Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Well, crank it up again, Eb.

Yes, sir.

[ Metal Whirring ] What's that?

Holy smokes. Hey, hold it!

Of all the miserable, no-good--

Save your breath. You may have to give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Our driveshaft is broken.

Say, that's a pretty good guess.

Is there any place around here we can get parts for a Hoyt-Clagwell tractor?

No, sir. You'll have to call the factory.

- Hello there. - What are you doing up here?

I'm expecting a phone call. What are you doing up here?

Oh. Well, I've got a broken driveshaft. I've got to call--

Well, then you shouldn't be climbing any telephone poles.

Uh, it's not my driveshaft. It's the tractor. I've got to call the factory.

Don't tie up the phone.

I'm expecting a call from your mother. She calls every Thursday.

Yeah--

- Today's Wednesday. - Oh?

Well, I guess I climbed up a day early.

Hello. Sarah?

[ Buzzing ]

Hello? Hello!

It doesn't feel like Wednesday,

because Wednesday always feels like a day after Tuesday,

and today feels like a day before Friday, which is Thursday.

Fine. Uh-- Hello!

[ Buzzing Continues ]

[ Buzzing Stops ]

[ Sarah's Voice ] Your Hooterville operator is out to lunch.

Please call back in an hour. This is a recording--

Hello? Hello! a recording--

a recording-- a re--

Your recording has a stuck needle. Please excuse it. [ Chuckles ]

- Who said that? - Said what?

That my recor--

That my recording has a stuck needle.

I thought it was your driveshaft that was giving you trouble.

No, there's nothing wrong with my drive--

Today is Thursday, and I'll tell you why.

I don't want to know why.

[ Buzzing ]

Will you please stop flashing the light? You're gonna wear out the battery.

Mr. Kimball? What are you doing there?

Gee, I don't know. I just stopped in to pay my telephone bill.

- First thing I knew, Sarah put me in charge of recordings. - Well, where is Sarah?

Oh, uh, we have a recording here that explains the whole thing. I'll play it for ya.

I heard the recording about the Hooterville operator being out to lunch.

Oh. Hey, did you hear the flip side?

"The Hooterville operator's at the dentist. She'll be back in two hours."

When will Sarah be back?

- From where? - From lunch!

Oh, she's been back from lunch.

She had to go home and baste her rump roast. [ Chuckles ]

To baste her rump--

We didn't have a recording on "had to go home to baste her rump roast,"

so I played the "out to lunch" recording.

- Oh! - Sarah always makes a rump roast on Thursday.

- Today is Wednesday! - Oh, it is?

Boy, she's gonna be pretty upset when she finds out...

she's basting tomorrow's rump roast today. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, boy.

Look, Mr. Kimball,

do you suppose you could put a long-distance call through for me?

- Through where? - The switchboard!

Oh.

Gee, I-- I don't know. I never done that before. [ Chuckles ]

But a county agent is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,

courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, clean, brave and reverent.

Or is that a Boy Scout?

Well, whoever it is, why don't we have a go at it? Who do you want to call?

I want to call the Hoyt-Clagwell factory...

in Fargo, North Dakota.

Huh. Let's see.

Gee, I don't think we're gonna be able to help ya. We don't have a Fargo hole.

Oh, forget it.

Lisa, that phone company is--

Lisa! Where are you?

Down here. I'm all ready to go.

- Go where? - To "Hootersville."

Well, aren't you going to yell at the telephone company?

And when I got to the phone company office, it was closed.

I guess Sarah didn't get back from her bastin'.

What right has she--

Anyway she's basting on the wrong day.

No, she always bastes on Thursday. Today is Wednesday.

Then how come Mr. Kiley said she was basting?

I don't care what he said. It's ridiculous.

The office was deserted. Nobody was there-- not even Kimball, the phone company disc jockey.

I looked through the window. Seemed that everybody is trying to get a call through.

The switchboard was lit up like a Christmas tree.

Oh, that is a Christmas tree. Sarah's a little late taking it down.

Sarah's a little late on a lot of things.

Not with her basting. She's a day early with that,

that is, if today is Wednesday, which I don't think it is.

I don't care if it's Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. She--

Oh, the telephone office is closed all day Friday.

All day-- Didn't you ever hear that recording?

"Your Hooterville operator is gettin' her hair done.

Please call back at 6:00."

I never realized it was closed all day Friday.

What? The poor woman has to have her hair done sometimes.

She can't do it on her basting day.

That's ridiculous! Suppose there's a fire.

We make sure that we don't have any fires unless Sarah's on duty.

How can you control--

Look, suppose you're sick. You need a doctor.

He doesn't look sick to me.

No, I didn't say he was sick.

Then why does he need a doctor?

Uh-- [ Sighs ]

Look, I had to make an important call this morning.

I needed a part for my tractor.

I tried to get a call through to the Hoyt-Clagwell factory in Fargo, North Dakota.

Even if Sarah was there, you couldn't get through to them.

She doesn't have a Fargo hole on the switchboard.

She could call Chicago. They'd route it through there.

Maybe they don't have a router hole.

Every phone company's got a router hole.

Well, not a router--

Uh, Sam, look, can I use your phone? Maybe Sarah's back.

Help yourself. It's under the counter.

- What's the matter with this? - That's the longest cord the phone company had.

I've been after 'em for five years to give me a longer one.

Fine thing.

My phone is on top of a pole. This one--

Hello. [ Sarah's Voice ] Your Hooterville operator...

is having rump roast trouble.

Call back in an hour.

They got to be kidding.

People don't kid about rump roast trouble.

Rump roast trouble? That's a new recording.

At least it ain't in the phone-company album I have.

- They put out an album? - Yeah, the company gives 'em to you as a bonus...

if you don't complain about anything for a whole year.

Well, I'll never get an album...

because I intend to complain every day until they improve the service.

That knothead Mr. Trendell doesn't know the first thing about running a phone company.

- Hi, Roy. - Hi, Sam.

Douglas, Newt. You were saying?

Yes. I was saying that you don't know the first thing about running a phone company.

You left out that Mr. Trendell was a knothead.

Have you got some kind of a complaint? Yes, I have.

- You're going to blow the bonus album. - I don't care.

Mr. Trendell, your company has the worst service imaginable.

Oh, let's not deal in generalities. Let's be specific.

- I got the "sespific." Our-- - Lisa, will you let me handle my own "sespific"?

Sesific-- Sesp--

Specifics.

I know how to say it. "Speficics."

Ever since we moved here, our "pone" has been on top of a "fole"!

- You are in a tizzy. - Well, you would be too,

if you try to get a call through for four hours and there's nobody on the switchboard.

Nobody on the switchboard? No.

- Can I use the phone, Sam? - Go right ahead.

- Sam, did you put this cord in yourself? - No!

Well, you must've because they're not supposed to be this long.

Oh, hello, Sarah. No, just checking to see how everything is.

Nobody there, huh?

Oh, I meant to tell you. Uh, when you have a few minutes,

would you take the Christmas tree down?

Good girl.

Well, she wasn't there when I called before.

Are you sure you know how to use a telephone?

One part is the mouthpiece. That's the part you talk into.

I know how to use a phone.

Yes, he does. He took phone lessons in New York.

I never took phone lessons.

Then where were you those two nights a week...

when you told me you were going to phone school?

Oh, well, I-- No, I-- I never--

Uh, that's got nothing to do with this. Sam, can I use your phone?

[ Sam ] Help yourself.

Hello. Sarah? Hello?

[ Sarah's Voice ] Your Hooterville operator is taking down the Christmas tree.

Call back in an hour. This is a recording.

I like that one. Why-- Why don't you put it out as a single at Christmastime?

The only way you can improve the service is to fire Sarah.

Would you fire your mother?

Mother? Holy smokes.

I gotta get home for supper. Mom's havin' rump roast.

Just a minute.

Do you realize your phone company is a public utility?

And unless you improve the service,

I intend to get up a petition, take it to the public utilities commission...

and have them cancel your franchise.

Be my guest, but not for rump roast.

Well.

Isn't that a fine attitude for the president of the phone company?

Doesn't he realize what the telephone means to the American farmer?

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ] That thin strand of copper wire...

is his lifeline to the outside world.

It's his means of communication with the marketplace,

tells him about what to do with his crops, what the weather will be.

And in time of need, it brings the doctor.

Without the telephone, the American farmer's isolated,

cut off from civilization! ♪♪ [ Ends ]

I agree with you, Mr. Douglas. I'll sign your petition.

And I will too. Well, thank you, gentlemen. Thank you.

Now we'll get some action!

So, I'm going around to all the subscribers,

asking 'em to sign this petition against the phone company.

Well, I ain't got no real beef with 'em.

You're satisfied with the service?

Yep.

Well, how about the equipment? Okay.

They put the phone where I wanted it,

gave me the color I wanted-- green.

Yes, but... what's the hammer for?

Well, that's to hold the hook down so the bell will ring.

There's supposed to be a receiver here.

Well, I didn't get one of them. Why not?

Well, at the time they put the phone in,

they didn't have the receiver the same color as the other part of the phone.

- But they're lookin' for one. - Since when?

1922.

How can you use a telephone without a receiver?

Oh, you kind of get the hang of it.

Look, if somebody calls ya, how do you know who he is?

Well, I got a list here. Everybody's got a time to call.

See, Ben Miller calls at 10:00.

Sam Drucker calls at 11:30.

- [ Rings ] - Excuse me.

Uh, what time is it? Oh, it's 3:15.

I ain't got nobody down for 3:15.

Must be for you.

[ Mouths Words ]

Why, Mr. Douglas. Hi, Mr. Haney.

I, uh-- I just came over to--

Now you didn't have to come over. I was gonna deliver it to ya.

Deliver what? Irving Two Smokes.

May I congratulate you on purchasing...

one of the finest examples of cigar-store art in existence?

Mr. Haney, I didn't order that.

You didn't order Irving Two Smokes? No.

Then how come he's got a sold sign on him?

That doesn't mean anything.

Well, it's got your name on the back. [ Laughs ]

"Balance owed by Mr. Douglas-- 98.50."

Look, I, uh-- I-- Now if you'll just make out the check to cash,

it'll save a lot of trouble between me and the government.

Mr. Haney, I just came over to ask you to sign my petition...

for the phone company. Well, all right.

While you're signin' my check, I'll be signin' your "pertition."

Oh, no. I'm not signing anything.

You ain't? No, I'm not.

I said "ain't." I don't care what you said.

I'm not buying that monstrosity.

Well, it looks like we've arrived at one of them Mexican "stand-ups."

In other words, unless I, uh, buy that thing,

uh, you're not gonna sign my petition?

Now, Mr. Douglas, do I look like the kind of fella...

that would pull a sleazy trick like that?

Yes, you do.

All right. I'll show you. Where do I sign? Right here.

Oh! Ooh, looks like my writer's cramp is coming back on me.

All right, Mr. Haney,

I'll give you three dollars for Irving.

Uh, some of the stiffness seems to be leavin'.

Four dollars.

Yeah, it seems to be loosenin' up.

- Five. - I'm cured.

I don't know why I can't go with you.

Oh, I'm only gonna be there overnight.

I've never been to a "republic futility commercial."

[ Chuckles ] It's not a republic futility commercial.

It's a public "fertility" commercial-- commission!

Well, anyway, I'm just gonna present the petition...

and my arguments to revoke the phone company's franchise unless they improve the service.

- Are you going to take the fifer with you? - The fifer?

You know, the fellow who always plays the fife for your speeches.

What are you talking about? I'm not gonna make any speeches.

I'm just gonna go there and demand action.

Promise me you won't lose your temper with the republic futility commercial.

Stop saying that.

You see, you're not even there, and you already lost your temper with them.

I promise you I won't lose my temper. I'll keep calm and cool and--

Who put this stupid Indian here?

Where did this come from?

Mr. Haney just delivered it. You owe me $15. It came C.O.D.

I already paid him. I gave him five dollars.

He said that was just a down payment.

It's $15 on delivery and $15 every month thereafter...

until the full amount of $212 is paid.

- Take it back. - Wait a minute, Oliver. I like him.

His name is Irving Two Smokes. He's a model of a real Indian...

that used to stand out in front of the cigar store in Pixley.

They had him "woodified."

Woodified? Will you get him out of here?

Oliver, we could use an Indian.

- What for? - Protection.

He could stand in front of the house and keep the cowboys away.

Bye, dear. Bye.

Bye, Eb. Bye, Irving. I'm sorry I can't stick around.

I'm due at the state capital.

- Is there an Oliver Wendell Douglas here? - Yes, sir.

Would you come forward, please?

- Gate's stuck. - Would you mind climbing over it?

Excuse me.

I beg your pardon. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me.

Just state your case.

Uh, gentlemen of the, uh-- the republic futilities commercial--

I mean, the-- the public "fertil"--

I got that from my wife. She's always--

No, she says the public utilities commission.

No, the-- Yes, the public futilities commission.

Well, anyway she-- When she--

Uh, Mr. Douglas, if you'd like to come back when you're sober--

I'm not sober! I'm-- Well, I mean, I-- I--

Look, I'm just trying to explain when she gets things--

- If you'll just state your business. - Yes. Well, oh, uh--

I represent the subscribers of the Hooterville Telephone Company.

All of the members have signed this petition,

and if you'll notice all the names-- Mr. Douglas. [ Clears Throat ]

- Are all of these signatures legitimate? - Of course!

One of your subscribers is named Irving Two Smokes?

Oh, no. That's a wooden Indian.

- A wooden Indian? - Well, no. A real Indian that's woodified.

He stands out in front of the cigar store.

And he left his post to sign this?

Well, no. No, uh, Mr. Haney probably signed his name there...

when, uh-- when I bought the wooden Indian...

in order-- so that he-- Mr. Haney would sign the petition.

Then this, uh, signature was paid for?

Oh, no! No, no. I, uh-- The Indian was paid for.

[ Chuckles ] You see, Mr. Haney didn't want to, uh--

Just cross his name off. The rest of them are all legitimate.

Assuming they are, what is it you want to petition us to do?

To improve the service of the Hooterville Telephone Company.

- And what's wrong with their service? - Well,

the operator's always taking off to get her hair done or to baste her rump roast.

The equipment is beyond belief.

My phone is on top of a pole!

And Mr. Drucker's phone-- The cord is so short, you gotta answer it like this.

Mr. Ziffel-- All Mr. Ziffel's telephone has is a mouthpiece and a hammer.

It doesn't have a receiver!

He can-- He can talk out, but he doesn't know who's calling him!

- Well, now that's very-- - Would you believe...

the Hooterville telephone company switchboard does not have a Fargo hole?

We got a real beaut here.

I think I've got a way out.

- [ Clears Throat ] Mr. Douglas. - Yes.

You said these signatures belong to all the subscribers to the telephone company?

Except for Irving, uh, Two Smokes.

- Then there are only 34 subscribers? - That's right.

- Then I'm afraid we can't help you. - Why not?

Well, you see, Mr. Douglas, this commission...

has no authority over any public utility...

that has less than 42 subscribers.

What?

But you can come back again and see us when the company gets eight more.

What kind of a stupid--

I declare this hearing is closed.

Oh, darling, you're home. Yeah, what I--

Before you tell me your bad news, let me tell you my good news.

Irving works. He what?

While you were away, not a single cowboy showed up.

I'm not interested. Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!

Ow! Will ya let go?

I just want to congratulate you. That petition sure got action from the phone company.

- It did? - Yeah.

The minute Mr. Trendell heard about your goin' to the state capital, he whizzed right over.

Yes, he took the phone down off the pole just like you wanted him to.

Oh, that's wonderful. Uh, where did he put it?

- In Mr. Ziffel's house. - What?

And Mr. Drucker got our cord so he doesn't have to talk like this anymore.

Mr. Trendell gave our phone to Mr. Ziffel?

Yeah. You should've seen him the first time it rang and he answered it.

Tears came to his eyes.

It's the first time since 1922 he's heard a human voice on the telephone.

Wait till I get that Mr. Trendell!

You had no right to take my telephone and give it to Mr.--

Well, you're always complaining about the service,

so I figured that's the best way to solve your problem.

- Now you've got nothin' to yell about. - I certainly have.

- How'd you make out with the public utilities commission? - Oh, well, uh--

Eight subscribers too few, huh?

- Yes, but-- - I could've told ya that...

and saved you going up there and makin' a jackass out of yourself.

- I didn't make-- - And palming off Irving Two Smokes as a subscriber.

Mr. Trendell, may I ask you a question?

If it's civil.

You don't seem to care very much about the telephone company, do you?

No, I don't. It interferes with my farming.

- Then why did you buy it? - I didn't buy it.

I used to be a subscriber like you, always complainin' about the rotten service.

Then one day I went into the office to raise Ned with the man who owned the company.

One thing led to another, and he said,

"Do you think you could run this company better?" and I said, "Yes."

Then he hands me the keys, and the next thing I knew, I'm in the telephone business.

Well, I don't know how he ran it,

but you certainly haven't improved the service.

I suppose you could run it better.

You're darn right I could.

Very well.

You just got yourself a telephone company, and good luck.

It always happens, Oliver.

Every time you open your mouth, somebody sticks a phone company in it.

I didn't know he was go-- [ Huffs ]

Anyway, I'll show him I can run it better than he can.

But you don't know anything about how to run a phone company.

Lisa, do you know what made this country so great?

People who didn't know what they were doing...

doing it.

- ♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ] - When the early settlers first landed...

on the barren shores of Massachusetts, did they know how to shoot Indians?

No! They had to learn how to shoot Indians,

and they also had to learn how to shoot turkeys.

That's how the American economy got started,

because certain men had to make the ammunition,

which they sold to the men who shot the turkeys.

And the men who shot the turkeys sold the turkeys to the men who made the ammunition.

And pretty soon the turkey men made enough money to buy fancy clothes for their wives,

but there wasn't anybody to make the clothes.

So, somebody started the garment industry in New York,

where they employed thousands of people...

who needed transportation and housing.

♪♪ [ Continues ] So, somebody went into the tenement business,

and somebody else went into the subway business,

and from that, America became the great industrial nation that she is today.

And if they can do it, I can run a telephone company.

Darling, you can.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

You don't have to play the fife anymore.

He's through with the speech.

♪♪ [ Ends ] Thank you, and have a nice week.

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.