Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Eb? Eb, what the--

[ Loud Honk ]

Oh, Mrs. Ziffel. What are you cry--

[ Deep Honk ]

- What the-- - [ Grunting ]

Lisa, what's all the honking about?

It's Arnold. What's the matter with him?

He's in love. [ Squeaky Honk ]

Will you stop that honking? So he's in love?

Who's the lucky girl? Her name is Cynthia.

Cynthia? That's a pretty fancy name for a pig.

That's what all the honking is about.

She isn't a pig. She's a "basket" hound.

A basket hound?

You know, with the long ears and the sad eyes.

Oh, a basset hound.

Isn't that sad? What's so sad about it?

A stupid pig falls in love with a basket h-- uh, a basset hound.

Arnold isn't stupid.

He's the only pig in school with an "A" average.

Then he oughta be smart enough not to get involved with a dog.

He isn't involved.

He's in love. And Cynthia is in love with him.

Fine. When they get married, we'll send them a wedding gift.

It's not that simple.

Mr. Ziffel is trying to break it up.

He doesn't think Cynthia is good enough for Arnold.

Oh, no, no. He likes Cynthia.

It's her father he doesn't like-- Mr. Haney.

Oh, boy.

- Isn't that terrible? - What's for dinner?

How can you think of food at a time like this?

Lisa, I've gotta keep my strength up.

I have a feeling this is gonna be a long, hot summer.

[ Ship's Horn Blows ]

[ Howling ]

[ Squealing ] Now, Arnold, get away from that door.

You ain't a-goin' out. You hear me?

Fred, stop yellin' at Arnold. It's all her fault.

[ Howling ]

Cynthia Haney, you go on home.

- Arnold ain't a-comin' out. - [ Squealing ]

Fred, do you think you're doin' the right thing?

Maybe you oughta let Arnold go out and--

No pig of mine is gonna run around with any kin of Haney's.

[ Squealing, Grunting ]

Arnold, now, like I told ya, you go on to your room.

[ Squealing ]

And tomorrow night, no supper and no television.

[ Barking ]

Did you hear that?

Why, that hussy has taught him to bark like a dog.

Well, it doesn't hurt for somebody to know another language.

Well, I don't know another language,

and I got along pretty well.

Now you go on to your room like I told ya.

[ Whimpering ]

And stop that dog-sobbin'.

[ Howling ] Aroo!

How's anybody gonna sleep with a lot of racket like that?

Cynthia Haney! You go home, or I'll have the law on you.

[ Howling ]

Mr. Douglas, do you mean to tell me...

you can't get an injunction against this basket hound?

You see? He said basket hound. I don't care what he said.

- I thought you was a lawyer. - I am a lawyer.

And I tell you you can't get an injunction against a basket hound.

Uh, b-basset. Ba-- Uh, basset.

Well, why not? That mangy-lookin' Cynthia is drivin' us nuts.

[ Squealing ]

Just for that, you don't get your allowance.

[ Squeals ]

It's your fault, Fred.

You know how he feels about her. I don't care how he feels.

Mrs. Ziffel, it isn't good to fight in front of a child.

He's not a child! He's a pig!

Oliver!

Mignon, take Arnold in and let him turn on the TV.

[ Yaps ]

[ Barking ]

Did Arnold just-- [ Fred ] Yeah.

That Cynthia's got him talkin' like she does.

- [ Whimpering ] - Go on, Arnold.

Shut the door.

Folks, please, will you sit down?

Mr. Douglas, I'm goin' outta my mind.

Is there anything legal that can be done about this hound?

You could call a dogcatcher.

You don't know anything about love, do you?

Well, I'm not an expert at it.

I have looked at Peyton Place a couple of times.

If Mr. Ziffel would call a dogcatcher, Arnold would never forgive him.

He'd probably run away and marry Cynthia just out of spite.

Look, we are talking about a dog and a pig, aren't we?

If you're in love,

what difference does it make who you are?

Well, you can-- When I fell in love with you, nobody said anything,

even though they knew what you were.

What do you mean what I were?

Do I have to say it in front of your friends?

That's the most ridiculous crack I--

Mr. Douglas, if we'd a-want a-listen to a fight, we'd a-stayed at home.

What we want to know is how to get rid of this Cynthia...

and break it up between her and Arnold.

Why don't you go over and see Mr. Haney...

and ask him to keep his dog away?

No, no. I don't talk to him.

- They been feudin' for 10 years. - What about?

Oh, I forget. But it must've been somethin' pretty terrible...

to make me remember it this long.

Well, that makes about as much sense...

as anything that's been said here today.

Mr. Douglas, now we don't want any sarcasm.

What we want is advice.

You want advice. All right, I'll give it to you.

You wanna break it up, send Arnold back east to military school.

Well, we thought of that, but we couldn't afford it.

Look, Mr. Ziffel, I wouldn't worry too much about this if I were you.

These things have a way of working themselves out.

Pretty soon, a little blonde sow will come along--

Arnold will forget all about Cynthia.

You just hold a good thought.

There it is, Cynthia.

After you win again Saturday,

it's gonna be yours permanent.

She hasn't been entered yet.

There's still a matter of a two-dollar entry fee.

Ain't you paid that yet? No, she hasn't.

Well, uh, she'll pay you tomorrow. She forgot her purse.

Well, Mr. Haney.

- Mr. Drucker. - Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, I want you to meet Cynthia.

Oh. So that's Cynthia, huh?

Well, congratulations. When's the wedding?

Oh, you've heard about her and Grover.

Grover? Yeah, her fiancé.

He's a well-to-do basset hound over in Crabwell Corners.

- Oh. I thought Cynthia was-- - [ Murmurs ]

You thought what?

He thought that, as long as she's engaged to such a wealthy fella,

that he might lend her the two dollars for her entry fee.

That's a good idea, Sam.

Come on, Cynthia. Let's go over and sweet-talk Grover.

I'm sorry I shushed you, Mr. Douglas,

but Haney don't know about Cynthia and Arnold.

- Why? - How do you tell a man his dog is runnin' around with a pig?

Yeah. Yeah, I can see how--

Sure ain't easy raisin' kids these days.

Uh, no. No.

Look, Mr. Drucker. I'd like to order--

[ Dog Barking ] Whoa, Quincy! Whoa! Whoa, Quincy! Whoa!

Get down! Please! [ Muttering ]

Go away. Wait. Get down.

He's waiting for you to kiss him. I'm not gonna kiss him.

- Don't you like Irish setters? - He sure seems to like you, Mr. Douglas.

Yeah. He usually doesn't take to people on the first lick.

Have you got any Irish in you? No.

Then it must be your green complexion.

Look, I just-- Course, he isn't really from Ireland.

Although, he has a cousin that lives in Dublin.

Quincy writes to him every week.

Well, he doesn't write to him. I write to him.

Quincy dictates to me. Yes, very good, Mr. Kimball.

- Now could I order my-- - You gonna enter him in the trials, Hank?

I sure am. Oh, he's a smart dog.

Yeah, great hunting dog.

You ever see a dog point like that?

Yes, if they were hunting pickle barrels, he'd win hands down.

Well, not hands down, Mr. Douglas.

Paws down. [ Chuckling ]

- Yeah. Now, Mr. Drucker-- - I never saw a dog point at a pickle barrel before.

See, Quincy was born in a cucumber patch.

Every time he sees a pickle barrel, he thinks it's his mother.

That's logical. Uh, now--

That sure was confusing when he was a pup.

I thought he was a pickle pointer.

But when he grew up, turned out to be an Irish setter.

- I was hopin' he'd-- - Do you mind if I order my food?

Oh, no. Go right ahead. Thank you very much. Now--

If you fellas are planning on betting on the field trials, put your money on Quincy.

- Think she can beat Haney's dog? - Hands down.

Well, not hands down. Paws down.

I don't know why you keep saying that, Mr. Douglas.

I don't keep saying it, Mr. Kimball.

Now-- Have you heard the way Cynthia's been carrying on?

- Oh, yeah. We-- - Dog can't expect to win a field trial...

if she's gonna break training, run around all night howling at a pig.

Hah! Now, you take Quincy.

In bed every night at 9:00.

No girls, no drinking. All business.

Good for old Quincy. Now-- Even if he wasn't in training,

I don't think I'd let my dog run around with a pig.

Would you let your dog run around with a pig, Mr. Douglas?

I don't care who my dog runs around with.

Oh. That's the kind of stuff they taught you in Harvard? [ Scoffs ]

What's Harvard got to do with it?

Do with what? With my--

Look, please, could I order?

I just want a few-- Oh, no. You go right ahead, Mr. Doug--

Quincy and I have to do our roadwork anyway.

Come, Quincy. [ Yelps ]

Come. Heel.

Mush! Oh, stay there.

Gonna be real proud of your son.

[ Gunfire ] [ Whooping ]

[ Grunting ]

Arnold. What are you doing here?

[ Grunting ]

Do you have to play that thing so darn loud? [ Volume Decreases ]

[ Volume Increases ]

Uh, Lisa, uh--

Oh, Oliver, I wanted to tell you we have a houseguest.

A houseguest? Oh, Arnold.

What's he doing here anyway? He's sitting in there like the lord of the manor,

watching on my television set.

Well, you see--

Ah.

Who is the redhead?

Redhead? Oh.

Oh. That was an Irish setter who was... kissing me.

I don't suppose you bothered to tell her that you are married.

Lisa, she was a dog. Ah. Just like a man.

She lets you kiss her, then you go around telling everybody that she's a dog.

That's the way we are. Now about Arnold.

First I want to hear more about the Irish "settler."

Setter. It's a hunting dog.

- And they go around kissing people? - Yes.

You know, when you make up a story, it sure is a "cockamammee."

Lisa, could we get back to Arnold?

Mr. Ziffel asked me if he could keep Arnold here for a couple of days.

- What for? - So when Cynthia comes around the Ziffel house howling...

and Arnold isn't there and she doesn't know where he is, she'll forget about him.

At the same time, if Arnold is here...

and he doesn't hear Cynthia howling, he'll forget about her.

That's a very good theory. It has one flaw.

What is that?

Arnold is not gonna stay here. Oliver!

If he wants to take a love cure, tell him to go to a sanitarium.

He doesn't do any harm. All he does is sit there watching television.

- I don't care what-- - [ Grunting ]

I guess there's a commercial on.

I'm surprised he didn't get a can of beer.

Oh, Oliver. Lisa, call Mr. Ziffel on the phone...

and tell him to come over here and get his pig.

I am not going to do it.

Lisa. No!

All right. If that's the way you want it.

Just remember, you're the one who sent me back to the arms of the Irish settler.

Whoa.

[ TV Playing ]

[ Gunfire ] [ Whooping ]

[ Grunting ]

Arnold, will you turn that off? I can't sleep.

Will you stop yelling, "Turn that off. I can't sleep"?

Because I can't sleep if you keep yelling,

"Turn that off! I can't sleep!"

I'm sorry, but that set is going off.

- [ TV Clicks Off ] - [ Squealing ]

Well, you just made another enemy.

Fine. Arnold, out.

- [ Squealing ] - No back talk.

Well, he's just asking you if he can take the television set with him.

- Beat it! - [ Squealing ]

[ Loud Squealing ] Now what?

You better turn the light on. He's afraid to sleep in the dark.

That miserable-- [ Squealing Continues ]

[ Squealing Stops ] Nighty-night.

Well, I've never seen such "inhospitutily."

That's my middle name-- inhospitutily.

Watch it.

Good night.

Boy, am I glad we're not married.

What was that last remark?

Just wishful thinking.

[ Loud Howl ]

[ Howling ]

- [ Howling ] - [ Grunting ]

[ Howling Continues ]

[ Squealing ]

Will you stop that!

[ Howling Continues ] Would you stop it if you were him,

with your girlfriend out there howling?

- How did she find him here anyway? - [ Howling Continues ]

Go away!

I don't think she will.

It's just like that play-- Romeo and Julius.

Romeo and Julius?

You know, where these two families try to keep the kids apart.

And Julius went out on the balcony every night,

and she said, "'Romeo, Romeo.

Where art forth thou?'"

Where art forth thou?

Don't you remember when we saw that play?

It's the most famous speech in the whole play.

I must have missed it when I went out to put another nickel in the parking meter.

Well, the scene started with Romeo coming into the garden...

and saying, "'But, soft, who broke that window with the light yonder?'"

Who broke the window with the light yon--

"'It is in the east, and Julius has a son.'"

I should've left the car home that night.

- [ Howling ] - [ Squealing ]

Oh, for the love of--

[ Grunting ] [ Barking ]

What did you do that for?

Far be it from me to keep Romeo away from Julius.

See if you can find out who broke that window with the light yonder.

Mr. Ziffel is going to be very mad at you.

I don't care. I just-- Well, I am not mad at you.

I'm glad you did it.

It shows that you have a soft heart where your head is.

You're finally beginning to notice that, huh?

And now, uh, may we go to bed?

[ Rooster Crows ]

[ Grunting Softly ]

[ Barking Softly ]

[ Haney ] Cynthia! Cynthia Haney!

Cynthia!

Cynthia!

[ Barking ]

[ Whimpering ]

Ain't no sense in crying, Cynthia.

The only thing to do is get you a good lawyer.

But, temporarily, we'll have to settle for Mr. Douglas.

Well, Mr. Haney-- Oh, Cynthia.

How did the field trials go? Cynthia come in dead last.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Not half as sorry as Arnold Ziffel's gonna be.

I want you to sue him for one million dollars.

But that's impossible. You can't sue a pig.

Even if the aforesaid pig caused the heretofore "champeen" huntin' dog...

to be barred from field trials forever?

Cynthia's barred? From every kennel club in the country.

- Why? - Why? Speak.

[ Squealing ]

Any more silly questions?

Well, I-- I don't see--

- She done that right in front of the judges' stand. - I can see why that might--

I could have been spared all that humiliatin'...

if Fred had a-just kept Arnold in the house.

- Maybe I oughta sue Fred for one million dollars. - [ Squealing ]

I'm afraid that-- Darling, is Arnold here?

Uh, no. I thought I heard him talking.

Uh, no, ma'am. That was Cynthia.

Cynthia? Speak.

- [ Squealing ] - Isn't that cute?

Arnold must have taught her last night...

when you sent him out so they could play Romeo and Julius.

- Uh, Lisa-- - You let Arnold out...

to play Romeo and Julius with my Cynthia?

Cynthia was howling all night.

Well, now I guess I know who to sue, and it ain't Fred or Arnold.

I'm namin' you as the "sue-ee."

- Sue-ee? - [ Squealing ]

Well, you must feel pretty proud of yourself.

Now you got her answerin' pig calls.

Come on, Cynthia.

I'll take ya home and slop ya. [ Squealing ]

You know, if I ran into one of my New York friends...

and told them this story--

a dog falls in love with a pig,

my wife becomes the matchmaker,

the pig teaches the dog to oink,

the dog blows the field trials,

and I get sued for a million dollars--

they'd think I was on something.

What are you on?

Lisa, I got troubles enough.

If you hadn't brought Arnold over here--

Well, I felt sorry for Arnold.

He reminded me of you when you were a young pig.

Well, I don't mean that you were a young pig.

Well, you know what I mean. No, I don't.

Well, Arnold and Cynthia reminded me of you and me when we first met.

My father didn't like you, like Mr. Haney doesn't like Arnold.

What do you mean your father didn't like me?

Well, he liked you, but he didn't like your credit rating.

There was nothing wrong with my credit.

Then why didn't he ever cash a check for you?

Because he never had any money. How can you say that?

Remember the dowry I came with?

The dowry-- 25 kopecks and a piece of old lace.

What did you do with the lace?

I gave it to a flamenco dancer I used to know.

You gave my dowry to a "flamingo" dancer?

Lisa, what are we arguing about?

About Arnold and Cynthia and how Arnold reminds me of you when you were a young pig.

Will you stop saying that?

But it's true. Nobody wants them to go out together...

because they're different-- just like you and I were different.

You lost me again.

Well, I was a Hungarian, and you were a--

What is it you were again?

I was an American.

Well, whatever you were, we didn't talk the same language.

Just like Arnold couldn't talk dog-talk...

and Cynthia couldn't talk pig latin.

So they taught each other just like we did.

So that's what you've been talking-- pig latin.

I often wondered what--

You taught me English, and I taught you Hungarian.

And in a little while, we communicated pretty good.

Yes, we did.

Would you like to try a little communication with me right now?

Why not?

Now, what was the first thing I taught you to say in English?

"I love you."

What was the first thing I taught you to say in Hungarian?

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

Well! That's a nice thing to say!

Right in the middle of our big love scene,

you ask me to make you hotcakes.

That's what that means?

Oh. You told me it meant that--

Ah. All these years, I've been--

[ Whimpering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Barking ]

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.