Original subtitles

Boy, am I in for it now.

Sit before the white desk again.

What did I do?

The solar lander, you fool. You painted a mustache on it. But Orson doesn't know

I did it.

Then why am I here?

If I knew that, I wouldn't be talking to myself.

Mork? Good morning, Orson.

Orson. You call me Orson to my face, but behind my back you call me Fatso,

Rocketship Thighs, and Star Tush.

You forgot laser breath.

Sorry,

Your Immenseness.

See what I mean?

These constant displays of humor are not acceptable behavior here on Ork.

You're right. We are rather a dull lot, the white bread of the universe.

Emotions have been weeded out of us for the good of the race, and you constantly

make jokes.

I'm afraid that won't do.

Uh -oh.

There's an insignificant planet on the far side of the galaxy.

From the fragmented reports we have on it, the people are, well, uh... Real

nimnos? Exactly.

That's why I think you'll fit in there, Mork.

You're too kind, sir.

What is the name of this hellhole you're sending me to?

Earth.

Earth.

I was on Earth three bleems ago. I was sent there by a biology class to collect

a specimen. I had to throw it back, though. Too small.

I love that place.

Well, don't enjoy it too much.

It's not a vacation.

We want you to learn all we can about primitive societies.

Your mission is to report back to me mentally about the things you learned

there. And remember, this is a serious mission.

You can count on me, Orson. D, D, and E.

Dedicated, diligent, and efficient.

Nanu, nanu.

Nanu, nanu.

I love this spot. It's beautiful.

You know, the reason I enjoy taking you out is you don't put pressure on me. You

don't force me into playing that virile stud macho role, you know?

Only one suitcase.

You lost half my luggage. You nimble...

A Thanksgiving turkey?

Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.

What? Will you cut it out?

Now, look.

You know, I liked you a lot better when you were ineffectual. I don't even think

I like you at all after tonight.

Good point. I think I should take you home.

Because I respect you.

Well, I'll drive to make sure we get to our respective homes still respecting

each other.

Ah.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it, why don't you just walk home?

Oh, if that's the way you want it, I'll be... happy to walk home.

Hey, wait a minute. That's my car.

No, no, no, no.

Father.

What are you doing out here?

This is where I was dropped off.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got dropped off, too.

You don't know what happened to me. He just took my car.

Well, I'm glad to have someone I can trust to walk into town with.

I mean, this isn't a confession or anything, but I only had three... He

dates with the guy and he takes my car and makes me walk.

Very interesting. Mind if I take notes?

Now I know where he gets off.

Thirteen.

None, none, none.

Yes, but...

lot for walking me home, Father.

I'm afraid I hardly gave you a chance to talk, but I was just so mad, you know

what I mean? Nap, nap, my pleasure. I was sent here to learn, you know.

Well, if there's anything I can do for you.

Oh, if it's not too precious a glass of water, and if it is, a quart of oil will

suffice. Oh.

I think I can spring for the water.

Spring water, humor.

Ah, ah.

There yet, how about a little iced tea?

I'll win on her.

He was the athlete.

Yes, you see, Orc is a planet.

You follow the Big Dipper till it comes to a dead end, then you're hanging up.

And up?

Up, down, hard to tell out in hyperspace. Oh, right.

I have a poor sense of direction myself.

Sue, you're from outer space.

Yes, and do you mind if I take a few pictures for the folks on the home

They'd like to get some postcards.

Oh, no.

Okay, watch the fluky.

Come on, starting in 33 bits.

you're going to hear me scream like you've never heard anybody scream.

I've never heard anyone scream.

Is that your way of saying thanks?

Health has already arrived, so you just stay cool, spaceman, or he'll...

half on your choley cho -cho.

It occurs to me we have not been formally introduced. A formal

at hand.

We spit.

Mind if I don't say thank you? No sweat off my front.

I just... I just can't believe this.

I'm standing here talking to an alien.

Do you realize the historic sweep of this?

I mean, the world would be astounded.

No, nap, nap.

You see, my mission is to observe Earth. And the only way I can do that is by

being one of you I face in the crowd, which is easy because...

I fit right in.

Not really.

No? No.

You sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

I'll tell you what.

Now, I'm as interested in you and your planet as you are about us, so how about

I can teach you how to act earthling if you teach me more about orc? Is that a

deal? A fair exchange. Let's formally close the deal.

I've heard so much about your earthling hospitality.

Oh, well, you can, uh, temporarily.

Oh, but if my father finds out. Father? Oh, on earth you have natural parents.

You see, I'm a test tube baby.

It's the only music I can challenge him with, dear. He won't play anything by

Alice Cooper.

That's because I play piano. Alice Cooper just beats on the keys with a

snake.

But at least he shows feeling.

Are you two going to start this again?

I am a musician.

I sell violins and I sell cellos. They're classics. That's food for the

And a feast for the soul while you peddle... junk food.

Gregory. Huh?

If you were in heaven and God said, I will give you a choice, you can be born

with brains or you can be born with a permanent rash on your fanny.

Now, which would you choose?

The brains.

of marriage.

Oh, Daddy, you know she loves to tease you.

It's what keeps her young.

Yes, but it's making me old.

Mindy, isn't that your second cup of coffee? It's my fourth.

But you don't drink coffee. Why are you all of a sudden drinking gallons of

coffee unless you stayed up late?

You're right. This must be my first cup of coffee.

Mindy. Dad, I was up late last night.

Dad, I...

Oh, honey, I know, I know. It's just that I'll always think of you as my

girl.

I know you will.

Hey, Mindy, look who I found wandering the streets looking for you. Correction,

Munchkin -like person. I wasn't wandering. I was trying to explore your

He's new in town, Eugene.

Mork, I'll be happy to show you around after work.

Work?

have to work for a living. Hmm, what a novel concept.

Mindy, who's your beatnik friend?

Daddy, this is Mork. Mork, this is Mr.

McConnell.

No, no, no, no.

Mork, he's my father.

What an interesting position to be in. I tip my cripple out to you, sir. You

down.

I'd like to see you again. Where can I find you? I'll be up at Mindy's place.

Come by any time.

What it was, my main man?

You'll be at Mindy's place?

one with the hearing problem, I distinctly heard him say you were living

together. Oh, oh, well, Mork is a practical joker.

Oh, you heard his voice, right? And with a name like Mork, you'd be a practical

joker too, right?

so you might as well sit down and make yourself comfortable. Don't mind if I

Now, Mork, today you did a bad thing. You told my father we're living

Now, I know you didn't mean to do any harm, and it's... What are you doing?

You said to make myself comfortable.

Mork, can you take a little constructive criticism?

Of course.

Now, if you want to pass for one of us, the first thing we're going to have to

do is we're going to have to work on your voice.

Your voice is not right.

Well, how about this one?

You say another word, I'll blow your lips into the sand.

That one's not quite you.

Or this one?

You cause trouble.

Heavy thigh.

The last time I was here, I caused a big problem, too.

You were on Earth before?

About 20 bleems ago. I was here to visit my friend, the Fonz. You know him? Hey.

Are you interested?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Then I'll take you back, prepare a time warp sequence.

vacation joint, you know.

Hey, you sound very adorable. What's your name?

Mary. How are you? Arthur Fonzarelli here. How's it up?

You never heard of me?

What, are you new in town or are you just back from lunch?

Yes, Mary, I will tell Richie that you called.

Yes. Goodbye, Mary.

Oh, I tell you, he's no some uninformed human bitch.

Who's going wee -wee -wee?

I'm saying, who's going wee -wee -wee?

Hey, Ralph, if you're out there and this is a bad joke, I'll give you 30 seconds

to find out how much I don't enjoy wee -wee -wee. Huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm tweeting Fonzie.

Remember me? Mork from Mork. You once called me the nutso from outer space.

I think I must be dreaming of something like that, you know?

I mean, uh...

Of course I'm dreaming. That's why Mary never heard of me.

Sorry, real thing. I had to zap your mind to make you forget. Didn't want you

go Bozo City.

I think I want to wake up now.

Strange custom.

and as much as I'd like to invite you in to have a little small talk and

everything, I got so many things to do, you know? Like give Richie a message for

Mary and clean the bugs off my headlights, stuff like that. You know

mean?

Hello.

I've come for very important information. When I was here before, I

earth ritual that I could not comprehend.

It drove me zazbat.

Well, don't get unrave... Oh, hey, let's not get unravelled.

Right. We'll just talk about it. What is this particular ritual that made you

this big?

Men dating women.

Well, I think you came to the right place.

What is it you want to know?

Oh,

thanks a lot.

Why a man dates a woman.

Don't men date women on your planet, Dave? Hard to tell.

are interchangeable.

I don't know how you guys got so far advanced, you know? I mean, there's no

incentive. Oh.

All right, look, right off the bat, let me tell you something. It's very

difficult to talk to you like this.

Don't sit that close.

Oh.

All right, now you're telling me that men don't kiss women on your planet?

Kiss. I don't know what that means.

It's a nice word. It has a pleasant ring to it. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Can you

hear the ring?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, look, look. All right, a kiss.

It's very affectionate, you understand?

You got a boy and you got a girl.

And they put their lips together, you see? And they kind of slide them around.

And it feels great.

A sliding lip sounds unappealing.

Don't knock it till you try to.

You've got to meet a girl, get to know her, find out if she's willing or not.

Do you know a girl who's willing?

I know some girls that are willing and able, and I know some that are not

willing, and you're able to convince them, yeah.

Can you introduce me to one of the convincing ones?

It's going to be very hard.

But I... Don't touch me.

Perhaps you'd like to slide lips then. See?

But you see, I need your help. You are known throughout the universe for your

expertise in this field.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, right.

All right. All right. I'm going to try to find you a date.

Hey.

You just got to do me a favor.

Go up to Richie's room and get on some of his clothes so at least you look

normal, huh?

You think?

My clothes do need time warping. Yeah.

But first. What?

What is Richie's room?

Oh, yeah, you can't miss it. Lots of stripes and checks and, uh, and penny

loafers. Oh, penny loafers. Yeah, hey, take this with you. But first,

I remember Richie now.

He needs a

lot of work. Good thing he didn't land at Potsy's house.

All right, now who am I going to fix him up with?

Gloria Hockney?

No, I don't want to put her in a tizzy, by the way.

A hoop of tributes. And there's a six -pack to go.

this guy Mark look like? Is he tall, dark, and handsome?

Yeah, you know what he is. He's a foreigner.

Oh, I don't like foreigners. They talk funny.

Where's he from?

York.

Sounds like a nice country.

Yeah, Lady Laverne, listen, I just want to spend a little time with him alone,

you understand, so that I can breathe on American customs, you understand? Why

don't you wait in your car?

My car broke. I took her by... Yeah, I'll fix your car once you're on the

all right? Thanks very much. I'll be back in two minutes.

Where is she? If she's here, she must be tiny.

I want to get a few things straight with you, all right?

Number one, what... What are you doing?

Spreading things out. I start with my legs, then go to my arms. I do my neck,

except if I cut off the blood, I'd probably die.

Stop that. I want to talk to you about kissing again, all right? I've been

meaning to ask you about that. I want to know why I would want to do it.

Physical pleasure.

Won't you do anything on your planet that includes physical pleasure?

Well, yes.

There's one thing, and it's against the law, and I can't tell you.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're having a man -to -man talk here or whatever.

Tell me.

All right.

When a woman touches a man here... It

drives me zazbat.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me if somebody touches you...

Well,

it only happened to me once.

The zazbat came over me and I... I didn't control myself. I... Well, I...

I became a beast and I... I jerked her earlobe.

No, I got to go now because... What is no, no, no? Do somebody who's proud, you

know what I mean? No, no, no, no. Oh, bad humor.

Ah, ah, ah.

Hans, did you fix me up with another jerk?

Oh, Jack.

Not him, I love you.

That's just good. Oh, yes, yes.

That was a fine jerk.

Hans.

I washed my hair for this, I ironed my skirt. You don't know what customs are,

just give them a break, all right?

Huh?

Hmm.

Tell him not to jerk. It makes me nervous.

Don't jerk. Who do you mess with?

All right, look.

If you get in a situation and you don't know what to do, just follow what

Laverne does because she knows the ropes, all right? I know the ropes, too.

can tie a square hitch, a sheep shank, many, many more.

You're not going for a merit badge here.

Sheep shank.

Oh, that's fancy, huh?

So murky.

I'm not real good in geography.

This off place, where is that, off Greece?

No, we Orkans have been off Greece for at least five gleams.

Now for lubricants, we use Viz, Gage, or the ever -popular Limacook.

Engines couldn't handle it. They would either overload and pollute the

atmosphere or destroy the universe as you know it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Is it time to flatter you?

Sure.

You have a lovely fungus growing out of your head.

Fungus? What fungus?

What?

Well, fungus are any major group of fungi including mushrooms, mold, or

What's the next step?

From young video to a Shakespearean thing called Twas the Jeffersons.

Well, that voice is normal if you forget the twas and the twits.

A twi.

Here.

Read this. Just turn to any page.

Her fingers trembled as she undid her blouse and let it fall to the floor.

nostrils flared. Her nostrils flared. Everything flared.

I don't know why this book is overdue.

Here, just turn to any page.

My shorts, cried the senator as he

night let me examine them number one this phony voice you shouldn't use the

other one at least don't use it around other people number two don't drink with

my finger number three don't sit on my face

oh

and you forgot the fourth thing and it's the most important don't tell my father

we're living together I don't understand. He doesn't know you're

It's not the living. It's the together he wouldn't understand.

No, I wouldn't. Dad!

Greetings, Mr. McConnell.

Don't you greetings me. I wanted to believe you today. I came over here

wouldn't find what I found.

You came over here to chuck up on me? I came over here to prove to myself that

my daughter hadn't lied to me and that she wasn't living with a man.

Dad, it's not like that. Instead, I proved to myself that my little girl...

little girl any longer.

Help me celebrate.

I've been saving this bottle of champagne since 1967 for my daughter's

Oh, I wanted it to be so special. I was going to have tuxedos and flowers and a

little band that I just might conduct myself.

It was going to be real classy.

Here, you'll have to drink from the bottle.

It's empty.

Then suck the cork.

What's wrong here, Fred?

A toast!

A toast! the toast of the old days when values were values and morals were

morals. I remember when sharing a padmet, borrowing a notebook.

What are you talking about?

My daughter, my daughter is living with a man.

Mindy? Oh, come on. That can't be. It's true, it's true. She's a loose woman and

I don't know...

What? I'm a cop. I represent law and order.

But he hasn't done anything illegal.

Listen, you don't get the idea. Now, I'll just whip over there and I'll just

scare the daylights out of him. You know, hit the road, hamburger.

Like that.

You'd do that for me? Sure. First thing in the morning when I get off duty.

Really?

Smoky! Hi, I'm Mort.

Oh, listen, kid. I don't belong to your fraternity, so watch where them secret

handshakes.

Is Mindy McConnell here?

Oh, no, she's at a place she calls work. A strange concept, but she enjoys it.

And I suppose you don't like work.

Oh, no, never tried it.

I see. So you just sponge off men.

Oh, no, we've never taken a bath together.

Oh, no, I mean, you live off her. Listen, I've met your type before, and

just about the lowest form of life there is.

Well, you better check up on your biology, then.

The lowest form of life is a gage, bosh, or they ever call it nibba -shish.

Don't give me none of that intellectual mumbo -jumbo.

want to see Mindy hurt.

Mindy hurt? I'd never allow it.

Then I want you to take off. Take off? I just landed.

Now listen here, Buster, I can make a lot of trouble for you. You see this

uniform? It is a uniform.

I didn't want to make mention of it.

Are you a member of Space Patrol?

Are you putting me on?

Putting you on? You're not even hollow.

How can I help you if you won't even help yourselves?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Am I in trouble?

Well, I got to talk to you.

Did you scare him off? Well, he won't be bothering Mindy anymore, but I didn't

scare him off. Well, what?

You what?

Well, I just wanted you to get rid of him, not that.

Well, I had to.

I didn't want to, but I had to do my duty.

You think I enjoyed it?

This is about work, isn't it?

What have you done?

Well, I just went up there to scare the little fella. It's not my job, but when

I seen him, I knew I had to do my duty.

Much as I hate it.

What was your duty?

Well, I know he's a friend of yours, but that guy is bonkers. I had to take him

in. They're going to have a sanity hearing tomorrow, and I'm afraid they're

going to put your friend away.

Daddy, how could you?

Tillwick, how could you?

The court is well aware of your qualifications as a psychiatrist, Dr.

Now, you examine the defendant.

Yes, sir. And I may say... Stop him!

Oh, Mork, I'm sorry we're late, but they wouldn't tell us where the meeting was

being held.

Lady, cases of this kind are not supposed to be public spectacles. But

here as character witnesses for the defendant, although personally, I never

really liked him.

Your Honor, my name is Mindy McConnell, and this is my father. And I want to go

on record as saying that Mork has the right to have a lawyer. I will not

him to be on trial without counsel.

I'm his lawyer.

The court appointed me.

Young lady.

This is an informal situation, but I assure you no one is trying to railroad

anyone. Ah, may I ask just one little question?

Oh, why not?

The question is... Mork is innocent.

True. He is different from most. But this great country was built on the

of individuals to be individuals.

I mean, we have the God -given right to be eccentric and...

You sit down. We're hearing the testimony of Dr. Litney. Oh, I'm sorry.

She's sorry.

Dr. Litney, if we may continue.

What was your conclusion after examining the defendant?

Your Honor, my conclusions are that the patient is extremely childlike and

incapable of learning.

He has also exhibited marked antisocial behavior.

Therefore, it is my opinion that the defendant is incompetent to function in

society.

Now, look.

No questions.

What's your hand to ask questions?

Mark, don't let them do that to you. You don't know what it means.

I have a vague idea.

I saw a rerun of Perry Mason last night and in here at the Wynn.

Since there are no more witnesses... Your Honor, I salute you.

Nanu nanu.

Your Honor, in your law, is it true that I have a right to speak for myself?

Antisocial behavior.

Why? Well, first of all, you wouldn't tell me where you were from.

And you neither.

That's not my job.

It's not mine either. Nah, we're even... How about these tests

you ran that made you hate me?

Your Honor, I don't hate this man.

But yesterday, during one of my tests, he tried to put a square peg into a

hole. But I did it, Your Honor.

Dr. Litley, I can sense that. Your Honor, I don't have time for this,

The time, excuse me, it's 10 .36, exactly.

You see, Your Honor, he's wearing a wristwatch on his ankle.

No, Your Honor, I'm wearing an ankle watch on my ankle.

If I was wearing an ankle watch on my wrist, then I'd be crazy.

Your Honor, you see, he's a wiseacre. And you don't like wiseacres, do you,

Litley? No, I don't.

against me. I didn't say that. You see how he's cleverly twisting my words,

Honor? Oh, so you're calling me clever now, Dr. Litney. Isn't that another word

for intelligent?

So you see, Your Honor, doesn't this case hinge on my ability to learn?

Yes, it does, Your Honor. And by the way, he flunked his word association

outright yesterday. That's the test where I give him words like... Light.

Tall. Short. Sky. Bird. Flex.

Pamela. You said you'd never tell.

In a short while, would you excuse me, please? No, he's not going anywhere

without me.

And since it appears he's no danger to himself or society...

I'm only 60 million light years away.

Just tell me what you've learned about Earth.

Oh, I've learned a lot. So much, it's hard to comprehend.

It seems that everyone on this planet is an individual, and not only that,

they're proud of it.

Amazing. If everyone's different, how can a society function?

Not very well. They almost locked me up because they thought my mind was

imperfect. Hmm.

Intelligent life.

Something very strange happened that really confuses me.

I met this Earth girl and her biological father, and at my hearing, they came to

my defense, especially the girl. She defied the system to protect me.

Why would she do such a thing?

I don't know.

Must have something to do with emotions.

Investigate the phenomenon closely.

It's interesting behavior, even if it is irrational.

Yes, it is, Orson.

This may sound strange, but knowing that someone would do that for me, well, it

makes me feel really good inside.

Just remember, Mork, you're sent there to observe, not to get involved.

Yes, Your Immenseness.

This is Mork signing off from Boulder, Colorado. Until next week.

No, no, no, no.