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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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You sound like Mom.
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Yeah, well, you know Mom
was trying to help you
4
00:00:07,231 --> 00:00:08,231
the only way she knew how, right?
5
00:00:08,232 --> 00:00:10,836
Says the guy that she
refers to as her only son.
6
00:00:10,961 --> 00:00:13,906
Little Gabe... on point
with his sass game.
7
00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:17,751
Somebody put a full-price
offer on this house.
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00:00:17,927 --> 00:00:19,950
Helen is gonna do us a landlord solid
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00:00:19,965 --> 00:00:21,622
and give us 72 hours to match it.
10
00:00:21,658 --> 00:00:23,418
Hey, are you the new girl?
I... I didn't see you come in.
11
00:00:23,439 --> 00:00:25,309
- Off Campus Guy, right?
- Yeah, New Girl.
12
00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:26,871
Nathan... He's a wounded bird.
13
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,105
- He just needs a friend.
- You're test-driving him...
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00:00:29,136 --> 00:00:31,654
Coach Remi! Portland's
official poly guru?
15
00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:34,425
If you could be any part
of your couple's home,
16
00:00:34,456 --> 00:00:35,746
what would you be and why?
17
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,965
- ... The front door.
- Why did you pick the front door?
18
00:00:37,981 --> 00:00:40,577
Because I was closed
before I met Jack and Emma.
19
00:00:40,613 --> 00:00:42,140
Turns out I needed two keys...
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00:00:42,265 --> 00:00:46,481
to open my heart even
though it could be broken.
21
00:00:46,982 --> 00:00:50,447
- So what are you exactly?
- H... he means, like, besides stuck?
22
00:00:53,193 --> 00:00:57,693
23
00:01:07,002 --> 00:01:09,212
- Wakey, wakey.
- Hmm.
24
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,075
Hmm.
25
00:01:11,301 --> 00:01:13,292
I was having the best dream.
26
00:01:13,316 --> 00:01:16,088
I was onstage with TLC
in the "Waterfalls" video.
27
00:01:16,107 --> 00:01:18,681
- Okay, I can't hold it in any longer.
- Are you gonna throw up on me?
28
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- No.
- Oh.
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00:01:20,788 --> 00:01:22,762
But we have a surprise for you.
30
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- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
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Okay, so I forgot to ask where.
32
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Did I mention that I love surprises?
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Where is it? Where is it?
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What do you think?
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Pretty cool, right?
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Yeah.
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Y... yeah. D... definitely.
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00:01:43,859 --> 00:01:48,586
It's that, like, specific kind of
cool that requires an explanation?
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00:01:48,624 --> 00:01:51,133
- Any c...
- Any... Any color you want.
40
00:01:52,595 --> 00:01:54,243
- Okay.
- Yeah.
41
00:01:54,264 --> 00:01:55,697
Yeah.
42
00:01:55,732 --> 00:01:57,070
Izzy Silva...
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- You're the door!
- Dude?
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- What?
- You're the door...
45
00:02:00,425 --> 00:02:01,812
- Yeah.
- ... opening up our lives
46
00:02:01,838 --> 00:02:04,231
in the most spectacular
and surprising ways.
47
00:02:04,263 --> 00:02:07,178
- And we want the whole world to know it.
- Yeah.
48
00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:10,436
Oh, okay.
49
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I love my door.
50
00:02:13,516 --> 00:02:15,469
- Yes.
- I love you.
51
00:02:18,455 --> 00:02:20,753
- I love my door.
- Mm.
52
00:02:21,869 --> 00:02:23,643
Well, that's disturbing.
53
00:02:23,662 --> 00:02:25,146
Hmm. Oh, geez. Look at these two.
54
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- No shame whatsoever.
- Aw. Maybe their cable's out.
55
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Hello. I know.
56
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Even there's a baby, ooh!
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00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:35,005
Okay. We'll go back inside now. Relax.
58
00:02:35,011 --> 00:02:36,181
Yeah, we're gonna go
inside and do the sex now!
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00:02:36,205 --> 00:02:38,108
So you guys can keep walking.
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00:02:45,649 --> 00:02:50,236
Behold my door, bitches!
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00:02:55,482 --> 00:03:01,713
Behold this beautiful
morning that we're having.
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00:03:08,134 --> 00:03:10,024
Cheerio.
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00:03:12,502 --> 00:03:13,928
Marigold.
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00:03:13,992 --> 00:03:15,399
Interesting choice.
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00:03:15,444 --> 00:03:17,711
My Great Aunt Enid
used to plant marigolds.
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00:03:17,836 --> 00:03:20,360
My mother would say,
"They're cheap and common,
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00:03:20,425 --> 00:03:23,171
and dig in like weeds."
Oh, my God. She sounds nice.
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00:03:23,184 --> 00:03:25,983
Definitely not on the long
list of HOA-approved colors.
69
00:03:26,009 --> 00:03:28,571
- Ticketable offense?
- 100%.
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00:03:33,578 --> 00:03:36,358
Let the mustache twirling resume.
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00:03:42,337 --> 00:03:46,297
- So they bought you a door.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:03:46,613 --> 00:03:49,498
How, uh, romantic?
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00:03:49,844 --> 00:03:52,059
It's not just a door, okay?
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00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:55,440
It's a beautiful bright
orange symbol of our love
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00:03:55,465 --> 00:03:58,045
and clearly you don't get it
so shut up. Where'd you go?
76
00:03:58,103 --> 00:04:00,553
What? I'm being... I'm
being late. Remember?
77
00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:03,141
You wear those hideous
suburbadroid Crocs
78
00:04:03,179 --> 00:04:05,721
and, uh, I show up late
to everything all day?
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00:04:05,747 --> 00:04:08,161
You're so annoying. Just come
on, you can start it after.
80
00:04:08,196 --> 00:04:09,735
Okay.
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00:04:10,131 --> 00:04:12,698
Uh, so remind me.
82
00:04:12,733 --> 00:04:16,020
You went to a poly coach
83
00:04:16,037 --> 00:04:18,928
so you could figure
out that you are, uh...
84
00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,940
- what was it?
- Polymonogamous.
85
00:04:21,976 --> 00:04:23,263
Polymonogamous.
86
00:04:23,299 --> 00:04:24,686
- Yes.
- Right.
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00:04:24,811 --> 00:04:28,632
Now, does Coach Whatsisballs
know that he invented a word
88
00:04:28,637 --> 00:04:30,500
that contradicts itself halfway through?
89
00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:33,055
Okay. The word sounds stupid at first,
90
00:04:33,086 --> 00:04:34,289
but it's actually brilliant.
91
00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:35,781
- Like these Crocs.
- Right.
92
00:04:35,806 --> 00:04:39,657
They're basically Jack
and Emma... left, right.
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00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,108
When I wear them outside
of a garden setting,
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00:04:42,119 --> 00:04:44,273
people are very eager to tell
me that I'm doing footwear wrong.
95
00:04:44,297 --> 00:04:46,397
That's why I assigned them to you.
96
00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:48,106
- So you'd look stupid.
- Shut up.
97
00:04:48,142 --> 00:04:52,437
Anyway, here's the thing, is they
start to feel really good, like...
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00:04:52,473 --> 00:04:56,685
like my feet have a special
secret, but the world insists
99
00:04:56,756 --> 00:04:58,930
"they don't make sense
as an everyday shoe."
100
00:04:58,949 --> 00:05:00,536
So you buckle under the pressure
101
00:05:00,556 --> 00:05:04,878
and you try something a little
cooler, a little younger.
102
00:05:05,226 --> 00:05:07,697
Um, and... ?
103
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:09,897
And people say that
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00:05:09,916 --> 00:05:12,323
they make your calves look
great but it's too late,
105
00:05:12,358 --> 00:05:13,754
'cause you've already fallen in love
106
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,044
with these goofy-ass Crocs. In fact,
107
00:05:16,348 --> 00:05:18,574
you feel bad you ever doubted them.
108
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:21,900
- Wow!
- Right?
109
00:05:21,935 --> 00:05:26,984
Anyway, today is officially
"Inappropriate Day Drinking... Day."
110
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There has to be a better
way to say that, right?
111
00:05:28,656 --> 00:05:30,301
- Well, we're gonna
have to postpone. Why?
112
00:05:30,352 --> 00:05:33,106
Well, aside from the fact that
I'm a high-school vice principal...
113
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:36,501
Oh, please. ... uh, and
that's never gonna happen,
114
00:05:36,549 --> 00:05:40,120
- I have a date.
- Cool.
115
00:05:40,153 --> 00:05:41,423
- Yeah.
- Cool.
116
00:05:41,449 --> 00:05:42,868
Yeah, it is pretty cool.
117
00:05:43,088 --> 00:05:47,090
Oh, hold on just a second.
118
00:05:47,125 --> 00:05:49,926
Oh! Uh, speak of the devil.
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The tall, blonde, gorgeous devil.
120
00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:56,248
Okay.
121
00:05:56,977 --> 00:05:59,588
- Yeah. I got to... I got to take this.
- Sure.
122
00:06:01,132 --> 00:06:03,867
- So...
- Oh. You want me to go. I'm sorry.
123
00:06:03,873 --> 00:06:06,404
- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah. I'll... I'll catch up.
124
00:06:06,529 --> 00:06:07,865
So I'll... I'll see you at lunch?
125
00:06:07,922 --> 00:06:11,080
I've got to rain check
'cause I'm super slammed.
126
00:06:11,101 --> 00:06:12,778
But, um, later?
127
00:06:12,799 --> 00:06:14,141
- Yeah, it's all good.
- Sorry.
128
00:06:14,161 --> 00:06:15,292
All good.
129
00:06:16,345 --> 00:06:18,636
Hey, you.
130
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:23,468
Honey, real-estate shit
is always complicated.
131
00:06:23,593 --> 00:06:25,253
- Okay?
- Don't let it ruin our mojo.
132
00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:26,838
Yeah, well, how dare the bank tell us
133
00:06:26,848 --> 00:06:28,448
over an e-mail to find
more money, you know?
134
00:06:28,453 --> 00:06:30,430
If they want to ass ram us,
they can do it to our faces.
135
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,468
- Huh?
- Hmm.
136
00:06:31,519 --> 00:06:33,361
Well, seems like you and
I are gonna have to have
137
00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:35,572
a very long discussion
about human anatomy.
138
00:06:36,081 --> 00:06:37,975
Over waffles, perhaps?
139
00:06:38,027 --> 00:06:40,458
- With caramel sauce?
- Okay.
140
00:06:40,583 --> 00:06:43,337
- And pickles, please.
- Wow.
141
00:06:43,368 --> 00:06:45,197
It's amazing that that
doesn't make your list
142
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,706
of things that make you
barf. It's fascinating.
143
00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:52,407
Jack, we can't give Izzy a
door and then lose the house.
144
00:06:52,459 --> 00:06:54,457
I know. And we won't.
145
00:06:55,953 --> 00:06:57,657
- Um...
- What?
146
00:06:57,782 --> 00:07:00,454
Okay. Well, promise not to be mad.
147
00:07:00,475 --> 00:07:02,520
Uh, your mom is coming to visit.
148
00:07:02,535 --> 00:07:05,415
- And she's staying with Gabe.
- So? She's visited him lots of times.
149
00:07:05,446 --> 00:07:07,578
Well, and I think that maybe...
150
00:07:07,703 --> 00:07:09,138
you know, possibly...
151
00:07:09,633 --> 00:07:12,615
he may have said something
about inviting us all to dinner?
152
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:13,668
Oh.
153
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,233
So this is what all that
clumsy espionage was about?
154
00:07:16,259 --> 00:07:17,746
You and Izzy and Gabe?
155
00:07:18,174 --> 00:07:21,420
Wait, are you suggesting
that we ask Jo for money?
156
00:07:21,451 --> 00:07:23,469
No! No.
157
00:07:23,594 --> 00:07:25,792
- No.
- Maybe?
158
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:27,273
No, okay?
159
00:07:27,398 --> 00:07:29,265
There is a zero-point-zero
percent chance
160
00:07:29,296 --> 00:07:30,870
of me asking her for anything ever.
161
00:07:30,916 --> 00:07:32,858
Well, come on, Jack.
162
00:07:32,868 --> 00:07:34,490
Do you really think it's
a coincidence, you know,
163
00:07:34,514 --> 00:07:36,068
that you started thinking
of your mom and dad
164
00:07:36,078 --> 00:07:37,518
and how it was after he died...
165
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,544
just as you're about to
start a family of your own?
166
00:07:39,779 --> 00:07:41,704
I didn't bleach my hair, wear eyeliner,
167
00:07:41,725 --> 00:07:43,753
and start doing drugs
because my dad died.
168
00:07:43,759 --> 00:07:45,565
I did it to test my mom's love.
169
00:07:45,808 --> 00:07:47,253
And she failed.
170
00:07:47,681 --> 00:07:49,555
Yeah, well, maybe she was angry.
171
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,758
Maybe tough love was the
only love she could give.
172
00:07:51,789 --> 00:07:53,533
What would she be angry about?
173
00:07:54,029 --> 00:07:56,285
Gabe says she has regrets.
174
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:59,614
Did, uh, calling me a
faggot make the list?
175
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:04,321
- Jack...
- I'm sorry.
176
00:08:08,089 --> 00:08:09,498
- Waffles.
- Aw.
177
00:08:09,699 --> 00:08:11,433
Caramel sauce and pickles,
178
00:08:11,469 --> 00:08:13,776
- together again for the very first time!
- Mm-hmm.
179
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:24,187
- Babe?
- H... h... hello?
180
00:08:24,312 --> 00:08:26,432
Dave? Are you there?
181
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,956
Aw, fuck me!
182
00:08:29,736 --> 00:08:31,518
Oh, no, not you guys!
183
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,957
That's... What? No!
184
00:08:33,993 --> 00:08:37,059
Not to insinuate that
any of you are unworthy.
185
00:08:37,074 --> 00:08:39,366
You're all very attractive people,
186
00:08:39,391 --> 00:08:42,488
and I'm sure many people,
many people would be honored.
187
00:08:42,525 --> 00:08:45,126
Please just don't call your
lawyers, all right? Take a beat.
188
00:08:45,508 --> 00:08:48,558
Oh, I'm so happy that I could amuse you.
189
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,148
We need to fix this.
190
00:08:50,215 --> 00:08:53,074
- Oh, like pay them off? That's a good idea.
- No, no.
191
00:08:53,106 --> 00:08:56,681
I'm saying we need
to fix this you and me
192
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,939
and this 500-mile gap between us.
193
00:08:58,958 --> 00:09:00,900
Okay? We need to fix that. I miss you.
194
00:09:00,938 --> 00:09:03,267
Really? You love me
more than fluffy robes,
195
00:09:03,299 --> 00:09:05,184
fresh sheets, and room service?
196
00:09:05,422 --> 00:09:07,931
Yes. Yes, of course I do.
197
00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:09,408
- Come on.
- Convincing.
198
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,834
I do think we should maybe
spring for some nicer sheets.
199
00:09:11,866 --> 00:09:12,995
These thread counts are...
200
00:09:13,008 --> 00:09:14,597
I'm learning a lot
about thread counts here.
201
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:16,428
- How's it going over there?
- Oh,
202
00:09:16,466 --> 00:09:18,666
well, they've stopped
being subtle about, uh,
203
00:09:18,718 --> 00:09:20,137
books two and three,
204
00:09:20,262 --> 00:09:23,156
- so I kind of had to wing a pitch.
- Oh, God.
205
00:09:23,169 --> 00:09:25,371
How drunk did you have to get
to decide that was a good idea?
206
00:09:25,395 --> 00:09:27,659
Well, drunk enough that I woke up
207
00:09:27,685 --> 00:09:29,763
with a dozen cocktail
napkins in my pocket
208
00:09:29,775 --> 00:09:31,149
all with individual words on them,
209
00:09:31,181 --> 00:09:33,672
like I maybe did like a
Bob Dylan type of thing.
210
00:09:33,797 --> 00:09:36,408
Look, this either says
"flatulence" or "pestilence."
211
00:09:36,433 --> 00:09:38,491
And neither is really
good for a kids' book.
212
00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:41,562
Actually, the first one could
work, you know, like, um,
213
00:09:41,627 --> 00:09:44,330
"Everybody Farts, Even Immigrants"?
214
00:09:44,597 --> 00:09:47,157
You know what, Carmen? You really
are the wind beneath my sheets.
215
00:09:47,288 --> 00:09:48,962
See, I was still going
with the fart thing.
216
00:09:48,986 --> 00:09:51,207
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just
217
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:53,022
really tired and I know it's stupid but
218
00:09:53,033 --> 00:09:55,132
I think I've just let this local
awards thing get to me and...
219
00:09:55,154 --> 00:09:56,647
Okay, you know what?
You know what? Tonight,
220
00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:59,865
we're gonna have a full cyberdate, okay?
221
00:09:59,877 --> 00:10:02,066
And it's gonna end in FaceTime sex
222
00:10:02,092 --> 00:10:04,682
because I am the surest
thing on the West Coast.
223
00:10:04,750 --> 00:10:07,299
You are an insatiable slut.
224
00:10:07,366 --> 00:10:08,920
Wow.
225
00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:11,315
And I may have a solution
to your sequel problem, so...
226
00:10:11,328 --> 00:10:13,141
Excellent. Tonight, you and me.
227
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:14,657
No kids. No work. No interruptions.
228
00:10:14,696 --> 00:10:16,922
Just me listening to you about your life
229
00:10:16,935 --> 00:10:20,006
and then we are going to
mutually abuse ourselves
230
00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:21,515
in front of each other.
231
00:10:21,573 --> 00:10:23,232
- That sounds...
- I mean, is that g...
232
00:10:23,265 --> 00:10:24,564
I'm gonna need a clear "yes."
233
00:10:24,579 --> 00:10:25,823
I mean, I could start now if you want.
234
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:27,341
This is usually behind a paywall
235
00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:28,869
but if you... you have to say "yes."
236
00:10:28,885 --> 00:10:30,512
- Stop it!
- Will this get you fired, if I...
237
00:10:30,536 --> 00:10:32,655
Yes, yes, yes!
238
00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:34,649
Okay.
239
00:10:36,378 --> 00:10:41,261
$20, $40, $64 and change.
240
00:10:41,294 --> 00:10:43,230
Split the settlement however you like.
241
00:10:43,668 --> 00:10:45,294
That should work. That's plenty.
242
00:10:49,558 --> 00:10:52,249
I find myself kind of liking
that shirt for some reason.
243
00:10:52,268 --> 00:10:54,391
- _
- Yeah, shirts are cool. I like shirts.
244
00:10:54,516 --> 00:10:56,594
Maybe it's the feminist allusion.
245
00:10:56,629 --> 00:10:59,693
Yeah. Hashtag Time's Up, bitches.
246
00:10:59,964 --> 00:11:02,099
M... meaning un-woke
dudes. I... I didn't...
247
00:11:02,332 --> 00:11:04,908
- I didn't mean women.
- It's about motherhood.
248
00:11:04,959 --> 00:11:07,318
Yeah. Moms. So hot.
249
00:11:09,826 --> 00:11:13,754
So are you into all girls or
just the ones with children?
250
00:11:13,770 --> 00:11:16,434
Uh, well, I'm pan,
which we all know means
251
00:11:16,439 --> 00:11:19,438
that I can love or be
attracted to a person of any sex
252
00:11:19,459 --> 00:11:21,446
including but not limited to males,
253
00:11:21,456 --> 00:11:22,902
females, transgenders, transexuals,
254
00:11:22,912 --> 00:11:24,476
hermaphroditous people,
androgynous people,
255
00:11:24,491 --> 00:11:26,685
and of course those with
a sex-chromosome anomaly.
256
00:11:26,710 --> 00:11:29,204
Wow. So thorough!
257
00:11:31,449 --> 00:11:34,133
Why aren't you, uh, seeing anyone?
258
00:11:36,182 --> 00:11:39,459
Maybe you're just, um, confused
by the expansive pan menu?
259
00:11:39,464 --> 00:11:41,614
Yeah. So confused.
Yeah. Ca... Can't sleep.
260
00:11:41,630 --> 00:11:43,235
I'm like, which way do I go?
261
00:11:43,534 --> 00:11:46,109
Dare you to ask out the
next human who's into you.
262
00:11:46,687 --> 00:11:48,912
Hey. Sorry to barge in, um...
263
00:11:48,938 --> 00:11:52,020
but that story you shared in last
week's Alliance meeting... it, uh,
264
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:53,950
it just really moved me.
265
00:11:53,991 --> 00:11:55,245
Awesome.
266
00:11:55,571 --> 00:11:58,084
Hey, um, do you want to hang out?
267
00:11:58,915 --> 00:12:01,134
Yeah, sure. You free tonight?
268
00:12:01,259 --> 00:12:03,230
Yeah. Uh, it's a date. I'll text you.
269
00:12:03,261 --> 00:12:04,572
Cool.
270
00:12:05,021 --> 00:12:07,384
Boom.
271
00:12:18,341 --> 00:12:21,948
All right, I was undeniably
a massive fuck-up as a kid.
272
00:12:26,274 --> 00:12:28,051
I'm getting the instinct
that you need to hold
273
00:12:28,075 --> 00:12:29,722
all my calls, Rebecca.
274
00:12:29,742 --> 00:12:31,120
- Yes, Dean Warren.
- Thank you.
275
00:12:31,177 --> 00:12:32,455
Sorry.
276
00:12:32,731 --> 00:12:34,273
It's all good. All good.
277
00:12:34,309 --> 00:12:36,276
Everybody assumed I was on drugs,
278
00:12:36,549 --> 00:12:39,089
and so they started
giving me drugs and voil?�,
279
00:12:39,136 --> 00:12:40,654
next thing I know, I'm on drugs.
280
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:43,007
And my dad died,
281
00:12:43,306 --> 00:12:45,376
my mother was frightened that Gabe and I
282
00:12:45,402 --> 00:12:48,086
wouldn't have a male role
model, so she transformed herself
283
00:12:48,117 --> 00:12:50,646
into the worst possible version of one.
284
00:12:50,656 --> 00:12:53,129
Somewhere along the line,
I realized my whole reason
285
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:55,678
for waking up every day
for the rest of my life
286
00:12:55,713 --> 00:12:57,815
would be to help kids like me.
287
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,886
God damn it, I'm good at what I do,
288
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:03,473
okay, so if you think that this is just
289
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:07,307
soft, navel-gazing bullshit, well
frankly, Mother, I don't give a fuck!
290
00:13:13,162 --> 00:13:16,247
- Um, did I just, um...
- Just call me "Mother"?
291
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,986
- Yes.
- I didn't hear that.
292
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:19,525
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
293
00:13:19,569 --> 00:13:21,791
You're a good egg, Dean Warren.
294
00:13:21,827 --> 00:13:23,267
Neva.
295
00:13:25,822 --> 00:13:28,175
I want a raise, Neva.
296
00:13:28,356 --> 00:13:30,085
You got it, Jack.
297
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,443
10%?
298
00:13:31,773 --> 00:13:33,715
- Just like that?
- Mm-hmm.
299
00:13:34,382 --> 00:13:37,462
Academia... Never enough money.
300
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:42,119
We operate under the policy
of Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.
301
00:13:42,774 --> 00:13:46,262
Your Wellness Program,
Doctor, is extraordinary.
302
00:13:46,918 --> 00:13:49,215
A raise is long overdue.
303
00:13:50,933 --> 00:13:52,197
Wow, thanks.
304
00:13:52,259 --> 00:13:53,730
You're welcome. Oh.
305
00:13:53,761 --> 00:13:55,145
And, uh,
306
00:13:55,352 --> 00:13:58,500
eat your strangers and
don't talk to vegetables.
307
00:13:58,898 --> 00:13:59,940
Right.
308
00:13:59,987 --> 00:14:01,991
We can just keep that between
us, right, the Mother thing?
309
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,017
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
310
00:14:13,659 --> 00:14:15,388
Ah! Jesus!
311
00:14:17,225 --> 00:14:21,730
Word around campus is that
you're quite suddenly pansexual.
312
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,830
More like I've come to terms with it.
313
00:14:24,584 --> 00:14:26,542
Please tell me that you
haven't dragged anyone else
314
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:30,770
into this admittedly adorable
play for Sasha's affections.
315
00:14:30,895 --> 00:14:32,460
And choose your words wisely,
316
00:14:32,507 --> 00:14:34,891
like I might already know the answer.
317
00:14:34,964 --> 00:14:37,152
Maybe I just think Alex is hot
318
00:14:37,178 --> 00:14:40,125
and I want to do all the stuff with him.
319
00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:41,447
Oh, yeah?
320
00:14:41,482 --> 00:14:43,593
So you're gonna date a
dude to prove you're pan
321
00:14:43,629 --> 00:14:45,962
so Sasha thinks you're all woke-sexy.
322
00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:47,751
I find that highly offensive, Miss...
323
00:14:47,752 --> 00:14:49,285
- Doctor.
- Dr. Izzy.
324
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,361
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry. It's just sounds like those old soaps
325
00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:54,028
where the 19-year-old dime
is also a brain surgeon.
326
00:14:54,048 --> 00:14:56,081
Okay. I think there were
compliments baked in there,
327
00:14:56,097 --> 00:14:57,283
so I'm just gonna proceed...
328
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,079
You're hanging out with
someone who digs you
329
00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:00,690
and thinks you might dig him back,
330
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,090
so please just be
careful with his feelings.
331
00:15:06,553 --> 00:15:07,906
- Hello?
- Huh?
332
00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:09,733
You okay there, Dr. Izzy?
333
00:15:09,753 --> 00:15:10,930
Just be a decent person,
334
00:15:11,421 --> 00:15:13,067
is what I'm saying, okay?
335
00:15:13,192 --> 00:15:18,001
He's a human being with
feelings, not a car.
336
00:15:25,356 --> 00:15:26,450
Car?
337
00:15:28,892 --> 00:15:30,682
- Hey.
- I got the raise.
338
00:15:30,713 --> 00:15:32,107
Ah! Then we get the house!
339
00:15:32,447 --> 00:15:34,864
Okay. Tell me everything
you said, word for word.
340
00:15:34,869 --> 00:15:35,880
Don't leave anything out.
341
00:15:35,906 --> 00:15:38,177
Well, once you accidentally
call your boss "Mother,"
342
00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:40,014
everything else just
seems like a detail.
343
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,321
I once ended a phone call
with a collection agency
344
00:15:42,347 --> 00:15:43,400
with "I love you." And yes,
345
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,333
that is the real reason we
had to change our number.
346
00:15:45,357 --> 00:15:47,039
We did it, Em.
347
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:48,474
We're home.
348
00:15:48,484 --> 00:15:49,671
Yeah.
349
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:51,096
I love you.
350
00:15:51,468 --> 00:15:52,938
I love you more.
351
00:16:00,158 --> 00:16:01,759
Yep.
352
00:16:07,288 --> 00:16:09,723
Hey, your date's a hobo bottle?
353
00:16:10,363 --> 00:16:12,650
Um, canceled.
354
00:16:12,970 --> 00:16:15,035
You know, papers to grade.
355
00:16:17,642 --> 00:16:19,081
Hmm.
356
00:16:22,756 --> 00:16:24,568
You know, when I assigned
you "day drinking,"
357
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:27,108
I meant after school and off campus.
358
00:16:27,139 --> 00:16:29,136
Then I... Then I guess this is, like,
359
00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:34,057
super-mega-double badass, right?
360
00:16:34,421 --> 00:16:35,428
Extra credit?
361
00:16:35,464 --> 00:16:38,292
For sure, super badass,
yeah, until you get fired
362
00:16:38,323 --> 00:16:40,280
and the new boss wonders
how the fuck I got this job.
363
00:16:40,304 --> 00:16:42,164
Hmm. Interesting.
364
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,959
Are you wondering?
365
00:16:48,470 --> 00:16:50,916
All right, Drunky McDrunkerpants,
366
00:16:50,932 --> 00:16:52,300
let's get you out of here.
367
00:16:52,382 --> 00:16:53,382
Okay?
368
00:16:53,561 --> 00:16:56,193
- I'm bringing this.
- Mm-hmm.
369
00:16:56,622 --> 00:16:57,979
- Okay.
- Okay.
370
00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,843
Hello, friends.
371
00:17:00,545 --> 00:17:02,108
They're good friends.
372
00:17:02,175 --> 00:17:03,176
Go.
373
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:07,321
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.
374
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:09,397
Okay.
375
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:23,338
Hey!
376
00:17:23,512 --> 00:17:25,312
Hey, babe. I'm so sorry,
377
00:17:25,338 --> 00:17:27,969
- the girls were just impossible tonight and...
- Carm? Can you hear me?
378
00:17:27,993 --> 00:17:29,644
- Yes.
- Okay, good.
379
00:17:29,679 --> 00:17:32,190
I think my agents brought me
here to give me some bad news
380
00:17:32,199 --> 00:17:34,614
because, fun fact, no
one's ever offed themselves
381
00:17:34,635 --> 00:17:36,670
in a lobby bar playing
Duran Duran covers.
382
00:17:36,736 --> 00:17:38,859
Couldn't tell them you needed
a half-hour with the wife?
383
00:17:38,879 --> 00:17:40,199
Yo, Dave! Your drink's here!
384
00:17:40,231 --> 00:17:41,956
I knew you would understand!
385
00:17:42,081 --> 00:17:44,336
So, do you have any sequel ideas for me?
386
00:17:44,361 --> 00:17:45,471
I mean, you're the
writer in the the family.
387
00:17:45,486 --> 00:17:46,916
Could you help a hubby out?
388
00:17:50,451 --> 00:17:51,979
Sweetheart?
389
00:17:52,474 --> 00:17:54,482
You know, it feels like
we're about to glitch again.
390
00:17:54,503 --> 00:17:56,531
Really? But, uh, you're
coming in crystal clear.
391
00:17:56,572 --> 00:18:01,652
A. E. I. O. U.
392
00:18:01,677 --> 00:18:02,691
Are you doing, like, a...
393
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:04,272
was that just all the vowel sounds?
394
00:18:04,273 --> 00:18:06,276
Is that supposed to make... Okay.
395
00:18:06,307 --> 00:18:08,490
So that's your answer
then. I see. That's fi...
396
00:18:12,248 --> 00:18:14,375
You're on your own, champ.
397
00:18:15,748 --> 00:18:17,090
Oh, man.
398
00:18:17,756 --> 00:18:21,727
Okay. So, you completed the assignment.
399
00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:25,728
Please remove those
obscene abominations now.
400
00:18:25,819 --> 00:18:28,144
My sweet, sweet Crocs? Unh-unh.
401
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:31,728
Like I said... The world
may think they look weird,
402
00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:34,783
but to me they're just right.
403
00:18:35,302 --> 00:18:37,353
- Hmm.
- Beep, beep.
404
00:18:37,611 --> 00:18:40,013
Well, then, I hope you never catch them
405
00:18:40,034 --> 00:18:41,880
blowing your brother on Turkey Day.
406
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:43,797
You're concerned that
my shoes might fellate
407
00:18:43,817 --> 00:18:44,953
the brother I don't have.
408
00:18:46,030 --> 00:18:47,761
Booze is like LSD to you, huh?
409
00:18:47,810 --> 00:18:49,202
Shh.
410
00:18:49,327 --> 00:18:51,434
We're not really talking about shoes.
411
00:18:51,691 --> 00:18:54,392
- Oh, we're not?
- No.
412
00:18:54,409 --> 00:18:56,213
- Oh, my God.
- No, it's a meta-floor.
413
00:18:56,259 --> 00:18:58,526
- Mm-hmm.
- A matador.
414
00:18:58,547 --> 00:19:00,223
Mini... Minotaur.
415
00:19:00,227 --> 00:19:01,444
You're nai... You're nailing this.
416
00:19:01,468 --> 00:19:03,753
Yeah, right. Say it for me?
417
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:04,936
No, you say it.
418
00:19:05,153 --> 00:19:06,486
Meta-floor.
419
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,100
- Can't say it.
- Not even close.
420
00:19:09,121 --> 00:19:10,475
No.
421
00:19:11,029 --> 00:19:13,543
- What are you looking for?
- Oh, your balls.
422
00:19:13,668 --> 00:19:14,779
Oh!
423
00:19:14,815 --> 00:19:17,125
Okay, well, I mean, you
know, between the two of us,
424
00:19:17,151 --> 00:19:19,865
you are the way bigger wuss.
425
00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:22,905
You let two damaged sociopaths
426
00:19:22,926 --> 00:19:25,506
take a holiday away from you forever.
427
00:19:25,769 --> 00:19:28,299
Oh, that... that is nothing.
428
00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:30,936
You let a pregnant
suburban married couple
429
00:19:30,978 --> 00:19:32,738
take your entire life.
430
00:19:33,533 --> 00:19:36,500
I'm just trying to be a good friend
and give it to you straight-up.
431
00:19:36,671 --> 00:19:38,461
We met like three weeks ago, dude.
432
00:19:38,487 --> 00:19:39,958
You don't know shit.
433
00:19:40,484 --> 00:19:41,873
That's a shame.
434
00:19:43,242 --> 00:19:45,300
Let's play 20 questions.
435
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:48,078
Yeah.
436
00:19:48,113 --> 00:19:49,388
No.
437
00:19:50,292 --> 00:19:52,182
Well, okay.
438
00:19:52,307 --> 00:19:55,913
I'm preternaturally
intuitive, so five'll do.
439
00:19:55,996 --> 00:19:57,121
- Okay.
- Yeah.
440
00:19:57,131 --> 00:19:59,104
- Do you want to go first, or do I go first?
- I'll go first.
441
00:19:59,128 --> 00:20:00,770
Here it comes. Okay.
442
00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:04,293
- Um, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
443
00:20:04,372 --> 00:20:07,062
Close-in suburb or downtown?
444
00:20:07,187 --> 00:20:09,677
Oh. Pearl District forever.
445
00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:10,833
That was an easy one.
446
00:20:10,849 --> 00:20:12,334
- Yeah.
- Okay.
447
00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:16,536
Block party or authentic bar-bar?
448
00:20:16,572 --> 00:20:20,820
Another round of Rusty Nails
for me and the posse I don't got
449
00:20:21,149 --> 00:20:23,849
'cause I thought my wife was my bestie.
450
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:29,171
Okay.
451
00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,765
Uh, okay. Stay up all night.
452
00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:33,635
Are you watching the sun rise
453
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:37,293
- or whatever's on Netflix?
- Ooh. Sunrise every time.
454
00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:41,430
Get rich or change the world.
455
00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:43,332
Change the world.
456
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,768
No question.
457
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:47,199
And some day real soon, too.
458
00:20:48,386 --> 00:20:52,304
Let me guess... you were the
weird kid with the frizzy hair
459
00:20:52,324 --> 00:20:55,896
and rainbow braces
who demanded fair wages
460
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,848
for the cafeteria staff?
461
00:20:58,582 --> 00:21:01,650
Wow. That is... That is oddly specific.
462
00:21:01,685 --> 00:21:04,996
You talking about me or you?
463
00:21:06,292 --> 00:21:08,005
Yeah, me too.
464
00:21:08,191 --> 00:21:09,564
- Really?
- Yeah.
465
00:21:09,584 --> 00:21:11,679
- Cheers.
- I was a weirdo. Boop.
466
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,297
Okay. Pets?
467
00:21:14,615 --> 00:21:17,834
- Oh, yeah. Like, a whole bunch.
- Hmm.
468
00:21:17,867 --> 00:21:20,086
Yeah, and I would marry Seb,
469
00:21:20,211 --> 00:21:22,486
'cause I love him more than anything,
470
00:21:22,841 --> 00:21:24,749
not like in a weird way.
471
00:21:24,957 --> 00:21:27,718
Just so you know, I don't
think there's an un-weird way
472
00:21:27,756 --> 00:21:29,621
to marry your pets.
473
00:21:29,944 --> 00:21:31,656
Kids? Go.
474
00:21:31,905 --> 00:21:33,795
Two girls and a boy.
475
00:21:34,617 --> 00:21:36,034
You too?
476
00:21:37,187 --> 00:21:40,544
- What are your thoughts on pumpkin spice?
- You know,
477
00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:44,769
I don't know what that smell is
478
00:21:44,808 --> 00:21:47,686
but it is clearly not pumpkin or spice.
479
00:21:47,731 --> 00:21:49,789
- Thank you.
- Right?
480
00:21:50,232 --> 00:21:52,021
Fuck.
481
00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:54,767
Oh, my turn now.
482
00:21:54,892 --> 00:21:56,802
Unh-unh. There's no point.
483
00:21:56,854 --> 00:21:58,944
- Why not?
- You already gave all my answers.
484
00:21:59,002 --> 00:22:01,551
- Well, that's not fair.
- And you know, you're like...
485
00:22:02,428 --> 00:22:05,622
like, a nice guy and you're funny
486
00:22:05,982 --> 00:22:08,569
and sometimes you look at me
487
00:22:08,608 --> 00:22:10,724
like you used to draw me as a child.
488
00:22:12,543 --> 00:22:14,672
Have you been cyberstalking me?
489
00:22:14,797 --> 00:22:17,672
Wow, damn, your... your...
490
00:22:17,691 --> 00:22:20,614
your crazy totally just ate my drunk.
491
00:22:22,645 --> 00:22:24,090
- I'm happy.
- Mm.
492
00:22:24,123 --> 00:22:27,297
I'm happy. Okay? Zero second thoughts.
493
00:22:27,524 --> 00:22:29,810
So there's no point in test-driving you
494
00:22:29,831 --> 00:22:31,664
down the road not
traveled... less traveled.
495
00:22:31,700 --> 00:22:33,039
I don't know, whatever.
496
00:22:33,073 --> 00:22:35,533
How's... How's that? What?
497
00:22:36,075 --> 00:22:38,997
Is that what we're doing?
498
00:22:39,887 --> 00:22:42,429
You know, nothing that's
gonna get you in trouble, but
499
00:22:42,554 --> 00:22:45,300
just enough to imagine the alternative?
500
00:22:50,691 --> 00:22:52,902
- I...
- Mm-hmm.
501
00:22:53,145 --> 00:22:55,694
... would like to deny that.
502
00:22:58,120 --> 00:22:59,759
I'm sorry.
503
00:23:00,236 --> 00:23:02,114
I'm sorry. I'm a dick.
504
00:23:02,134 --> 00:23:04,146
It's... It's all good.
505
00:23:08,559 --> 00:23:10,359
Do they really love you?
506
00:23:12,279 --> 00:23:14,217
And you really love them?
507
00:23:15,115 --> 00:23:16,714
Yeah.
508
00:23:20,487 --> 00:23:22,965
Look, Izzy, um...
509
00:23:23,629 --> 00:23:25,203
You're gonna walk me home.
510
00:23:25,214 --> 00:23:27,442
- I am?
- Yes.
511
00:23:28,260 --> 00:23:30,127
You're gonna be a gentleman
512
00:23:30,252 --> 00:23:32,861
and you're gonna walk me
home and you're gonna come in
513
00:23:32,874 --> 00:23:36,276
and you're gonna say hello
to Jack and Emma. Why?
514
00:23:36,309 --> 00:23:38,857
- Why?
- Because we are friends, all of us,
515
00:23:38,915 --> 00:23:42,877
nothing to hide. Nothing
to see here, move it along.
516
00:23:42,917 --> 00:23:45,062
- Mm.
- Am I right, friend?
517
00:23:49,381 --> 00:23:51,281
Right, friend.
518
00:23:51,317 --> 00:23:52,950
I'll bring this.
519
00:23:53,151 --> 00:23:57,498
Party bus is on the move.
520
00:23:57,506 --> 00:23:59,401
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
521
00:23:59,425 --> 00:24:01,191
You want to get rid of those, probably.
522
00:24:01,316 --> 00:24:03,175
Hmm, I don't know.
523
00:24:06,513 --> 00:24:08,375
Thanks for coming over, bud.
524
00:24:08,399 --> 00:24:11,958
I didn't realize "Queer
Eye" would be so moving.
525
00:24:11,990 --> 00:24:14,494
I promise not to tell anybody
about the wide-open sobbing
526
00:24:14,552 --> 00:24:16,873
if you, uh, stop calling me "bud."
527
00:24:16,908 --> 00:24:18,346
I get the point.
528
00:24:18,533 --> 00:24:19,740
What? No! I...
529
00:24:19,759 --> 00:24:21,455
Not every two queers are
gonna be into each other.
530
00:24:21,479 --> 00:24:23,294
It's cool, "bud."
531
00:24:24,149 --> 00:24:26,019
Seriously, Gabriel.
532
00:24:26,484 --> 00:24:27,603
It's cool.
533
00:24:27,650 --> 00:24:29,879
Alex, I like you.
534
00:24:29,895 --> 00:24:31,701
I think you're smart and funny.
535
00:24:32,052 --> 00:24:33,533
I just...
536
00:24:33,719 --> 00:24:35,357
I'm trying to figure shit out right now.
537
00:24:35,536 --> 00:24:38,726
Maybe this will help?
538
00:24:42,009 --> 00:24:43,893
Fuck. I totally misread that moment.
539
00:24:43,914 --> 00:24:46,970
- I am so sorry.
- God damn it, Izzy was right. I...
540
00:24:48,348 --> 00:24:50,573
- What're you talking about?
- Alex, look.
541
00:24:50,578 --> 00:24:52,621
You're a lot of things that I'm not.
542
00:24:52,678 --> 00:24:56,235
Like a decent human being.
543
00:24:56,881 --> 00:24:58,485
Into other guys.
544
00:24:58,558 --> 00:25:00,111
- Wait. What?
- I'm straight.
545
00:25:00,173 --> 00:25:02,682
- Like, like, weirdly straight.
- Then why...
546
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,764
I thought Sasha would find it cool. I...
547
00:25:05,889 --> 00:25:08,127
Look, we can still be friends.
548
00:25:09,230 --> 00:25:11,507
My mother says your dad's
a fucking Neanderthal.
549
00:25:11,540 --> 00:25:12,827
Alex, come on.
550
00:25:12,862 --> 00:25:15,369
Like father, like son. Hmm.
551
00:25:23,873 --> 00:25:26,540
"HOA Violation.
552
00:25:26,576 --> 00:25:32,513
Marigold isn't on the approved
list for exterior doors."
553
00:25:32,548 --> 00:25:34,115
Izzy?
554
00:25:34,150 --> 00:25:38,752
- Are you... Are you okay?
- Fuck Lala.
555
00:25:38,822 --> 00:25:41,221
Fuck Hawthorne Heights.
556
00:25:41,256 --> 00:25:44,475
I am so tired of dealing
with this bullshit.
557
00:25:44,492 --> 00:25:45,823
Wait here.
558
00:25:45,855 --> 00:25:48,939
It's a... It's a good idea.
559
00:25:49,064 --> 00:25:52,868
We both know it's insane
560
00:25:52,993 --> 00:25:56,888
We know it's not right,
but we do it the same
561
00:25:56,940 --> 00:25:59,894
When you kiss me
that way, it's okay
562
00:25:59,926 --> 00:26:01,262
I say "Oh, no
563
00:26:01,313 --> 00:26:03,674
What you doin'?
564
00:26:03,712 --> 00:26:05,965
Oh, no...
565
00:26:12,977 --> 00:26:14,719
Okay.
566
00:26:18,377 --> 00:26:21,261
This is, uh, a little clich?.
567
00:26:24,532 --> 00:26:26,261
What happened?
568
00:26:27,177 --> 00:26:30,637
I'm not pan. Or gay. Or bi.
569
00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:32,165
I know.
570
00:26:33,308 --> 00:26:34,907
I fucked up so bad.
571
00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:37,501
You actually went out with Alex?
572
00:26:40,061 --> 00:26:42,048
Yeah, you definitely fucked up.
573
00:26:42,074 --> 00:26:44,643
Um, what were you thinking?
574
00:26:45,736 --> 00:26:47,865
- Tell me.
- He's right...
575
00:26:48,045 --> 00:26:50,549
I'm such an asshole,
just like my father.
576
00:26:50,674 --> 00:26:52,555
I never should've used him like that.
577
00:26:52,559 --> 00:26:55,864
I never should have
dared you. We're both...
578
00:26:57,058 --> 00:26:59,331
We're both assholes.
579
00:26:59,456 --> 00:27:01,819
But we're gonna make it right.
580
00:27:02,469 --> 00:27:05,186
I wish I could just go back in time
581
00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:07,986
and do what I wanted to
do in the first place.
582
00:27:08,374 --> 00:27:09,985
What?
583
00:27:33,733 --> 00:27:35,832
Any sober second thoughts?
584
00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:41,206
Do you see any sober people
around here? 'Cause I... I don't.
585
00:27:41,241 --> 00:27:43,672
Okay.
586
00:27:44,244 --> 00:27:46,143
Okay, on three.
587
00:27:46,178 --> 00:27:48,145
- One...
- No, this way.
588
00:27:48,180 --> 00:27:51,663
Yeah. One, two, three.
589
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:04,000
590
00:28:04,050 --> 00:28:08,600
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