Original subtitles

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Come in.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha. ♪

Hi, honey.

Hello, darling.

No, not you, her.

Hi. Oh.

What'cha doing?

I'm restringing a guitar.

How about you? Oh...

Mindy and I are going nit-picking.

Uh, don't you mean "picnicking"?

Oh, now you're nit-picking.

Anyway, we thought we'd go up to Boulder Lake

and have a picnic. Ahh.

I've got ham sandwiches

and hot chocolate in there.

Yeah, and I see Mork has the blanket

and the, uh, pepper?

No, ants.

Mindy said no picnic is complete without them.

Those ants are revolting.

No, they're happy with their form of government.

You see, the little suckers are just dancing.

Anyway, we stopped by

because we want you and Grandma to come with us.

I've got plenty of food.

And plenty of ants.

Well, honey, I'd love to go,

but your grandmother isn't feeling too well.

Oh, what's wrong?

Well, you remember her friend Barney?

Oh, yeah, he's the one she plays gin rummy with.

Was. He passed away Friday night,

and Cora's taking it very hard.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, especially since Barney

was four years younger than Cora.

Mrs. Hudson, want to buy a guitar?

No strings attached.

No, thank you, Mork.

I'm just looking for my glasses.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

Whoa, you're right.

I don't think I've ever seen her this depressed.

She's just not herself.

For three days now she hasn't even called me a wiener.

Why is Mrs. Hudson so sad?

Well, it's probably because she's lonely, Mork.

She just doesn't have too many friends her own age.

Oh, on my planet, the elders have all the friends they want.

Well, here it's a little bit different.

Lots of people, especially the young ones,

ignore their elders.

But they're the ones with all the knowledge and experience.

On Ork, they're always being surrounded by young people.

Oh, we have the same thing in our big cities...

It's called mugging.

It's just not easy being old.

Oh.

Mrs. Hudson seems so lonely, I'd like to do something to help.

What does she want to do, and I'll do it with her?

Oh, that's really sweet, Mork,

but see the problem is that she needs somebody

her own age.

Look, why don't you two kids go have your picnic.

I'll restring Cora's guitar

and maybe that'll make her feel better.

All right.

Well, listen, Dad, I'll call after we're done

just to see how Grandma's doing.

Okay. I'm sure that'll cheer her up.

Okay. Bye.

Bye, Grandma.

Hey, they ran away.

Ants. Ants.

Ants! He said he didn't like them.

Look, he's dancing with them.

Well, I'm going to go in the back

and see if I can cheer Grandma up.

If anybody comes in, uh, just yell.

You said, yell.

You okay, Mork?

Certainly, my main munchkin.

What's action, plasma?

Eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh.

Eeh, eeh.

Eugene, I...

Eugene, I want to ask you a question.

Sure.

That's one of the things I like about you.

Everyone else

is always telling me stuff,

you're the only one who asks me anything.

What's happening?

What do old people do for fun?

Well, my mother's pretty old, she's 31...

and she likes watching soap operas on TV.

No, no, I mean a lot older, like Mrs. Hudson.

Oh, you mean over 40.

I don't think they have any fun.

Why?

I don't know, maybe it's a law.

What do they do then?

They hang out by the parks and the museums.

What makes those places so special?

They're free.

Ah.

What do they do at the park?

They feed the pigeons.

Hey, I got to go in for my lesson.

Thanks for the information, my man.

Any time. What it was.

What it shall be.

One day. Yeah.

Hey, good lookin'.

Oh, Mindy's not in.

Who's Mindy?

I'm talking to you, brown eyes.

Oh.

Oh, why, what can I do to help you?

Oh, you can walk up and down my back in a flimsy kimono.

Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba!

Oh, why I don't even know your name.

And besides, my kimono's at the cleaners.

Oh, shazbot.

But maybe you can show me something

in an Ethiopian lip whistle.

A harmonica.

Oh, certainly.

Follow me.

Oh!

Whoa.

Must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that.

Oh, uh, what key would you like it in?

"Q."

Oh, we don't have it in the key of "Q."

Well, then, you pick one you like.

Uh, let's see, uh...

Uh, how about the key of "C"?

How about dinner?

Oh.

Well, uh,

no, I'm having Moo Goo spaghetti.

Or whatever.

Well, you see, I'm pre-indisposed.

Oh, cara mia,

you're beautiful when you're tongue-tied.

Do you, uh, do you know "Lady of Spain"?

Oh, is the Pope Polish?

Now that will be $5.29.

Oh.

$5.29.

Thank you.

Boy, I can remember when these things used to be...

I forget.

Would you like to have that wrapped?

Oh, no thanks, I'll play it here.

Oh.

How about you and me blow this Popsicle stand?

Where are you going?

To the museum.

I've never been to the museum.

Oh, come along, sweet pea.

We can't keep those statues waiting.

This time of year the fig leaves begin to fall.

♪ Oh, we'd make a peach of a pair, oh ♪

♪ I know you cantaloupe, but oh, honeydew. ♪

Oh, wait a minute.

Why, I don't even know your name.

Uh, hah, ah, that's a good question.

Um...

Hohner.

Bill C. Hohner.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Hohner?

My friends just call me "Marine Man."

On the way to the museum,

we'll stop by this wonderful delicatessen

and pick up some munchettoes.

Oh, wonderful.

I'm starving.

Oh, not for us.

For the pigeons.

Ah, Mindy, our little girl is growing up.

Yes, soon she'll be leaving the nest.

Really, you two are impossible.

Oh, us?

You're the one that's been taking

the long lunch hours.

Yes, and I'd hate for your granddaughter to find out

how late you've been rolling in these past two nights.

Now, the museum closes at 9:00,

and I've been home by 10:00, haven't I?

Yes, but the museum is only four blocks away.

I want to know what you've been doing

between 9:00 and 10:00, hmm?

Well, we're not exactly spring chickens, you know.

We don't just skip along the sidewalk.

Why are you being so secretive about all this?

Well, I think a person

should keep one's personal life personal.

Oh.

Who's the one that always wants to know

every last detail when I go on a date, hmm?

Right. Turnabout is fair play,

so tell us everything.

Yeah.

Well,

so far, we have gone to the museum.

And...? Uh-huh?

And to the park, to feed the pigeons.

And what else have you been doing?

Dad, she doesn't have to answer that question.

Oh, that's all right, dear, I'll answer him.

None of your business, Fredzo.

Isn't that nice, she's back to normal.

Even if she is hiding something.

Well, I think it's wonderful.

You know, Grandma,

you've been like a new woman these last few days.

Really? Oh, absolutely.

And Mindy and I are dying

to meet the man who's responsible.

Well, it just so happens he's coming to take me to lunch.

Lunch?

Good grief, my chicken potpie.

You know, now I might not know

what I'm talking about, but listen to your heart.

You know, sometimes when you listen to your head,

logic gets in the way of things.

You're right...

You don't know what you're talking about.

I know I'm meddling,

but I just want what's right for you and Bill.

Oh, everything's fine dear.

Only there's something about him.

Oh, I know, I know.

I feel the same way about John Travolta.

No. No dear, what I mean is,

there's something kind of, well, familiar about him.

Oh, that's probably Bill now.

I'll go get my coat.

Okay.

Oh, you must be Bill.

I'm Mindy, Cora's granddaughter.

Oh, charmed.

Oh.

Oh, Dad, this is Bill.

Take a hike.

Just kidding.

You know something?

You've made my mother-in-law very happy.

Oh, yes, she's like a kid again,

and we really want to thank you for that.

Oh, since I've made you both so happy,

and you don't mind what's happening between Cora and me,

I want to share with you a little secret.

Nanu-nanu.

Where did you hear that?

On Ork, I'm known as Mork.

I'm ready, Bill.

Did-did you have a nice chat?

Oh, yeah.

And I hope that-that Bill and I

get a chance to chat again.

Real soon.

Uh-oh.

Looks like I'm up the big creek without locomotion.

Hold it right there, Casanova.

Casanova?

I've heard of supernova,

Chevy Nova, bossa nova...

And you're not going to get out of this one by acting dumb.

But I wasn't acting.

Mrs. Hudson and I had a wonderful time today.

We started off

by escorting a Boy Scout across the street.

We had to drag him away from his mother to do it.

Then we played chicken with kids on skate boards.

Finally, we inched our way up Main Street.

Backed up traffic all the way to Utah.

We were real scamps.

Mork, how could you do such a thing?

Oh, change my age?

With my Orkan age machine.

I set the controls for senile, subtract two.

I'm not talking about the mechanics

of what you did.

I want to know

why you did such a horrible thing to Grandma.

How could it be horrible when it makes her so happy?

She's only happy

because she thinks that you are an old man.

But when I use my age machine, I am an old man.

You're being unfair to my grandmother.

How could it be unfair?

She was sad, I made her happy.

Therefore, how can you call it unfair?

What if she falls in love with you?

Now, you certainly aren't going

to marry her, and that might break her heart.

Don't you see,

you could be doing more harm than good?

Uh-oh.

Sudden realization.

Mork the Good is suddenly Mork the Bozo.

Better call a travel agent and book a heavy guilt trip.

How could I do such a dumb thing?

Oh, Mork,

your intentions were good.

Yeah, but there's a saying on Ork.

"The road to Earth is paved with good intentions."

I'm a real nimnul.

To my face!

But how can I solve the problem, though?

Mrs. Hudson and I have a date tomorrow night.

I guess you're just going to have to break up.

I'm already pretty broken up right now.

No. I mean,

you're going to have to tell her

that you're not going to see her anymore.

Oh boy, and is that going to be hard.

I think she really likes that old man.

Eugene...

I thought you'd never get here.

What's up, Mork?

I need to ask your advice again.

I'll do the best I can,

but you got to understand, I have my limitations.

I'm only ten years old.

You're the only one I can ask.

What about Dear Abby?

She knows everything.

I've read her advice, and how can you trust a woman

who begins her letters, "Dear Puzzled?"

Okay, lay it on me.

All right.

Let's say someone likes you very much,

and you want to end the relationship?

How do you do it?

Tell them to take a hike.

Oh. Effective, but cruel.

How do you do it if you don't want

to hurt their feelings?

Mork, there must be 50 ways to leave your lover.

But I only need seven or eight.

Lay it on me, my main munchkin.

Well, one is, you slip out the back, Jack.

All right.

"Slip back, Jack."

Make a new plan, Stan.

Uh... plan, Stan.

Just drop off the key, Lee.

Key Lee? Oh, Chinese wisdom.

And get yourself free.

Munchkin, you are wise beyond your height.

Well, one thing you got to remember:

Don't let those chicks railroad you into anything.

Yes.

Funny planet, where chickens run the railroad.

Boy, I certainly hope Mork can bring this off.

Oh, I know he can do it.

I just hope he doesn't break Grandma's heart.

Mmm, Bill isn't here yet.

No.

Well, you look very nice tonight, Cora.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, your hair looks so pretty.

Uh, I just washed it.

Oh, that must be Bill.

I-I'll get that. Ah.

Oh, hello.

Guacamole, Señorita.

Uh, none for you until you pluck your hand.

Oh, hello, Bill.

Oh, sweet one.

You better make this good.

No pressure.

Um, well, I, uh, guess

I'll go, uh, practice

my trombone solo.

I'll help.

Yeah. Here, Bill, come on, sit down.

Oh.

Oh, aren't those lovely!

Thank you.

Um...

Uh, Bill...

There's something I want to... There's something I have to s...

Psychic.

Yes, age before beauty.

No, no. Pearls before swine.

Oh, go ahead.

Oh. Kay-o.

Cora, there's something I have to say to you,

and I'll try and make it

as quick and painless as possible.

The-The painless is easy.

At my age, the quick is the hard part.

Mm.

Cora, after

careful consideration,

I've decided to slip out my back, Jackson.

Which is to say,

I'm going to make a new plan, Chuck.

Which includes dropping off the key.

In summation, I'm going to get myself free.

What I'm trying to say, Cora, is,

this is hello.

I-I haven't understood a word you just said.

I should have asked him for the other 46 ways.

Never mind.

Come and sit down, because it's my turn to talk.

Oh.

Now, first of all,

I want to thank you

for helping me through a very rough time.

Oh, rough time? About...

8:10.

Oh.

And the other thing I want to tell you is,

I know who you are, Mork.

Shazbot!

How did you find me out?

Oh, come on.

If you were really old,

the kay-o would have been followed by a pectate.

I'm-I'm a real nimnul then.

Oh no, you're not.

You're wonderful.

I really began to suspect that day we went to the museum.

Remember that piece of art work that you liked?

Oh, yes. That lovely metallic sculpture.

Mm-hmm.

That was an air conditioner.

Oh.

And then last night when we were lost,

you asked directions from a pine tree.

Oh. He got us there, didn't he?

But only Mork could do those things.

Oh.

Well, I-I guess you don't like me anymore.

Oh, well, how can you say that?

Of course I like you.

Why, I-I like you more than ever.

Don't you realize you...

you snapped me out of a blue funk?

You've made me realize that I-I have a family

that-that cares about me, and...

and a good job, and-and lots

of friends of all ages.

I'll always be your friend, Mrs. Hudson.

Why don't you call me Grandma?

Kay-o, and hold the pectate.

But you know, there's one thing that still bothers me.

Last night

when I tweaked your cheek, I did it

to see if you were wearing makeup.

And you weren't.

It's as if you really have become an old man.

Temporarily, I am.

Oh, no, no.

There's no way on Earth you could do that.

You're beginning to get the idea.

Cora, there's something I have to tell you,

and you better take this one sitting down.

Okay. Oh!

Cora, I have to tell you something

'cause I respect you,

'cause you're getting too close to hide it anymore.

I'm from another planet.

I'm an alien being.

Nanu.

Do you want to hear something weird?

Lay it on me.

I believe you.

Aha!

Oh. Why, I should have known

when you... when you carved our initials

on that tree with-with your finger.

I can drink with the sucker, too!

Oh, what a relief.

You know, ever since you moved in with Mindy,

I was seeing things that,

well, made me think my mind was going.

But now, well, of course,

it's so simple.

A man from outer space.

You accept it so easily.

Most people just look at me and say, "Bull!"

Oh, Mork, I've been around a long time.

I've seen the age of the automobile

and radio and talking movies,

and I've seen a man walk on the moon.

Me, too.

Well, if we can go there,

there's no reason you can't come here.

Then I can return back to my normal age,

and you'll still be my friend?

Oh, of course.

Let's shake.

But there's one other thing, Mork.

If you can make yourself old,

could you make another person young?

No.

Shazbot!

Mork calling Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Ziz, bah, ziz, bah, ziz, bah...

What are you doing?

Push-downs.

It's a common form of Earth exercise.

Here's another one.

We must, we must, we must build up the bust.

Why this sudden interest in exercise?

Well, I aged myself. I'm still a little stiff.

You aged yourself?

That's a cheap way to get respect.

Oh, it's different here, Orson.

Here the young people get all the attention.

What do young people know?

They don't have the experience.

That doesn't make sense.

Oh. I don't understand it myself.

Everything else here gets more valuable as it gets older...

Wine, cheese, furniture, coins.

Everything except people.

Here they ignore their ancient ones, Orson.

They don't do anything nice for them?

Well, they do one nice thing.

They fix their income.

But why do they treat their elders like that?

Unlike us, as they get older,

their bodies fall into a state of disrepair.

The first thing to go is their hearing.

What?

The first thing to go is their hearing.

Why is that, Mork?

Well, I have a theory about that.

I feel it's because no one asks them anything.

Such a waste.

This is Mork, signing off until next week.

Nanu-nanu.