All language subtitles for What.Would.Sal.Do.S01E07_English

The following
presentation is rated 18A.

This presentation deals
with mature subject matter

and contains scenes
with coarse language,

nudity, sexuality, and violence.

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What Would Sal Do?

[MOANING]

You fucked my
husband in my bed.

[HORN HONKING]

It wasn't like that. How was it, then?

You got a girlfriend, Sal? No.

There's this one
girl, though, but... But nothing.

Love's the only
thing that matters, Sal.

Sal... Sal... You're the one
that said that...

[GLASS SHATTERING] Oh, shit. Hey.

WOMAN: Stop it!
Don't... Stop it!

SAL: Let's go, Vince.

The test came back
from your mammogram,

and we found a lump
on your right breast.

A lump? Holy shit. Try not to...

Worry.

This entire institution
was built on miracles.

No! It was built on
fucking money!

And until you get
that through your
thick, fucking head,

you will never be a Bishop!

Mmm.

[YAWNING]

Oh, fuck. Mornin', buddy.

[YAWNING] Fuck.

Asian...

Pregnant...

MILFs.

FEMALE VOICE: [FROM COMPUTER]
Next, raise your arms
high overhead.

Look for any changes in
the contour, any swelling,

dimpling of the skin,
or changes in nipples.

A lump can sometimes
even be found in the armpit.

Take your time.

FEMALE VOICE: [FROM PHONE]
Oh! Grab my juicy tits.

I wanna grab those
juicy tits,
you fuckin' MILF.

[MOANING] Put your hands
on them. Oh, yeah!

[MOANING]

Oh! Oh, yeah.
Just like that, baby.

Oh, keep going, yeah.

Fuck.

[SIGHS]

Are you more sensitive
in certain areas?

[MUFFLED VOICE FROM COMPUTER]

Next, use your fingers
to gently massage... Ma?

...areas of the breast.

[STAMMERING] What
do you want?

Nothing, what are you
doing in there?

Do you need the bathroom?

No.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Every one of us is
responsible for the life
that God has given us.

And because it is God

who is the sovereign
master of life,

we are obliged
to preserve life...

Any idea how he'll navigate
the suicide issue?

What issue?

That suicide's the
ultimate sin and he's
going to hell?

How do you not know this? I know this.

Watch.

Every one among us
is responsible

for the life that God
has given us.

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

We are obliged to
protect life. [WHISTLES]

We are stewards...

Hey, Father Luke! [CLEARS THROAT]

Father Luke.

We...Hey, Father Luke.

We... [WHISTLES]

Hey, hey, Father Luke.

Ahem. Okay, well, it looks
like we have a question
from the audience.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[IMITATES VOCAL EXERCISES]

Okay, uh,

you know how the bible says,

thou shalt not self-suicide
yourself or you'll go to hell?

Well, what kind of
half-stacked logic is that?

I mean, that's like
going to jail for
stealing your own car, no?

[CHUCKLES]
Any other questions?

Yeah, is Harold going
to heaven or not?

We can discuss this later.

Okay, look.

If everything is
according to God's plan,

that means God planned
for Harold to blow
his skull apart.

Which means, God should
go to hell, no?

It's a little more
complicated than that.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
make it simple.

Harold was a nice guy.

I know because you don't
meet too many of them

and when you do,
they stand out.

So if anyone's
going to heaven,

it's that beautiful son
of a bitch in there.

Fuckin' amen.

I took a course in
public speaking.

FATHER LUKE: First of all,
funerals are not
town hall meetings.

We do not take questions.

And, if there's anyone that
can save his spirit,

it's you, through prayer.

It's one of your powers.

You know what I'm going
to do instead, Father?

I'm just gonna honor Harold
by following his example

and listening to some
of the amazing... Hmm.

...advice he gave me. Ah!

What about my advice?
You never take that.

When have you ever
given me advice?

Oh, here's a little
bit of advice.

Don't be such a shit!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Whoa. Okay,

I'm going to collect the
fee for the service,
I'll be right back.

You should give them
a discount, 'cause

that was a fuckin'
circus, Father.

Oh, gee.

What advice did he give you?

Oh, I already forgot.
I barely listen when
that nerd talks.

No, no, uncle Harold?

Oh, Harold?

Yeah, he told me if there was
someone I cared about,
that I should go after her.

Nicole. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna honor Harold
by finding a way to make her

the girl on the end of my
dink for the rest of my life.

Easy.

Now that Daryl's
cheating on her...

Daryl's what now?

Oh, shit! I didn't
even tell you.

What? Didn't tell
me what, Chooch?

[SIGHS]

At the bar, before
the fight happened,

I saw him with a girl.

You... You saw Daryl,
douche bag Daryl,
at that bar?

Yes.

Why didn't you tell me this?

Well, I tried, but then
the fight happened,
and it just got crazy.

Oh, great, so we saved
Harold from getting
punched in the face

long enough for him
to shoot himself in the face.

Chooch, you gotta
tell me this stuff

and then I'll decide
what we do with
the information.

I goofed that one. You goofed it.

You goofed it. I goofed it.

I just can't believe Daryl

was cheating on Nicole
in the same bar that we
were in with Harold

when he told me that
I should get with Nicole.

That's a sign.

She moved in with
that half-stack.

You know where he lives?

No.

But I know someone
who does.

Sal, what do you want?

See how my
old pal's doing.

How are you doing? How am I?

Well, I don't know, Sal,
let's see,

my hair's amazing, my teeth
are geometrically perfect

and it's a God damn
honor to look at
myself in the mirror.

So, I don't know,
what the fuck do you want?

Also looking for
an update on my case.

Your case? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, well, your case
is relatively simple.

What's going to happen is
you're going to pay a fine.

And then you will likely be
caught with your dick in
another whore's hand

by the end of the month.

You know Nicole and I
are together, right?

Yeah, she might have
mentioned something
in passing.

Oh, yeah, in passing?

Yeah, maybe. Well, it's going
really great.

Hmm. Like, really
perverted great.

Hmm. Yeah.

And, oh, God,

what a treat it is
to have your balls

emptied by a pro
every single night.

[GROANING]

Look at us, eh?
Just like high school.

Just like old times.
You and me here.

What the fuck do
you want?

To send you chocolates.

Chocolates? Yeah, I was thinking about
sending chocolates

to your home.

As, like, a thank you gift.
It's kind of a personal thing,

so I don't want to send
them to the office, so...

If I could get your
home address...

Chocolates? Yeah.

No, and what you really want

is you want to tell Nicole
that you saw me making out
with that girl at the bar.

Am I right?

That's why
you're here, right?

You want to tell Nicole.

You're God damn right.

You slimy piece of shit.

She fuckin'
deserves to know.

Okay.

Okay, what?

This is my number

and my home address. [CHUCKLING]

Yep. Tell her everything.

Well, I'll fuckin' do it. No, I know.

Yeah. Okay. I know you will.

But who the fuck do
you think she's going
to believe?

The high school dropout
who still lives at home
with mommy. That's you.

The idiot who's literally
done nothing in his life

or the ridiculously
hot lawyer who would

fuck himself
if it were
medically possible,

who's currently putting
her through school

and got her out of jerking
off idiots like you?

I don't know. Well, we like to say
we've got a 50-50 shot.

Get the fuck outta here.

No problem, I got
what I came for,
you fuckin' douche.

Is that a house,
or a building?

Oh, my mistake,
it's actually...

[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]

No, I'm so sorry,
yeah, it's uh...

Before the elevator,
you're gonna love it.

Fuckin gook... They play great music
in the elevator.

Sex with Joe,
what were you thinking?

Thinking? [CHUCKLES]
I could barely see straight.

Well, you don't sound
very remorseful.

Of course I am.

Doesn't mean it didn't
feel amazing.

Well, this is a disaster,
Maria.

How does that feel?

I was just trying
to make things right.

Well, wonderful job, Maria.

Everything that we've worked
for for 30 years, done.
Out the window.

Well, I guess we can
say goodbye to

anybody thinking he's
the Second Coming.

And as for Bishop... Oh, that's your real
problem, isn't it?

No, real problem
is your penance.

Why don't you take your
penance and shove it?

Maria!

Maria!

What has gotten into you?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm scared.

They found a lump
on my breast.

Hey.

Sal, Sal, Sal. What? What?

Are you good to
get home on your own? No.

Well, what do you want
me to do, just wait here?

Yeah, fuckin' wait here.

It's not like you have
anything else going on, Vince.

Have you told Sal yet?

I haven't been able to.

And I don't want to pull
focus from his purpose.

He's doing so well. [SIGHS] I know.

Wait a second.

This might be exactly what
Sal needs to focus on.

What do you mean? This is the chance
for Sal

to perform the miracle
of miracles.

That is a blessed lump.
It's a sign.

I think you should call Sal.

[PHONE RINGING]

NICOLE: Hello? Hello.

What the hell? Hey.

What the hell
are you doing here? Sorry, just...

I know it's weird... How did you find me?

How did you get up here?Just let me talk to you
for one second, please.

I saw Daryl

at a bar, making out with
this chick that was not you.

You broke in here because
you're jealous of Daryl?

Look, if anything, Daryl,

that dude should be
jealous of me.

[LAUGHING] Why are you laughing?

All right, okay, this
I want to hear.

What are you...
All right, fine.

Uh... Cool.

Yeah, okay.

'Cause I fuckin'...
I want you to hear this,
right. Um...

So recently,

my Ma told me... Oh, my God, your Ma?

Why are you giving me
a hard time?
I said two words.

You said you wanted
to hear my story.

You gonna listen?

I'm sorry, go ahead.

Okay, recently,
my Ma told me

that when she was
pregnant with me,

she was still
a virgin,

which makes me
the Second Coming.

Of what? Of what? Of Christ.

What?

I know it sounds crazy.
I didn't believe it at first,

but now I'm really starting
to think it's true, you know?

Look, I healed a blind man
with my bare hands, okay?

I brought a guy back to life
who was almost dead choking
on a mozzarella stick

and I gave a baby a whole
brand new better life.

Sal, listen to me.

I think your Ma has problems.

Don't say that.
Why would you say that?

It's either that,
or she's lying to you.

My mother
has never lied to me.

Really? Really.

Did she tell you that
there was a Santa Claus?

Nope.

That's actually kind of
heartbreaking.

It's not heartbreaking.
It's proof.

That my mother never
lied to me, okay.

Why would she? Hmm?

Because maybe
a lie is easier than
telling the truth.

What truth, hmm?

She didn't exactly do a
very good job with you, so.

That's bullshit.

You're talking bullshit.

Yeah? Yeah.

Bullshit.

A parent's number one job
is to provide their children

with the tools that they need
to survive in this world.

I got survival tools.Yeah? Look at you. What'd
your mom provide you with?

You're 30 years old
and you're rocking
tear-away pants,

you live at home
with your mother

and you have no job!

And the one thing
that your mother
could give you

is the belief that you're
the Second fucking Coming?

Come on, Sal!

All right, you gotta go.

[STAMMERING] Look, look,
you remember when you told me

when I got you your old
apartment back?

You said that was a miracle.

That's just something
that people say.

It's not just something
that people say, it's real.

Look, I'm sorry.

You told me you wanna
be with somebody

who knows what they want.

Okay, I know what I want.

I wanna help people.

So that's why I'm here,
telling you that Daryl's
no good for you.

Well, then, who is?

We both know that I am.

What are you doing?

If you don't leave,
I'm gonna call the cops.

[ELEVATOR BEEPING]

Sal. Fuck.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Sal, are you okay?

[HORN HONKING] [TIRES SCREECHING]

Fuck, Vince!

Well, you got pretty lucky.

Good news is,
nothing's broken.

Bad news is,
one of your testicles

got lodged
inside your pelvis.
Couldn't save it.

Well, is that bad?

Shouldn't affect your
ability to have children
in the future,

if that's what you're
concerned about.

Although, that said,

there was some nerve damage,
so you may never

be able to
achieve erection again.

So the point is moot.

It's moot?

Now, you will need
to spend the next few
days in a wheelchair.

[CHUCKLES]

That's...

At least I've been

saving up tabs from
tin cans for years

so I can make a wheelchair.

No, you can't trade in
tabs for a wheelchair.

I get that a lot,
you can't do it.
All right?

You can.

Yeah. All right.

Walk me through
the process
one step at a time.

You take the tabs,
you collect them,

turn them in,
and you make
a wheelchair.

Where?

I don't actually know.

And why would anyone
want to exchange their
wheelchair for your tabs?

'Cause you recycle them.

You recycle them,
it's like a reward.

Aluminum is about 50
cents a pound, at most.

Basic wheelchair,
$500.

You would need
1,000 pounds of tabs

for this to even make
sense as a transaction.

Okay... Can you even imagine

what 1,000 pounds of
tabs would look like?

I don't know where
this rumor started, but, uh,

you ask a few questions,
it falls apart
pretty quickly.

I really believed that. Yeah, don't feel
bad, all right.

You'd be surprised at
the type of things people
believe around here.

I had a mother

who thought her kid
wouldn't get measles if
she gave him vitamins.

You know, I mean,

whatever gets you
through, I guess.

Sometimes lies are
easier than the truth.

Thanks a lot.

Wait, you're blaming me
for this somehow?

I wouldn't be in this
situation if it
wasn't for you.

Forget it.

Vince... Vince. I think that...

I think you should just
do this without me
from now on.

Vince. Vince,
Come on. No, no, no, you were right.

I don't have a lot of things
going on in my life right now.

And... I think that
needs to change.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah, Ma.

[PIGEONS COOING]

I can't... [STAMMERING]

Could this day
get any... Any worse?

Let's just keep this
in perspective, okay?

Uh... It's just a lump.

It could be nothing. Yeah, what if it is something?

But there's no point
in thinking that.

Sal.

On any given day,

a million things can
happen that never do.

You could get hit by a car. Vince just got
hit by a car.

I said you.
You could get hit.

There's no point in playing
the "what if?" game.

Your mother's right.

Sal.

I think this is a test.

Maybe the test.

Test for what?
Come on.

Sal, look at me.

You need to pray.

Now, more than ever.

MARIA: Will you do it, Sal?

For me?

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[SLURRING] Jessica, can I
get another round, please?

God bless you.

It's gonna be on me.
Make it two.

Ah, fuck!

No, man.

Bro, I can't, okay?

You can't what? I can't fight you tonight.

I can't do it.
I'll fight you another...
I'll fight you tomorrow.

Sal... Hey, look... It's not gonna
happen.

You already got her, okay,
she's all yours.

Now fuckin' go.

I mean, don't be a dick.
Still paying
for these shots,

but then, go.

Here.

Why are you still here?

You gotta go.
You're still here. Why?

You're supposed to
fuckin' go now. Remember?

Because Nicole told me.

About the Second Coming thing.

Why would she...

As if you need more
reason to shit on me.

That's not why I'm here.
That's not why I'm here.

Of course it is.
That's why I'd be here. Listen to me, Sal...

I am here because
I believe in you.

I do.

Please fuck off, Daryl.

I said please,

so you gotta fuck off.
It's rude if you don't.

Okay, don't get ahead
of yourself. Obviously,
when I first heard it

I thought it was crazy.
But I've known you
since high school, Sal.

You're not crazy.
Are you an asshole? Yes.

Did you ruin my childhood?
Yes, you did.

But are you nuts? No.

Never.

Why're you doing this, hmm?

[EXHALES] Sal...

I'm deeply religious.

I don't advertise because
it's obviously bad
for business, but it's true.

Nicole and I haven't
even had sex yet.

What?

No, no way, man.
Not until marriage.

You serious? As cancer.

Why would you say that?

Cancer. Why would
you say that?

I don't know, it just...
Sorry.

Can I show you something?

You know, with all
the crap I deal
with every day,

it's like, if I didn't
believe anything, I don't
even think I'd survive.

But I do.

I believe in a
Second Coming.

And I believe
He's going to come
here to challenge us.

And, like, not to appear
in the clouds in the sky,

with all the
glory and honor and
all that business.

No, I think that's
way too easy.

I believe He's coming here
to challenge our expectations

of what we think He should
look and act like.

He's going to challenge
us to look past what we
see on the outside

and focus on who
He really is.

Who He really is, here.

And I think that's how
you're going to separate
the true believers

from the false professors.

The weed from the weeds.

I just don't know
if I believe it
at all anymore.

Come on. Jesus had doubts.

What makes you think
you're so different?

I mean, the whole
Second Coming
thing though, man.

It's nuts, though, right?

Yeah, and that's
why I'm here.

Because I want to show
you that it isn't.

How are you gonna
do that?

I want you to meet someone.

Who is this?

Yeah.

He's a former client
of mine. Really good guy.

Heart of gold.
True gem of a man.

I'm the alpha and the omega.

DARYL: Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

You know, the funny story,

he thinks he's
the Second Coming.

Oh, but wait a second,
but you're the
Second Coming, too.

Okay, now I'm just
confused, guys.

I'm really sorry about
this. Oh, fuck!

Isn't this a fine fuckin'
mess we have here?

Which one of you greasy
pieces of shit is
the real Jesus?

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

This must be exactly
what women feel like

when they show up to a party
wearing the same dress.

[IMITATING CONFUSION]

It's all here.
You know what?

And before I go,
here's one thing.

This is a restraining order.
It's from Nicole.

I mean, she wanted
100 yards, but I kind
of upsold her to three.

So, namaste,my friend.

I don't know what the fuck
that means, 'cause I didn't
read the God damn Bible!

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

FATHER LUKE: How'd it go? MARIA: Did you pray?

No, I didn't.

But you know what?
I uh...

I met someone, though.

Oh. Yeah.

The Second Coming
of Jesus Christ.

The other one, though.

Yeah, apparently, this
city's full of them.

Was he a homeless person?

Because if he was,
he was probably crazy.

Maria, that's not right.No, it's exactly right,
actually.

'Cause anyone who
believes this shit

is either crazy
or a liar.

Oh, so which one
am I then, Sal?

I'm a crazy person, too?

No.

So I'm a liar?

Yep.He doesn't mean
that, Maria.

No, I mean that.

You've been lying to me
my whole life, Ma.

Tellin' me I'm perfect
when I'm not.

Tellin' me everything I do
is great when it isn't, okay.

I'm not great,
I'm not okay,

I'm a fuckin' piece
of shit, Ma! Hey, hey.

Hey, why don't we all
just take a minute,
and calm down.

No, he's right.

I did lie.

You are not perfect,
you're human.

But that's not how
I raised you.

No, I didn't raise
you at all.

I worshipped you,
I put you on a pedestal,

I worshipped everything
you did.

I wasn't a parent.

I was afraid. What were you afraid of?
I was a fuckin' kid.

I was afraid of everything.

I was afraid of failing you.
I was afraid of losing you.

I was afraid of
disappointing you.

Disappointing me?

I'm disappointing you
and it's

fuckin' killing me, okay?

All because I'm not
the Second Coming of Christ.

Come on, you said it
yourself a second ago.

I never said that. Yeah, you did.

You said I'm not perfect,
and I'm human, right?

That's right,
and so was Jesus.

Come on! I still believe that you
are the Second Coming.

And I know that you
can prove it.

Look, Ma.

I am not going
to pray to Him. Okay?

I'm not asking you
to pray to Him.

Well, then,
what do you want?

Heal me.

With your hands.Oh, my God.

Oh, that's a great idea! No, it's not!

Touch your mother's
breasts, Sal.What are you talking about?

No. Put your hands on me.

[ALL ARGUING]

Get the fuck off me.
Get the fuck off.

Fuck off, okay.
This is nuts!

And I'm done, all right?
I am fucking done.

[SIGHS]

No way.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]