Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

Oliver. Hmm.

The alarm clock is ringing.

[ Phone Continues Ringing ]

- You didn't shut it off. - Yes, I shut it off.

- [ Ringing ] - Then it must be the front door bell.

What's the idea? This time of morning,

these nuts come calling, bothering... people.

- [ Ringing ] - We don't have a front door bell.

Oh? Then I guess it's the phone.

It's 5:00 in the morning. Who's calling us?

[ Ringing Continues ] What the--

What do you want? I just wanted to tell you the phone's ringin'.

Why didn't you answer it? I'm afraid to climb the pole.

I suffer from "high-throphobia."

There's no such thing as "high-throphobia."

Who was it? I haven't answered it yet.

Oh, I thought you were on your way down.

If there's no such thing as high-throphobia, then what am I suffering from?

I don't know. You'll have to ask a brain specialist.

[ Phone Continues Ringing ]

Boy, ever since he became president of the phone company, he's been unbearable.

No, he was unbearable before.

- Hello? - Good morning, Mr. Ziffel. It's 5:00 a.m.

This is not Mr. Ziffel. This is--

Oh, excuse it, please.

Of all the--

[ Ringing ]

- Hello? - Good morning, Mrs. Bennett.

It's 5:03.

This is not Mrs. Bennett.

Sure sounds like her.

This is Mr. Douglas.

Why are you answering everybody's phone?

Because you keep ringing me.

That's strange. I'm not plugged in to you.

Then there must be something wrong with the switchboard.

I don't think so. My coffee's percolating like it always does.

- What? - I plug my hot plate into Pixley...

and Crabwell Corners and it works like a charm.

No wonder the board is fouled up. You probably shorted something out.

Now, I don't want you plugging your hot plate into the switchboard anymore.

My son let me do it when he owned the company.

Well, he doesn't own the company now.

Now, unplug it and watch what number you ring.

It's no fun climbing up and down this pole.

- What pole? - The pole my telephone is on.

What's it doin' on a pole?

That's where your son put it when he owned the company.

He said that-- Get me your son.

Oh, I can't wake Roy this early in the morning.

Well, you woke me up, so wake him.

Hold on.

[ Phone Ringing ]

- Hello! - Good morning, Roy dear.

Oh, Mom. Somethin' wrong?

Oh, no. I just had a little go-around with Mr. Douglas.

Oh? What's wrong with the ding-a-ling?

Just a minute, Mr. Trendell. I resent your calling me a--

Oh, is that you, ding?

What are you doing, listening in on all the calls?

No, I'm calling you.

Well, call me back. I haven't had my coffee yet.

Neither have I. He made me unplug my hot plate.

He did? Now look here, Douglas--

You look here. I wanna move this phone from off of my pole.

Well, what are you calling me for? It's not my company anymore.

I know. You never told me who does the repair work for the company.

All right, I'll bring over the belt and the tools.

Trendell sent it over. That's very nice of him. What is it?

That's the Hooterville Telephone Company Repair Department.

How did I ever get mixed up with this?

Well, whatever you're mixed up with, you're the president.

The president of what? A broken-down switchboard,

an old lady with a hot plate and an imitation leather tool belt.

It shows what a wonderful country America is.

Yes.

Well, it is. Two weeks ago, you were nothing but a plain old dirty farmer,

planting your little seeds in the ground and watching them "shoosting."

And today, you are the president of the telephone company.

Oh. Well, why you's is a regular Horatio Algebra story.

Horatio-- You know, where the little boy,

Honest Harry, started out with nothing but a shoeshine box,

and ended up taking over the bank.

Oh, yes, yes, that was the kid that kept the gun in his shine box.

No, that was his brother, Nasty Tom.

He doesn't come under the heading of Horatio Algebra.

Look, Lisa-- But you do.

You became president without a shoeshine box.

I am very proud of you. Well, thank you.

But if I could figure out a way to unload this phone company--

Howdy doody. Hi.

Oh, Frick and Frack are back.

No, it's Alf and Ralph, the Monroe brothers.

Well, I hardly recognize them. I haven't seen them in several months.

I detect a note of sarcasm, don't you, Ralph?

Yeah, with overtones of nastiness.

I have a right to be nasty.

You started on this room six months ago, and you never finished it.

What's he talkin' about? Well, I don't know. Looks finished to me.

The door still falls off. The walls aren't plastered. The floors are not finished.

Oh, yeah, there are a few minor things.

Look, you two-- Where have you been? We missed you.

Oh, we've been working in the Orient for the past couple of months.

- The Orient? - Yeah, the Orient Chop Suey Palace...

over at the county seat.

- Yeah, we remodeled the Opium Den. - The Opium--

That's what they call the cocktail lounge. Cute, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Oliver, we ought to go there sometime.

They have wonderful food. For $1.40, you get egg roll, chicken chop suey,

fried rice and sweet and sour fortune cookies.

Sweet and sour--

And for four people, they add corn beef and cabbage.

Why don't we go there tonight?

It's okay with me. Me too.

I'm not gonna have dinner in some crummy Opium Den.

Well, if you don't come with us, there'll just be three of us.

We won't get the corn beef and cabbage.

Maybe you could get me a date.

Lisa. But it's a shame to waste corn beef and cabbage...

just because I'm single.

Look. Why don't you go finish the dishes.

You haven't been here for two months.

So instead of standing around here socializing, why don't you get to work?

Oh, that's not why we're here.

No, we got this phone bill from you while we were in the Orient.

And a nasty letter saying that if we don't pay the bill, you're gonna take our phone out.

That's right.

Here. Save you the trouble.

You have no right to cut the--

You had no right to send us a bill. We made all those calls before you owned the company.

That doesn't make any difference. You owe the company, and I now own the company.

That's right. Put the screws on the little people.

Yeah, bleed us. Walk on our fingers.

- How much is your bill? - $8.20.

For six months of service.

$8.20 for six months?

See? Even he can't believe it.

That's $1.37 a month.

Well, that's more than we make some months.

Especially when certain people don't pay us for the work we've done.

How about that, Mr. Certain?

When this bedroom is finished, you'll be paid.

All right, when it's finished, you call us, and we'll come around for our money.

How can he call us? He took our phone out.

Look, you owe the phone company $8.20. I'll tell you what I'll do.

Don't turn your back, Alf. This is where he takes out the shiv.

You want to hear my proposition?

Sure, honey.

I'll forget the $8.20.

That's fine. Oh, thanks, Mr. Douglas.

I am not finished. I was going to say I'll forget the $8.20--

That's great. Thanks, Mr. Douglas.

Will you let me finish?

I'd like the phone taken down from the top of the pole,

and a wire run from there into the phone in the kitchen.

Now do you think you can do that? Well, sure.

Phone work's a cinch. You've done it before?

Well, we cut the wire off that one, didn't we?

I'm talking about connecting wires and splicing them.

Mr. Douglas, a good carpenter can do anything.

Yes, but can you?

Okay, Alf. You start to make the picket signs,

and I'll change into my walking shoes.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. I apologize.

Now see if you can connect the phone.

[ Hammering ] Lisa, where's Eb?

Isn't that him hammering? Oh, no, that's Alf and Ralph.

They're running a wire from the top of the pole down to the phone here.

That's nice. I'm making up my shopping list for Drucker's.

What would you like to have for dinner? You mean I've got a choice?

Anything that comes in a can.

Well, how about-- That comes in a box.

You didn't even hear what I was gonna say.

Your eyes had that box look in them.

Well, Lisa, whatever you want.

- How about a can of mink? - Mink?

They're having a special on them.

Three cans for $700.

Lisa, I got enough problems. I can't--

Well, you can tell me all about it while you're driving me to Drucker's.

I can't drive you to Drucker's. I'm almost two weeks behind in my plowing.

The darned phone company keeps me busy...

answering the subscribers' complaints about the service, the bills, the equipment.

Well, I am not complaining.

You're not a subscriber.

I could become one.

I could sit on your lap, and you could give me your sales pitch.

Lisa, I have no time for mush.

There was a time when you had time for mush anytime.

Why, you were the mushiest.

Now you get a hold of Eb, and you have him drive you to Drucker's. Hmm?

Well, I either got to get a stronger perfume or a weaker husband.

Can't you suggest anything for supper, Mr. Drucker?

- How about lamb stew? - Does that come in a can?

No, you have to make it. I don't want a "make it."

I want an "open it."

Have you got any of those frozen double-purpose pizzas?

- What are they? - Well, they're pepperoni on one side,

and Dean Martin singing "Arrivederci Roma" on the other.

That sounds very good.

Oh, I don't carry those anymore.

People kept playing the pepperoni side by mistake and clogging up their turntable.

Do you have anything else I don't have to make?

I got something new that's been pretty popular.

- Here you are. - What's that?

Well, it's called Deedie's Dehydrated Mason-Dixon Chicken Dinner.

How does that work?

According to the directions here, you just empty the contents of this bag...

into a quart of boiling water, boil it for five minutes,

and you get a complete Southern-style dinner.

Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob,

corn muffins and apple pie-- serves four.

That's fine. I'll take it to the car.

Don't drop it in any puddles. We don't want fried chicken all over the street.

Yes, sir. We'd better get going, Mrs. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas told me to come right back.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Drucker. Oh, say, Mrs. Douglas.

Is Mr. Douglas all right? He hasn't been here in a couple of days.

Oh, he's been very busy.

Between the farm and the phone company, he doesn't have time for anything.

- Not even mushing. - Mushing?

You know, where I sit on his lap, and that kind of stuff.

Oh, uh, yeah. Well, I'll be glad to help out.

Well, that's very nice of you to offer, but he'll find time.

Oh, I don't mean with the mushing. I mean to help out on the farm or--

If you really want to do something,

you could buy the phone company from him.

Well, I'm-- I'm pretty busy around here.

He's having so much trouble. All people do is complain.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been in business for 40 years.

I get more complaints from my customers than I do orders. Sometimes it gets me.

- Why don't you close up? - I need the money.

Oh, well, Oliver isn't in the telephone business to get rich.

Although, I would like him to.

He'd rather be appreciated than make money.

- Yeah, well-- - He's the kind of a man that is like a little boy,

when he stands up and recites, "The boy stood on the burning deck."

He doesn't want you to throw pennies at him.

- He wants you to applaud him. - Yeah, well--

And if people don't stop complaining and start applauding,

he's going to close up the phone company.

- And he won't recite anymore. - Yeah, well--

If they would only say something nice to him instead of complaining,

they find out they get better results.

Like they say, "You catch more herrings with honey...

than you do with sour cream."

You catch more herring?

Oh, Mrs. Douglas, that's "you can catch more flies with honey than you do with sour cream."

Ralph? Oh, Mr. D, we got your phone hooked up.

Oh, that's-- What is that? What's what?

- That hole in the roof. - That's a hole in the roof.

I know that.

Well, then why did you ask?

Notice how we constructed that hole so the outside came right through to the inside.

What else is a hole supposed to do?

I don't know. It's the first one we ever made.

Of all the-- Making a big hole in the roof.

There he goes complaining again.

Yeah. Don't you know you catch more herring with honey than you do with sour cream?

I believe you meant "you catch more herring with honey than you do with vinegar."

I mean-- I mean flies with honey.

It's against the law to use flies with honey to catch herring in this state.

What I'm--

- Never mind what I meant. - We usually don't.

Is the phone working?

- Not yet. - You said you had it hooked up.

Well, in here, but we still have to connect it to the wire on top of the pole.

Well, would you mind doing it? And patch up that hole.

Boy, I'll never go herring fishing with him. He's no sportsman.

Oliver. Not now.

What you doing? I'm going over these phone company records.

I don't know how Trendell stayed in business.

If these records are correct, last year the company lost over $6,000.

I'm not surprised. The rates he charged were too low.

He should have-- Can you tell me about it later?

Could you chop some more wood for the stove? Yeah.

Well, what are you cooking? Hot water.

You're not making that silly hot water soup again, are you?

No. Tonight we're going to have fried chicken, smashed potatoes,

corn on the cob, corn muffins and apple pie.

- Sure. - Well, we are.

Where's all the food you're going to cook?

- In here. - Oh, boy.

This is a bag of Deedie's "Dehydrificated" Mason-Dixon Chicken Dinner.

Deedie's Dehydrificated--

That means without water. You see, all this stuff is in here,

and you put it in the water and it comes out "undehydrificated" Mason-Dixon.

Fine, fine. Now, have you got a little can of something we could--

Howdy doody. I just wanted to tell you your phone's all hooked up.

You can use it anytime you want. Oh, fine.

That's good. Wait a minute.

- What about that hole? - You still on that hole kick?

Yes. Patch it.

Tomorrow. Mom's waiting for us for supper.

Why don't you stay here?

Yes, it would serve you right. We've got plenty.

Hey, is that a Deedie's Dehydrated New England Boiled Dinner?

No, this is a Mason-Dixon chicken.

Mom's having a Deedie's New Orleans's Pompano.

It comes with a dehydrated bottle of wine.

Oh, I must try that sometime.

Yes, yes. Now will you go home and be here first thing tomorrow morning.

[ Heels Click Together ] Yes, sir!

You better wash up. Dinner will be ready soon.

- Excuse me. - Now what?

I forgot to salute.

Supper ready?

It's un-dehydrificating.

Good, I'm starved. Then you'd better eat out.

Well, that isn't a very nice thing to say. [ Phone Ringing ]

Hey, the phone's working. Yeah, we'll see.

Hello.

You don't put your nose in there. That's for your mouth.

I know.

Hello. Oh, Mr. Drucker, yes.

It's for you. Thanks.

Hello? Yes, Mr. Drucker.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Mm.

Well, that was a scintillating conversation.

- It certainly was. I gotta go. - Where?

They're having a special chamber of commerce meeting.

- Oh, I'll go with you. - You're not invited.

- I'm a member. - They don't want you.

- They don't-- - Remember when I said, "Mm"?

That's when Mr. Drucker said be sure and not to bring what's-his-name. So long.

How do you like that? They don't want me at their meeting.

How do you know? They just said they didn't want what's-his-name.

Well, I'm the only what's-his-name around here.

That's a fine thing. They can think of my name all right...

when they've got something to complain about, but when-- Oh, forget it.

You'll feel much better after you had a nice dinner.

Oh, stop talking about a nice--

What the--

Do you want smashed potatoes? Uh--

I think we save the apple pie for dessert.

[ Pounds Gavel ] The committee to appreciate Mr. Douglas is now in session.

What does that mean? It means I missed The Beverly Hillbillies to come here.

Well, I was gonna clean off the gnats on my window screens.

I missed a good dehydrificated chicken dinner.

Will you please be quiet?

Why do we have to appreciate Mr. Douglas?

Because Mrs. Douglas says he's getting discouraged.

Yeah, well, if I was him, I'd get discouraged too.

Roy, if you don't wanna be on this committee, just say so.

I don't wanna be on this committee.

[ Pounds Gavel ] Sit down. Now, as I was saying--

Any of you fellas had gnat trouble?

Newt. If Mr. Douglas gets any more discouraged, he might close the phone company.

All he gets are complaints. And I think we oughta do something...

to show that we appreciate what he's doing.

I make a motion that we appreciate him.

All those who appreciate Mr. Douglas, raise their hands.

The motion is carried. Meeting adjourned.

Dang-blasted, Roy, you ain't runnin' this meeting.

Now, I was gonna suggest that we show our appreciation in some concrete manner.

This has been one of the worst years for gnats I can remember.

Newt! Now, my idea was to give a testimonial dinner for him.

Why don't we give him a gold watch too.

He has a watch. I don't. Maybe he'll give it to me.

Eb. It's not a bad idea to give him a testimonial dinner and a gift.

If somebody would like to make a motion.

Just a second. As I see it, we have several alternatives.

We can give him a dinner and a gift, or we can give him just a dinner.

Or a gift and no dinner, or no dinner and no gift, which is what I'm in favor of.

Roy, you're out of order.

I think it'd be nice to give him a dinner.

Would you like to put that in the form of a motion?

Well, I make a motion that I think it'd be nice to give him a dinner.

I second the motion. Ah, point of information.

How much is this dinner gonna cost?

Well, the Pixley Diner has a choice of three dinners.

One for $1.35 a plate. One for $1.65, and one for $1.95.

I make a motion we give him the $1.35 dinner.

All those in favor of giving Mr. Douglas...

a $1.35 testimonial dinner, raise your hand.

[ Pounds Gavel ] Motion's carried.

There's only one way I can see to keep the phone company running,

and that's to raise the rates.

That isn't a very nice thing to do to your friends.

What friends? All they do is complain.

Have a meeting and they don't invite me.

As far as I'm concerned, they don't deserve any consideration.

[ Knocking ] Aw, now who's that?

Hi, Mr. Douglas. Hi.

Evening, Mrs. Douglas. Hello, Mr. Drucker. Mr. Trendell.

Good evening. Would you fellas like to have...

some dehydrificated apple pie?

- There is still some left in the pot. - No, thanks.

We just came over to talk to Mr. Douglas.

How was the meeting I wasn't invited to?

Oh, fine. We were talking about you. I'll bet you were.

We got something to tell you. I've got something to tell you.

I'm going to raise the phone rates. You're gonna what?

I'm gonna raise the phone rates.

Now, what did you have to tell me?

Well, to show our appreciation for everything you've done for the community--

We're gonna cancel your testimonial dinner.

Roy! Well, I ain't gonna pay a $1.35...

to show my appreciation to a guy who's gonna raise my phone bill.

Don't pay any attention to him, Mr. Douglas. The dinner's still on.

Aw, that's very nice. I--

The people of Hooterville want you to know they can do something besides complain...

about the telephone service. Well, I--

Which isn't great, but they know you're trying.

Which isn't enough, but they want to give you the dinner.

Which is $1.35. Well, yes--

Of course, if you could see fit not to raise the rates,

I might be able to talk them into throwing the $1.65 dinner.

Oh, no, no. $1.35 is appreciation enough.

And I'll see if I can't do something about the rates. Thanks.

Good night, Mrs. Douglas. Good night, Mr. Drucker.

You see, darling, they do appreciate you.

Yes, I guess they, uh-- Uh-huh.

And maybe I can figure out a way so that I won't have to raise the rates.

You don't have to do that tonight.

Do you, darling?

Well, it is kinda late, yeah.

Oliver, I am not in the chambers, but I would like to show you my appreciation too.

Oh, how? With a kiss.

Well, if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon have the $1.35 dinner.

Oh, no, no, no!

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.