, they let him in the theater, didn't they?

Yes, but they-- Well, if you'd rather wait outside--

No. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Uh, may I help you?

We're off. Yes. What room is Arnold Ziffel in?

Arnold Ziffel?

Hmm. Let's see here.

Ziffel, Ziffel--

Oh, we don't see to have anybody by that name here.

Oh, but he must be here. His father is very worried about him.

You see, we looked everywhere for him, and he must be here.

He ate 10 gallons of ice cream.

Oh, well, that sounds like an emergency case.

They probably took him right to Emergency.

I'll check there. Are you two together?

On some things.

This is Main Floor Admitting.

I'm checking on a patient who was brought in--

About when would he have been brought in?

- Saturday afternoon. - Saturday afternoon.

Ziffel. Arnold Ziffel. You don't?

They don't have a record of him either.

Wait-- Wait a second.

They want to know what he looked like.

Well, he's about this tall--

Wouldn't you say so? Yeah, about two feet tall.

About two feet tall.

He weighs 190 pounds.

Weighs about 190 p--

And he has a curly tail, a long snoot...

and little pointed ears.

And he has a curly tail, and a long snoot and I'll call you back.

Madam, are you on a scavenger hunt?

No. We're looking for Arnold Ziffel.

Well, from your description, I'd say he's some kind of an animal.

- That's right. He's a pig. - He's a--

You see, Saturday he went to the movies...

wearing his Teddy Bear sneakers and his party hat.

And he won first prize in the costume contest,

but they couldn't give it to him because he didn't tell them his name.

Arnold loves to watch TV.

And he has an "A" average in school,

and the reason he's wearing sneakers...

is because he just loves to play basketball.

Heard enough?

Uh, may I speak to you, sir?

Excuse me?

[ Clears Throat ] Uh, sir,

I'm afraid you've brought the lady to the wrong place.

You see, we're not equipped to handle that type of problem here.

Why don't you take her to County General?

They've got a marvelous psychiatric staff.

Oh, thank you.

Come on, Lisa. Wh-What did she say?

About what I expected her to.

But what about Arnold? Come on.

Our camel is double-parked.

Oh, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Mr. Haney. Hello, Mr. Haney.

What are you doing here? Oh, I just stopped by to have my appendixes out.

Why? Do they bother you?

No, but I figure what's the sense in having Medicare...

if you don't take advantage of it?

That's ridiculous.

Last week I had my tonsils out.

- Oh, for-- - What operation did you have?

I didn't have any.

You didn't have a free operation?

- No. - Did you get any free medicine?

- No, we-- - Did you get the diathermy treatment?

- Look, I-- - I hope you didn't pass up the liver X-ray.

No. We are looking for Arnold Ziffel.

He's missing. He is?

Well, now, I saw him Saturday afternoon on the county road.

- Where on the county road? - South Pixley, near the slaughterhouse.

The slaughterhouse?

You had no right to put Arnold in there.

Lady, a man brought in a pig. I bought it from him.

Well, you should have known it was Arnold.

He was wearing sneakers, and he had a party hat on.

Is she puttin' me on?

No. This is a very valuable pig.

Look, you pick him out, and I'll sell him back to you.

Let me see.

Arnold? Arnold?

[ All Snorting ]

They're all impostors.

Look, lady, I'm afraid-- I know. I know how we can find him.

Do you have a television set I may borrow? What?

You see, Arnold loves to watch television.

If you could put the set right in the middle of all those pigs,

the one who turns it on is Arnold.

Look, lady, I'm running a meat-packing plant here.

I got a lot of orders to fill--

bacon, ham, ham hocks, pork chops.

So either you find him now, or you can look for him tomorrow...

at the meat counter of your favorite supermarket.

Murderer!

Pig killer! Storm trooper! Oh, come on. Come on.

Calm down. Are you going to let him ham-hock Arnold?

What can we do? We could find him.

Arnold? Arnold?

[ All Squealing ]

How come Arnold is such a popular name among pigs?

Lisa, you're not gonna find him here.

Now, come on. Let's get in the car.

Can I just take one more look?

Okay.

Mr. Ziffel, how long would it take a pig to walk from South Pixley?

Well, Arnold's done it in an hour and 15 minutes.

Well, then, he should be showing up right away.

Oh, don't listen to her, Mr. Ziffel.

He's not going to show-- [ Arnold Squealing ]

[ Grunting ]

He did!

[ TV Playing ]

My boy's home!

All right, Lisa, how did you do it?

Well, when the man wouldn't let me bring the TV to Arnold,

I thought I'd bring Arnold to the TV.

And how did you do that?

Well, I think the gate got unlatched.

I think you unlatched it.

How can you say that when nobody saw me doing it?

Lisa, you let all those pigs escape.

There were over 200 of them.

[ Pigs Grunting ] And here come some of them now.

Oh, he must have invited some of them over.

He's in there watching TV.

[ Grunting, Squealing ]

Do you realize what you've done?

If that man at the packing house finds out--

[ Man ] Hey, Mac. He did.

- I've been looking for you. - How much?

There were over 200 pigs. That'll cost you--

Whatever it is, you can't put a price on freedom.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.