Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Honking ]

[ Groans ]

Morning, Mr. Douglas. What's wrong with your foot?

Oh, I had a little accident.

A rhinoceros stepped on it.

I got a postcard for you from Eb, the honeymoon boy.

Oh. I bet Mr. Drucker would open a car door for a lady.

- I don't have a car. I have a buggy. - A buggy what?

A horse and buggy.

Oh, here it is.

Hey, he's in Niagara Falls. Ain't that a pretty picture of the falls?

Oh, I wonder if they're having a good time?

Yeah. It says here-- Do you mind if I read it?

Oh, uh, sorry.

What does our son say?

Lisa, he is not our son.

"This is sure a great place for a honeymoon.

"I spend all day looking at the falls,

"and all night looking at television in the hotel lobby.

I'll close now, as Gomer Pyle is gonna start soon."

What a sweet postcard. You can see that he's in love.

- Yes, with Gomer Pyle. - You still don't know who he married?

No. I wish I did. I'd send her my condolences.

Doggone. Sometimes I wish I'd gotten married.

- Why? - Well, uh--

Don't you like being married? No, it's fine, it's fine.

Gives you something to gripe about all the time. Oliver!

Sure would be nice to have a woman around the house...

to do your washing and darn your socks...

and cook you good, home-cooked meals.

Yes, it sure would be nice.

Oliver, have you ever been hit in the face with a wet pickle?

Oh, Lisa, I was only teasing.

Mr. Drucker, I highly recommend marriage--

if you can find a girl as pretty and as charming as mine.

Well, I wasn't really going to hit you with a wet pickle.

Thank you. Well, where do you find somebody like Mrs. Douglas?

Oh, he didn't find me. I found him.

He was hanging from a tree in his "parachust."

Oh, that's right, you told me.

Mr. Douglas was a flier in the air force,

and he got shot down during the war over Hungary.

No, I didn't get shot down. My motor conked out.

He's very sensitive about that.

Well, shot or conked, I was working for the underground--

And it's a good thing I found him...

because there were Nazis all around.

So I cut him down and I hid him.

In here.

You will be safe here. A barn!

Is that what it is?

Oh, yes. Do you know, this is what I've been fighting for?

Why? Is there a shortage of them in the United States?

No, I mean, when the war is over,

I'm gonna buy a farm with a barn like this,

and chickens and good rich soil...

where I can plant the little seeds...

and watch them shoot up toward the sun and the sky.

And then they'll grow into corn and wheat...

and alfalfa and beets--

How come you didn't get out on a Section Eight?

I'm not crazy.

It's a dream I've always had. [ Vehicle Approaching ]

Shh! Nazis.

Say, you're pretty with your clothes off.

Oh, I don't mean "your clothes off."

- I mean, with your uniform off. - [ Man ] Stayin' sie here.

Ich bin searchin' das barn for das Amerikanischer flier.

He says he's going to search the barn for the American flier.

- Yes, I understood. - You speak German?

- No, but-- - Open sie up the door.

Ja. You better hide under the hay.

- You're beautiful. - Under the hay.

- Will you hide under the hay with me? - Oh, boy.

Just because you Americans have the Marshall Plan, you think you own the world.

Under the hay.

Open sie. Mach schnell.

I'm "maching" as much schnell as I can.

Dummkopf.

Fräulein, haben sie seen ein Amerikanischer flier?

Nein. Ich not haben sie seen him.

Oh.

Was ist das? Was ist was?

Das "lumpen" under the hay.

Oh, das "lumpen."

Ah, das ist ein pumpkin.

- Ja? - Halten sie.

Ich bin verboten to stick in the lumpen mit the "bayoneten."

Verboten? By the Führer himself.

Das Führer?

Heil Hitler.

Ah. The heil mit Hitler.

Well, if ich bin verboten to stick in das lumpen mit the "bayoneten,"

was do you stickin' sie mit?

Mit das pitchfork.

Nein. Ich bin stickin.'

- Ow! - Was ist das?

Das ist ein field mouse.

Das ist nicht ein field mouse. Ja, das ist.

- Ow! - See?

[ Squeaking ]

Ja! Das ist ein field mouse.

Auf Wiedersehen, fräulein.

See you around the beer platz.

Ja, around the beer platz. Ja.

Raus mit mach schnell.

[ Motorcycle Starts, Leaves ] You can come out now.

Raus mit and schnell have gone.

You will be safe now. [ Moaning ]

What's the matter? Why did you have to jab me with that pitchfork?

Well, he was going to jab the lumpen with his "bayoneten."

Well, thanks for saving my life. That's okay.

Now can you get me a medic? I can bandage you.

No, I'd rather have a male medic.

All right, I'll see if I can get one.

You'll probably get the Purple Heart for this.

Although, that's not where you're purple.

Medic!

Doggone, Mrs. Douglas. That sure was a narrow escape.

Yes. I managed to crawl back through the enemy lines...

and rejoin my squadron,

but for the next three weeks I was the only pilot in the air force...

who flew his P-51 standing up.

When did you meet Mrs. Douglas again?

A week after the war, in Paris.

I'll bet he was glad to see you.

Oh, we didn't even recognize each other.

You see, Mr. Douglas was in civilian clothes,

and he came into the restaurant where I was working.

♪♪ [ Folk Dance Playing ]

♪♪ [ Sour Notes ]

- ♪♪ [ Sour Notes ] - How will this be?

I'd much rather have a table over--

Pardon, monsieur.

This is all we have.

♪♪ [ Sour Notes ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

Voilà, girls.

Take five and mingle with the customers.

Mademoiselle, s'il vous plaît-- Straighten up.

I've got cello legs.

They're all sore on the inside. That thing is full of splinters.

Mingle.

Try the American. They are always good spenders.

Bonsoir, monsieur. Oh. Oh, no--

You don't have to get up.

Shall I translate the menu for you?

No, I think I can--

Haven't I see you before somewhere?

Oh, boy. That's a real new line.

Oh, no, really, I mean it. Your face is very familiar.

Look. I work on a commission here. Could we have some wine?

Of course, yes. Wine for the rich American.

Well, I'm not rich.

Oh, wait a minute. I don't want that. Just a small bottle.

Wine for the cheap American.

That's too small.

Oh, that's all right. I make 30 cents on a size like that.

I know your face.

It's very familiar. Would you mind opening it?

Uh, yes. Uh, glasses for the wine drinker.

We don't need two glasses for a little bottle like that.

I make 40 cents commission on the glasses.

They charge for the glasses?

[ Tapping ] Oh, excuse me. I will have to go.

They're pushing the chicken paprika, but order onion soup.

Oh, no. I don't like onion soup.

I'm sorry. I have to go back. They'll put me on your bill.

I didn't order you.

Why would they put you on--

Would you give me an "A" please?

What the-- Anything you'd like to hear?

- No, thanks. - I get a 15-cent commission on all requests.

"Yankee Doodle."

They'll put the 15 cents on your bill.

"Yankee Doodle" for the rich American.

♪♪ [ Folk Dance ]

That's not "Yankee Doodle."

Your lentil soup, monsieur.

♪♪ [ Sour Note ]

- Will you stop-- - What's that?

- Lentil soup. - Don't eat it.

- Why not? - One of the lentils is swimming.

- What? - Hold still.

Ooh! Oh! What's the matter?

I got wounded when--

Now I remember who-- You're the lumpen sticker. That's right!

And you're the fellow with the Purple Heart, but in the wrong place.

Oh, I'm so glad I found you.

Oh. Now let's get one thing straight.

The kisses are 35 cents apiece.

Put 'em on my bill.

Doggone. That sure is romantic.

Yeah, and expensive. I ran up quite a bill.

Yes, after that he was always hanging around...

for those 35-cent kisses.

That's when I decided it would be cheaper to marry her...

than to kiss her on the installment plan.

Oh, and that's when you proposed to her?

Proposed to who? Mrs. Douglas.

Who proposed to her? Mr. Douglas.

Oh! Congratulations. When's the wedding gonna be?

We haven't set the date yet.

Say, how about June? That's a great month--

Oh, wait a second.

If you're Mr. Douglas and she's Mrs. Douglas,

has it ever occurred to you that you might already be married?

It occurred to me, but the whole idea gives me a feeling of--

[ Muttering ] Oliver.

Well, how else are you gonna answer a dimple head like that?

Hank, will you please be quiet?

You were gonna tell me how you proposed.

Oh! It was on a camping trip.

Uh, well, it wasn't a camping trip.

We were having a barbecue in her backyard.

No, she didn't have a backyard.

Must have been barbecuing in her living room.

That's right, because when the fire department got there,

- that's where they put out the fire. - [ Sam ] Hank, please.

Mr. Douglas was telling me about how he and Mrs. Douglas met during the war,

and he was just gonna tell me how he proposed to her.

To her what? Go ahead, Mr. Douglas.

- Some other time. - Oh, please, Oliver.

Finish the story. I don't remember how it ended.

You don't remember--

Well, you know, in Europe, you don't just ask a girl to marry you.

No. First you ask her if she wants to,

and if she says yes, you take an option on her.

Then you go to her father and ask his permission,

and if he gives it, then you go back to her and take up her option.

Something like that.

Do you remember the night when you came over...

to ask my father if you could take up my option?

[ Knocking ]

Ooh. Hi.

Hello there. I brought you something.

Thank you.

Which one has the diamond in it?

Uh, none of them. Oh?

They're just for eating, not for wearing?

That's right. Oh, well.

I'll give it to the dog.

Wait a minute. Is your father in? Yes. He's in the study.

Oh, good. I want to talk to him. What about?

Marrying me. I thought you wanted to marry me.

Maybe I'd better think this over.

No. He's waiting for you.

Well-- Oliver?

Before you go in there, there is something you ought to know.

Oh? What about? About me.

Something I did before I met you.

Oh, Lisa, you don't have to tell me.

Well, I don't want you to hear it from somebody else.

I want you to hear it from me.

Lisa, we have all done things we're sorry for. I've done a few myself.

But I-I-I want to tell you.

You see, it was during the war,

and we didn't know whether we were going to be alive next day,

and, well, there was this man,

and we were in the barn together,

and, well, I couldn't help myself.

I-I stuck him in the lumpen with a pitchfork.

That was me!

Oh?

Well, as long as you know about it.

Now, what were some of the things you were sorry for?

Oh--

Well, whatever they were, you're forgiven. Thank you.

What were they?

Nothing. Lisa, whatever happened in the past,

I never knew anybody before I met you,

and you never knew anybody before you met me.

Well, if you want to be an ostrich and stick your head in an egg.

Do you love me? Of course I love you.

And I love you. That's all that matters.

Oh, you're so "Noël Cowardy."

Look, I don't want to keep your father waiting. Good luck, darling.

- Don't you want to kiss me? - I don't have any change.

Oh, well, this one is on the house.

What the--

"Dear Mr. Douglas.

"I checked your credit rating and I don't think you are son-in-law material.

Permission denied."

Of all the--

Is that all you're interested in, how much money a man has?

Oh, Oliver, if you only had put a couple of diamonds in the chocolates.

I don't have to buy a wife.

Oh, you are hurt. Yes, I am.

Would it help you if I give you a discount on the kisses?

Lisa, will you marry me?

I can't go against my father's wishes.

All right then, I don't need you.

You're not the only lumpen sticker in the barn.

Oh, Oliver!

Oliver!

Oh, that's-- that's sad.

I guess you never saw her again, huh? No, I never did.

Well, it worked out fine.

I mean, you found Mrs. Douglas, and I know you two are going to be very happy.

Well, I'll see you around the beer platz. [ Chuckles ]

Come on, Lisa. We've gotta get back to the farm.

No, you can't leave without finishing the story.

How'll I know if you ever got married?

Well, not married. Oh, darn that Hank Kimball. He's catching.

Well, we got married, and the way it happened it was very romantic.

You see, after my father turned Oliver down for insufficient funds,

he went back to America with a heavy heart.

Bartender. Yes, sir?

Make me another one.

It's none of my business, Mac, but you've already had four.

- Look. - Okay, okay.

I don't know how a guy can drink so many Shirley Temples.

I'm not interested in what--

Oh, you're gonna wake up in the morning with an awful heartburn.

Just make me another one, and go easy on the cherry.

Yes, sir.

I forgot to turn on my favorite program--

Buddy Atkinson and His All-Girl Band.

♪♪ [ Band Plays ]

[ Man ] Ah, yes. That was wonderful, girls, just wonderful.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the guest artist of the evening--

Lisa and Her Magic Cello. [ Lisa ] Thank you.

I am playing this number for Oliver, wherever you are.

♪♪ [ Cello Plays ] "Oliver, wherever you are"? That's me!

Lisa, I'm here!

I'm here! Mac, will ya put it down?

She's playing it for me. Lisa, I hear you, I hear you.

Where's the broadcast coming from?

Over on 48th and Broadway. Forty-eighth and Broadway.

This never happened on a Shirley Temple before.

Where are they? Where are they?

Will you let go of me? I'm "Oliver, wherever you are."

What? She just talked to me on the air.

Who did? Lisa and Her Magic Cello.

Well, she's not here. I just heard the broadcast.

Oh, man, that was transcribed six weeks ago.

[ Groans ] Well, where can I find her? Try the Musicians' Union.

Here's something for your trouble. Thank you.

Thirty-five cents? It's symbolic.

Lisa and Her Magic Cello, huh? That's right.

I've got a Lenny and His Enchanted Flute.

No, no, no. Lisa.

- She doesn't play any other instrument? - Not that I know of.

- Then she wouldn't be Irving and His Educated Oboe. - No.

Sorry. Guess she's not a member of this local.

But I heard her on The Buddy Atkinson Show.

Oh? Well, here.

Let me give you his address.

Maybe he can help you. Thank you very much.

Oh, hello. Yes?

Are you Buddy Atkinson? That's right.

I heard your broadcast last night---

Oh, yes, and you want an autograph. Uh, no, I--

What is your name? Uh, Oliver Wendell Douglas, but I-I really--

Well, I'll just make it out to Ollie. No, I don't want an autograph.

Well, if you want a picture, you'll have to write to the network.

I don't want a picture. You had a girl on your broadcast last night.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I had 48 girls.

It is an all-girl orchestra, you know.

Yeah-- Except for me.

Yes, of course. I understand. No, this was a very special girl.

Irving and His Educated Oboe-- Or, no. Uh--

Larry and Her-- ♪♪ [ Cello Playing ]

Oh, that's her. Listen.

That's her now. That's not Larry.

Now wait a minute. You can't come in here.

♪♪ [ Sour Note ]

- Lisa. - Oliver!

Now just a moment. This is a private recital.

Out, buster. So this is what goes on in show business, huh?

I'm gonna make an example of you.

Oliver.

So you think you're gonna do that to me, huh?

Oliver.

Will you stop calling me in the middle of a fight?

Take that.

And that's for Lisa.

And that's for all those other innocent girls.

Lisa. Oliver.

Well, that's a fine thing.

First you beat up the boss,

and now you ruin my magic cello.

I'm sorry. Well--

Well, it doesn't matter.

Now that I've found you and you've found me, [ Oliver ] Hold it.

and we found each other, Hold it!

and we can walk into the sunset together-- Hold it!

What did you stop the story for?

Because that's not the way it happened. I never heard such nonsense.

Well, I don't think it's nonsense.

I saw something just like that the other night on the Late, Late Show.

Yes, I think my wife saw the same movie--

The Broadway Gaieties of 1938, with Slim Summerville and Sally Eilers.

Well, it was a lot more "romantical"...

than what really did happen. Oh? What was that?

Nothing. Her father changed his mind, and we got married.

It's as simple as that. Now come on.

We've wasted enough of Mr. Drucker's time. Let's go home.

I don't know why you told Mr. Drucker it was simple.

It was.

Well, it wasn't simple for me. You don't know the fight I had with my family.

They said I was marrying you just to disgrace them.

- What? - They wanted me to marry the count.

- What count? - You know the one.

Who owned the main street of Liechtenstein.

- Oh, that count. - He was very rich.

Lisa, you never did tell me--

Now your father knew I was poor.

Now why did he all of a sudden change his mind about letting you marry me?

I lied to him.

I told him that you were really a wealthy Australian,

and that you hid all your money in the kangaroo pouches,

but that you weren't a very good judge of kangaroos...

because they all ran away with your money.

And he believed you?

I don't care whether he did or didn't.

The main thing is we got married.

And I've never regretted it.

Oh, neither have I.

Good night.

Just a second. That will be 45 cents.

Forty-five-- Well, everything has gone up.

Put it on my bill.

♪♪ [ Cello Playing ]

[ Oliver ] Lisa! Are you gonna play that stupid cello all night?

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.