Original subtitles

HOOVES CLOP

DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE

How long do these things usually last? I have appalling cramp!

As long as it takes, son. The trick is to stretch out every half hour.

If you get too cold... Yes?

..piss yourself! HE LAUGHS

So much they didn't teach at college!

Budge up. What's happening?

You're not police. Your dad said, on no account, am I to tell you about this stakeout.

Ooh, a stakeout! Nor am I giving you these binoculars.

She's stashing something. Let's nick her.

Check the bag for diamonds first. Then nick her?

Nicking's the bets bit. GO!

Bad luck, Rabbit.

This is Inspector Tanner's case.

What a dolly plonker you are! That's my bleeding tipoff. You're not having it, old bean.

It's more my sort of thing, really.

"Tanner of the Yard Catches the Beauty Behind Jewel—Smuggling Ring."

They'll be kissing my arse from Tower Hill to Buck's Row. Chin—chin!

Was something ticking? Yeah.

Tanner! If I was you, I—I'd put that bag down.

If I was you, Rabbit, I'd shut my cock holster!

It's every man for himself these days!

Holy fu...

HORSE NEIGHS There he goes.

HE COUGHS

# Step it away, Brick Man Step it up and down

# Step it away, Brick Man London Town

# Step it away, brick man Step it up and down

♪ Step it away, Brick Man, All fall down... ♪

How's Tanner? What news from the hospital?

Well, he's alive but he's lost some bits.

Which bits?

Er, a straight bit, a round bit, a curly bit.

I'm not really a doctor.

I've seen those all over the place.

It's nearly Brick Night.

You can't have Brick Night without... Brick Man.

Naturally. What are you talking about?

It's an East End thing. Don't they have bricks in Incest—Upon—Avon?

And every Brick Night, Brick Man steps out of Brick World.

He wears brick clothes and has a brick face

and if you don't believe in him, he stabs you in the neck repeatedly with his brick knife.

It's just a bit of fun for the kids.

No, Brick Man, no! Where did you get this ridiculous talisman?

This is blasphemy!

There is no such thing as Brick Man.

Oi, Bible Boy!

If you want a fight with someone, you fight me.

No, actually, fight him. He's fitter and I can't be arsed.

Heathens!

There you go, girl, have a penny. Buy yourself a new doll.

They're sixpence. Yeah, well, you can fuck that.

In your name, My Lord,

I cleanse this city

of false idols!

CHILD SINGS EERIE LULLABY

SNARLING

SLOW FOOTSTEPS

Now do you believe?

Please! I beg you!

HE SCREAMS

♪ It all falls down ♪

There's been a murder. Fucking brilliant! Shut it!

Duck Pond Lane. A stabbing in the neck.

And in the wound, a quantity of red dust.

Looks like your mum's cooking, John! LAUGHTER

A Brick Man imitator.

A du—brick—ate, if you will!

I want this cracked like a witch's mirror.

You should use psychology. It don't exist, Guv. We need to get out there and break some fingers.

Find some leads and break their fingers.

Find the culprits and break their fingers.

Find the lead's culprits and break their fingers.

Get right up inside the fingers. Finger the fingerers.

It's all about the fingers.

Do it. We are dealing with one sick individual.

Sounds to me like someone needs to shit or get off the pot.

Rabbit, Strauss, go solve this.

Not now! When I say!

I now say.

Er, not you!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come.

My weekly report, ma'am.

Mm! Proceed.

Erm, the attempt to end the lives

of Rabbit and his associates...

Let me stop you there, Maud.

We don't attempt,

we do. Indeed, ma'am!

And a second operation

will...

SHE CROAKS What's that?

Mm.

Could someone bring me my street shoes?

I've got work to do.

You can't be police,

even if I wanted you to, which I don't!

I'm as good as any bloke in there. I'm a fist with legs.

Why can't you think about the things women are meant to think about?

Spaniels wearing ribbons! Kittens in moonlight!

Come on, Dad, give me anything,

no matter how small. HE SIGHS

Well, there is a new crime wave we need to stop.

I'm your man! Who isn't a man!

BELL RINGS Stop bicycle theft.

SHE GROANS

Come and join our Whitechapel Historical Fellowship.

Hello.

Hello. Would you like to join our Historical Fellowship?

Fascinating lectures with no distractions.

We pride ourselves on our lack of refreshments.

No. I think he only stopped because your daughter was giving him the salmon.

We've got stuff to do. Come on.

Good bye. Good bye!

I can't breathe. My legs are like jelly.

My mind's racing. Is this love?

No. We just passed the hat factory.

You're off your tits on airborne mercury.

It's that bell—end from yesterday. May God rest your soul.

It doesn't make sense. The night—watchman was right nearby but nobody saw the killer.

No trace. There's always a trace!

Brick dust.

Look.

This is the way to do it, Strauss. None of your psycho—rology twallocks.

Psychologists say one's father greatly influences a chap's character.

My father certainly did the three times a year I met him.

I never knew my dad. I know he named us after animals.

There's Leopard, me brother, me sister Weasel.

He wrote the names on our heads before dumping us outside a church.

Good grief!

A brick wall.

Just as the street ends on a brick wall

does cold science too have its limits.

Is Brick Man real? Could this be the door to the Brick World?

WATER TRICKLES

Or that's the way in. The jury's still out, really.

Hello. The police are giving free advice on how to secure your bicycle.

And what's that?

The chain. You shouldn't just secure the front wheels

because the little shits willjust nick the rest.

Move. How come they let one of you lot in the police?

Women do a lot of things now.

That's not what I meant.

I'm gonna count to two

and you're gonna fuck right off or I'll show you just how police I can be.

One...

Oh! MABEL YELLS

HE GRUNTS & GROANS

HE COUGHS Not so chatty now, you racist shit!

SHE GRUNTS

Thank you. Don't mention it. Us girls, we've got to look out for each other.

So, where were we? Don't worry.

There's been a change of plan.

HE GRUNTS

"Other dimensions" my puckered arse! This is how Brick Man gets about.

London sewers, best in the world they say.

I'm not sure "they" spent a lot of time down here. Ssh! What was that noise?

CLANG! Inspector, I think I saw something!

Ugh! That felt like a brick!

Run!

APPLAUSE Bravo, Tanner! Welcome back, sir!

Welcome back, sir.

Who was she, the bomber?

The trail's gone cold, sir. We think maybe there was no jewel—smuggling ring.

The bomb was rigged for Rabbit.

Quite a nice job they've done on your bonce, sir.

It'll take more than a bang to stop brave Tanner of the Yard. I'll tell you about bravery, son!

In the Sudan, I watched blokes getting their ears blown off.

Young fellas ripped in two by frightened horses.

One poor Welsh lad smacked his turkey purse on a barbed—wire fence

and watched his little peanuts fall into the grateful mouth of a desert shrew.

The look on his face —

horrific!

This was meant for Rabbit.

And while there's puff in my gruff and wind in my whistle,

I will make sure

he gets what's coming to him.

Stop!

Or at least slow down by 25 percent!

'Allo, Brick Man! I'm Police Man.

I've come to arrest the living shit out of you.

Oh, Lord, it's you! I didn't see it was you, Mr Rabbit!

I thought you were some new lads working my patch!

Who is this sewer dweller? This is Murky John.

He's a tosher. Ooh, what's that?

I'm compiling a list of appalling East End occupations.

We scavenge the sewers for anything worth a few bob.

Is that legal? What you might call a grey area.

Rabbit, how about this for the lady in your life?

Don't think you can bribe me, Murket. Actually, that's quite nice.

You have the worst job I've encountered.

There's a few downsides.

Crowding, cholera, tetanus.

The build—up of flammable gases exploding into a huge fireball.

The rats dragging you off to feed to the rat king.

Have you seen anything weird lately, Murky John? Last night,

a gentleman walking the pipes!

Brick coat, brick hat,

brick face!

The toshers are scared, Rabbit!

Catch him, before he comes for us all!

Oof!

Morning, Rabbit. THUDDING

Breakfast?

THUDDING CONTINUES

Is that banging inside my head or is that for real?

Bastards are putting electric lights down the streets.

Bad for business running a pub under electric light.

Why is that? Makes me look older.

I'm what you call a smog beauty.

Course you are, girl.

Hang on.

Oi! What's your game, soppy nuts?

Brick Man struck again last night! But he can't come through no walls if we knock 'em down first!

Oh, gawd! Where was it?

Oakwood Row.

You do that again, dick boy, and I'll lop 'em off with a spoon!

Brick Man. It's the Brick Man.

Let me guess. No witnesses.

Why won't you coppers catch Brick Man?

You don't give a monkeys about the likes of us! Too right, mate! Shut your mouth, you old bastard.

We should break every brick wall in London Town!

Smash that bleeding wall!

ALL: Smash the bleeding wall!

Smash the bleeding wall!

Listen, Mr Larkham — No. You listen!

People are scared of bricks, for Christ's sake!

I've got 200 workers in my brick works. If we close today, they don't eat tomorrow.

Why not? Because I don't pay them enough!

Find the killer! I've got me best people on it!

What have you got?

He moves through the sewers, so I was thinking we should form a shit squad.

A shit squad? A shit squad. I think you already have.

A squad made up of men who don't mind getting their hands dirty,

men who'll wade in shit,

toss shit, eat shit, juggle shit,

swim in shit.

Shitty men.

Shitty coppers.

I'd be proud to stand alongside Inspector Rabbit.

You're not going to put that clown Rabbit on it, are you? Rabbit's one of my best wrong—'un banger—uppers!

Who's that girl who took down that bag—snatcher? She's showing your lot right up.

Mabel? Get her on it! But —

Wisbech, I am a friend of the Home Secretary, we play petanque together.

If you can't find this murderer, he will get in someone who can!

Good day.

Mr Larkham, you're a very rich and powerful man, two qualities I admire greatly.

Mm. Never mind that. Tell me, what happened to Rabbit's eyebrow?

His dog bit it off or something at Christmastime.

Oh. But everyone needs a friend in the station.

I could be such a friend for you, sir.

What's left of my left eye just winked at you.

Mabel? Hm?

You're on Brick Man with these two. Yes!

You won't regret it. But if you do, it'll be too late so who cares?

Well done, girl. But don't bollock on about — Psychology!

We need to get inside the killer's head.

So, what's his history with Brick Man?

The Historical Fellowship!

She's the one I want to see!

I mean, she's the one we want to see. Sorry, they're the ones we want to see.

About Brick Man? Yeah.

Come on, horny boy.

Police.

Police.

As good as police. Everyone say I'm police for now.

Tell us about Brick Man.

The whole lot. And look sharp because I get bored real easy.

Er, please, take a seat.

How old do you think the legend of the Brick Man is?

I ain't got a bleeding clue, mate.

What if I were to tell you

that he was a mere 50 years old this year?

Well, then, I would tell you, "Fancy that!"

His first appearance in an advertisement for Larkham Bricks,

founded by SirJohn Larkham. We met his son. He's a bell—end.

He's actually a patron of ours and he's a wonderful man. He's a wonderful bell—end.

We've not been properly introduced. Sergeant Strauss. Harriet.

You're awfully young for a policeman. You're very young for an historian!

Once, this was all countryside,

and then the East End was built from Larkham bricks, with Brick Man the star!

But this Brick Man's got this smiling gob.

He don't look much like the stabbing type.

Well, once the East End was built

demand for bricks dropped,

so they gave Brick Man an edgy rebrand.

Bugger me!

A public relations disaster. The adverts were withdrawn.

But the myth had begun.

Maybe somebody wants to close down the brick factory. They're going the wrong way about it. Scares pass!

You can knock down every wall in London but then you have to rebuild,

and what do you use?

Bricks! And Mr Larkham will make a fortune.

Did Larkham ever dress up as Brick Man?

Hang on! Yes!

For the Lord Mayor's Parade.

Look.

I was thinking, erm, do you like dancing?

I don't know! No—one's ever requested a dance.

That's funny because I've never had anyone to ask!

Would you like to? Yes.

HE STAMMERS

Are you two gonna fuck or what?

I call it like I see it. It's just me being me.

Move.

Did you find the murderer yet? Let's hope so.

Cuff him!

What? Oh!

Thank you for ruining my only chance of happiness. Relax. England's chock—a—block with mousey girls.

You're making a big mistake, Rabbit.

Am I now? You do not have to say anything because it might...

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Get rid of the prick. Unbelievable! Knobhead.

Brick Man strikes again! Police fucking useless!

Our kids ain't safe! Lazy bleedin' coppers,

can't even chase our monster into its own dimension!

CROWD JEER

Are you mad?

Where's your evidence? We know your big mistake.

You killed wearing a Brick Man company costume.

The thing is, it wasn't waterproof.

You still had sewer water in your shoes.

That's a nice pipe. We use water to make bricks, you fucking idiot!

Release me now or you'll regret it.

All right. You're free to go. Thank you.

Oh, no, hang on. I found this in your coat pocket.

I've never seen that before.

It matches the other half found at the crime scene.

Please! You planted it!

Why would I kill anyone? Hm?

Father issues. Your dad built the brick factory but now it's in trouble.

You're killing to show the world you're just as good as he is.

SHE COUGHS You all right, girl?

She's right. Though I still think this psycho—horror—tree is total bullshit.

My father was worth a dozen of yours, Rabbit. No, make that a hundred!

Oh, yes! I knew your papa all right!

A rotten ball of meat and whisky in the shape of a man. And your mother wasn't much better.

HE CHUCKLES

I laughed like a drain when they pulled her out of the Thames.

Sergeant Strauss, would you lock the door?

Sergeant Strauss, would you unlock the door? Agh!

Well, well...

What the bloody hell's been going on here?

He's the killer! No, Rabbit!

The killer just struck again at Meadow Hill!

You're free to go.

You're a dead man.

Dead!

Shit.

ANGRY SHOUTING

This is the work of your local police!

They will not protect people like you!

Nor me, the common factory owner in the street!

It's about time the police get what's coming to them!

Larkham's behind this and he's got accomplices. That ain't guesswork, I bloody know it!

Erm, chaps, it's looking pretty dicey out there!

MOB SHOUT ANGRILY

Hold on a blinking, bleeding, fucking second!

Meadow Hill, Oakwood Row, Duck Pond Lane,

they're rural countryside—y names, and Larkham hates that!

He wants the whole world bricked over. That's why he kills!

And because he's got the taste. He's got the taste! The killer's got a pattern!

It's the shape of a brick. It's three dots! That could be any pattern.

Hold up.

Barley Lane. The shape of a brick! OK, fair enough.

That's where he's going to strike next.

How do we get through the riot? We blend in.

Perfect!

What do we do now? We wait.

Can I just say what wonderful people you are? Shut up.

If anything happens, it's been a privilege to serve with a fine officer

and someone pretending to be an officer.

Ssh! EERIE LULLABY

I think this might be a waste of time.

RABBIT SCREAMS Inspector!

# Walls...

♪ ..fall down ♪

It's the brick world! It's all true!

This is the sewers. Smell the gases. And shit.

Mainly shit.

Where are you, Larkham?

None of you believed.

You couldn't have dragged the three of us down here on your own, you'd have needed help.

Murky John, I bet.

Those toshers, they know the sewers.

Those how do not believe...

..die.

The funny thing is, Larkham, I left you with a limp,

and now you ain't got one, Larkham. So I reckon, Larkham, you ain't Larkham.

Who is it?

Who else knew about Brick Man and what we was up to?

THEY GIGGLE History!

The history twats!

Too late. I'm going to cut you from arsehole...

..to breakfast time. THEY WINCE

Harriet, why are you pretending to be in league with this villain?

Don't bother, son.

She hates us as much as she hates bricks. Shut yer funnel!

She wishes England was green again. You want the Lost World.

The Larkhams bricked over Paradise! Did I say that you could fucking speak?

So you wanna make people scared of bricks so they flee the city.

But why plant the doll on Larkham?

So you would arrest him.

And then he would be at the station

and, bang!, we strike!

Can I just check, what we had between us,

was that real?

What do you think, you chinless bucket?

Is it a yes?

When your mangled bodies are found, the city will empty.

And then nature can take back what is hers!

All this for some nettles?

I say, Dad,

you couldn't light a fag for us, could you, before you do us in? They're in me top pocket.

Did I say that you could move? No, clear.

Then, stay where you were.

It's a trap. Sorry, dear.

You know what? My dad was a wanker, but you're worse, mate.

She's clearly needed boundaries her entire life!

You've given her fuck all!

You know what?

You can have a cigarette.

No, he can't, you gaping dick!

Young lady, I have spent countless hours in this uncomfortable costume

helping you with your killing and mutilating.

A thank—you wouldn't hurt. Come on, Chief, I'm gasping here.

I won't fucking tell you again, Dad!

Do not do it!

SCREAMING

MANHOLE CLANGS Sorry, fellas,

I forgot to warn you about the build—up of highly flammable gases.

Strauss, cuff 'em. Righto.

There's plenty of bricks where you're going!

That's nice. Did you think of that just now or hours ago?

Just now. Ha!

Liar!

When a policeman meets someone and falls in love,

does she always turn out to be a killer? No.

Sometimes she gets killed. On the morning of your wedding day.

Rabbit, the doctor's report on Larkham's injuries.

Pfft! I'lljust buy him a cocktail.

Size of that, I'll have to buy him the pub!

The Home Secretary's involved!

There's gonna be an enquiry. Police brutality!

You what? Well, you could vouch for me.

He hit me first! That might even be true!

Come back — Guess who's in charge of the enquiry.

You're joking?

C'est moi.

Does that mean it's you? Don't worry, darling, I'll be completely impartial.

And then I'm gonna melt you down, my old china.

Run, Rabbit,

run!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello? Oh, er, Lydia?

Ah! Miss Wisbech!

I am so glad you accepted my invitation. Do come in.

Thank you.

I have a little club for women.

We believe that women are the future.

I've been looking for something like that my whole life.

That, and a corset that doesn't make my kidneys pop out my ears.

I think you and I are going to become great friends.

Tea? Yes, please.

That's nice.

Do you take lemon? Lemon?

Is that new?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media