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The following presentation is rated 18A.

This presentation deals with mature subject matter

and contains scenes with coarse language,

nudity, sexuality, and violence.

Viewer discretion is advised.

What Would Sal Do?

-Sal, you are the second coming. -Of what?

I can't believe you told him. This is what we've been waiting for.

-You don't believe it though, do you? -No.

You imagine the second coming of Christ

would second come at Sudbury of all places?

-You got to save the world, Sal. -How, Ma?

By doing good deeds.

MAN: Okay, so pick one, tell me.

I like that one, she's got a mean face.

Three doctors confirmed your virginity.

The Armenian one said your hymen was thicker than a wall.

MAN: I'm gonna get eaten alive in here.

Here's what you got to do. The moment you walk in the joint,

walk up to the biggest, toughest guy and just sock him in the jaw.

Ma, you know I can't stand disappointing you, okay, so if you think

I'm the second coming...

Wait, I can see. It's a miracle.

SAL: ...then that's what I'm gonna be, then.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

DARYL: Come on.

SAL: Daryl?

Hey, buddy.

God damn it.

What's going on, man?

DARYL: What's it look like?

We're gonna string you up to the big nickel.

You're gonna be known as Sal of Sudbury

or something. I dunno. I haven't read the Bible.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

VINCE: Hey, buddy.

SAL: Hey, Vince.

Twenty-nine, and thirty.

Pleasure doing business with you, Vince.

This isn't what it looks like.

Yes, it is.

-Later, buddy. -VINCE: Yeah.

(HUMMING)

What are you doing, buddy?

(CHUCKLING)

You didn't think that all this was gonna end well for you, didn't you?

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS) What are you doing?

Did I wake you, baby?

You hit a hammer and a nail right by my head.

Oh, I was having a bad dream anyway.

-(EXHALING DEEPLY) -Well, then it's good I got you this.

She will be there

to watch over and protect you always.

Ma, is that you as the Virgin Mother?

I am the Virgin Mother, Sal.

No. No way. (SCOFFS) No, that's... That's gotta go. Yeah.

All right. Sorry. I was trying to do something nice,

-you want me to take it down... -All right, fine.

-I'll take it down. -Ma, you don't got to be like that, okay?

Just leave it. It's fine, leave it.

I'm goin' back to sleep anyway.

-No, no. We're heading to church. -Yeah, yeah. I am.

The Bazaar was last night and Father Luke needs help cleaning up.

I can't help do that, I got mad shit to do today.

You think that man didn't have mad shit to do?

Ma, how many times have I told you I don't want a cross in my room?

You can't have the Mother without the Son, Sal.

What about the Dad, huh? Where is my dad, Ma?

He's great and he loves you more than anything.

Get dressed, will you?

-Put these on. -No, I'm not putting on those, I told...

Where, where are my... Give me a pair of my tear-aways, huh?

Those things are not pants, these are pants.

Now get dressed.

Ma, I can't walk around Copper Cliff in these.

-This is fucking... -MARIA: Sal, let's go!

Ma, I'm fucking jamming.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

MARIA: Look at that, poor kid is really having a tough time.

Yeah, I know. He's using a cloth,

he needs like a wire brush or something.

He's being bullied, Sal.

Oh, no doubt, look at him.

But still, how'd nobody catch that guy?

I mean, that graffiti would have taken hours.

Well, the first night it was just the awful picture of him,

and the next night they added the horse.

And then the night after that

they added the horse doing that.

SAL: Right.

-(CAR DOOR OPENING) -It's a good horse, though.

Ma, I can't move in these pants.

Enough with the pants!

FATHER LUKE: Okay. Just a couple more chairs and we're done.

So cleaning a church basement was so important,

we had to do it first thing in the morning?

You never know when someone's gonna want to rent out the basement.

When's the last time that happened?

RAJANI: It's been at least a couple years.

Jesus, fuck, look at you.

-What's goin' on, huh? -Not this.

-No? Never say never. -Never.

Okay. Well, you know what?

-Challenge accepted. -Okay.

-I'd like you all to meet my new secretary, Rajani. -What's going on, Rajani?

She'll be handling financials.

Speaking of which, I finished calculating the sales from the church bizarre.

Ooh... Church bazaar.

That's what I said.

No, you didn't, you said bizarre, listen closely.

Bazaar. Bizarre. Bizarre. Bazaar.

You're saying the same word.

Okay, so how'd we do financially?

-I think you actually lost money. -Oh?

We can talk about this later, okay?

You know what'd be really helpful? A mop and bucket.

I know it's not my business, but...

She's not Muslim.

No. I was gonna ask how can you afford a new secretary?

Well, uh, she's a religious studies student, so she's practically free.

But the important thing is, now that I have her, it frees me up.

So I can concentrate on Sal and the important things he's doing.

Oh, really, Ma?

This is... This is why you brought me here, isn't it?

You made a blind man see with a healing touch.

No, I punched a blind man in his eye

and knocked his retina back into place.

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes.

Granted this one was a small one, but

-you have to realize that it was a miracle. -MARIA: Absolutely.

And your mother and I believe you should be doing more of them.

Big ones, so you get more followers.

-No, no, no, that's not what we agreed on. -I'll be in the car, Ma.

-Sal, Sal... -I said, I'll be in the car, Ma.

I told you not to push him.

What're you talking about?

For 30 years we keep a secret and nothing,

and then the day that we tell him, he makes a blind man see?

-What's not to push? -He needs time.

He grew up without a father. He's a sensitive boy.

He hasn't been a boy in over two decades.

Would you quit coddling him?

I am just not going to push him until he is ready.

Well, how will you know he's ready unless you push him?

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

(CAR DOOR OPENING)

Just, forget miracles, okay? Just forget them.

-All I want is for you to be a good person. -Oh?

So... So I'm not a good person now?

-Really? -A better person.

-Ma, this is all bullshit, you know that, right? -You watch it, Sal.

It's bullshit, though. You set me up in there.

-You do not talk to me like this. -Okay...

-I did not set you up! -You do not set up your son.

-That was an ambush, Ma. -It was an intervention.

Well, you know who needs an intervention?

That fucking whack job in there...

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(CAR KEYS JANGLING)

(ENGINE STARTING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Rajani, I'm trying to pray.

I know, but I need to...

Just because I'm not chanting or burning an incense stick,

doesn't mean I'm not praying.

Is that how you think Hindus pray?

Here's a better question.

Are you going to take me to task

-on everything that goes on in here? -That's not a better question.

(EXHALING DEEPLY) I'm under a lot of stress

-so if there's something you need... -You received an invitation,

and I need to RSVP on your behalf.

(SIGHS)

Father Benson is becoming bishop.

You're mad.

FATHER LUKE: I never said that.

You don't need to, you did that thing with your eyebrow.

What thing?

RAJANI: You do it when you're mad.

You do it every time I heat up my channa masala in the microwave.

It leaves a smell. I'm allowed to be upset about that.

And you're allowed to be upset about Father Benson.

I'm not. And I'll tell you why.

Things are looking up around here. I can feel it.

God has a plan for me.

(LOUD THUD AND CLATTERING)

(CAR ENGINE ROARING)

Wait.

I want you to go and talk to Stuart.

I can't. I gotta go file paperwork for my disability insurance.

Four months since you sprained your ankle on that job,

you're still collecting disability? I don't understand this.

Yeah, well, neither does the government, which is why I gotta go today.

I want you to stop collecting disability.

-Why? -Because it's wrong.

And there's nothing wrong with you.

What am I supposed to do for money, then, Ma?

Stop spending it.

Now go talk to him.

(DOOR SLAMMING SHUT)

What the fuck do you want?

What did you just say? Say it again.

-What the fuck do you want? -What the fuck do I want?

I want a goddamn neighbor who's not a fucking puss-hole

so you stop affecting the property value of my place, you little fuckin'...

God damn it. God damn it!

Motherfucker.

All right, I hear you got a bully or something, yeah?

Yeah. So?

So this might surprise you to hear but I used to bully a kid like you...

-No, shit. -Yeah, and I feel a little bit bad about it.

Then find him and apologize.

I would, but he killed himself.

So what do you suggest now smart kid, huh?

Great. So it really does get better.

Look you're never gonna get this off with a sponge.

Your dad got a pressure washer or something?

My dad left when I was two. So no.

All right, this asshole, he got a name?

-Richard. -Richard?

It's a terrible name for a bully.

No offense, but this guy is on a whole other level

than they were in the olden days.

(CHUCKLES) "In the olden days", okay.

Well then, let me tell you something about the olden days.

In the olden days, I used to run Copper Cliff

like a goddamned fucking possessed animal. Okay?

I used to shit in people's mailboxes

and that's what I would do to people I liked, bro. I was insane.

You would've been a piece of cake compared to this guy.

"A piece of cake." You know what they used to call me?

"The Sal-tan of Pain", bro.

-That was my nickname. -That's a terrible nickname.

No, it's not. You know the sultans?

Like, the sul... (CLICKS TONGUE)

Look...

You tell me where I can find this bully

and I'll show you how a real fucking bully operates. Okay?

This one's for you, Nicky.

This is what I get for harboring jealousy over that bishop's position.

You're being superstitious.

I'm being religious.

Most religions are based on superstition.

-In the Hindu faith we do... -We need to get this fixed before evening mass.

I want you to go to the hardware store and get supplies.

-As for the invitation... -Douse it in cat urine and throw it in the fire?

-Look, I respect Hindu traditions but... -I was just being funny.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Me, too.

Yo, Vince.

-I need your help, bro, we got to go. -Shh, shh.

-Where, what... What's wrong? -I'll explain on the way, bro.

Just grab your keys and let's go.

-I can't go anywhere, I'm studying. -Oh. (CHUCKLING)

Look at you. Why the fuck are you wearing a suit, bud?

You got to dress for the job that you want.

-Why are you wearing those pants? -Mind your own business.

Come with me. Let's go. Come on.

I can't. I got... I have a test. I can't leave.

Oh, okay, you have a test coming up. Hey, I'm gonna tell you a story

-about a guy named Bill Gates. -Shh.

-He dropped out of college. Okay? -(SHUSHING)

-Really? -Yeah. So I'm just saying if you're serious

about being fucking successful in business and shit like that...

What's goin' on, Pink Shirt?

You're gonna stop studying for this bullshit exam right now

and you're gonna come with me. Okay?

I don't know if that makes no sense or if that makes complete sense.

SAL: We'll talk about it in the car, Einstein.

Hey do you think that rub 'n' tug is clean,

like STDS?

You're being paranoid again.

-I'm itchy. -Stop distracting me with this bullshit, Vince.

Fine.

-What are you doing? -I'm googling STDs.

Fuck, just Google your eyes on the van, okay? I don't wanna miss this kid.

What do we actually do if he shows up?

Make my mother happy and scare the shit out of him.

What if he wants to fight us?

How hard did you finger-bang your bum hole this morning?

I didn't finger-bang my bum hole this morning.

You know that I've never been in a real fight.

-It's my nightmare. -I know it is, buddy.

But listen, he's not gonna wanna fight two grown men, okay?

I'll do all the talking, you just hold the bat.

-A bat? -Not the Dracula bat.

-A baseball bat. -Oh.

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

Maria.

-Hey, Joe. -Hey.

No need to rush on account of me.

Who's rushing? It's my normal cleaning pace.

You just sprayed glass cleaner on my sandwich.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't even...

Something's different about you.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Like a weight's been lifted off your shoulders. I don't know.

Well things are good, you know.

I've got another two offices that I'm cleaning now and...

Just feels like things are kind of clicking into place,

finally, especially with Sal.

Well, you look good.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

-Am I interrupting something? -No. I was just getting my sandwich.

You didn't dust under my desk the last time you were here.

-Under your desk? -Leena?

What? Joe...

We hired her to do a job.

No, you're absolutely right.

Thank you, Maria.

If there's one thing Maria knows, it's how to be perfect

at everything.

Oh, and before I forget,

I'm having a memorial mass for Dad on Sunday.

-This Sunday? -Yeah.

It's 20 years since he passed.

-I know that. But... -LEENA: But what?

Well, would've been nice if I'd been

let in on it a little sooner, you know,

I could've helped with the planning.

I was his daughter, too, remember?

Hard to forget.

You got his house, remember?

SAL: Okay, try it with my full name...

Google "Salvatore Camilucci's greatest Sudbury knockouts."

-That'll get some hits. -Still nothing?

Is there anything up?

-Undefeated. -Undefeated, yeah.

-No, I'm kidding. -Cool... Oh.

SAL: That would be accurate.

Shit, there he is, bro.

That's the kid? He's fucking huge!

Yeah, he's a big boy.

-(INHALING DEEPLY) -Are we doing it?

-Go! Go! -(BOTH GRUNTING)

Give me the bat. Give me the bat, I'm ready.

-(CLATTERING) -What the fuck, Vince?

My hands are slippery, I'm sorry.

-SAL: What's up, hot stepper? -What?

I'll tell you what, Richard... Or should I call you Dick?

-Either one's fine. -Richard's nice.

-What's the problem, bitch? -The problem is...

Did you just call my homie a "bitch"?

Oh, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, man. I was actually calling you a bitch.

You calling me a bitch? The two of us, you think...

-He's obviously the fucking bitch. -Stay the cour... Shh.

Look, the problem is...

There's gonna be a big problem

if you don't leave my little homeboy Stuart alone.

-All right. Hey, listen man, I don't want any trouble, okay? -Good.

I especially don't want to get into a fight with a couple homos.

-What did you just say? -Homos.

Well, maybe your fuck-buddy in the ironed pants

can explain it better after he yanks off your shiny suit,

bends you over a dumpster and takes you to brown town.

-Oh, that's disgusting. -Oh, shit!

This is happening. This is happening.

You don't even want any of this, bro. I just got out of jail...

-(ZAPPING) -(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

Yeah. So we can do this the easy way or...

-Easy way, easy way. -We can do this the hard way.

-Easy way? Okay... -Easy way...(GROANING)

-(TAZER ZAPPING) -(GROANING)

-Plaster. -Mmm.

Sandpaper, sealant, paint.

Great, we got all we need... Ooh. What's this?

-The paint. -Dark tan?

I thought since we were repainting him,

why not use a shade that's reflective of the truth?

The truth?

Jesus was born in Bethlehem over 2,000 years ago.

Not a lot of white people there.

Certainly not that white.

Rajani, please, let's not make this a race issue.

When I took this job, this free job...

-(EXHALING DEEPLY) -...you said you were a priest with modern views.

Yes. And I am, but...

You need to think about Jesus the way you think about Elvis.

-I don't think of Elvis. -(EXHALES DEEPLY) Okay.

When Elvis died, he was fat and he looked terrible,

but people prefer to remember him as handsome and skinny.

Do you see what I mean?

You're saying that a historically accurate dark-skinned Jesus

is offensive and hard to look at,

whereas the manufactured, thin, white version

is more palatable and pleasing to the eye?

Exactly. Now please go back to the hardware store

-and get me some flesh-toned paint. -It is flesh-toned.

-My flesh tone. -(GROANING)

Okay, bro, we don't know where the fuck we are, but this has gone far enough.

-Okay? -Look, we obviously offended you.

-We're sorry. -Yeah. We're really fucking sorry, man.

We're not going to fuck with you again, just please take us home.

Take off your clothes and throw them in the bag.

-And we're the homos? -Sal!

SAL: Well, I am not taking my fucking clothes off.

-Holy shit. -We're taking 'em off. We're taking 'em off.

-VINCE: Okay? -SAL: Just chill the fuck out, buddy.

-In the bag. -All right.

I hate these fucking pants anyways.

All right.

Oh, no. You're not done yet.

Bro, are you fucking serious? Come on.

What kind of bully would I be if I let you keep your underwear on, huh?

Okay, okay, okay, just calm down, all right?

No, no, no, no, no, take each other's off.

(GUN COCKING)

And toss the bag over here.

VINCE: Okay.

Good.

Now grab those shovels, then two separate holes, one for each of you.

Are you serious, bro? Okay, okay.

If you come back from the dead,

-can you finish my business degree for me? -No.

Fuck that. If I come back from the dead,

I'm gonna fucking finish him in front of his goddamn dad.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

What the fuck is that?

Now see...

If you boys come at me again,

that photo's gonna make you wish I shot you.

(VEHICLE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

(ENGINE STARTING)

SAL: You try to do something nice and this is where it gets you.

VINCE: Us.

SAL: Vince, can this not be about you for five seconds, please?

I can't believe he called me a bitch. Me.

You know what? It's not your fault, Sal.

What's not my fault?

Any of this.

Why would any of this be my fault?

Well, you were just supposed to talk to that kid, Stuart, right?

So if you'd just done that, we wouldn't even be here.

Wait. So you are saying it is my fault?

Yeah, yeah, you're right, I guess.

It is your fault, yeah.

You gotta learn how to shut the fuck up, Vince.

We can't just knock on their door

and ask them to use their phone after we just stole their clothes.

Yeah, Vince, it'd be better if we were still naked and holding our dicks, right?

Let's go.

All right, no one's home.

Okay...

I'm gonna use this chair to smash the window

and I'm gonna call my mom, okay?

VINCE: Who's that? SAL: I don't know.

Fucking David Hasselhoff. (CHUCKLING)

-Remember that video? -Call 911.

No, Vince. Don't fucking call 911, we should run away.

Ah. Fucking clothes will tie us to the murder scene.

-All right. Just don't tell them we broke in, okay? -Hi.

Uh, we broke into this guy's house, he's lying on the floor,

it looks like he's dead but I don't know.

-I think he's choking. -The address? Let me check.

John Road. Number 316.

It's goddamn mozzarella sticks, Vince.

Remember I almost died choking on one of these?

When it happened a third time, I was like fuck these things forever.

Fucking fucks!

All right. Get this big bastard up.

I need you to do a Heimlich maneuver on him.

Okay, uh, we're gonna give him a Heimlich maneuver.

-I'll be right back. -Yeah.

-(GRUNTS) Okay. -Okay.

-Take his arms? -Take his arms up. Lift his arms up.

-Okay. -All right, go.

One, two, three.

-Get him up! -One, two, three.

-Come on, Sal. -One, two, three.

Get him over, come on!

Get him harder, get him harder, come on!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Did you hear what that paramedic said?

Yeah, she said, "Good job."

No, she said, if you hadn't noticed that guy was choking he would've died.

She called it a miracle.

It wasn't a miracle. It was a coincidence.

Yeah. So was us winding up there in the first place.

Well, a couple of coincidences in a row doesn't make a miracle, Vince.

So what about the address?

316 John Road.

John 3:16. It's the fuckin' Bible verse

-about Jesus giving his only son. -Well, how do you know that?

That was on the back of Stone Cold Steve Austin shirts.

-Oh, fuckin' Stone Cold. -Yeah, I looked that shit up.

All right, listen. I don't need you believing in this shit, too, okay?

-Just so... Don't. -I'm not.

-I'm not. -Don't do it. Don't want it.

-I'm not believing. -Good.

You know what would have been a fuckin' miracle, if the paramedic gave us a ride home.

They gave us blankets.

I fuckin' hate EMS workers.

Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed.

And so is Jesus.

That's why he's covered his face.

He's embarrassed by the lack of attendance.

He's embarrassed by the lack of charitable contributions.

He's embarrassed

at the lack of people that attended my highly publicized church bazaar last week.

What happened?

It was all over Facebook. Main image, right on the front.

Are any of you even on Facebook?

And Jesus is going to remain embarrassed, folks,

unless things change around here.

You see?

You set your mind to helping that boy and it worked.

No new graffiti.

Yeah.

-You saw it? -Uh... It worked.

-You want some more? -Yeah, sure.

Stuart, how's it goin'?

You fuckin' goon.

Fight your own battles next time, buddy.