Original subtitles

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Okay...

left foot on the blue dot.

Look out!

Oh... what happened?

I'm sorry.

And Mork...

I'm sorry I sat on your face.

That's all right, Julius.

I do it all the time.

Okay? Great. Thanks.

Are you all right?

Sure. I love to play "Squash the Alien."

Oh.

Could you breathe down there?

Only out.

Well, I'm sorry all those people fell on you, Mork.

Oh, that's a great game. Let's play another game

like, "Musical Spikes" or "Hide and Go Kill."

Ah, Why don't you just come out and say

you don't want to play this silly game.

I didn't want to be rude.

Come on in.

Okay, I'll spin again.

Please... don't get up.

They didn't come in that way, did they?

That's obscene.

It looks like a Christmas card from Hugh Hefner.

It's just a game.

See, they're not supposed to fall over.

Oh?

Left hand to blue...

Mr. Bickley, you can't just come in here

and start shoving my guests around.

You should at least ask first.

Do you know what that sounds like downstairs?

Like R2-D2 trying to do a soft-shoe.

Oh, come on.

We just started playing this game.

And what trouble-maker is sucking ice into his mouth

and spitting it back into an empty glass?

Oh, sorry.

And stop putting ice cubes in your drinks.

You know what it's like

being under 13 people all tinkling at once.

I guess we'll have to try and be more quiet.

Tell you what... we'll only play "spin the sock",

and we'll replace our stereo needle with a Q-tip...

and we'll only play charades wearing gloves.

Shut up!

Thank you.

Look, Mr. Bickley...

look, I have just about had it...

Hey, don't try to get cozy

with me, sweetie pie.

I'm steamed.

And when I'm steamed, it's no more Mr. Wonderful.

I have my rights and I'm not leaving here

until there's no more dancing, singing, laughing, talking or bodily sounds.

Oh, sorry.

Look at that, it's 8:30 already.

Well, we better be going...

Wait a minute you guys.

Don't let him scare you off.

See you later.

Oh, really...

Come on, Julius...

I'm sorry, Mindy.

I have to go.

I have a self-assertion class.

I'm afraid if I'm late, they'll kill me.

Come on, Julius.

We'll get together again... real soon.

Over my dead body.

Hey, that's a great game.

It takes a long time to play though

and gets kind of gross near the end.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Everyone's gone.

When it comes to parties, I'm the super pooper.

Mr. Bickley, you are the worst...

you are the most unreasonable...

Don't forget cantankerous.

That's on my business cards.

Hey, what's this?

A transistor noise-maker?

No, no, no, no, see... That's a radio for deaf mutes.

See?

♪ I love you more than you'll ever know... ♪

Turn it down.

♪ I love you more than you'll ever know... ♪

I know what it is, Mr. Wiseacre.

It's a pocket calculator.

Big deal!

Well, this is an incredibly boring party.

You know, it's funny.

When you're actually up here,

it's not so noisy.

Whew, boy, am I glad

he didn't start pushing any buttons

on this Age Machine.

Why? I think it would be funny

seeing Bickley acting like a little kid.

Except, he'd probably tell his mother

to put a muffler on his rattle.

That's impossible.

You see, only Orkans are affected by the Age Machine.

No matter who presses these buttons,

I'm the one who goes through the changes.

Well then, you'd better put that in a safe place.

Yeah, you're right.

I sat on it once and became two ages at once.

That must've been terrible.

Yeah, I became a Boy Scout

and an octogenarian at the same time.

I spent days helping myself across the street.

Dad, Grandma,

has anybody seen my Mindy necklace?

Well, I don't think it's here anywhere, honey.

Did you lose it?

Well, I-I took it off at my party last night

and when we were cleaning up, I couldn't find it.

It's my theory that it was sucked into a parallel universe.

The same universe that socks go

when you lose them in the dryer.

I bet that Jimmy Hoffa is wearing it right now.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have a luncheon date.

And I must go and spray myself with ♪ Charlie ♪.

You know, I'd hate to think that somebody took it.

It was just a cheap necklace.

I don't know why anybody would want it.

All right,

let's use our powers of deductive reasoning.

Whoever took it had to be named "Mindy".

Now who at the party was named Mindy?

All right, up against the wall, sister!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Come on. This is serious.

Why would I take my own necklace?

The insurance?

Why don't you call up everybody who was at the party

and ask if they're a despicable thief?

Boy, I hate to think it was taken by a friend.

Hey, I've got an idea.

I'll tell you what.

We'll go to Jamaica, get a gris-gris man,

put de voodoo on it, man,

wait till his arms fall off, then we know, man.

We got him hands down, boys.

Hello, Debbie Wilson?

Yes, this is Mork.

I'm a friend of Mindy's.

Well, any friend of Mindy's is a friend of mine, too.

Listen, did you steal Mindy's necklace?

What? I don't know what that has

to do with anything,

but yes, I can blow it out my ear.

No, I'm sorry, not raw.

Okay.

Oh! Some friend!

Hi. Guess what I got us for dinner.

I got us some spare ribs.

Did you find my necklace?

No, because I'm still playing detective.

Listen, sweetheart, if you'd like to be my assistant,

how about your going in the bedroom

and slipping on that flimsy negligee I got for you.

Okay, Sherlock,

when you find out who dunnit, you let me know.

I found out who didn't done it.

I phoned everyone in your class and accused them.

You what?

Yes. When I ran out of that, I had to widen the search.

I used this book of mug shots here.

Those aren't mug shots.

That's my high school yearbook.

Oh, yeah? What about this one?

Linda Birchey.

She received the Catharine The Great Award

from the 4-H Club,

was voted "loosest and most likely to succeed."

Mork, that girl isn't a criminal.

She's a cheerleader.

Oh, that explains when she told me to drop dead,

she spelled out:

Give me a "D," give me an "R," give me an "O."

Wait a minute. You talked to her?

Oh, yeah. I called everybody in this book.

And by the way, Molly Berger says hello

and she'd like to push your face in a Cuisinart.

I can't believe you called all my friends.

I can't believe what they called you.

Oh, Mork, how could you do this to me?

Do this to you?

I'm the one that had to take the abuse and the threats.

Threats? Yes, but don't worry.

No one's going to burn down this house as long as I'm alive.

Oh, Mork!

Wow! I didn't know we had one of these!

Oh, I forgot.

You haven't seen one of those before, have you?

Are you kidding? I know how to use this.

Watch this, mama.

Meadowlark, check this action.

I'm goin' in for a slam dunk. Ta-da!

Oh, no, I didn't know it was with litter.

That was our dessert.

Oh, heavy melon-choly.

No, it might be the Fruit Police!

Don't worry. I'll answer the door.

We have to be cautious about this.

Are you expecting a zipper?

You have some nerve, McConnell.

She's also got a great set of frontal lobes, too.

I can't work with all this noise.

Sorry about that.

That won't happen again, will it, Wilt?

Not until we grow another ball.

It better not.

I've been stuck on the same verse for hours.

Why didn't you come to me for help?

Listen, what are neighbors for?

I was tops in my poetry class.

Listen to this.

There was a young fweeble from glerm,

whose foboes were stuck in her blerm.

As she plimmeled her quaft and said with a twaft...

Excuse me.

That's good.

It's filthy, but it's good.

I knew you'd like it.

Hey, that's an idea.

I'll change my verse to a limerick.

Gee, thanks.

Thanks a lot. That's terrific. Thank you.

And no more noise up here!

And now I've got to decide whether to move to another city

or apologize personally to my entire graduating class.

I'm sorry, Mindy.

I was just trying to solve the case.

Oh, I know, Mork. Your heart was in the right place.

Yeah, it's still there.

Hey, wait a minute, the ribs are gone.

No, if they were gone, I couldn't breathe.

I'd just blow up like...

No, no.

They were here a minute ago and now they're gone.

All right, then let me retrace my steps.

I was right here.

And Bickley was right here

and now Bickley and the ribs are gone.

Well, who'd want to steal Bickley?

No, Mork, Bickley stole the ribs.

Why would he want to do that?

I don't know.

But he was at the party last night, too.

Aha. And he had access to your pork.

I don't understand it,

but he must have done it.

All right, let's put the clues together.

First the necklace.

Now Grand Theft, pork.

That proves he's not Kosher. All right.

Shazbot! What?

He stole my Orkan Age Machine.

Oh, no, that could be terrible.

He doesn't know what he has.

And if he starts pressing those buttons...

Oh, it's okay, Mork.

He's gotta press another button soon... I hope.

Whew. I'm back.

I'm glad he didn't keep me there too long,

because at that age I wasn't housebroken.

He must've taken your Age Machine

because he thought it was a calculator.

Yeah, I just hope he doesn't try

to balance his checkbook tonight,

or I could be doing squats with Sitting Bull.

I just can't believe...

Whew! All right, hon, that was a wonderful TV dinner.

Thanks, not tonight, though,

I have a headache. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Tell you what.

Let's pack the kids in the car, we'll have a martini,

then we'll go to the PTA meeting.

We'll raise the flag. Oh, no!

Oh-oh, I can't believe what he's doing.

He set it for "Middle-Age".

I didn't even know I had an attachment for "Middle America".

We'd better stop him before he sets it for "Old Age"

or even worse, "Cadaver."

"Cadaver"? You mean, like in corpse?

Oh, yeah, you should try it sometime.

You always said you wanted

to see if your nails could be longer.

This is serious.

Maybe Mr. Bickley has kleptomania.

What's that?

Well, a kleptomaniac is a person

that steals compulsively.

Oh, like politicians.

Hey, Betty Lou, come on.

Let's go down to the lake and listen to my voice change.

Come on. Let's go...

Look cooties, cooties!

Da-da-da-da-da!

Nyah-nyah-yah nyah-nyah-yah!

Whoa! He must be doing long division now!

We've got to stop him before he does square roots

and sends me all the way back along my evolutionary track.

You mean, all the way back to the ape?

Oh, no. You see, on Ork there were no apes.

We evolved from...

Mork! Is that you?

Does this live here?

Uh... yes, he does, Officer.

His name is Mork.

Mork? I thought it was Henny Penny.

I found him acting like a chicken

and running back and forth across the highway.

Mork, why were you crossing the road?

I think I was evolving a joke.

I had this strange urge to get to the other side.

He didn't do anything wrong, did he?

We almost took him in on a 602:

Pecking an Officer.

Yeah, my nose is killing me.

What, uh, happened to your clothes?

I was molting.

That's why...

that's why I put that bag on him.

Well, thanks for bringing him home.

Is this some kind of fraternity prank?

No, I'm just weird.

Yeah!

That's what it is. It's a fraternity prank.

Shake the officer's hand, Mork.

Nanu-nanu.

Oh! Sigma-Delta-Phi!

I'm Alpha-Nu.

You know... Iggy-diggy.

See you around the campus, buddy.

My kind of guy.

Are you all right?

Yeah, now I am. But he sent me

all the way back to cave-chicken.

It was really a drag... Building fires,

trying to hatch everything I could find.

You didn't have a baby in the last half hour, did you?

No, I don't think so. Phew! I'm glad

I didn't do that fertility dance barefooted, then.

What's in the bag?

Oh, the usual... seeds, corn...

one egg I tried to hatch.

Phew! What a drag that was.

And this... this came off a woman

I was dragging to build a nest.

The good parts got away, though.

Well, at least you're back to normal now.

Yeah, but that's just for the moment.

Who knows? If he starts using that machine again,

I could be a gleam in some Cro-Magnon rooster's eye.

Well, Mork, the only way to handle the situation is

we're just going to have to confront Bickley,

and tell him to give us our stuff back.

You're right. I'm with you, Mama. Let's go.

We're going to make that rat squeal.

We're gonna make him let the cat out of the bag

and let the beans fall now! Come on, let's go! Let's go.

Hey, don't you think you ought to change first?

I guess you're right.

It's kind of hard to look macho

in a green plastic dress.

Come on, Mr. Bickley, open up.

Yoo-hoo, sticky fingers!

It's all right. He's not here.

Let's go. Come on.

We'd better not. Come on, Mindy.

We've got to get that Age Machine back.

Yeah, but Mork, it's against the law to go into somebody's apartment

when they're not home, even if the door is unlocked.

Oh, can you honestly say that, since Watergate? Let's go.

Yeah, but we could get

in trouble!

No, come on!

Look, Bickley's working on a new greeting card.

Let's see this...

"To a brave and fearless hunter,

"whose face is really red.

"You thought you winged a turkey,

but it was your brother's head."

Boy, he's got one for every occasion.

Look, here's your Age Machine.

Ah! Let's see if it's still working.

I'll set it for "One Second Ago."

I'll set it for "One Second Ago."

I'll set it for "One Second Ago."

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you... Ah!

That thing is dangerous.

Look!

There's my Mindy necklace.

Ha! All the evidence is in.

Necklace...

meat... and this...

Obviously, we're dealing with

a carnivorous transvestite with an age hang-up.

♪ "M" is for the million things she gave me ♪

He's coming! ♪ "O" means only that she's growing old... ♪

What do we do? Mallard! Mallard!

What? Duck!

♪ "R" means right ♪

♪ And right means ever true ♪

♪ Put them all together, they spell "Mother" ♪

♪ And that's what I will always be to you. ♪

Come on, sing along.

You can do it. Come on.

♪ "M" is for the million things she gave... ♪

Uh-oh.

Running a little low.

I'd better get back to the old friendly skies.

I've got a surprise for you.

That's why I made you wear a blindfold

in the Doggie Department.

Look, isn't it cute?

Your own little fire hydrant.

With your own little magazine rack.

Oh, and here's a treat to make your teeth grow in

big and strong... and sharp.

Make the mailman earn that last raise we had to give him.

Oh, woodgie-woodgie!

Oh! Bicky, you and I are so much alike,

except for the hair and the ears and the tail...

and the fleas.

Hope I didn't give you any.

You're the only true friend I have.

You know...

I sometimes feel you're like a son to me...

a sweet little boy.

I-I wonder, if you could talk, what you would say to me.

You're a thief, Pop...

Well, that hurts, Bicky.

That rea... Wait a minute.

Dogs can't talk.

There must be another animal in here!

Come on out! Come on!

Hi!

No shoot, G.I., no shoot.

Hey, what are you two doing here?

Uh...

Hey, this is trespassing.

Well, uh...

You're breaking and entering.

You're thieves! Burglars!

Oh, no, it's not like that. See...

Well, I'm sure there is

a very reasonable explanation

why you are in my apartment.

All right, let's hear it.

Yes.

As a matter of fact, there is a reason why we're in your apartment.

We came here to get the stuff back that you stole from us.

Prove it.

Do you think I'd take the word of a couple of burglars?

Aw, come on, Bickley.

Cut the canine residue, and let's get to it.

Why'd you do it?

You're so fond of those stupid party games.

Why don't you guess?

All right.

You're a kleptomaniac.

Wrong!

Want some dip?

Oh, thank you.

You did it for the money?

No!

Want a cocktail weenie?

How do you get money for fencing pork ribs?

I've got it! You horrible man!

You're building a Frankenpig.

Not even close.

You want a soft drink?

Oh, thank you.

Don't thank me. They're yours.

Oh, for a thief, you're awfully gracious.

Thank you. Anyone want to dance?

Mr. Bickley, this is not a party.

Well, not with everybody standing around like this.

Mr. Bickley, did you take our things

so that we'd come down here to talk to you?

Hogwash! Why would I want to see you?

You didn't invite me to your party.

Whoa, you mean you really wanted to come?

I would have gladly slipped a disc to play that stupid game.

As it was, I had to come down here and play it with Bicky.

You really love that ball of fur we gave you, don't you?

My wife and I tried for years,

but we couldn't have one of our own.

Ooh, heavy sigh. A dogless couple.

I didn't know you were married.

I lost her in 1966.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

Every night I pray...

the old bat doesn't find me.

She didn't like me, either.

You know, Mr. Bickley,

to have friends, you've got to be nice, too.

There's always a price.

That's what I like about Bicky.

I don't have to do anything to make him like me.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I see you walking him all the time.

Yeah, and I see you feeding him and talking to him

and scooping up after him. That's a lot of work.

Well, it's worth it.

He's never said an unkind word to me.

Well, what the point is, is that it's not that hard to be nice.

Yeah, and it was a lot of work to steal all this stuff

just so we'd come down and visit you.

Stealing wasn't all that much work,

especially when it's from someone you really care about.

Oh, Mr. Bickley,

I'm sorry you think we slighted you.

There.

Listen, from now on,

we're going to be the best of friends, okay?

Yeah, and if we ever find anything missing again,

I promise we'll come to you first.

Aw, that's really nice.

Look...

I'm not used to this sentimental garbage.

I'll have to take a little of this swill at a time.

Come on, get out of here, you guys.

Come on. Hit the road.

That's it. Come on!

Vamoose, amscray.

That's it for the night. Come on.

We want to be alone.

And if you find anything of yours missing,

come by our place and come look for it, okay?

Around dinner time.

And don't play that stolen radio all night!

Some watchdog you are!

Come on, you want to have a party?

Mork calling Orson...

come in, Orson...

Mork calling Orson...

come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Everything all right, Orson?

Yes, this better be good, Mork.

You got me out of the shower.

Oh, please don't shake yourself dry this time, Your Immenseness.

Last time, it rained for weeks.

Get on with it, Mork, while I look for a towel.

Oh, don't tarry, sir.

The report, Mork!

Sir! This week, I discovered

a terrible Earth disease called "loneliness."

Do many people on Earth suffer from this illness?

Oh, yes, sir. And how they suffer!

One man I know suffers so much,

that he has to take a medication called "bourbon."

Even that doesn't help very much,

because he can hear paint dry.

Does bed rest help?

No, because I've heard that sleeping alone

is part of the problem.

You see, Orson,

loneliness is a disease of the spirit.

And people who have it think that no one cares about them.

Do you have any idea why?

Yes, sir. You can count on me.

You see, when children are young,

they're told not to talk to strangers.

And when they go to school, they're told

not to talk to the person next to them.

And finally, when they get to be very old,

they're told not to talk to themselves.

Who's left?

Are you saying that Earthlings

make each other lonely?

No, sir, I'm saying just the opposite...

That they make themselves lonely.

They're so busy looking out for number one,

they don't have room for two.

It's too bad everybody down there

can't get together and find a cure.

Well, here's the paradox, sir.

Because if they did get together,

they wouldn't need one.

Isn't that Zenlike?

One hand clapping...

Until next week... nanu-nanu.