Original subtitles

OKAY. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FUCKING A PURPLE ELEPHANT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S NOT HERE? WE HAVE CUSTOMERS, MISSY.

I'M SORRY, MR. MOONEY. I'LL GO CHECK UPSTAIRS.

GOD, I'M GONE FOR ONE DAY, THE PLACE TURNS INTO INDONESIA.

- OH, JANE. OH, JANE. - JANE?

JANIE WANIE. JANIE WANIE! JANE?

- [ Grunts ] - OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU OKAY?

- YES, I'M FINE. - WHAT IS GOING ON?

NOTHING. I'M JUST A LITTLE FRANTIC.

I HAVE A MILLION THINGS TO DO TODAY. AND I'M DIZZY. I'M SO DIZZY.

WELL, MR. MOONEY IS DOWNSTAIRS AND HE IS P-I-S-E-D.

"PISED?"

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? - I WAS UPSTAIRS TAKING INVENTORY.

YEAH, MY AUNT FANNY.

- EW. - [ Phone Ringing ]

GALLINI'S. [ Courtney, Enthusiastically ] HELLO. IS JANE THERE?

YES, SHE IS. HAVE A LOVELY DAY.

HELLO?

[ Christina, Courtney Screaming Over Speakerphone ] JANIE! JANIE!

SORRY, GUYS. I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. I'M REALLY BUSY.

[ Together ] WE WERE JUST WONDERING--

� DO YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN ��

- [ Grunts ] - SHIT.

�� [ Radio: Rock ]

OH, SHIT. SHIT. WHAT?

I DROPPED THE-THE THINGY TO MY LIP GLOSS.

COULD YOU GET IT FOR ME, SWEETIE? I'LL GET IT.

IT'S TOO FAR OVER. IT'S TOO FAR OVER. I'LL GET IT.

HOLD ONTO IT. KEEP STEERING. I'LL KEEP GOING.

- YEAH, IT'S RIGHT, I BELIEVE-- - HMM?

HOO!

OH, YEAH.

- YEAH, BABY! - OH, YES.

YES! [ Moaning ]

- OH, YEAH, RIGHT THERE. - NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

OH, YOU LIKE THAT, DIRTY GIRL?

WHOO! YES! LET ME HAVE SOME OF THAT!

- OH, YES, DON'T STOP. - I'M NOT GONNA STOP.

[ Moaning ]

[ Howling ]

- [ Moans ] - [ Laughing ]

- YEAH! - YEAH.

- [ Moans ] - [ Screams ]

YES!

SHIT.

OKAY, I FOUND IT. JESUS, I ALMOST GOT SMOTHERED DOWN THERE.

SHIT. ARE YOU OKAY?

HUH? YOU GOOD?

YEAH, NO, I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD. NEVER BETTER. NEVER BETTER.

LET'S GET ON THE SAME PAGE ABOUT WHAT WE'RE GONNA SAY ONCE WE GET TO THE WEDDING.

RIGHT, RIGHT. GAME PLAN.

WALK UP TO HIM AND BE LIKE, "PETER, IS THAT YOU?

"OH, MY GOD. MY FRIEND COURTNEY, THAT HOT BABE OVER THERE,

SHE AND I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH THE BRIDE." IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? NO, I CAN BELIEVE THAT.

[ Together ] IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. FREAKY!

[ Man ] � BUT LOVE IS IN THE AIR �

� OH, WHAT A PERFECT DAY TO FLY �

� NOTHING COULD COMPARE �

� WHAT A WASTE TO GO AND WAVE GOOD-BYE �

� LOVE IS IN THE AIR �

� WHAT A PERFECT DAY TO FLY � [ Giggles ]

� NOTHING COULD COMPARE �

� WHAT A WASTE TO GO AND WAVE GOOD-BYE ��

[ Together ] AFTERNOON. OKAY, GO.

WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW. WOW! OH, WOW.

MISS VERA'S HAS PLENTY TO OFFER US, DOESN'T SHE? YES, PLENTY OF CRAP.

IT'S FABULOUS. WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

OKAY, LET'S GO. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

WELCOME TO MY STORE. CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, WE WERE JUST BROWSING. WE'RE OKAY. THANKS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.

BYE. YOU DON'T LIKE MY STORE, DO YOU?

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL. OH, NO, NO.

- IT'S REALLY A LOVELY STORE. WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING-- - A LITTLE BIT MORE SPECIFIC.

THE NEXT DRESS STORE IS 20 MILES FROM HERE.

TWENTY MILES AWAY? OH, SHIT.

- WE'RE GONNA MISS THE WEDDING. PERFECT. - JUDY WEBB'S WEDDING?

I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT. I DRESSED HALF THE GUESTS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS 22, MY "BREASTUSES" WERE, LIKE,

RIGHT ABOUT THERE, NICE AND PERKY.

GRAVITY HAS TAKEN THEM TO THERE.

IT'S, LIKE, 22... 28.

TWENTY-TWO. TWENTY-EIGHT.

TWENTY-TWO... TWENTY-EIGHT. [ Courtney ] BUY SOME NEW ONES.

OKAY, WAIT, BUT WAIT. THIS IS-- J-- WAIT. NO, NO, NO, NO. LOOK IT.

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS THAT? NO, NO, NO. BUT WHAT IS THAT?

THAT, AGAIN, IS... GRAVITY. HELLO. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

KNOCK, KNOCK. ARE YOU DECENT? [ Courtney ] YEAH. YES, YES, YES, YES.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS. IT'S OUR LATEST LINE.

OH, WOW. IF YOU NEED OTHER SIZES, JUST HOLLER.

OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, VERA.

WOW. EXCELLENT. THANK YOU.

OH, MY, MY, MY, MY. JESUS.

LOOK. THAT'S NICE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DO WE HAVE TIME FOR A MOVIE MONTAGE? WELL, YOU KNOW--

� SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT �

� SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING YEAH, YEAH �

� SHOW 'EM HOW WE DO IT, NOW �

� SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING YEAH, YEAH �

� SHOW 'EM HOW WE DO IT, NOW SHOW 'EM HOW WE DO IT, NOW �

� LET'S SHOW THE WORLD WE CAN DANCE �

� BAD ENOUGH TO STRUT MY STUFF �

� THE MUSIC GIVES US A CHANCE �

� WE DO MORE OUT ON THE FLOOR �

� GROOVIN' LOOSE OR HEART TO HEART �

� WE PUT IN MOTION EVERY SINGLE PART �

� FUNKY SOUNDS WALL TO WALL �

� WE'RE BUMPIN' BOOTIES HAVIN' US A BALL, Y'ALL �

� SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING YEAH, YEAH �

� SHOW 'EM HOW WE DO IT, NOW ��

THERE YOU GO. [ Both ] OHH.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - BYE. - YOU BOTH LOOK SENSATIONAL.

THANKS TO YOUR STYLING, VERA. THANK YOU. THANK YOU TOO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ON OUR MAILING LIST? SURE.

SURE. RIGHT HERE? SURE.

- THERE. JUST SEND IT THERE. - OH, THAT'S SWEET.

MM. IT SURE IS. THANK YOU. BYE.

WE'VE GOTTA GO. YOU OKAY? OH, SHIT! OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T WALK IN THIS THING.

IT'S PAINFUL, LIKE BONDAGE. LITTLE STEPS, LITTLE STEPS.

WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.

OH, MY GOD! OH!

OH, MY GOD! THESE...

ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

THIS IS NOT DISCREET, OKAY? NO, IT ISN'T.

WE ARE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO WALK INTO A WEDDING-- COME ON. IT'S VERY LA TOYA.

I MEAN, REALLY, LOOK AT ALL THIS--

I MAY AS WELL STRAP A SIGN ON MY ASS THAT SAYS "STALKER."

OKAY? I AM NOT GOING THERE WEARING THIS OUTFIT.

SO CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO? YES. LET'S GO. LET'S GO HOME.

REALLY? YEAH. I MEAN, WE'VE DRIVEN FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS...

AND EVERYTHING, BUT, NO, LET'S GO.

PLEASE. PLEASE. I'M SERIOUS. LET'S GO. REALLY. LET'S GO.

- DON'T "REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY" ME RIGHT NOW, OKAY? - I'M NOT.

-YOU ARE. YOU'RE SO GOOD AT IT, YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT. -NO, I-- MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

COURT, THIS IS CRAZY, OKAY? THIS IS REALLY CRAZY. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING? I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOME SORT OF SIGN FROM GOD...

THAT YOU AND THIS PETER DONAHUE GUY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER.

DONAHUE? HOW DO YOU KNOW HIS LAST NAME IS DONAHUE?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SITTING ON HIS FACE.

- OH, MY GOD, IT'S HIM! HE'S SO CUTE. - YEAH. I KNOW. I KNOW.

CUTE? HE'S ADORABLE! I KNOW.

AND LOOK AT THIS: "EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES TURNS TO SOLD."

- AND HE'S FUNNY! HE'S FUNNY, TOO, SEE? - I KNOW.

[ Bell Tolling ] �� [ Organ ]

CHURCH BELLS?

[ Talking, Indistinct ]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK-- BRIDE OR GROOM'S SIDE?

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, I THINK. DID YOU MISPLACE YOUR BLADDER?

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I'M WEARING THE TIGHTEST SKIRT EVER, OKAY?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO TO THE BATHROOM. THANK YOU.

HI. COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE THE RESTROOM IS? IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE.

OUTSIDE. OKAY. GOD!

OH, GOD. [ Panting ]

HELLO? HELL-OO?

I GOTTA PEE, PEE, PEE, PEE. OHH! OH, GOD! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!

I CAN'T BREATHE. REALLY? OKAY. JUST BREATHE.

STAY CALM. YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY. ARE YOU OKAY? [ Quavering ]

OKAY, UH, YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY. WATER.

[ Groans, Whimpers ] OKAY.

- THANK YOU. - THERE YOU GO. I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR A SECOND.

OKAY? [ Knocking ]

[ Man ] JUDY? IN A MINUTE, DAD! [ Gasping ]

OKAY, OKAY.

I DON'T WANNA GO IN THE DEEP END. I DON'T WANNA GO IN THE DEEP END!

UH-- [ Crying ]

FLOWERS! HERE.

I LOOK LIKE A MAGAZINE BRIDE. NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU LOOK REALLY BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE THE PERFECT BRIDE.

WHY DON'T I FEEL GOOD?

WELL, I'M SURE THAT YOU'RE JUST REALLY NERVOUS. IT'S A BIG DAY, RIGHT?

IT'S WHAT EVERY GIRL DREAMS OF, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S REAL?

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T ANSWER THAT FOR YOU, REALLY,

BUT I'M SURE THE TWO OF YOU ARE GONNA BE REALLY HAPPY TOGETHER.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST GET DIVORCED.

YEAH! YEAH! SEE? IT'LL BE OKAY.

RIGHT. YOU'RE SO RIGHT. SO JUST GET YOURSELF TOGETHER. YOU LOOK SMASHING.

I LOOK BEAUTIFUL. YOU LOOK AMAZING.

I LOOK BEAUTIFUL. I LOOK BEAUTIFUL. YOU DO. AMAZING.

THANK YOU. NOW GET OFF MY DRESS. OH, GOD. I'M SORRY.

- I'M GETTING MARRIED! - YEA!

- HI. - [ Grunts ]

��

�� [ Dissonant Notes ]

I BET YOU MISS GRANDMA. GRANDMA?

WHERE IS SHE?

�� [ Dissonant Notes Continue ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Doorknob Clatters To Ground ] [ Gasps ]

[ Whispering ] IT'S JESUS. LOOK! IT'S JESUS.

BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE.

OKAY, BOYS, WE'RE ON.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT? OKAY. YEP.

STRAIGHT? YEP. BIG MOMENT.

YOU LOOK NICE TOO. DON'T STRESS. DON'T STRESS.

A LITTLE SLAP. SLAP ME. OKAY. YEAH? HUH?

DON'T BE GAY IN GOD'S HOUSE. GIVE ME A HIT. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. LET'S GO. LET'S DO IT.

�� [ "Wedding March" ] SH-SHIT.

�� [ Continues ]

CHRIS? [ Yelps ]

OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY? I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I GOT LOCKED IN.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH. FUCK.

OW. YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M GOOD. I WAS STUCK. WE DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE.

WHY? 'CAUSE I MADE FRIENDS WITH THE BRIDE.

COOL.

WHAT? WHAT? NO, NO, NO. YOU CANNOT LOCK THE DOOR.

DON'T KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO?

I'M TRYING.

OH, PLEASE, GOD.

AH, SUKI, SUKI! AH, SUKI, SUKI.

�� [ "Wedding March" Continues ]

SHH! IT'S ALREADY STARTED. ALL RIGHT.

I BET YOU MISS GRANDMA. [ Groans ]

- DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY... - HI.

TO CELEBRATE THE HOLY MATRIMONY...

OF JUDITH KATHERINE WEBB AND PETER DONAHUE.

PETER? OOF!

- OH, JESUS CHRIST! - [ Crowd Murmuring ]

- IT'S PETER! SHIT! - [ Woman ] I DIDN'T DO IT. I DIDN'T DO IT.

SHE DID IT.

THIS-- THIS ISN'T THE GLICKMAN BAR MITZVAH?

- IS IT? NO? - [ Groans ] - MOISHE, ARE YOU HERE?

NO? GOOD. OKAY. MAZELTOV. COME ON, SHARON. LET'S GO. MAZELTOV.

- CHRISTINA? - THE HOTTIE.

[ Courtney ] SHALOM!

� HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY �

THAT'S THE STRANGEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. THERE ARE NO JEWS IN SOMERSET.

[ Coughs ]

[ Prolonged Groaning ] SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.

SHALL WE PROCEED? OH, SURE.

[ Minister Clears Throat ]

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY...

TO CELEBRATE THE HOLY MATRIMONY...

OF JUDITH KATHERINE WEBB AND PETER DONAHUE.

[ Clears Throat ]

WHICH IS AN HONORABLE ESTATE, INSTITUTED OF GOD,

SIGNIFYING UNTO US THE MYSTICAL UNION THAT IS BETWEEN CHRIST...

AND--

- PETER? PETER? - SAINT--

- [ Tut-Tutting ] - PETER?

YEAH? I'M HAVING RESERVATIONS.

WHERE?

- ...AND IS COMMENDED-- - ABOUT THIS. - REALLY?

SHH, SHH-SHH-SHH.

- ...ST. PAUL TO BE HONORABLE... - ME TOO. - REALLY?

- AMONG ALL M-M-M-- - YEAH.

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH. ...ALL MEN, AND THEREFORE IS NOT BY ANY--

I MEAN, I LOVE YOU, BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

- ...LIGHTLY. - ANYMORE.

- OH, NO. - YOU'RE RUINING IT.

- BUT-- - WE'RE STILL FRIENDS. - HEY, HEY!

I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED. I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED!

NO-- NO KISS. I HAVEN'T MARRIED YOU YET.

- [ Both ] WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED! - [ Low Murmuring ]

MIGUEL?

- AHH. - DAD.

BUT WE ARE HAVING THE PARTY. [ Both Yelling ]

EXIT IN THE BACK. IT'S TO THE LEFT.

[ Screaming ]

� CLOSE YOUR EYES WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR HAND �

� DO YOU FEEL MY HEART BEATING � HI. HOW YOU DOIN'? I'M OKAY.

YOU OKAY? YEAH-- NO, I'M OKAY.

YOU OWE ME 30,000 FOR THIS WEDDING. DADDY, PLEASE.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING OF DOING? WHAT'S THAT?

I THINK I'M GONNA CASH IN THE HONEYMOON TICKETS, FLY TO BALI AND GO SCUBA DIVING.

- I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FACE OFF, PECKER-HEAD! - DADDY, STOP.

SWEETIE? YES?

- I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. - I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE: YOU'RE A FUCKIN' DEAD MAN!

DAD.

I MET SOMEONE. YOU MET SOMEONE?

ON-LINE. ON-LINE.

��

- HIS NAME IS RICKY. I THINK HE'S REALLY SPECIAL. - FUCK IT! IT'S GO TIME!

SON OF A BITCH! DADDY, STOP IT!

COURT? MM-HMM?

REFRESH MY MEMORY. WAS THAT PETER'S WEDDING WE WALKED IN ON?

YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. YEP.

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I MEET A GUY FOR TWO MINUTES,

AND I'M CHASING AFTER HIM LIKE HE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WELL, MAYBE YOU WANT SOMEONE SPECIAL...

FOR ONCE, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE YOU WERE THINKIN' THAT YOU WERE TIRED...

OF THE GAME.

YOU TIRED OF THE GAME?

YEP.

LET'S GO HOME.

OKAY.

[ Chattering ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ Woman Over Police Radio ] 1034 TO ANY AND ALL UNITS: PLEASE RESPOND TO 1151 KEARNEY.

- [ Christina ] OH, MY GOD. - [ Courtney ] WHAT'S GOING ON? - EXCUSE ME. OFFICER?

- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? - TWENTY YEARS, AND I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE.

WHAT? WHERE? WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY?

- APARTMENT THREE. - BUT THAT'S MY APARTMENT.

JANE. JANE. JANE!

POOR GIRL NEVER SAW IT COMING.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. [ Radio Chatter Continues ]

CHRIST! I WOULDN'T GO IN THERE. IT'S NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.

- I LIVE HERE. JANE! - [ Courtney ] EXCUSE ME.

JANE? JANIE?

JANIE? OH, JESUS! OH, MY GOD!

- [ Jane, Muffled ] CHRISTINA? - APPARENTLY THEY'RE STUCK.

- [ Grunting ] - [ Courtney ] WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - JANIE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- [ Muffled, Indistinct ] - HOW ARE YOU STUCK?

- I HAVE A PIERCING. - [ All Gasping ]

- [ Mockingly ] OOH. - I DON'T GET IT. HOW IS SHE STUCK?

BEHIND HER TONSILS. HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT?

- LISTEN, HONEY, I'M GONNA JUST PULL YOU REALLY GENTLY. - OHH, NO.

- SHH. I'M GONNA PULL, OKAY? GENTLY. - [ Christina ] BE CAREFUL.

[ Screaming ]

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

WE'VE GOT THE AMBULANCE OUTSIDE AND THE O.R. PREPPED FOR SURGERY. WE HAVE TO GET GOING.

- NO, NO, NO. WAIT, WAIT. - WHAT? - [ Christina ] SHE COULD SING.

YOU COULD SING. IT RELAXES THE THROAT. TRY. RIGHT, RIGHT.

TRY, TRY-- � RELAX, DON'T DO IT WHEN YOU WANNA GET TO IT �

� RELAX, DON'T DO IT WHEN YOU WANNA COME �

- STOP IT. YOU'RE GETTIN' ME HARD AGAIN. - [ Gulping ]

- IT'S-- IT'S THE WRONG SONG. OKAY. - [ Christina ] WHAT? WHAT?

ARMAGEDDON. [ Both ] � I COULD �

� STAY AWAKE �

� JUST TO HEAR YOU BREATHIN' �

� WATCH YOU SMILE WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPIN' �

[ Both ] � I COULD SPEND MY LIFE �

� IN THIS SWEET SURRENDER �

- COME ON, SWEETIE. TRY. - [ Muffled ]

� AS EVERY MOMENT SPENT WITH YOU �

[ All ] � IS A MOMENT I TREASURE �

� I DON'T WANNA CLOSE MY EYES �

� I DON'T WANNA FALL ASLEEP �

- � 'CAUSE I'D MISS YOU, BABY � - � AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THING �

� 'CAUSE EVEN WHEN I DREAM OF YOU �

� THE SWEETEST DREAM WILL NEVER DO �

� I'D STILL MISS YOU, BABY AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THING �

� I DON'T WANNA CLOSE MY EYES I DON'T WANNA FALL ASLEEP �

� 'CAUSE I'LL MISS YOU, BABY AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THING �

� EVEN WHEN I DREAM OF YOU � YES! OH, JANIE! YES!

� THE SWEETEST THING WILL NEVER DO �

� I STILL MISS YOU, BABY AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THING ��

[ Shrieks ] � HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU �

� I WANT TO KNOW �� WHAT?

[ Christina ] IT WAS MILLI. IT WAS VANILLI.

OH, WHATEVER. NO. NOT "WHATEVER."

SO SHE SAYS TO HIM, "GIRL, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE" CHANGED MY LIFE.

IT DID, OKAY? I'M SORRY. A TEAR-- JUST A SAD LITTLE TEAR SLOWLY--

OH, COME ON. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I WAS 16 YEARS OLD.

OKAY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I STARTED TALKING TO HER IN THE SECOND GRADE.

- I SWEAR, I DON'T. - BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WAS THE SHIT.

- YOU ARE THE SHIT. - [ Cell Phone Rings ] - SHITHEAD.

- OH, MY GOD. - WHAT?

THEY FOUND A DONOR FOR MY PATIENT. OKAY. I GOTTA GO. SORRY, GUYS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, CHRISTINA? IT WAS GREAT MEETING YOU. - IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, GREG.

-JANE, IT WAS GREAT MEETING YOU. -[ Muffled ] GREAT MEETING YOU.

-SO SORRY I HAVE TO RUN OFF. I'LL MAKE YOU RISOTTO TOMORROW. -IT'S FINE.

- IT'S GOOD. - [ Greg ] OKAY. - BYE.

- OKAY, CAN I JUST SAY, THAT WAS SO SWEET? - HE'S GREAT.

- SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP. - HE'S SO SWEET. - HE DOESN'T HAVE PIERCINGS?

NO.

UM, I DON'T KNOW, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE, UM,

I HAVEN'T DONE THAT WITH HIM YET, SO, YOU KNOW--

OH, YOU REALLY DO LIKE HIM. I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA JINX IT, SO--

OHH.

� AND IT'S A STRANGE CONDITION �

� A DAY IN PRISON �

� IT'S GOT ME OUT OF MY HEAD �

� AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAME HERE FOR �

� OH, I WANT YOU TO KNOW �

[ Numbers Beeping ]

[ Phone Beeps Off ]

� IT'S A STRANGE CONDITION �

� A DAY IN PRISON � HEY.

HEY. � IT'S GOT ME OUT OF MY HEAD AND I DON'T KNOW ��

I CLOSED ON THE MAHALOCK HOUSE TODAY. GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO A THING. WHAT DID THEY SAY ABOUT MY ALUMINUM SIDING?

NO.

REALLY? REALLY. BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE FAT-FREE CHIPS.

THEY CAUSE ANAL LEAKAGE. YOU CAUSE ANAL LEAKAGE.

IT SAYS SO ON THE BAG.

[ Spitting ]

WHAT-- WHAT KIND OF MARKETING BRAINIAC PUTS "ANAL LEAKAGE" ON HIS PRODUCT?

HOW CAN THEY EVEN SELL THAT CRAP?

WHAT TIME'S YOUR FLIGHT? 9:30.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO COSTA RICA. [ Sighs ]

- YOU KNOW, YOUR FEMALE PROBLEMS ARE COMPLETELY OVER WITH. - HOPE SO.

OH, THEY ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT I HEAR ABOUT COSTA RICAN WOMEN?

- FOR FIVE PESOS-- - NO, NO. ROG, ROG.

- THEY TAKE YOUR CHIMICHANGA AND YOUR POQUITO-- - NO, NO, SE�OR. SE�OR--

LISTEN TO ME. NO. NO QUIERO.

ALL I'M SAYIN' IS MAKE NICE WITH THE CONCIERGE, OKAY? [ Car Horn Tooting ]

- YOU ALL RIGHT, VERA? - COULDN'T BE BETTER! OHH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?

JUST PUT HER DOWN RIGHT HERE, BOYS. OKEYDOKEY.

PETER, SINCE YOU'RE GOING AWAY-- DO YOU WANNA BE ON OUR MAILING LIST?

YES, I WOULD, MA'AM. I'D LOVE TO. THANK YOU.

PETE, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET US OFF THAT MAILING LIST SINCE 1982.

RELAX, ROG. THIS IS THE HOTTEST CHICK THAT'S EVER BEEN IN THIS STORE, YOU KNOW?

THEY CAUGHT HER TRYING TO ESCAPE.

[ Christina Crying ]

THAT IS SO WEIRD. I KNOW. VERY STRANGE.

[ Imitates Vocal Tic ] I KNOW.

HEY. HEY.

SWEETIE? CHRISTINA, WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT HAPPENED?

I CAME TO JUST EAT MY COOKIE AND MAKE A PHONE CALL.

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO EAT THE COOKIES? NO, NO, NO, NO.

JUST READ THIS. ALL RIGHT.

"COMMANDMENT NUMBER NINE: THOU SHALT LOVE WHAT'S POSSIBLE."

- OH, CHRISTINA, HONEY, WE'VE GONE OVER THIS. - NOT THAT ONE.

YOU DID NOT KNOW THE GUY WAS GONNA BE GETTING MARRIED, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT JUST WASN'T POSSIBLE, SWEETIE. NOT THAT ONE.

- THE NEXT ONE. COMMANDMENT TEN. - COMMANDMENT TEN. - "THOU SHALT NOT FEAR?"

- YES. "THOU SHALT NOT FEAR." - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, "FEAR"?

WHAT YOU DID WAS AN INCREDIBLY BRAVE THING.

YOU COMPLETELY DROPPED ALL OF YOUR BOUNDARIES, AND YOU MET THIS GUY HALFWAY.

- YOU MET HIM MORE THAN HALFWAY. YOU WENT TO SOMERSET. - YOU GUYS, IT WAS ANOTHER GAME.

COME ON. IF HE HADN'T BEEN GETTING MARRIED, WHAT DO YOU THINK I WOULD'VE DONE?

HUH? THAT'S RIGHT. COURT, YOU KNOW.

I WOULD'VE DONE THE SAME OLD THING. I WOULD'VE HESITATED.

I WOULD'VE FROZE UP.

I WOULD'VE KISSED HIM AND THEN RAN OFF.

[ Sighs ] GIVE HIM THE WRONG PHONE NUMBER.

HOOK THAT FISH AND JUST THROW HIM RIGHT BACK.

JESUS.

- I'M STUCK IN A RUT. - OH, SWEETIE.

A BIG, FAT RUT.

YOU GUYS, I DON'T WANNA BE THAT GIRL ANYMORE.

I KNOW. YOU KNOW?

I KNOW. NONE OF US DO.

LET'S GO DANCING.

� YOU KNOW, IT'S TIME �

SO, ANY CHANCE? OF WHAT? NO-HO. DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

SHE'S ON A MISSION. � YOU KNOW, IT'S TIME �

� TO GIVE UP ON YOUR MIND �

- �� [ Continues, Indistinct ] - HOW'S IT SHAKIN', LADIES?

NO, THANK YOU. YOUR BODY IS BANGING.

YOUR FACE IS TOO. NEAT-O. THANKS. NEAT.

� IT'S TIME � � JUST COME ON �

� JUST GIVE IN � [ Indistinct ] WHAT'S GOIN' ON, HOT MAMA?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. BRINGIN' IT DOWN NOW.

BRINGIN' IT UP NOW. OH, YEAH.

WHOOP, WHOOP! YEAH. HERE IT COMES, BABY.

FEEL THE MONKEY. WORK THE MONKEY, MONKEY, MONK! THE MONKEY, THE MONKEY!

THE MONKEY. OOH-OOH, AH-AH. [ Laughing ]

THE MONKEY, THE MONKEY. YEAH. YOU WORKIN' THAT MONKEY.

YOU'RE A GOOD DANCER. THANKS.

NO. YOU ARE. YOU HAVE SOME ORIGINAL MOVES. I'VE BEEN WORKIN' ON 'EM.

HAVE WE MET BEFORE? A COUPLE TIMES.

I'M DONNY.

HI. [ Laughs Nervously ] CHRISTINA.

IT FEELS LIKE SIXTEEN CANDLES.

I'D LOVE TO TAKE YOU OUT SOMETIME. REALLY?

WELL, THAT'S NICE. I MEAN, GIVE ME YOUR CARD. I'LL CALL YOU SOMETIME.

THANK YOU. YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY NICE PERSON.

YEAH, WORK THAT MONKEY. I'LL WORK ON THE MONKEY.

� WHEN YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR BODY YOU'VE FOUND SOMEBODY �

� WHO MAKES YOU CHANGE YOUR WAYS LIKE HANGIN' WITH YOU, COOL �

� SO YOU ACT LIKE YOU READY BUT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW �

� AND EVERYTHING IN YOUR PAST YOU WANNA LET IT GO �

� I BEEN THERE, DONE IT � [ Indistinct ]

� AFTER ALL THAT THIS IS WHAT I FOUND �

� NOBODY WANTS TO BE ALONE �

HEY, DONNY. HI. HEY.

HEY, DO YOU HAVE A PEN? YOU BETCHA.

� YOU GOT IT YOU GOT IT BAD � [ Continues, Indistinct ]

I'M A JERK, AND I WANNA APOLOGIZE, BECAUSE I DID NOT PLAN ON CALLING YOU.

I AM GONNA GIVE YOU MY NUMBER SO THAT YOU CAN CALL ME...

BECAUSE I FOUND OUT SOMETHING...

THAT WAS COMPLETELY LIFE-CHANGING-- THAT IT'S OKAY TO TAKE A CHANCE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S OKAY TO. LOVE IS CRAZY, AND THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS. IT'S TAKING A CHANCE.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND COURTNEY AND I WENT ON THIS CRAZY RIDE AND WENT FOR A GUY.

I WENT ACROSS THE STATE PRACTICALLY TO FIND THIS GUY THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. BUT HERE I AM, I'M HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

AND I KNOW THAT IF I JUST TAKE A CHANCE-- MAYBE WITH YOU-- THAT, I DON'T KNOW--

FORGET IT. UH, WHAT'S A GUY GOTTA DO TO GET LAID?

� YOU GOT IT YOU GOT IT BAD �

� HANG YOUR OWN PHONE UP HANG UP AND CALL RIGHT BACK �

� OH, YOU GOT IT YOU GOT IT BAD �

� IF YOU MISS A DATE YOU'RE AFRAID YOUR WHOLE LIFE'S A DRAG �

� OH, YOU GOT IT BAD WHEN YOU'RE STUCK IN THE HOUSE �

� AND YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE FUN THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT YOU GOT IT BAD ��

�� [ Continues, Indistinct ] [ Christina ] NO PROBLEM. OKAY. HERE YOU GO.

[ Talking, Indistinct ]

UM, CHRIS? YEAH?

HONEY?

UH-- WAIT. WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THIS ONE ON YOUR OWN.

IT'S ALL GOOD, GIRL. SHH.

FIGURE THIS ONE OUT. FIGURE IT OUT. OKAY.

- [ Imitates Rooster Crowing ] - [ Courtney ] STOP.

CHRISTINA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME HERE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU.

FOR WHAT? FOR NOT TELLING YOU I WAS GETTING MARRIED.

I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT, AND I DIDN'T. AND I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE THE GUY THAT NEEDS THE LAST FLING BEFORE YOUR WEDDING. THAT'S--

NO, NO. I'M NOT THAT GUY. YOU SPILLED MY DRINK, AND I LET YOU BUY ME A BEER.

THAT WAS ALL THERE WAS TO IT.

WE HAD FUN. WE TALKED. THAT WAS IT.

RIGHT?

YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DIDN'T GET MARRIED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? JUDY AND I, WE CALLED IT OFF.

WELL,

I HOPE THAT THING THAT HAPPENED DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

JUDY AND I BOTH REALIZED WE WERE DOING THE WRONG THING.

I MEAN, TWO PEOPLE SHOULD BE IN LOVE.

BUT JUDY-- I MEAN, SHE'S HAPPY. SHE'S SCUBA DIVING IN BALI.

SHE REALLY LIKED YOU TOO. SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE GREAT. WHY WERE YOU AT MY WEDDING?

[ Sighs ] YOU KNOW,

IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE SORT OF SPONTANEOUS THINGS MY GIRLFRIEND AND I DO.

IT WAS JUST REALLY-- IT JUST GOT SCREWED UP.

LOOK, I CAME HERE TONIGHT 'CAUSE I WANTED TO SEE YA.

AND I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE, UH--

WELL, THAT NIGHT THAT WE MET, I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING,

SOME FEELING I HAD ABOUT US OR--

I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT FEEL THAT WAY TOO.

IS THIS A MUTUAL THING, OR AM I JUST-- THIS IS NOT A MUTUAL THING AT ALL.

THIS IS A VERY STUPID THING. I AM STUPID. I SHOULD GO. WAIT, WAIT.

I REALLY APOLOGIZE FOR WASTING YOUR TIME, AND I'M GONNA JUMP OFF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE.

THANKS. SEE YA. I'M STUPID. THAT'S RIGHT.

IN FACT, THAT'S IT-- EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO-- TO DO.

THAT'S, UH-- YES, YES. GOSH, IT'S GOING SO WELL.

YES.

I'M NOT GONNA BE AFRAID.

PETER?

SHIT! PETER? PETER, WAIT!

PETER!

PETER?

SHIT.

[ Muttering ]

HI.

COME ON! OH! [ Laughs ]

ARE YOU OKAY?

YES. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

LOOK, I DON'T THINK I REALLY HANDLED THAT TOO WELL. NO, LISTEN.

I DIDN'T HANDLE IT AT ALL. I'M SO SORRY.

LOOK, I WANTED TO FIND YOU SO I COULD TELL YOU THAT-- WHAT I COULDN'T TELL YOU UP THERE,

WHICH WAS THAT I DID COME TO YOUR WEDDING BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

BECAUSE THE FEELING IS MUTUAL, AND YOU'D BETTER BE A REALLY GOOD KISSER.

WOW.

THAT WAS WEAK.

WEAK? YEAH.

IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN TRY AGAIN.

OKAY?

YOU WERE SO MUCH BETTER IN MY DREAM. IT'S WEIRD. WH--

HOLD THESE.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS, LIKE, MUTUAL. OH, MY GOD.

NO, I'M SERIOUS. LISTEN, I'LL CALL YOU, OKAY?

WHAT? WAIT, WAIT.

- THANKS FOR THE FLOWERS. REALLY NICE TOUCH. - I'M OUT OF PRACTICE.

I JUST WOKE UP. UNBELIEVABLE!

CHRISTINA WALTERS. YEP, I KNOW HER.

BITCH. MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL.

FIRST SHE TRIES TO PAWN ME OFF ON HER FRIEND. THEN SHE CALLS ME A DICK.

THEN SHE HUNTS ME DOWN LIKE A DOG AT MY OWN WEDDING.

THEN, WHEN I TRY TO APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING, SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW YOU.

"YOU'RE ONE OF HUNDREDS. I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR YOU. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

WAH, WAH, WAH. LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA."

[ Shrieks ]

IS THAT HOW I SOUNDED? "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"?

LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA. THE MOVIE IS STARTING.

LET'S GO.

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ All Laughing, Screeching ]

[ Peter ] WHO LOVES YA? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

[ Laughing ]

- FUCK GRANDMA. - � WHEN IT'S OVER �

� THAT'S THE TIME I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN �

SAVE YOURSELF A BUCK.

- � AND WHEN YOU GO, GO, GO � - A GIRL THAT YOU LICK.

REALLY? YES. THAT YOU LICK. A GIRL THAT I LICK?

- [ Arguing, Screaming ] - � I KNOW IT NEVER ENDS �

- OW, OW, OW. - � ALL THE THINGS THAT I USED TO SAY �

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE CREDITS NOW? - � HAVE GONE OUT THE WINDOW �

[ Sobbing ]

OH, GOD!

� ALL THE THINGS THAT SHE USED TO BRING �

-� ALL THE SONGS THAT SHE USED TO SING � -[ Chris, Courtney Screaming ]

- CHICKS FREAK ON THIS GUY. - YOU OWE ME 30-- AW, SHEESH.

[ Screaming ]

� HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT-- � YEAH. COPY THAT.

- [ Catcalling ] - [ Imitating Lightsabers ]

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, HUH? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

- � I KNOW IT NEVER ENDS � - I THINK THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR A MOVIE MONTAGE.

� IT NEVER ENDS � � ALL THE THINGS I USED TO SAY �

� ALL THE WORDS THAT GOT IN THE WAY �

� ALL THE THINGS THAT I USED TO KNOW HAVE GONE OUT THE WINDOW �

- DON'T YOU LIKE HOW SEXY I AM? - OH! [ Shrieking Laughter ]

OKAY! I'M NOT GONNA BE AFRAID!

[ Crew Laughing ]

I'M NOT!

IT'S A VERY BAD RUMOR. IT'S A RUMOR. I'M SERIOUS. CRAP.

[ Man ] ACTION. OW.

[ Crew Laughing ]

YOU REALLY GOT MY ASS THERE. SORRY.

NO, IT'S GOOD.

[ Man ] CUT.

I LOOK BEAUTIFUL. YOU LOOK AMAZING.

I LOOK BEAUTIFUL. I LOOK BEAUTIFUL. YOU DO. AMAZING.

[ Screeching ]

� WHEN IT'S OVER � JESUS!

- � THAT'S THE TIME I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN � - WE CAN SIT HERE ALL NIGHT.

I BET YOU MISS GRANDMA. GRANDMA!

� ALL THE THINGS THAT I USED TO SAY, ALL THE WORDS THAT GOT IN THE WAY �

� ALL THE THINGS THAT I USED TO KNOW HAVE GONE OUT THE WINDOW �

I'M NOT BAH-JIGGITY. YOU ARE SO BAH-JIGGITY.

� ALL THE THINGS SHE USED TO BRING, ALL THE SONGS THAT SHE USED TO SING �

� ALL HER FAVORITE TV SHOWS HAVE GONE OUT THE WINDOW �

� ALL THE THINGS THAT I USED TO SAY, ALL THE WORDS THAT GOT IN THE WAY �

- IT'S JESUS. LOOK. IT'S JESUS. - � HAVE GONE OUT THE WINDOW �

� ALL THE THINGS THAT SHE USED TO BRING �� SO I GUESS...

A BLOW JOB'S OUT OF THE QUESTION?

-OH, THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING. -[ All ] BYE!

[ Screeches ]

[ Man ] CUT! [ Crew Applauds ]

WELL, THAT WAS FUN.

� CLOSE YOUR EYES �

� WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR HAND �

� DO YOU FEEL MY HEART BEATIN' �

� DO YOU UNDERSTAND �

� BABY, DO YOU FEEL THE SAME �

� AM I ONLY DREAMING �

� OR IS THIS BURNIN' � � BURNIN' �

� AN ETERNAL FLAME �

� SAY MY NAME � � SAY MY NAME �

� THE SUN SHINES THROUGH THE RAIN �

� A WHOLE LIFE SO LONELY �

� AND THEN YOU COME AND EASE THE PAIN �

� I DON'T WANNA LOSE THIS FEELING �

� OHH �

GUITAR.

HOW ABOUT THE BAND?

BEAUTIFUL ON THE BASS.

� BURNIN' �

� CLOSE YOUR EYES �

� AND GIVE ME YOUR HAND, BABY �

� DO YOU FEEL MY HEART BEATING �

� DO YOU UNDERSTAND �

� DO YOU FEEL THE SAME �

� AM I ONLY DREAMING �

� OR IS THIS BURNING �

� AN ETERNAL FLAME ��

UH, IT'S OVER. B-BYE. [ All ] IT'S OVER.