Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Good morning, Mr. Drucker.

Oh, mornin', Mrs. Douglas. Mr. Douglas. Morning, Mr. Drucker.

Anything for me? [ Sniffs ] Mmm!

- Newt's got a new girlfriend. - [ Sniffing ]

Ooh! She's very pretty.

- [ Sniffing ] - Mr. Drucker,

would you see if you could sniff out some mail for us?

Oh, right here.

That's a bill.

Another bill.

Bill.

Bill.

Bill! That's all.

Uh, Mr. Drucker, do you have to x-ray all my mail?

Oh, it ain't anything to worry about.

As long as I got this hat on, everything's highly confidential.

Yes, well, I-- Isn't there anything from Eb?

- No, ma'am. - Well, that's strange.

I thought we would hear from him by now. He's on his honeymoon.

- He probably hasn't got time to write. - Why not?

Oh, well, uh, he-- Uh, I--

I am worried about him.

You got something else to worry about. Like what?

These bills.

Lisa! Lisa!

- Will you come into the kitchen, please? - I'm doing my nails.

Oh, for--

Lisa.

How do you do?

Lisa, I-- Ah, there you are.

I've been waiting for you. Uh, yes.

When you holler to me to come into the kitchen, I come into the kitchen.

- Yeah, I don't-- - There's one thing about a Hungarian woman--

- She is holler-trained. - Will you be quiet?

That's another thing. We're quiet-trained too.

When a husband tells us to be quiet, we're quiet.

- You through? - With what?

With this silly prattle. I want to talk to you about these bills.

Look-- Do you like this color?

Yes, it's very ni-- I-- It's called "Blushing Bride."

That's another thing about Hungarian women--

All brides are blush-trained.

How long are you gonna keep talking?

Until you forget about the bills.

Well, I'm not about to forget about them. Look here--

shoes, coats, a hat-- $75.

What is this bill here? East River Van and Storage, $96.

We've been getting one of these bills every year for three years.

- Now, for what? - For storing something.

- For storing what? - I don't remember.

How can you store something and not remember what it is?

- I didn't want to lose it. - Try to remember.

Remember what?

What it is that's in storage.

What it is. How about our grand piano?

We don't have a grand piano.

Then it couldn't be that.

Well, I'm not about to go on paying $96 a year...

for storing something when we don't know what it is.

- Well, then don't pay the bill. - Then they'll sell it.

How could they sell your "what-it-is"?

They have that right!

Well, that isn't my idea of democracy in action.

Lisa, the whole argument is silly. I'll call them tomorrow...

and ask them what it is in storage, and we'll-- [ Liquid Splattering ]

What is that?

It's raining.

I told the Monroe brothers to fix that hole!

Well, you wanted the phone in here, so they had to make that...

to get the wire in from the pole.

They didn't have to make-- Here, hold this.

Hello, Sarah? [ Grunts, Groans ]

[ Nasally ] Lisa!

Will you be more-- Uh, Sarah.

I wanna talk to the Monroe brothers.

[ Phone Ringing ] Answer the phone, Ralph.

I answered it last time. It's your turn. [ Ringing Continues ]

- Good evenin', Monroe Brothers. - You stupid knucklehead!

Just a minute. It's for you, Ralph.

Howdy doody, Harvey honey.

This is not Harvey honey. It's Oliver honey.

I mean, uh, it's, uh, Mr. Douglas honey.

Oh, it's you. Is it raining over at your place?

Yes, right through that hole in the ceiling you made.

We made? Just a minute.

Alf, did we make a hole in Mr. Douglas's ceiling?

I don't know. I'll have to look it up in his file.

Alf's looking it up in your file.

You don't have to look it up!

We wanna make sure it's your hole and not somebody else's.

It's mine, all right! Look, I want you over here in the morning to fix it!

- How is it, Ralph? - Fine. I can't see you.

Oh, it's all fixed, Mr. Douglas. Oh, good. Good.

Hello.

Hello?

[ Chuckles ] What's the matter with the phone here?

Hello.

- Who cut the wire? - We did.

- What for? - Well, you didn't want the hole in the ceiling.

If you don't have the hole, you can't have the wire coming through.

I wanted the wire. Then you got to have the hole.

Look, I've to call New York. What am I going to use for a phone?

There's a phone on top of the pole. [ Groans ]

East River Van and Storage Company. May I help you?

- Eh, yes, I'd like to-- - One moment, please.

- Hello? - Hello.

[ Chuckles ] I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to the van and storage.

Did you find out what the "what-is-it" is?

Eh, no-- Hello?

Good morning, East River Van and Storage Company. May I help you?

Uh, yes. My name is Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- So? - Well, I've been storing something there...

- for about three years and I-- - What is it?

Well, I don't know what is it or what it is. That's what I'd like to find out.

Mister, everything stored here is confidential,

and we don't give out information to just any nut that calls.

I'm not just any nut. My name is Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- So? - Will you stop saying "so"?

- So, what do you want me to say? - So, I want you to say...

what is it-- er, what it is that I have...

in st-- I stored there.

Pretty early in the day to be stoned, isn't it?

I am not stoned.

Look, how do I find out what it is I have stored there?

- Did you store it? - No, my wife did.

- Then why don't you ask your wife? - She can't remember.

Oh, she's got a drinking problem too.

No--

Uh, would you send it to me, whatever is it-- it is?

If you will send us a notarized authorization, we will be glad to oblige.

- Thanks. - Well, what it is?

We'll find out when it gets here.

What the-- What is that?

What is what? That big crate!

Where is it from?

Two men delivered this from the East River Van and Storage Company.

Said you ordered it two weeks ago.

They're gonna send you a bill for the freight charges-- $298.

$298?

After they saw the house, I had a hard time convincing 'em you were good for it.

They never told me the charges would be-- Come over here!

What does this mean?

- I'm sure I don't know. - Holy smoke. It's a Dooly Hickens original.

Who is Dooly Hickens?

He's only the greatest "cratewriter" in the county.

Cratewriter?

Most art experts think Dooly's a lot better than Brad Klingwell.

He's a "fencewriter." Oh, he's done some sidewalk work too.

Look, can you open this crate?

Have you got the price book, Ralph? It's in the box.

We have to find out what the freight crate rate is.

The freight crate rate. For this state.

Yeah, we have a state freight crate rate.

Will you-- Here it is.

Opening crates-- $3.10 an hour.

3.10 an hour? I'll open it myself.

Good luck. We'll be working in the bedroom.

And don't come in for any free advice. Don't worry, I won't.

Now, uh, I've got to get something to pry this open with.

Oh, in Hungary they don't use a "pryer."

All you have to do is find the nerve center.

- The what? - The nerve center.

I heard her.

But you didn't understand her.

I could tell from the blank expression on your face.

I thought you were supposed to be working?

Bye. Bye.

What are you doing? Looking for the nerve center.

That's where you push, and then the whole crate falls apart.

Oh, sure, it does.

- That wasn't it. - No, I didn't think so.

- That wasn't it either. - Lisa, you're wasting your time.

You can't op-- [ Creaking ]

- That was it. - How did you--

What-- What is that?

Now I remember! This is the present that I bought you...

for your birthday three years ago that you didn't get.

That was one of the nicest birthdays I ever had.

What do you mean by that? Oh, uh, nothing.

I bought it for you to put it out on the terrace of the penthouse in New York,

but they couldn't get it in the elevator to bring it up, so I put it in the storage.

You mean to tell me, I've been paying $96 a year to store that?

Don't you like it? It's a genuine Stavinsky.

Who's Stavinsky?

Don't you know who Ladislaus Stavinsky is?

Well, I guess I've been spending too much time in the barn lately.

He is a great artist.

He's not a bad plumber either.

Oliver, if you don't like it now, don't worry. It'll grow on you.

Oh, no, it won't. I'm not gonna get that close to it.

Uh, look. Uh--

What does it represent?

I mean, what did the plumber have in mind when he--

he lumped all this together?

Can't you tell? It's a bird's bath!

A bird-- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Now, I can-- No, I can't.

You will, when you see it work.

Turn it on.

[ Hissing ] Ooh! What happened?

Well, you turned on the cat scarer.

The what? It scares away the cats...

while the birds are taking their baths.

Oh! Hey, that's very, uh--

Why don't you fill it up with water,

and we can watch the birds taking their baths.

Don't you think that would be a little embarrassing for them?

Oh, no, no. They don't take off their feathers.

That's why the boy birds and the girl birds can take their baths together.

Well, if it's all right with the authorities, it's all right with me.

Why don't you fill it up and turn it on?

No, no. Not right now.

I'd like to get used to it just sitting there...

not doing anything.

[ Wind Howling ]

[ Pipes Whistling In The Wind ]

[ Whistling Continues ]

Oliver. Huh? What?

You-You-- You're whistling in your sleep.

Oh?

- Oh, I'm sorry. - [ Whistling ]

- That isn't me. - [ Whistling Continues ]

- What is that? - Maybe it's a burglar trying to steal your Stavinsky.

Oh. Well--

Aren't you going to do anything about it?

Yep, I'm gonna call the sheriff first thing in the morning.

Good night. [ Whistling Continues ]

Oliver, they're still there.

If you're not going to do anything about it, I will.

Look, Lisa. If they're gonna steal, I wouldn't interfere.

You might make them mad. You're afraid.

I'm not afraid, I--

I married a chicken husband.

Wait a second.

[ Whistling ]

Ooh! Oh! I'm sorry, darling.

I thought you were the burglar.

There's no burglar out there.

Well, there was somebody out there whistling. There's nobody out there.

I'll show you. [ Clanging ]

[ Oliver Groans ]

If nobody was out there, who hit you?

That thing! I forgot it was in front of the porch. One of the pipes-- Ooh!

[ Whistling ] Shh. He's back again.

Lisa, you know what that is. That's the wind whistling through the pipes.

Oh, now I remember. Mr. Stavinsky designed it...

so that "ven" the "vind" blows it "vistles,"

"Ven the vind blows it vistles."

The "vistle" attracts the birds...

and they know where to come to take their baths. Good night.

Oh, we can't leave it out there. Somebody might steal it.

Good night.

[ Wolf Whistle ]

Doggone, their plumbin' has come right up out of the ground.

Oh, Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas! Sh-Sh-Shh. Quiet. Quiet.

[ Clanging ] [ Oliver Groans ]

- You, stupid-- - [ Shouting ] Mr. Douglas!

Quiet. My wife is sleeping.

- I tell you what I want. - That'll be $98.

What for?

For pushin' your plumbin' back in the ground.

That's not my plumbing. My wife gave that to me.

It's my birthday present. Oh, well, happy birthday.

It was three years ago.

Oh, and you just figured out how to put it together.

- No. It came that way. - Why?

Look, I tell you what I want you to do.

I want you to hook it up to your truck and dump it in Simpson's Swamp.

- [ Shouts ] Simpson's Swamp? - Shh!

- What is it gonna cost me? - Fifty dollars.

[ Shouts ] Fifty dollars! Shh!

Why is it gonna cost me $50?

Well, it shouldn't, but that's the way I am.

I'll give you 10. Now, I want you to hook it up to your truck--

- Hook what up to your truck? - Oh, uh-- Uh, yes. [ Chuckles ]

I was just saying to Mr. Haney, I want him to, uh, hitch this to his truck...

and, uh, take it around to the side of the house.

I thought you said Simpson's Swamp?

Well, I didn't mean Simpson's Swamp.

Well, whatever you mean, it came out Simpson's Swamp.

Good-bye, Mr. Haney.

- That'll be $7.00. - For what?

For almost dumpin' this thing into Simpson's Swamp.

Out! All right.

Oliver, you didn't tell Mr. Haney to take this-- Oh, Lisa.

Why would I do a thing like that?

I love this beautiful birdbath.

It's also a lie detector.

[ Sputtering ] Oh, you miserable--

[ Hissing, Splashing ]

Oliver. Oliver, that's the cat scarer.

[ Hissing ] Th-Th-The what?

On the "birdbatz." The "birdbatz"?

There must be a cat out there bothering the birds. Fine. Fine.

Well, if you're not going to do anything about it--

Oliver. Oh, for--

Come out here. Quick! What's the matter?

- [ Clanging ] - Darling.

It isn't a cat. It's Mr. Kimball.

- Hello there. - Guess what. Mr. Kimball has one of these too.

Well, bully for him.

You have? Oh, not me. My sister's.

Oh, I couldn't afford a real Stavinsky.

Boy, you can't mistake his work though.

Nobody uses tire chains like he does.

Oh, he's pretty good with the faucets too.

- Makes wonderful popcorn, doesn't it? - This one doesn't.

- This is a birdbath. - Oh? Hmm.

Must've been one of his later works.

He did my sister's during his Popcorn Period. Great artist.

You know, there must be something about this that escapes me.

- Has it sneezed for you yet? - Sneezed?

Yes, my sister's sneezes when the wind blows.

- This one vistles. - How about that?

I thought he only made sneezers.

Uh, that must have been during his Gesundheit Period.

Uh, Mr. Kimball, do you think your sister would let us come over...

and look at her Stavinsky?

Oh. Well, she doesn't have it anymore.

She felt guilty about keeping such a great work of art for herself,

so she donated it to the state museum.

- Of what? - Modern art. It's in the main lobby.

Outdrew the Mona Lisa.

People come from all over to watch it make popcorn and listen to it sneeze.

Oh, I can see where that would be a great crowd-pleaser.

Tell you one thing though. Sure knocked the props out of the county museum.

They don't have a Stavinsky.

They don't have a Stavinsky?

Lisa, do you think it's easy for me to part with something like this?

But, Oliver, it is your birthday present.

Yes, but it would be selfish of me to keep a great work of art like this all to myself.

I'm gonna give it to the world! They deserve it.

Oliver, you're a great man.

- Aw, really, I-- - You think more of others than others think of you.

- What? - You're all heart and a mile wide.

Thank you. I'll call the county museum.

All right. But don't worry,

I'm going to buy you something else for your birthday.

Would you like a Latouche?

- Well, I, uh-- - They had a beautiful Latouche...

where I bought the Stavinsky.

It was the model of the Leaning Tower of Pisa made out of paper clips.

Yes, that's fine. But why don't you first let me...

dump the-- er, uh, donate the Stavinsky, huh?

And then we'll talk about the Latouche, hmm?

Mr. Douglas, the man from the museum is here. Oh, I'll be right out.

[ Clanging ]

He'll be right out as soon as his head stops clanging.

Mr. Douglas, this is Mr. Bennett, the man from the museum.

Mr. Bennett, this is Mr. Douglas, the man who just had his head clanged.

[ Chuckles ] Thank you.

And now get back to work, hmm?

Mr. Douglas, I can't tell you how excited I've been ever since you called me.

May I? Yes. Uh, help yourself.

You don't know what it means to the museum to have you donate...

this magnificent work--

What are you trying to pull?

- I beg your pardon? - Trying to palm off a fake Stavinsky?

A fake?

Of course. Everybody knows that Stavinsky never worked in half-inch pipe.

He was strictly a three-quarter-inch man. And as if that weren't enough,

to top it off, look at the tire chains.

- Well, they look all right to me. - Mr. Douglas,

Stavinsky never hung his chains that low.

Well, maybe they slipped down when they shipped it.

And these faucets, they're just not Stavinsky.

I'm afraid I can't accept this poor imitation.

Look, an imitation is better than nothing.

I tell you what I'll do. I'll crate it up for you and ship it off to the museum.

It won't cost you a penny. What is that?

- Oh, that's the crate it came in. - No, I mean, it couldn't be.

But it is. This is a Dooly Hickens--

a real Dooly Hickens.

Why, this is almost as great an example of graffiti as his pickle barrel slat,

with "Henry VIII is a sloppy eater" printed on the side of it.

You must have seen that in New York in the Metropolitan Museum?

Uh, no, no. I don't think I got up to that floor.

Now, about the pipes-- Mr. Douglas,

I know I'm being tremendously presumptuous,

but would you consider donating this to the museum?

Uh, Mr. Bennett, I'll make a deal with you.

If you want the Dooly Hickens,

you've got to take "The Plumber's Friend."

But I-- I don't want to break up the set.

Mr. Douglas, you've got a deal.

Oliver, I miss it.

Miss what? The Stavinsky.

Honey, they took that away three weeks ago.

Well, I still miss it.

Don't you? Yes. And we're not the only ones.

Two birds showed up this morning with a cake of soap, wanted to take a bath.

I hardly knew how to break the news to them.

Well, they could've used our shower.

Uh, 'scuse me, Mrs. Douglas. It's here. I brought it over on the truck.

You brought what over? I wanted it to be a surprise.

Brought what over? Mr. Haney, could you--

Well, darling, birthdays are more important to men,

because women never count them.

And I didn't want you to be without a present,

even though it was three years ago.

So, if you'll come outside, I'll show you what it is. But, Lisa--

Close your eyes. I don't want--

Close them! But I don't--

Close them! And don't open it until I tell you.

Now.

Now. Now you can open them.

Holy smoke, the Eiffel Tower!

Oh, this isn't the real one. This is a life-size model by Latouche.

By La-- Remember the fellow I told you about...

who made a model of the Leaning Tower of Pisa in paper clips?

Yes, but-- This one is all out of wire hangers.

Do you know how many suits he had to have pressed to get enough hangers for this?

Why, over 200!

Oliver? Oliver.

He just turned pale and run into the house.

- I guess he didn't like it. - He's so hard to buy anything for.

What are you gonna do with it?

Well, I guess you better pull it apart, and we'll ship it back.

Yes, ma'am.

Art.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.