All language subtitles for Mork.and.Mindy.S01E01-E02.Pilot

(OSCILLATING TONE)

Boy, am I in for it now.

Sent before
the White Desk again.

What did I do?

The Solar Lander, you fool.

You painted a moustache on it.

But Orson doesn't know I did it.

Then why am I here?

If I knew that,
I wouldn't be talking to myself.

Mork.

Good morning, Orson.

Orson... you call me Orson
to my face,

but behind my back,
you call me "Fatso,"

"Rocket Ship Thighs,"
and "Star Tush."

You forgot "Laser Breath."

( PLAYFUL HONKING )

Sorry, Your Immenseness.

See what I mean?

These constant displays of humour

are not acceptable
behaviour here on Ork.

You're right.

We are rather a dull lot;

the white bread of the universe.

Emotions have been weeded
out of us

for the good of the race,

and you constantly make jokes.

I'm afraid that won't do.

Uh-oh.

There's an insignificant planet

on the far side of the galaxy.

From the fragmented reports
we have on it,

the people are...
well, uh...

Real nimnulls?

Exactly.

That's why I think
you'll fit in there, Mork.

You're too kind, sir.

What is the name
of this hellhole

you're sending me to?

Earth.

Earth? I was on Earth
three bleems ago.

I was sent there
by a biology class

to collect a specimen.

I had to throw it back,
though... too small.

I love that place.

Well, don't enjoy it too much.

It's not a vacation.

We want you to learn
all you we can

about primitive societies.

Your mission is to report
back to me mentally

about the things
you learn there.

And remember,
this is a serious mission.

You can count on me, Orson.

D, D and E.

Dedicated, diligent
and efficient.

Nanu-nanu.

Nanu-nanu.

MAN:
I love this spot.

WOMAN:
It's beautiful.

You know, the reason
I enjoy taking you out

is you don't put pressure on me.

You don't force me into playing

that virile stud
macho role, you know?

( ELECTRONIC WHIRRING )

( WHIRRING SLOWS AND STOPS )

Aha!

( CRACKING )

( ELECTRONIC WHIRRING )

( HIGH-PITCHED HUM )

Gizbah.

( HIGH-PITCHED HUM )

Shazbot.

Ah.

Only one suitcase?

You lost half my luggage,
you nimnulls!

( BUZZES )

MAN:
Oh, Mindy!

Stop it!

Don't you ever do that again!

Not even if my blouse
is on fire!

I can't believe you.

Three dates and you think

you've got the right
to attack me

like a Thanksgiving turkey?!

Oh, I love it
when you talk dirty.

What?
Will you cut it out?

Now, look,

You know,
I liked you a lot better

when you were ineffectual.

I don't even
think I like you at all after tonight.

Good point.

I think I should take you home

because I respect you.

Well, I'll drive to make sure

we get to our respective homes

still respecting each other.

( GROANS )

Well, if that's the way
you feel about it,

why don't you just walk home?

Oh! If that's the way
you want it,

I'll be happy to walk home.

Hey, wait a minute!

That's my car!

Nanu-nanu.

Father...

what are you doing out here?

This is where I was dropped off.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got
dropped off, too.

You don't know
what happened to me!

He just took my car!

Well, I'm glad
to have someone I can trust

to walk into town with.

I mean, this isn't
a confession or anything,

but I only had three
crummy dates with the guy

and he takes my car
and makes me walk!

Very interesting.
Mind if I take notes?

I don't know
where he gets off...

( MINDY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )

Nanu-nanu.

( CLUNKS )

Shazbot!

Ah! Well, here it is.

Thanks a lot for
walking me home, Father.

I'm afraid I hardly
gave you a chance to talk,

but I was just so mad.

You know what I mean?

Nab, nab. My pleasure.

I was sent here
to learn, you know?

Well, if there's anything
I can do for you...

If it's not too precious,
a glass of water.

And if it is,
a quart of oil will suffice.

Oh... ( LAUGHS )

I think I can spring
for the water.

Spring water. Humour.

( HONKING BARK )

Better yet.

How about a little iced tea?

When on Earth,
do as the Earthlings.

How are they treating you?

Do you talk to your plants, too?

Oh, yes, they're good listeners.

Especially the old ones.

Yeah, I talk to my plants
all the time.

Keeps them young
and keeps them healthy.

Oh...

Your suit's on backwards.

It is?

Boy, do I feel like a clone.

You're not a priest.

Who are you?

I am Mork from Ork.

Nanu-nanu.

Ork?!

Yes, you see, Ork is a planet.

You follow the Big Dipper
till it comes to a dead end,

then you hang an up.

An up.

Up, down, hard to tell
out in hyperspace.

Oh, right.

I have a poor sense
of direction myself.

So, you're, you're from
outer space.

Yes, do you mind if I take
a few pictures

for the folks
on the home planet?

They'd like to get
some postcards.

Uh, no.

Okay, watch the flookie.

How did you do that?

With my Instamatic glove...

some models starting
under 30 thribets.

Oh... mind if I do?

( SLURPING )

The pause that refreshes.

( BELCHES )

You drank that with your finger!

Yes. How do you drink?

With my mouth.

Well, how do you talk
and drink at the same time?

Must be Drool City.

Now, look, whoever you are,

now you can't scare me.

Now, there's no such thing
as a man from outer space.

Now, I don't know how
you did those tricks,

but you just better
keep your distance

or you're going
to hear me scream

like you've never heard
anybody scream.

I've never heard anyone scream.

Is that your way
of saying thanks?

( KNOCKING AT DOOR )

Aha! Help has already arrived,

so you just stay cool,
space man, or else...

( GASPS )

( ELECTRONIC PULSING )

It's for you.

Ah, my lost luggage.

50 nu-nu because my casual
clothes are in there.

( HIGH-PITCHED BEEP )

( HUMS HAPPILY )

Take a hike.

Scrim, scrim.
Oh, I forgot.

Sorry. Here we go.

( COINS CLANK )

Keep the change.

( EMITS ELECTRONIC
"THANK YOU" TONES )

( HUMS HAPPILY )

You really are from out there.

No, actually,
I'm from out there.

You see, out there's
not a nice neighbourhood.

I wouldn't even go there
during a total eclipse.

An alien.

You're not going
to hurt me, are you?

Hurt you?!

No, damaging other life
forms is unthinkable to us.

I wouldn't harm a harf
on your choli-Cho-Cho.

It occurs to me we have not been
formally introduced.

A formal introduction
is at hand.

( TOOTS FANFARE )

( MIMICS CROWD CHEERING )

Get down.

I am Mork from Ork.

Nanu-nanu.

Oh...

I'm, I'm Mindy McConnell.

( TOOTS FANFARE )

( MIMICS CROWD CHEERING )

( BABY-LIKE ):
Ah.

I like a being
with a firm gribbet.

Shows character.
At least evolution.

Oh...

Well, thank you.

Uh... how do you say thank you
in your language?

We spit.

Mind if I don't say thank you?

No sweat off my front.

I just, I just
can't believe this.

I'm standing here
talking to an alien.

Do you realise
the historic sweep of this?

I mean,
the world will be astounded!

No, nab, nab.

You see, my mission
is to observe Earth.

And the only way I can do that

is by being one of you,
a face in the crowd.

Which is easy
because I fit right in.

Not really.

No?
No.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

I tell you what.

Now, I'm as interested
in you and your planet

as you are about us

so how about I can teach you
to act Earthling

if you teach me more about Ork?

Is that a deal?

A fair exchange.
Let's formally close the deal.

( SQUEAKS )

Mind if I just spit?

It's your house.

I will be staying here, won't I?

I mean, I've heard so much

about your Earthling
hospitality.

Oh, well, you can, uh...
temporarily.

Oh, but if my father
finds out...

Father?!

On Earth you have
natural parents.

You see, I'm a test tube baby.

Really?

Yes. My father was an
eyedropper, the scum.

Why would you say that?

Well, he ran away and left Mom.

Ran off with a bottle
of nose drops.

Can't blame him, though.

She had those tight labels.

( PLAYING "BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH"
ON PIANO )

( REPEATS MUSIC PHRASE )

( PLAYING "BEETHOVEN'S
FIFTH SYMPHONY" LOUDLY )

( PLAYING "DUELLING BANJOS" )

( PLAYING CLASSICAL VERSION
OF "DUELLING BANJOS" )

( BOTH PLAYING
LIVELY JAZZ PIECE )

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, please, hey.

Stop! Stop!

( WHISTLES )

It's too early in the morning
for "Duelling Beethoven."

It's the only music

I can challenge him with, dear.

He won't play anything
by Alice Cooper.

That's because I play piano.

Alice Cooper just beats
on the keys

with a dead snake.

But at least he shows feeling.

Are you two going
to start this again?

I am a musician.

I sell violins
and I sell cellos.

They're classics.

That's food for the spirit
and a feast for the soul.

While you peddle...

( PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTE )

junk food.

Frederick...

Huh?

If you were in Heaven
and God said,

"I will give you a choice...

"you can be born with brains,

or you can born with a
permanent rash on your fanny."

Now which would you choose?

The brains.

Good. I see you learn
by your mistake.

Mother-in-laws are
the curse of marriage.

Oh, Daddy, you know
she loves to tease you.

It's what keeps her young.

Yes, but it's making me old.

Mindy, isn't that your
second cup of coffee?

It's my fourth.

But you don't drink coffee.

Why are you all of a sudden
drinking gallons of coffee,

unless you...
stayed up late.

You're right. This must be
my first cup of coffee.

Mindy...

Dad, I was up late last night.

Dad, I met the most
fascinating person.

I was up half the night
talking to him.

Him?

Half the night?

Dad, I'm 21.

Oh, honey, I know, I know.

It's just that I'll always
think of you as my little girl.

I know you will.

Hey, Mindy, look who I found

wandering the streets
looking for you.

Correction,
munchkin-like person:

I wasn't wandering,

I was trying
to explore your world.

He's new in town, Eugene.

Mork, I'll be happy to
show you around after work.

Work?

Oh, yes. Most people
have to work for a living.

What a novel concept.

Mindy, who's
your beatnik friend?

Uh... Daddy, this is Mork.

Mork, this is Mr. McConnell.

Nanu-nanu.

Mork, he's my father.

What an interesting
position to be in.

I tip my kripla to you, sir.

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah. ♪

Well, I guess it's time
for my violin lessons.

Thank you for taking me
to your leader.

Gizbah.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, ah...

Hey, Mork, I'd like
to see you again.

Were can I find you?

I'll be at Mindy's place.

Come by any time.

Hang tough, man.

What it was, my main man.

You'll be at Mindy's place?

Yes, we're living together.

( NERVOUS LAUGHTER )

Catch you later, Jack.
On the rebound, clown.

Your mama.

Living together?

That's not what it seems.

Your grandmother's the one
with the hearing problem.

I distinctly heard him say
you were living together.

Oh... oh, well, Mork...
Mork is a practical joker.

You heard his voice, right?

And with a name like Mork,

you'd be a practical
joker too, right?

Oh, then he's not staying
in your, uh...

and he's not sleeping
in your, uh...

No one is sleeping in my, uh...

Oh.

And no one is sleeping
there either.

( HONKING BARK )

( HONKING BARK )

A pie in the face.

How did you Earthlings
think of something

so original, so unique?

Mork, you and I have
got to have a talk,

so you might as well sit down

and make yourself comfortable.

Don't mind if I do.

Now, Mork... today,
you did a bad thing.

You told my father
we're living together.

Now, I know you didn't mean
to do any harm, and it's...

What are you doing?

You said to make
myself comfortable.

Mork, can you take
a little constructive criticism?

Of course.

It's not nice to sit
on your face.

Then why did God put it there?

Oh, boy, I'll tell you...

I can tell you teaching
you to be Earthling

is not going to be easy.

Now, if you want to
pass for one of us,

the first thing we're
going to have to do

is we're going to have
to work on your voice.

Your voice is not right.

Well, how about this one?

( SOUTHERN ACCENT ):
You say another word,

I'll blow your lips
into the sink.

That one's not quite you.

Or this one?

( AS ED NORTON ):
Hey, Ralphie, boy.

( AS JACKIE GLEASON ):
Norton, to the moon, Norton!

Or...

this one:

( AS SHIRLEY TEMPLE ): On
the good ship Lollipop...

How did you learn those voices?

We've been monitoring
your TV for years.

My favourite is:

( AS DESI ARNAZ ):
Lucy, you can't do the show.

( AS LUCILLE BALL ):
Ricky... Babaloo!

Oh, boy.

I can tell this isn't
going to be easy.

Oh, Mork,
you just don't understand

the problems you present.

I realise I do cause trouble.

Heavy sigh.

The last time I was here
I caused a big problem, too.

You were on Earth before?

About 20 bleems ago.

I was here to visit
my friend the Fonz.

You know him? Hey!

Are you interested?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Then I'll take you back.

Prepare a time-warp sequence.

( PHONE RINGING )

All right, I'm coming.

Yo.

Cunningham residence.

No, Richie ain't here right now.

Because he and his family

went off on a little vacation
jaunt, you know.

Hey, you sound very adorable.

What's your name?

Mary. How are you?

Arthur Fonzarelli here...
house-sitter.

You never heard of me?

You new in town or you just
back from lunch?

Yes, Mary, I will tell
Richie that you called.

Yes. Bye-bye, Mary.

I want to tell you,
he knows some

uninformed human beings.

( ELECTRONIC PULSING )

All right, all right, all right,
who's going "wee-wee-wee"?

I said, who's going
"wee-wee-wee"?

Hey, Ralph, if you're out there
and this is a bad joke,

I'll give you 30 seconds
to find out

how much I don't enjoy
"wee-wee-wee."

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Greetings, Fonzie.

Yabaz-abud-abid.

Remember me...
Mork from Ork?

You once called me
the "nutso from outer space."

I must be dreaming or something
like that, you know.

I mean, uh...

Of course I'm dreaming.

That's why
Mary never heard of me.

Sorry, real thing.

I had to zap your mind
to make you forget.

Didn't want you to go Bozo City.

I think I want to wake up now.

Strange custom.

Doesn't give me pleasure.

Don't be afraid.

I mean you no harm.

Yeah, right...
No, I'm not afraid.

Oh, snacks!

I want to be your friend.

Yeah, okay, look...

I'm real sorry, you know.

I mean, as much as I'd like
to invite you in

to have a little small talk
and everything,

I got so many things
to do, you know?

Like give Richie
a message from Mary

and clean the bugs
off my headlights.

Stuff like that,
you know what I mean?

( HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING )

Hello?

I've come for very
important information.

When I was here before,

I observed an Earth ritual
that I could not comprehend.

It drove me zazbot.

Well, don't get unravel...

Hey, let's not get
unravelled here.

Right.

We'll just talk about it.

What is this particular ritual
that made you "zizbit"?

Men dating women.

Well, I think you came
to the right place.

What was it you wanted to know?

( FAST WHIRRING )

Oh, thanks a lot.

Why a man dates a woman.

Don't men date women
on your planet?

Hard to tell; parts
are interchangeable.

I don't know how you guys
got so far advanced, you know.

I mean, there's no incentive.

Oh.

All right, look, right off the
bat, let me tell you something:

It's very difficult
to talk to you like this, eh?

Don't sit that close.

Oh!

All right, now,
you're telling me

that men don't kiss
women on your planet?

Kiss? I don't know
what that means.

Nice word.
Has a pleasant ring to it.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...

Can you hear the ring?

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, look, all right, a kiss...

it's very affectionate,
you understand?

You got a boy
and you got a girl,

and they put their lips
together, you see,

and then they kind
of slide them around.

And it feels great.

Sliding lips sounds unappealing.

Don't knock it till
you've tried it.

All right, look,

you got to meet a girl,
get to know her,

find out if she's
willing or not.

Do you know a girl
who's willing?

I know some girls
that are willing and able,

and then I know some
that are not willing,

and you're able
to convince them, yeah.

Can you introduce me
to one of the convincing ones?

It's going to be very hard.

But I...

Don't touch me.

Perhaps you'd like
to slide lips then?

Hey!

But you see, I need your help.

You are known throughout
the universe

for your expertise
in this field.

Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, right.

All right, all right.

I'm going to try
to find you a date.

Hey.

You just got to do me a favour.

Go up to Richie's room
and get on some of his clothes

so at least you
look normal, huh?

You thank.

My clothes do need time warping.

Yeah.

But first...

What?

What is Richie's room?

Oh, yeah, you can't miss it.

Lots of stripes and checks
and penny loafers.

Oh, penny loafers.

Yeah. Hey, take
this with you.

Hut. Hike.
Shiznanee.

But first,
I remember Richie now.

( SINGING "BLUEBERRY HILL"
IN ORKAN )

He needs a lot of work.

Good thing he didn't land
at Potsie's house.

All right, now who am I going
to fix him up with?

Gloria Hockney...

No, I don't want to put her
in a tizzy right away.

The Hoper triplets?

Now there's a six-pack to go.

No, I don't want to put him
in a tizzy right away.

Hey.

Same to you, buddy.

Hi, Fonz.

LAVERNE:
What's this guy Mork look like?

Is he tall, dark and handsome?

Yeah, you know what he is.

He's a, he's a foreigner.

Oh, I don't like foreigners.

They talk funny.

Where's he from?

Ork.

Oh.

Sounds like a nice country.

Yeah. Laverne, listen,
I just want

to spend a little time
with him alone, you understand,

so that I can, uh, brief him

on American customs,
you understand.

Why don't you wait in the car?

My car broke...
I took a bus.

Yeah, I'll fix your car.

Why don't you wait
on the bus, all right?

Thanks very much.

I'll give you two minutes.

( MUTTERING )

Where is she?

If she's here, she must be tiny.

I want to get a few things

straight with you, all right?

Number one...

What are you doing?

I'm straightening things out.

I start with my legs,
then go to my arms.

I'd do my neck except
I'd cut off the blood.

I'd probably die.

Stop that. I want
to talk to you

about kissing again, all right?

I've been meaning
to ask you about that.

I want to know why
I would want to do it.

Physical pleasure.

Don't you do anything
on your planet

that includes physical pleasure?

Yes, there's one thing
and it's against the law,

and I, I can't tell you.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, we're having a man-to-man
talk, here, or whatever this is.

Uh... you can tell me.

All right.
Yeah.

When a woman touches
a man here...

( ECSTATIC GASPING )

It drives me zazbot.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me,
if somebody touches you...

( ECSTATIC GASPING )

What's next?

Well, it only
happened to me once.

This zazbot came
over me and I...

I couldn't control myself.

Well, I... I became
a beast and I...

I jerked her earlobe.

I couldn't help it,
you understand!

( HIGH-PITCHED SOBBING )

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ):
I honestly regret it.

( SOBBING )

I regret it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I regret it myself.

I understand, I understand.

LAVERNE:
Fonzie!

Oop...

Your two minutes are up.

So, uh...
you must be Morky.

I'm Laverne. Pleased.

I, too, am pleased.

Nanu-nanu, nanu-nanu.

"Nanu-nanu"?

"Nanu-nanu"?

Yeah, well, you know,

I got to go
now because... What is nanu-nanu?

Two's company, three's a crowd.

Know what I mean?
What is nanu-nanu?

Oh, Earth humour.
( HONKING BARK )

Fonz, did you fix me
up with another jerk?

Oh, a jerk...

( GIBBERING )

Was jerk good?

Oh, yes, yes.

That was a fine jerk.

Fonz.

All right, look, just
give me a break here...

I washed my hair for this.
I ironed my skirt.

Look, he's a foreigner.

He doesn't know our customs.

Just give him a
break, all right?

Huh?

Yeah.

Okay. But tell him
not to jerk.

It makes me nervous.

Okay.

Don't jerk.

What, are you nutso?

All right, look.

If you get in a situation
and you don't know what to do,

just follow what Laverne does,

'cause she knows the ropes.
All right?

I know the ropes, too.

I can tie a square hitch,

a sheepshank, many, many more.

You're not going
for a merit badge here.

A sheepshank.

( LAUGHING )

All right, listen, you two.

Knock your socks off.

( LAUGHING )

Oh, that Fonzie, huh?

So, Morky...

Uh, I'm not real good
in geography.

This Ork place,
where is that? Off Greece?

No, we Orkans have
been off grease

for at least five bleems.

Now for lubricants
we use Viz, Gazh,

or the ever-popular Lemocoke.

Of course.

I don't understand
why we don't use "vimogoke."

Probably your engines
couldn't handle it.

They would either overload
and pollute the atmosphere

or destroy the universe
as you know it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Is it time to flatter you?

Sure.

You have a lovely fungus
growing out of your head.

Fungus? What fungus? What?

Oh, fungus... or any major
group of fungi... including

mushrooms, mold or mildew.

Yeah, well, I always wear mildew

when I want to impress a guy.

What did Fonzie do to me?

( MUTTERING )

I'm impressed.

Is it time to kiss yet?

I don't think so. No.

I'm sorry.

I'm new at this dating ritual.

What's the next step?

Uh, well, uh, uh, why don't you

sit down on the couch, huh?

Oh, boy, will you look at that?!

What? ( BEEPS ) What?

Look at what?

Nothing.

It's gone now.

Oh, you sit Fonz-like.

I must adjust and copy.

Get over there.

Sheesh.

Are you making fun of me?

Because I don't like it
when guys make fun of me,

and if you keep
making fun of me,

I'm going to give you a fat lip.

Fat lip.
Oh, no... rejection.

I merely wanted to experience
the dating process.

Failure. Oh, no.

Return to hatchling state.

( WHIMPERING )

Uh, look, I'm real sorry.

I mean, I didn't
mean to reject you.

( WHIMPERING )

Don't suck your finger.

Your teeth
will end up like mine.

( WHIMPERING )

Aw... Hey, come on, come on,

come on, come on,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I really would
like to be your friend.

Ah...

( SPEAKING ORKAN )

No, maintain,
maintain, maintain.

Ahh! Ahh!

What, what, what happened?

You touched me.

Yeah, I went like this.

( SHRIEKING )

No, no, gangnab, gangnab.

"Gangnab"? What? What?

No, no, no...

Give me your earlobe.

My what?!

Your earlobe, delicious one.

( SHRIEKS )

Oh.

Ow!

I think you're getting off
on the wrong foot, buddy.

Oh wrong foot. Sorry.
Ow!

( SHRIEKING )

Stay there, stay there.

Don't you come near me.

Don't you come near me.

I liked you better as a baby.

( SPEAKING ORKAN )

Stop!

( SPEAKING ORKAN )

( SHRIEKING )

Fonz! Fonz!
He wants my earlobe!

Fonzie!

I think she likes me.

Ooh, her lobes.

I just wanted to tweak them.

Oh.

Now, Mork, that's what

got you into trouble
the last time.

Alas, my lady,
you do deal me pain.

'Tis justified
and I shall repent.

Oh, come on.

Hey, where did you
get that voice?

From yon video.
'Twas Shakespeare, methinks,

though 'twas The Jeffersons.

Well, that, that voice is normal

if you forget the
"twas" and the "twits."

I'll twy.

Here.

Read this. Just
turn to any page.

"Her fingers trembled
as she undid her blouse

and let it fall to the..."

Oh.

Anot... Another page.

"His nostrils flared.

"Her nostrils flared.

Everything flared."

I don't know why
this book is overdue.

Here.

Uh, just turn to any page.

"'My shorts!' cried
the senator

as he ran from the room."

That's it!

That's it. Mork, we've
made a breakthrough.

A break...?

Yes, your voice.

We found a voice for you.

( HIGH-PITCHED ):
A breakthrough! A breakthrough!

Yeah. Ah-ah.

Your voice.

( DEEP VOICE ):
Sorry.

I've learned a lot
of things since last night.

Let me examine them.

Number one, this phony voice.

You shouldn't use the other one.

At least, don't use it
around other people.

Number two, don't
drink with my finger.

Number three, don't
sit on my face.

Oh, and you forgot
the fourth thing,

and it's the most important.

Don't tell my father
we're living together.

I don't understand.

He doesn't know you're living?

It's not the living,
it's the together

he wouldn't understand.

No, I wouldn't.

Dad.

Greetings,
Mr. McConnell.

Don't you "greetings" me.

I wanted to believe you today.

I came over here hoping
I wouldn't find...

what I found.

You came over here
to check up on me?

I came over here
to prove to myself

that my daughter
hadn't lied to me

and that she wasn't
living with a man.

Dad, it's not like that.

Instead I proved to myself
that my little girl...

isn't my little girl any longer.

But, Dad...

Dad...

Good-bye!
Thanks for dropping over.

Oh.

You all right, Fred?

( SHRIEKS )

I seen your lights on.

You should have been
closed hours ago.

Tilwick, my old friend.

Come over here
and help me celebrate.

I've been saving
this bottle of champagne

since 1967 for my
daughter's wedding.

Oh, I wanted it
to be so special.

I was gonna have
tuxedos and flowers

and a little band

that I just might
conduct myself.

It was gonna be real classy.

Here, you'll have to drink
from the bottle.

Empty.

Then suck the cork.

What's wrong here, Fred?

A toast! A toast!

A toast to the old days,

when values were values
and morals were morals.

I remember when "sharing a pad"
meant borrowing a notebook.

What are you talking about?

My daughter... my daughter...

is living with a man.

Mindy?

Oh, come on, that can't be.

It's true, it's true.

She's a loose woman and I
don't know how to tighten her.

Well, I don't believe it.

That's not the Mindy I know.

All I know is,
I've done all I can.

I can't do anything else.

Well, there's
something I can do.

What?

I'm a cop.

I represent, uh, law and order.

But he hasn't
done anything illegal.

Listen, you don't get the idea.

Now I'll just... I'll
just whip over there

and I'll just scare the
daylights out of him.

You know, "Hit the
road, hamburger!"

Like that.

You'd do that for me?

Sure, first thing

in the morning
when I get off duty.

Really?
Sure.

Hello?

Hello?!

Anybody in there?

Little hatchling brothers,

you must revolt
against your oppressors.

You have nothing to lose
but your shells.

As much as I like Mindy,

it's against intergalactic law
to eat fellow space travellers.

Fly, be free!

Well, I guess we'll have to have
a quick burial at sea then.

I'll notify your next of kin.

Your brother bit the big one.

What's the matter,
have you no emotions?

Are you hard-boiled, huh?

Oh, I see.

The cold machine placed you

in a state
of suspended animation.

I'll put you over here
to warm up,

and when you revive,
you'll be free to fly.

Over here.

( HUMMING )

You people really are short,
you know that, don't you?

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Oh.

Smoky!

Hi. I'm Mork.

Now, listen, kid,

I don't belong to
your fraternities,

so watch it
with them secret handshakes.

Is Mindy McConnell here?

Uh, no, she's at a
place she calls work.

A strange concept,
but she enjoys it.

Oh. And I suppose
you don't like work?

I don't know, never tried it.

I see.

So you just sponge off Mindy?

Oh, no, we've never
taken a bath together.

No, no, I mean you live off her.

Listen,
I've met your type before

and you're just about

the lowest form of life
there is.

( IMITATING TWANG ): Well, you better
check up on your biology then.

The lowest form of
life is a geje, voje

and the ever-crawling neba-jij.

Don't give me none of that
intellectual mumbo-jumbo.

I happen to be a good friend
of the McConnells

and I don't want
to see Mindy hurt.

Mindy hurt? I'd never allow it.

Then I want you to take off.

Take off? I just landed.

Now listen here, buster.

I can make a lot
of trouble for you.

You see this here uniform?

It is a uniform.

I didn't want to make
mention of it.

Are you a member
of Space Patrol?

Are you putting me on?

Putting you on?

You're not even hollow.

( HONKING BARK )

Yeah, right.

Did Orson send you to help me

with my friends, the eggs?

Right.

( CRACKING )

( GROANS )

Nimnull, didn't you
see him coming?

How can I help you if you won't
even help yourselves?

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Am I in trouble?

( WHISPERING ):
Fred, I got to talk to you.

Uh, did you scare him off?

Well... he won't be
bothering Mindy anymore,

but I didn't scare him off.

Well, what?

( WHISPERS )

You what?!

Well, I just wanted you

to get rid of
him... not that.

Well, I had to.

I-I didn't want to,
but I had to do my duty.

You think I enjoyed it?

This is about Mork, isn't it?

What have you done?

Well, I... I just
went up there

to scare the little fella.

It's not my job,
but when I seen him,

I knew I had to do my duty,

as much as I hate it.

Well, what was your duty?

Well, I know he's
a friend of yours,

but that guy is bonkers...
I had to take him in.

They're going to have a
sanity hearing tomorrow,

and I'm afraid they're going
to put your friend away.

Daddy, how could you?!

Tilwick, how could you?

Well, the court is well aware

of your qualifications

as a psychiatrist,
Dr. Litney.

Now, you examined the defendant?

Uh, yesterday,

and I may say...

Stop everything!

Oh, Mork, I'm sorry we're late,

but they wouldn't tell us

where the meeting
was being held.

Young lady, cases of this kind

are not supposed
to be public spectacles.

Ah, but we're here
as character witnesses

for the defendant...
although personally,

I never really liked him.

MINDY:
Your Honour,

my name is Mindy McConnell,

and this is my father,

and I want to go
on record as saying

that Mork has the right
to have a lawyer.

I will not permit him to be
on trial without counsel.

I'm his lawyer!

The court appointed me.

Young lady,
this is an informal situation,

but I assure you, no one
is trying to railroad anyone.

Uh, may I ask just
one little question?

Oh, why not?

The question is...

Mork is innocent!

True, he is different from most,

but this great country was

built on the rights of
individuals to be individuals.

We have the God-given right
to be eccentric,

and therefore I demand...

( POUNDS TABLE )

that Mork be exonerated
and set free!

I suggest you sit down.

We're hearing the testimony
of Dr. Litney.

Oh. I'm sorry.

She's sorry.

Dr. Litney...
if we may continue...

what was your conclusion after
examining the defendant?

Your Honour, my conclusions are

that the patient
is extremely childlike

and incapable of learning.

He has also exhibited

marked antisocial behaviour.

Therefore, it is my opinion
that the defendant

is incompetent
to function in society.

No more questions.

No questions.

But you have

to ask questions!

Mork, don't let them
do this to you.

You don't know what it means.

I have a vague idea.

I saw a rerun of
Perry Mason last night

and Inherit the Wind.

( GAVEL POUNDING )

Since there are
no more witnesses...

Your Honour, I salute you.

Nanu-nanu.

Your Honour, in your law,

is it true that I have a right
to speak for myself?

Well... yes.

( CLEARS THROAT )

( SOUTHERN DRAWL ):
Dr. Litney...

you don't like me, do you?

Your Honour, I have never been

interrogated
by a patient before.

Then how do you know
I'm doing it now?

( HONKING BARK )

You said I exhibited
antisocial behaviour.

Why?

Well, first of all,

you wouldn't tell me
where you were from.

And you, neither.

That's not my job.

And it's not mine, either.
We're even!

Now, about these tests you ran

that made you hate me.

( CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ):
Your Honour...

I don't hate this man,

but yesterday,
during one of my tests,

he tried to put a square peg
into a round hole.

But I did it, Your Honour.

He did. He did.

I don't know how he did it,

but I can't get the peg out now,

and it ruined
a perfectly good board.

And that's why you
dislike me, Dr. Litney.

I can sense that.

Your Honour, I don't have
time for this, really.

Oh, the time?
Excuse me.

It's... ( BEEPS )
10:36 exactly.

You see, Your Honour,
he's wearing

a wristwatch on his ankle.

No, Your Honour, I'm wearing

an ankle watch on my ankle.

If I was wearing an
ankle watch on my wrist,

then I'd be crazy.

Your Honour,
you see he's a wiseacre.

And you don't like wiseacres,

do you, Dr. Litney?

No, I don't!

And that's why you're
prejudiced against me.

I didn't say that.

You see how he's cleverly
twisting my words, Your Honour?

Oh, so you're calling me
clever now, Dr. Litney.

Isn't that another
word for intelligent?

So you see, Your Honour,

doesn't this case hinge
on my ability to learn?

Yes, it does, Your Honour.

And by the way, he flunked

his word association test
outright yesterday.

That's the test where I give him
words like, uh, like...

White.
Black.

Tall.
Uh, short.

Sky.
Birds.

Sex.
Uh, Pamela!

You said you'd never tell!

Oh...

Never tell, never tell.

Shh, shh.

You promised.

( CRYING ):
Now you've ruined everything!

Pamela! You and Litney?

I thought we were...

Your Honour, I have a patient

to take care of
in a short while.

Could you excuse me?

No, you're not going
anywhere without me.

Just a s... Pamela!
Pamela!

Your Honour...

Your Honour, the defence rests.

While it's true
that the, uh, defendant

may add a new dimension
to the word "eccentric,"

there is no law against that.

And since it appears he's no
danger to himself or society,

and we no longer
have a prosecutor,

or a witness

or anyone to write this down...

case dismissed.

We won. We won!

You won!

MORK:
Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Come in, Laser Breath.

ORSON:
Watch it, Mork.

I'm only 60 million
light-years away.

Just tell me what
you've learned about Earth.

Oh, I've learned a lot.

So much, it's hard
to comprehend.

It seems that everyone on
this planet is an individual,

and not only that,
they're proud of it.

Amazing!

If everyone's different,
how can a society function?

Not very well.

They almost locked me up

because they thought
my mind was imperfect.

Hmm.
Intelligent life.

Orson...

something very strange happened

that really confuses me.

I met this Earth girl
and her biological father,

and at my hearing,

they came to my defence,
especially the girl.

She defied the system
to protect me.

Why would she do such a thing?

I don't know.

It must have something
to do with emotions.

Investigate
the phenomenon closely.

It's interesting behaviour,

even if it is irrational.

Yes, it is.

Orson, this may
sound strange, but...

knowing that someone
would do that for me,

well, it makes me feel
really good inside.

Just remember, Mork,

you're sent there to observe,

not to get involved.

Yes, Your Immenseness.

This is Mork signing off
from Boulder, Colorado.

Until next week... nanu-nanu.