Original subtitles

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Oh, I love a good wedding.

You know, it's always such a happy occasion.

Not for that poor sucker in the white dress.

You mean the bride?

I couldn't tell.

They had that net over her head.

What a really vicious tribal custom, you know?

I knew they had it in for her

when she tried to make her getaway down the aisle,

and they had that midget holding her back by the dress.

And I knew it was really over for her

when that guy dragged her out front

to meet that vicious mob.

What vicious mob?

Well, the one that was pelting her

with little white pebbles.

No wonder married women get so many headaches.

Mork, those people weren't throwing little white pebbles.

They were throwing rice, and it's what earthlings do

to wish the newly married couple good luck.

It wasn't good luck for those people

whose feet they stole and tied to the back of that car.

Those were old shoes,

and they symbolize the hope for prosperity.

Just like the cans that are tied on the back.

They tie their cans back there, too?

Well, it's kind of late for somebody to drop by.

Will you see who it is?

Who is it?

Eugene.

It's Eugene.

You know, you really amaze me.

And myself, too.

Eugene, what are you doing here so late?

I'm running away from home.

Your home's chasing you?

It must be a mobile home.

Well, why are you running away?

Because of my mother.

She acts like she owns me.

I'll give you some money.

You can make a down payment and buy yourself back.

Mothers don't care about money.

All they care about is power.

Hang up your clothes.

Eat your vegetables.

Brush your teeth.

Take a bath.

I always thought mothers were nice people, too.

Not mine.

Anyway, I just wanted to say good-bye.

I'm gonna miss you, my main munchkin.

There's some tears gonna well up in my eyes.

I feel a severe moisture right now.

Eugene,

do you really think that running away is the answer?

I just can't stand anymore.

Tonight she yelled at me for spitting out my liver.

Spitting out your liver... That could kill you!

Eugene, those organs were put there

for a purpose.

It was calves' liver.

Oh. Dopey me.

Then there's the milk hassle.

She makes me finish every last drop.

Well, that's because milk is good for you.

Ah, but it's still hard to drink

once you know where it comes from.

Eugene, in a couple of days,

you're gonna look back on this whole thing,

and you're gonna laugh about it.

No way.

This has been building up since I was three.

Maybe longer.

I can't remember before that.

She didn't

even like my Mother's Day present,

and I saved a long time to buy that snake.

I didn't realize children were so persecuted.

Well,

so long, Mork.

What it was, Plasma.

Mindy.

Eugene, I hate to tell you,

but as bad as you think you have it at home,

you're no worse off than any other kids your age.

Now look, I happen to know your mother,

and I know that she's a nice, sweet

and fair person.

So, she got to you, didn't she?

Look, and your parents are probably worried

to death by now, so I'm gonna take you home

for your own good.

Why doesn't anyone take me to Disneyland

for my own good?

Come on.

No, no.

You're not gonna take him back to that tyrant!

I grant him parental asylum.

Hell, no, we won't go!

Hell, no, we won't go!

Hell, no...

Come on.

Come on, you guys, what is the worst thing could happen?

She could strap me to my chair

and make me eat broccoli.

Broccoli! Aah!

Broccoli's despised throughout the universe.

When was the last time you ate broccoli?

Well, when I was three bleams old.

And I still haven't swallowed it.

So, Eugene's parents weren't upset?

Not at all.

They had a feeling that he was with us.

He left a note saying

to forward his allowance to my house.

Oh.

Kids do some crazy things sometimes.

Ah, yeah, well, that hardly comes as a shock

to the father of an ex-four-year-old

who once tried to defect.

I...? No.

Oh, yes, yes.

You got very mad at me one day when I hollered at you

for drying the dishes with the cat.

Then you went up to your room, and you got your pillow

and your teddy bear and your pinecone collection.

You announced you were running away from home.

Where did I go?

Uh, nowhere. There were no volunteers

when you asked who was gonna drive you.

Mindy.

Hi.

Carbonation.

Carbonation?

Well, you told me never to call you Pops again.

Mork, you're a gas.

Hello.

So, what have you been doing this morning?

Well, I was making observations of your primitive planet.

You know, I'm really impressed

with how your police deal with tension here

by throwing parties for their citizens.

I saw this one policeman who had stopped a guy

and was teaching him how to dance

by touching his nose and going, "Come on, now, can you do it?"

When he did that, well, they gave him a present

and gave him a chance to blow up a balloon,

then he gave him a massage

and gave him a free ride in his car.

I was so impressed, I jumped out of the crowd

that was watching and said, "Police hospitality!

Police hospitality!"

Well, that's it for today, dear.

For a first lesson,

you did very well, Holly.

Before long, you and the piano will be the best of friends.

I'm not ready for that kind of relationship, Mrs. Hudson.

Oh.

Well, I'll go in back and pick out some practice books

for you if you'll wait here.

I'm young.

I have time.

Hello. I'm Donny Osmond.

All right, I'll tell the truth.

My name is Mork. Nanu-nanu.

Are you a stranger?

Well, depends on where I am, actually.

Then I'm not supposed to talk to you.

It's for my own good.

Holly, I think you can talk to Mork.

He's a good friend of Mrs. Hudson's and mine.

He's okay.

So, what brings you here, little cherub?

Well, my mother said I should take piano lessons

because I'd be glad to know how to play when I was 20.

So, how'd your lesson go?

I'd better not die when I'm 19.

Hostility rating: 104.9.

Are you angry at your mother, too?

Let's just say, she owes me.

Come along, Holly, dear,

and I'll show you

what I want you to practice.

What a cute little girl.

Oh, she's lucky.

I never got to practice piano when I was a kid.

They could never fit it in the test tube.

Oh...

Eugene!

What's action, fraction?

Let it slide, Clyde.

Get down, now, get back up again.

Oh, I guess you're not buying that honky jive today, eh?

What's wrong? Trouble at home?

You still have broccoli written all over your face.

You know, my cousin's really lucky.

He's married and doesn't have

to get washed every night.

Boy, marriage is the only way to go.

Hey, who's that?

Well, that's Holly.

Her mother's down on her, too.

Sure is a doll.

An android, maybe, but not a doll.

No, that's not what I meant.

A cute chick, a fox, you know?

Oh! Real hot stuff!

Oh, a fox.

Okay, Eugene, it's time for your lesson.

Why are you doing that?

Oh, Eugene said you're hot stuff.

Actually, you're only 98.4.

Mork!

Did you really say that?

Uh, not to the best of my recollection.

Oh, come on, plasma, you're stonewalling now.

Actually, he said that.

He called you more than that.

He said you were a fox, a doll and cute poultry.

You're weird!

Whoa.

The Princess almost decked you.

Why did she do that?

I think she likes me.

Oh, you'd better be careful she doesn't like you too much.

You'll be carrying your teeth around in a bag.

Mindy, you can do it! Fly!

It's all right!

I know you can!

Newton was wrong.

Do it like Tinkerbell does...

Go for it, girl, go for it!

What are you... what are you doing?

I was just trying to help you lift off.

What you have to really do is shave your head

to reduce the friction. Come on!

Let's try it again. There we go!

Put me down!

Oh, there's no place like home.

Mork, I wasn't trying to fly.

I'm late for a luncheon, and I've got to meet Sally,

and I'm trying to dry my nails.

Oh, that's easy. Here, let me show you.

Just have to wipe them off like this.

This wipes this stuff right off there.

Whoa. Here we go.

Whoa.

Thanks.

Well, what are friends for?

Whoa.

You know, Mindy, you've got

to wash your hands a little bit more often.

Mindy,

there's one thing I don't understand.

Boy, you could've fooled me.

Well, Eugene told me he liked Holly,

but he didn't tell her.

Well, you see, Mork, some people are shy.

They might like someone, but oftentimes

they can't express their feelings

because they're afraid the other person

might not like them. Oh.

Then why did Eugene think Holly liked him

when she punched him and told him he was weird?

Oh, well, boys and girls often punch or push

or hit each other as a way of getting close.

Punching and hitting and calling

someone names means you like them?

Yeah, it can.

Then the Rams and the Cowboys are lovers?

I'll get that.

Might be Avon.

Oh, hi.

Mork, I got to talk to you.

What's wrong, Jackson?

Can we be alone?

That's impossible. There're two of us.

I just don't want M-I-D-N-Y to hear.

Well, listen, good old Midny can take a hint.

Uh, if your conversation's so private,

why don't you have it up in the attic?

That's really appreciative of you.

Have a good night, Bird Legs.

Bird Legs?

I'm really into affection.

See you later, burro breath.

So, this is your pad?

No, no, this is my room.

This is my pad over here.

Look at this. It's really amazing, too.

If you move it real fast, it looks like blank pages.

I don't know how you keep it so neat.

Well, tidiness is my life.

Well, I'm ready.

What is your question you want to ask me?

I'm waiting with a worm on my tongue.

What?

Baited breath.

Oh.

Mork, I think Holly and I are in love.

Oh, this sounds serious, plasma.

We'd better sit down and analyze this.

Beep.

So, what are the early warning signals?

Well, she called me piano mouth...

Piano mouth.

Bozo brain...

Bozo brain.

And something I have only seen once

on the bathroom wall.

Sounds like the real thing.

We have so much in common.

We both can't stand milk, liver,

baths, broccoli and mothers.

Her mom made her get rid of her pet goldfish.

Oh, sounds serious.

Did she take it back to the store?

They wouldn't take it.

It's been dead for a week.

Oh. That's really a pity,

because they're easier to train that way.

Only if Holly and I could run away together,

our problems would be solved.

Well, you tried that once before, and it didn't work.

I didn't go far enough.

This time, I'd go on a ship, so the captain would marry us.

And then our parents couldn't bug us anymore.

A captain of a ship can marry people?

I saw it in a movie once.

I see. I came here in a ship.

I was the only person on that ship.

Ipso facto, then I'm a captain.

Hey, that's great!

Would you marry Holly and me?

Sure, no big deal!

Come up here tomorrow afternoon

after school, and it's yours.

Right on! Sam, blam, Sam, blam!

By the way, you'd better not tell anyone

we're getting married.

Eugene, are you sure you're doing the right thing?

I thought people here only get married

when they want to have children.

We don't need them, we are children.

Makes sense, my man!

Ha, ha.

Boy, am I a dummy!

Good-bye.

Hello.

Hi.

What have you been doing all morning?

Well, I was down at the library.

Eugene said that was the place to go

if you want to learn everything you want to know about weddings,

and I was there all morning

and no one got married, so I came back.

Oh.

Why the sudden interest in weddings?

Well, who knows?

Maybe I'm the marrying kind.

Irrepressible delight at ambiguous response.

Did I hear you say

that you would like to get married?

Oh, no, I was just whacking around the bush.

What I'd really like to know

is more about weddings.

Can you help me?

Shoot.

You don't need to swear.

Maybe I'll ask somebody else if you're really bummed out.

No, no, no, I mean, what would you like to know?

Well, first of all,

the female who wears the net over her head,

why does she wear white?

Well, the bride wears white

to symbolize her innocence and purity.

Innocence and purity.

Yes, and that explains why the groom wears black.

Well, at the wedding I was at,

there was a woman who sat in the front row and went,

"My baby! My baby!

I'm losing my baby! She's leaving me!"

Does she have an important job?

Yes. That, uh, that's the bride's mother.

Oh.

The bride's mother has a very important job, Mork.

She and her husband pay for the whole wedding.

Oh, no wonder she was crying.

No, actually, she helps out a lot

before the wedding, too.

She helps the bride pick out her bride's dress

and get a blood test and,

and sometimes even pick out the license.

Mmm. About the only thing the mother doesn't do

is give the bride a shower.

The bride's friends do that.

Oh. Let me see.

You've given me a lot of information here.

Let's see, first of all, they take a wedding test,

then take license with each other,

and finally they jump in the shower with the bride

and hose her down.

Oh, go find Telly Savalas.

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just about to tease my hair.

♪ Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah ♪

♪ Nyah-nyah-nyah nyah-nyah-nyah. ♪

Mork... Mork, I just don't know

if I'm ready to get married.

Oh, you can't go back now, plasma.

Remember the calves' liver,

the broccoli, the dead goldfish.

Now, we've got to sit down

and have a man- to-munchkin talk.

Do you think there's a race problem?

Oh, no, you can outrun her easy.

Well, here are your wedding duds.

Thanks, but you didn't have to do that.

Hey, I'm a generous kind of guy.

Oh, here's your bride-to-be.

You go get changed in the guest room,

and I'll let you... I'll let you know when the time's right.

Inside here.

Bam, bam, bam, blam, uh-uh.

I'm coming!

Ha-ha, Princess of the Munchkins!

Are you ready to be joined in holy headlock?

Anything's better than practicing piano.

Mindy said first of all, you need to pass a blood test.

Well... I got a tooth pulled last week,

and there was some blood.

Oh, you pass; let's go.

All right, here's your wedding kit.

Inside is one genuine wedding gown

designed by Mr. Mork of Boulder, Colorado.

And also, what wedding

is complete without a license?

All right, Eugene

is changing in the guest room.

Now, you go change in Mindy's room,

and when you hear the music, come on up.

Okay.

By the way, have you had a shower today?

No,

but the dog licked my face.

Close enough.

You may begin, Carl.

Thank you, Otto.

Hold it! You ran out of carpet.

Hey, I like your suit.

Well, it's my captain's uniform.

Let's get it in gear.

I have to study for a test.

Oh.

I realize you're a little nervous,

but let's all try and stay calm and collected like myself.

Sorry.

Do you take this three-headed slimy thing to be your...

Sorry, wrong galaxy.

Here we go.

You may now join tentacles.

Oop, that's Ursa Minor.

Here we go.

Oh, that's Pluto. Sorry.

You kids will be able

to honeymoon anywhere in the universe after this.

Here it is... here's Earth.

Buga, bugala mala may! Bugala mala bay...

Wrong continent.

Oh, my baby, my baby!

I heard they had to get married.

Mork, I'm not knocking your ceremony,

but we wrote our own vows,

and we'd like you to read them.

As written.

Oh.

Oh, that's nice.

Do you, Eugene, take Holly

to be the princess of your dreams

and not make her take baths, piano lessons,

or eat everything on her plate before getting dessert?

I do.

Do you, Holly, take Eugene

to be your main man and principal squeeze...

and to allow him to wipe his mouth

on his sleeve, eat lots of cookies and candy

and pick the celery out of his tuna salad,

and learn about life by watching Three's Company?

I do if he does.

He did, the energy's right,

the time is here and the gestalt is now.

The ring, please.

I forgot it!

That's all right; I'll pop for the ring.

Here you go.

Oh, the can's mine.

I now pronounce you man and wife

by the power invested in me

by the egg in which I came.

But first, step on the can.

Matzoh bread!

You may now kiss the bride.

Kiss?! Yuck!

No way. No way.

Guess I'll have to take some wedding pictures instead.

Watch the flookie!

You're now man and wife, yay-ay-ay!

Yay-ay-ay!

Mindy. Hi.

Oh, heavy vibes; what's wrong?

Mork, Eugene and Holly didn't show up

for their music lessons today,

and nobody knows where they are.

What are you doing in your space suit?

Oh, it's my captain's uniform.

And you don't have to worry about the kids

because they're having the best afternoon of their lives.

I married them this afternoon.

You what?!

You don't have to worry.

It's legal because I'm a captain of a ship.

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

I didn't believe what I was hearing when they told me

about the persecution from their mothers.

That's why I did it... To set them free

so they can build a new world where everything will be funny.

Mork, where are they now?

Well, they're upstairs.

But don't disturb them

'cause they're having

the most wonderful time of their lives.

They're doing everything they couldn't do before.

They're talking with their mouths full,

staying up late

and eating all the little junk food

that their little married hearts can hold.

Mork, you shouldn't have done that.

Why not?

Well, first of all,

they're not old enough to be married.

It's illegal.

You have to be a certain age to get married?

Of course.

Shazbot! That was the one question I never asked.

I bet not many ten-year- olds voted for that law.

That's what we've got to fight for now

because these kids are being persecuted.

They're not being persecuted.

But they told me it was...

I don't care what they told you.

They're not being persecuted.

They're being taught, Mork.

They're being taught things like don't play with matches,

and, and eat only foods that are good for you.

Things that are going to help them grow up.

Oh, I see... things like don't sit on a sprinkler or...

don't kiss a moody rhinoceros on the lips.

Yeah, sort of.

See, Mork, kids don't always know what's good for them.

Oh, my stomach.

I must have eaten too much candy.

I must have 36 Musketeers in my stomach.

No offense, Holly, but marriage makes me sick.

Hey, you guys, why don't you go down

and wait for me in the Jeep

and I'll take you home, okay?

I'll see you in a minute.

Okay.

I'll see you later, Mork.

Thanks for everything.

See, Mork, their own parents

never would have let that happen.

Oh, I see.

Parents teach children lots of valuable lessons,

like never pet a porcupine.

Never put out a campfire with your face.

Never sit down with a pocket full of caterpillars.

Ay. Um...

Never go skinny-dipping in a pool full of piranhas.

Oh, never get out of a closed window.

Never spit into a tornado!

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in Orson.

What is your report about this week, Mork?

Oh, it's about a wonderful Earth custom called marriage.

Marriage... what's that?

Well, it a ceremony a man and a woman go through

when they love each other very much

and they want to have children.

Why do they want to have children?

Well, so they can make them do all sorts of things

that children will hate.

So they can grow up to be better people or even adults.

Don't the children resent that?

Well, some of the children feel

they're being treated unfairly,

and I've even heard some say they hate their mothers.

And one, named Lizzie Borden, took it a little too far.

Earth mothers must be really mean.

As an Orkan, Your Immenseness, I have my own opinion.

I'd like to share it with you briefly for a moment.

The only thing worse than a mother

is not having one at all.

Oh, Mork, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

Lay it on me, Your Circumference.

Remember that broccoli you ate

when you were three bleems old?

Did you ever swallow it?

Oh, yes, sire, it's all gone now.

Good. Good night, Mork.

Good night, Your Eclipse.

Na... Nanu-nanu.