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1
00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:05,571
MORK: Nanu, nanu!
2
00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:11,578
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
3
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( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
4
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,161
( KNOCK )
5
00:01:36,162 --> 00:01:38,164
Come on in, Jeanie.
6
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,667
Hi. Hi.
7
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,168
You want something to eat
before we go?
8
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Oh, no, thanks.
9
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:45,671
Oh, you're not gonna
believe this,
10
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:48,674
but Remo made breakfast
for me in bed this morning.
11
00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,676
Mork did that for me once.
12
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,678
It was a real surprise
sliding under the covers
13
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:55,181
and into a bowl of oatmeal.
14
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,684
Oh, hi. Oh!
15
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,185
( MUMBLES )
16
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:01,687
What was that?
17
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,690
MINDY ( GASPS ): Oh, no!
18
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:05,691
JEANIE: Your teeth are gone.
19
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,192
Oh, no, no. This is just paper.
20
00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:10,195
I just wanted to look like
all the other hockey players.
21
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,196
So how'd you enjoy
your first game?
22
00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:12,698
Well, it was kind of strange.
23
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,700
As near as I can figure out,
the object of the game
24
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,702
is to wait until the referee
drops the puck on the ice
25
00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:17,703
and hit the guy next to you.
26
00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:19,204
Then you skate around
for two hours,
27
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,707
trip people till you get
a stick through the skull.
28
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:23,709
I'd love to stay around here
29
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,210
and swap a lot of jock stories,
30
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:27,012
but I've got a job interview
to get ready for.
31
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,214
( BOTH CHUCKLE )
32
00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:32,218
Maybe they'll make me
a congressman.
33
00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:38,724
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
34
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:42,728
I wonder where Mork is.
35
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:45,230
He was supposed to meet me here
over a half an hour ago.
36
00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:47,733
Boy, I hope that means
he's found a job.
37
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:49,735
Oh, what kind of job
is he looking for?
38
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,737
Anything that'll pay him enough
to live on.
39
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:54,740
He's looking
in the wrong country.
40
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,242
Ta-da!
41
00:02:57,243 --> 00:03:02,748
Presenting the first official
Remo DaVinci wedding cake.
42
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,249
Remo, that's really nice.
43
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:05,751
It's for the reception
here tomorrow.
44
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:10,256
Note the unique corkscrew
construction.
45
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,258
"Why?" you may ask.
46
00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,760
Allow me to demonstrate.
47
00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,263
Voilà!
48
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:25,271
Do you dig the symbolism?
49
00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:28,774
I'm not quite sure.
50
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:33,279
Marriage is like a ride
down a wedding cake.
51
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,281
You know, you might be educated.
52
00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:37,783
I'm deep.
53
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:41,286
Remo, it's just that I think
it's a little silly
54
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:44,289
to have a wedding reception
in a delicatessen.
55
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,290
I want people to look upon me
56
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,793
as more than
a tongue-and-tuna man.
57
00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:52,297
This is our chance
to be a class operation.
58
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:55,301
I never heard that one
on Fantasy Island.
59
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:57,803
Come on and I'll help you
decorate
60
00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:59,806
the Betty Crocker Speedway.
61
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:03,809
How would you like
you tongue depressed?
62
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:06,312
How would you like
a knackwurst up your nose?
63
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,317
MINDY: Mork, what happened?
64
00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:13,819
Mindy, you don't want
to talk to me.
65
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,822
I'm spider spit.
66
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:21,327
Oh, I'm… I'm not fit
to oil your Olay.
67
00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:23,829
You didn't get the job.
68
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,330
No, it was worse. I got it.
69
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:28,333
But then I… Then I lost it
because of my suspenders.
70
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,335
What are you talking about?
71
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,337
There were 32 little
homicidal midgets
72
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:33,839
masquerading as children.
73
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,343
They bit me in places
I can't even reach.
74
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,846
Well, where did you get
all the green paint?
75
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:43,349
Never play leapfrog with a child
who's into realism.
76
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:49,354
What does this all have to do
with your suspenders?
77
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,857
Well, I left them wrapped
around his little head.
78
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,359
As I left, I saw him going:
79
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,362
( IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ):
"Help me! Help me!"
80
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:02,868
Well, I'm sorry
you had such a rough day.
81
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:04,369
Mindy, what's the matter
with me? I…
82
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:05,871
There's gotta be something
I can do.
83
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,372
There's gotta be a job.
84
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,374
I know it. Dressed like this,
I could be a punk comedian.
85
00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:10,876
Knock-knock. Who's there?
86
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,879
Who cares? Ha-ha-ha!
87
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,380
Oh, Mork.
88
00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:17,883
Don't give up. I know there's
a job out there somewhere.
89
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:18,884
There's got to be.
90
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,887
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
91
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,890
Excuse me.
Uh, is Mr. DaVinci here?
92
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:26,391
Oh, yes, he is, Father.
He's in the back.
93
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:27,393
Thank you.
94
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:30,395
Why do you call him "Father"?
95
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:31,897
Well, because everyone
calls him Father.
96
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:33,900
Boy, he must be a real busy guy.
97
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:35,901
No.
98
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,402
No, Mork. He's with the Church.
99
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:38,403
You know, as a priest.
100
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:40,405
Uh, his job is to help people.
101
00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:42,408
Oh, maybe he can get me
some paint remover.
102
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,410
Don't worry about a thing,
Father.
103
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:47,412
I'm gonna provide the best
possible wedding reception
104
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:48,914
for the future Winslows.
105
00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,415
Well, I just want to make sure
106
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:52,918
they don't start their marriage
off on the wrong foot.
107
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:56,421
Just leave everything
to Mr. Remo of Boulder.
108
00:05:56,422 --> 00:06:00,926
I'm gonna create
the perfect nuptial atmosphere.
109
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,928
- See these salamis back here?
- PRIEST: Mm-hm.
110
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,430
I'm gonna hang bells on them.
111
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:06,932
And I'm gonna have
this big Cupid
112
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,433
come down from the ceiling.
113
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:11,436
Fully dressed, Father.
Fully dressed.
114
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:12,938
Oh, yes, uh,
115
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,439
well, you better do your best.
116
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,442
Don't force me to make
any threatening prayers.
117
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:19,444
Got you, Padre. Got you.
118
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:21,446
Excuse me, everyone. Father?
119
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:23,448
Ah, how do you do?
I'm Father Denny.
120
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:25,451
I'm Mork, the screwup.
121
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,453
Is it true that you help people?
122
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,956
Well, I try to help people.
Why, do you have a problem?
123
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,458
Um, excuse me, Father,
but Mork's depressed
124
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:35,460
because he can't hold a job.
125
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:36,962
And he feels like a loser.
126
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:37,963
Oh, well, how do you think
I felt
127
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:41,967
when TIME magazine announced
that, uh, God was dead?
128
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:44,970
Of course, it just turned out
to be a rumor after all.
129
00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:47,973
Well, is there any way
you can help me, Father?
130
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:50,475
Well, I could give you
a bit of advice.
131
00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:52,477
When you're standing there
at home plate,
132
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,980
it doesn't matter whether
you're a slugger or a bunter.
133
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,982
You've got to lean
into the ball.
134
00:06:56,983 --> 00:07:00,986
Thanks, Father.
That kind of helps.
135
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,488
That's from my sermon
to the newlyweds.
136
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:05,991
Uh, now, uh, do you really want
to work?
137
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:08,995
Oh, yes, sir. I don't want to be
a hickey on the neck of life.
138
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:13,498
That's very poetic, Mork.
139
00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:14,500
Uh…
140
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:17,002
Remo. Yes, Father?
141
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,004
Why don't you give
this boy a job?
142
00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:21,506
( LAUGHING ): You mean Mork?
143
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:23,508
Look, I love him, Father.
I… I really love him,
144
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:26,511
but, um, the last time
I asked him to help me,
145
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:29,014
he used the exhaust fan
to slice bologna.
146
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:32,517
I had sandwiches
three blocks away.
147
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,519
Well, uh, could you just, uh,
148
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,521
give him something to do
for the reception?
149
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:37,522
You'd be helping him a lot.
150
00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,524
I think I remember hearing
that God helps those
151
00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:41,026
who help themselves.
152
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:43,528
Well, maybe you also heard
that he can be a little rough
153
00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:45,030
on those that don't help others.
154
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,531
You get my drift?
155
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:47,532
Oh, I get it.
156
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,534
He's gonna make me an offer
I can't refuse.
157
00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:51,036
( LAUGHS ): Right.
158
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,544
Knife. Knife.
159
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,047
Fork. Fork.
160
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:03,549
Mayo. Mayo.
161
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:09,554
Mork?
162
00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:11,557
Hold the mayo.
163
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,067
Did you take out the garbage
like I asked you?
164
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,070
No, the roaches
aren't finished with it yet.
165
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,071
What are you doing?
166
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:27,572
Oh, I'm classing the joint up
167
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:29,574
so that Father Denny
doesn't put a curse on me.
168
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:31,576
Oh, he's into voodoo.
I know about that.
169
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:33,078
( CHANTS )
170
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:35,080
( IN HIGH VOICE ):
The drums, they make me sweat.
171
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:37,582
( IN NORMAL VOICE ):
Shut up and drink your quinine.
172
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:38,583
( LAUGHS )
173
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,085
Oh, how you doing, fellas?
174
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,586
REMO: Hi, Father.
175
00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:44,089
Oh, I really like
what you've done with the place.
176
00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:45,090
Really, Father?
177
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,591
No, not really.
178
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,593
Actually, a priest
has to kind of fib
179
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,095
every now and then too.
180
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:52,097
Don't worry, Father.
Everything's gonna be all right
181
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,099
because I'm in charge
of les décorations.
182
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,101
- Well, what do you have in mind?
- Let me show you.
183
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:57,602
It's my amazing, new creation.
184
00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,604
It's a centerpiece, carved
completely out of chopped liver,
185
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,606
of the bride and groom.
186
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:03,108
Do you like
where I put the pickle?
187
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:10,115
Nobody's ever asked me
that question before.
188
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:13,618
Laurie, what are you doing here?
189
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,620
You're supposed to be married
in two hours.
190
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,623
That's what I want
to talk to you about.
191
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,125
This is amazing.
I can see her clear as day.
192
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:22,127
What do you mean?
You can't see the bride
193
00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:23,129
before she's married.
194
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,132
Father, I'm getting cold feet.
195
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,653
Well, you can use my socks
if you want.
196
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,637
Father, I don't know if…
197
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,639
If I want to give up my freedom.
198
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,641
Oh, well,
let's sit down over here
199
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:38,643
and discuss this, all right?
200
00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:40,645
Here. Take a seat.
201
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:41,647
Now…
202
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,652
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
203
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:51,156
Pace, pace, pace, pace.
204
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:53,159
Ecap, ecap, ecap, ecap.
205
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:56,661
Pace, pace, pace…
206
00:09:56,662 --> 00:09:57,662
Hi.
207
00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,164
Oh, you're finally home.
208
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,166
Yeah. I'm sorry I'm late.
I wanted to buy a few things
209
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,167
and I lost track of time.
210
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,668
Oh. Did you miss me?
211
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:06,671
No, but I have some
really exciting news for you.
212
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:07,672
Oh, great. Tell me your news.
213
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,174
No, you tell me your news first.
214
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,175
I don't have any news.
215
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:11,856
Why do I have to do everything
around here?
216
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:15,180
Mork, your news? All right.
217
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,682
I've decided what I want
to do with my life.
218
00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:19,184
Oh, that's the spirit.
219
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,186
Close.
220
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,687
I want to be a priest.
221
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,689
That's ludicrous.
222
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,191
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
223
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,692
After seeing
Father Denny yesterday,
224
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:29,194
I realized what I really want
to do.
225
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:31,196
Why?
226
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,698
Well, because
I want to celebrate.
227
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:35,200
Celebrate what?
228
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,702
I don't know. Whatever
Father Denny celebrates.
229
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:40,205
Mork, Father Denny
didn't say he celebrates.
230
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:41,707
He said he's celibate.
231
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,209
What's that mean?
232
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:47,712
It means that he's married
to the Church.
233
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:49,214
Oh, you're gonna tell me that?
234
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:51,217
Wow, where's he gonna get a ring
that big, huh?
235
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,719
Mork, you can't be a priest.
236
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,221
Why not, Mindy?
They do what I want to do.
237
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,383
They help people, they solve
problems, they play bingo.
238
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,227
Yeah, but, Mork,
sometimes those problems
239
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,228
are a matter of life and death,
240
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,729
and a priest
can only deal with them
241
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:05,731
through his faith.
242
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,734
Look, Mork, tomorrow morning,
243
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:10,735
I'll take you
to the church myself,
244
00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:12,237
and Father Denny
will explain to you
245
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,738
why you can't become a priest.
246
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:16,241
Oh, Mindy, don't you see all
the advantages of it, though?
247
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:18,743
You get to wear a black habit.
I can dress up like Johnny Cash.
248
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,245
( IMITATING JOHNNY CASH ):
Hi, I'm Father Mork.
249
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:21,746
( NORMAL VOICE ):
Besides, I've seen
250
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,248
all the movies about priests.
251
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,750
"Tommy, give me that gun
you meshugenah. Put it down."
252
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,752
And there's… And there's
no such thing as a bad boy.
253
00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,254
Only great girls.
254
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,756
And besides, it… It's part
of a worldwide franchise.
255
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:34,259
Just look for the golden
steeple. Over 8 billion souls.
256
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,761
There's great possibilities.
257
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:39,264
A little puff of smoke,
and there's no place like Rome,
258
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,265
there's no place like Rome.
259
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,766
There I am on the Vatican.
260
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,768
( IMITATES CROWD CHEERING )
261
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,771
( IMITATING LATIN )
262
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:49,274
Play ball!
263
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,276
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
264
00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:11,796
Oh, this place is wonderful.
265
00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:13,798
Real beautiful.
266
00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:17,302
The windows don't match,
but it's still neat.
267
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:20,805
Oh, don't they know
there's an energy crisis?
268
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:22,307
They're wasting
precious wax, here.
269
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:27,312
Whoa, great place for an echo.
270
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:28,814
Hello!
271
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,317
Excuse me, Father.
272
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:33,818
You shouldn't be yelling
in church.
273
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:35,820
Why not? It's a great echo.
274
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,322
Anyway, I have to talk to you,
Father.
275
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,324
Oh, don't call me Father.
Don't be so formal.
276
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:40,826
Call me Pops.
277
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,828
Okay, Pops, um…
278
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:45,330
I've got kind of a problem.
279
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:47,332
Well, tell me your problem.
Perhaps we can solve it.
280
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,334
I've been sitting
over there in that pew, and…
281
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,576
The first thing you have to do
is move to a cleaner seat.
282
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,341
I was kind of thinking
about the things
283
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:58,343
I've been writing
on the bus-station walls.
284
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,345
Oh, I've seen some of your
stuff. I really enjoy it.
285
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:01,346
"Gate 13," "Ladies,"
286
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,348
and "The Marines are looking
for a few good men."
287
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,850
I think somebody else
writes that stuff.
288
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:08,353
The things I write are more
along the lines of, uh…
289
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:09,855
( WHISPERS )
290
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:14,359
Oh, there should be flies
buzzing around you.
291
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,366
I know.
292
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:23,368
What I don't know
is how I can be forgiven.
293
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:25,370
Well, first of all, you have
to start all over again.
294
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:27,372
Erase that stuff and put
something people want to read,
295
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:30,875
like, "Nuclear energy
cures acne,"
296
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:34,379
or "Frank Sinatra's made
his last comeback."
297
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,880
Yeah, I'll do that right away.
298
00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:37,382
Thank you, Fath… Uh, Pops.
299
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,883
Well, excuse me, son.
300
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,885
Do you know where I can find
Father Denny?
301
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,387
I don't know.
He can't be here all the time.
302
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,889
I think it's his disco night.
303
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:46,891
I guess I better call him
at home then.
304
00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:48,893
Thank you.
305
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:50,395
Now, let's see.
Where's the phone?
306
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:54,399
Oh, excuse me please, Father.
307
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,600
What can I do for you, my son?
308
00:13:57,903 --> 00:14:00,905
Well, you must be
the new priest.
309
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,407
My, aren't you awfully young.
310
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:04,409
Well, come back in a year,
I'll be a little older.
311
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:05,411
Ar-ar!
312
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:07,912
Bless you, Father.
313
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,914
Bless you.
314
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:11,916
Bless you. Bless you.
315
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,418
Bless you, Father.
Bless you. Bless you.
316
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,920
MORK: Bless you!
317
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,425
Let's see.
318
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:21,426
Go to the phone.
319
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:22,928
No dime.
320
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:24,930
( MUMBLES )
321
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,435
Thank you.
322
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,939
Now, let's see…
323
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,941
Whoa! You'd think this was
New York.
324
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,443
Somebody ripped off the phone!
325
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:42,948
MORK:
It's so dark. I can't see…
326
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,450
You did what with whom?
327
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:48,453
Hey, wait, hold on.
Wait a minute!
328
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:51,956
I got a story for you.
Wait, come back!
329
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:54,459
Hey, wait. It's a story.
It's a great joke. Come on…
330
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,462
Hey, I listened to your story.
331
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,964
MORK: Wait.
332
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:01,967
Must be a full moon.
333
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:06,971
Here you are.
334
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,474
I… I need a priest
to give the last rites.
335
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,475
Well, this is a democracy.
336
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,977
You always have rights,
as long as you vote.
337
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:14,479
Wait a minute.
You act like you don't know
338
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,480
what last rites are.
339
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:16,981
Oh, of course, I do, my son.
340
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:18,983
Last rites is when you add
the fabric softener.
341
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:21,486
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's the last rinse.
342
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:25,490
First it was funny newscasters,
now it's funny priests.
343
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,493
Last rites is what a priest says
when someone is dying.
344
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,995
Someone's dying? Yeah. Me.
345
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,997
From what? From suicide.
346
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:34,499
I'm gonna kill myself.
347
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,500
Why?
348
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,502
I have nothing to live for.
349
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:39,504
Don't you realize that living
is a precious thing?
350
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:41,506
It's the meat
in the sandwich of life.
351
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:45,010
It's my life.
I can have it here or to go.
352
00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:50,014
Well, I guess it's bad taste
to say good luck,
353
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:51,016
so ciao.
354
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:55,019
Hey, a-a-aren't you even gonna
try to talk me out of it?
355
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:57,522
Why? You said it was your life.
I guess all you have to do
356
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,043
is go up to the plate of life
and bunt.
357
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,025
I don't believe this.
358
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,027
- Why?
- Well, I stand here and tell you
359
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,028
I'm gonna kill myself,
360
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,030
and you don't even try
to help me.
361
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:08,533
You want help? All right. I…
362
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,034
It doesn't sound like
the right thing,
363
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,037
- but I'll give you some help.
- Sit down, my son.
364
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,039
Well, let's see.
You have to kill yourself.
365
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,042
Here's a good way.
366
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:21,045
Wear a tutu
and go into a leather bar.
367
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:23,047
Oh, here's another one.
Here's another one.
368
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:25,049
You try and smoke a real camel.
369
00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:27,051
I knew I should have gone
to St. Paul's.
370
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,553
No, no, here's a really
good one.
371
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,555
You go upstairs and hang
in the big church bell.
372
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:31,556
I go and play "Jingle Bells."
373
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,558
By the time I get to
"in a one-horse open sleigh,"
374
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:34,560
you're a dead ringer.
375
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,562
No, wait!
376
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:41,065
Why don't you try and slip into
a pair of water moccasins?
377
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:42,067
Let me out of here.
378
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,072
Déjà pew.
379
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:52,577
( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )
380
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:04,589
What are you doing
dressed like that?
381
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:07,092
Well, I happened to run into
a Jesuit garage sale.
382
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:10,595
Well, actually, Mindy, I just
want to be dressed correctly
383
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:12,096
when we go to see Father Denny.
384
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:14,599
Somehow I don't think
that's appropriate.
385
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,100
Well, you're right.
386
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:18,302
Basic black is a little plain.
Can I borrow your pearls?
387
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,606
Look, Mork,
388
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:23,608
I don't mind going to the church
with you this morning,
389
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,109
but I really wish
you'd try and dress
390
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,111
like a normal person
and just try to fit in.
391
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:28,112
I fit in last night.
392
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,114
What do you mean
you fit in last night?
393
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,616
Oh, dopey me.
394
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:35,620
You went to St. Peter's
last night like that?
395
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,622
Yes, but it's all right,
though. I…
396
00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,123
I helped this man
to commit suicide.
397
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,625
You what?
398
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,126
Well, he… He didn't know
how to do it,
399
00:17:42,127 --> 00:17:44,629
so I gave him 50 ways
to meet his maker.
400
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,130
Oh, no, Mork.
401
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,632
You might have really done it
this time.
402
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,634
Come on. We're gonna go see
Father Denny.
403
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:50,675
( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )
404
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:58,643
Ah, good morning, Mindy and…
405
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,645
Father Mork?
406
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:03,147
Uh, Father Denny,
Mork has a confession to make.
407
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:04,649
Confession.
408
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:07,151
Well, uh, would you like to step
into my office?
409
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:08,152
I was in there last night.
410
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:10,155
You should know someone
ripped off your phone.
411
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,658
You were here last night?
Were you dressed like that?
412
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:16,161
Well, that's kind of what
he wants to confess.
413
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:20,164
Well, um, I want to be a priest.
414
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,165
You want to be a priest?
415
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:23,167
Do you think you have
a genuine calling?
416
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,670
No, just a black dress.
417
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,171
But I came in here last night
to apply for a job
418
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:28,673
and I was trying to fill out
the application,
419
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:30,676
and people started
coming to me for help.
420
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:32,677
Uh, well, you see, ahem,
421
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:34,178
I guess, apparently, last night,
422
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:36,180
someone came in on the verge
of suicide and…
423
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:38,683
Suicide? What was his name?
What did he look like?
424
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:41,686
I don't commit to memory people
who are not gonna make it.
425
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:44,188
Do you realize you could've been
the cause of someone's death
426
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:46,190
just because you wanted
to play priest?
427
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,693
I wanted to be a priest
just like you.
428
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:53,698
But I've spent six years
studying to be a priest.
429
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:54,699
Look, son,
430
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,702
it's no sin to be a nitwit.
431
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:01,205
But if you're gonna go around
giving out counsel and advice
432
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,707
without the tools
of education and experience,
433
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,209
you could do more harm
than good.
434
00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:09,213
All right, you've done something
unforgivable.
435
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:10,715
There's no excuse.
436
00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:11,716
I want you to get in there
437
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:13,718
and take that cassock off
right now.
438
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,219
With all these buttons
in the dark?
439
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,721
Go!
440
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,724
Well, hasn't the Church
ever heard of a zipper?
441
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:22,727
Oh!
442
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:25,730
I'm really sorry about this,
Father Denny.
443
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,732
It's just that Mork
is so impressionable,
444
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:29,735
and he really did
want to be a priest.
445
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:32,236
Excuse me.
446
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:33,738
I'm looking for the young priest
447
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:36,240
who was on duty here last night.
448
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:39,244
Uh, he's, uh, no longer
with St. Peter's.
449
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:42,747
Uh, yeah, he was only
a temporary.
450
00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:45,249
They have temporary priests?
451
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,251
Sure, they're kind
of like Kelly Girls,
452
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:49,253
only they carry rosary beads
instead of little white gloves.
453
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:50,755
( CHUCKLES )
454
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,258
Well, I… I wish he were here,
455
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:56,261
because I wanted to thank him
for saving my life.
456
00:19:57,262 --> 00:20:00,264
He saved your life? Yeah.
457
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:03,768
I came in here last night
all ready to commit suicide.
458
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:04,769
I never expected a priest
459
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,271
to give me advice
on how to kill myself.
460
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:09,273
It was the one thing
I wasn't prepared for.
461
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:10,775
Well, how do you feel
about suicide now?
462
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:12,777
Oh, suicide's no answer.
463
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:15,780
And he made me realize
just how foolish I was being.
464
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,281
No kidding?
465
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,783
If you ever see him again,
466
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:20,785
please tell him that he's a…
He's a great priest
467
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:23,789
and a wonderful judge
of human nature.
468
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:35,800
All right, Mork.
469
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,302
Now, you tried your best
470
00:20:38,303 --> 00:20:40,304
to throw that man out
at the plate,
471
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:42,306
but luckily he was able
to slide into home
472
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:43,808
on his own safely.
473
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:46,811
It seems that what you said
to that man last night
474
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,813
was exactly what
he needed to hear.
475
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,314
In fact, you actually
saved his life.
476
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,316
I did? Yes.
477
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:55,820
Now I have just one thing
to say to you.
478
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:57,321
Well, thank you.
479
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,823
You do it again,
480
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:01,105
and I'm gonna kick your cassock
from here to kingdom come!
481
00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:05,830
You know,
what I don't understand
482
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:07,832
is why you did it
in the first place.
483
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,334
Well, I don't seem to be able
to do anything right,
484
00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:12,336
and I… I saw the way
you respected Father Denny.
485
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:13,838
And I thought
if I became a priest,
486
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,339
you'd respect me too.
487
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:17,842
Oh, Mork.
488
00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:21,345
I respect you
more than any person I know.
489
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:22,346
Well, I can't seem to get a job.
490
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:25,349
I don't even make it
through job interviews.
491
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,351
Oh, Mork. But what you have
492
00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:29,353
is the integrity to be yourself.
493
00:21:29,354 --> 00:21:30,855
I mean, even when it means
you're out of step
494
00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:33,357
with the entire planet.
495
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:34,859
And I think
that's really special.
496
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:35,860
Yeah.
497
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:37,361
At least I've realized now
498
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:38,863
that I… I don't want
to be a priest.
499
00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:41,365
Good. I'm glad
you finally understand.
500
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:42,867
I want to become a nun.
501
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:52,877
MORK: Mork calling Orson.
502
00:21:52,878 --> 00:21:54,879
Come in, Orson.
503
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,381
Mork calling Orson.
504
00:21:57,382 --> 00:21:59,884
Come in, Orson.
505
00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:02,887
( IN GREGORIAN CHANT ):
♪ Mork calling Orson ♪
506
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:04,388
♪ Come in, Orson ♪
507
00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:07,391
♪ Mork calling Orson ♪
508
00:22:07,392 --> 00:22:11,896
♪ Come in, he who is fatter
Than all before him ♪
509
00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,898
ORSON: What now, my Mork?
510
00:22:13,899 --> 00:22:15,900
Ah, Orson, it's been
a wonderful week.
511
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,902
I've learned to have faith
in myself.
512
00:22:17,903 --> 00:22:20,404
That's all any person needs,
Mork.
513
00:22:20,405 --> 00:22:21,906
No, sir. Not on Earth, it isn't.
514
00:22:21,907 --> 00:22:23,908
You see, on Earth, they have
the bigger, the jumbo size.
515
00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:26,410
It's called faith in God.
516
00:22:26,411 --> 00:22:28,412
Do all Earthlings
believe in God?
517
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,915
Most of them do, sir, especially
when things get real hairy.
518
00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:32,917
But how can they believe
in something
519
00:22:32,918 --> 00:22:33,918
that science cannot prove?
520
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:35,920
Oh, that's the amazing part,
sir. Because you see,
521
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,922
that's where something called
"faith" comes in.
522
00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:39,924
You see,
many people believe in God
523
00:22:39,925 --> 00:22:42,426
even though they don't see him,
and they're called religious.
524
00:22:42,427 --> 00:22:44,929
Then there are a few people who
believe and they do see him.
525
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:46,430
What are they called?
526
00:22:46,431 --> 00:22:47,932
Prophets or meshugenahs.
527
00:22:47,933 --> 00:22:49,934
Strange, these Earthlings.
528
00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:52,937
They need to believe
in something they cannot see.
529
00:22:52,938 --> 00:22:55,439
I know, sir.
But they don't have to see it.
530
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,942
They feel it in their souls.
531
00:22:57,943 --> 00:22:58,943
What's a soul?
532
00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:00,945
I don't know.
533
00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:03,447
No one knows what it is or…
Or where it is.
534
00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:04,949
Let me get this straight:
535
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,951
On Earth, faith is the belief
536
00:23:06,952 --> 00:23:08,953
in something you can't see,
537
00:23:08,954 --> 00:23:11,455
which you feel in a place
you can't feel.
538
00:23:11,456 --> 00:23:13,457
You got it, big boy.
539
00:23:13,458 --> 00:23:14,458
I need a drink.
540
00:23:14,459 --> 00:23:17,461
Oh, come on, Orson.
It's not that hard.
541
00:23:17,462 --> 00:23:19,463
All one has to do
to prove one's faith
542
00:23:19,464 --> 00:23:22,466
is to look up in the sky.
543
00:23:22,467 --> 00:23:25,469
For example,
where do stars come from?
544
00:23:25,470 --> 00:23:28,472
They were created long ago
by natural forces.
545
00:23:28,473 --> 00:23:29,473
How do you know? Were you there?
546
00:23:29,474 --> 00:23:32,476
Of course not.
It's a scientific theory.
547
00:23:32,477 --> 00:23:33,978
You just have to accept it.
548
00:23:33,979 --> 00:23:34,979
On faith.
549
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:37,481
Well, uh… Uh, kind of. Uh…
550
00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:39,483
What do you believe, Mork?
551
00:23:39,484 --> 00:23:42,987
Well, sir,
I believe that the universe
552
00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:46,490
is one great big ball.
553
00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:48,492
And what created that ball?
554
00:23:48,493 --> 00:23:50,995
I don't know, sir. All I know
is that if God didn't,
555
00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:52,997
at least he lets us play with it
556
00:23:52,998 --> 00:23:55,499
and hopes that we don't fumble.
557
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,002
So until next week,
this is Mork signing off.
558
00:23:58,003 --> 00:23:59,003
Nanu, nanu.
559
00:23:59,004 --> 00:24:00,505
( WHISTLES )
560
00:24:07,512 --> 00:24:10,014
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
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