Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Holy smoke!

What's the matter? Do you know what time it is?

Ten to 9:00. The way you can tell that is when the little hand...

is on the nine and the big hand is on--

I know how to tell time.

Well! Then what did you ask me for?

The darned alarm didn't go off. I was supposed to get up at 6:00.

Then why don't you go back to sleep?

There will be another 6:00 coming up later on today.

That Eb should've waken me up. We've got a lot of work to do today.

Eb! Eb! [ Ringing ]

Oliver. 6:00-- time to get up.

Oh, for-- [ Ringing Continues ]

Oh, that darned alarm clock!

You can stop ringing now. We're awake. [ Ringing Stops ]

You see, you don't have to yell. You just have to talk nice.

I wasn't yelling. I just-- [ Ringing Resumes ]

- Here! - Shh!

[ Ringing Stops ] There is an old Hungarian saying about that--

I'm not interested in any Hungarian--

Eb! Eb!

Eb, it's 9:00! You up?

Eb! Eb!

Holy smoke-- Ooh!

Eb's gone. Gone?

[ Coffeepot Clatters ] Ohh!

Oh, Lisa! would you please be more-- Where did he go?

It says here in the note that he--

He would have stayed if you had given him the raise.

No, that isn't it. He says here he left--

Because he was sick and tired of you yelling at him.

Lisa, will you let me read the note! [ Ringing ]

So is the alarm clock-- sick and tired. Shh!

[ Ringing Stops ]

Lisa, you wanna hear this? Yes.

Sit down. "Dear Mom and Mr. Douglas."

Isn't that sweet. He calls me "Mom" and you "Mr. Douglas."

Yeah. Yeah.

- "I have eloped." - He eloped with a ladder?

No, I imagine it was a girl.

Well, knowing Eb--

- Oliver, our son is married. - He's not our son.

Well, he's half our son. He called me Mom and you Mr. Douglas.

- Lisa. - Who is the girl?

"The girl and I have been fairly good friends for years.

I can't tell you her name, because I don't want her father to know."

That's strange. You'd think her father would know her name.

Yes, you would.

Uh, "We are going to Niagara Falls on a honeymoon...

"and from there to New York and then to Chicago and the Grand Canyon.

"Then we plan to spend three weeks or more in Hawaii,

depending on how much of my $130 I have left."

That sounds like a wonderful honeymoon.

$130-- they're lucky if they get to Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls. Don't you wish we had gone there on our honeymoon?

- I thought we did. - We went to Atlantic City. Don't you remember?

Oh, yes. I remember the hotel and that small room and the service was terrible.

But I can't remember who I was with.

Well! Don't you remember the black lace nightgown?

Oh, yes. I haven't worn that since.

- Oliver! - "We'll be back in a few weeks.

"I called my cousin Walter, and he agreed to take my place while I'm gone.

Very truly yours, Eb."

I think I'm going to cry. Oh, come on.

- What's there to cry about? - Eb got married.

Let the girl cry. It's her problem.

- We ought to do something for Eb and his wife. - Like what?

Why don't we build a little honeymoon cottage...

with an electrical kitchen and a big bedroom...

with a fireplace and a bay window?

And when they come back, we could move there, and they could have this place.

Lisa, I'm not building anything.

Who's that?

Ah, yes. You Mr. Douglas?

That's right. I'm Eb's cousin, Walter.

Oh, how are you? Nice to have you here.

Say, it sure is a shame about your house.

What did it-- flood or a tornado?

We haven't had a flood or a tornado.

- Well, then, what did happen? - Nothing.

- Would you like to come in? - Is it safe?

- Now, look. You-- - Hello there.

Howdy. This is Eb's cousin, Walter.

Hello, Cousin Walter. I'm Mrs. Douglas.

Well, I'm pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Won't you come in? Thank you.

Oliver, bring in Walter's suitcase.

Say, uh,

you folks ain't hippies, are you? No!

Oh, well, it sure looks like one of them "sick-and-delic" rooms they live in.

Uh, we're not interested in-- You can put my bag down.

Oh, thanks.

Won't you sit down? Yes, ma'am.

Say, this thing is dead, ain't it?

- Yes, it's dead. - Just wanted to make sure.

I once sat on a bearskin rug that grabbed onto me.

Well, it's not a grabber. Isn't it exciting about Eb eloping?

Yeah. Say.

Anybody ever tell you you look like Conway Tearle?

Not recently. Who is "Tonway Curl"?

Conway Tearle. He's an actor. Used to--

Do you know the girl that Eb married?

Well, I know he was sparkin' one of the Ledderman twins,

but I don't know which one it was, Elizabeth or Robert.

Well, it certainly wasn't Robert.

Why not? She was real "purty."

On the other hand, Elizabeth-- He was ugly as sin.

Eh, come on. I'll show you where to put your stuff.

Uh, you can have Eb's room over the barn. Okay.

We, uh-- Uh, oh, wait. Uh, what about your bag?

Oh, you can bring it over later.

Uh, now see here, uh--

Let's get something straight.

I'm not carrying your suitcase.

You're working for me.

If you don't like that arrangement, you go back to wherever you came from.

- Stankwell Falls. - Stankwell--

Come on. Let's get started. I got a lot of things for you to do.

Oh, I can't do 'em today. Why not?

Today's my day off. What?

I always take Wednesdays off. Here, you get Tuesdays.

And Wednesday? Doggone, this is gonna be better than Stankwell Falls.

You get one day off-- Tuesdays. Oh.

Well, I guess that'll be all right. Fine.

Now, come on. I'll show you your room. You can change your clothes.

You don't like my suit? No, it's all right. It's all right.

I mean, get into your work clothes. Oh, yes, sir.

Hello, Eleanor.

Ready, Mr. Douglas. Fine.

Now, the first thing I want you to do is--

- What the-- - Somethin' wrong?

- What are you wearing? - My work clothes.

What kind of work clothes are those?

- I'm a bartender. - Oh, for--

I've been workin' a split shift over at the Stankwell Falls Cocktail Lounge.

Haven't you ever worked on a farm?

Yes, sir. What do you want me to do?

The first thing I want you to do is milk Eleanor.

How do you do that?

I thought you said you worked on a farm.

I did-- Tony's Farm. It was a roadhouse on the outskirts of Stankwell Falls.

You never worked on a real farm?

No, sir.

Why did Eb send you down here? Well, he knew I was out of work.

You see, they suspended the cocktail lounge's liquor license...

[ Huffs ] for havin' a crooked iron claw machine.

A crooked iron claw-- The boss had it gimmicked...

so's all it would pick up was the stale candy.

You couldn't get the radio or the wristwatch or-- Look, Walter.

Walter, I'm afraid I can't use you.

That's okay. Can I have my two weeks' severance pay?

What are you talking about?

It's part of the Bartenders' Union's Minimum Basic Agreement.

I didn't hire you as a bartender!

I'm sorry, sir, but once I put on my workin' clothes,

I come under the Minimum Basic Agreement.

What'll you have, sir?

Would you like to try a Stankwell Falls fizz, sir?

- What's that? - It's two parts applejack,

two parts vermouth, a jigger of maple syrup and a prune.

Oh, boy. Well!

I didn't know it was going to be a formal milking.

I would have worn a long dress.

Walter is a bartender.

Oh. I'll have a martini.

Yes, ma'am. Where do you keep the--

This is not a bar and grill.

Why did you hire a bartender?

I didn't know he was a bartender.

Do you know how to make a Monte Carlo punch?

No, ma'am. But if you'll tell me how, I'll try.

Well, it's two part applejack, two part vermouth,

a jigger of maple syrup and a prune.

Oh, we call that a Stankwell Falls fizz.

Well, it's a small world.

Yes, it is. Uh, Walter.

Eb left me in a tight spot. Would you like to try your hand at farming?

Well, I don't see why not. Good.

Uh, but you can't work in that outfit.

Uh, I'll take you to Drucker's, and get you some overalls.

Fine. Oh, Mr. Douglas. Yeah.

Before we leave, could I make you one for the road?

Eb eloped? Yes. Yes.

Oh, this is, uh, Eb's cousin, Walter.

Walter, this is-- Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

You're the Bloody Mary, easy on the Tabasco,

- but lean on the vodka, right? - [ Stammers ]

I never forget what a customer drinks.

You must have me mixed up with somebody else.

I've never been in the Stankwell Falls Cocktail Lounge.

- How did you know that that's where Walter worked? - [ Stammering ]

- Well, uh, somebody mentioned it. - You did.

Oh, I, uh-- Yeah. Well, I-I may have stopped in there once.

Gladys sends her love.

Gladys?

She was a cocktail waitress. She had a thing for Sam. Ohh!

Oh, yeah. Well, it was nothing. Uh, what can I do for you, Mr. Douglas?

She named the baby George. What?

Oh, well, I-- [ Clears Throat ]

Finally gave up on Sam and married the fry cook...

- down at the Elk's Hall. - Elk's Hall.

Uh, what can I do for you, Mr. Douglas?

Well, uh, we want some overalls for Walter here.

Oh, they're right over there. Help yourself.

I-I, uh-- I can't get over Eb runnin' off and gettin' married like that.

Yes. Yes. It was a shock to us too.

I've justiced of the peace every elopement in the valley in the last 30 years.

I don't know why he'd go to somebody else. Ain't nobody can beat my rates.

- I'm sure that-- - My ceremony ain't fancy, but it lasts.

Yes, I'm sure that he--

For $8.00, you get the ceremony,

a framed copy of the weddin' certificate,

a list of a dozen discount honeymoon hotels...

and a half a bag of throwin' rice.

Mr. Drucker, I'm sure that Eb missed a great bargain.

Say, uh, who was that girl that Eb ran off with?

I don't know. He didn't say.

How are these? Oh, yes, yes. Fine.

Uh, you'll need a pair of work shoes now.

They're right over there in those boxes.

Hey, guess what I just heard at the bank? [ Chuckles ]

No, couldn't have been the bank. That's been closed for 15 years.

Oh, I must have heard it in the, uh--

No, we don't have one of those in Hooterville. Do we?

- What did you hear? - About what?

- I'm sure I don't know. - Then what did you ask me for?

- Well, you said you heard-- - Oh, that.

Guess who ran off and eloped? Eb.

Who told ya? He left us a note.

Any place I can try this stuff on?

- Oh, in the back. - Say, don't I know you?

Oh, uh, this is Eb's cousin, Walter. Walter, this--

Don't tell me. He's the scotch and goat's milk.

Scotch and goat's milk?

With a slice of orange and two olives.

Yuck!

Now I remember him. He was the, uh, whatchamacallit over at the whos-its.

Sam and I used to go over there every Saturday night.

Sam would hang around Gladys.

I hung around the iron claw machine.

He didn't do as good as I did.

At least I got a drawer full of stale candy out of it.

Look, Hank, you don't have to tell everybody about--

Say, who did Eb marry?

We don't know. All he said in the note was that he eloped.

Oh, the same kind of note my father left my mother when he eloped.

No, that isn't right. He wouldn't have left my mother a note,

because he eloped with her.

Guess he left me the note. No, he wouldn't have left me the note,

because I wasn't even born yet.

Come to think of it, I don't even think he left a note.

Mr. Kimball, would you mind--

Say, do you want me to look for somebody to take Eb's place?

Oh, uh, Walter's gonna work for me.

Oh, gonna open up a bar and grill, huh?

Smart move, the way you run a farm.

- Walter is gonna be my hired hand. - Oh, he ever done any farmin'?

No. I'm going to teach him.

You're going to teach him? [ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

What's so funny?

Oh, uh, nothing. Except, uh-- [ Chuckling ]

[ Laughing ] I have learned enough about farming...

in the last couple of years to be able to teach him.

- How's this? - Oh, that's fine. Fine.

Now, all you need is a work shirt, and we're all set.

Now, all you have to do is go down each row and hoe out the weeds.

You think you can do that?

Just because I'm Eb's cousin doesn't mean I'm stupid.

I didn't say that. Uh, are there any questions?

- Just one. What time is lunch? - 12:00.

Uh, do you bring it out to me, or do I come in for it?

You come in for it.

- How long do I get for lunch? - One hour.

Does that include walkin' to the house and walkin' back?

No, I send a car for you.

Oh. That's fine.

Walter, just do your work. You'll have plenty of time for lunch.

- What are those for? - Wine glasses.

I thought as long as we have a bartender, we ought to have wine for lunch.

- Oh, why did Eb have to elope? - Don't you wish you had eloped?

With whom?

You know, we could have eloped, but your mother insisted on a big church wedding...

so you could show all your friends that you finally hooked a man.

How would like to have a hot lap? Whoa! Wait! I'm teasing!

I was the one that wanted the big wedding...

so I could show all my friends how lucky I was to get such a beautiful girl.

- What was her name again? - Oliver!

You're cute. Oh.

Where's Walter? He should've been here for lunch an hour ago.

I'd better go and see if anything's wrong.

Walter!

What have you done?

Just what you told me-- pulled up all the weeds.

You knucklehead! You pulled up the corn!

These are the weeds! Are you sure?

[ Sighs ] They look a lot healthier than that junk.

Oh, for-- Well, I'll be glad to put the junk...

back in the ground for you, Mr. Douglas. No.

If you wanna do something, drive the tractor in.

Yes, sir. [ Groans ]

- You do know how to drive, don't you? - Yes, sir. I'm very mechanical.

I used to fix the iron claw machine down at the lounge.

[ Tractor Motor Starts ] Well, that isn't a--

Don't worry. [ Gears Grinding ]

It sounds a little bit like the iron claw machine.

- That's not an iron-- - Nothing to it! See you back at the house.

[ Groans ]

He went through the fence, and then he plowed up four acres of tomatoes.

And then he went across the road, pausing just long enough...

to take the front end off a highway patrol car...

and came to a gentle stop in the Ziffels' living room.

I figure the whole jaunt won't cost me any more than...

$2,800.

Well, he's never done any farming before. He'll learn.

Not on my farm, he won't. I told him to pack up and-- [ Knocking ]

That's probably Walter now for his money.

- Howdy, Mrs. Douglas. Mr. Douglas. - Hello, Mr. Haney.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, would you mind steppin' outside for a moment?

I wanna get your okay on somethin'. Okay?

Thank you.

Now, if you'll just sign right here.

- Sign what? - What you just okayed.

I didn't okay anything.

Oh. Well, if you'll just step outside then.

Certainly.

He said me, not you.

Ooh! What the-- What is that?

- Classy, ain't it? - It certainly is.

- Lisa, will you-- - Smartest move you ever made, Mr. Douglas--

givin' up farmin' and turnin' this place into a cocktail lounge.

I'm not turning this place into a cocktail lounge.

Then why did you hire a bartender?

I didn't hire a bartender.

Well, now, step over here, folks.

Beautiful, ain't it? I like it better than the sign.

Is the length satisfactory?

Well, it isn't as big as the one they had at the Stork Club.

That's where I met Mr. Douglas. He was sitting at one end of the bar...

and I was sitting at the other, and he kept giving me the eye.

I wasn't giving you the eye. I was trying to attract your attention.

You were hogging the pretzels. I never saw such a pretzel hogger in my life.

Well! If that's what you thought I was doing,

then why did you ask me to pay for your drink?

Folks, I sure enjoy listenin' to your reminiscin',

but, uh, there's another fella over in Pixley that, uh, wants to buy this.

- He can have it. - Mr. Douglas,

you don't wanna pass up a great bargain like this.

- Yes, I do. - No, he doesn't.

- Lisa, will you-- - I'll make you a good price on it.

I wouldn't have it at any price.

They weren't pretzels. They were peanuts.

So you're a peanut hogger.

Shall we get back to the distressed merchandise?

I picked this up at a "now-defuncted" cocktail lounge in Stankwell Falls.

Now, not only do you get this bar, but you also get...

this complete amusement center,

consisting of one iron claw machine.

They had one of those in the Stork Club.

- I never saw it. - It was in the ladies' room.

Oh. Shall we step over to the bar...

and wrap up the deal? Look. Look, I-I've--

Mr. Haney, do you have change for a dollar? Yes, ma'am.

Lisa, you can't win anything on this. It's crooked.

That's why they "defuncted" the, uh--

er, closed the Stankwell Falls Lounge.

Here is your dollar change, ma'am.

Thank you. My husband will give you the dollar.

I won't give him anything.

I'll just put it on your bar bill. Now, if you'll just step over here.

Please, will you let go of me. I--

Notice that bar rail?

That's made out of genuine plastic brass,

which is guaranteed to outlast the real thing 2-to-1.

I don't care if it's made out of-- Oliver.

Do you want some stale candy?

I told you you're wasting your money on that thing.

Now, try and slip.

What? This bar top is made out of ripple wood,

which is famous for not skiddin' under any conditions.

Not only does it keep the customers from falling off-- Oliver.

- Do you need a wristwatch? - Did you get that in there?

Mr. Douglas, now I hate to say this, but I think your wife is dishonest.

'Cause that wristwatch was glued down tight.

You think she's dishonest, and you glued the wristwa--

Now, you will notice that the bar stools are equipped...

with the safety belt as prescribed by the motor vehicle code.

It keeps the customer from falling into the path of an oncomin' beer truck.

Mr. Haney, that's the most ridiculous-- [ Machine Clatters ]

Oliver, do you want a "transministor" radio?

Fine! Mr. Douglas,

if your wife continues doin' that,

I'm gonna have your liquor license took away.

I don't have a liquor license.

You don't have liquor license? [ Machine Clattering ]

Oliver, do you need a liquor license?

Did you get that--

Now, Mr. Douglas, you've got your license,

and you're all set up for business.

You just need one more thing-- a cocktail waitress.

Gladys!

My eyes are goin' bad on me.

Give him the come-on smile, Glad. [ Laughs ]

No customer can resist that.

You oughta see the way Glad passes amongst the tables.

Really makes the customers thirsty.

I can see where she'd drive a man to drink.

That smile near ruined Sam Drucker's life.

I've had about all I can stand for one day!

Now, you take your nonskid bar and your safety-belt bar stool...

and your gay '90s B-girl and-- Mr. Douglas!

Cocktail time. Your Stankwell Falls fizz, sir.

Oliver, that's the first time I ever saw a drink hit you like that.

It was the prune. The pit went down the wrong way.

What are you going to do about Walter?

I don't know, but I'm not gonna make any decisions tonight.

I'm gonna go to bed-- [ Knocking ]

Who is that? [ Knocking Continues ]

Just a minute!

Oh, glad you're still open.

What are you talking-- We saw your sign from the road.

Come on, Mabel. What are you--

There's been a--

What'll it be, folks?

Oh, for--

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.