Original subtitles

Oh, Dad, it's so good to have you back.

How was your trip?

Oh, Baltimore was okay, but after two months in a hotel room, I was ready to

come home.

Yeah, well, from the clippings you sent, it sounds as if your orchestra was well

-received. Yeah, it was great to hear all those people coming out of the

hall whistling Stravinsky.

So, how have things been going around here?

Not so good, Dad. It's Mork.

It's always Mork.

see him. He's really changed.

In what way?

You wouldn't believe it. It's the last thing in the world you'd expect from

Mark. How much could he change? Unless he's grown another head.

Kenton, I'm home.

Big kiss.

Friend, really good to see you. How are you?

How's Baltimore here? It's quite a little town, eh?

Was it hot enough for you? How about all those dead toads?

Oh, what's for dinner, hon? I hope it's that mock pot roast again. What she can

do with a cracker, watch out.

Let's see in here.

Oh, yeah, another big kiss.

He seems fine to me.

Almost.

Normal. But that's the problem. He's too normal.

Mayonnaise. I can't get enough of it.

Oh, really good to see you, Fred.

He used to say, Nanu, Nanu. Oh, none of that immigrant talk for me, hon.

Hey, you got a haircut.

just like it. Doesn't everyone?

Oh, what kind of a host am I? Some kind of bozo. Can I get your cocktail?

How about a little Campari and Tab?

How about that? It's incredible.

Uh, no, no, no. No, thanks. Oh, not Mork anymore, Fred.

Wait till you hear this.

It's too ethnic.

Call me Mori.

now, Fred, at a daycare center. You know, because I think they're the future

America. Tomorrow's Republican.

Daycare center. That sounds interesting.

Well, here's the start, Fred.

Besides, you've got a future to think about, right, hon?

Right.

Maury. Oh, Minnie.

Maury and Minnie. Sounds like something you'd see on the TV, doesn't it?

Do you play Canasta, Fred?

Canasta.

I wouldn't worry about this fella. You know, I used to think he was strange and

peculiar, but now, gosh, you're just like one of us.

Yeah, but Daddy, he never does Orkin things anymore.

Like, he completely stopped drinking with his finger.

Oh, that's an old planet custom, huh?

And I've also stopped spitting with my toe. Besides, who wants a lot of drool

your socks?

Well, I've got to be getting home.

Kathy is fixing a meatloaf for dinner tonight. Oh.

Yum, yum, my favorite.

Oh, here's a little tip for you, Fred.

Try it with ketchup.

Hey, how about tomorrow maybe you and I will play a little golf? Well, I'd like

that. And we'll talk about maybe some politics.

Do you really think that Earl Shive does Ronald Regan's hair?

And trust me, everything is going to be all right.

It's going to be wonderful. I'll see you on the first tee.

Four.

Oh, Mindy, now I understand why you inherited your zest for life.

Oh, I think I'll just relax, watch a little TV.

Can I talk to you for a minute, Murph?

Oh, not right now, hon. Murph's going to sing My Way Underwater with an aqualung

with Jacques Cousteau.

I'd like to see Phil Donahue do that.

important. See, it's sort of been building up for the last couple of

I don't really know how to put this into words, but you've just changed so much.

You're just like an earthling.

Oh, big kiss.

I'm just afraid that there's something going wrong between us.

What can go wrong, hon? We've got the whole night planned out here. Look.

Well, start off with that's incredible. And tonight, Bo Derek is going to try to

count to ten.

Oh, look.

On Lou Grant, he's going to change his shirt. Watch out.

Oh, and on Quincy, Quincy falls in love during an autopsy.

Boy, that's a dead giveaway.

Oh, big kids.

Hmm.

What you doing up?

What's wrong, man?

I mean, you're crying.

You used to say your eyes were leaking.

I did?

Oh, Mork, when you first came to Earth, you were so exciting, so different and

special.

But I think that I've ruined all that.

Oh, no.

I'm still the same, see?

No,

it's my fault.

I'm the one who told you not to act strange in public and not to sit on your

face or not to feed the pigeons with a fork.

Oh, that was great, man. You taught me a lot.

Oh, Mork, don't you see? I taught you too much.

I've created an earthling.

I guess that's me, Maury Q. Public.

Because of me, you've lost everything that made you so wonderful.

You think so, huh?

Well, we've got a big problem.

I've had to make a really tough decision.

I don't think you should live here anymore.

You don't?

No.

Maybe if you're out on your own, that special quality might come back.

There's got to be something we can do.

There must be someone who can help us.

There's no one on earth who's even going to believe us.

Wait.

There is one person.

There's someone who can help us.

Stick your finger in my ear.

I beg your pardon?

No, no, Mendham.

We're going to talk to Orson, you and I both.

But first, I've got to plug you into my mind. So stick your finger in my ear,

hold my nose.

You mean I'm going to go with you into your head?

Into your mind?

Can I do that?

There's plenty of room.

Oh, this is very strange.

Well, you should have seen the old way.

Somebody else is in here.

Oh, it's just Orson.

Oh.

Sir, I brought my friend Mindy to talk to you.

An earthling in your mind?

This is highly unusual, Mark.

I know that, sir, but it's very important. I couldn't do it by myself.

I seem to be losing my Orkin -ness.

Tell him, honey.

Oh.

Hi, sir.

Orson. Orson, sir.

Obesity. No, no, no.

See, the problem seems to be that Mork has been around me so much, he's

become too much of an earthling.

Is that true, Mork?

Yes, sirree, Bob.

This is very serious. It sounds like you're afflicted with observer syndrome.

What's that?

It can happen when an observer spends too much time on another planet.

He starts to become like the creatures there.

Unless more can be cured, he'll have to be ostracized.

Ostracized? Does that mean, like, cast out?

He will be returned to Ork where he will be stripped of his name, his honor, and

his uniform.

Then he will be sprayed purple and doomed to wander his homeland forever as

fallen Orkin.

Oh, it's awful, man.

I mean, no one ever talks to you when you're purple, and the police always

hassle you.

What have I done?

Perhaps irreparable harm.

But you said there was a cure.

Possibly. I'll have to arrange for Mork to be visited by the most exalted elder

on Ork.

He is very old and very wise, and he knows all there is to know about Orkan

culture. If anyone can possibly retrain Mork in Orkan ways, it's the Ancient

One.

Oh, hey, it's got to work, sir. I don't want to be purple.

Orson signing off.

Well, goodbye, sir.

Nini nini.

That's nani nani. Really?

I will tell the elder to back quickly.

That's right, Dad. You heard it. I was inside Mork's mind, and I actually

to Orson.

He said that he's going to send down an elder.

Oh, yeah, a very wise and very old man who's going to try to teach Mork how to

get back to the way he was.

If it doesn't work, they're going to paint him purple and I'll never see him

again.

He's at work at the daycare center.

Might be the last time he gets to see his little friends.

All right, little neighbors, let's gather around the neighborhood.

Come on, here we go.

Let's go sit around Mr.

Table.

We have another story today. I'm sorry about yesterday's story. That was one by

Stephen King, and nap time didn't go very well, did it?

Okay.

Today we have kind of a fable. That's kind of a funny story.

Once, a long time ago in a faraway land, maybe even a planet, I don't know.

Let's just leave it at that.

There lived a little fuzzy creature named Crom.

And he lived in a little hole, kind of like a condominium.

And one day, a big fuzzy lump lump came and knocked on the door and said, you

have to leave.

So what'd you say?

Oh.

How'd you know it was me?

Because you're fuzzy.

All right, kids, you got me. I'll give it to you straight from the hip. I got

problems, real problems, and I need your help.

We'll help you.

Yeah, we always do.

It's Mindy. I know a girl trouble. Girls are always trouble.

Put a snake in her bed.

Show some sensitivity.

The man's got grease.

Yeah.

Well, see, Mindy wants me to leave, and I don't want to.

Leave? Why would you have to leave?

Well, it's kind of like, you know when you put pudding in the icebox for a long

time and it gets real hairy?

be one way, and now I'm something different. Kind of like when Lupier goes

you know?

I want to find out...

and find out, well, what I was like before.

We'd like to help you, Mark, but we don't know how you was.

Yeah, we just met you when you came to work here.

I know.

Why didn't you ask Mindy what you used to be like?

Well, I did, and I can't see how anybody would be like that and not be coming in

on three engines.

You could find out what you're like from other people who knew you before.

You mean like ask my friend?

Can I ask you one question?

Are you dating Walter Cronkite?

Good luck, Ancient One.

You are Morse's only hope.

Well, how do you like the place?

Catch a sign out front?

Da Vinci's. I named it for us.

Tell them your new slogan, Remo.

Sure, sis.

Da Vinci's Restaurant.

supper here.

That's really artful.

Where do you get those ideas?

I have a problem. I'm taking a little opinion poll.

Do you remember what I was like before?

You don't want to know that.

I always thought you were fun.

Kind of unpredictable.

Silly. Goofy. Remo.

No, no. I meant nice Goofy.

Oh, I see. Goofy with a side of nice.

A little restaurant humor.

Hi, Nelson.

Table for one?

Well, actually, I'm supposed to meet a friend here, the widow Comstock. A woman

in black?

She was sitting right here. I think she's in the washroom.

That's her poor thing.

She misses her late husband so very much.

She's in mourning.

Oh, no. I've got a woman weeping in my new bathroom.

Nelson, can you help a friend in need?

Sure, Mort. Come, let us sit together.

Thank you.

Nelson,

I'd like to get back to my former self. I mean, the way I was. You did it.

What's the secret?

I had to.

Losing that election showed me what kind of a shallow person I was.

So I joined this group that's teaching me to think positive and feel good about

myself.

I'd like you to meet the widow Comstock.

Hi, Mark.

Hi, Wid.

Oh, that's cute.

Nobody's ever called me Wid before.

But then I've only had the title for a few months.

See, we were assigned to each other from the group, kind of like the buddy

system. She reminds me to think positive, and I remind her not to feel

Oh, I see you boy up the girl.

Nelson has given me the moral strength to go on.

my husband, Randolph.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Thank you, Nelson.

It's been a tortured four months, but Randolph made me promise that if he ever

went before me, I would never lose that special sparkle he cherished so much.

Skiing, sailing, mariachis at midnight.

Olé.

Oh, is this one better?

Oh, I don't mind being reminded. In fact, every day I wear black in memory

him. That's why I'm wearing this.

Was that one of his?

More.

This brave woman has truly inspired me with her spontaneous vitality.

Spontaneous? That's what Mindy wants from me. She wants... Are you really

spontaneous? Oh, I don't know.

Nelson, let's get...

Unpredictable. Goofy with a side of nice.

Yes.

Oh, no wonder Mindy misses me.

Oh, I'm going to get ready now.

New mark, new mark.

I'm just being a little silly, unpredictable, wild, and goofy, like my

said I used to be.

Here's a little goofy. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Minnie, how come you only have three fingers? Woo!

Mark, are you trying to... No, no, Minnie. You haven't seen spontaneous

What? Minnie, let's take a bus all the way to Denver and have a lot of

daiquiris. Come on.

I'm not going to fool the elder.

And you don't have to perform for me. I'm your friend.

I just want to try to help you to find your old self.

Yeah, but I... I guess there were none of the places to look, man.

I'm just sorry I couldn't be grateful for what I had.

I'm sorry I let her get away.

Oh, Morgan, I don't want you to be purple.

It's a strange thing to say to somebody.

He's here.

The elder?

Oh, the ancient one is here.

Oh, Lord, what do I say? How do I ask? Well, just be very respectful of the old

coot. Thank you.

All right.

Remain calm. Remain calm.

Remain calm.

Mean he's older than I thought You're eminent

You're

eminent he who knows all

He's speaking some kind of foreign language, man.

I think it's Orkin.

Oh, of course.

What's he saying?

I was hoping you'd know.

Does he speak English?

I'll ask him.

Do you speak English?

I can speak any language I choose.

Look, I don't get it. You said somebody very old was coming.

How old are you?

Seven microbleens.

Or, in Earth years... Eighty -six.

Eighty -six?

But he looks like a ten -year -old kid.

Well, you see, on Ork, the aging process is reversed. It's kind of like Dick

Clark.

You see, we are born in a test tube.

gray -haired, and wrinkled.

That way, we are treated with respect from day one.

And baby shoe bronzing is really expensive.

Now, as you grow older, we start to look younger.

We get smaller and cuter. And that way, all the people want to keep their old

folks at home.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. In a weird sort of way.

Let's get on with the training.

17 % orchid.

Mork, if you are not a full orchid by the time I'm finished here, you will be

ostracized.

Oh, no.

The disgrace, the shame, and the shonda of it all.

To be purple, to be purple in winter, too. Purple doesn't go well with

goosebumps.

Um, is there anything I can do to help?

You've done enough, culture sapper.

Go away.

What? Wait a minute, Buster. This is my...

She meant no harm, Your Eminence. She robbed us of an orcan.

Oh, Mork, he's right.

I guess I have done enough already.

I'll just go back and wait in the room.

Good luck.

Big kiss.

No.

I feel really bad for her, sir.

Orcans do not have feelings infidel.

Now we shall begin with something basic.

Against that wall.

and taking strange -looking stuff into the attic.

You're living with two Orkins?

Oh, Dad, if Mook fails his Orkin training, I'll never forgive myself.

He'll make it, honey. He's doing it for you. You watch.

Soon he'll be the same fellow who used to lie on the lawn shampooing

caterpillars.

I just feel so helpless.

He's going through so much, and I can't even be up there with him.

Why not?

Because that old coot won't let me.

Well, honey, if Mork needs you, maybe you should be up there helping him.

Oh, yeah.

But I feel like an intruder in my own house.

And who knows what's even arriving in those eggs.

You sound like you're a little scared.

I am, but I'm scared for Mork, not for me.

And he just might fail that test.

Well, it never hurts to bring an apple to the teacher, if you know what I mean.

If you want me to, I'll go up there with you.

No. No, thanks, Dad.

He's my alien.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay. Well, I guess I can go then. All right. Now, look. If you need me, I'll

home hiding under the bed.

Humor.

Now, I care about Morgan, and I want him to be working again just as badly as

you do.

I mean, I think organs are great. They're terrific.

But you've just got to let me help him. Do you understand?

Oh.

Pardon me.

Can't take this excitement.

earthiness.

Put this on.

Is this going to fit me?

One size fits all.

Yeah.

Well, I'll be back.

You must be one of Mork's little friends from the daycare center.

What's your name?

Listen, you little... Leave here at once. This is no place for

children.

What are you, a wise guy?

Very.

How'd you like to go for a ride in my Cuisinart?

Listen, I came up here to complain about the noise.

Can't you play dress -up a little more quietly?

Where'd you get your outfits?

Frederick to Mars?

They're cute at that age.

Let us go.

But I must warn you, your upper level has been transformed into a world no

Earthling has ever seen before.

He's on the nanu machine.

Nanu. Nanu.

Nanu. Hi, boy.

Oh, hi, man.

Wrong.

Nanu. Big nanu man.

He's firm, but he's fair.

Oh, you look good in Orkin threads.

I didn't know they made him in cadet.

What's happened to this place? You never even knew we were in the attic.

Griblish.

Griblish? Oh, griblish means he's on the break, man.

Those elders have a tough union.

Well, let me show you around.

Oh, it's really fantastic.

Oh, sure. What's that? What's that thing? Oh, that was Orkin Words of

It'll come around again. See, here it says, which means life is like a

Deep, huh?

Yeah, I'll bet.

Let me show you a picture of where I grew up.

Oh, you mean this is...

They tore most of it down to make schwamps when they found out that

were allergic reactions to condominiums.

Even prettier in the fall.

It comes so quickly, too.

You, too. There it goes.

That is amazing.

Well, the artist is really fantastic.

You should see one of his sunsets.

Here comes one now.

Squeezy and Jojo.

Are all these things helping you to become more orc -like? Oh, they sure

They'll remind me of things back home, especially my pet Nogachomp.

Nogachomp? Well, Nogachomp's the number one pet on orc, even more popular than

Cocker Frankel.

Mine's the cutest little one of all. Here, let me call him.

Bebo! Come here, boy.

Munchies. Oh, no, no, don't worry, hon. They only eat hair and rugs. That's why

political candidates on Ork have to be real careful.

Well, well, well, call him off. Oh, okay. Here we go.

Oh, I don't know whether he's coming or going most times.

Oh, he's going to dance with me.

Oh, I missed you, boy. I missed you. Oh, it's a boy?

I don't know. I've never had the nerve to turn him over.

Yes, your eminence?

Fletchnew! Oh, break's over, man.

Take a hike, people.

Next phase, you will relearn your Orkin Pledge of Allegiance. Put your hand over

your heart.

I pledge allegiance to my planet. The rest of the known universe can can it.

What was that?

Killer Nogahide. We call it the Sizzler.

I thought you were a Malibu chicken.

You look like you're trying to cry me. Oh, that's all right. You can only sit

down if you have asbestos shorts.

Well, you're safe now, though, Mia. No.

Get away from him.

But she needs me, sir.

Yeah, wait a minute. You didn't... Mia?

Mia? She checked out and took the baggage, too.

You froze her.

You're more concerned about her than you are... about being an Orkin.

It's no use.

Your training can't help you. You're going back to Ork now.

No, sir, I can't leave, ma 'am. You must.

Oh, after all these years, you'll never know that I said goodbye.

No,

sir, I can't leave, ma 'am.

We'll build you another one.

A more advanced model with a power seat.

No, no, no, sir. See, there'll never be another Mindy. You underestimate

technology.

We must go.

No, sir, you don't understand.

Mindy's... Blasphemy!

An elder understands everything.

You young people have no respect.

I meant no disrespect, your foginess.

If I can only show you what a Mindy is, I'll kiss your tiny feet through your

sensible boots.

But be quick about it.

See, what's different is that she has qualities that we Arkans don't have.

Sometimes she's happy.

Sometimes she's sad.

Sometimes she's fun -loving.

Oh, you kid.

Sometimes she's inquisitive.

Mark, how did you get your tongue through the keyhole?

Most of the time, she's caring.

She's caring.

She's really caring.

Is something stuck?

Yes, sir. Me on Mindy.

Strange concept.

Yet it has such a hold on you. Oh, sir.

You see, that's why I've got to be an Orkin, sir. So I can stay here with her.

mean, she means more to me than anything in the known universe.

I mean...

Is there anything we can do? There must be something.

Well, there is.

No, it's far too dangerous.

Oh, sir, I'll risk anything. I'd even shave with a live weasel.

I haven't done it in many bleens.

It's horrendous.

It's terrifying.

A last resort.

I'm too old even to consider it.

But maybe with...

possibly do it.

Do what?

There's a remote possibility that I might be able to pull the earth spirits

your body with the ritual of the sacred eggs.

The ritual of the sacred eggs, men.

Oh, gasp. Joke.

Extreme fear.

Everything pulses through my body. Men, he's an exorcist.

With this ceremonial egg, I will attempt to remove the earth spirits from his

body.

I only hope I'm strong enough.

Why? What's going to happen?

It's not going to be pleasant.

Well, wouldn't you feel more powerful if you were upstairs in your own

environment? No.

We must fight the Earth vibrations off for their most powerful.

That's why it's so dangerous.

Earth behavior, be gone.

Credit's no good, Lord.

Your grandma writes bad checks at Macy's.

Oh, for sure, for sure, for sure.

I had this horrible dream.

And I dreamed my head spun all the way around and I spit out Linda Blair.

Look,

your hair's growing.

I'm back to my roots.

I'm back to my... Oh,

thank you, your geesiness.

He's just the way he used to be, right?

The oracle meter won't tell us that.

Oh, no.

There's no place like home.

Only 93 % Orkin.

You failed.

Prepare to leave for Ork to be ostracized. Oh, no, it can't be.

No, Min. We cannot question the wisdom of an elder. Can we?

No. See?

Min, something's not out of place.

He said the ritual would be dangerous, and yet he still did it for me.

And you did it for me.

Oh, and you did that for him.

You know, life would be a lot simpler if we were selfish.

Let's see if we can get him to drink some juice.

Here.

Let me see.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

All right.

Oh, he's not drinking.

Maybe I should fix him some soup. No, no, the noodles will get caught in his

fingernails.

Oh, good, he's drinking.

What's he saying? What's Orkin for? He'd like a frozen daiquiri and what's your

sign?

I was about to take Mark away.

had to. You needed someone.

As a wise elder, I have never uttered these words before.

I don't get it.

Well, it's called caring, Your Eminence.

Strong medicine.

I think I'm beginning to realize what a Mindy is.

Well, at least you understand that, sir.

I'm ready to leave now.

You're not a perfect dork, are you?

And the rules say I must take you back.

Rules are rules, sir.

True. But you are not playing the same game down here.

You both taught me that.

I understand the puzzlement, the sense of disorientation, sir.

Perhaps if you were any more, Orkin, you'd be of no use as an observer.

You'd stick out, like me.

You belong here.

You really can say?

Yes, oh, soft lap. one.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Jubilation. Chic -salation. Oh, Fern.

Fern, I'm back.

Oh, you too.

Oh, look at it. I'm back, Jack.

Oh, take it easy, chair.

Sir, sir.

Thank you, Your Eminence.

Why don't we have them on Ork? Well, if they're either too advanced, we don't

want the Baptists to know that we're dancing.

Let's go now, in order to catch the next time, Ork.

But if I should ever happen to be in the galaxy again, would you mind a visit

from an old man?

Oh, any time.

We promise we'll write.

As soon as we learn how to spell.

Well, nanu nanu.

Or, as you earthlings say,

100 feet high.

He likes you, me.

Mark calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mark calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Come in, your grossness, your fatitude, your innertubeness. Oh, lord and master.

Oh, how I miss those words, Mort.

Ha, ha, sir, me too.

Glad to see you're back.

Oh, I'd be glad to see you're back, sir, but your front falls around and covers

it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'd love to zing him, B.

Music to my ears.

His eminence told me what happened.

It must have been quite an experience for you. Oh, yes, sir. It was a very

philosophical excursion, for sure.

But basically, sir, after much difficulty, I found the tree of me.

Good, Mark.

Where did you find it? In the forest above, sir.

And where is the forest above? Well, down the path of change, where the

squirrels of self hide the nuts of inner peace.

In other words, Mark, what you're saying is life is like a kushbaya.

Yes, sir. Yay!

Come on home, I'm going to take anything you need.

Basically, sir, I'd like to thank you, Min, little pfft, and everyone who made

me an orphan again, sir, because that's the way I really want to be.

I'm glad to hear that, Mork. Oh, me too, sir, because I learned a very important

lesson. You can make your home anywhere in the universe, but it's most

comfortable if you furnish it with your own traditions.

And I feel best in early Mork.

Until next week, sir.

Nanu, nanu.