All language subtitles for What.Would.Sal.Do.S01E04_English

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NARRATOR: Previously on
What Would Sal Do?

All we're asking for now
is that you just try to be
a good person.

This is coming from the
woman who barely talks
to her own sister.

So, how'd we do financially?

I think you actually
lost money. Oh.

I'll make you a deal.
You just start doing some
good deeds, okay?

I'll make up with Leena. Fine.

NICOLE: Thanks to you
and that fucking hobo,
I'm getting evicted.

FATHER LUKE: If I'm going
to break the sacrament of
confession for you, I want in!

Fine. But that means you have
to listen to me.

Okay. You come by my house,

when I'm not home,
and you hit on my husband? What?

You know, you two
aren't the only ones
with unfinished business.

I never cheated on you, Joe.

Good news, you can stay.

Holy shit! Look at that! It's a miracle!

Joe is not interested
in me anymore.

It's not Joe
I'm worried about.

Just take your time.

Whenever you're ready.

I... I do have
other things to do. So...

Well, it's, uh... Remember,
this is just confession.

There's no judgment here.

Okay, so...

The other day...
I was, uh...

In the bath and, uh...

Well, I spent a little
too much time

touching my, uh...

You know, my...

Elderberry bush.

You had a plant in the tub?

My vagina. [GASPS] Oh.

Well, uh, I really, really
don't know what to say.

If it helps at all,
I never ventured indoors.

I just kind of wandered
around the sanctuary.

Okay. I don't need
any more details...
With your fingers?

Pardon? Nothing. Just...

I'm curious, what made you...

You know... Why?

I saw Joe the other day,
and... [INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]
It just happened.

Is it that wrong? Yes.

It's very wrong.

Well... But since
you didn't go inside,

I think you get a pass. Does it say that
in the Bible?

Well, I'm paraphrasing.

But remember,
no more of that nonsense.

Masturbation is a grave
moral disorder.

[SIGHS] What's my penance?

Let's start with
ten Hail Marys

with two Acts of Contrition
at both ends.

And, Maria, please,
stay away from your...

My happy hole?

Let's stick with fruit, okay?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[GULPING LOUDLY]

[EXCLAIMS WITH SATISFACTION]

That is such a waste of time.

Don't start attacking
my things because
you're nervous.

I don't attack your
little things...

What are you two
doing in here?

You can't drink beer
in the church!

But wine's okay?

Well, that's the
blood of Christ!

You're drinking his piss... Don't get him wound up, okay?

I'm trying to relax, please.

Sal...

You have absolutely
no reason to be nervous.

I heard that you were
very good at the condo
board meeting.

That's 'cause it's easy
to talk in front of
a bunch people

when you're just calling
them on their shit.

Jesus was a great orator.

That's how he gained
a lot of his followers.

Which is why the weekly sermon
is such an important part
of our mission.

Well, can't I just
take, like,

a bunch of crippled kids
to the zoo or something?

I broke the sacrament
of confession for you.

You owe me this.

VINCE: Can I...

Sal...

If it turns out you're
not the Second Coming,

the public speaking
is a great transferable
skill for you to have.

Does he have to be here? You mean Judas?

No, I didn't say Judas
but it's funny that
you would go there...

I don't think
that's funny at all.
I think that's what you mean.

So many words
you could've used.You're not my dad.

Come on, guys,
just relax! Please! What?

Okay? I don't need
this right now.

You know what I need?
I need another beer.

I think you've had enough.

Sal. Hey, there.
Are you all right?
I brought a good luck beer.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Okay, Maria...
Please, can we go?

He needs to be alone. Oh.

Thank you. We'll talk later.
Thank you.

What are you doing?
Would you please
get out of here?

Me?Yes, the ship is sailing...
On your way...

[CLEARS THROAT]
You're not my dad.

What? What?
What are you talking about?

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

[EXCLAIMS IN SATISFACTION]

Yeah. [GROANS]

You know, Sal.

I have an idea.

Why don't you pray
for guidance?

Nope. I'm not gonna
do any praying.

Well, I think
it's a really good idea.

You know, talk to your father.

You know what I think
would be a really great idea?

If my father spoke to me.

Wouldn't that be
something, huh?

That would clear this all up.

If he just said,
"Hey, you know what, son,

"it's me, God, your dad.

"It's legit.
You're the Second Coming.

"Don't worry about
wasting time with
the cripples." The end.

[GULPING]

Don't worry about
this public speaking
thing, okay?

I got it on lock.

FATHER LUKE: Now we have
a very special speaker,

a new permanent addition
to our weekly sermons.

Some of you
might even know him.

He's a real rising star.

Please welcome Sudbury's
own Sal Camilucci.

Hey, everyone. Hey...

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm Sal... Yeah.

[EXHALES]

Hey, Ma.

Um...

Okay.

Here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]

"I will betro..."

"Betrowthed"?

Is that right? "Betrowthed"?

"I will betrowthed you
to me forever.
Yes, I will..."

There it is again.
Right in the next sentence.

"Betrowthed"?"Betrothed."

"Betrothed." Duh. [LAUGHS]

Sorry, of course.

"Betrothed." It's just...

[STAMMERS] That
one's a fuckin' toughy.

[ALL MURMURING]

What?

Uh... It's just...

It's a hard word, "betrothed."
I mean...

Why's this even written
in Shakespeare?
That's what I don't get.

[VINCE SNICKERS]

[WHISPERS] Vince, don't!
Don't laugh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Such an idiot.
Of course it's "betrothed."
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

"I..."

Look man, I told you
I can't do this.

You can do it.

The guy gives me a thing
with a thousand betroths here.

This book can
betroth my balls.

[GASPING]

Shittily written.

He wasn't ready.
I blame you for this.

Maria, Sal has entrusted me
to take the reigns on this.

You need to do the same thing. Oh.

I want Sal
to take a two-day
public speaking course.

Oh, I don't know. He can handle it.

And so can you.
Now, go home. Relax.

You've earned it.
Just keep it above the waist.

Hello there!

You made me look
like an idiot up there.

That's why you need to take
this public speaking course.

No, no. That's why I need
people who have my back, okay?

Look at this guy.
Look at all the people he had.

You'll gain apostles,
too, Sal.

VINCE: You got me. Bit of a placeholder,
but sure.

Yeah, but this guy
had his own justice league.

Well, it was
a different time, too.

I mean, you're not
gonna be able find
a restaurant anymore

that sits 13 guys on one side
of the table like that...

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, that is weird.
Who sits 13 people
on one side of a table?

Yeah, well, "I'm gonna
make a reservation.

"I have 13 friends,
we all like

"to sit next to each other..." They wouldn't take that
reservation.

Sal, speaking in public takes
an awful lot of practice.

I had problems
in the beginning,
if you can believe it.

Granted I never said the Bible
was "shittily written",

but I had my own stumblings.

[SIGHS] Okay. So, um...

Where is this course?

It's at the Hebron Hotel.

I can stay at the hotel? No.

Well, then I'm not going. Sal?

Fine.

Does it have a pool? Probably.

Great. So, Vince
can come, too. Yeah.

No! Well, then,
I'm not going.

Fine. Yes!

But go easy
on the room service.

And no blue movies.

We're going swimming
and renting a bunch
of blue movies.

Blue movies...

Is that Judas
on the end there?

He doesn't look like
he's ready to betray Jesus,

he just looks like
he can't hear
the conversation.

He's got an awful seat.

Why are 13 people sitting
on one side of the table?

What you got there?

Communion wafers.
I stole 'em. You want one?

Mmm...

Ten tattered tailors
testing tacos in a tent.

Welcome. My name's Gurt,

and pronunciation
is the key...

I didn't like that.

Pronunciation. Bop bop.

Pronunciation. Bop bop.

Pronunciation is the key

to communication.

[VOCALIZING]

The Ks, soft palate.

[VOCALIZING] Can't cancel
my crackers.

We're leaving at the break.

This could be good.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

GURT: Bop bop.

Tacos.

Oh, thank God.

GURT: Bop bop. Hit the back
of the wall with your breath.

Tattered tacos. PARTICIPANT: Tattered tacos.

No!

Yeah, Ma. What's up?

How's it going?

How's the teacher?
Are you learning?

Are you behaving?
Did you eat?

Don't have too
much junk, okay?

Relax, Ma. I got this.
Okay? Look...

Take a day. You know,
take some time for you.

Well, you know, I have to do
your laundry, and I wanna
clean your room and...

I'm sure you're gonna be
hungry when you get home.

Ma, I said take
some time for you.

This is for me.
I love helping you.

I know, I'm just saying,
maybe, you know, one day,

you do a little bit
less for me, huh?

Oh, 'cause now you got
Father Luke helping you,

you don't need me, is that it?

Ma, I'm not saying that.
You know, stop that, okay?

Because, of course,
I'm always gonna need you.

I'm just saying,
one day, relax.

It won't kill you.

I'm so proud of you.

I didn't even do anything, Ma.

You took it seriously,
that's all I ask.

I love you. I love you, too.

GURT: Bop bop.

[SIGHS]

So, when are we going?

I talked to my mom
on the phone earlier.

She said she was
proud of me, bro.

Oh, God. That's the worst.

Yeah, so, I got to stick
it out for a bit.

I mean, it's a fucking
public speaking course.

It's gonna be a piece of cake. Yeah, we got this.

Yeah, we got it.

Uh-oh. Shit. Sorry.

I didn't know anyone
else was in here.

It's all right, bro.
It's a big pool.

I just had to get out of
there for a minute.

Well, sit down, have a beer,
and take a load off.

Thanks.

So, what are you in for, man?

Oh, my dad thinks
I'm a fuck-up.

Join the club.

He thinks this'll help me
in business, so he can

hand over the reins
of the company someday.

Man, I understand that
parent pressure shit.

It's hard.

Okay, you know what?
Here's what we're gonna do...

When you're up there,
you forget the rest of
those goofs are even there,

and you just talk to me, okay?
Just the two of us.

And me.No. Just the two of us.

That sounds good. Yeah.

We're in this together, bro.

And, um, maybe

a little help
from my friend?

I gotta sell it, but

we could have a little taste.

Bro, I don't want to get
all preachy here, okay?

But that shit right there,
that's not gonna
maybe help you.

That's gonna definitely
help you. Actually,
it's gonna help all of us.

Vince, get your keys.

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, no, what am I doing?

What is wrong with me?

Our Father, who art in Heaven,

hallowed be thy name,
Thy Kingdom come...

Thy Kingdom come...

[WATER SPLASHING RHYTHMICALLY]

Oh, God!

Well, let's bear in mind
that it was his
first time speaking.

Yes, but isn't part of being
a good Christian giving
people second chances?

Yes, even to those
who give the Bible the finger.

Well, let's not lose sight
of the fact that the most
important thing is

that we keep on
going to church.

No, I don't think
he'll pass gas every week.

Well, whether he was
crucified or cruci-fucked...

I think we're both saying
the same thing.

And how long ago did you think
you hung up on me?

So, your dad
wants you to follow
in his footsteps, too, huh?

Oh, you don't know
the half of it, bro.

I don't even know
why I care so much.

It's like I can't
disappoint him.

There's nothing
wrong with that.

No, I mean,
what's wrong with wanting to
not disappoint your parents?

If you can go
your whole life without
disappointing your parents,

you'll have done something
that very few people can.

Yes!It's a fucking achievement,
is what that is.

It's like climbing
Mount Everest.

Which, by the way, is covered
in human shit.

Huh?It's a big fucking problem.

People climb up there
and just piss and shit
wherever the fuck they want.

That's not why
people are going
up there, though.

I dunno why
they're going up there,
but while they're up there,

they're pissing and shitting
on everything,
it's a big fucking problem.

Here it is, you got
this gorgeous mountain,

and it's just covered
in human piss and shit.

What are you
talking about, Sal? I'm talking about how,

sometimes, if you wanna
make something
beautiful in this world,

you gotta shit on it
as you go, you know.

DAVE: That's genius.
Fucking genius. Yeah.

It's not genius, it's life.

And really fucking
good cocaine here.

Vince, you gotta
get in on this, bro.

You know what I'm like
when I do it. Yeah, that's true.

This is just me and you,
Big Dave. [SNORTS]

Bop bop.Bop bop.

I'll do a bump, okay?

I'll do a bump. One bump. Yeah, just one bump.

I'm coming in for a bump.

For this exercise,
we're going to
talk for a minute.

And your topic is tigers.

Tigers? Bop bop.

Go! Uh...

Bop bop. Bop bop.

Uh, tigers... Tigers. Tigers!

Tigers are majestic creatures.

Majestic fucking
creatures, okay?

These tigers,
they got beastly claws.

They got orange stripes,
they got black stripes.

They got sick fucking teeth.
And we're losing them, people.

We are.
Our children's children

may fucking never even
see a tiger in their lives.

Can you imagine that?
Can you imagine that?
Can you imagine that?

Growing up in a world
without tigers all around
like how we did.

It's not the same world
that we grew up in, people.

No, people.
We got to do something.

We have got to fucking
do something about it.

Even though
it's not even mostly us.

I know that. And
I'm not being racist here,

but this is a fact, okay?

Asians. Asians...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Asians are fucking
killing tigers,

so that they can eat
their dicks, so they can
tigerfy their own boners,

and they'll have wicked
boners like how tigers get.

I don't think
that's entirely accurate. No, that's a fact.

That's a fact, okay?
Bop bop.

Save the fucking tigers.

[WHOOPING] [APPLAUDING]

Gurt, good fucking
assignment, buddy!

It was a good assignment. Good. Okay, good.

Oh, shit. It was good.

Yes, boys!

Could've done
without some of language
and all of the racism.

But it was good.

All right,
we're gonna move on.

And Vince?

You're gonna talk
for a minute about tigers.

Yes, Vince! Go!

[EXHALES LOUDLY AND SNIFFLES]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Tigers? Tigers. Bop bop.

Bop bop? Uh, tigers... Bop bop.

[SNIFFLES] All right.
Uh, I'm Vince...

[SNIFFLES] Uh, tigers...

Tigers...

[EXHALES] Um...

Yeah, my stepdad
actually loved tigers.

VINCE: Yeah...

And he molested me.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Ooh.

Thanks!

VINCE: It's good?

Holy fuck, bro! It was good?

All right. This is...
This is precisely

why the topic is tigers,
because there's an energy

in the room... Hold on, just take it easy,
fucker, okay?

[YELLING]

I want the three of you
to get out.

Get out of the room.

Easy, easy...[SWEARING INCOHERENTLY]

Sorry, Gurt, and everybody. This is my life.

Love you, man. Okay, just go. Just go.

It's a very
helpful class, Gurt.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SHOUTS] Fuck.

VINCE: All right,
Gurt, all right.

Bop bop, buddy.
Sorry, bud.

What the fuck was that, Vince?

What? I'm just saying.
What was that?

I didn't really know
what else to talk
about, you know?

Well, next time,
just talk about nothing, okay?

Uh-huh. Hey, hey, hey. Listen, man...

Did your stepdad really
have sex with you?

I don't want to
talk about this in
front of that fuckin' guy.

You don't wanna
talk about it now?
Oh, I understand.

You need a stage
and a microphone
to talk to people.

Oh, all right. Fuck you... Fuck me? Fuck you.
I'm your best...

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Ah, fuck. It's Father Luke.

Buddy, I don't have time
for this asshole right now.

Not a chance. You don't have to
deal with it...

That's exactly why
I have so much respect

for fucking females
in the music industry.

'Cause you know how hard
you gotta rock

to fucking succeed
in rock and roll
as a woman?

[SCREAMS] Hey! [OVERLAPPING]

They came up from, like,
really good families...

You gotta be
a fucking singer...

You gotta be a songwriter... [STRUGGLING]

You gotta be hot.Dancer.

You gotta be a dancer,
and because you are rich

you had to work
that much harder for it. Yes.

And why do you think
that they peaked in the '90s?

Quit! Do you quit? Yield! Yield!

I was dealing with that
all my life.

So, when was
the last good little affair?

Count it! Two!

Count it! Three!

You know who that is?

Yeah, that's Dave.No, it's Terry.

That's your... That's your
stepfather, Terry. What you guys talking about?

[SNIFFLES]

What you guys talking about? Shut up, Terry.

I'm not Terry. Shut the fuck up, Terry!

Dave, man!

[DAVE SCREAMS][GLASS CRASHING]

[SCREAMING]

I mean, they're not
just handing out
rock and roll contracts

to women all the time.

That's why every woman

is kicking ass on stage.

I'm like, "Yeah!"

Yeah, I relate to their music.

I mean, all of 'em.

I know that
struggle. [SNIFFLES]

MARIA: I talked
to him earlier.
I'm sure he's fine.

Well, then, why won't
he answer my calls?

I'm sure he's fine.

What's going on?
What's wrong with you?

I entered my

sanctuary.

What?

I did it.

The bath was warm.

I thought of Joe.

Maria, Joe,
first and foremost,

he's a married man.

Oh, I know that very well.
You don't think I know that?

So you did it.
Fully.

Fully. With what?

What kind of
a question is that?

A fair one, believe me.

Let me tell you something.

Confession looks
a lot different from
my side of the wall.

One lady confessed
to me that she used
her shoe once.

A shoe!

I don't know what part.

The toe, the heel,
tongue, maybe...

Could we get back
to me, please? Yes, of course.

I've failed.

I'm a miserable sinner. You are not.

You are a human being.

And you have urges. We all do.

Even you? Yes, even me.

I tried it once.
It didn't work.

What do you mean
it didn't work? Just don't do it again.

There's something else.Oh?

I can't find my purity ring.

Oh, okay, I will
help you look for it.

Where do you think
you left it?

In the sanctuary.

Oh.

Well...

[SNORING]

Sal?

Sal?

Sal?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

My fucking head.

We did half the coke.

We did half the fucking coke.

Nice one!

Nice.

I was supposed to sell it. Hmm?

Uh... [INHALES DEEPLY]

Everything's okay, man.
We'll just fucking...

[INHALES HEAVILY]

Have some beers
and then we'll do

a couple more bumps
just to straighten this out.
And...

Have something to eat and...

And we'll be okay.
We'll figure it out, man.

You don't understand.

These are really
fucked up guys, man.

Fuck.

My dad's gonna find out.

You... You want... You
want a communion wafer?

Well, you'll be happy to know,

everything looks just fine.

Really? There's nothing up there
that shouldn't be.

Oh, thank goodness.

It's been a while
since you've had a physical.

At your age,
I think we should do
a complete work-over.

Blood, breast exam.
The works.

Oh, okay.

Um... Yes?

Masturbation.

Pardon?

You know, masturbation.

I do.

Your thoughts?

It's perfectly healthy.

Some studies suggest
it might be necessary.

Would you like
some literature?

Pornography? No.

Information.

No. Thank you.

But, would you say that
it's all right

morally?

That's not for me
to say, Maria.

[GROANING]

VINCE: Sal?

[SNIFFLES]

Hey, bro.

You okay?

Yeah, bud. Yeah.

Yeah. [SNIFFLES]

I love you, buddy.

Yeah.

Sal? Hey, Ma!

What happened to you?

I can explain...

We went to the speaking thing,

and then I met this kid,
Dave, there.

And he... He really needed
help with some stuff...

What's wrong, Ma?

I did something.

What? There's no dinner?
Or laundry's not done, what?

I masturbated myself.

Oh, God. I was in the bath
and my fingers...

Yeah, okay. Okay...

Why would you...
Why you telling me this, Ma?

Because I need you to know.

No!

Look, I'm your son,
okay? There's

boundaries and... You know?

No. You're right.
You're right.

But the point is,

here I am telling you
to be perfect,

and meanwhile,
I stick my fingers...

Oh, okay. Night. Thank you.

[CRYING] I never want
you to think less of me.

Less of you?

I could never think
less of you, Ma.

Listen.

Nobody's perfect, okay?

I mean...

Fuck, look at me.
The other day, at church...

I... I embarrassed you.

I embarrassed myself.

That was Father
Luke's fault.

He pushed you.
You weren't ready.

Yeah, I know it's easy to,
you know, blame others,

and point fingers,
but in this case,

it was 100%
Father Luke's fault.

But I'm ready now.

Okay? I wanna make you proud.

[SNIFFLES] [SIGHS]

Sal... Room service
by the pool,

a broken lamp,

a towel in the toilet,
closet doors missing...

Ten movies
with the word "Pussy" in it? Yeah.

Once Vince gets going...

How am I going to pay
for this, Sal?

With the money
from the collection plate.

What collection money?

The collection money
I'm gonna earn
by getting up on that stage...

Altar?And fucking killing it.

Yeah. I've learned a lot.

So the course worked?

Yeah, sure, the
course, why not?

Money well spent.

Well done.

Well done.

SAL: "The disciples
only had five loaves
of bread and two fish.

"Jesus asked them to
bring what they had.

"Taking the five loaves
and the two fish,

"he gave thanks
and broke the loaves.

"Then he gave them
to the disciples,

"and the disciples gave
them to the people.

"They ate
and were satisfied.

"The disciples picked up
12 baskets full

"of broken pieces
that were left over.

"And the number
of those who ate

"was over 5,000 men."

Amen.

You did great. Yeah, thanks.

FATHER LUKE: Well done.SAL: Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] Sal!

Yeah? The loaf
and the fish thing...

Yeah? You totally did that

with the cocaine
and the communion wafers!

Oh, shit!

SAL: With the hookers! Same thing, but different!

Oh, my God.
I did the same thing

with coke and hookers
the other day.

[LAUGHS] That was crazy.

Gettin' my Jesus on!

VINCE: Yeah. SAL: Oh, man.