Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Alarm Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues, Stops ]

Good morning, children.

It's 5:00 a.m. and time for our Porky Pig festival.

[ Grunting ]

But before we bring you the two exciting hours of Porky and his friends,

here's three minutes of the latest news...

from the WPIXL-TV newsroom.

- [ Squealing ] - Today's big story comes from Hooterville...

where Roy Trendell turned over the ownership of the Hooterville Telephone Company...

to Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Here's the scene as photographed by your on-the-spot reporter yesterday afternoon.

Mr. Trendell explains why he's disposing of the phone company.

[ Clears Throat ] Well, I'll tell you why I'm disposing of the phone company.

I got tired of listening to the bellyaching of the subscribers.

I'm a farmer, but I spend more time...

listening to stupid complaints than I doing workin' my farm.

And when this hothead here starts to go into--

Just a minute. I am not a hothead. Will you show a little courtesy?

I'm still president of the company till I turn the keys over to you.

All right now. Now as I was saying,

when this hothead here starts agitating with the public utilities commission,

I said, "If you think you can run the company better than me, it's yours."

Now there are the keys, and good luck to you.

[ Announcer ] Mr. Douglas, have you got anything to say?

Uh, yes, yes.

Uh, first of all, I'd like to say that I resent being called a hothead.

Uh-- What are you doing? Your nose is shiny for the camera.

- [ Grunting ] - Lisa, I don't care if my nose is shiny for--

Now, uh-- I, uh-- What was I saying?

You were saying that you're not a "headhot."

Oh, yes, that's right. I'm not a headhot.

No, no. I'm not a hedgehog-- hedgehog. I--

Golly! What's goin' on here, Dad?

[ Muttering ] Eb, will you stop calling me Dad?

Now, I was saying, uh--

You were saying that you're not a hedgehog.

Oh, yes. Yes, I'm not a hedgehog,

and I wanted-- Could I wave to my mother? Hi, Mom!

[ Grunting ]

May I say something?

Well, you see, my husband wasn't always the president of the telephone company.

In New York, he was a lawyer,

but he wanted to get away from the city and the rats and the races,

and he wanted to live on the farm and plant the little seeds in the soil...

and watch them "shoosting" up toward the sun and the sky--

Yes. Lisa, you don't have to go-- I'd like to say something...

about Mr. Douglas, the "seed-shooster."

- [ Grunting ] - Look, if the two stooges will be quiet,

I would like to say that I will do my best to run the phone company,

and I promise you that from tomorrow morning on,

every subscriber will receive prompt, courteous and wide-awake service.

[ Knocking ] [ Eb ] Mr. Douglas!

Oliver. Oliver, wake up. Mr. Douglas!

What? Hmm? Eb is knocking.

Mr. Douglas! It's 5:30.

[ Knocking Continues ] What does that crazy-- All right, I'm coming!

Eb, do you realize it's 5:30 in the morning?

5:30? That's what I wanted to know. Thank you.

Wait a minute! Now what's the big idea?

Oh. Well, every morning when I get up,

I call the phone company to find out the right time.

But now that you're president of the phone company,

I thought I'd get it straight from the horse's mouth.

Eb, I was fast asleep.

You don't happen to know what the weather's gonna be, do ya?

Yes. For you, stormy. Now beat it!

Oliver, what did Eb want? Oh, he wanted to see me--

What are you doing up? I am going to make you your breakfast.

It's 5:30!

Well, today it's your first day at the telephone company, and you don't want to be late.

It wouldn't look good for the help.

Help? We got one employee-- Sarah the operator.

[ Knocking ]

If that's that Eb--

Oh, good morning, Mr. Trendell.

Well, now that you've slept on it, I guess you want your company back.

No, I came over to complain about the service.

What's your beef? I'll tell you what it is.

I've been trying to get a call through for the last hour,

and there's nobody on the switchboard.

Where's Sarah? My mother quit.

Well, why did she do that for?

She wouldn't work for him after he stole the company from me.

What are you talking about? I didn't steal the company from you.

You-- You gave it to me. That's not Mom's version.

She's goin' around tellin' everybody how you got me drunk, lured me into a poker game...

and won the company from me with a marked deck. What?

That's the way he won me from the count.

Only that time he did it with loaded dice.

Lisa, please.

How dare your mother go around telling everybody a story like that!

She never said a word about the count.

I am talking about my stealing the company from you.

Now you tell her that if she doesn't stop this,

I'm gonna drag her into court and sue her for defamation of character.

Oh, a mother-suer.

No, I am not a mother-sue-- Well, whatever you are,

you'd better get down to that telephone-company office and get that switchboard operating,

or I'm reporting you to the public utilities commission.

Don't you worry about that.

In 10 minutes, I'll have that company running better than you had it running in 15 years.

Sure you will. Just all you have to do now...

is to pay the bill and leave the company to me.

[ Lisa ] "Ervice is ur mott."

Do you know what that means in Hungarian?

It means that the customer is chopped liver.

[ Chuckles ] It's supposed to read, "Service is our motto."

Oh? Do you know what that means in Hungarian?

Don't you want to know it? It's very sexy.

People only say it to each other. After you.

Well, aren't you going to carry me over the threshold?

Lisa, this is a telephone office, not a honeymoon.

It could be. Lisa.

Wow! This is certainly something to be president of.

What do you expect of a company that's got 34 subscribers?

It has an automatic "shade-upper."

Yeah, an automatic shade-upper.

It's hot in here.

Of all the--

I think the same fellow who built our house...

must have built this place.

If you want to do something constructive, get a cloth and clean up around here, huh?

I guess it gives you a great feeling of power...

to be able to order us little people around.

Yes, it does. Now will you find a cloth and-- and--

Where? Uh, I don't know. Look in there.

Maybe there's one in there.

All they have here is "pretty" cash.

Petty ca--

They keep their petty cash in an unlocked drawer? Oh!

Oh! Oh!

What are you going to do with that?

Well, I'm not going to-- I'm going to try to--

Good morning, Mr. President, Mrs. President.

Good morning, Mr. Kimball.

Say, if I were you, I wouldn't let the game warden catch you with that.

The hunting season hasn't opened yet.

Mr. Kimball, will ya help me get this off? Off what?

My hand! Oh!

Trying to swipe the petty cash, huh?

No, I wasn't. [ Grunts ]

[ Exhales ] Well, I guess a man that would get another man drunk...

and win his telephone company from him on a crooked roulette wheel...

would do anything.

It wasn't a crooked roulette wheel. It was a marked deck.

I thought that's how Mr. Douglas won you from the count, huh?

No. That was with loaded dice.

You just can't play straight, can ya?

Lisa, will you go over to Drucker's...

and get a broom and some dustcloths?

Did you ever run for dictator of anything?

Go! [ Scoffs ]

Oh! Oh, oh.

Boy, these rhinoceros traps really work.

- Rhinoceros? - Yeah.

See? Right there. "Rhinoceros Brand Traps."

There's their motto right there. [ Chuckles ]

"A Rhinoceros trap really grabs ya."

[ Grunts ] This motto was written by the same person...

that wrote the motto on the window--

"Ervice is ur mott."

Know what that means in Portuguese? I haven't the slightest idea.

Right. I didn't know you understood Portuguese.

Oh, boy!

Look, Mr. Kimball, I am very busy,

and I know that you are... whatever it is you are.

Uh, could you state your business, if you don't mind?

My telephone isn't working. May I use yours?

Please, help yourself. Thank you.

Hello? Hello?

- Your phone isn't workin' either. - Oh-- Oh, yes.

There's nobody on the switchboard. Sarah quit.

Oh, well, this is an official call-- very important.

I'll try to put the call through for you.

- Mr. Kimball! - Oh, uh, yes, sir?

- Pick up the phone. - Oh, yes, sir.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

Mr. Kimball, did you pick up the phone? Yes, sir.

Well, that's strange. The switchboard didn't--

Ya dummy. I meant take the receiver off the hook.

You said pick up the phone. Take the receiver off the hook.

How's that?

Fine.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing Stops ]

Hello? Hello, Mr. Kimball?

Just a minute. Uh, I'll see if he's here.

- Oh, Mr. Kiley. - ♪♪ [ Whistling Continues ]

Hello. Hello?

No, Mr. Kimball ain't here, but I'll be glad to take a message.

Don't bother.

Hello, Mr. Kimball. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see that you were on the phone.

Oh, well, I'm not on the phone. I'm just holding it.

Say, you know what time it is? Yes. It's 9:30.

9:30? Oh, I've got an appointment with, uh--

I don't remember who it's with, but that's when it was, and I oughta show up, huh?

I was wondering-- Maybe you could take over for me. Yes, of course.

No, ya hold it like this.

Yeah, there we are. Now what do I do?

Uh, whistle. ♪♪ [ Whistles ]

I don't know how to whistle. Oh.

Well, then just hum something.

♪♪ [ Humming ] Well, I sure do appreciate this.

Bye. Bye.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

[ Straining ]

♪♪ [ Humming Continues ]

- Hello. Uh, Mr. Kimball? - No. This is Lisa.

- Who is that? - This is Oliver.

Oliver, where are you? I brought the broom and--

I'm at the switchboard. Uh, where's Mr. Kimball?

He had to leave, so I'm holding and humming for him.

Oh, for the love of--

What the--

So that's the name of the game.

Well, of all the-- Lisa, hang up.

[ Buzzing ]

Hey, I thought I told ya to hang up. The hook broke off.

- [ Buzzing Continues ] - What now?

[ Oliver ] Hello? Mr. Douglas? Hank Kimball.

Yeah, I'm over at Newt Kiley's place. He said you were trying to get in touch with me.

Forget it.

[ Buzzing ]

Ow! Ooh! Ah!

[ Oliver ] Lisa, please sweep somewhere else.

I've got to concentrate on these records that Mr. Trendell kept.

You're the boss, and I'm just a serf.

- Yeah, good. - Anytime you want to go surfing.

Lisa, please. Uh, just be quiet.

Your wish is my command.

Lisa, now what?

I'm just doing a little ear tickling.

Well, I don't need my ear tickled.

How about the back-of-the-neck kissing?

No! Lap sitting?

[ Sighs ] Lisa, would you--

Well, I think I found the--

Oh, sorry. I didn't know you folks were on your coffee break.

Would you get up, please?

Are you through using me, Mr. Douglas?

Lisa, will you-- If your wife calls, what should I tell her?

Get up, will you?

- [ Sighs ] We're married. - Oh, I didn't say nothin'.

Uh, did you fix the switchboard?

Well, I don't know much about switchboards. I'm an electrician.

Well, that is, I'm a part-time electrician.

I'm really a taxidermist, but this is my slack season.

How about the switchboard?

I think I found the short. There's a bunch of loose wires, and I soldered 'em all together.

Why don't we test it? The light's supposed to go on...

when you take the receiver off the hook.

- Oh, you don't have a hook. - My wife broke it off.

Yes. She came in, and she caught me kissing him, and she lost her temper.

Lisa, the man doesn't enjoy your sense of humor.

We're really married. Well, look, it don't make any difference to me.

Uh, if I was the president of the company, I'd probably be doing the same thing.

Lots of fellas prefer this to taking stock options.

Uh, you owe me $4.80. That's for time, labor and materials.

- How do I know the switchboard's working? - If it lights up...

and starts buzzing and stuff like that, it's okay.

- And suppose it doesn't? - Well, then, uh, just give me a ring.

Wait a minute though. You won't be able to if it's not workin'.

You know, it's a big problem.

Course not as big as the problem I had when a fella brought an elephant in to be stuffed.

- That thing was so big-- - All I'm interested in is the--

[ Switchboard Buzzing ] Oliver, it's working!

Yeah. Let's have a look.

Oh, uh-- Uh, could I please have my $10.90?

I thought you said 4.80. Oh, that's before I knew it was gonna work.

Send me a bill. All right.

Very nice to have met you, Miss, um-- Uh, Bradfinger.

Lisa Bradfinger.

Uh, Miss Bradfinger? Yes, honey?

Why don't you take the afternoon off?

Here.

Go for a ride.

[ Buzzes ] Hello?

You should have more of a smile in your hello. Shh!

Like, "Hello, this is the 'Hootersville' Phone Company!"

Will ya be quiet? I--

No, no. No, no. Not you. I, uh-- What do you want?

You're supposed to say, "Number, 'pul-ee-uz.'"

Will you stop bothering me?

Uh-- No, no. You're not bothering--

What number, pul-ee-uz, do you want? Hello.

No, I haven't been belting--

Who do you want?

Fred Ziffel? Fred Ziffel.

Now where is Mr. Ziffel?

Uh, this one looks like a Ziffel.

Hello? Mr. Ziffel.

Mrs. Miller? Oh--

Oh, I'm sorry I got you out of the bathtub.

What is Mrs. Miller doing taking a bath at Mr. Ziffel's house?

I plugged in the wrong phone. Excuse it, please.

Pul-ee-uz.

I just won this company with a marked--

I mean, I just took over the phone company.

If you'll give me a message, I'll be glad to see that Mr. Ziffel gets it.

What?

The same to you, Mac!

What did he say? Nothing you're allowed to say on a telephone!

I've got to get somebody to take over this switchboard!

Oh. Oh, Mr. Haney. Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Hey, I hear that you got Roy Trendell soused up...

and hustled him out of his phone company in a crooked pool game.

Mr. Haney, please. Maybe for once you can help me.

I need-- First things first.

May I have my $40,000, please?

$40,000? That's the amount that I lost...

due to the inefficiency of your phone company.

What? I will amplify that.

I had a dream...

that a certain stock was due for a spectacular rise.

So at cock's crow this morning,

I jumped out of bed and put through a call to my brokers--

Fishberger, Fishberger, Fishberger, Fishberger and Frye.

- Look-- - You may have seen their act on the old Keith circuit.

They was billed as the Four Fishbergers and Frye.

Oh, they had a great act. They used to read head bumps.

Well, it was only natural...

that when vaudeville died, they become stockbrokers.

Give me patience.

Now as I was sayin', all day I tried to call the brokers to buy the stock,

but your switchboard didn't answer.

Well, when the market closed,

I'd found that the stock had gone up 40 points.

Well, a thousand shares times 40--

That's $40,000.

You were going to buy a thousand shares?

I'm a plunger.

Now if you don't have the cash, well, a check or tradin' stamps will do.

Mr. Haney, uh, would you like to earn, uh, five dollars?

Five dollars? Uh, yes.

All you have to do is to get me a telephone operator.

A telephone operator?

- Doggone if I don't believe that I got one on my truck. - On your truck?

Just another service of the Haney Curbside Employment Agency.

Uh, well-- Well-- Stand back.

What the-- Let's see now.

You wanted a telephone operator, you say. Yeah.

He's a cocktail waitress.

She's a fandango dancer.

And he's an atomic scientist on a leave of absence.

I just can't believe it.

Doggone, I was sure that I had a telephone operator on the truck...

when I left home this morning.

She must've bounced off someplace.

Now don't worry. I'll find her.

All right, folks. We're movin' out.

Oh, and, uh, just remember,

10% of each pot goes to the Haney Curbside Employment Agency.

Oliver, it's 8:00. When are we going to go home?

We can't go home. This is a phone company.

Somebody's gotta be here 24 hours a day.

But you don't know how to run a switchboard.

All you do is sit there and stare at it.

Well, somebody's gotta be on duty to stare at it.

Well, forsaking all the others, what is your main problem?

My main problem is that I can take the incoming calls,

but I don't know which holes to plug in to get them the person they want.

I think I got a solution.

I got a solution too-- get ahold of Roy Trendell, get him stoned,

get him into a poker game with a marked deck and deal the company back to him!

I'm fed up!

Why, that doesn't sound like the same Oliver Wendell Douglas...

who stood up in Congress...

and dumped all the tea overboard.

Well, I was much more of a tea-dumper in those days.

Oliver! Lisa, you just sit there and stare at that board...

and let me try to figure a way out of this mess.

- Oliver? Oliver! - Huh?

Come in here, quick!

What's the matter? I think I got it figured out.

What? Who do you want to talk to?

Uh-- Pick a name and read what it says,

and I plug them in for you.

Well, uh-- uh, Newt Kiley?

Newt Kiley-- He's at three by three.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

Hello? Mr. Kiley? Good.

I just want to show my husband I know where you were.

Uh-- Pick another one.

Um-- Well, Drucker-- Four by two.

One, two, three, four. One, two.

Hello? Mr. Drucker?

I just wanted to make sure that you are where you're supposed to be.

Good night.

- It works good, doesn't it? - Yeah, but how--

While you were "schnoozing," I called up everybody, and I asked them who they were.

Then I counted how many rows down and how many rows across they were on the "punchboard."

- Uh, switchboard. - No, punchboard.

I got the idea from my father.

He was the head of the Budapest Punchboard Company.

Do you know what a punchboard is?

Yes, it's something you take a chance on.

You, uh-- You select the number you want, and then you punch it out.

That's how my father got rich.

He never put any lucky numbers in his punchboard.

- [ Buzzing ] - Lisa, your punchboard is ringing.

[ Buzzing Stops ] Hello?

This is the Hootersville Phone Company.

Who do you want? Mr. Bennett?

One moment, pul-ee-uz.

Mr. Bennett is at two by five.

One, two. One, two, three, four, five.

Oliver, there's something in there.

"Number 74. You have just punched the lucky number."

- What? - You won first prize.

The Hooterville Phone Company. Good ni-ight.

Oliver-- Oliver, wait a second. [ Buzzing ]

You have to wait for a moment.

Uh, hello? Who do you want? [ Buzzing Stops ]

Well, I have to get a three-by-six for a Mr. Four-by-two,

and an eight-by-nine and a six-by-two...

and a one-by-eight and a two-by-three...

and a nine-by-six and a one-by-five--

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.