Original subtitles

( wind blowing )

( wolf howls )

( keyboard playing )

( wolf howls )

( wolf howls )

A grave is a solemn place,

needs taking care of,

the way this meathead is doing.

My brother-in-law,

Phillip Benedict, M.D.,

world-famous shrink,

book on the best-seller list,

intellectual.

Well, if he's so smart,

what's he doing out here in the middle of the night

fussing over that funny-looking grave?

A friend lies buried here,

a friend I knew for only a short time.

The story I'm about to tell you

is really his story.

My name is Phillip Benedict, M.D.,

psychiatrist by profession.

Perhaps you read my book

"The Open Door."

In it, I stated that most mental institutions

for the handicapped bred mental illness.

I believe that only

with supportive outpatient therapy

could a handicapped person

become functional again in society.

I was called in as a consultant

by Dr. Anton Verescu.

Dr. Verescu had a private sanitarium in Ohio.

All of his patients were severely deformed.

They were in fact...

freaks.

I flew to Ohio and was met at the Cleveland Airport

by Marian Spencer,

Dr. Verescu's head nurse.

I sensed a certain coldness in the woman.

On our way to the sanitarium,

she broke the silence.

"I know of your work, Dr. Benedict,

and I heartily disapprove.

Putting slightly handicapped people

on the streets is one thing,

but Dr. Verescu's patients are deformed

in mind and spirit as well as body.

They cannot,

should not be placed into society."

I recognized a fanatic

and realized any reply on my part

would only excite her further.

It was a long and uncomfortable drive,

but we finally arrived at the sanitarium,

a huge, forbidding,

castle-like building

surrounded by desolate bogs.

The place had an unusual history.

Ms. Spencer explained.

"The house was built over 100 years ago

by an eccentric millionaire.

Had a very young, very lovely wife."

He lived in constant fear that she might leave him.

He built the house here

on an underground lake.

He drilled holes in the property

so the water table rose,

surrounded the entire house

with a veritable marshland of bogs and quagmires.

It drove all the nearby animals

up into the house,

especially the rats.

We've always had a problem with rats.

We still do.

But the patients know about the marshes.

They do not wander far,

especially at night.

The land here can be quite as dangerous as quicksand."

Dr. Verescu greeted us at the door.

( chuckles ) "Welcome to my little home.

Oh, Dr. Benedict,

I'm so excited about the possibility

of what you can do here.

Oh, come on, meet everyone."

He introduced me to Arnold,

who had no legs...

...but two pairs of arms.

"Oh, let me take your suitcases, Dr. Benedict.

( chuckles ) Don't worry.

My second pair of arms

are quite as strong as most people's legs."

And he lurched off on his arms

like some great spider.

Next, there was Clarabelle,

a huge, hunchbacked woman

more froglike than human.

She offered me a flower.

( grunts )

It was at dinner that night

that Dr. Verescu first mentioned Billy.

"Ah, Billy.

He's the most fascinating one of all.

You really must come to the cellar and meet him.

( laughing ) The cellar?

Oh, not my idea, really.

Billy prefers it down there."

As we descended steep, narrow steps

into a large, stone-walled cellar,

Dr. Verescu told me Billy's story.

"Before I bought this building,

it was a boardinghouse.

A young, lovely girl

who taught school at nearby Hilldale High School

came here to stay.

One night, she woke to a scratching in the walls.

She listened.

It sounded like mischievous children at play.

Then suddenly a hole appeared in the wall.

Through it, she could see sharp, crooked teeth

and small, feral eyes.

Tiny claws scraped away the plaster.

A rat was gnawing its way into her bedroom.

A long, gray-white figure slithered through the hole.

Then one after another followed,

dropping with soft plops on the carpet by her feet.

She stared about the dark room in terror.

She could hear unseen scurrying all around her.

She jumped back in bed and pulled the covers over her.

( rats squeaking )

That's when the nightmare began,

for under the covers

she felt a warm, furry movement

against her leg.

Tiny claws dug into her thighs.

They hurled away the covers.

Something ran across her body.

A serpentine tail slithered over her breast.

Tiny claws clutched her hair.

She felt a searing wetness

of a small tongue burn her ear.

She tried to scream,

but a great, gray-white furry thing

flung itself about her neck,

its eyes peering into her eyes,

its mouth screeching by her mouth.

The rats were all over her,

clothing her in claws and fur.

She tried to arch her back to throw them off,

but their weight on her was too great.

( squeaking stops )

They consummated their fury there in the dark."

"Are you saying they sexually assaulted her?"

"Yes,

and Billy is the offspring of that unholy mating."

"But the product of a cross-species coupling

could not survive."

"See for yourself."

And Dr. Verescu opened the door

to a small fruit cellar.

There was a pallet of straw

and some children's furniture in the room.

In one corner stood a large screen.

As we entered it, I saw a long, pink tail

disappear behind the screen.

I walked over to it.

"Billy, I'm Dr. Benedict.

I've come here to work with Dr. Verescu.

I'd like to be your friend.

Won't you come out and talk to me?"

Moonlight streaming from a window behind the screen

silhouetted a small creature there

crouched on all fours.

"No.

Stay here.

Nice, dark."

"Billy...

you can't stay in the dark forever."

No response.

"Billy, I'd like to come back tomorrow to see you.

Uh...

I'd like for us to be friends.

Is there anything I can bring you,

anything you'd want?"

And the creature on the other side of the screen

stood up on its hind legs

and pressed its face against the screen

to whisper to me.

I could hardly wait to--

to find out what he would ask for.

"Mama?

Mama?"

I reached out my hand

to touch that twisted little face behind the screen...

and felt wetness...

the wetness of tears.

In the following weeks,

I talked to Billy again and again,

but I could never coax him from behind the screen.

I told Dr. Verescu

that Billy needed more human companionship.

He needed to know that he was accepted as he was.

I asked Dr. Verescu about Billy's mother.

He said she had abandoned him at birth,

and he swore he did not know who she was.

Somehow, I did not believe him.

Well, my programs were put into effect.

Some of the patients

even went out to work at jobs during the day.

Arnold got a job at a shoeshine stand,

an extra pair of arms a definite asset.

Everything was going well.

Everyone's spirits seemed to soar,

everyone but Ms. Spencer's.

"Ms. Spencer, I wish you'd come with me to visit Billy.

I know he would enjoy having more people around him."

"I never deal with Billy."

It was several weeks later

that I awoke with a premonition of danger.

My heart was pounding.

The smell of smoke had awakened me.

I ran downstairs to see the source of the smoke.

One of the old wall furnaces had caught fire.

The old cripple that was in charge of lighting them

was beating clumsily at the flames with a small rug.

With a sudden spurt,

the flame leapt out and enveloped him.

He became a human torch lurching about wildly,

setting fire to everything he touched.

With a mad dash, he jumped through the front window

and fell onto the ground outside.

Oh, Dr. Verescu and Ms. Spencer and I

tried to rescue as many patients as we could.

Arnold jumped from the second-floor roof

and breaking his arms in the fall

and rolling about,

shrieking like some demented Humpty Dumpty.

Clarabelle fled off into the night in a wild panic.

Ms. Spencer ran after her.

I called out, "The bogs! Be careful!"

Then I heard an ominous splash.

I ran into the darkness.

By the pale moonlight, I could see Ms. Spencer

up to her knees in the dark waters.

I ran to a nearby tree and pulled off a heavy branch.

When I returned to the bog's edge,

I saw a small, pale, naked child dancing there.

He turned pleading eyes to me.

It was then I saw the...

snout and whiskers...

...and realized I was seeing Billy clearly

for the first time,

without the screen between us.

But there was no time for Billy.

Ms. Spencer had sunk

up to her hips in the dark waters.

I tried to get the branch to her.

She grabbed hold. I pulled.

The branch snapped in two. Billy squealed.

Ms. Spencer sank way up to her waist in the dark waters.

Then, before I could stop him,

Billy leapt into the bog after Ms. Spencer.

He tried to grab ahold of her,

but the-- he was not strong enough.

The bog began to envelop them both.

I stood there unable to help,

watching in horror as the dark water

swirled higher about them,

till only their heads were visible,

and they clung to each other,

each gasping for one last breath,

and then as that quavering blanket of mud

swallowed them, they spoke one last word to each other.

Billy cried out, "Mama!"

And Ms. Spencer held the child to her

and said, "Son."

( keyboard playing )

Mother and son are buried here.

I saw to it they were buried in the same coffin.

But it was a closed casket.

Billy would have wanted it that way.

Now mother and son

are at peace together...

...forever.

I hope you folks

learned something from this last story.

A rat is a pathetic

and misunderstood critter,

not a mean bone in his slippery little body,

not like the critter

Cousin Mary's interested in.

She ought to take that fox

and trade it in on a skunk

and drown the skunk.

( wind blowing )

I often come here to be near to him.

I never tell my father and my brothers where I'm going.

They'd never understand.

I'm not sure I understand.

You see, I know what he was.

And yet he was the only man

that-- that ever seemed to be in love with me.

And he did seem to be in love with me.

I never went out on dates in high school,

and so I was glad when school was over

and I could stay home with my father and my brothers.

They never seemed to think

that I was different from the other girls.

I guess that's why they kept inviting

all those young men over for supper.

They wanted them to want me,

and, of course, none of them ever did.

And then one night,

they brought him,

Mr. Fox.

( sighs )

The first time I looked in that handsome man's face,

I knew he'd never even make it through supper,

but he did.

And he listened to every word I said.

And he didn't even flinch when he--

when he looked at my face.

Oh, I blessed that Mr. Fox.

It was the first time in my life that I ever felt normal.

It was a miracle.

It was the first time in my life I--

I started thinking about marriage and children.

And if you think I was happy,

you should have seen my father and my brothers.

And then...

Mr. Fox would come

every night.

Night after night, he wanted to be with me.

And then one night, he said,

"Mary, we never have any time alone together.

We're always with your father and your brothers.

Why don't you come to my house tomorrow?"

Of course I said I would.

I would have gone anywhere with that man.

Then the next day, I woke up,

and-- and I was scared.

There were a whole lot of girls missing in our town.

My father and my brothers, they were deputy sheriffs,

and they kept talking about it,

so, well, I was kind of afraid to go out all alone,

so I decided to stay home.

That night, Mr. Fox didn't come.

My father and my brothers said I did something wrong,

and-- and they kept asking me questions,

and I kept denying it.

So the next day,

I had to go see Mr. Fox.

He would understand.

I would tell him I was scared,

and he would take me back.

So I went to his house,

and it was exactly the way he described it,

down this steep, deserted valley.

So I knocked on his door,

and no one answered.

So I went in, and there was nobody there.

I climbed up the sweeping staircase,

and there was this door at the top.

I reached out. I didn't want to open it,

but I was so curious,

so I opened the door.

And there they were,

all of those poor girls,

all wrapped and bloody and hanging on meat hooks!

I was so scared.

I ran, and then I heard this bloodcurdling scream,

and I looked, and there was Mr. Fox,

dragging this poor girl up the stairs.

And she ran from him

to the top of the stairs,

and she had her hand on the banister,

and he just got there! He was so quick!

And I ran into this closet to hide,

but I could see through the keyhole.

She had her hand on the banister,

and he just took out this knife,

and he just whacked off her hand!

I saw it falling in front of the keyhole.

And then she fainted,

and he took her into the room with the rest of the girls,

and I just ran.

I just ran off!

I had to tell my father and my brothers.

They'd know what to do. They were policemen.

So I waited for them to come home,

and then I told them

Mr. Fox isn't what he seems to be.

They wouldn't believe me. Do you know what they said?

They said, "You're an old maid,

and you want to be an old maid.

You're pushing away the one man who ever wanted you."

They wouldn't listen to me,

so I had to think of a way to prove it.

Well, and that night,

Mr. Fox came knocking at my door,

and he said, "Mary,

you didn't come over the other night.

Don't you like me anymore?"

And I said, "Oh, my dear Mr. Fox,

I wasn't feeling well,

and I had no way of telling you.

Well, I don't want you to be angry.

Won't you please stay for dinner?"

And he stayed.

And after dinner, I said, "You know,

I had the strangest dream, Mr. Fox,

and it was about you.

Do you mind if I tell you about it?"

And he said, "No, of course not."

I said, "You know, I dreamt

that I went to come see you at your house,

and nobody was there. I knocked.

And I came in, and I went up the stairs,

and there was this door at the top of the stairs.

Didn't want to open it,

but there was something

that compelled me to turn the knob,

and I did,

and there they were, all those missing girls,

all dead and hanging on meat hooks."

And you know what Mr. Fox said,

trying to be so calm?

"Oh, Mary,

that wasn't a dream.

That was a nightmare."

You know what I said? I said, "Mr. Fox,"

even calmer than him,

"that wasn't a dream.

That wasn't a nightmare.

That was true."

( sniffs )

And my father and my brother

didn't even have to say a word.

They just jumped on him,

and they dragged him out back, out to the valley

and to the old oak tree,

and they hung him.

And those are the last lies you'll tell to any woman,

my Mr. Fox.

That Mr. Fox had more women's clothes

than your downtown Macy's.

Sister Mary had a hell of a garage sale

after we hung him.

Least she got something out of the engagement.

Never did get that gal hitched.

She'll be nine years older than God

'fore she finds the right man.

Ghost?

Ghosts don't bother us up here

at Tuesday Hill Boneyard.

Nah, ghosts is nice folks.

Come up here and take residence

in one of these six-foot bungalows

and put on that wooden kimono,

and they're through, and that's that.

No, it's the mourners that cause all the trouble

and the tourists,

yeah, and the kids up here on a Saturday night dare

and the winos

and the weirdoes, like...

...like Cousin Sandy here.

Yeah, she ought to be glad

to get out of here while she's still alive,

but no.

"The plot's paid for," says she,

and she's staying.

"Ain't nothing again' it in the contract.

I'm homesteading," says she.

Says she's going to be up here till--

till her husband comes along

to take up the lease.

Sandy: I used to be pretty.

( chuckles )

It's hard to tell now, but--

but I was.

I was pretty enough

that he married me.

First, I thought he loved me.

Oh, I liked all them pretty things he gave me.

Then I realized all them pretty things

was just so I'd look good,

so that-- so that other men would be jealous of him.

I was just something he owned.

After a while, I got to wondering

why he didn't just shoot me

and stuff me.

Well, he could wheel me around.

He could put me wherever he wanted me to be.

( wind blowing )

And then one morning, I got up,

and I looked in the mirror,

and I saw those lines around my eyes.

And it wasn't long after that I noticed his eyes.

( chuckles )

And his eyes, they were following

every pretty girl that came into the room.

And then he stopped coming home at night,

and I knew where he was.

I also knew that--

that it was just a matter of time

before he threw me out,

like an old dog.

And then the fever came.

( chuckles )

Folks was just lying down and dying,

and I got it.

I woke up one morning,

and I was all running with sweat,

and I could hardly get my head up off the pillow.

I kept calling his name...

...but he didn't come.

See, he's afraid he was going to get it from me.

So was the cook who took care of me.

I don't know how many days I lay there,

and then one morning, I woke up,

and I was cool,

and I knew I was going to live.

Well, I called his name...

...but no sound came out of my mouth,

and my lips didn't move,

and when I tried to lift my head up over the pillow...

...my muscles wouldn't work.

I couldn't even move my eyes.

And then the cook came in, and--

and she was yelling that I was dead.

Well, he stuck his head in the door...

...and there was such a look of...

relief on his face.

I thought, "Oh, no, I'm not dead.

You get a doctor."

Well, they did.

They got a doctor,

and I lie there

while that quack said I was dead.

And then the cook,

she started putting this dress on me,

and I thought to myself...

"They're not really going to bury me."

I lie there terrified

when four of his friends came in

and picked me up

and carried me out into the parlor and...

laid me in that casket.

I could feel the satin

all around my neck and shoulders.

And they left the lid up,

so I could see the flowers and the candlelight.

And then my husband came

and bent over me

and kissed me like he cared.

If I could have moved a muscle,

I would have bit right through them lips.

And then they picked me up, and--

and they carried me out of the house,

and I knew where they were going to take me.

They were going to take me up on the hill...

...to the graveyard.

All the way up that hill,

I kept shouting at him inside my head.

I kept saying, "Please, this is wrong."

But they didn't stop,

not till they got to the top of the hill,

and when they stopped,

you know, I-- I could feel 'em

easing something underneath that coffin,

and-- and I knew what it was.

I been to funerals.

And then they slowly

lowered me down into that hole.

( wood creaking )

And it didn't stop till I felt that bump...

...when I hit the bottom of the grave.

And then I--

I just kept screaming

and screaming inside my head...

...till I heard that first shovelful of dirt

"Oh, God!

They're going to bury me alive!"

I don't remember what happened next...

...till I woke up.

See, I was gasping for breath,

and I was all sweaty,

and then I realized,

"There's not much air in here,

and I better take real shallow breaths

and just pray that somebody comes to save me."

So I just-- I just lie here

taking shallow breaths and praying harder

than I've ever prayed before in my life.

And that's when I heard the shovel,

and I knew it was my husband.

In spite of everything he'd ever done,

he did care about me,

'cause he knew I was alive,

and he was digging me free.

I just lie a-waiting to look up at his face.

But when that coffin lid came open,

that wasn't my husband's face I saw.

That was some old drunk I'd seen around town.

Now, how could that old drunk know that I was alive?

And then he was ripping

at the necklace around my neck

till I heard the chain snap.

He hadn't dug me up to save me.

He dug me up to rob me.

And then he was pulling at the ring on my finger,

but my fingers were all swollen,

and the ring wouldn't come off.

And then I saw that...

knife in the moonlight.

He was going to cut my finger.

I felt the stab of that knife,

and-- and then I just screamed!

The pain of the knife,

it snapped me right out of it.

I let out that yell, and I sat up in this coffin,

and-- and that man--

( laughs )

That man, he leaped out of this grave,

and he ran like a rabbit.

Oh, if he'd only known.

I wanted to bring him back and kiss him.

He'd just saved my life.

Well, now I wanted to get on down the hill

and let my husband know that I was alive.

So I got up out of that grave...

...and I came on down the hill.

The house was black...

...'cause it was the middle of the night.

When I got down to the front door,

well, I started banging on it,

and suddenly an upstairs window opened,

and he stuck his head out.

He was just about to yell at me

when he realized who it was.

Then all of a sudden, he let out this yelp,

and he slammed that window.

I said, "Get on down here, and let me in!"

Well, it took him an awful long time

to get down them stairs,

and when he did, he didn't open that door.

Next thing I hear,

he's shoving furniture up against it.

Well, I went over to the window,

and I started banging on that window.

I said, "It's cold out here.

Open up that door!"

Next thing I know,

he's shoving furniture up against the window.

And then I can hear him in there,

and he's...

jabbering about ghosts.

Well, I thought, "I'm no ghost.

Open up this door."

That's when I heard

the woman's voice answering him.

So I-- I came back on up here to my grave.

I just sat here for a while

trying to figure out what I was going to do.

And then it came to me,

and I knew exactly what I was going to do.

See, I got a real good view of the house

from up here on this hill,

and every time that man

sticks his head out of a door or a window,

why, I just come down this hill,

flapping and moaning,

and he leaps right back into that house.

By the time I get done with that man--

( laughs )

I tell you true,

one of us is really

going to be ready for this grave.

( laughing )

Hey, you want to see one honey of a gravestone?

Well, do you? Well, keep your shirt on.

Look over here at this one.

I take particular care of this one,

'cause it belongs to one of my favorite relatives,

Uncle Albert.

Uncle Albert was particularly fond of this monument,

'cause it was kind of quiet and off in a corner,

just like Uncle Albert when he was alive.

'Cause, you see, Uncle Albert was a hermit,

and he lived in a little shack

out behind Papa Keel's farm.

Now, folks in that backcountry part of North Carolina

said Albert was "tetched in the head,"

but, to me, he was a marvel.

'Cause, you see, Uncle Albert

taught me all the manly things.

He taught me how to track game in the woods

and which plants you could eat

and which ones would kill you.

And Uncle Albert taught me

how to shoot a .22-caliber rifle.

But the day come

when I had to prove my manhood to Uncle Albert,

'cause, you see,

the woods and fields around that part

had become infected with a blight

of supernatural phenomena.

Just the night before,

Uncle Albert had seen a shadowy form

slipping out of Papa Keel's barn

with something under its arm,

and when we went out to investigate,

one of Papa Keel's newborn lambs was missing,

and then we went out into the light

of the full moon and on the night air,

we heard a hideous baying sound like--

( howls )

And then we looked,

and there, there on the ground,

was footprints,

big old monster footprints.

It was the sign of the werewolf.

The very next morning,

Uncle Albert looks me right in the eye

and says, "Bobby boy,

today's the day you prove you're a man."

And then he took that old, dilapidated

.22-caliber single-shot rifle off its peg on the wall,

and he rummages around in a box

till he comes up with a silver .22-caliber bullet.

He says, "Go find that werewolf,

and bring it home."

I say, "Uncle Albert, how do I find it?"

He says, "Dumbbell,

if they put your brains in a jaybird,

it'd fly back'ards.

Go out, and pick up them tracks in the soft ground,

and follow them tracks till you come

to the last pair of them tracks, and look there.

There'll be a werewolf standing in 'em.

Shoot him, and bring him home for supper."

I took that .22-caliber silver bullet

and stuck it in that rifle, and off I went,

stepping high and proud as a rooster in deep mud.

I followed them tracks. I came out of the woods.

I looked across the cow pasture,

and sure enough, there on the other side

was that werewolf bending over

and eating something nasty.

But it was-- it was too far

for me to get a good shot.

I'd have to sneak across that cow pasture.

Folks, there are two ways

to sneak across a cow pasture.

The first way is to look ahead

at where you're going.

The second way is to look down

at what you are about to step in.

I was not looking down.

The next thing I knew,

my foot hit into something real slickery.

Both feet went out from underneath me.

I landed right smack on my butt.

The rifle discharged.

The bullet sped up into the air

and plowed right through a whole flock

of vampire bats that was flying over,

knocked down about two dozen.

Vampire bats was a-falling and a-screeching

and a-flapping to beat all,

scared that werewolf plumb away.

But I didn't mind, 'cause Uncle Albert

just as soon eat crispy fried vampire bat

as soon as some smelly werewolf.

So there I was picking up vampire bats

and a-sticking 'em in my pocket

when, all of a sudden, I heard a noise...

- ...a hideous roar.

I looked over in the woods, and--

and there, coming out of the woods at me

was a-- was a monster.

I-- I can barely stand to describe it.

It had the body of a lion

and eagle's wings growing out of its back

and the face of a woman

and a big old mouth full of teeth.

It was a sphinx monster,

and it was coming right for me.

I turned to run the other way, and--

and there, coming out of the woods on the other side,

was another monster.

This one was a great big, old, tall green thing,

all made up of different human body parts

all sewed and bolted together.

It was a Frankenstein monster,

and it was ugly.

( music stops )

It was so ugly, it could squat

behind a pine tree and hatch monkeys.

- I was caught in between 'em.

I didn't know what to do.

The sphinx monster got to me first.

Its mouth was wide open.

I didn't know what to do. I--

I stuck my arm down its throat.

That surprised it.

But it had that whatchamacallit,

that momentum, and it kept coming up my arm

and kept coming up my arm,

and I kept pushing and pushing

until my hand popped out its other end.

That really surprised it,

so it started to back up real quick,

and I just grabbed on real tight

and pulled as hard as I could,

and, folks, I snatched that sucker inside out.

Repulsive.

That inside-out sphinx monster

went a-galumphing off through the woods,

but I didn't have time to savor my triumph,

'cause just at that moment,

Frankenstein reached me,

and he put his big old clammy green hands

around my neck, and he said,

"Say your prayers, boy,

'cause I'm going to eat you up."

So I got down on my knees to pray.

- "O Lord,

thou knowest that when I killed Count Dracula

and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

that I did it out of self-defense.

And thou knowest, O Lord,

that when I cut the heart out of Godzilla

and strewed the ground

with the brains of Jack the Ripper

that it was forced upon me.

And now, O Lord, I am forced

to put this poor, miserable green critter

back into his coffin.

O Lord, have mercy on his soul."

And then I got up real reluctantlike,

started opening up my barlow knife.

I looked over,

and Frankenstein was scared to death.

He was just a-shaking all over like a wet dog.

He was shaking so hard,

little body parts was falling all off of him,

ears a-and fingers and nuts and bolts.

I bent down and picked up one of the bolts

and put it in my pocket, and I brought it here today

for you folks to see, just in case

you don't believe I was telling the truth.

Then I looked at Frankenstein,

and he was so sorrowful,

like to broke my heart.

So I patted him on the head

and gave him a hankie to blow his nose with,

and he looked up at me with them puppy-dog eyes,

and I knowed I'd made a friend for life.

So me and Frankenstein

sat down on a log to chew a little fat,

dip a little snuff.

Let me tell you folks something.

Your Frankenstein ain't your little pinch

between your cheek and gum snuffer.

No, sir.

Your Frankenstein is your flat-out,

low-slung, bottom-lip-full dipper.

So there we was,

just a-getting to know one another

when, all of a sudden,

a big shadow falls over us.

- It was the werewolf.

And there he was,

a-rising up out of the grass and coming at us real slow

and grinning like unto a possum.

( gasping )

Well, that werewolf had fangs

as big as a rattlesnake,

a-and when one of them critters bites you,

first you turn blue, and then you turn yellow,

and then your hair falls out,

and then your fingernails fall off,

and then you're dead as a doornail

'fore you can take two steps,

and the only way to keep him off of you

is to drink lots of whiskey,

which is why they have so many drunks

in that part of North Carolina.

But me and Frankenstein,

we didn't have no whiskey on us that day,

and we knew we were in for a fight.

Oh, it was a knock-down, drag-out,

toe-to-toe, hand-to-hand combat.

We clawed and bit and scratched and kicked,

and I know me and Frankenstein

was getting whupped for sure.

But just for a moment,

I got that wolf-man's arms pinned down,

and I yelled, "Run for it, Frankie! Run for it!"

And Frankenstein, he got clean away.

But as for me,

as for me, folks,

well, first it bit me all over my body,

and then-- and then that werewolf ate me.

It gobbled me up.

Now, I know you probably don't believe this is true.

Sounds like a tall tale,

and I know you admire a man

who will tell the truth

under any and all circumstances,

but don't you just hate a liar?

You know, we got enough kinfolk around here

to have us a family reunion,

and nothing Cousin Julia likes better

than an old-fashioned family reunion.

Doesn't matter to her

if the family's living or-- or dead.

She had a court order

to get her husband Jack dug up,

says she's going to have a family reunion

or die trying.

( sighs )

Hell, ain't midnight ever coming?

It'll be all right, Jack.

The time is almost here.

Only a few minutes more, sweetheart.

Then I am going to bring you back to life.

It'll be all right. You'll see.

All my wishes will be undone.

And, Jack, when you know the truth,

you'll forgive me,

because I never meant to kill you.

He will forgive me.

I was only doing what was best for us.

He'll see that.

And I never even would have made the wishes.

Only, we were so poor.

And, you know, when you first get married,

it's kind of challenging,

but after a while, being poor is trying.

Spaghetti all the time.

Thrift-store clothes.

Okay, so I wished for money,

for goodies.

Hell, you want 'em, too.

And, anyway, it wasn't just for me.

Jack was frustrated, too.

He was so talented,

but there were so many musicians

and songwriters in Nashville.

I did this for you, too, honey. I did.

( sighs )

I look okay, don't I?

I cut my hair, you know,

but Jack'll like it.

We haven't seen each other in so long.

I miss him.

He always treated me so special,

supportive of everything,

except my magic.

He never really approved of that.

You see, I was always interested in the occult,

reading everything I could get my hands on.

By the time I was a teenager,

I was even doing a little witchcraft.

Oh, nothing major, just a little spell

to get an A on a test I hadn't studied for

or to attract a certain boy I had my eye on,

stuff like that.

Anyways, by the time I was in college

and Jack and I started dating,

we were so much in love.

Magic wasn't necessary.

But then, honey, you got so depressed

over not finding enough gigs,

and then we started arguing all the time,

and I got scared.

Married people that argue like that

sometimes get divorced,

and, Jack, I didn't want to lose you.

( sighs )

Do I look okay?

Is my dress all right?

I mean, I-I don't know what's appropriate

for bringing somebody back to life.

Time's going so slow.

God.

Anyway, Jack and me,

we had this awful, awful fight,

and I just knew I had to get out of the apartment,

so I went downtown,

and I just happened upon

this little store of the occult.

Actually, it was an old haunt of mine,

and it was all dusty,

and it had that funny kind of smell

that, uh, old things sometimes get.

It was the kind of place that would make you feel

like there was buried treasure

underneath all of that stuff.

This time, there was.

Under all that stuff--

Ouija boards, "I Chings,"

tarot cards--

I found this old, old book.

I had to strain to read the cover.

Anyway, I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was "Triple Heart's Desire."

Well, anyone who knows anything about witchcraft

knows this book,

but hardly anyone has ever seen it.

It is supposed to have magical powers.

I mean, I didn't even know

if it was real or just a legend,

but there I was in this little store

holding this book in my hand,

and holding that book,

I felt like it was calling my name.

It was going, "Julia.

Buy me, Julia.

I'm the answer to all your problems."

That's all I was trying to do, sweetheart,

was solve some of our problems.

I mean, if I knew what was going to happen,

I never would have made that first wish.

Oh, heck.

I got dirt on me.

Do I look okay?

I mean, I want to look pretty for Jack.

He's got to think I look great.

Well, it was partly your fault anyway.

If you hadn't have yelled at me

for spending all that money on the book,

and then you ran off to the bar like that.

Well, you would have opened the book.

You would have summoned the powers like I did.

Be honest now.

You would have.

You know, I never thought

a spirit would be that solid.

I could see her just like I could see my own hand,

after I got used to the dazzling light, that is.

She was just a tiny spirit,

this shrunk-up little woman in a long, old gown.

She was sitting on top of the bookcase

like she owned the place.

Anyway, even though she looked ancient,

her face, it was kind of pretty.

And her eyes,

her eyes were--

they were kind of--

I don't know, secretlike.

And when she spoke,

her voice, it was so young.

"I am Taliana,

the spirit you summoned

to grant three heart's desires," she said.

"Three wishes I grant you.

Think carefully."

Well, hell, I didn't have to think carefully.

I knew what I wanted.

I wanted to be rich,

I wanted a Cadillac,

I wanted a house of my own

and lots of pretty clothes

and all of that stuff.

So that's what I wished for.

Well, that spell sure did work fast.

Taliana had hardly disappeared,

and Jack came running up the stairs,

whooping and hollering.

His band had just got signed on

to do this deal at this hot new club

to play for three months,

and that's how it started.

Jack's career skyrocketed.

They were playing everywhere.

His records were reaching the top of the charts.

He-- we were rich,

just like I wished.

We had it all.

But Jack was so busy working and touring,

we never saw each other.

Then there was all those pretty little groupies

just dying to get into bed with him.

So, sweetheart, I got scared.

I just didn't want to lose you,

and I thought, well, if we could just have some time together,

then everything would be okay.

That's all I was trying to do with my second wish,

was buy us some time to patch things up.

So I summoned Taliana,

and I asked her for three months with Jack

to renew our love,

but without ruining his career.

Well, hardly had I finished

when an ambulance came wailing up the driveway.

A drunk driver had hit Jack's car.

His leg was broke in two places.

The doctor said he would be just fine

if he stayed home in bed for three months

with his leg in a cast and traction.

I got my wish.

Jack wasn't going anywhere

for 90 whole days.

He was all mine.

( chuckles ) It was so good.

We were together night and day.

If it wasn't for the damn traction,

it would almost be like a second honeymoon.

But even with the traction, we sort of managed.

It was so good.

I gave the maid lots of time off

so's me and Jack would be alone in the house together.

The final week, I just told her to take off altogether.

That afternoon, I cooked him a real special lunch

in our new microwave oven.

Everything was real nice.

All I did was go out of the house

for 45 minutes, just down to the dry cleaners

and the market. It was no big deal.

When I got back, there was fire trucks

in the driveway, and--

and the house,

the house--

there was paramedics in the driveway...

and the male body,

its leg dangling in a cast

with traction ropes.

I wouldn't have even recognized Jack,

except for the cast.

He was so badly burned.

The firemen said that it was caused

by faulty wiring in the microwave oven.

Jack hadn't had a chance, they said.

The smoke had killed him

before the fire even reached his body.

Jack's death was my fault.

If he hadn't have been caught in traction ropes

because of my stupid wish,

he'd still be alive.

I killed him.

I killed him.

But now...

I am going to bring him back to life.

After the funeral and all,

I summoned Taliana for my final wish.

She came in a blaze of light

and asked me what might-- was my heart's desire.

I said, "I want to be reunited with Jack.

I want Jack to live again."

She was thoughtful for a minute.

She frowned and said...

"That's a compound wish.

You're trying to get four wishes instead of three,

and three is the limit."

"No," I said, "no.

All I want is for Jack and me to be together again."

She thought for a moment and said,

"If you are sure that is what you truly desire,

it is as you wish it."

I said, "Yes, yes, it is what I want."

"Very well."

Taliana disappeared,

leaving me with a list of instructions,

and here I am,

almost at the stroke of midnight

and when Jack and I will be reunited.

I will open the coffin lid,

I'll kiss Jack,

and then w-we'll be together again always.

( bell tolling )

My God,

it's that time!

Do I look all right?

Am I okay?

( tolling ends )

By Taliana's powers,

it is as I wish it.

Jack...

sweetheart...

( gasping )

Taliana, you promised.

We will be together always,

not I with you up there,

rather you here with me.

Looks like Cousin Julia got her heart's desire,

but we like to oblige

up here at the Tuesday Hill Boneyard.

( keyboard playing )

- ( music ends ) - ( wind blowing )

( wolf howls )