Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Hey, good morning, dear.

Good morning, darling.

Here's your napkin. Thank you.

Is your chair close enough to the table? Oh, fine. Thank you.

Did anybody tell you this morning that you are very handsome?

Well, I haven't seen anybody yet. Uh-- Well, you are very handsome.

All right, Lisa, what did you do?

Well, they say the way to a man's heartburn is through his stomach.

And I can't go the stomach route today, because I ran out of hotcakes' flours,

and I can't make you hotcakes for breakfast.

- You can't make hotcakes? - Should I get the whip?

No, no, just let me sit here and let it sink in.

No hotcakes.

♪♪ [ Happy Whistling ]

Well, you're not very upset.

Well, I'm just covering up for what's inside-- relief.

Don't worry. I made you something else: coffee and toast.

Well, what can you do with a piece of--

No, I better not say that till I see it.

[ Clatters ]

Do you think you want some more toast?

Lisa, why did you put the toaster in the oven?

Well, when I plugged it in, the "electrizzical" didn't work,

so I had to put in the oven to make the toast.

Why didn't you just put the bread in the oven?

Well, if the bread isn't in the toaster, how do you know it is toast?

You know, when you first told me that, I thought it sounded stupid,

but now that you've explained it, I think you're out of your mind.

Well, if you don't want it--

No, no, no. Oh, it's fine. Fine. Just get me some jam.

What kind do you want? Oh, anything: strawberry, peach.

Well, we only have one jar left.

- That's fine. What is it? - Silver polish.

- What happened to all the jam and jelly that we had? - I guess Eb ate it.

Well, all right. Why don't you order some more then?

All right. Well, I put it on my shopping list for Drucker's.

I can't make out your writin', Mrs. Douglas. Is this "six pounds of hotcake flour"?

No. Six hundred pounds. Six hundred?

In case we get snowed in.

All I have on hand is about 15 pounds. I could order the rest special for you.

[ Mouthing Words ] Don't listen to him shaking his head. Order it.

- Is this "jam"? - No, that's ink. My pen was leaking.

No, no, no. I mean this word.

Oh, yes. That's "six jars of jam."

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't carry jam. You see, I don't have any call for it.

- All the women around here put up their own. - Well, I--

I-I do carry the stuff you need to make your own home preserves.

That's nice. What's next on my list? Uh, wait a minute.

That's a good idea. Make your own jam.

Why don't you go and polish the car?

Well, it makes sense. We grow enough fruit.

That's right, Mrs. Douglas. And there ain't anything better than homemade preserves.

Boy, are you two cahooting together?

No, we're not in cahoots. No?

For the first time in two years you ask me for jam.

Then we get here, and then Mr. Drucker says he doesn't carry any,

because all the women make their own.

Then you say, "That will be a good idea."

And then your friend here is trying to sell me all the stuff to make it.

And if that isn't a "cahootey," I never met one.

Look all I said was, it'd be a good idea to make your own jam.

- That's what he said. - You go along with everything the Kingfish says.

- Lisa, we-- - Good mornin'.

Oh, hello there, Mr. Ziffel. Uh, Sam, uh,

Doris sent me over here to get a dozen of them fruit jars. She gonna put up some jam.

Oh, boy. You brought in another cahoot.

Oh, Lisa, it's just a coincidence.

We simply were talking about jam when he happened to walk in.

- Oh, Mrs. Douglas, you gonna put up some jam too, huh? - No.

Ah, there ain't nothin' like homemade jam.

I told Doris when I married her, I didn't want her bringin' in...

none of that store-bought stuff to sog up my toast.

- Doris makes the best jam in the whole valley. - Ah, she sure does.

Oh, you letting them run with the ball now.

Lisa, home preserving is an American tradition.

It started with the Pilgrims. Fife time.

- Huh? - The Pilgrims--

those early settlers, the first to till the soil in America.

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ] They planted their seeds in the rocky soil of Massachusetts.

There it goes.

♪♪ [ Continues ] The sun smiled on their fields--

- I didn't hear anything. - and the crops grew, and the fruits ripened.

And at harvest time, the American farm wife--

♪♪ [ Stops ] Oliver, will you talk quieter? Mr. Ziffel can't hear the fife.

- What fife? - The one that always plays when you make those speeches.

I'm not making a speech.

I'm just trying to point out that making jam is an American tradition.

One which started when the first Yankee settler-- ♪♪ [ Resumes ]

scraped the rocks from the soil of New England with his bare hands.

♪♪ [ Stops ] I think I heard it.

Was it playin' "Stars and Stripes Forever"? No. "Yankee Doodle."

Then I didn't hear it.

All right. Forget the whole thing. Let's get our order and get out of here.

[ Blows ] Whose move is it?

- Your move. - Gee, Dad, it sure is nice of you to teach me chess.

- I am not your dad. - Well, whoever you are, it sure is nice of you to teach me.

Will you move? [ Blows Louder ]

What do you call this again?

- That's a-- - Ooh, I know. It's a prawn.

A pawn. [ Blows ]

Lisa, uh, do you have to make that noise? What noise?

That-- [ Blows ] I wasn't blowing-- [ Breathes Loudly ]

I was blowing-- [ Blows Softly ]

Well, it sounded to me like-- [ Blows Loudly ]

Boy, there sure is a lot of tension around here tonight. It's like a Joan Crawford movie.

Will you move?

- How 'bout if I move my prawn to here? - Pawn.

- [ Blows Loudly ] - Lisa--

[ Bangs Chess Piece ] There you are.

- Checkmate. - What does that mean?

- It means you've lost the game. You can't move. - How 'bout this one?

This is not checkers. Ya can't move like that! [ Blows Loudly ]

Lisa, why are you doing that?

Why, you always get more money for clean diamonds in a prawn shop.

- A pawn shop. - You gonna prawn your diamonds?

Pawn! Pawn! [ Blows Loudly ]

What's all this talk about prawning-- or p-p-p-pawn-- pawning diamonds?

How else am I going to get my getaway money?

What do you need getaway money for?

Well, after the way you talked to me about the jam at Mr. Drucker's,

the only place our marriage can go to is Reno.

Reno?

That's where you go when your marriage is phht.

What do you mean, phht? [ Blows Loudly ]

Lisa, I don't know what you're carrying on about. All I did was ask--

There goes the jam in my face again.

Forget the jam! If you don't want to make it, don't make it!

I don't intend to! Good!

- Well, I'm glad that's settled. - Oh, it's not settled.

Well, Mrs. Douglas said she didn't intend to, and you said, "Good."

That sounds settled to me.

The only thing that's settled around here is that I'm going to bed. Good night!

- Boy, that was a pretty vulgar display of histr'onics. - [ Blows Loudly ]

Oliver. Oliver. Mm.

Are you awake? Mm?

- I am now. - I couldn't sleep either.

- Lisa, what are you-- - Ever since we were married, we always had a rule:

Never to go to sleep while we were mad at each other.

- I'm not mad at you. - Well, I'm mad at you.

You want to say you're sorry?

All right. "You're sorry." Good night. That isn't all.

[ Exhales ] I didn't think it was.

The reason I couldn't sleep was because...

my conscience was bothering me about not making the jam for you.

Oh, forget that.

I can't. In 1924, the Hungarian parliament passed a law...

which said that all Hungarian women...

had to do whatever their husband wanted them to do,

no matter how dumb it was.

Lisa--

It was called the Big Dumb Law of 1924.

If you didn't do the dumb thing your husband wanted you to do-- [ Clicks Tongue ]

you could get into an awful lot of trouble with the Hungarian parliament.

They could make your life miserable.

Lisa, will you let me go to sleep?

As soon as I tell you what I'm going to do.

I am going to make you some jam.

Great.

That way I can kill two birds with one stone:

you and the Hungarian parliament.

Good night. Good night.

Hi. Mrs. Douglas and I are gonna pick some peaches for her jam. Good.

Howdy. Wait a minute.

Weren't you on the other end of the ladder? Yes, sir.

Oh. I saw Laurel and Hardy do this trick on the Late, Late Show.

I don't know how they did it, but it sure works good.

I better see a doctor.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

♪♪ [ Doorbell Chiming ]

♪♪ [ Stops ] [ Bangs ]

♪♪ [ Finishes Last Note ] How do you like it?

Well, it's uh-- The idea is to let the farmer know his county agent is coming.

[ Chuckles ] So he can hide?

Hide what? Oh, I see. It's a joke, huh?

No, not a joke. It had an undercurrent of nastiness to it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I got the chimes idea from Ollie Faber.

He's a county agent over in Carstairs County. Hmm.

Drives and ice-cream truck on the side. Oh.

Does a little moonlighting. Hmm.

Well, not moonlighting. He does it in the daytime.

I guess it's "sunlighting," huh? Well, it's really--

Well, whatever it is, the department frowns on it.

All they want you to sell is agriculture.

Well, that's-- Oh, hey,

Wanna buy an agricultural sandwich?

- Uh, no, thanks. - Maybe Eb would like one.

♪♪ [ Doorbell Chiming ]

♪♪ [ Stops ] [ Bangs ]

♪♪ [ Finishes Last Note ] [ Chuckles ] Catchy tune, isn't?

♪♪ [ Whistling Chime Melody ]

♪♪ [ Stops, Finishes Last Note ]

Kind of a Guy Lombardo ending, huh?

Well, not Guy-- Hello, Mr. Kimball.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Douglas. Say, are those peaches?

I'd like to find out if they're ripe enough.

Oh. Well, I'll have to send them to Washington, make a few tests on 'em--

Probably take a couple of weeks to get the report back,

Course, if they're ripe now, they'll be overripe then.

- It's ripe. - Well, that's another way of telling.

- It's ripe enough to make jam out of. - They are? What kind of jam?

What kind of jam would you make out of peaches?

Peaches, huh? Uh, let me see.

Oliver, how many peaches do we have to pick?

Depends on how many jars you wanna make.

Oh, you can't make jars out of peaches. No, you make them outta glass.

Hey, the department has a bulletin on glass blowing.

Have the got a bulletin on home preserving?

Home preserving. Yeah, yeah. Home preserving.

Oh, here it is. How to Prevent Dry Rot. Aw.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's a different kind of home preserving, eh?

Ooh! Here. How to Make Jams and Jellies. There you are.

Thank you. My pleasure. [ Chuckles ]

[ Exhales ] Now I can report back to the chief:

Another government mission successfully accomplished,

if I can find my keys.

- [ Engine Starts ] - No, I-- I tried that.

It won't work without the keys.

How is the fire? Oh, fine.

How are the peaches? Fine. Picked three bushels.

Good. Now we ready for the jam session.

My I be excused before the fight starts? There isn't gonna be any fight.

Wait'll you hear Mrs. Douglas's first question.

Oh? My first question is, how are we going to get all these peaches into one jar?

Lisa, you don't put all those peaches in-- I told ya.

Yeah. You're excused. Thanks.

Lisa, you're gonna have to have more jars than that.

Have you ever made a jam?

No.

Then don't tell me what I need.

Well, we're going to need more jars than this.

- What did I just say? - I don't know. I didn't listen.

I'll go and get you some more jars from Mr. Drucker.

Now, the first thing they say to do is,

"Add one quarter cup of water to each quart of fruit and boil 10 minutes."

[ Slowly ] Now, one quarter cup--

[ China Clatters ] No, this is a half a cup.

[ China Smashes ]

[ Clicks Tongue ] This is three-fourths of a cup.

- [ China Smashes ] - Hold it!

What's the matter?

When they say, "a quarter of a cup," they don't mean to break the cup.

Well, it doesn't say anything here about not breaking it.

Well, they figure you've got enough sense to know--

They should know better. Uh, here.

Use this. It says, "a quarter of a cup." See?

This isn't a cup. This is a tin can with a handle on it.

Uh, you can use it. Well--

Oliver, there is one thing here I don't understand. One thing.

Yes. It says,

"Boil to the jellying point at 222 degrees at sea level." Mm.

Are we at sea level?

No. I think Hooterville is, uh, two and a half inches above sea level.

Well, then maybe I have to cook it on the floor. That's very logical.

Or... we could go right to where the sea level is. Huh?

Atlantic City. We could rent a room in a hotel, and I could cook it there.

Try the floor first. I'll go and get your jars.

Ah. Howdy, Mr. Douglas. Uh, good morning, Mr. Haney.

Look, I was just on my way into town-- I'm glad I caught you.

I just wanted to say good-bye before I left for Europe. You're going to Europe?

Well, I am, if I can make this sale.

Look, cancel your trip. I'm not buying anything.

Now, just take a look at what I've got on my truck.

Maybe some item will tickle your fancy--

that is, if you got a ticklish fancy. [ Laughs ]

I always like to start the dickering with a joke.

Yeah. Well, it's not much of a joke, and we're not dickering.

Well, now, don't say that until you've done a little browsing around my tailgate.

No, I'm not interested in browsing around--

What is that? Uh, what is what?

That monstrosity.

Mr. Douglas, may I shake your hand? What for?

You show that to a hundred people, and probably not more'n one of 'em...

would recognize it as a genuine Monstrosity.

That is the work of Fettuccine Monstrosity-- [ Sighs ]

the last of the great Italian bathtub makers.

Now, there was no such per-- He made it for Anna Held to take her milk baths in.

If you look closely, you'll see some of the curd around the rim.

I'm not much of a curd looker.

- What is this? - What is that?

Oh, that. That's a miniature aquarium.

It's a jam jar. It is?

Now, I wonder who could use a tub full of them?

How much?

Uh, four dollars apiece. For a jam jar?

Uh, no. For a miniature aquarium.

If you wanna use 'em as a jam jar, they're 20 cents apiece.

I'll take a dozen. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't break up the tubful.

How much for the whole lot?

Includin' the Anna Held bathtub?

No, just the jars.

Shall we say $40?

Shall we say four?

Shall we say eight dollars?

Shall we say five?

Shall we say, we got a deal? We got a deal.

- What are you doing? - It said to crush the peaches,

and in the old country that's how we crushed the grapes to make wine.

So I thought it would be all right for the peaches. You're not in the old country.

Now, put your shoes back on. It took you long enough to learn how to wear them.

Well, that isn't a very nice remark.

- What are you doing with the candles? - Well,

it said to put paraffin on top of the jam-- Yeah.

and we don't have any, so I'm melting the candles and I'm making my own.

- Oh, but Lisa, you-- - As soon as it's melted,

we have to pick the "vicks" out of the "vax."

- The vicks? - The vicks--

what you light so the "vax smelts."

What are "vaxsmelts"?

The stuff that "bloobles" down the side.

[ Mouthing Words ]

Uh, Lisa, where are the instructions? Oh, I went to get them for you.

They fell in.

Here they are. There.

Oh, the ink "schmudded" a little,

so the words are sort of "schmooched" together.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, Lisa, I've been thinking about this jam.

Maybe it's not such a good idea. I've gotta watch my waistline.

I am a failure as a farm wife.

I don't know how to cook. I don't know how to make jam.

I don't know how to sew buttons on your underwear.

- Forget about making the jam. - I can't.

I'm already in enough trouble with the Hungarian parliament as it is.

[ Yelps ] My electric razor. Oh, yes. That fell in too.

I was using it to shave the fuzz off the peaches.

Lisa, look, if you insist on going through with this, get some help.

Ask Mrs. Ziffel to show you how to make preserves.

You don't think that that is cheating? Oh, no.

All right. But you keep on stirring, and I'll be right back.

♪♪ [ Rock And Roll, In Distance ]

♪♪ [ Louder ] Mrs. Ziffel? All right, just a minute.

Arnold, turn that thing off.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

He looks like that advertisement of the dog listening to the phonograph.

No, Arnold's been doin' that for years.

He claims the dog stole the idea from him. Turn it off, Arnold.

- ♪♪ [ Stops ] - Yeah, that's better.

Come on. Let's talk.

I came over to ask you to help me.

You see, I want to learn how to make jam. My husband wants--

Oh, I know-- men. Hmph.

First they marry ya, then they want ya to make beds,

make supper, make biscuits, make jam.

They don't want wives. They want makin' machines.

Boy, it's tough bein' a woman. It sure is.

But I don't know how to do anything else.

Well-- Please?

Well, I've never given my recipe to anybody before. You see, it's kind of a secret.

Even Fred doesn't know about it. Well, I am not going to tell it to anybody.

Promise? I promise.

[ Oliver ] You did these?

Yes.

You sure Mrs. Ziffel didn't give 'em to you? No.

She told me how to do it, and I did it all by myself.

Here.

Taste it.

Uh, you didn't have your shoes off today, did you? No.

With Mrs. Ziffel's method, you leave the shoes on. Good.

That's delicious.

Lisa, I'm proud of you. You see, when you apply yourself to something, what you can do?

Oh, you're gonna make a real farm wife yet.

Would you mind putting that in a letter to the Hungarian parliament?

That's the best peach jam I ever tasted.

Let me ask you one question though. Of course.

[ Tapping ] If you made all these jars of peach jam,

how come you still have all those peaches left?

Oh, boy.

I was supposed to throw those away along with the other jars.

What other jars?

It isn't polite of you to listen to me when I'm talking to myself.

What other jars?

I can see you're going to be a real "schtinker" about this.

I suppose your next question is going to be,

"What were you doing at the supermarket in Pixley?"

No, uh, I wasn't. But now that you've brought it up, what were you doing there?

- Where? - Never mind. I think I understand.

You went to Pixley, bought the peach jam,

came home, emptied the jars into these,

put the labels on and tried to pawn them off as homemade.

All I have to do is give you my name, rank and stereo number.

- Mrs. Ziffel gave you her recipe, didn't she? - Yes.

- Was it difficult to follow? - Mm, no.

Well, then I can't understand why you didn't make jam the way she does for Fred.

She goes to Pixley, buys the jam, puts it in the jars and tells Fred it's homemade.

Oh, boy. You're not going to tell it to Mr. Ziffel, are you?

Because, you see, all these years Mr. Ziffel thought that Mrs. Ziffel was homemade.

Now, if he'll find out that she's store-bought, well, it might break up the marriage.

Yes, I can understand where--

She was a poor girl. And while all the other girls went to jam-making school,

she was trying to win Charleston contests to keep her head above water.

Oh, that's sad.

And then along came Mr. Ziffel.

And he said, he would marry her, if she knew how to make homemade jam.

Well, by that time, her legs were beginning to go back on her,

and she was coming in third and fourth in the Charleston contest.

Well, you know what happens to second-rate Charleston dancers.

Oh, yes, yeah. I've seen them on skid row. Pitiful.

Then you understand why Mrs. Ziffel did what she did.

But it must be a terrible thing to live in the fear that someday...

Fred may find out the truth about the jam.

Mrs. Ziffel is all prepared for it.

Every time she "schneaks" up to Pixley to buy the jam, she takes a Charleston lesson.

You know, when I married you-- [ Chuckles ]

I knew you didn't have too much up here, but the rest of you made up for it.

But now that I'm getting older--

[ Sighs Heavily ]

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.