Original subtitles

Na-nu, na-nu.

Shazbot!

Mindy, mind if we start without you?

No, go ahead. I'll be out in a minute.

How about that new Pope, huh?

Well...

So King Kong's finally up the Empire State Building

and he's got Fay Wray.

Hey, careful there, my son, you'll hurt yourself.

He's got Fay Wray and she says,

"Put me down, put me down."

He goes: "Okay."

Yeah, I guess that kind of bit the big one. You're right.

What is that?!

Oh, Mindy, it's not a what.

It's a "who". I'd like you to meet O'Keefe!

But you didn't tell me he was a chimpanzee!

I also didn't tell you he's on the lam.

He's a con.

He's a what?

He's a fugitive.

He said there's no zoo in the country

that'll hold him inside.

Well, where did you find him?

Well, I was up in a tree

observing bald spots on human beings.

I was up to 85 men...

and all of a sudden I realized

something hairy was watching me.

So all of a sudden, I thought, "Hey, let's bring him home."

He'll cheer you up,

and besides I'm not sending him back to the Big House

with those rotten screws.

Mork,

that's ridiculous.

He's got to go back to the zoo.

No! You see?

No way. They'll put him on banana bread and water.

They'll take away his tire.

Mindy, who are you kidding?

It's a jungle in there.

Mork, they don't do that to animals.

At the zoo he'll get food and protection and love.

Really? Yeah.

And besides, running around free

he might hurt himself.

Well... I wouldn't want that to happen.

Well, you heard the warden.

I guess I've got to take you back to your cell.

I'm sorry, old friend.

Go upstairs and start packing.

But don't worry... we'll arrange conjugal visits with Cheetah.

And I'll send you a banana with a file in it.

But look at this, Mindy.

He taught me a dance.

It's the funky-monkey hustle. Watch.

Come on, Mindy... Don't be afraid.

Come on, don't be... Mork,

you've been acting awfully strange lately.

I mean, more strange than usual.

Ah, you've noticed.

Noticed? How could I help it?

Like yesterday,

you spent all day walking and talking backwards.

Well, that's all behind me now.

Well, what's next?

I'm glad you asked.

Well, today, I thought I'd go out

and buy 400 balloons

and a tank of nitrous oxide

and some calves liver.

Mork, why are you doing all these strange things?

To cheer you up.

But I'm not sad.

But you will be after you hear the news

that I have to tell you.

What news?

Well, I've got orders from Orson.

I've been transferred to another planet

and I'll never ever see you again.

What?

Well, you've got to look at the good side.

You're not losing an alien.

You're-you're gaining an empty room.

Well, I have a very fine set here

and it has some very good attachments that go with it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay... I'll take them.

It-it doesn't work quite as well without the cord.

You're not going to be able to hear a thing.

Perfect.

I want to keep noise out.

If I hear anything, I'll bring them back.

Well, it's your money.

That'll be $50.

These work fine.

I didn't hear a word you said.

I said that'll be $50.

Will you take a check?

Certainly. Fine.

Get it from your daughter.

Hey, wait a minute.

You just can't walk out of here.

What do you mean, get it from Mindy?

Listen, I live underneath your daughter

and I work at home.

I write greeting cards.

Ah... you're Buckley.

Bickley. Yeah, Mindy's told me about you.

Well, Let me tell you about her.

I can't concentrate with all that racket.

How do you expect me to write sympathy cards

with her crying all morning?

Crying? Why was she crying?

Who cares? Crying is crying.

Find out from her when you hit her up about the check.

Yes, but you just can't...

Oh, Dad... Honey, what's wrong?

Oh, brother!

Honey, what is it?

Oh, something awful has happened.

Mork's been transferred to another planet.

I'll probably never see him again.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh... when is he leaving?

In a couple of days.

Dad, what am I gonna do?

Mork... he's just about my best friend, that's all.

I'm sure glad I don't read lips.

Mindy!

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

And Mindy's dad...

Hi, Mr. McConnell.

Hello. Hi, Susan.

Hi. Listen, I was just in the jewelry store

across the street buying myself a numero uno charm...

Susan, I think maybe some other time...

Oh. Well, are we a little depressed today?

Yeah, she's a lot depressed.

Personal reasons.

Well, of course, I was never one to pry.

All I can tell you is,

I used to get all these emotional ups and downs all the time

at the least little thing.

But that was before I got ERK.

What's ERK?

Oh, Mindy... E.R.K.

Ellsworth Revitalization Konditioning.

I don't mean to be picky,

but you spell "conditioning" with a "C".

Right.

Maybe you do, but Ellsworth doesn't.

Ellsworth says that

spelling is just another hang-up.

So, how about it?

Susan, I just don't feel up to it today.

Hey, grab yourself a cup

and I'll split my lunch with you.

Thanks, but I'm not into toy cocktails.

Oh, well, Mindy, I mean,

you can do this if you want,

but just remember,

you're going to be going through emotional

ups and downs

for the rest of your life

until you find something like ERK.

You see, Ellsworth teaches you to love yourself.

I'll bet you got an "A".

"A" plus.

Ta-ta.

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

Hey, oh, have I got a surprise for you.

Oh, I've got a surprise for you.

There we... stay.

Mindy, you'll never guess

what's in the bag. Take a flying guess.

Come on, take a flying guess.

Mork, I don't feel like guessing.

Okay, I'll guess it for you myself.

Time to play "What's my bag"!

Uh, mystery object, are you a shovel?

No!

Are you a Synanon joke book?

No.

I give up.

Well, I guess I'll have to tell myself.

And to present the prize, our lovely prize girl, Lola.

Thank you, Otto.

Guess what it is, Mindy!

It's a going away present for Mindy

and it's an exciting new gift

I got this morning on the street corner.

It's Zen-O-Matic.

It's a what?

It's Zen-O-Matic, the exciting new kitchen tool

that does absolutely nothing. That's right.

It can't dice, it can't peel, it can't chop...

it won't even make julienne fries... whatever those are.

That's right, Zen-O-Matic does didley for you.

Yes, the exciting new kitchen tool

from the people who brought you frozen sand

and electric toothpaste.

Send absolutely nothing today

to Buhdda Productions care of Nirvana, Box Omm...

Get one today!

I appreciate what you're trying to do.

I really do.

But I'm just not in the mood for it right now.

Well, you don't have to be sad on account of me.

How can I help it?

You're being sent off

to some remote corner of the universe.

I don't even know where.

It's not that far away.

It's just the other side of the universe.

It's the Sigma Seven Galaxy.

It's a troubled planet called Tsoorus.

And the people there aren't very friendly,

but the good thing is they're tiny.

Even in their most vicious mood,

they can only bite you below the ankle.

How can you let Orson do this to you?

Well, maybe you're afraid of him, but I'm not.

Plug me into your head.

I want to talk to that fat fascist.

I guess I forgot to tell you.

You see, I talked to him this afternoon.

You did? What did he say?

Well, Mindy, I've been thinking this over a lot

and I don't think I'm very much good for you.

You know, I do silly things...

I make weird objects...

I talk to furniture

and leave you out of the conversation...

I'm always getting in the way...

I bring home strange people.

I see.

Orson wouldn't change his mind.

No, I talked to Orson for a real long time and...

he said I could stay on Earth as long as I want.

He did?!

That's wonderful.

Yeah, it's nice to have a choice...

and I chose to leave.

Mork, but why?

Why would you want to leave here?

Are you unhappy?

Is it something that I've done?

Oh, no.

It's something you have.

Emotions.

That doesn't make sense.

Oh, yes, it does.

See, one day I'm going to have to leave the earth,

and it's going to hurt you very much.

I've only been here a few months and look how you feel.

Imagine what it would be like after ten years?

The longer I stay, the harder it will be for you.

But what about you?

Me? The Cosmic Charles Bronson?

I don't have a heart.

It won't be a problem for me.

It's a problem for me.

I've got a big adjustment to make...

Getting used to no Mork.

I know what I can do... get O'Keefe out on parole.

It'll be almost like having me around.

It'll be a lot like having you around.

Oh, what a nice thing to say.

Who is it?

Miss McConnell...

Oh, no...

Mr. Bickley, please,

we are not making any noise.

We're not doing anything.

I know that.

I was just downstairs feeling depressed.

I thought I'd come up here

and share it with you.

Ah, Mr. Pickley! That's nice. That's Bickley.

Oh, Mindy, let him come in.

He has something to share.

Something really nice.

Mr. Bickley, I'm sorry to be rude,

but I'm very upset right now.

Mork is leaving town.

Ha! That's didley.

He's just going out of town.

I'm going out of business.

I used to be the best greeting card writer around.

But I can't work anymore.

Oh, come on.

We don't make that much noise.

I know.

I was blaming it on you, but it's time I faced it.

I've lost it.

Well, we could form a posse and find it if you want.

Oh, it's no use.

They say your sympathy is the first thing to go.

I used to be able to get tears out of a coat rack.

Not any more.

Listen to this.

"Your pet rabbit died,

"Poor little Muffit

"Your two choices are:

Eat it or stuff it."

Oh, that's sad.

Mr. Bickley, you're just going through a writer's slump.

Mork is leaving for good.

Look, sister, little Muffit ain't coming back either.

Oh, none of us has a reason to be happy now.

I'll drink to that.

Knock-knock.

Well, what a group.

Hear No Evil, See No Evil and...

Feel No Pain.

What's wrong with you people?

I've lost my talent.

Mork is leaving.

The rabbit died.

You know you guys could just sit around here

feeling depressed or you could all be straightened out

by one little thing.

Paul Williams?

No... ERK.

You people have got to get ERK.

You've been irking me since you came in.

Mindy, listen.

ERK would help you with your depression

and Mr. Bickley... you know,

you could use some help with your drinking.

I drink fine by myself.

Oh, and, Mork, I bet he could come up with something for you.

Yeah.

That sounds exciting.

Come on, Mindy, let's not poop the party.

Ellsworth might be able to help both of us,

and besides, I don't want to leave you like this.

Oh, Mindy, come on.

Look, it would do you some good

and I am not going to take "no" for an answer.

I am going to sit right here until I get your word on it,

and that goes for you, too, Mr. Hickle.

Bickley!

Oh, Ellsworth,

before we get started

I have a couple of friends I'm dying for you to meet.

Two of my closest friends in the entire world.

Uh, Mork and Mindy...

This is Ellsworth.

Oh, Ellsworth, you know,

we're so lucky to have a man like you, so unselfish

with a special gift...

Yeah, Excuse me.

Excuse me, could you hold that thought

just a moment? Oh, yes.

17, 18, 19...

20... 20 bodies, 20 checks.

Okay, we're all set.

Now, what were you saying?

She was saying how nice it was

that an unselfish man like you

came all this way for a little thing like money.

Yeah, it sure is.

Okay, the agreement was for 8:00.

Let's begin the session, all right?

Oh, right. Yes.

Oh, everybody, places, places.

Ellsworth is ready.

Boy, you're really going to hear something now.

Hellooo.

Hellooo.

Is that it?

You people are all dipsticks.

You're scuzz!

The next question is, of course, what will you be doing here?

Susan?

Well, we will be trying to find our own space.

Uh, very good, Susan, very good.

Yes, you have an item, Mork?

Uh... A point of Ellsworth order.

Um... my item is simply this.

It seems like Susan has her own space.

This is her apartment

and there's barely enough room for any of us.

That's a joke.

You're out of order, pal.

But it's a reality.

Reality is nothing more than a concept.

Oh, but it's truth.

This is truth... Sit down and shut up.

Thank you.

Now... it's sharing time.

This is the time when you people

will say whatever is on your mind.

Say whatever you think will set you free.

Who wants to begin here?

Susan.

Oh.

Um...

Well, it-it used to bother me

and intimidate me that I was so much more beautiful

than anyone else, but...

since I got ERK, I discovered that I just have to learn

to live with the fact that I'm fun to be near,

and just love myself as the rest of the world does.

Anyone else?

I'm having trouble understanding any of this.

Perhaps you can understand this.

Sit down and shut up.

Anyone else have something to share?

Uh, yeah. Uh...

Wait. I have some very fine Kentucky bourbon here.

I'd like to share it with somebody who has some soda.

Obviously you're new.

You don't know about our agreement.

Getting ERK is not easy.

Sometimes these sessions last up to 15 hours

and during that time, there will be no eating.

Who cares?

No going to the bathroom.

Big deal.

No drinking.

Wait till you try to cash my check.

I have something that I would like to share.

ERK is not a process.

ERK is something that happens in space. In fact...

It may be space.

It's definitely not space.

Space is a continuum... An inf... wait.

Don't tell me.

"Sit down and shut up."

Yes, Mindy, you have an item?

My item is that I paid a lot of money

to come here and learn something.

Well, then you've learned

something important already, haven't you?

What?

You have been conned.

That's terrible.

"Terrible" is just a concept.

Oh, I get it.

Anything that you don't want

to talk about is just a concept.

No, not my Rolls-Royce.

That's real.

Why don't you go ahead and sit down, Mindy?

We've caught your act.

Well. Mr. Ellsworth,

I have another point of order.

Yeah, go right ahead.

Thank you, I think it's a biggie.

People don't come here for humiliation and abuse.

Every creature in the universe is entitled to respect.

Ridiculous.

Nobody wants to hear that message.

Sit down and shut up.

But you said to say what was on our mind.

Well, I've changed the rules.

But not before I get one more thing in.

I think you should be honest with yourself,

like yourself, trust yourself

and know yourself.

That's all you ever need to know.

Oh, Mork, that's beautiful.

Did Orson tell you that?

No, Leon Spinks.

Oh, there's one other thing I'd like to talk about...

This concept of not letting people go to the bathroom.

Well, I myself can't sit still for that and...

I think we should all take a rest break right now.

What do you think, everyone?

Yeah.

Take a rest break, everyone.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What about the agreement?

I think we just changed the rules.

All right.

All right, those people want to leave?

Those people who want to drop out, fine.

I'm still the winner.

I get to go home early.

I've got all your money...

and most importantly,

I've got my Rolls-Royce.

Thank you so much.

Well, he's cute.

My Rolls-Royce. My...

Is... Somebody has stolen my Rolls-Royce.

Well, don't worry, Ellsworth,

just losing your Rolls-Royce is a concept.

Getting it back is a reality.

Well, it's good-bye, apartment.

Fern, I love ya.

Phil, get rid of that dendron.

Sofie, you've been a great lie.

Take it easy, chair.

Good-bye, walls.

Good-bye, air.

Good-bye, little tiny dust particle.

Good-bye, electrons.

Good-bye, protons.

Good-bye, nucleus.

Mork, before you finish

saying your good-byes,

which at this rate could be some time

around mid-September,

I want to talk to you for a minute.

I've been doing some observing,

and I learned something last night at the meeting.

You don't practice what you preach.

Mayday. Sense of verbal confusion.

Well, at the meeting last night,

you talked about knowing yourself.

Well, let me tell you something.

You might not have had emotions

when you arrived here, but you've got them now.

I don't. Sit down and shut up.

Nobody could have said all those wonderful things

without feeling them.

And I figured something else out, too.

You're not leaving because of me.

You're leaving because of you.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

I'm not, I'm not.

You're the one who won't be able

to handle leaving if you stay much longer.

Me?

Yeah,

I don't want to go home.

It's cold out there.

Who else will let me do the things you do?

I'm gonna miss you.

I feel humiliation and guilt.

Oh, Mork, you don't have to feel guilty

about having emotions.

Oh, yeah. Orson said emotions are bad for you.

We'll never evolve if you have emotions.

Shh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Boy, is he a nimnull!

Where are you going?

I'm going upstairs to talk to Orson.

I'm not leaving.

You're not?

No way. Boy, having feelings is good.

I'm back, Jack.

Mork, calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork, calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork, calling Orson.

Come in, Orson. Taxi!

Orson speaking.

Well, are you ready to leave?

Oh, no, Your Immenseness.

I've decided to stay.

Mork, are you sure

you want to extend your Earth visit?

Oh, yes, Your Girthship.

I want to continue my observation of human emotions...

Especially guilt.

Emotions?

Does everyone have them?

Absolutely everyone.

Well, with the possible exception of a few presidents.

What are presidents?

Well, they're elected officials

who are sent to Washington every four years

to bring the country to financial ruin,

recognize Chinese and throw a baseball out

once every spring.

Is that all?

Well, I've also observed

that they never tell a lie,

but then again, they never tell the truth.

It's something called politics.

And they also have a power that's feared

very much by everyone called "veto."

What's that?

I'm not sure, but I think it's an Italian bodyguard.

Sounds dull.

Oh, no, sir.

The big bucks comes when

you get to be an ex-president.

Then publishers pay you millions of dollars

to write things called memoirs, but the strange part is...

They don't have very good memories,

and the really funny part is... No one buys those books.

Well, that's all she wrote, Your Fatship,

Catch you next week.

Nanu-nanu.