Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Typing ] [ Switchboard Buzzes ]

Oh, for cryin' out loud!

[ Buzzing ]

Hello. Who do you wanna talk to?

Newt Kiley? Just a second.

I have to find out which hole to plug in for him.

Newt Kiley. Kiley. Newt Kiley, five by four.

One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four.

Hello, Mr. Kiley? I got a call for ya.

Oh, Mrs. Wilson? I'm sorry I disturbed you,

but according to Mrs. Douglas's plug chart, you're supposed to be Newt Kiley.

Well, don't complain to me. Complain to Mr. Douglas.

He owns this dingbat company.

No, he's not here. Well, where do you think he'd be this time of year?

He's out in the fields squeezing his "termaters."

[ Tires Skid ]

Hi, Mr. Douglas. Hi there, Mr. Kimball.

Say, I'm glad you're here. I wanted to ask you--

Yeah, be with you in a moment.

Agent Kimball calling Headquarters. Agent Kimball calling Headquarters.

[ Man, Garbled ]

You're coming over loud and clear.

Well, not clear but loud.

My present location is, uh-- Whose farm is this, Mr. Douglas?

- Oh, boy. - The Oboy Farm.

- Any instructions? - [ Garbled ]

Yeah, your transmission understood. Over and out.

Yeah, the chief installed these in all the county agents' vehicles...

so he could keep his men at his beck and call.

Which reminds me, did I call Beck today?

I'm sure I don't know.

You see, the chief's on an efficiency kick.

I don't mean he goes around kicking people in their efficiency.

I mean, trying to put some snap in the boys.

Whoops, time to check in again.

Say, do you see a microphone around here?

Oh, you had it. Well, you'd better watch it.

This is official equipment.

Agent Kimball calling Headquarters. I'm presently at, uh--

- Where am I? - Oh, for--

- The Ofor place. - Uh, Mr. Kimball, I--

Over and out. Modern communication's a wonderful thing.

Yeah, back in the old days, if I wanted to get in touch with the chief,

I'd have to stop, get out, light a fire, send out a smoke signal.

Hope the Indians' secretary was looking out the window.

Yeah, those days are gone, except for the Indian secretary.

The chief still keeps her around to patch his canoe.

Well, there's nothing like having your own canoe patcher.

Yeah, he's impressed by those status symbols.

Uh, Mr. Kimball, I'd like to ask you a question.

When do you think these will be ready to pick?

Oh, depends upon what they are.

Yeah, if they're radishes, you should have picked them three days ago.

If they're crab apples, yeah, it's too soft.

And if they're peas, geez, these are the wrong color.

These are tomatoes.

They are? Yes.

Oh, yes, they are. Well, Mr. Douglas, you've done it again.

I don't know what you've done, but you sure have a lot of 'em.

I resent your sarcasm. Just tell me when they'll be ready to pick.

Oh, uh, four, five days, yeah.

I'll drop by then, see how many pickers you're gonna need to help ya.

Then all I have to do is get on the horn, call the picking pool and say,

"Send 10 pickers to the Ofor place."

And those pickers will be here just like that.

[ Tries Snapping Fingers ]

I think I got something wrong with my snapper.

That's not the only thing you've got something wrong with.

[ Snaps Fingers ] Oh, it's working again.

Yes, sir, thanks to modern communication,

you can have your pickers here just like that. [ Tries Snapping Fingers ]

It's broken again.

Mr. Kimball, when I need the pickers, I'll telephone the pool myself.

By the time you get that dingbat telephone company of yours to work,

I could call the pool 10 times and say,

"Send 20 pickers to the Ofor place."

And those pickers will be over here just like that.

[ Tries Snapping Fingers ] Doggone.

You don't know a good snapper repairman, do you?

Mr. Kimball, I resent your implication...

that my telephone company is not giving good service.

It's not my implication. It's the chief's.

He got in trouble with his wife the other night because there was no one at the switchboard,

when he tried to call and tell her that he had to stay late at the office...

to have his canoe patched.

Well, you tell the chief that the telephone company is now functioning normally.

Oh, you got an operator? Yes, Eb is at the switchboard.

No, he's not. Eb, what are you--

I quit. You hired me to be a hired hand, not a hello girl.

All my friends are calling up and trying to make a date with me.

You know how fellas are with telephone girls.

You mean to tell me there's nobody at the switchboard?

- Don't worry. I put it on automatic pilot. - Automatic--

Yeah, I plugged everybody into everybody else.

If anybody wants to talk to anybody, they'll just have to take potluck.

Eb, I depended on you. Oliver.

Oliver, lunch is ready.

Oh, as if I didn't have enough trouble.

What did you say?

He said he's got enough trouble without getting heartburn.

Eb.

Well, that's a nice thing to say...

after I went to all the trouble of making you chicken noodle soup.

I'll be right there. Would you like to stay for lunch?

- I sure would. - I am talking to Mr. Kimball.

About what? Oh, lunch. Yes, I--

- [ Garbled ] - Yes, Chief?

[ Garbled ]

Right away. Yeah, I guess I'll have to skip lunch.

Gotta get back to headquarters There's an emergency.

Chief just put his foot through his canoe again.

Through his--

Yeah, looks like we're in for another long night of canoe patching.

Eb, either you're going back to the switchboard, or-- Oliver. Oliver.

Lunch is ready. I'm coming.

What were you yelling at Eb about?

He left the switchboard. There's nobody at the phone company.

Why, what difference does it make?

Lisa, I took over the phone company...

to prove that I could give the valley good phone service.

Well, now that you proved that you can't, why don't you forget about it?

I'm not about to. It's important for the farmer to be able to call for--

- What is that? - Hot water soup.

- Hot water soup? - Soup made out of hot water.

Just plain hot water?

What else you put in a hot water soup?

You might put a bouillon cube in it.

Why then it wouldn't be hot water soup.

You said you were going to make chicken noodle.

Well, it isn't my fault. It's the chicken's.

I looked at every one of them, and none of them had noodles on them.

Lisa, you don't--

All they had was feathers. And I didn't think that you wanted chicken feather soup.

No, they might tickle my--

Drink your soup while the water is hot.

Nobody in their right mind would drink hot water soup.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting. I-- Oh, boy, hot water soup!

Nobody in their right mind would, hmm?

That's what I said, and there's your living proof.

If you call that living.

Golly, I always say Mrs. Douglas makes the best hot water soup in the valley.

- You like it? - Oh, yeah. It's finger-licking good.

Fine. We'll put some in a bowser bag for you.

You can drink it while you're at the switchboard.

I'm not gonna run the switchboard.

Just till I find a regular operator.

No, sir. Eb--

[ Knocking ] Who the--

That's a switch. He usually says, "What the--"

I guess he's in more of a "who the--" mood today.

Yes. Howdy. I'm from the pickin' pool.

The picking-- Yes, sir. My name's Whotha.

Harold Whotha.

I got your pickers on the truck. Pickers? What the--

No, Whotha. Harold Whotha.

I could only get 12. I'll bring the other 18 over later.

Eighteen? No, there's been some mistake.

Mistake?

No, Kimball called in for 30. See, it says right here.

Thirty pickers. Oh, for--

That's right, the Ofor place.

You Mr. Ofor? Yes, Oliver Wendell Ofor.

Look, I don't need any pickers till next week.

But it says today, Mr. Ofor.

My name is not Ofor. But you just said Oliver Wendell Ofor.

Yeah, I was being sarcastic. My name is Douglas.

Oh, Douglas Ofor.

Look, let me try to explain.

Mr. Kimball was showing me how the shortwave radio works, you see?

So, he picked up the microphone and he called and said,

"Send 10 pickers over to the Ofor place."

But he really didn't mean to the Ofor place. What he meant was--

The microphone wasn't supposed to be on.

And he-- Hello there.

Oh, uh, this is my wife. Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Ofor.

Who is Mrs. Ofor? You are.

Uh, what about the pickers, Mr. Ofor?

No, I told you, that was a mistake. I'll call Mr. Kimball and--

[ Snaps Fingers ] I can't call Mr. Kimball. There's nobody at the switchboard.

Well, there's no hurry. We get paid by the hour.

It's your money, Mr. Ofor.

Oh, I have no intention of-- Wait a minute.

Uh, anybody on the truck here know how to operate a switchboard?

Sí.

Who the-- Yes, sir?

Uh, no, I mean who said that?

Oh, that's Carmelita. Carmelita, would you come on down here, please.

Sí.

Buenos días. Hello there.

I am Mrs. Ofor, and this is my husband.

Are you still using the same name?

Stop. Uh, young lady, do you know how to operate a switchboard?

- Sí. - You've run one before?

- Sí. - You speak English?

Sí, I talk a bunch of English.

She used to pick bananas in Guatemala.

Uh, Miss.

You, uh-- I don't think you can really handle the job.

You see, your English isn't-- What's wrong with it?

When I first came here, I used to speak worse English than she did,

- but in Hungarian. - Lisa--

Just because a person isn't born with a silver tongue in their mouth,

- doesn't mean that they can't learn. - Lisa, she--

When your father first came to this country, he couldn't speak English.

My father was born in this country.

Speaking English?

Well, not right at the start.

Well, then she can do the same thing.

- Eb! - I'm not gonna run the switchboard.

Oh, you miserable--

Well, I guess that leaves you with your feet over a barrel.

Whatever it was you said, I guess it does.

Well, Carmelita, you got the job. I'm stuck.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Hungarian ] You understand?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Hungarian ] [ Speaking Spanish ]

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

You're talking Hungarian, and she's talking Spanish, and you understand each other?

- Of course. - Oh, that's impossible.

Oh, now you're against the United Nations.

Who said anything about the United Nations?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

[ Speaking Spanish ] [ Speaking Hungarian ]

Buenos días. This is your Hooterville operator.

Who you wanna talk on?

Mr. Ziffel? One moment por favor.

Aye, Mr. Ziffel.

Two over and three down.

Uno, dos.

Uno, dos, tres.

[ Sam ] Hello? Mr. Ziffel?

- No, this is Sam Drucker. - Oh, well, I'm calling Mr. Ziffel.

- Oh, you have the wrong number. - No, I got the right number. You got the wrong phone.

I think you made a mistake.

Hang up. I'm gonna pull you out.

[ Loud Click ]

Hello? Would you like to talk to Mr. Drucker?

I know where to plug him.

Oh, you're sticking with Mr. Ziffel.

One moment, por favor. I will have to check with el presidente.

What do you wanna do with the pickin' boxes?

[ Ringing ]

I wanna put a couple at the end of each row...

so that when the pickers arrive, they'll save time.

[ Ringing ]

Well, you go right ahead. I won't get in your way.

Well, that's very nice of you, but you're gonna do it.

[ Ringing ]

Why does it always work out that way? Because you're the--

[ Switch Clicking ]

[ Ringing ]

That darn phone.

Lisa, the phone is ringing. Answer it!

I can't. I'm in the shower.

In the-- Gosh, I hope she doesn't use up all the hot water.

I'd like some more soup. Look--

[ Phone Ringing ] Oliver, the phone is still ringing.

I'll get it.

He'll be right there.

I'm still ringing el presidente.

I am sorry. The only way you can get through to Mr. Ziffel is through el presidente.

Hello there. I was wondering when you were going to show up to answer the phone.

What are you doing taking a shower this time of day?

Now he's a bath monitor. [ Ringing Continues ]

[ Ringing ]

- Hello? - El Presidente?

- What? - This is Carmelita. Is this Presidente Ofor?

My name is Douglas.

I don't think it would look right to call el presidente by his first name.

- What's your problem? - I have a call for Mr. Ziffel,

but I don't know where to plug him in.

- Look at the chart my wife made. - I did,

and it says Ziffel is a two by three.

But that's not Mr. Ziffel, that's Mr. Drucker.

- Try three by two. - Sí, presidente.

- And stop calling me-- - Hang up. I'm gonna pull your plug.

[ Loud Click ]

You can take the shower now. I don't wanna take a shower.

Well, then why did you tell me to get out? To answer the phone.

But you already answered it. Forget it.

I gotta finish laying out the boxes for the pickers.

- [ Ringing ] - Lisa, will you answer that?

What did you get back in the shower for?

Well, you didn't want to take one.

- Oh, for-- - [ Ringing ]

I'm coming.

[ Ringing ]

- Hello? - El presidente?

- Sí. - I tried the three by two.

It's not Mr. Ziffel, it's Mr. Miller.

Look, I'm trying to get ready for the pickers. Can't you figure it out for yourself?

- Don't holler! - You told me you knew how to run a switchboard.

You think you can run the board better?

You're darn right I could. I-- [ Hangs Up ]

Hello. Y-- Hello?

Hello!

Oh, you miserable--

What happened? I think Carmelita quit.

What now, el presidente?

Well, I'll tell you what now.

I'm gonna get rid of that phone company once and for all.

You wanna run this as a full-page ad, Mr. Douglas? That's right.

Doggone, nobody ever run a full-page ad in the World Guardian before.

- It's too expensive. - How much?

- Cost you eight dollars. - Eight dollars?

- Well, everything's going up. - That'll be okay.

Well, let me see if I've got the wordin' right.

"For Sale: Hooterville Telephone Company.

"No reasonable offer refused. Contact Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Post office box"--

Wouldn't you rather put your phone number in the ad, Mr. Douglas?

How's anybody gonna call me? I closed the office.

- You mean the phones ain't workin'? - I'm afraid not.

Well, doggone it, Mr. Douglas, you know what you've done?

You've cut Hooterville off from the world.

I doubt if they'll miss it.

But this is the heart of the pickin' season. People need their phones.

Mr. Drucker, I'm sorry. I did the best I could. I've got my own farm to run.

Howdy, gentlemen. Hi there, Mr. Haney.

Eh, Mr. Douglas, do you want this ad set in--

Mr. Douglas, I wonder if you'd mind if I cut in here for a moment.

It's very important. Go right ahead.

I wanna take out a full-page ad in the World Guardian.

- You too? - Is somebody else taking out a full-page ad?

I am. Oh.

- What do you want in your ad, Haney? - Uh,

"Telephone company wanted by big spender.

Money no object."

Mr. Haney, I know this will come as a big surprise to you,

but I'm taking out an ad to sell my telephone company.

You have a telephone company for sale?

I knew you'd be surprised.

I didn't expect such quick results from my ad.

Uh, Mr. Haney, I'm looking for a serious buyer.

Well, now would I take out a full-page ad if I wasn't serious?

Shall we get down to the dickerin'?

Uh, just a moment.

If I were to sell it to you, would you promise to give the valley...

efficient, conscientious service?

Mr. Douglas, I promise to give it my full time and attention.

Well-- Now about the dickerin'. How much?

Five hundred dollars?

[ Snaps Fingers ] It's a deal.

Well, there are the keys.

Thank you. Now where's my $500?

Your $500?

You're supposed to pay me.

Well, that ain't what you said in your full-page ad.

It says "no reasonable offer refused."

And I think $500 to take that rinky-dink outfit off of your hands...

is more than reasonable.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you the telephone company...

and the eight dollars I was gonna pay for the ad.

Just make the check out to Haney Telephone Company.

- I think they're ripe, Mr. Douglas. - I'm about to--

- Yes, they are. - That's very--

- Better get the pickin' crew in. - Yeah.

Where's Kimball and his two-way radio?

I don't know. Mr. Drucker usually knows where he is.

I'll call him. You start picking. Yes, sir.

Haney Telephone Company. Good morning.

Oh, hello, Mr. Haney. How's it going?

Just fine. Anything else you wanna know?

- No. - Then I'll just put you down for 50 cents.

- What for? - You asked how everything was going,

and that comes under the heading of information.

And all information calls are 50 cents.

How can you charge 50 cents for information?

It'll cost you another 50 cents for the information...

on how I can charge 50 cents for information.

Get me Mr. Drucker.

Station to station or person to person?

What are you talking about?

- Are you asking for information? - No.

Well, it sounded to me like you was.

Why don't we just split the difference, and I'll put you down for a quarter.

How can you possibly char--

No, let me rephrase that. Drucker's is a local call.

Not since I re-zoned the valley.

You re-zoned the valley?

In answer to your 50-cent question, yes.

Get me Drucker's.

Yes, sir.

- Hello. - Oh, hello, Mr. Drucker.

I'm sorry, your three minutes are up. That'll be another two dollars.

Two dollars? That's highway robbery.

I haven't even talked to Mr. Drucker. I've been talking to you.

It don't make no difference who you talk to.

It's two dollars for three minutes.

Look, you-- Oh, Mr. Drucker.

- Yes, sir. - [ Bell Dings ]

I'm sorry. Your three minutes are up.

That'll be another two dollars.

Don't tell me it was three minutes. It couldn't have been more than 10 seconds.

All I said was, "Do you know where"-- [ Bell Dings ]

- Wait a minute! - I'm sorry about that.

My bonger went off half cocked.

Haney, what are you trying to pull?

That'll be 50 cents on your bill, Sam.

Look, Haney, I ain't gonna pay you any 50 cents for--

[ Bell Dings ]

Now whose bill do I put that last bong on?

Forget it. I'll find Mr. Kimball myself.

- Oliver, is this one ripe? - Yes.

- What about this one? - Don't you know anything about picking tomatoes?

No, I never did any tomato picking.

- Just lint picking. - What?

Well, when my father owned the Budapest Dry Cleaning Company,

I used to pick the lint of the pants pockets before he pressed them.

Keep picking.

What happened to all those pickers you were gonna get?

By the time I found Kimball, they were all working.

It's gonna take us three weeks to pick these and-- Stop pushin'!

Move! Now see here, Fred.

You heard him, move. Hello, Mr. Haney.

Just keep picking.

What's going on here? You need some help?

I certainly do. Start pickin', Haney.

- Now, see here. - It's either that, or the tar and the feathers.

Tar and feathers? We're teaching Haney a lesson...

for trying to gouge the valley with those phone calls.

I wasn't gouging.

Now, I'll admit I got a little overanxious with my bonger.

- What's a bonger? - Keep picking.

Uh, look, I do need his help,

but he ought to be back at the phone company. He decided to give that up.

You mean you found someone stupid enough to take over?

We sure have. Give him the keys, Haney.

Wait. Oh, hey, no! Nice to have you back at the helm.

- I don't wanna be back-- - Three cheers for el presidente.

[ All ] Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé!

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.