Original subtitles

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Babalu, Mindy.

Hi, Mork.

Boy, am I glad you're home.

Could you do me a little favor?

Of course.

Uh, would you put away your space suit?

Oh, sure.

Ah, space suit, good to see you.

Ah.

Oh, of course I miss you.

Yes, yes.

You see, I have to wear Earth clothing

now that I'm here on Earth.

It's true.

Mork, you talk to your space suit?

Of course. It spoke first.

I'd be rude not to reply.

But you're treating it like it's alive.

It is.

It's made up of billions of tiny living cells.

Whew!

If you call that living.

I'm sorry... you know it's true.

You smell bad.

You see, you earthlings are in a primitive state,

but you'll realize that life exists in many forms

throughout the universe when you gain higher intelligence

and more sophistication.

Time for dodo num-nums, okay?

What?

No, I can't tell you a story tonight,

so you just hang in there.

Ne-ne.

I know it's probably my fault.

Spare the rod and spoil the suit.

Oh, how'd your observation of traffic go today?

Oh, not very well.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Got me.

I had to go to a movie instead.

Oh, you did? What'd you see?

Oh, it was a love story called Here Comes the Fleet.

Oh, yeah, I love that one.

I'd like to see that one again.

So would I.

I have several questions I'd like

to ask you about it, if you don't mind.

Oh, go ahead.

All right.

You remember Biff and Margie?

Sure. You remember when they first met,

they had this horrible fight, and then the very next scene,

they were together on a date again. Why?

Because they were falling in love.

Oh, I see.

Ah, sucker's hot.

But there's one small thing I don't understand.

Hmm? What is this thing called "love"?

You don't know?

I know it's an emotion, but we abolished emotions

on Ork a billion bleems ago.

They took a vote, and everyone said,

"All in favor?"

Well, Mork, if you want to be an earthling,

you're just going to have to experience love.

Oh. Oh!

Does this love lead to... mating?

Yes.

Oh, good, because I've been wanting to try that.

When can we start?

When can we start?

Oh, wow. Déjà vu.

Yes, you see, we can have a mating,

and I can send back a report to Orson

complete with slides, video demonstrations...

Oh... Oh.

See, see, Mork, it doesn't quite work like that.

See, um... mating...

I mean, love...

When a man and a woman really care about each other, then...

Mindy, my suit needs me.

I'll be right back. Sure.

We'll discuss this love another time.

Fine with me.

Your suit really got me off the hook.

Oh, humor.

What is it?

Why didn't you think about this before you went to bed?

I'd give them money if they'd just learn another song.

Cora, well, it does my heart good

to see you tending to my inspired little window display.

Has she attracted many customers yet today?

Customers, no.

Dust, yes.

And I'll tell you another thing, Fredzo.

I'm getting a little tired

of picking dead flies out of her wig.

Have your little joke, Cora.

Nothing you can say or do is going to upset me today.

Life is wonderful, life is sweet,

and I am thrilled to be alive.

Cool it. You're bringing me down.

Well, if that's your attitude,

I'm going to bring you down some more.

Cora...

what could I have that would say,

"Here is a man who is a success"?

A sign saying, "Here is a man who is a success."

Wrong.

Driving a brand-new Cadillac.

That says a man is a success.

Mm, well, it doesn't say much for you.

You drive a '69 compact.

Not after today.

I have scrimped, and I have saved,

but it was worth it.

I've got $2,300 in here,

and that gives me just enough to swing the deal.

Here, look. Isn't it a beauty?

Now, why do you need a car three blocks long

when you only live a block and a half away?

Well, I don't need the car to drive to work.

I need the car to drive to my high school class reunion

this Saturday night,

and that's 53 miles from here.

I thought you hated high school.

Oh, no, no, no, I didn't hate high school.

I hated Forrest Collins.

Why?

Because he was big,

because he was a bully,

and because he said I'd never amount to anything.

You know it's strange, but Elizabeth never told me

any of this.

Well, because I never told her.

In fact, I never told anybody about it until now.

But look, that's behind me.

I've saved my money, and I'm getting my Cadillac,

and there is nothing that anybody can say

that can stand in the way of my happiness.

Hello, Daddy!

Except that.

"Daddy."

Hello, Mork. Come in.

Hello, Mrs. Hudson.

Where's Mindy?

Well, she's out on an errand,

but she should be back soon.

Oh, a wingless hibenginie.

I thought they were extinct.

Guess they are. Stiff city.

Yes.

Mrs. Hudson. Hmm?

May I ask you something very personal? Shoot.

How do you know when you meet the person

you'll fall in love with?

Oh, Mork, I promise you,

when you meet the right one, you'll know it.

And you knew the minute you met Mr. Hudson?

Oh, yes.

It took 15 years for us to realize

it was love at first sight.

Now, you're going to need these

while you're waiting for Mindy.

Oh, good, snacks.

No, no. No.

No, they're, uh...

they're to make the music sound better.

That's illogical... How can anything sound better

by putting cotton in your ears? You'll see.

I understand you now!

Please be here.

Oh, please, please, please, please be here.

Oh, good!

Oh, no!

Oh, darn it.

Mindy!

Oh, hi, Mork.

Ooh, heavy vibrations.

Early sensor reading

says anxiety, depression, state of defunk.

What seems to be

the matter?

Oh, I'm just disappointed

in the mail.

Ah, then let me teach you something.

You see, it's common throughout the universe

for the female of the species to be disappointed in the male.

The nimnul factor's omnipresent,

and they can be such beasts sometimes.

No, Mork, you don't understand.

I was expecting a special letter.

Oh, let me give you one.

How 'bout "K"?

Maybe an "F" or a "U"?

Oh, Mork...

I'm sorry. I was just trying to cheer you up.

It's not going to help.

See, Mork, I never finished college

because I didn't really know what I wanted to do.

Yeah, but now I know I want to go back

and go on and get my degree in Journalism,

and I'd applied for this scholarship,

and I was just turned down,

and now I can't go back...

What are you doing?

Making a fool out of myself.

I understand that's common in light of what's happened.

What do you mean?

Ooh.

I took your advice, and this afternoon,

I went out, and I fell in love.

What?! Oh, she's beautiful.

The first time our eyes met...

I knew... I knew it was the real thing.

You see, I'm madly...

I am madly in love.

Mork, you can't fall madly in love

with someone you just met.

Love takes time.

No, you won't say that after you meet Dolly.

Oh. Well, certainly, I'd like to meet her sometime.

Oh, no time like the present.

She's out in the hall.

Can I bring her in, huh, can I, can I, huh, can I?

Of course. I mean, you shouldn't have left her

standing out there alone.

Oh!

Shh. Mindy...

meet... Dolly!

You dance divinely, my darling.

Mork. Oh.

I want you to sit down.

I have to have a little talk with the both of you.

I mean, uh...

Oh, just sit down.

After you first, my dear.

There we go. Relax.

Now, I don't know how else to say this

but to just come right out with it.

You can't have a meaningful relationship with a mannequin.

Why not?

She's beautiful, shy, quiet.

Of course she's quiet, she can't even talk.

Oh, haven't you heard of body language?

My darling, whoa, oh, oh, oh.

I love it when she talks dirty like that.

Mork, you can't love an inanimate object.

Why not, you say you love your book.

That's different.

And you said you loved Here Comes the Fleet.

That's different, too.

Isn't my love for Dolly different?

That's too different.

That's what I love about her.

She's unique, one of a kind.

That's what makes her wonderful, isn't it?

Oh, Mork, yes, I think she's just wonderful.

Now look, so far my day has been pretty rotten.

Now I'd like to stay here and talk to you two,

but I have some problems of my own to work out,

so I think I'll just leave.

You have a good time.

We will.

At last we're alone, cara mia.

What shall we do tonight, my love?

Hmm?

Maybe we can go to the Balalaika,

that quaint gypsy restaurant

and ask for Bella, our favorite waiter,

and he'll give us a booth near the oyster bar.

I'd sit near the fireplace,

but I know that it bums you out very much.

Then afterwards we'll wander down the street,

look in store windows,

see if there's anyone there you know.

We can go dancing, my love.

I know you don't like to dance.

You feel a little stiff sometimes, but...

I have a better idea, cara mia.

Come, stand up in your own special way.

Yes, I'll tell you what...

No, no.

Let me sweep you off your feet, my love.

Let me show you some old Roebuck catalogs now, come.

We're going up to my attic.

I'd like to show you some of my special drawings.

A special romantic interlude, just you, Mu-mu and me.

Upstairs we go, my love.

Oops.

Ooh.

Don't tell me, you've got a headache now, don't you?

I don't get it.

What kind of a ding-dong

would take a mannequin from a store window?

Well, what kind of a ding-dong

would put it there in the first place?

I'm not going to let it upset me.

Today is Fredrick C. McConnell's big day.

Today I become a success.

In one hour, I pick up my brand-new Cadillac.

If that's what makes you happy, have fun.

Hi, Mindy. Hi.

Hi, dear. What's wrong?

I guess I'm not very good at hiding my feelings, am I?

No, not unless you're secretly happy.

Honey, honey, what's the matter?

Oh, Daddy, I wanted to surprise you.

I was going to go back to college.

College? Honey, that's wonder...

"Was"?

That's just it.

I was hoping for a scholarship,

only they canceled the program,

and I didn't get it.

And I can't afford the tuition.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well...

This is kind of a... a dream of yours?

Yeah, I guess it is.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

How much money did you need?

Well, the scholarship was for about $2,000.

$2,000?

That's an interesting figure.

That's... that's too interesting for my bankbook.

Mindy.

Boy, is today your lucky day.

I mean, you were gonna surprise me,

now I'm gonna surprise you.

Honey, ever since you were a little baby,

I've been putting aside a little money for you.

I was gonna save it

until you needed it and...

well, it looks like you need it now.

What?

There's $2,300 in there.

I wish it could be more.

God, I wish it could be more.

This is incredible.

I'll second that.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, Daddy, you're wonderful.

I can't believe this.

Well, I'm going to go down right now and sign up.

Oh, thanks.

Ooh, I'll talk to you guys later.

Oh, thanks again, Dad.

Eh, Frederick.

You just did a wonderful thing,

and I'm really hacked off about it.

What?

Well, just when I convince myself

that you're an absolute wiener,

you turn around and...

turn around and do something nice.

Did you see the look on Mindy's face?

I mean, anybody that can make

another human being look like that,

he's gotta be a success.

Well, now I can go to my high school class reunion

and hold my head up in my old car...

if it starts.

And so I thought you ought to know

that's what he really was saving the money for.

I just don't believe him.

Oh, I know.

Sometimes he acts like a BB stacker,

but... but underneath, dear,

your father's really a... a good guy.

Oh, I know.

Well, I'll just have to give him that money back.

Oh, no, no, don't you dare do that.

Oh, no, you made him

very happy today.

More than a new car ever could.

And if you want to make me happy,

don't you ever dare tell him

that I spilled the beans.

Why?

Well, you see, way down I know

that your father really loves me,

and I don't want to do anything

to ruin our rotten relationship.

Good night, Mork.

Good night.

Good night, darling. Bye, Grams.

Excuse me,

but I find this all rather puzzling.

Oh, well, it's just another side of love, Mork.

A father's love for his daughter.

He sacrifices...

Oh, I know that. I read Lolita.

Oh.

But it's the other love that complicates things.

What other love?

Well, his love for her.

You see, he calls her bad names,

he tries to avoid her, but yet he still loves her?

See, Mork, Dad and Grandma need each other.

And that's what love is all about.

Oh, that's just like my love for Dolly.

You know, Mork, I don't know about the rest of the universe,

but here on Earth there's a big difference

between a living woman and a mannequin.

Really?

Yeah.

Go get Dolly. I want to show you something.

All right. I'll have to wake her up.

She had a headache so I put her in the guest room.

My love.

Get your sleeve off her, you...!

Come, my sweet.

Ah, there we go.

Okay,

now I want you to hold Dolly's hand.

All right.

Mmm, nice.

Now, I want you to hold my hand.

Oh, even nicer, and the fingers separate.

Okay, now I want you to hug Dolly.

Ooh.

Help me. Help me.

Not bad.

Okay, now I want you to give me a hug.

Whoa.

That's very, very nice.

And no dead flies either.

Okay, now I want you to give Dolly a kiss.

Just like in the movies?

Just like in the movies.

Now it's your turn, right?

Well, yeah.

It's all right.

Do you see the difference?

Whoa.

Aah, aah, aah, aah.

Genetic memory.

Whoa, primitive stirrings deep inside.

Whoa. Whoa.

Amrak. Crazen.

Yo, baby. No, no.

Oh.

Oh, I... I think I understand.

The for-real human being

is much better than a plaster replica.

Oh.

Mindy, can we be alone for a moment?

We are alone.

No, no.

Dolly and me.

Oh. Oh, sure.

I understand, I think.

Um, I have a few things

that I could pick up at the store, anyway, so

you two be alone.

Dolly?

Dolly, darling.

We have to have a little talk.

That's all right.

That's why I love you

because you're such a good listener.

Dolly?

Why are you staring off into space like that?

I guess you know what's coming. I...

You better kinda lay back for a second.

We're different, dear,

and I come from a planet where there are no emotions,

and all of a sudden I met you

and, "zingo," I felt something.

It was like

I guess as you humans say,

"I'll stop bushing around the beat."

Um, dear, I...

when I first met you, I found you very special,

the way you... the way you're so straight and yet, friendly,

and the way your ankles turn around,

kinda like backwards like that.

Kinda like Linda Blair and, I...

I don't know, darling, I...

it just isn't going to work.

You're too good for me.

I know, I know.

Well, look at it this way.

Someday you'll meet the mannequin of your dreams,

and you're no dummy, Doll...

I know, no offense. Sorry.

So all I can say to you, my love, it's...

it's over.

I, um,

I'll miss you.

No, no, don't... No, you can't cry.

Take care.

I'll drop by and look in on you, and...

I'll miss you, love.

No, no, don't pass out on me.

Guess this means

farewell forever, my love.

Oh.

You didn't have to give the ring back.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

This is Orson.

What's the matter with you?

Me? Nothing.

You've got a strange look on your face.

Maybe it's love.

Love?

Isn't that an emotion?

It's a many splendored thing.

It makes the world go round.

It'll keep us together.

It's all you need.

All I need is a report that makes sense.

Oh.

Love doesn't make sense.

That's why earthlings think it's so wonderful.

Is there anything similar to it on Ork?

No.

What happens is you get hot and sweaty.

You can't eat, you can't sleep,

and you feel dizzy all the time.

It sounds like that disease you got on Venus.

Yes, Venusian's Revenge.

We Orkans made the right decision

in giving up emotions.

I'm not so sure, Orson.

You see, we may have given up too much.

Even though I'm more advanced than these humans,

sometimes I...

I feel so primitive,

I'm afraid I don't understand.

Neither do I, Orson, but I'm not afraid.

This is Mork signing off till next week.

Nanu-nanu.