Original subtitles

Captain Nirvana!

Captain Nirvana!

What took you so long?

Well, the pet was a little hard to handle.

It bites.

Bite me and I'll remove your cheeks.

Leave us alone.

Who do you think you are?

I mean, you... You break down my door,

you mess up my house, you kidnap my best friend and...

And now you threaten my cheeks?

I mean, you're pushing me too far.

Well, if you think you're pushed too far,

my job's on the line.

Oh, I never wanted to be in the military

in the first place.

For one thing, you have to wear these drab uniforms.

I don't know. I mean, who could look good in this?

The bass player from Kiss?

Will you get in the cage?

Wait, wait... Wait a minute.

Uh, uh, maybe you and I could be friends.

Friends?

Yeah. Like, if we were friends,

we'd do nice things for each other,

like, uh, I might lend you my best purse,

and you might not kill me.

Well, it's a cute idea,

but I don't think it'll catch on.

No, no, wait! Think about it.

I'll bet you deep down inside, you and I are a lot alike.

I doubt it.

Uh, what do you plan to do with me?

Well, I haven't made up my mind yet,

but right now I need you for bait for your master.

He is not my master.

And how do you even know he's gonna come here?

Well, I don't know. It's just a hunch.

But I got a feeling he's got a yen for you.

It's called friendship,

but obviously you wouldn't understand.

Well, whatever. But what is it?

You've never had a friend?

Well, I...

I once felt something

for a man named Torga from the planet Lepto.

Torga from Lepto?

You know him?

No.

Just the name.

Oh.

Well, anyway, he was...

Well, he was a wonderful kind of guy.

I mean, he had long, beautiful hair

and a flowing red beard.

He was... He was, well, so nice and warm.

Really? Whatever happened to him?

I had him made into a jacket.

And there's something about Mork too.

Of course, he wouldn't make a very good jacket,

but I like him anyway.

Well, if you like him so much, why don...?

Why don't you just let him go?

Oh, well, it's strictly business.

You see, after I get all the information out of him,

maybe I won't destroy him.

Maybe I'll take him home with me and donate him to the zoo.

Yeah, but if you do that, you might as well kill him.

Okay.

Now, will you get in the cage?

I'm not getting in that cage.

How would you like to get into something

a little more comfortable, like thumbscrews?

If you need me, I'll be on my perch.

Mindy? Where are you?

Min! Min!

"While you were out." How nice.

"Dear Orkan swine, we have captured your pet.

"If you value your life, give yourself up.

"Otherwise, we'll realign her head,

"steam-clean her thighs, and rotate her limbs.

Yours truly, Nirvana."

Now, just remain calm. Deep breathing.

Remain calm.

Mork. Nelson!

Oh, Nelson, they got Mindy!

I was gonna get her and rescue her,

but now it's too late!

It's my fault! It's my fault!

Hey, easy, easy, easy.

That's better.

Nice outfit you got there.

Pretty boss threads.

I told Mindy you'd be back.

You're not gonna believe this.

You know what she said?

She said that you...

were captured

by three gorgeous women

from another planet.

By the way, where were you?

I was captured by gorgeous women from another planet.

You crazy nut!

Where's Mindy?

She was captured by three gorgeous girls...

From another planet!

I get it! I get it!

The two of you are in this together, right?

No, no, no.

Nelson, no!

It's true! They captured me,

and they took me to their spaceship.

Then they forced me to undress

and sit in a hot tub with all of them.

A hot tub!

I get it.

Candid Camera, right?

I heard it was coming back on.

Okay, Allen Funt,

come out wherever you are.

Oh, you're too much.

Well, goodbye, Mork.

Goodbye, Mr. Funt.

Let me know when I'm on.

Hi, Mom.

Three gorgeous girls from another...

Mork!

Min! Shh!

You shouldn't have come here.

I couldn't leave you alone.

Oh, but Mork. I'm only one person.

If they catch you, the whole world is in danger.

I'm gonna get you out of here, and if not,

I've got a backup plan. What is it?

Remember how I told you that the Necrotons are biodegradable.

They can only last on Earth for 24 hours,

and after that, well, bing!

And by my calculations, they only have a few minutes left.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, all we have to do is just stall.

Hiya, toots. Hiya, boots.

Well, I see my plan worked.

I am executive timber.

I hope you get executive termites.

Not nice.

All right.

I surrender. Let Mindy go.

Ha! Not a chance.

But we made a bargain.

So sue me.

There's something so nice about omnipotence.

Ew!

What's wrong with him?

Uh, he's... He's got something caught in his throat,

and he'll die unless you help him.

Oh, I need his brain.

F.

Oh... Oh, I don't know what you did,

but you saved me.

Enough of your cheap Orkan tricks.

Now, get in the cage before I forget I'm a lady.

Uh, all right.

I didn't want to do this, but according to cosmic rules,

and those dictated by Prime Minister Fluffy,

I hereby challenge you to a holotecker.

Ha! Sissy stuff.

I mean, if you really want a duel,

let's go all the way.

The Battle of the Rose.

Uh-uh. Not the Battle of the Rose.

What's the Battle of the Rose?

The greatest mental challenge in the universe, Min.

Those with the strongest will get to keep the rose.

This will be easier than Bobbing for Martians.

All right, who starts?

I'll flip you for it.

Whoa!

Ugh!

Captain Nirvana seems to have won the toss.

He has elected to receive.

It's time to begin the game with a play-by-play now.

Five yards this way.

Good luck to the both of you.

Ha-ha! You're pretty hot stuff, but I won.

I've got the rose.

Ha-ha! But I won. You're out of air and time.

Four, three, two, one.

Ha-ha! You're gone. Adiós.

Huevos rancheros, albóndigas, and anon.

What are you talking about?

Well, you should have deteriorated, but...

You're still here. You only had 24 hours.

Oh, those were Necroton hours.

Oh, excuse me.

Roughly how long is that on Earth?

Nine hundred years.

Boy, if I'd known that, I would have paced myself.

Oh, come on, Min. Cheer up.

Hey, I'll give you a ride.

♪ It was only a girl In a gilded cage ♪

Mork.

Sorry, Min. Stop trying to cheer me up.

Yeah, I know.

It's kind of hard to frolic in the face of doom.

You know, I've been thinking about all the things

that have happened to me since I've met you.

Well, one thing for sure,

I never thought I'd end up sitting in a birdcage

waiting for my brains to be sucked out by Necrotons.

Well, look on the bright side. You still have your health.

Mork, you know, you... You didn't have to come back

and risk your life to save me, but you did.

Thanks.

Yeah, but I kind of botched up.

Because if I'd done the right thing,

you'd be safe in your own home when they destroyed the Earth.

I guess we've had a full life.

I only wish I had gotten to meet Anson Williams.

Mork, there's something that I've been wanting to tell you

for a long time, but I just couldn't.

Oh, what is it, Min?

Well, one time when you weren't home,

I put on your spacesuit.

The helmet too?

Boots and all.

Are you mad?

No.

I have a confession to make to you too.

Well, one time when you weren't home,

I held your blow dryer

and jumped up and down on your bed.

Are you mad?

No.

I guess we've done it all.

Okay, Morky, it's time to get your brain sucked.

Oh!

Goodbye, Mork.

Goodbye, brains.

Hello, Larry.

Yaddy-yaddy, warden!

Oh, Mork!

Top of the world, Min!

Top of the world, Mindy!

Oh. Is this thing gonna hurt?

Oh, no. I won't feel a thing.

No, no. I meant me.

Well, you tremendously.

Oh.

Comfy? What?

It would have been easier if you'd talked.

But since we can't trust you,

we'll have to take out your brain

and squeeze out the information.

What?

Sutra.

Activate the extractor.

All right, I'll take it from here.

Prepare the ship for takeoff.

And check to see if the cookies are done.

Oh, Mork, Mork.

Boxing have been good to me, Howard.

Oh! It's too late.

Oh! It's not in there.

I think it in my ear.

Whew! Uh, that was close.

Oh, I'm so glad you're all right.

Well, I... I thought you wanted to suck out my brains,

put them in that little jar over there for the winter.

Oh, no, Mork.

That was just to pretend for those two...

Those two barracudas.

You see, ever since I danced the tango with you, well,

Well, I felt something I never felt before.

What was that?

Lack of hate.

Well, you know what they say.

"Lack of hate is a many splendored thing."

Oh, Mork, Mork.

If anyone on my planet knew what I was feeling now,

well, I'd be vaporized.

But, somehow, ever since I met you,

I've discovered there's a woman inside of me.

Oh, yes. I can see where she's hiding.

Oh, why? Oh, why? Why?

Oh, why?

Why do you have such power over me?

I do? Yes.

My life used to be so simple.

Up at 9, maim, torture, mutilate,

and then a light supper and curl up with a good book.

But now,

now I have to have you.

I want to take you home with me.

You'll be my slave.

Oh, we'll have such fun together. Ooh!

Well, we really can't.

We can't?

What could be more important than being my slave?

My friendship for Mindy.

You mean, you would pass up cosmic euphoria for that...

That thing scratching around in the cage?

You got it.

Maybe you'll feel differently after I put your pet to sleep.

Now, Nirvana, don't do anything rash.

Mork, you still have your brain!

That's the good news. There's some bad news

you don't want to hear right now.

Listen, can we talk about this, maybe discuss it?

No. We Necrotons have a saying:

"If an enemy gets in your way,

you just needlepoint a sampler out of their hair."

Oh, you're a real homebody, you know that? Mm-hm.

But since I don't have time to do all of that,

I'll just part her hair down to her toes.

What did she say? Oh...

It's just kind of girl talk, Min.

Something about split ends.

Listen, if you hurt her, you'll break my heart.

Oh, you can have one of mine. I have three.

All right, pet.

You have littered your last cage.

If you come near me, I'll...

I'll poke you with my perch.

No, no! No, no!

Now, listen.

If you hurt her, you'll never, ever be my friend.

Oh, you'll forget about her.

No. You never forget about a friend,

even when they're gone.

Oh, I don't know what I'm feeling.

No matter what I do, I can't win.

You are driving me crazy!

Mork, I think she wants to be a little more than just friends.

I don't care what you call it.

If I can't have him, no one can!

Whoa! Oh.

It's a strange way of showing affection, Min.

It's time for slicing and dicing.

No, no.

Not so fast, Captain Ferrucci!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ow! Ow!

Ha! You missed the whole galaxy.

Really?

I warn you.

I am the best swordsman in all of Ork.

Ow! NIRVANA: Ooh!

Ho-ho-ho.

Well, I never actually faced a person.

But I am undefeated

at capes and pictures.

Oh.

I can't do it.

You win.

I win?

Oh, what did I do?

I'll make a deal with you.

Mork, you can't trust her.

Oh, go peck your cuttlebone.

Listen, I'll set your pet free.

I'll... I'll say in my report

that the Earth was uninhabitable,

if only you'll come back and be my mate.

Oh, that's a wonderful offer.

Can I sleep on that?

Okay, okay.

We'll go back and you'll be the master.

I'll be your slave.

We've heard enough.

Drop your sword.

Don't point that thing at me.

I'm your captain.

Our ex-captain.

Filing false reports, that's treason.

We're going to vaporize you

and take the two specimens home with us.

We will be heroes.

See? I told you they wanted my job.

Traitors deserve to suffer.

I think we'll crush her slowly

with the Necroton death hug.

Ooh!

Gee, that always wrinkles my clothes.

Let's just vaporize her.

Hey, you with the death ray.

You've got a split in your tights.

Okay, ladies, put your hands up.

Don't worry. She can't shoot.

She doesn't know the firing sequence.

Quick! The death hug.

No, no, no! Don't harm her!

Aah! Oh!

Oh. Ahh, ha-ha-ha.

Whoo!

Oh!

I think I must have found the sequence.

Okay, gang, reach for Mars.

No. I mean, up with your hands!

Mork, not you!

No!! Not you, you!

No! Not you, them! No, you... Mork! Mork!

Mindy... No, Mindy.

She's with me, me, me, me, me.

Okay, open the door.

Get out, pet.

I'm not a pet.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Get in, goons.

Oh, Mind.

Oh, we did it!

You know, I still don't understand.

I tortured you, I put you in a cage, and...

And yet you helped me,

and, Mork, you saved my life.

Well, what else would a friend do?

I don't know. I never had any.

Are you gonna let us go?

Sure. You got the gun.

Mork. Mind.

Here.

We have more with our friendship

than could ever be destroyed by any gun.

Now will you let us go?

Do I have to?

A friend would.

You guys sure play rough.

This time I had my eyes closed.

Yeah, me too.

Well, goodbye, Nirvana.

Next time you come to this planet,

I won't hide.

Oh, what are you gonna do with Kama and Sutra?

I'm gonna try to teach them what you taught me,

but if that doesn't work, I think I'll have them stuffed.

Wait!

W-when you have friends,

does it hurt when they leave you?

Yes.

Well, then, I guess I've found some real friends.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson!

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Olly, olly fats in free!

Mork! Yeah.

I'm relieved to see you're in one piece.

Well, sir, what did you expect to see me in, a bikini,

your Harper's Bazaarness? Ar-ar.

Congratulations on once again

surviving the attack of the Necroton.

Well, sir, this has been a week to end all weeks.

I'm not kidding you.

Now that it's over,

have you any special observations to report?

You must remember this: That a kiss is still a kiss,

and a sigh is just a sigh.

And on Earth, friendship is as contagious as the flu.

Are you sure?

Well, it must be, sir. I mean, I caught it from Mindy,

then I gave it to Nirvana, captain of the Necrotons.

You gave it away?

Well, I got it right back.

I mean, that's the funny thing about friendship.

It's like a boomerang!

It comes right back at you. Bam!

But you wasted it on a Necroton, our enemy.

Well, but now we have one less enemy.

There's plenty more Necrotons where she came from, Mork.

Oh, but, sir, how about this for a plan?

Tell you what. If everybody makes two friends

and those two friends make two more friends,

and two more friends, and... Yeah! out to infinity,

pretty soon, we'll all be flying the friendly skies

and united.

Until next week, sir. Nanu, nanu.