Original subtitles

Nanu, nanu!

Hi, Mork. I'm home.

May I take your coat?

What are you doing in there?

Trying to make your day a little bit better.

Oh, thank you. Here. Come.

Rest your weary bod.

There we go. Here.

Oh. Ah.

There we go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Whoa! No. Rest yourself there.

It's been a hard day at work, hasn't it, honey?

There we go. A little mental massage.

♪ Ooh-ooh, ah-ooh ♪

There we go.

There. You cozy yet?

Yeah. I really appreciate what you're doing,

but I haven't even been to work yet.

I brought it all home with me. See?

Oh. Then the Algerian mud rub is out.

I guess so.

Mind. What?

How come you haven't told me

what you're doing at the newspaper yet?

Because I'm not supposed to tell anybody.

All right.

But you gotta promise not to tell anybody else.

My lips are stapled.

Okay.

See, I'm working at the Boulder Journal

for a couple of weeks.

They hired me to answer the mail

that comes in to their Lonelyhearts column.

What's a "Lonelyhearts" column?

Oh, I know, spare parts for donors.

No.

Lonelyhearts column, it's for people who write in

and ask for personal advice.

Oh, but why would they write in to a total stranger?

I guess sometimes it's easier to, uh,

bare your soul to someone you don't know.

To tell you the truth, I'm kinda nervous about this

'cause I've never done anything like this before.

Oh, Mind, you're good at giving advice,

like that time you told me

not to eat soup with the thin end of the spoon.

Yeah. Well, my Journalism professor

recommended me for the job.

And nobody is supposed to know I'm doing this.

See, the regular Miss Lonelyhearts

is in Reno getting his divorce.

Are the letters in there?

Can I read them, please?

I mean, I am a super-intelligent alien

with highly attuned powers of sensitivity.

Please, give me a chance.

Eeh. I can tell you what that one's about already too.

Okay. How would a highly evolved being answer this one?

All right. Let's see.

"Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

"I found a pair of pantyhose in my husband's pocket.

Should I be worried?"

Don't panic. They may not be his.

I'm a whiz. I'm right there.

Next.

Oh. Mork, listen to this one.

All right.

"Dear Miss Lonelyheart,

"I've only lived in Boulder a few months

"but they've been very lonely months.

Somehow, men just don't notice me."

Poor guy.

"I'm not looking for anyone that unusual,

"just a nice guy who's sensitive,

likes the same things I like,

"and is genuinely interested in what I have to say.

"The trouble is I'm so busy every day,

"going to a school and working in a deli,

"I hardly have the opportunity to meet anyone

or maybe I just don't know how. Please help me."

signed "J. from New York."

This letter's from Jeanie!

She sounds pretty low, Mind.

Oh, she sure does.

Boy, I'd sure like to see her meet a guy

like the one she described.

Would that make you happy, Mind?

It sure would.

We gotta help her somehow.

First thing I've gotta do

is figure out how to answer this letter.

What we have to do basically is work out how she doesn't know

that you and I know that she knows

that she doesn't know that we know it.

I wish it were that easy.

Waitress.

Waitress!

Jeanie... Oh!

More coffee?

Sorry. You want a new bag?

Just our checks, please.

Yeah, uh, certainly.

Come on, let's go.

Here's your money.

Bye.

Hey, Jeanie.

Can I see you for a minute?

You know, for the last couple of weeks,

you've been walking around in a daze.

Uh, Remo, I'm a little lonely.

That's it? How can you be lonely?

You got me, you got your friends,

you got a television in your room.

Yeah, well, it's not that kind of lonely, Remo.

I need a guy who thinks I'm special.

No problem.

What about Turk down at the gas station?

Remember he whistled at ya?

He's a great guy.

He once bowled 260.

Thanks, Remo, but a woman needs more than that.

Look, I'm not... I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect here.

I just want a guy who's sensitive,

likes what I like, cares what I have to say.

There's nobody like that around.

You wanna know something?

I get lonely too.

Boulder's a long way from New York.

We're a couple of fish out of pollution.

It's hard to find your way,

but you gotta hang in there.

Someday you're gonna meet a great guy

who will appreciate you as much as I do.

I hope you're right.

I know I'm right.

You know, I haven't found the right girl for me either.

But I figure why not have fun with the wrong ones

while I'm waiting.

Meanwhile, we have each other.

Hey, listen,

why don't you let me close up for you tonight?

No. I'll close up. Okay.

You know, I'll see you later on

when I get home from Turk's.

Okay. You sure you don't mind?

No. Sure.

You take it easy, huh?

I'm not going anyplace anyway.

Mork.

Hi. I was just in here closing up.

I was just out here knocking.

I think I hurt my hands

because I guess I'm such a sensitive guy.

Uh, you wanna come on in?

Oh, thanks. Can I?

You know, I'm really fascinated by delicatessens.

I bet you are too, huh?

Uh, Mork, you okay?

Sure. I guess okay as a sensitive guy can be.

Whoa! You've got a dirty-dish collection too.

Oh. You collect dirty dishes?

Yeah. For about a week,

and then Mindy makes me clean it up.

Ah. Can I get you something?

Oh, no thanks.

Then why are you here?

Just to keep you company.

Oh.

What did you say?

"Oh."

Fascinating.

Um, Mork, I don't understand.

The deli's closed.

Well, I... You know, I was just thinking

how much we two have in common.

You're kidding. Like what?

Well, for one thing, we both don't eat live game.

Arr! Arr!

And we both love to laugh.

Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar!

Ar, ar, ar, ar!

Isn't that kind of uncanny?

Mork, you seem sort of different tonight.

I sure do.

Yeah, well, uh...

I gotta finish cleaning up.

Then what are you gonna do?

Uh... walk home.

Maybe I could walk with you, kind of tag along.

We can do this.

Maybe talk.

We could be little walkie-talkies.

You know, no one's walked me home in a real long time.

Well, I'm not worried.

I think you remember where it is.

Mm! Look! I made the newspaper.

Oh. They printed my first replies

in the Lonelyhearts column.

Oh, congrats, kudos, and plaudits.

Thanks.

What did you tell her?

I shall read it to you.

Well, I shall be attentive.

"Dear J. from New York,

"It's not easy leaving all your friends

"and moving far away from home.

"You feel like an island

in the midst of a sea of strangers."

Took me half an hour to come up with that one.

That's a catchy phrase, Mind.

Tennessee Williams, move over.

Here comes Colorado McConnell.

"It's possible that the person you're looking for

"is somebody you see every day but are just too busy to notice.

"Look around you.

"If he's there, try not to be shy.

"Reach out and show him how you feel.

"He might become interested in you

if he sees you're interested in him."

That's wonderful, Mind.

You're gonna make Abby crabby.

You think? I just hope it helps Jeanie.

I was helping her yesterday.

You were?

Yeah. I went over to the deli last night

and cheered her up.

You didn't tell her about the letters, did you?

No, I just walked her home and gave her a few laughs.

Oh. That's nice.

The worst thing we could do is embarrass her.

I know.

Why are you building a tower of Cheerios?

Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Why do I ask?

I have to get to class,

so, uh, I'll see you a little later.

Oh. If you get hungry,

your peanut butter pagoda's on the refrigerator.

I'll never remember what order they were in.

One-oh-four.

I feel like I'm living on a fault line.

Hi, Mork. Can I come in?

I know you can do it!

Just put one foot forward!

I came by 'cause I wanted to thank you again

for walking me home last night.

I really did enjoy it.

I had fun too,

especially leapfrogging over those fire hydrants.

Too bad about that dog, huh?

You know, Mork, um, ever since I moved here,

I've sort of felt

like an island in a sea of strangers.

That's a catchy phrase.

I mean, I know what it's like

to be a stranger in a strange land.

Does Mindy know that you walked me home last night?

Oh, yeah. I told her all about it.

Well, how does she feel about that?

Well, she says if you're happy, she's happy.

Yeah. Mindy once told me

that you and she were just good friends.

Is that still the way it is?

Well, yeah, we're buddies.

That's all? That's enough.

Well, there's something

that I forgot to give you last night.

Why did you do that?

Well, 'cause, uh, I really hope

that maybe we can keep seeing each other

like we did last night.

You mean we could do something very special like...

ringing doorbells and hide.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

your answer to my letter helped me a lot.

When I took the time to look around me,

I found someone who was there all along,

but I never realized how wonderful he is.

He came to my house the other night for dinner,

and we had a terrific time.

He's so thoughtful.

He brought me this little gift,

which will always remind me of him.

Before dinner we sat together for a while and talked.

The night had just begun, and already we were closer.

Before we knew it,

we found ourselves holding hands.

Pretty soon one thing led to another.

When it came time for dinner,

I realized he's one of the few guys I've met

who tries to be a gentleman.

And in addition to all his other good qualities,

he really knows how to make me laugh.

He has everything I've ever wanted in a guy.

He's so sensitive, gentle, he wouldn't hurt a fly.

He's such a good listener.

He really cares about whatever I have to say.

And, you know, he likes the same things that I like.

It's almost like a dream come true.

I just hope it won't be long

before he starts getting serious.

Thanks again for your kind help.

Gratefully, J. from New York.

She must have found somebody great!

"I hope it won't be too long

before he starts getting serious."

Serious.

If she wants serious, I'll give her serious.

Hi, Mork.

Hello, Jean, and I really mean that.

Are you glad to see me?

Indeed, I am, Jean. Make no mistake about that.

Is everything all right? You seem sort of strange.

I'm really in one of my serious moods, Jeanie. See?

Uh, is Mindy home?

No, she's not here right now.

But you can ask anyone:

Mr. Bickley, Exidor... They know her.

They'll vouch for me. I am not a liar.

Oh, it was such a hectic day.

I thought it would be fun just to come over,

and we could sit and talk for a while.

Well, perhaps I could tell you one of my favorite jokes.

What's black and white and red all over?

I know.

You're thinking, "a penguin with a heat rash."

but no-o-o-o, no-o-o-o, it's not that.

It's not a nun with a sunburn, either.

Now, come here.

I'll tell you the secret.

Did you hear a hum?

We'll have to discuss this at another time.

You are too much, Mork.

Hi. I'm home.

She's home.

Oh.

Hi, Mindy. Hi.

I've been wanting to tell you

how much fun I've been having with Mork.

Fun with Mork?

I've been showing her a good time. Wink, wink.

And I hope it will be for a lot more days to come.

Oh, Mind, I'm so glad it's okay with you.

Me too.

Oh.

Do you remember that blue blouse

I borrowed from you last week?

Uh, well, it's in the bedroom right now.

Could you get it for me please?

Yeah. Sure. Thanks.

Don't tell me you're the terrific guy

she's been writing me about?!

Yep, it's me.

Don't you realize what you've done?

But you said it was nice if I made her happy.

Then when she wanted to see me again,

I thought that was even nicer.

Oh, Mork. Jeanie wants more than just a friend.

She wants somebody she can spend her life with.

You mean like you and I share our lives?

And then some.

I forgot all about this blouse.

Mork, uh, if you like it, I could wear it tonight.

Um...

would you like to sit down?

Jeanie, um...

I think we have a problem here.

A big one.

I, uh, don't know how to tell you this,

but, uh, I think I have to before it goes too far,

if it hasn't already.

Uh... See...

I'm Miss Lonelyhearts.

What?

Uh, I... I've been reading your letters,

and I guess so has Mork.

And, uh, see, I was only trying to help.

Um, I...

I got this job at... Jeanie...

Wait, Jeanie.

Um, I gotta go.

You told me you wanted me to make her happy.

Yeah, but the trouble is you made her ecstatic.

Oh, what a tangled web I weave.

I don't understand.

Why'd you have to write those letters?

Why couldn't you come talk to me?

I'm your brother.

I didn't wanna dump my problems on you, Remo.

I'm gonna drown my sorrows in rocky road.

What good are these shoulders of steel

if my little sister can't...?

Can't lean on 'em once in a while?

I made a fool of myself, didn't I, Remo?

It's not your fault.

How were you supposed to know

Mork was such a heartbreaker?

I'd have never guessed it.

I'm just so confused.

I don't blame ya.

Mork should have known better.

But whatever happened, I just can't believe

that Mork or Mindy would do anything to hurt ya.

You know, if it had happened to me,

I think I'd look at it in this way:

Hey, at least I had a little fun.

I didn't sit at home with a long face.

I came out of my shell, and I'm not pregnant.

Hi, Remo. Hi.

Uh, can we talk to Jeanie?

Hey, guys, I don't think this is a real good time.

Please. It's important.

Well, okay, but try and make her feel better, would you?

Hi.

I'll be in my room.

Don't worry about the ironing.

I'll take care of it.

Jeanie, I just wanna say I'm really sorry,

and it was really dumb of me

to think I could just step into a job

and become Miss Know-It-All.

I mean, who am I to go around telling people

what to do with their lives?

I was just trying to be a friend.

I didn't know you wanted "and then some."

I'm sorry, Jean.

Wait, guys.

You see, ever since I, uh... I moved to Boulder,

I sort of had a hard time fitting in.

I never told anybody,

and then finally I wrote Miss Lonelyhearts.

And she told me that this wonderful guy

might be right in front of me,

which he was.

And that all I had to do was to reach out to him,

which I did.

And, guys, I had... I had so much fun.

But do you know why?

'Cause you both helped bring out qualities in me

that I forgot I had.

We did?

Terrific qualities.

And you made me realize why I haven't met that right guy.

I haven't been the right girl.

Oh, you always have been to us.

I love you, Mork.

I love you, Mindy.

Thanks to you guys,

I'm starting to love myself again.

Oh, I'm glad.

Me too.

Me too.

Well, how does it look?

Remo, did you ever write a letter

to Miss Lonelyhearts signed "Confused"?

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Hey, move, will ya?!

What did you learn about this week, Mork?

Oh. About shyness, your thighness.

Why do you toy with me so?

Because you're there, sir.

You see, sir, shyness is a major problem here on Earth.

It keeps people apart when they want to be together.

They see someone they want to know,

but they're afraid to approach them.

What causes this shyness?

Well, sir, I have a friend who became shy

when she moved away from home

to a place where she didn't know anybody.

You did that too, Mork.

I know, sir.

At first it was very hard to feel at home here.

People were so strange.

They talk in heavy accents. They drink with their mouths.

They sit on what we play checkers with.

I finally overcame it because I was willing to reach out.

What about your friend?

She spent a lot of time feeling lonely,

then she realized her best chance of going out

was to be more outgoing.

That reminds me of an old Orkan saying.

Me too, sir.

"If one stays too long in his shell, he'll wind up nuts."

On that same note, sir...

Nanu.