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Since the beginning of time, man has gazed upwards at

the heavens and speculated upon their cause and purpose.

What is man's place in infinity? Where is he going and why?

Sorry, what did you say your name was?

Clara. I mean, that's the name of my column.

Clara looks at the stars. Peter, Peter Bates.

Oh yes, you're the last one. We've interviewed all the

staff of Happy Home since we took over and you're the last.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Don't know. Depends which way you look at it, I suppose. The rest got fired.

What's he like, this Mr. Terson?

He's all right. He just eats people like you for breakfast.

Yes?

Who's my first appointment?

Clara.

Clara.

Oh sorry, Clara.

Who the hell's she?

She's the he, Peter Bates. He writes the

Clara looks at the stars column in Happy Home.

You mean he used to.

Shall I send him in now?

Yeah, might as well.

Okay.

You're Clara?

Well actually, Peter Bates. It's Clara.

Clara's just the name of my column. Clara's my aunt.

Sit down, Peter. Relax.

Right, Peter. You know we've made a few changes since our group took

over this crummy magazine, so I want to lay it on the line to you.

I don't believe in beating about the bush.

You got something to say, say it. That's my motto.

Good. I can see we think alike. That's what I like to have around me.

People who think like me. Pull together and go, go, go. That's my motto.

Go, go, go.

I'll be honest with you, Pete. I've got to get this

magazine back on its feet. And why, Peter? Frankly, it stinks.

It's like when I took over wife and family.

Crap. Sheer, unadulterated crap. Three months.

That's all it took for me to get it back on its feet. Three months.

What did I do? I fired everybody, changed the title to John Thomas Weekly.

And wham, up went the figures. You see, that's

the title of the '80s. John Thomas Weekly.

And I'll tell you something, Peter. You've got to offer the

public what it wants. That's why I'm so successful. Why?

You offer the public what it wants. Right? You guessed it.

But don't take my word for it, mind. Go check the figures. Figures don't lie.

Yes, indeed. Now I'm landed with this load of crap.

What am I going to do with it? I'll tell you. What makes a happy home?

A happy family. Right. Well, half right. Let me put it another way.

Happy sex. Happy sex. Good. I'm glad you agree with me, Peter.

It shows insight and intelligence. Now what people are

interested in is sex, right? We've established that.

So if you're going to tell them their fortune, what they want to know

is are they going to get it, how often, and when. How's that grab you?

Yes, I'm grabbed. Well, tell me if you don't like the idea.

I'm a great believer in people saying what they think as long as they think like me.

I can always fire them if they don't. No, no. I'm grabbed. I'm terribly grabbed.

Good. What I mean is cut out the tall, dark stranger stuff.

Be specific. If you mean a Jamaican bus conductor, say so.

Well, Mr. Terson, there are problems in being quite so specific.

Well, scrub around them. I'm not trying to write

you column for you. That's what I pay you for.

Assuming I go on paying you, that is. It depends on what you come up with.

Well, I suppose the characteristics of the Zodiac could have a sexual connotation.

That's it. That's the angle. Every issue, a

different sign, your personal sexual horoscope.

I've got no more to say now, Pete. We've cracked

it. Now I want research, first-hand interviews.

Go out and meet the man in the street. Better still,

meet the woman in the street. That's our public.

Oh, take your time, Peter. Research in depth takes time and dedication.

So just come and see me whenever you're ready.

Tomorrow will be fine. Make an appointment with Susie when you go out.

Excuse me, please. I'm interviewing people about their star signs.

Star signs?

Ah, yes. Zodiac.

Yes. Do you think that in any way your star sign in any way

influences your sex life or people's sex life?

Yes, I do.

You do?

No. It's fantastic.

I'm taurean.

Taurean? Do you think your star sign influences your sexuality or your sex life?

I really don't know much about her.

My sex life's only influenced by the availability of contraceptives.

I need a woman every day.

Oh, I'm a Scorpio.

Scorpio? Do you think your star sign has influenced your sexuality in any way?

That's the story of my life, actually.

Well, I'm Pisces born under the moon of Scorpio.

Oh a water sign. What are you doing tonight?

Tell me, do you think your star sign influences your sex life in any way?

Well, I suppose you could say that, yes.

I suppose it would be quite sexy and appealing.

But I don't know whether it works. You see, my boss... What are you doing tonight?

Well, I am rather busy.

Really? So am I, actually. But... Fantastic. Eat sex, toute. Fantastic.

I know you're a man who appreciates honesty,

Peter, and I'm going to be honest with you.

This is all bullshit.

I thought you were going to get me some first-hand research.

I didn't want you to audition for a TV chat show.

I'm disappointed in you, boy.

I thought you were going to bring me some real hot stuff, something of today.

You know what I mean?

Permissive, lascivious.

You want to keep working for me, boy? It's got to be go, go, go.

You got to get stuck right in.

Do you have any problems, Peter?

I mean, you're not a poof or anything, are you?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm glad to hear it, son, because I have a lot of faith in you.

You got to get up and get on the job.

Twelve different birds, a first-hand account

of the twelve different sexual characteristics.

And I do mean first-hand, so no cheating.

You know, a lot of young men would pay me for an assignment like this.

When I was a junior reporter, I had to cover garden parties, baby shows.

I'd have given my right arm for a job like this one.

Do I mean my right arm?

Anyway, that's progress, right?

Right.

Right.

Oh, incidentally, I've got a new name for the magazine.

Instead of Happy Homes, try this for size.

Horny Homes. Do you like it?

Yes, it's very progressive.

Peter!

We think alike.

See you soon, son, and just relax.

Remember, this is your last chance.

I'm going to take a snooze over lunch hour.

OK.

And now I'm going to have a drink and a sandwich.

Want to join me?

Who, me?

Well, there's nobody else here, is there?

Yes, thank you.

OK. Come on, then.

Twenty five pence please.

Thank you.

Go, go, go, eh?

Hmm. Go, go and find another job.

But who the hell wants an astrologer?

And not a very good one.

How did you come to write the column in the first place?

The original Clara was my aunt.

And when she retired, I'd just left school.

I'd always wanted to work in Fleet Street.

But you must have studied for it, surely?

Oh, no.

I just used to freshen up her old copy.

Of course, I've learnt a bit about the subject since.

Well, you can get by, obviously.

But what about the other side of it?

What did the Terson want?

Oh, but that's ridiculous. I mean, I couldn't.

I mean, I'd have been professional.

Did you sort of draw on your own experience?

Oh, yes. I mean, I could, of course.

Partly anyway?

Quite.

Peter?

Yes?

Are you a virgin?

Peter, are you?

Please.

I only asked a question.

- Well... - Well?

Sort of.

What do you mean, sort of? Either you've had it or you haven't.

I mean... - No, I don't think that counts.

You see, my father's a local vicar.

My aunt, Clara, she was a Seventh-day Adventist.

You've got a problem?

Well, I know I may be a bit immature,

but I can't say that I've ever seen it as anything more than an emotional block.

Peter, I'm not getting at you.

It's just that you've been given an assignment

that will make a raving sex maniac hesitate.

I mean, you've got a problem.

I'm not exactly prepared, no.

Yeah, well, this is something we'll have to talk about.

Look, why don't you go and get us another drink?

I'll try and sort something out.

What?

Darling, I don't believe you.

- But it's true. - Poor lamb.

And that horrible boss of mine, I could choke him.

He sounds like a right nutcase.

Oh, he's got his head screwed on when it comes to making money.

It's just that he turns into a kind of hatchet man, I suppose.

And now he's chopping your Peter.

Oh, he's not my Peter. Not yet, anyway.

Goodnight, Cheryl.

I hope he comes before I go out. I'm dying to meet him.

If he does, don't start taking the mickey. He's so sweet.

24 and never been done. I wonder how you managed it.

Darling, you were a virgin once, remember?

I know. It was lovely.

It was a long time ago. Life hasn't been the same since.

There he is. Now, remember, no poaching.

- Hello. - Hello, Peter

Ooh.

Oh, this is my flatmate, Shirley. She's just going out.

Hello, Peter. I mean, hello, goodbye.

- You've got to go. - I'm afraid I do, yes.

Come in.

Bye, Peter.

Goodbye.

I'll probably be gone by the time you get back.

Yeah.

- Darling, he's juicy. - He ought to be.

Oh, you're so lucky.

I know. Take your time coming back, won't you?

Oh, this is only my second date, you know.

Really? Why should it be different from the first?

- I'll see you later. Bye. - Bye.

Right, now, Peter, did you do what I asked?

Yes. It really is very nice of you to help in this way, but...

I'm sure we'll never be able to fool Terson.

Who said we were trying to fool him. Have you got it?

Yes.

The essential characteristics of a Sagittarian. Why?

- Because I'm a Sagittarian. - Oh, are you?

- That's nice. - Why?

- Why? - Why am I nice? Tell me.

Oh, Sagittarians are generally nice people, you know, good-natured.

- Don't you find it warm? - Yes, a bit.

Well, take your jacket off, then.

- Tell me more, Peter. - About your start.

Well, you see, it depends on which decan you were born.

Come again?

Well, you see, this is the first, second and third decans.

If you were born under the influence of Jupiter,

that's between November the 22nd and December the 1st.

- That's right. - Well, that's very good, you see,

because your planet is really Mercury and Jupiter brings out the best in Mercury.

Right.

Well... Anyway, as I was saying, it gives you an optimistic nature.

And you're purposeful?

I always knew how accurate our stars are.

You have a quickness and an aptitude.

Well, I try.

And can think what characterises this period?

And the preparation of plans?

Right.

Well... What on earth are those?

Well, I was thinking of taking up mountaineering.

Well, I hope it's kept you in peak condition, darling.

Tell me, Peter.

Well, being on the cusp.

Cusp?

With the influence of Mars still present.

Those plans that I mentioned will soon result in action.

Oh!.

I don't know what bloody sign you are, but can I have some action from you?

What do I do?

Come on.

Dear Mr Terson, Sagittarius or the sign of the bowman.

Activity is the key note of this sign.

Persons born under it have the faculty of

concentrating very much on the matter in hand.

Like bowmen, they aim for their target and usually score.

However, a feverish excitement often accompanies their work.

Wait, wait.

Sagittarians often wear themselves out in their anxiety to get things done.

She didn't, did she?

She did.

I like it, Peter. I like it.

I mean, this bit about her body moving in an urgent

manner, that Sagittarian need for fulfillment.

I mean, this bit about her orgasm, that really got me right here where it hurts.

In fact, I wouldn't mind meeting her if you don't mind.

Oh, Mr. Terson, you're not asking me to reveal my source of information.

You've got what it takes, Peter.

I like a man who is conscientious on the job.

Well, another level of reports like this one,

as far as I'm concerned, you've got it made.

Well, I thought that maybe for next month I - What are you talking about, boy?

We always work 12 months in advance.

In this game, you haven't got time to stand around.

You've got to get in there and bang it out. That's the only way.

Yes, but. I thought you were a fast worker.

Don't disappoint me, boy.

I like you, but you have to play it straight with me all along the line.

Yes, I'm-- So let's see now.

Today's the 8th.

How about, uh, 22nd.

How's the 22nd suit you? Do you think you can get me everything by then?

But that's only a fortnight.

I'd never be able to do 11 more.

Why not?

That gives you one a day, even gives you three days to spare.

Three days to spare.

Then you can screw for pleasure.

But always put business first, Peter.

Always business first.

Good-bye.

What are you trying to tell me? That you want to knock off a few of my friends?

Well, no, it's just that I've got this problem.

Well, it's your problem. I've helped you out once, and I'll do it again any time.

But I'm certainly not pimping for you.

Of course not.

It's just that, well, I don't know how to go about it.

You did okay last night.

With your help. Sagittarians are generous and good-natured.

They'd always help a lame dog in distress.

I can't say I ever saw you as a lame dog when I was a... Well, never mind.

Still, you've touched on my good nature.

I suppose I'll have to help.

Will you really, Susie?

I'll be so grateful.

I do love you, Susie.

Well, that's probably just first time, love, but we'll see.

Anyway, let's stick to the problem.

You'd better call round at the flat tonight. I'm going out.

Why am I going round?

'Cause Shirley will be washing her hair.

Leave me alone with Shirley.

I wouldn't know what to say.

If I know Shirley, you won't have to say anything. Just hold on.

Hold on.

Won't be a moment.

I don't get it. She definitely said she wasn't going out.

She must have forgotten her date with you.

Yes.

That's not like Susie.

No. Sagittarians generally have very orderly minds.

Oh, yes. You do this stars column, don't you?

That's right.

Bloody thing. It won't work. What a swindle.

I'm going to take it back to the shop.

Perhaps you ought to switch it on at the plug.

These things are so complicated, aren't they?

Now, what were we talking about? Oh, yes, the stars.

What star sign do you think I am, then?

Gemini, I should think.

Peter! What? Never.

Well, then, Geminis have a duality of nature.

They generally jump rapidly from one emotion to the other.

Do I?

Well, I think so.

Oh, well, that must be true, then.

Here you are. You have a go.

You're very adaptable.

And great to grasp situations.

Oh, this is tight.

Oh, that's better.

What were you saying?

Well, you have a very affectionate and generous nature.

That's nice.

Peter, what are you doing?

Oh, well, sorry.

Turn it off my hair is dry now

Thank you. Come on.

Gemini people will often act on the spur of the moment.

If they feel in the mood, they will enter into a sex situation readily.

They are also extremely versatile.

And this can lead to all kinds of experimentation.

At any given moment, they know exactly what they want and go after it.

But their main trouble is that they find it difficult to keep

up their enthusiasm, and that boredom tends to set in quickly.

Hey, I must get a move on.

- Hmm? -Going out.

- What? -Party.

Well, I really enjoyed it, Shirley.

Good.

- I had hoped... -Yes?

...that we might go out to dinner or something.

Sorry.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing.

Oh, come on.

Well, it's just that I know you, you see.

Know what?

I know what Geminians are like.

Once they've made a conquest, they want to move on to pastures new.

I tell you what, you can come with me.

You sure I wouldn't be in the way?

Handsome young males are never in the way where Brenda's concerned.

Who's Brenda?

The hostess.

Tell me more about this Brenda.

She's young, beautiful and rich.

Gosh'.

What star sign is she? Do you know?

Don't you ever give up?

Excuse me.

- Okay, see you later. - Hello, Shirley.

How are you?

All right, thank you.

- I'm fine.

- How are you? -Yeah, this is Peter.

- Hello. -Brenda.

- Hi. -It's ages since I've seen you?

Must get together and have a litte chat.

Maybe this evening some time?

- How's the cat? -Oh, he's grown, beautiful.

- Oh, he's lovely.

Thank you.

- Shirl. - Oh, hello. How are you doing?

- Okay, let's go and dance. -Great.

- See you later. -See you later.

Bye.

You seem lost.

- I'm sorry. - Don't apologise.

It's not my scene either.

Well, it's your party.

I know but people are always inviting me to their parties,

so I thought it was about time I had one of my own.

I hate crowds.

You must be Aquarius.

Aquarius as well.

Yeah, how did you guess?

I knew.

Peter.

What the hell do you want Peter for? You got me?

I kind of feel responsible for him.

Well, everybody's gone.

Oh, Peter's gone too.

Hey.

You're the last one.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't keep apologising for everything.

Sorry.

- Have you got a car? - No.

Well, I'll get you a cab.

No, I haven't got enough money.

Well, I can lend you some.

It's all right. I'll walk.

How far is it?

Oh, it's only about 12 miles or so.

I'll buy it. You can stay.

That boy must be really tired.

I really do think that birth signs influence the character.

I mean, my birth sign's water.

Water?

Rivers. Lakes. I love swimming. Water skiing. Any stretch of water.

Aquarians have a mild disposition that can be

extremely responsive when their passions are aroused.

You're so beautiful.

I wish the alignment would stay.

Perhaps I ought to go.

Help'. Ride the waves honey.

A waterbed.

Aquarians are dedicated people, always seeking to advance the cause of humanity.

They often become teachers.

I don't believe it.

They have a strong desire to instruct.

Susie'. When you come in tomorrow? Find out where I can buy a waterbed.

Peter! Breakfast'.

Don't roll about now or you'll roll about in your scrambled eggs.

Now, I've got to rush. I'm sorry, but I've got an appointment.

But do me a favour and make sure you're out of here by ten.

Because I've got an aunt of mine and she's coming

over and I'm going to leave her the key to get in.

I'll finish this and go.

Usually, my cleaner comes at eight thirty, but she's got

the flu or something, so you're lucky to get a lie in.

Oh, it was lovely last night.

Call me.

Soon.

He must be kidding.

Oh, it's only me.

You forgot your bathrobe.

Do you want it?

I'll fetch it to you.

Oh sorry.

I'm Mrs. Simmons.

There don't seem to be any towels.

I'm the cleaner.

Brenda said you had the flu.

I have, but I made the effort to come in knowing she was expecting.

Expecting?

Her aunt

I had to stay after the party.

I don't know. You young people today.

Well, you don't look much more than twenty-one yourself.

Well, maybe a bit more. I like to forget my

birthday now, although I've got one next week.

Oh, you must be a Taurus.

That's right. Taurus the bull.

It's stubborn and firm-set nature.

You can't change my mind.

I wouldn't try. I'd better get some clothes on.

Come on. Out of it.

You all right?

The cleaner.

That's too much.

The governing planet of this sign is Venus,

emotional and fraught with a primitive urge.

Taurus persons are opportunists. They make do with what comes along.

Taureans have simple tastes, but they are genuine people and extremely liberal.

Always sharing whatever they call kinds of sports and indoor games.

They partner well with most others and frequently

need a strong start to provide with an initial drive.

It's too much.

Good morning, Mrs. Simmons. - Hello.

Oh, my God, it's Brenda's aunt

Mm hmm.

And just what do you think, young man, that you're doing in my niece's bed? I'm sorry.

Just answer the question.

Truthfully.

Well, you'll never believe it, but she did.

Yeah.

Well, she was a Libran, you see. They're very sympathetic and understanding.

Yeah.

That's their sign, the scales of justice. They always balance everything to a nicety.

Peter, you just screw at the end.

Well, it was very odd.

Well, you see, I write this column in the newspaper.

It's called, um, Clara loves the stars with some stories.

Well, mine is a part of the story.

But, anyway, it's in a magazine which has been taken over a bit.

Well, I wish I could get the set up.

Intuition is a guiding force with Librans.

They know whether someone is telling the truth or not.

I think Mrs Doyle felt quite sorry for me in a way.

Librans feel sorry for anyone in an awkward situation.

In fact, they're very susceptible to anyone who impresses them in any way.

Did she screw, Peter? Did she screw?

Their motives are always of the highest.

Did she screw?

They love amusement and excitement.

They love sex, as in all things. They give themselves wholeheartedly.

She was a very mature woman.

Jesus!

Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Terson

Oh, sure, Peter. You must be very tired.

Well, just a little weak.

It's only natural, son.

I think I've got the flu.

I don't know why the hell I should care whether you're ill or not.

I'm sorry.

You're always sorry. You must feel as guilty as hell.

You're from one extreme to the other, from Christian Surbiton to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Well, not quite.

Here you are drink this.

I'm really sorry, Susie. I'm just trying to stay on the job.

You do that all right.

No, I'm finished now. I'm all washed up.

Serves you right.

I think I'm going to go back to bed.

Alone?

Well, unless... No, I've played nurse for you, and that's all I'm going to play.

Good night, Casanova.

Good night, Susie, and thanks.

Yeah?

Mr. Bates on the telephone.

Yeah, put him through.

Hello, Mr. Terson

What's the matter with you, boy?

You sound terrible.

Yes, I won't be able to come into the office today.

No, I'll have to spend a couple of days in bed.

Well, that's all right. So long as you're working.

No, I won't be able to carry on with the assignment, Mr. Terson

No, it's not hygienic.

Y Ha Ha, well, don't worry about it, son.

You're ahead of the game anyway, by my reckoning.

And we don't want to be unhygienic.

This is a family magazine, right?

Right.

So let's keep it clean.

I don't publish anything that's not wholesome and decent and productive, like sex.

Okay, Peter, you take it easy, but not for too long, or you'll fall behind schedule.

And you know something, boy?

I kind of like you.

I kind of feel like you're my own son.

So don't let me have to fire you, boy.

Just turn the goods.

Bye, kid.

Bye, Mr. Terson

Pig

Good night, Susie.

Good night.

Pig

Morning.

Oh, hello. How are you?

Oh, fine.

Oh, good. Got over your flu.

Yes, I found a new cure for it.

Oh, what's that?

Would you cough, please?

He needs to get his temperature down.

Yes.

Don't worry, he's given me something that'll make you better.

I know what I need to make me better.

What?

You.

This will put him right.

He seems like a strong young man.

He is.

He'll be back on the job before too long. - He will

He's in bed, and then he could get out and about again.

Oh, I still feel terrible.

I wish Susie were here.

Let's go, go, go, boy.

Jesus.

I don't feel I could go with anything at the moment.

Suppose I'm gonna get the sack

I could always be a bus conductor.

But would Susie want to go out with a bus conductor?

Scorpio people are extremely blunt. They need to control their tempers.

But when the need demands, scorpions are bold. They have great self-confidence.

And when they feel they're in control of a

situation, they can move into action immediately.

Once roused to action, they are swift and determined.

Sometimes, however, the scorpions' fine traits will give way to selfishness.

And their forceful determination can be

applied in many ways which are not admirable.

Such as in the extraction of money for services rendered.

The success of unions with Scorpio depends greatly upon the individuals involved.

This boy's performance record is incredible. Almost unbelievable. He wouldn't try to

pull the wool over my eyes now. Or would he? I'm going to follow him and find out.

What on earth happened to you? You were right this morning?

I took a walk in the park. - Fresh air should have done you good.

It should have, but it didn't. - I told you to

keep yourself well wrapped up.- I meant to.

You're hopeless. What are we going to do with you?

Anyway, it's too late now. I'm never going to get it done on time.

Yes, you will. Get better by Thursday. - What happens on Thursday?

Well, it's against my better nature, but I know how determined you are.

What? - I'm so kind and good and tolerant, it

almost kills me. But look what I found. On page 27.

No, it's no good. My eyes are watering. A novelty dance, my pet.

And what's the novelty, you ask? A zodiac evening.

Oh, I didn't see that. Hell, I've already done that. Brenda's aunt.

Do you have a lighter, young lady?

Thank you. Would you care for a drink?

A lot of nice girls here.

Excuse me. You haven't seen a girl walking around

here at all, have you, in the last hour or so?

No, nobody except me. I'm not waiting around for that idiot much longer.

Only, I'm a bit late, you see. What does she look like?

Well, I remember it. She had blonde hair and she's a Leo.

Oh, I'm a Leo. I haven't got blonde hair.

Why? You wouldn't care to go for a little walk, would you?

Leo is the sign of exuberance and it takes its

brilliance from its governing planet, the sun.

They are high minded and can be high handed.

Problems can arise for them, however, if they ever fall from their pedestals.

They love outdoor life. They like everything that is active.

And whatever they do, they do with an inherent vigor.

They seek appreciation and affection as quickly as they give it.

Cancerians are fond of domestic peace, tranquil, traditional earth mothers.

They are home loving, fond of family life.

But they do enjoy adventure as well.

They succeed in love and for them quality counts.

And now, is there a Greek bird in the house?

You know something about you, you've all got such big egos.

Let's hear some of that Greek chorus.

Oh, no, you didn't want somebody else, young lady.

No, no, we can't go up there, there's somebody I don't want to see out there.

In spite of their analytical ability, virgos can bog themselves down in detail.

Leaving important questions right to the end.

Imagine rules the Virgo mind, making them fearful of accidents.

Of illness and financial problems.

They are much given to intellectual pursuits.

Virgos often stick very close to their name.

Oh, well, can't win them all.

What do you want? Applause?

It was your idea, sweetest.

Yes, I know, I wish I could curb my bloody, happy, cheerful disposition.

Oh, well, that comes from Jupiter, your governing planet.

I know that.

Sorry.

Right, what's the score now?

You shot Virgo home after the dance?

And then it was loving the haystacks with Leo the next day.

Not the haystacks?

You know what I mean, spare me the sordid details, please.

Yesterday was domestic bliss on a barge.

Oh, I'm lost, how many more have we got to go?

Capricorn, Pisces, Aries.

What about Scorpio?

I've done that one

You've done what?

Oh, I forgot to tell you, it was when I got up after flu in the past.

So that's how you got your second dose?

Flu, yes.

Scorpions are very dominant.

You rat.

What?

I only agreed to help you if you took me into your confidence.

Well, I did.

You cheated.

While I was at work worrying over you, you were playing bloody jackrabbit in the park.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry? Well, I'm sorry, too.

But we're finished.

Look after yourself.

You were nothing when you came into my office.

And look at you now, look at you.

Bloody sex crazed maniac

Susie'.

Susie's right.

I'm no good to myself or anyone else.

I used to think it was bad enough when I had a quiet wank.

But now, well... I'm a sex maniac.

Perhaps I should go and pray.

It wouldn't help.

I may be a hypocrite.

I know what I'll do.

I'll drown myself.

It's very quick and it'll be over in no time.

I'll wait until it gets quiet.

Then just swim out as far as I can go.

Then when I'm tired, just turn on my back and drift.

I shall stay very calm.

Very peaceful.

I only hope no idiot tries to save me.

I won't leave a note.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

With a bit of luck, they won't even find my body.

Then no one will know.

Not that I'm likely to be missed.

In any case, who's going to miss a rat like me?

Perhaps I ought to leave a note for Susie.

Susie, I'm sorry I failed you.

Remove all constrictive clothing.

Pisces.

What are you doing?

I've got to do artificial respiration, just in case.

It's all right, just relax.

The governing planet, Jupiter,

has endowed Pisces people with a nature so generous that it becomes over-trustful.

Pisces people must beware of this weakness,

believing at all times others know better than they do.

Modest and unassuming persons of this sign fail to realize their own possibilities.

Are you sure this is artificial respiration?

Quite sure.

They rely upon the promises of other people and are easily duped.

They bear the brunt of their own trusting natures.

They can be the victims of subtle plots, which they never even suspect.

The less said about this situation, the better.

I was actually picked up by this woman.

In the most undignified situation.

But she says she's a Capricorn

Capricorn is a scholarly and intellectual sign.

Its people are calm and deliberate in method and action.

They approach new subjects in a scholarly fashion.

They're always trying to increase their range of knowledge.

Good organizers and philosophers, they like to work things out in privacy.

This is the influence of satire, the love of solitude.

It's like a terrible trap.

Except that bastard Terson was somewhere up

there guiding me, but waiting for me to fail.

Want a nice time, deary?

Well, it depends on what star sign you are.

Virgo, what else?

No, thanks. I've done that one.

Well, tomorrow's Monday.

I've failed.

What was it you said, Mr. Terson?

That you put your faith in me.

Well, I've failed.

I've let you down.

I've let myself down.

I've let Susie down.

Susie, darling, come in.

Uh, exercises.

Just popped in for the rent, dear.

If it's convenient.

Yes.

I've only got one week, I'm afraid.

Never mind. I'll put that on next week's arrears.

Thank you.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm just tired, overtired.

I had to do a research project.

Oh, yes. Did it go well?

No.

I couldn't find an Aries.

Go on. Is that what you were looking for?

Yes.

I'm an Aries. Can I help?

I don't mind what I do.

I've always wanted to know more about the stars.

No, thanks.

Are you sure?

Sure.

I know the minute that I was born.

It's not that sort of project.

Not a horoscope?

No.

Well, if you change your mind, if you want anything...

Thank you very much. Thank you.

You know where to come.

Thank you.

And get it.

You're very kind. Thank you.

I've finished, Mr. Terson?

Except one.

One?

If I could have just maybe a day or two or - When we say

we will do something, we deliver there and then on schedule.

Hello, Peter.

Hello, Arthur.

How's Clara?

Dying, I think.

Oh, dear. Sorry to hear that.

How's your gardening column?

I've switched to advice on contraception.

You've got to keep up with the times, you know.

It would be a waste of your fertile imagination.

I know. Bye.

Are you Clara?

I was.

Was?

Well, they're changing it all. Scrapping the column

Unless... What?

When's your birthday?

April the 20th.

You're on the cusp.

I am?

The Martian carry over from Venus gives his cusp an impetuosity.

Really?

Yes.

One that is both powerful and dangerous,

with a stubborn and self-willed nature of Taurus.

You don't say.

They're ringing for the lift, you know.

Venus is an emotional, pleasure-giving planet.

I'm sure.

Where are we going?

Down.

Can I borrow your typewriter?

Oh, I suppose so.

Oh, I only work here.

Persons born under the sign of Aries are keen, creative, impulsive and headstrong.

The sign of Aries is the ram.

He's here.

OK, send him in.

They have an ambitious and active nature,

and the governing planet adds an aggressive touch.

Come in, Peter, come in.

Well, have you got it for me?

Just, Mr. Terson, just.

Aries people enjoy entertainment of all kinds.

I like it, I like it.

Great, fantastic.

Aries people make friends quickly and promote harmonious situations.

I can't believe it.

You mean you met her in the lift coming here?

Well, Aries is a sign you can have a good deal of confidence in her.

You mean you actually knew?

Jesus, and across the bottom of a car'.

My cart.

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was your car.

Oh, oh, you're welcome, you're welcome.

Hello.

Mr. Terson.

Yeah?

Your wife's here.

My wife?

Oh, I won't be long.

He won't keep you long, Mrs. Terson.

Oh, that's all right.

My fault for being late.

I, uh, got stuck in some traffic.

My wife?

I'm very sorry, Mr. Terson, I didn't know.

Out.

You're fired, unemployed, understand?

Not that door!

I don't want you to contaminate my wife again!

What are you, some kind of sex maniac?

Is it anybody important with him?

No, not at all.

A very junior employee, in fact.

Oh, well, in that case, I think I'll go in.

OK.

I try not to be.

Oh, hello, darling. Sorry to interrupt, I... Oh, hello.

Morning.

Listen, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Susie'.

For the love of God, a glass of water, please.

Thank you.

What you don't seem to realise is that I own 60% of the shares in this corporation.

You only sit at this desk because I allow you to sit here.

It's all been an absolute disaster.

Oh, why couldn't they let me just carry on being Clara?

What's wrong with Clara, anyway?

I like Clara.

And so do tens of thousands of ordinary housewives, just like me.

We believe in the concept of happy home.

Yes, dear, I take your point.

You don't take anything.

You're just a mean and grubby-minded, sexually-orientated male

that believed women were born slaves to men.

Oh, no, I don't think that.

No, I think that... - I'm fired, Susie.

After all that, I'm fired.

I wouldn't mind if I hadn't lost your respect.

And I'll probably suffer eternal damnation as well.

Oh, shut up, Percy. I'm sick of your bitching.

Now you're the one that's fired.

Oh, now, don't let's be hasty, dear.

Oh, don't you think I can replace you?

That kid out there can do your job just as well.

You know what he's got? He's got spunk.

Well, thanks for everything, Susie.

- I'd just like to say that... - Yes?

I'm really sorry.

- Hey, you'. - Me?

Yes, what's your name?

Oh, Peter... Peter Bates.

- You're hired again. - Fired?

No, hired!

Peter, let's talk about this'.

Oh, you shut up!

You shut up!

Susie, now I've got my job back.

Will you marry me?

That depends on what job you've got back.

Oh, Aries set high and worthy standards.

I'm sure we'll be back to happy home.

Are you sure?

I'm the expert.

That's just as well, because I'm pregnant.

So that is where babies come from.

In marriage, Sagittarius is often called the bachelor side.

Because these freedom-loving people can get along quite well on their own.

Because they are so cheerful and considerate,

they become good marriage partners, too.