Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Well, good morning. What's for breakfast? Name cakes.

Name cakes? Hotcakes with names on them.

What? That one is an executive producer.

That was is a written by, and we have a directed by piece of toast.

There's nothing on that.

Well, the names just stay on long enough for their mothers to see them.

Lisa, have you been sniffing your paprika again?

Oh-oh!

Well, they're ready. Yes, uh, but I'm not.

We don't have time for breakfast. We've got to get into Drucker's.

Oh. Is this the big day when we leave everything, whatever it is,

and hit the dusty trail to the big town "Hootersville"?

- Lisa-- - And then, the thrilling moment,

when we enter Drucker's "Empirium"...

and look at all the shelves stuffed with champagne from France,

caviar from Russia, pâté de foie gras from Strasbourg...

and mousetraps from Boston, "Massochusetoots."

- Yeah. Massochusetoots. That's the mousetrap state. - Oh.

Lisa, if you don't want to go in to Hooterville--

Oh, I wouldn't miss it. I already got all my shots and my passport.

Get dressed!

Well, come on, Fred, what is his name?

Well, now don't rush me. I'll think of it.

His name is, uh, uh, Clyde Hawkins, that's who it is.

No, it's not. Kimball, do you know what our state senator's name is?

He don't even know what his name is.

Now just a second, Fred.

I may be a little absentminded, but I certainly know my own--

What is it you said I didn't know?

I'm ashamed of you fellas,

not knowing the name of the fella who represents you in the state senate.

- It's Brad Collins. - Isn't Brad Collins the governor?

- No. - Are you sure?

- I looked it up. - Oh, you didn't know either, huh?

Well, I had to check the spelling for a story I'm writing about him resigning.

I'd just like to bet you 10 cents that most people don't know our senator's name.

I'll take that bet. His name is, uh--

- Mr. Douglas. - Mr. Douglas!

There. Fred, you owe me 10 cents.

That ain't his name.

- I'll bet you who's-it's here doesn't know his name either. - Whose name?

I told you. That's another dime you owe me, Fred.

Just a second. Give Mr. Douglas a chance.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, do you know the name of our state senator? Brad Collins.

- We'll give you one more try. - How come you know it, Mr. Douglas?

I make it a point to know the names of my representatives.

- Why? - That's a good question, Fred.

I was gonna ask him the same thing. Who?

That ain't the question.

How do you know? You haven't heard his answer yet.

Well, I feel if you vote for anyone, you should remember his name.

Oh, hello, there. Good morning, Mrs. Douglas.

How much do you owe me, Fred? I don't owe--

Double or nothing Mrs. Douglas doesn't know.

Mrs. Douglas don't clutter up her pretty little head with dumb information like he does.

What is it you want to know?

You don't happen to know the name of our state senator, do you?

Brad Collins. How come you know that?

I saw it on the nasty letter he wrote to you. What nasty letter?

You know, in answer to the nasty letter you wrote to him.

Oh, it wasn't a nasty letter.

Well, he thought it was. He said he didn't want your stupid advice.

What kind of stupid advice did you give him?

I just told him I thought there ought to be some way to balance the state budget.

- That's pretty stupid. - Mr. Ziffel--

You won't be gettin' any more nasty letters from Brad. He's resigning.

- Why? - No, the question is who.

No, that was the other question. Whatever it was.

Uh, Brad's had enough of politics.

He figures he's at the age where he ought to retire and enjoy himself.

- How old is he? - Ninety-two.

- Ninety-two? - Yeah. He wants to get married and raise a family.

Isn't that nice?

Well, it's impossible.

No, it isn't. My father was 87 when I was born.

Oh, come on.

Well, he was. Otherwise, how can you explain the fact that I am only 22?

Mr. Douglas, if you and the missus are gonna need anything, you'd better order it now.

I got to be in the state capitol for a couple of days.

Oh, are you going to the wedding?

No, I'm on the party nominating committee.

We're gonna nominate somebody to take Brad's place.

Oh, what party is that? The Democratic or Republican?

Oh, we don't have them in this state.

You don't?

Anything you gonna need, Mrs. Douglas?

Yes. Here is my shopping list.

- There's nothing on it. - Well, I guess then we don't need anything.

Have a good time, Mr. Drucker.

Yes. Uh, be sure you pick a good man.

Grover, as chairman of this nominating committee,

I don't think that Claude Wee would make a good state senator. Why not, Dooly?

He's had plenty of political experience.

Grover, runnin' a city dump ain't political experience.

Maybe what we need is a new image.

This time, we ought to put up a feller who can read and write.

- Brad could read and write. - Not when he first started.

You know, it wouldn't hurt if we put up a college man.

There's a lot more of 'em around today.

Either of you fellas got anybody like that in your town?

We got one. Name's Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas-- a three-namer. Now they always work good.

You forgettin' William Jennings Bryant? He was a three-namer.

Well, Mr. Douglas ain't no William Jennings Bryant,

- but he likes to make speeches. - About what?

Oh, mostly about how the American farmer is the backbone of the American economy.

And how it was a farmer that stood on the bridge at Lexington...

and fired the shot heard around the world.

Sounds like a radical to me.

Oh, not Mr. Douglas. He's a real nice fella.

- Only customer I got that pays cash. - That's pretty radical.

Eh, how long you know this, uh, Oliver Jennings Bryant?

- Oliver Wendell Douglas. - Yeah. Well, how long you known him?

Well, let's see, it was about two years ago that he walked into my store...

to have a deed to a farm he'd just bought notarized.

Uh, good afternoon, gentlemen. [ All ] Afternoon.

- [ Grunting ] - Uh, good after--

Uh, I'm, uh, looking for Mr., uh, Drucker?

Oh, that's me. Oh, my name is Douglas. Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- Pleased to meet you. - Douglas Oliver Wendell Douglas?

You got enough name for two fellers.

No-No. There's no Douglas at the front of it. It's just plain Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Well, that ain't very plain.

I'm Joe Carson, manager of the Shady Rest Hotel. You lookin' for a place to stay?

- No. No I-- - I'm Floyd Smoot, and that there's Fred Ziffel.

Well, I'm glad to meet you. You too, Mr. Ziffel.

Yes, sir, howdy. And this is Arnold.

- Arnold say hello to Mr., uh-- - Douglas. Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Thought you said there wasn't any Douglas in front of it? There isn't.

Uh, I wonder if you could help me, Mr. Drucker? I'll be right with ya.

I don't want to miss my train. I understand it leaves for Pixley at 3:10.

Well, you've got an hour and 20 minutes. It's 3:05 now.

Yeah, if you want to leave at 3:10, you should have taken the 1:20.

I'm, uh, I'm supposed to make a bus connection.

I've got to get back to New York. Is there any other way I can get to Pixley?

You could fly. I could?

If you had a plane. I don't have a plane.

Then I wouldn't figure on flying.

You can drive to Pixley if you want.

I haven't got a car. Wanna rent one?

Yes. Where? Pixley.

No, I'm going to Pixley.

Well, you couldn't drive there anyway. The road was washed out by a flash flood.

Yeah. Sure was a "lollapaloozer" of a rain.

When was that? 1928.

If I was you, I-I'd figure on takin' the train.

Meanwhile, if you're in a hurry for somethin', help yourself.

I've got something I want notarized.

Uh, they tell me you're a notary public.

I am when I can find my seal.

Doggone kids keep borrowin' it to crack walnuts. Got the jaws all sprung.

Mr. Drucker, I'd appreciate it if you'd look for it.

This is a very important document.

This is the deed to the Haney place. [ All ] The Haney place?

[ Squealing ]

That's right.

If you want to buy some land for speculation, I've got some bottomland--

Oh, no, no, no. I didn't buy this for speculation. I'm gonna live there and farm it.

[ All ] The Haney place? My wife and I are gonna be your neighbors.

Has your wife seen it? No.

You seen it? Oh, yes.

And you bought it? Mm-hmm, that's right.

What business you in? I'm an attorney.

Maybe you can sue Haney and get your money back. Joe.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, this has been the dream of my life to buy a farm,

move away from the city, plow my own fields, ♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

plant my own soil, to get my hands dirty!

♪♪ [ Continues ] Sweat and strain to make things grow,

to join hands with you, the farmers,

the backbone of our economy.

♪♪ [ Fades ] Sam, Mr. Douglas oughta have that bottomland of mine.

Well, Mr. Douglas, all I can tell you is,

we'll be mighty happy to have you and your wife livin' here in the valley.

And I must say, we have been happy havin' him live in the valley.

- Do you think he'd stand a good chance of bein' elected? - Yes, I do.

Dooly, why don't you and me go down and have a talk with him?

Meeting's adjourned.

Are you sure this dump is where he lives?

Well, that's what Sam said.

Well, good. Get him a lot of sympathy from the voters.

How do you do? Are you William Jennings Oliver?

Uh, no, I'm Oliver William--

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

What do you think, Dooly? Well, he's tall enough.

Yeah, and he don't have no spots on his tie.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I'm Grover Simpson, and this here is Dooly Watkins.

He's chairman of the state senator nominating committee.

Mr. Drucker suggested we might run you for state senator.

Me? Oh, why me?

He doesn't seem to have much self-confidence, does he?

Well-- Can we talk to you, sir?

Well, certainly. Come in. Come in.

State senator. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, gentlemen, this is my wife, Lisa. How do you do?

She ain't gonna hurt none. Wow.

Uh, Lisa, this is Mr. Dooly, Mr. Simpson.

They've, uh, come to talk to me about nominating me for state senator.

- I don't think he could get elected. - What?

- He's never been a movie star. - What?

Well, don't you have to be on the Late, Late Show to get elected?

Uh, that's only when you're running for governor.

And then there was this fellow who had to be a singer and a dancer to get in.

He was running for United States senator.

Oh. Don't you have to have any talent to be a state senator?

Yes, you have to have-- Oh, won't you gentlemen sit down?

Uh, thank you. Oh, uh, t-thank you.

You shoot this sofa yourself, did ya?

Oh, uh, no, no, we-we bought that at--

- Sam said you went to college. - Yes. Harvard.

Harvard, huh? Well, I don't know how folks will feel about them European colleges.

No, no. Harvard is in Massachusetts.

Oh, well, as long as they've got a branch in this country, why--

No, it isn't a branch.

You ever serve in the armed forces?

Well, yes, I was in the air force.

- A desk job? - No, I was a fighter pilot.

Well, how long did you serve in World War I?

World War II.

- Who was that one with? - That one was with--

Sam said when you lived in New York you was a lawyer.

- Yes, I was. - Uh, why'd you come out here?

Well, because all my life, I-I wanted to be a farmer.

I wanted to get away from the rat race of the city, ♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

come out and breathe the fresh air, live in the sunshine,

plant the little seeds in the rich brown earth,

watch them push themselves up threw the soil,

reaching up toward the blue sky and the sunshine...

until they become corn and wheat and alfalfa.

- ♪♪ [ Ends ] - That's a nice speech.

- Did you like the fife? - How's that?

She always thinks she hears a fife. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, what I'm trying to say is that I love growing things.

Yes. Even when we lived in Park Avenue, in a penthouse,

he had a pots farm.

A pots farm?

Well, I grew corn in flowerpots.

He thought more about his corn than he thought about me.

No. No, that's not true.

Do you remember that night on our wedding anniversary, we were all dressed up to go out...

and his corn got sick and he called Dr. Faber.

Dr. Faber. I hurried over as soon as I got Oliver's message. Where is he?

Out on the terrace. What's wrong with him?

I don't know. We were just going out to the party...

and something went wrong with his ears.

Dr. Faber. I didn't want you to come over. I just wanted you to call me.

They said it was urgent. What's wrong with your ears?

Uh, they're full of corn borers.

Oh, well, there's a lot of that going--

What? It's my corn crop. It's infected with corn borers.

Doctor, look at that ear of corn.

Do you know where I was when I got your message?

I was at the theater. Front row, center.

It took me four months to get those tickets for Hello, Doctor.

And just as the curtain was going up, I got an emergency call.

And I rushed over here and what do I find? You've got a sick corn!

Where's your sense of humanity?

The least you can do is examine the corn.

I am an obstetrician.

Everybody's a specialist nowadays!

Where's the old-fashioned corn doctor?

[ Man ] Quiet up there! Shut up yourself!

Oliver. That's New York.

A man's crop is sick, nobody cares. Including me.

Maybe I can get back to the theater before the play is over.

What about my corn?

Take it over to Bellevue! Let them look at it!

While you're there, have them examine your head.

Mr. Douglas, did you take the doctor's advice and have your head examined?

There was nothing wrong with my head.

I was just worried about my crops. I still worry about them.

- Mr. Douglas, how do you get along with your neighbors? - Fine.

- You mind if we talk to them? - Help yourself.

Yes, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm Dooly Watkins and this is Grover Simpson. Now we'd like to ask you--

[ Horn Honking ] Excuse me, gentlemen.

Arnold, here's the school bus waitin'!

Now, gentlemen, what was it you was gonna ask me?

Oh, uh, we're makin' a kind of a political survey about who to run for state senator.

Well, now, my choice would be William Jennings Bryant.

Give me a three-namer any day.

What about Oliver Wendell Douglas? Would you vote for him?

Well, all things being equal, such as nobody runnin' agin him, yeah.

- Don't you like him? - Oh, yes, he's a fine man.

Change his vest at the drop of a hat.

Would you say he was civic-minded?

Mr. Douglas? Why, yes. He's got more civic on his mind than most people.

Is he a member of any local organizations?

Oh, yes. He hadn't been here two weeks...

till he showed up at rehearsal to join our volunteer fire department band.

♪♪ [ Marching: Off-key ]

Would you mind moving back? What?

I said, would you mind moving back?

- No talking in the ranks. - I can't hear.

Ralph is playing the cymbal right in my ear.

A little more "appegio," Ralph.

- Candidate Douglas, what were you playing? - When?

When the rest of them were goin'--

♪ Da da da Da da da da da da ♪♪

♪♪ [ Guitar ]

Ohh!

Could I move somewhere else?

No. We've got you placed "acroustrically."

Now let's practice the marching formation.

Now in this formation, the band will form a fire helmet.

Oh, on hearing my whistle, start marching.

[ Whistle Blows ]

♪♪ [ Off-key ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

Hold it! Hold it!

Now the top part of the helmet's okay, but the brim needs a little work.

Now lets line up and try it again.

And Mr. Douglas has been a member of our band ever since.

Who else would you suggest we talk to about him?

Well, you might try Haney.

I'll be glad to tell you anything about Mr. Douglas that I can.

Uh, fine. He's, uh-- Oh, I'm forgettin' my manners.

Would you fellas like some sarsaparilla?

Why, we'd love some. Mr. Douglas is not only a gentleman,

but he is generous to a fault. [ Chuckles ]

There you are. Well, thank you.

[ Grover ] Thanks. That will be 10 cents apiece, please.

- Ten cents? - Unless you're figurin' on drinkin' 'em someplace else,

then they'll be a four-cent deposit on the bottles.

Uh, no, we'll drink 'em here.

Would you care to rent a bottle opener?

Uh, no, thanks. I think I've got one on my knife.

That ain't legal in Hooterville.

How much for the bottle opener?

Five cents for the first three minutes.

Now, you were gonna tell us somethin' about Mr. Douglas.

Oh, well, he's-- By the way,

how much did you say you was payin' for this information?

We're not payin' anything.

You're not payin' anything?

Well, no.

Well, I'm sorry. It's the rule of the house.

Don't say nothin' nice about nobody unless you get paid for it.

Good day, gentlemen.

[ Sawing ]

You say you've done work for Mr. Douglas? That's right.

What kind of a man is he?

- You mean when he's not a sorehead? - Yeah.

- He's a hothead. - He doesn't get along with labor?

Well, he never came right out and hit me, if that's what you mean.

Would you say he'd make a good state senator?

Yeah, I guess he would, if he didn't have to attend any ribbon-cutting ceremonies.

- I don't understand. - Well, there was a time my brother and I...

just finished redoing his bedroom, and we were gonna to have a grand opening.

What's that? Ribbon, for the ribbon-cuttin' ceremonies.

Oh, this is a bedroom, not-not a freeway.

Oh, darling, if they want to have a ribbon, let them have a ribbon.

All right. Give me the scissors, I'll cut the ribbon.

Not so fast. There's a ceremony goes with it.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Mr. Douglas, we worked hard on this job.

- Hard! - We're proud of our work.

- Proud. - This is an occasion.

An occasion. Yeah.

All right, let me cut the ribbon.

Not so fast. Ralph.

♪♪ [ Bugle ]

Hey, that's pretty impressive. Well, now can I--

♪♪ [ Continues ]

- You finished? - ♪♪ [ Single Note ]

Now? Not so fast. I-I have a short speech.

Oh, please, let me cut the ribbon.

Oh, darling, I would like to hear his speech.

Thank you. [ Sighs ]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to pay tribute to the Monroe brothers.

All right, now give me the scissors! I'm not-- I'm not through.

Yes, you are and get off the furniture.

Have you got the scissors, Ralph? I only brought the bugle.

Oh, they're out in the truck. Will you play something else? No, never mind! Never mind!

Well, that isn't official, but I guess it's all right to go in.

The thing that hurt so much is...

after we went to all that trouble, he didn't like the bedroom.

Well, what did he-- Excuse me. I have a call my brother. It's lunchtime.

Dooly, I think that we best-- ♪♪ [ Bugle ]

You haven't heard from them yet? No.

They should have been able to make up their minds by now.

They asked everybody in the valley about you.

They even asked me a lot of questions. What did you tell them?

I just told them the truth, as I saw it.

That's probably why I haven't heard from them.

No, sir. I told them what a fine man you are...

and what a big raise you're gonna give me.

I'm not gonna give you a raise. [ Lisa ] Oliver!

Mr. Drucker is here. Oh, hello, Mr. Drucker. What have you heard?

- Well, the verdict's in. You're out. - Oh.

Brad Collins ain't gonna resign after all.

You see, his fiancée broke the engagement. They ain't gonna get married.

Why did she change her mind?

Well, she figures he's a little too young for her. He's 92 and she's 96.

She couldn't go along with Brad's idea of settlin' down and raisin' a family.

Well, I can understand that. Sorry, Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, better luck next time. Thank you.

Oh, don't feel too badly over it, darling. Well, I--

- You would've made a wonderful state senator. - Thank you.

And you would've been proud of me when you saw me in the new wardrobe I ordered.

You ordered a--

Do you want me to make you some hotcakes to cheer you up?

How would that cheer me up?

When you get over the heartburn, you always feel so good.

You start the hotcakes, and I'll get the bicarbonate.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.