Original subtitles

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( KNOCK )

Come on in, Jeanie.

Hi. Hi.

You want something to eat before we go?

Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, you're not gonna believe this,

but Remo made breakfast for me in bed this morning.

Mork did that for me once.

It was a real surprise sliding under the covers

and into a bowl of oatmeal.

Oh, hi. Oh!

( MUMBLES )

What was that?

MINDY ( GASPS ): Oh, no!

JEANIE: Your teeth are gone.

Oh, no, no. This is just paper.

I just wanted to look like all the other hockey players.

So how'd you enjoy your first game?

Well, it was kind of strange.

As near as I can figure out, the object of the game

is to wait until the referee drops the puck on the ice

and hit the guy next to you.

Then you skate around for two hours,

trip people till you get a stick through the skull.

I'd love to stay around here

and swap a lot of jock stories,

but I've got a job interview to get ready for.

( BOTH CHUCKLE )

Maybe they'll make me a congressman.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

I wonder where Mork is.

He was supposed to meet me here over a half an hour ago.

Boy, I hope that means he's found a job.

Oh, what kind of job is he looking for?

Anything that'll pay him enough to live on.

He's looking in the wrong country.

Ta-da!

Presenting the first official Remo DaVinci wedding cake.

Remo, that's really nice.

It's for the reception here tomorrow.

Note the unique corkscrew construction.

"Why?" you may ask.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Voilà!

Do you dig the symbolism?

I'm not quite sure.

Marriage is like a ride down a wedding cake.

You know, you might be educated.

I'm deep.

Remo, it's just that I think it's a little silly

to have a wedding reception in a delicatessen.

I want people to look upon me

as more than a tongue-and-tuna man.

This is our chance to be a class operation.

I never heard that one on Fantasy Island.

Come on and I'll help you decorate

the Betty Crocker Speedway.

How would you like you tongue depressed?

How would you like a knackwurst up your nose?

MINDY: Mork, what happened?

Mindy, you don't want to talk to me.

I'm spider spit.

Oh, I'm… I'm not fit to oil your Olay.

You didn't get the job.

No, it was worse. I got it.

But then I… Then I lost it because of my suspenders.

What are you talking about?

There were 32 little homicidal midgets

masquerading as children.

They bit me in places I can't even reach.

Well, where did you get all the green paint?

Never play leapfrog with a child who's into realism.

What does this all have to do with your suspenders?

Well, I left them wrapped around his little head.

As I left, I saw him going:

( IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): "Help me! Help me!"

Well, I'm sorry you had such a rough day.

Mindy, what's the matter with me? I…

There's gotta be something I can do.

There's gotta be a job.

I know it. Dressed like this, I could be a punk comedian.

Knock-knock. Who's there?

Who cares? Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Mork.

Don't give up. I know there's a job out there somewhere.

There's got to be.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Excuse me. Uh, is Mr. DaVinci here?

Oh, yes, he is, Father. He's in the back.

Thank you.

Why do you call him "Father"?

Well, because everyone calls him Father.

Boy, he must be a real busy guy.

No.

No, Mork. He's with the Church.

You know, as a priest.

Uh, his job is to help people.

Oh, maybe he can get me some paint remover.

Don't worry about a thing, Father.

I'm gonna provide the best possible wedding reception

for the future Winslows.

Well, I just want to make sure

they don't start their marriage off on the wrong foot.

Just leave everything to Mr. Remo of Boulder.

I'm gonna create the perfect nuptial atmosphere.

- See these salamis back here? - PRIEST: Mm-hm.

I'm gonna hang bells on them.

And I'm gonna have this big Cupid

come down from the ceiling.

Fully dressed, Father. Fully dressed.

Oh, yes, uh,

well, you better do your best.

Don't force me to make any threatening prayers.

Got you, Padre. Got you.

Excuse me, everyone. Father?

Ah, how do you do? I'm Father Denny.

I'm Mork, the screwup.

Is it true that you help people?

Well, I try to help people. Why, do you have a problem?

Um, excuse me, Father, but Mork's depressed

because he can't hold a job.

And he feels like a loser.

Oh, well, how do you think I felt

when TIME magazine announced that, uh, God was dead?

Of course, it just turned out to be a rumor after all.

Well, is there any way you can help me, Father?

Well, I could give you a bit of advice.

When you're standing there at home plate,

it doesn't matter whether you're a slugger or a bunter.

You've got to lean into the ball.

Thanks, Father. That kind of helps.

That's from my sermon to the newlyweds.

Uh, now, uh, do you really want to work?

Oh, yes, sir. I don't want to be a hickey on the neck of life.

That's very poetic, Mork.

Uh…

Remo. Yes, Father?

Why don't you give this boy a job?

( LAUGHING ): You mean Mork?

Look, I love him, Father. I… I really love him,

but, um, the last time I asked him to help me,

he used the exhaust fan to slice bologna.

I had sandwiches three blocks away.

Well, uh, could you just, uh,

give him something to do for the reception?

You'd be helping him a lot.

I think I remember hearing that God helps those

who help themselves.

Well, maybe you also heard that he can be a little rough

on those that don't help others.

You get my drift?

Oh, I get it.

He's gonna make me an offer I can't refuse.

( LAUGHS ): Right.

Knife. Knife.

Fork. Fork.

Mayo. Mayo.

Mork?

Hold the mayo.

Did you take out the garbage like I asked you?

No, the roaches aren't finished with it yet.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm classing the joint up

so that Father Denny doesn't put a curse on me.

Oh, he's into voodoo. I know about that.

( CHANTS )

( IN HIGH VOICE ): The drums, they make me sweat.

( IN NORMAL VOICE ): Shut up and drink your quinine.

( LAUGHS )

Oh, how you doing, fellas?

REMO: Hi, Father.

Oh, I really like what you've done with the place.

Really, Father?

No, not really.

Actually, a priest has to kind of fib

every now and then too.

Don't worry, Father. Everything's gonna be all right

because I'm in charge of les décorations.

- Well, what do you have in mind? - Let me show you.

It's my amazing, new creation.

It's a centerpiece, carved completely out of chopped liver,

of the bride and groom.

Do you like where I put the pickle?

Nobody's ever asked me that question before.

Laurie, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be married in two hours.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

This is amazing. I can see her clear as day.

What do you mean? You can't see the bride

before she's married.

Father, I'm getting cold feet.

Well, you can use my socks if you want.

Father, I don't know if…

If I want to give up my freedom.

Oh, well, let's sit down over here

and discuss this, all right?

Here. Take a seat.

Now…

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Pace, pace, pace, pace.

Ecap, ecap, ecap, ecap.

Pace, pace, pace…

Hi.

Oh, you're finally home.

Yeah. I'm sorry I'm late. I wanted to buy a few things

and I lost track of time.

Oh. Did you miss me?

No, but I have some really exciting news for you.

Oh, great. Tell me your news.

No, you tell me your news first.

I don't have any news.

Why do I have to do everything around here?

Mork, your news? All right.

I've decided what I want to do with my life.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Close.

I want to be a priest.

That's ludicrous.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

After seeing Father Denny yesterday,

I realized what I really want to do.

Why?

Well, because I want to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

I don't know. Whatever Father Denny celebrates.

Mork, Father Denny didn't say he celebrates.

He said he's celibate.

What's that mean?

It means that he's married to the Church.

Oh, you're gonna tell me that?

Wow, where's he gonna get a ring that big, huh?

Mork, you can't be a priest.

Why not, Mindy? They do what I want to do.

They help people, they solve problems, they play bingo.

Yeah, but, Mork, sometimes those problems

are a matter of life and death,

and a priest can only deal with them

through his faith.

Look, Mork, tomorrow morning,

I'll take you to the church myself,

and Father Denny will explain to you

why you can't become a priest.

Oh, Mindy, don't you see all the advantages of it, though?

You get to wear a black habit. I can dress up like Johnny Cash.

( IMITATING JOHNNY CASH ): Hi, I'm Father Mork.

( NORMAL VOICE ): Besides, I've seen

all the movies about priests.

"Tommy, give me that gun you meshugenah. Put it down."

And there's… And there's no such thing as a bad boy.

Only great girls.

And besides, it… It's part of a worldwide franchise.

Just look for the golden steeple. Over 8 billion souls.

There's great possibilities.

A little puff of smoke, and there's no place like Rome,

there's no place like Rome.

There I am on the Vatican.

( IMITATES CROWD CHEERING )

( IMITATING LATIN )

Play ball!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Oh, this place is wonderful.

Real beautiful.

The windows don't match, but it's still neat.

Oh, don't they know there's an energy crisis?

They're wasting precious wax, here.

Whoa, great place for an echo.

Hello!

Excuse me, Father.

You shouldn't be yelling in church.

Why not? It's a great echo.

Anyway, I have to talk to you, Father.

Oh, don't call me Father. Don't be so formal.

Call me Pops.

Okay, Pops, um…

I've got kind of a problem.

Well, tell me your problem. Perhaps we can solve it.

I've been sitting over there in that pew, and…

The first thing you have to do is move to a cleaner seat.

I was kind of thinking about the things

I've been writing on the bus-station walls.

Oh, I've seen some of your stuff. I really enjoy it.

"Gate 13," "Ladies,"

and "The Marines are looking for a few good men."

I think somebody else writes that stuff.

The things I write are more along the lines of, uh…

( WHISPERS )

Oh, there should be flies buzzing around you.

I know.

What I don't know is how I can be forgiven.

Well, first of all, you have to start all over again.

Erase that stuff and put something people want to read,

like, "Nuclear energy cures acne,"

or "Frank Sinatra's made his last comeback."

Yeah, I'll do that right away.

Thank you, Fath… Uh, Pops.

Well, excuse me, son.

Do you know where I can find Father Denny?

I don't know. He can't be here all the time.

I think it's his disco night.

I guess I better call him at home then.

Thank you.

Now, let's see. Where's the phone?

Oh, excuse me please, Father.

What can I do for you, my son?

Well, you must be the new priest.

My, aren't you awfully young.

Well, come back in a year, I'll be a little older.

Ar-ar!

Bless you, Father.

Bless you.

Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you, Father. Bless you. Bless you.

MORK: Bless you!

Let's see.

Go to the phone.

No dime.

( MUMBLES )

Thank you.

Now, let's see…

Whoa! You'd think this was New York.

Somebody ripped off the phone!

MORK: It's so dark. I can't see…

You did what with whom?

Hey, wait, hold on. Wait a minute!

I got a story for you. Wait, come back!

Hey, wait. It's a story. It's a great joke. Come on…

Hey, I listened to your story.

MORK: Wait.

Must be a full moon.

Here you are.

I… I need a priest to give the last rites.

Well, this is a democracy.

You always have rights, as long as you vote.

Wait a minute. You act like you don't know

what last rites are.

Oh, of course, I do, my son.

Last rites is when you add the fabric softener.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's the last rinse.

First it was funny newscasters, now it's funny priests.

Last rites is what a priest says when someone is dying.

Someone's dying? Yeah. Me.

From what? From suicide.

I'm gonna kill myself.

Why?

I have nothing to live for.

Don't you realize that living is a precious thing?

It's the meat in the sandwich of life.

It's my life. I can have it here or to go.

Well, I guess it's bad taste to say good luck,

so ciao.

Hey, a-a-aren't you even gonna try to talk me out of it?

Why? You said it was your life. I guess all you have to do

is go up to the plate of life and bunt.

I don't believe this.

- Why? - Well, I stand here and tell you

I'm gonna kill myself,

and you don't even try to help me.

You want help? All right. I…

It doesn't sound like the right thing,

- but I'll give you some help. - Sit down, my son.

Well, let's see. You have to kill yourself.

Here's a good way.

Wear a tutu and go into a leather bar.

Oh, here's another one. Here's another one.

You try and smoke a real camel.

I knew I should have gone to St. Paul's.

No, no, here's a really good one.

You go upstairs and hang in the big church bell.

I go and play "Jingle Bells."

By the time I get to "in a one-horse open sleigh,"

you're a dead ringer.

No, wait!

Why don't you try and slip into a pair of water moccasins?

Let me out of here.

Déjà pew.

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

What are you doing dressed like that?

Well, I happened to run into a Jesuit garage sale.

Well, actually, Mindy, I just want to be dressed correctly

when we go to see Father Denny.

Somehow I don't think that's appropriate.

Well, you're right.

Basic black is a little plain. Can I borrow your pearls?

Look, Mork,

I don't mind going to the church with you this morning,

but I really wish you'd try and dress

like a normal person and just try to fit in.

I fit in last night.

What do you mean you fit in last night?

Oh, dopey me.

You went to St. Peter's last night like that?

Yes, but it's all right, though. I…

I helped this man to commit suicide.

You what?

Well, he… He didn't know how to do it,

so I gave him 50 ways to meet his maker.

Oh, no, Mork.

You might have really done it this time.

Come on. We're gonna go see Father Denny.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

Ah, good morning, Mindy and…

Father Mork?

Uh, Father Denny, Mork has a confession to make.

Confession.

Well, uh, would you like to step into my office?

I was in there last night.

You should know someone ripped off your phone.

You were here last night? Were you dressed like that?

Well, that's kind of what he wants to confess.

Well, um, I want to be a priest.

You want to be a priest?

Do you think you have a genuine calling?

No, just a black dress.

But I came in here last night to apply for a job

and I was trying to fill out the application,

and people started coming to me for help.

Uh, well, you see, ahem,

I guess, apparently, last night,

someone came in on the verge of suicide and…

Suicide? What was his name? What did he look like?

I don't commit to memory people who are not gonna make it.

Do you realize you could've been the cause of someone's death

just because you wanted to play priest?

I wanted to be a priest just like you.

But I've spent six years studying to be a priest.

Look, son,

it's no sin to be a nitwit.

But if you're gonna go around giving out counsel and advice

without the tools of education and experience,

you could do more harm than good.

All right, you've done something unforgivable.

There's no excuse.

I want you to get in there

and take that cassock off right now.

With all these buttons in the dark?

Go!

Well, hasn't the Church ever heard of a zipper?

Oh!

I'm really sorry about this, Father Denny.

It's just that Mork is so impressionable,

and he really did want to be a priest.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the young priest

who was on duty here last night.

Uh, he's, uh, no longer with St. Peter's.

Uh, yeah, he was only a temporary.

They have temporary priests?

Sure, they're kind of like Kelly Girls,

only they carry rosary beads instead of little white gloves.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, I… I wish he were here,

because I wanted to thank him for saving my life.

He saved your life? Yeah.

I came in here last night all ready to commit suicide.

I never expected a priest

to give me advice on how to kill myself.

It was the one thing I wasn't prepared for.

Well, how do you feel about suicide now?

Oh, suicide's no answer.

And he made me realize just how foolish I was being.

No kidding?

If you ever see him again,

please tell him that he's a… He's a great priest

and a wonderful judge of human nature.

All right, Mork.

Now, you tried your best

to throw that man out at the plate,

but luckily he was able to slide into home

on his own safely.

It seems that what you said to that man last night

was exactly what he needed to hear.

In fact, you actually saved his life.

I did? Yes.

Now I have just one thing to say to you.

Well, thank you.

You do it again,

and I'm gonna kick your cassock from here to kingdom come!

You know, what I don't understand

is why you did it in the first place.

Well, I don't seem to be able to do anything right,

and I… I saw the way you respected Father Denny.

And I thought if I became a priest,

you'd respect me too.

Oh, Mork.

I respect you more than any person I know.

Well, I can't seem to get a job.

I don't even make it through job interviews.

Oh, Mork. But what you have

is the integrity to be yourself.

I mean, even when it means you're out of step

with the entire planet.

And I think that's really special.

Yeah.

At least I've realized now

that I… I don't want to be a priest.

Good. I'm glad you finally understand.

I want to become a nun.

MORK: Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

( IN GREGORIAN CHANT ): ♪ Mork calling Orson ♪

♪ Come in, Orson ♪

♪ Mork calling Orson ♪

♪ Come in, he who is fatter Than all before him ♪

ORSON: What now, my Mork?

Ah, Orson, it's been a wonderful week.

I've learned to have faith in myself.

That's all any person needs, Mork.

No, sir. Not on Earth, it isn't.

You see, on Earth, they have the bigger, the jumbo size.

It's called faith in God.

Do all Earthlings believe in God?

Most of them do, sir, especially when things get real hairy.

But how can they believe in something

that science cannot prove?

Oh, that's the amazing part, sir. Because you see,

that's where something called "faith" comes in.

You see, many people believe in God

even though they don't see him, and they're called religious.

Then there are a few people who believe and they do see him.

What are they called?

Prophets or meshugenahs.

Strange, these Earthlings.

They need to believe in something they cannot see.

I know, sir. But they don't have to see it.

They feel it in their souls.

What's a soul?

I don't know.

No one knows what it is or… Or where it is.

Let me get this straight:

On Earth, faith is the belief

in something you can't see,

which you feel in a place you can't feel.

You got it, big boy.

I need a drink.

Oh, come on, Orson. It's not that hard.

All one has to do to prove one's faith

is to look up in the sky.

For example, where do stars come from?

They were created long ago by natural forces.

How do you know? Were you there?

Of course not. It's a scientific theory.

You just have to accept it.

On faith.

Well, uh… Uh, kind of. Uh…

What do you believe, Mork?

Well, sir, I believe that the universe

is one great big ball.

And what created that ball?

I don't know, sir. All I know is that if God didn't,

at least he lets us play with it

and hopes that we don't fumble.

So until next week, this is Mork signing off.

Nanu, nanu.

( WHISTLES )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )