Original subtitles

stepped on your dick

Hello, my name is Ron Jeremy.

Now, when Hollywood Video asked me to come down and watch what they had done,

series of bloopers for entertainment pleasure, I laughed my ass off.

In fact, I'm still looking for it. It's somewhere around this office.

I don't know if I can sit for a week until I find it.

Anyway, I don't know what I was in for. This thing is hysterical. Take apart a

series of bloopers with this on -camera and off -camera mishap, funny dialogue

scenes, funny sex scenes, things that go wrong, all for you to watch and to

laugh at and enjoy.

So. Why did they choose me, you ask yourself?

Maybe you really don't care.

Maybe I know you're fast -forwarding this one. What is this jerk going to get

off the screen so I can watch some sex?

But if you are wondering, I'll tell you, because I'm in the majority of the

bloopers. They insult the daylights out of me. How many performers get a chance

to see themselves totally ridiculed and slammed on screen and laugh about it?

I'll laugh at it like this.

You know, I was once a skinny guy with a decent body, and I used to get laid

with a bunch of pretty women.

I gained a little weight, got jealous, got heavy, got a little hairy.

They're making jokes at me. They're making fun of me.

You know, I see the signs, I walk in to do a job at a sex scene, I see signs

saying, save the world.

That's not really funny.

But in any case, you guys are in for a real treat because you're going to see

some bloopers coming up right now for your entertainment pleasure, followed by

nice, exciting sex scene for your penile pleasure.

So hold on to your hats, grab your crotch, stay tuned, and here we go!

You know, you should know.

That's what I know, but this is the first video that he knows.

You know, when I go to Europe, it's like I cut way down.

it's really hard for me to introduce this young lady that she she likes she

changes her name as often as ron jenner changes his underwear once in a while

you know what i mean we're gonna review another one of harvard's video farm

films and it's called sweet young things

This next scene is also from Claw From Behind, Part 11,

and it features this cute young star named Mark Wallace, who a lot of women

sticking in the behind because he has a perfect shaped dick.

little curved little thing they call him the human butt plug with him is

caranova sexy long -legged skinny erotic actress and with them in a dp scene is

curly -haired dark -skinned chunky

portly

I'll say, well, I didn't live with something like, like, yeah, I just, I

like I'm just sitting here saying, ooh, ah, and you know, when I, when I really

do it, make love, don't you move around a lot, you know?

I've never lived that goddamn thing down.

Everybody says that to me. Amber pays the rent.

This is hard to do like this.

You think you can get over the fence with your hands full like that?

Good.

Hey, baby.

That was fine. Who cares?

No. Wait a minute. All right.

I don't know if it's in the chair.

No, stay right there. Okay.

Keep that like that. All right, can I go?

I'll sit on the chair.

Oh, by the way, I'm going to Scott. Nice to meet you.

Oh, that's really well. Mm -hmm.

Bald hot dogs and beans are good because it gets all the impurities out your

system. If I had a White Castle cheeseburger, 75 of them when you're

next morning you just...

Lose everything.

Stop the fuck up.

Why don't you get out of my face, bitch?

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Oh, hi there, gang.

Hey, you brought a friend.

Hubert, this is Billy Blue.

Billy Blue, this is Hubert.

Hi.

Hi.

That was good. That was hilarious.

Hi, I'm back.

Just when you thought it was space to turn up your VCR.

Well, listen carefully now. Hope you enjoyed that.

Wild bunch of shit, ain't it?

Coming up with something I've never seen.

These are a series of bloopers on me.

The guys told me I'm really going to get a kick out of it, and I'm looking

forward to seeing it. They say it's a little insulting.

Well, we're all going to find out together, so stay tuned.

Let's watch.

I think he should put the legs up.

I never can get enough.

I mean, if all I have is to put it on and write you over, you've got to check

with any girl you like.

Such a pretty girl. I'm just lost.

I've got to get out. We've got to go in there and check it out. Why do you care?

If you only have a penis in the back of this house, it has to belong to her

husband. Sit up hard in and out.

Done.

Don't just watch it. Go back to work.

You know what, I love her, but she's crazy. I think a nice couple like you

look at another couple out of sex. It can be like an adelaide. You can enjoy

I definitely thought it was safe to go back to the anal spank that we get to in

another exciting scene coming up. Let's look at some quotes from behind 11.

And this features, excuse me, beautiful black -haired raven.

That's the girl herself.

With portly, glittering idiot lip dick, Gary Butler.

Put it in her ass right now. Here we go. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? That's a lovely

area you have. You'll have a very good time.

I don't need a fetish with you. With that schmuck, Jerry Butler. Right.

Where are you going? I want to come.

You like him. Look at that face.

He's the man with a social disease.

Sweetheart, take him in the fog hole. It really gets him. In fact, there could

be a lot of pleasure out of this. Maybe you can't sit for a week. Who said that?

I can imagine showing your husband on your honeymoon night. Welcome back. I

good news and bad news.

First, the good news.

I saved my cherry for you. No other men, no other men.

Of course, none of them. If I told them 56 guys are my asshole, they'll go, fuck

it, hey.

New Abilene, when it's hard to get in between.

Cut. Okay.

What am I like?

He did more on your mouth than I did.

Which one tastes the worst or better?

Look, he broke.

Chinese.

Polish.

Raven was an old client, as you recall from my previous letter.

But this time she brought back a nice fellow.

as compared to the schmuck she had last time. Yeah, Jerry Butler.

Damn.

You want to see my, uh, $50 bill?

Come on, I have to do it for $20 at McDonald's. I have $50 here somewhere,

need it.

Anybody see it? You see it?

Oh, jeez.

Whose idea was that? That is ridiculous.

Suck it, motherfucker.

Suck it, motherfucker.

Thank you.

Is it still rolling?

The

son of a

bitch! That shit isn't funny!

That's stupid!

All of my fans seeing that shit!

I don't know if I'm seeing a fucking actress spitting my sperm on my legs!

You guys got a lot of balls.

I don't think people see that.

I look ridiculous in that video, man.

I'm going to leave. I'm not going to stay for this. I'm always staying.

For the money.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I say.

They're paying me. Of course.

The almighty dollar wins again.

Oh, well.

Oh, coming up next, guys.

Once in a while, a film that I can make that you can get up now.

Hey, Dick.

Once in a while, a film that... That's our editor.

and stayed dead.

Man's very talented. He promised himself.

I don't know, he's very talented. Nice to meet you. Anyway, once in a while, a

filmmaker makes a mistake of having a lunch of hamburgers, onions, refried

beans, prune daisies, jalapeno peppers, and apple juice and prune juice and

stood apricot. This is lunchtime.

Naturally, what happens is something that sounds like this.

Okay? Yes, the actors on the set pass wind, let gas, park, box at the chief.

Anything you want to call it, a rose by any of the names would smell just as

sweet. So, coming up now, you're really looking forward to this, aren't you,

folks? Our bloopers and featuring sparks.

Now, you folks are sitting there going, hey, still going to watch an exciting

porno film. You got your girl next to you. What kind of porno film is this?

wants to see a bunch of grown adults let gas?

Well, you've watched the Hollywood videotape. I didn't. Stay tuned.

Quietly. Quiet in the room.

And... Now that we've got the real fussing out of the way, let's go to the

tent and go.

Do you?

If you really want me up your butt, you're gonna have to wink at me.

Oh.

Oh,

yeah.

How

did

Beverly play for a good, nice fart?

Colin, check it out.

Where is everything?

Where is it?

Go ahead and roll.

Put me twice.

Take the whole bottle in. Put the whole bottle in, yeah.

Like that?

Like that?

No, wait.

Ouch!

What did you do?

I didn't put any crack inside of you.

You did nothing.

I meant

she

was gone, man. Wait a minute.

What are you laughing for?

He was gone.

Did he leave anything behind?

Ain't nothing but a little vomit.

Like my mom.

Okay, here we go.

I'm concerned someone could come in any minute now.

I'm concerned.

Then she was gone.

Okay.

Do it. That's what I'm talking about Jeremy.

Charlie, the man behind you on the tower. And, of course, we have our

buddy John down there on the carpet. And I'm the... Get up!

Get up!

Get up! Fuck!

What am I seeing?

You're just coming out of black belt.

And so is my thing.

You don't have to say much. Just, you know, a little groan and groan.

You're looking at me with a left eye, but you're looking at that...

I'm just developing some sort of brain detection for you. Why, that's, uh,

that's funny because, uh... Or it could just be I'm hungry.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh,

yeah. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, it keeps moving.

Should I let it give you?

Yeah, you really should. I mean, you know, I'm...

I'm not such a bad guy. Maybe not.

Okay.

Let's see what he's made of.

Look at that butt.

Now look at your buddy.

And cut.

Oh, very funny.

He wanted me to get at the character for the last bit of scenes you saw, so I

had the whole sales staff come over here and fart in the room.

Great, guys. Let me see them for lunch.

This is the kind of stuff I've got to put up with, you know what I'm saying?

Why don't I stay?

We discussed it before.

I'm getting paid, that's why.

Now, coming up next is something very interesting, and this is no joke, folks.

One of the actors had trouble putting a rubber on. He couldn't get the

prophylaxis. He put a scumbag, a condom, on his dick. It took much too long.

They had a problem.

Then, when he got it on, he couldn't find the right hole.

You see, he was touching her whole ass, not her ass hole.

His dick was supposed to go on her ass, and he was putting it in her pussy.

So two guys were talking to pussy, and the two guys didn't know it. The

cameraman, he knew it. The girl, I hope to God she knew it. And that was it. And

so they left the scene rolling a little bit. And this is actually true stuff,

folks. We couldn't write anything this crazy. Watch.

Whoa.

You know what to do.

Put it on your back. Put it on your back.

Oh, I got it.

And roll.

Oh, God, Pam, come on. My girls, they want me out.

I need a hug, please.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh,

God.

I'm going to pop out.

It's so tight.

Oh,

God.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Too high.

Too high.

Right? Too high.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh,

God.

Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, Martha, you bring out the spurt in me.

Oh, baby.

That was a 98 .6 level.

Hello, folks.

Now, I'm going to teach you a little bit of filmography, or cinematography.

When you're an actor's face, what the rest of his body is doing, you never

really know, because they can edit it any way they like. Of course, with the

kind of editor we have, the one you met before, anything's possible.

So they can cut from face to body to hands to feet.

For example, after the actor's... Come on.

For example, stop.

As an example, after an actor does a tongue shot, you never really know.

I mean, they get the facial reactions afterwards.

So that when you're seeing the actor, when he's making the facial expressions,

or the actress, her facial expressions, nothing even has to be happening.

But the audience doesn't know this. This is a lesson in filmmaking.

So stay tuned, and you'll see exactly how it's done, and you'll see how we

out the audience, not meaning to.

Got you again!

I can't fucking do this, brother. That's good luck. We got all that we need.

I'm hanging around with my

license too long. I'm always stuck in the back of the bus. You know, it's

that.

That homosexual left my house using Baker.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I call a shower.

Stop doing that, boy.

I used to do this. I used to do this. It was nasty and

gross. Here, here, here. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's it?

That's it. Very nice.

Oh, God.

Oh shit.

Oh, do you hear phones?

Oh, damn it.

Oh, baby.

You know what?

For as long as you live that way, I'll hold me just on the right side of you.

All right, ready or don't.

Have a nice time.

Did you?

Did you?

Did you have a nice time, too? Bye.

He's lying.

Hiya

I don't want to say anything that you're an idiot. When I said any time, I meant

for transition.

Well, let's go for reaction then.

Don't overplay it, Don.

Now, folks, sometimes actors enjoy their work. There are times that actors don't

enjoy their work so much. There are times that it's kind of undecided.

What you're about to see is Book Adams always enjoys his work, and you'll see

why and how.

Fahrenheit occasionally enjoys her work. In this particular case, he didn't.

She didn't really understand Fallon's natural juices.

Let's see what I'm talking about.

Speaking of flowing, Raven did not enjoy her day at the beach.

with the flowing water and waves you're about to see why there too so stay tuned

Yeah, right end, Ali.

Come on.

Oh, God.

Doesn't that turn you on?

Where are you going? I want to come.

I think I'm gonna have to dance back down.

We're gonna, we're gonna pop through.

Keep it up, baby.

I just made Charlie get away with something.

Oh, thank God. Damn it, now I gotta do another one.

Oh,

I wanted to come in now.

Thank you.

it's no like i told you chief most powerful one i was like at the surf

championships when we was talking about you know how about you not me

we

know

you're an idiot you're kind of playing on the scene but so what i am going this

is by the way what i was doing because i'm looking sweet And then we come out,

and my eyes just really get loud.

Okay, go ahead. Right, go ahead.

I'm going to ask you meatballs just one more time.

Did you have some sex with Nurse Emily? Did you?

No, no.

Did you?

Nurse who?

Emily, my nurse.

Um, all right.

I have an impersonation for you.

This is my impersonation of a one -night stand.

Now, if Peter North, this kind of joke wouldn't work, you see.

Because if Peter

North has an orgasm, you have to duck.

You can't hang out to the chandeliers, duck.

Because in him, we call him the decorator. He flows and flows and flows.

He decorates the female's anatomy, whether it be face.

arm, leg, limb, shoulders, any kind of body part, he's going to bathe it in

spermatozoa, this little baby Peter North's cells running around amidst the

milky fluid substance.

Now, what you're about to see, if you can stomach this, the ladies have just

left the room, is Peter North doing some nasty cum shots.

Of all the guys in the business, and I hate to say this, even compared to me,

this man can out -orgasm anyone.

And just, it's nasty.

It's gooey.

And you're about to see it yourself on your TV screen. Watch this.

Am I right, Sam?

Yeah, I'm right.

I can see it in your eyes.

But we're strange.

I was taking a look.

Because she was so turned on by me.

I mean, I didn't do anything.

Okay, okay.

You know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying.

No, Larry.

We've got actors and actors who forget their lines.

We have sounds of cameramen and directors off camera yelling directions

laughing and giggling.

We have crew members jumping into scenes and hanging out with the talent.

All this is coming up right now. This is porno for your mind, porno for your

crotch. Family entertainment.

Exciting material that you can laugh at.

Watch this.

Oh, well, you know, I really don't... Don't you

listen to me. I don't want to hear your bullshit.

That is your line. Okay.

What do you want?

Motherfuckers. Oh, well.

Poor Athens. Poor Athens. Poor Athens.

Poor Athens. Poor Athens. Poor Athens.

All right. Me take shower. Me take shower all the time because me

play volleyball. You're very funky.

Hey, you know, America.

Oh, that'd be good.

You're rolling.

Wait a minute.

The man is the imposter.

He's the imposter.

Get him out. Get him out.

No, he's Uncle Tom.

Let me get him hard

There you go, you like that?

Made myself sick.

Keep watching.

Guys, I'd rather see the nookie than look at me.

You ain't lying to that boy.

All right, well, let's go.

Yeah, okay.

Boys better know when.

No.

No.

What's going on?

Fuck you, Charlie.

Oh, I'm lying now.

After that, Charlie, what's the first line?

What was it?

You don't want to come back in there. No, don't come in. It's from behind the

door. What is the first line?

Stop looking.

Oh, man, there's just fucking pressure.

Thanks,

Baldy.

Get back in makeup, you little bitch. You, get the fuck out of here. Hey, man,

she told me it was okay.

Hey, fuck you, you fat piece of shit.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Fuck you, dude. Hey, I'm really sorry. You just made me lose a fucking job. I'm

sorry. I knew this was going to fucking happen.

Hey, it was good for me.

Yeah, it was good for me, too.

I'm using the old man.

Yeah, I'd love to be inside the car right now.

Here, come on. Go through. Oh, you've got to push in from here.

This is a break.

Here we go.

Well, bad news, folks.

We're over.

And I'm not going to sit here and let the credits roll over my fat fucking

I'm going to get out of here.

After spending a couple hours here, I got paperwork, editing, things to do,

notes.

Yeah, who am I kidding?

I want to get laid.

After watching all this stuff, I got a little horny, you know? Felt a little

rise in my Levi's.

So I'll leave you folks with this.

If you enjoyed this tape...

Tell your friends about it. Tell them you rented or bought it from Hollywood

Videos. And if you didn't like the tape, tell them you rented it from one of

their competitors.

See ya.

Hope you had a good time.

Did you cut yet?

Oh, you guys are fucking crazy, man. Where are the bloopers? Come on, man.

guys are... Oh, yeah.

Talk to my better half. Yeah. Talk to my dick.