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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:05,713 The following presentation is rated 18A. 2 00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:09,908 This presentation deals with mature subject matter 3 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:12,050 and contains scenes with coarse language, 4 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:15,046 nudity, sexuality, and violence. 5 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:17,449 Viewer discretion is advised. 6 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,058 What Would Sal Do? 7 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:25,993 -Sal, you are the second coming. -Of what? 8 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,730 I can't believe you told him. This is what we've been waiting for. 9 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,456 -You don't believe it though, do you? -No. 10 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,931 You imagine the second coming of Christ 11 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,599 would second come at Sudbury of all places? 12 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,767 -You got to save the world, Sal. -How, Ma? 13 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,167 By doing good deeds. 14 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:39,609 MAN: Okay, so pick one, tell me. 15 00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:42,313 I like that one, she's got a mean face. 16 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,876 Three doctors confirmed your virginity. 17 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:48,445 The Armenian one said your hymen was thicker than a wall. 18 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,446 MAN: I'm gonna get eaten alive in here. 19 00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,588 Here's what you got to do. The moment you walk in the joint, 20 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:55,663 walk up to the biggest, toughest guy and just sock him in the jaw. 21 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,863 Ma, you know I can't stand disappointing you, okay, so if you think 22 00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,986 I'm the second coming... 23 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,661 Wait, I can see. It's a miracle. 24 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,001 SAL: ...then that's what I'm gonna be, then. 25 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,365 (EXHALES DEEPLY) 26 00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,277 DARYL: Come on. 27 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:23,523 SAL: Daryl? 28 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,624 Hey, buddy. 29 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:27,764 God damn it. 30 00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:30,419 What's going on, man? 31 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,061 DARYL: What's it look like? 32 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,497 We're gonna string you up to the big nickel. 33 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,673 You're gonna be known as Sal of Sudbury 34 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,632 or something. I dunno. I haven't read the Bible. 35 00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:44,269 (ORGAN PLAYING) 36 00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:52,154 VINCE: Hey, buddy. 37 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,883 SAL: Hey, Vince. 38 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,477 Twenty-nine, and thirty. 39 00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:59,248 Pleasure doing business with you, Vince. 40 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,190 This isn't what it looks like. 41 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,457 Yes, it is. 42 00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,863 -Later, buddy. -VINCE: Yeah. 43 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,526 (HUMMING) 44 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,633 What are you doing, buddy? 45 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,338 (CHUCKLING) 46 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:23,338 You didn't think that all this was gonna end well for you, didn't you? 47 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,417 (SCREAMING) 48 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,921 (GASPS) What are you doing? 49 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:35,888 Did I wake you, baby? 50 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,461 You hit a hammer and a nail right by my head. 51 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,055 Oh, I was having a bad dream anyway. 52 00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:48,301 -(EXHALING DEEPLY) -Well, then it's good I got you this. 53 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:51,237 She will be there 54 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:55,305 to watch over and protect you always. 55 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,246 Ma, is that you as the Virgin Mother? 56 00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,751 I am the Virgin Mother, Sal. 57 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:04,083 No. No way. (SCOFFS) No, that's... That's gotta go. Yeah. 58 00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:06,091 All right. Sorry. I was trying to do something nice, 59 00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:08,123 -you want me to take it down... -All right, fine. 60 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,318 -I'll take it down. -Ma, you don't got to be like that, okay? 61 00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,490 Just leave it. It's fine, leave it. 62 00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:11,958 I'm goin' back to sleep anyway. 63 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,725 -No, no. We're heading to church. -Yeah, yeah. I am. 64 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,725 The Bazaar was last night and Father Luke needs help cleaning up. 65 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,828 I can't help do that, I got mad shit to do today. 66 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,501 You think that man didn't have mad shit to do? 67 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:26,171 Ma, how many times have I told you I don't want a cross in my room? 68 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,540 You can't have the Mother without the Son, Sal. 69 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:31,139 What about the Dad, huh? Where is my dad, Ma? 70 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:35,021 He's great and he loves you more than anything. 71 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,052 Get dressed, will you? 72 00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,847 -Put these on. -No, I'm not putting on those, I told... 73 00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,949 Where, where are my... Give me a pair of my tear-aways, huh? 74 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,861 Those things are not pants, these are pants. 75 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,557 Now get dressed. 76 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,356 Ma, I can't walk around Copper Cliff in these. 77 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,222 -This is fucking... -MARIA: Sal, let's go! 78 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,024 Ma, I'm fucking jamming. 79 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,915 (MUSIC PLAYING) 80 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,551 MARIA: Look at that, poor kid is really having a tough time. 81 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,917 Yeah, I know. He's using a cloth, 82 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,015 he needs like a wire brush or something. 83 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,616 He's being bullied, Sal. 84 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:50,318 Oh, no doubt, look at him. 85 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,661 But still, how'd nobody catch that guy? 86 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,955 I mean, that graffiti would have taken hours. 87 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,157 Well, the first night it was just the awful picture of him, 88 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,499 and the next night they added the horse. 89 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,226 And then the night after that 90 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,440 they added the horse doing that. 91 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,873 SAL: Right. 92 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:05,868 -(CAR DOOR OPENING) -It's a good horse, though. 93 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,083 Ma, I can't move in these pants. 94 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,777 Enough with the pants! 95 00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:20,785 FATHER LUKE: Okay. Just a couple more chairs and we're done. 96 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,724 So cleaning a church basement was so important, 97 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,760 we had to do it first thing in the morning? 98 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:25,955 You never know when someone's gonna want to rent out the basement. 99 00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,556 When's the last time that happened? 100 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:27,858 RAJANI: It's been at least a couple years. 101 00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,803 Jesus, fuck, look at you. 102 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,865 -What's goin' on, huh? -Not this. 103 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,344 -No? Never say never. -Never. 104 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:38,014 Okay. Well, you know what? 105 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,644 -Challenge accepted. -Okay. 106 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,981 -I'd like you all to meet my new secretary, Rajani. -What's going on, Rajani? 107 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,776 She'll be handling financials. 108 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,848 Speaking of which, I finished calculating the sales from the church bizarre. 109 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,788 Ooh... Church bazaar. 110 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,917 That's what I said. 111 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:57,428 No, you didn't, you said bizarre, listen closely. 112 00:05:57,491 --> 00:06:00,391 Bazaar. Bizarre. Bizarre. Bazaar. 113 00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:01,801 You're saying the same word. 114 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,932 Okay, so how'd we do financially? 115 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:07,297 -I think you actually lost money. -Oh? 116 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,237 We can talk about this later, okay? 117 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,902 You know what'd be really helpful? A mop and bucket. 118 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,340 I know it's not my business, but... 119 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,139 She's not Muslim. 120 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,410 No. I was gonna ask how can you afford a new secretary? 121 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,651 Well, uh, she's a religious studies student, so she's practically free. 122 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,287 But the important thing is, now that I have her, it frees me up. 123 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:29,493 So I can concentrate on Sal and the important things he's doing. 124 00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,787 Oh, really, Ma? 125 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,129 This is... This is why you brought me here, isn't it? 126 00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:37,034 You made a blind man see with a healing touch. 127 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,827 No, I punched a blind man in his eye 128 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,199 and knocked his retina back into place. 129 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,667 Miracles come in all shapes and sizes. 130 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,206 Granted this one was a small one, but 131 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:48,482 -you have to realize that it was a miracle. -MARIA: Absolutely. 132 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,782 And your mother and I believe you should be doing more of them. 133 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,954 Big ones, so you get more followers. 134 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,353 -No, no, no, that's not what we agreed on. -I'll be in the car, Ma. 135 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,175 -Sal, Sal... -I said, I'll be in the car, Ma. 136 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,390 I told you not to push him. 137 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:02,715 What're you talking about? 138 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,690 For 30 years we keep a secret and nothing, 139 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,628 and then the day that we tell him, he makes a blind man see? 140 00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:10,025 -What's not to push? -He needs time. 141 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:13,027 He grew up without a father. He's a sensitive boy. 142 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,300 He hasn't been a boy in over two decades. 143 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,938 Would you quit coddling him? 144 00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,374 I am just not going to push him until he is ready. 145 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,009 Well, how will you know he's ready unless you push him? 146 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,705 (EXHALING DEEPLY) 147 00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,221 (CAR DOOR OPENING) 148 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,194 Just, forget miracles, okay? Just forget them. 149 00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:45,202 -All I want is for you to be a good person. -Oh? 150 00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,965 So... So I'm not a good person now? 151 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,074 -Really? -A better person. 152 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,896 -Ma, this is all bullshit, you know that, right? -You watch it, Sal. 153 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,541 It's bullshit, though. You set me up in there. 154 00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,337 -You do not talk to me like this. -Okay... 155 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,678 -I did not set you up! -You do not set up your son. 156 00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,645 -That was an ambush, Ma. -It was an intervention. 157 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,013 Well, you know who needs an intervention? 158 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,121 That fucking whack job in there... 159 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,424 (BREATHING DEEPLY) 160 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,785 (CAR KEYS JANGLING) 161 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:09,755 (ENGINE STARTING) 162 00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,826 (CLEARS THROAT) Rajani, I'm trying to pray. 163 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,070 I know, but I need to... 164 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,704 Just because I'm not chanting or burning an incense stick, 165 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,940 doesn't mean I'm not praying. 166 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,236 Is that how you think Hindus pray? 167 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,141 Here's a better question. 168 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,780 Are you going to take me to task 169 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:07,245 -on everything that goes on in here? -That's not a better question. 170 00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,524 (EXHALING DEEPLY) I'm under a lot of stress 171 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,353 -so if there's something you need... -You received an invitation, 172 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,088 and I need to RSVP on your behalf. 173 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,760 (SIGHS) 174 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,233 Father Benson is becoming bishop. 175 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:26,828 You're mad. 176 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,170 FATHER LUKE: I never said that. 177 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,295 You don't need to, you did that thing with your eyebrow. 178 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,670 What thing? 179 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,709 RAJANI: You do it when you're mad. 180 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,314 You do it every time I heat up my channa masala in the microwave. 181 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,675 It leaves a smell. I'm allowed to be upset about that. 182 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,075 And you're allowed to be upset about Father Benson. 183 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,476 I'm not. And I'll tell you why. 184 00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:44,078 Things are looking up around here. I can feel it. 185 00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,951 God has a plan for me. 186 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,319 (LOUD THUD AND CLATTERING) 187 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,225 (CAR ENGINE ROARING) 188 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,300 Wait. 189 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,177 I want you to go and talk to Stuart. 190 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:12,152 I can't. I gotta go file paperwork for my disability insurance. 191 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,682 Four months since you sprained your ankle on that job, 192 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,618 you're still collecting disability? I don't understand this. 193 00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:19,124 Yeah, well, neither does the government, which is why I gotta go today. 194 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,656 I want you to stop collecting disability. 195 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:24,022 -Why? -Because it's wrong. 196 00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,491 And there's nothing wrong with you. 197 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:26,788 What am I supposed to do for money, then, Ma? 198 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,030 Stop spending it. 199 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,162 Now go talk to him. 200 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,266 (DOOR SLAMMING SHUT) 201 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:54,759 What the fuck do you want? 202 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,162 What did you just say? Say it again. 203 00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,364 -What the fuck do you want? -What the fuck do I want? 204 00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:02,026 I want a goddamn neighbor who's not a fucking puss-hole 205 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,025 so you stop affecting the property value of my place, you little fuckin'... 206 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,897 God damn it. God damn it! 207 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,014 Motherfucker. 208 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,607 All right, I hear you got a bully or something, yeah? 209 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,745 Yeah. So? 210 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:20,851 So this might surprise you to hear but I used to bully a kid like you... 211 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,354 -No, shit. -Yeah, and I feel a little bit bad about it. 212 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,075 Then find him and apologize. 213 00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:25,691 I would, but he killed himself. 214 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:27,893 So what do you suggest now smart kid, huh? 215 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,085 Great. So it really does get better. 216 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,288 Look you're never gonna get this off with a sponge. 217 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,289 Your dad got a pressure washer or something? 218 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,831 My dad left when I was two. So no. 219 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,170 All right, this asshole, he got a name? 220 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,644 -Richard. -Richard? 221 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,472 It's a terrible name for a bully. 222 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,037 No offense, but this guy is on a whole other level 223 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:48,437 than they were in the olden days. 224 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,538 (CHUCKLES) "In the olden days", okay. 225 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,010 Well then, let me tell you something about the olden days. 226 00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,479 In the olden days, I used to run Copper Cliff 227 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,346 like a goddamned fucking possessed animal. Okay? 228 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,575 I used to shit in people's mailboxes 229 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,520 and that's what I would do to people I liked, bro. I was insane. 230 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:02,456 You would've been a piece of cake compared to this guy. 231 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:03,692 "A piece of cake." You know what they used to call me? 232 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,287 "The Sal-tan of Pain", bro. 233 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,128 -That was my nickname. -That's a terrible nickname. 234 00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:08,664 No, it's not. You know the sultans? 235 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,928 Like, the sul... (CLICKS TONGUE) 236 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,357 Look... 237 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,971 You tell me where I can find this bully 238 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,473 and I'll show you how a real fucking bully operates. Okay? 239 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,440 This one's for you, Nicky. 240 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,681 This is what I get for harboring jealousy over that bishop's position. 241 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:27,916 You're being superstitious. 242 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,721 I'm being religious. 243 00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:32,153 Most religions are based on superstition. 244 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:35,519 -In the Hindu faith we do... -We need to get this fixed before evening mass. 245 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,388 I want you to go to the hardware store and get supplies. 246 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,758 -As for the invitation... -Douse it in cat urine and throw it in the fire? 247 00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:43,758 -Look, I respect Hindu traditions but... -I was just being funny. 248 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:45,931 (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Me, too. 249 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:03,175 Yo, Vince. 250 00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,262 -I need your help, bro, we got to go. -Shh, shh. 251 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,121 -Where, what... What's wrong? -I'll explain on the way, bro. 252 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,560 Just grab your keys and let's go. 253 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,534 -I can't go anywhere, I'm studying. -Oh. (CHUCKLING) 254 00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,334 Look at you. Why the fuck are you wearing a suit, bud? 255 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,597 You got to dress for the job that you want. 256 00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,836 -Why are you wearing those pants? -Mind your own business. 257 00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,172 Come with me. Let's go. Come on. 258 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:26,636 I can't. I got... I have a test. I can't leave. 259 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:29,336 Oh, okay, you have a test coming up. Hey, I'm gonna tell you a story 260 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:32,379 -about a guy named Bill Gates. -Shh. 261 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:33,345 -He dropped out of college. Okay? -(SHUSHING) 262 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,515 -Really? -Yeah. So I'm just saying if you're serious 263 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,254 about being fucking successful in business and shit like that... 264 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,249 What's goin' on, Pink Shirt? 265 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,221 You're gonna stop studying for this bullshit exam right now 266 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:46,460 and you're gonna come with me. Okay? 267 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,056 I don't know if that makes no sense or if that makes complete sense. 268 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,459 SAL: We'll talk about it in the car, Einstein. 269 00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,568 Hey do you think that rub 'n' tug is clean, 270 00:13:58,571 --> 00:13:59,871 like STDS? 271 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:02,140 You're being paranoid again. 272 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,679 -I'm itchy. -Stop distracting me with this bullshit, Vince. 273 00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,054 Fine. 274 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,892 -What are you doing? -I'm googling STDs. 275 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:15,122 Fuck, just Google your eyes on the van, okay? I don't wanna miss this kid. 276 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,958 What do we actually do if he shows up? 277 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,255 Make my mother happy and scare the shit out of him. 278 00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,798 What if he wants to fight us? 279 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,532 How hard did you finger-bang your bum hole this morning? 280 00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,067 I didn't finger-bang my bum hole this morning. 281 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,503 You know that I've never been in a real fight. 282 00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,738 -It's my nightmare. -I know it is, buddy. 283 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:33,273 But listen, he's not gonna wanna fight two grown men, okay? 284 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,214 I'll do all the talking, you just hold the bat. 285 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,606 -A bat? -Not the Dracula bat. 286 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:39,608 -A baseball bat. -Oh. 287 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,621 (EXHALING DEEPLY) 288 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,085 Maria. 289 00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,161 -Hey, Joe. -Hey. 290 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,225 No need to rush on account of me. 291 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,200 Who's rushing? It's my normal cleaning pace. 292 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,607 You just sprayed glass cleaner on my sandwich. 293 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,413 Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't even... 294 00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:12,881 Something's different about you. 295 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,946 -Yeah? -Yeah. 296 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:17,315 Like a weight's been lifted off your shoulders. I don't know. 297 00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:20,746 Well things are good, you know. 298 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,760 I've got another two offices that I'm cleaning now and... 299 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:27,033 Just feels like things are kind of clicking into place, 300 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,534 finally, especially with Sal. 301 00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,029 Well, you look good. 302 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,768 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 303 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,473 -Am I interrupting something? -No. I was just getting my sandwich. 304 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,667 You didn't dust under my desk the last time you were here. 305 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,009 -Under your desk? -Leena? 306 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,144 What? Joe... 307 00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,910 We hired her to do a job. 308 00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,108 No, you're absolutely right. 309 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,809 Thank you, Maria. 310 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,550 If there's one thing Maria knows, it's how to be perfect 311 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:52,648 at everything. 312 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,660 Oh, and before I forget, 313 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,622 I'm having a memorial mass for Dad on Sunday. 314 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,155 -This Sunday? -Yeah. 315 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,664 It's 20 years since he passed. 316 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,159 -I know that. But... -LEENA: But what? 317 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,498 Well, would've been nice if I'd been 318 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,597 let in on it a little sooner, you know, 319 00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:12,039 I could've helped with the planning. 320 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,805 I was his daughter, too, remember? 321 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,313 Hard to forget. 322 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,375 You got his house, remember? 323 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,076 SAL: Okay, try it with my full name... 324 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,478 Google "Salvatore Camilucci's greatest Sudbury knockouts." 325 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,015 -That'll get some hits. -Still nothing? 326 00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:28,387 Is there anything up? 327 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,691 -Undefeated. -Undefeated, yeah. 328 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,229 -No, I'm kidding. -Cool... Oh. 329 00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,864 SAL: That would be accurate. 330 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,598 Shit, there he is, bro. 331 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,874 That's the kid? He's fucking huge! 332 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,402 Yeah, he's a big boy. 333 00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:42,398 -(INHALING DEEPLY) -Are we doing it? 334 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,313 -Go! Go! -(BOTH GRUNTING) 335 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,337 Give me the bat. Give me the bat, I'm ready. 336 00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,121 -(CLATTERING) -What the fuck, Vince? 337 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,353 My hands are slippery, I'm sorry. 338 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,219 -SAL: What's up, hot stepper? -What? 339 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,688 I'll tell you what, Richard... Or should I call you Dick? 340 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,756 -Either one's fine. -Richard's nice. 341 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:08,295 -What's the problem, bitch? -The problem is... 342 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,031 Did you just call my homie a "bitch"? 343 00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:12,067 Oh, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, man. I was actually calling you a bitch. 344 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,802 You calling me a bitch? The two of us, you think... 345 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,236 -He's obviously the fucking bitch. -Stay the cour... Shh. 346 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,672 Look, the problem is... 347 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,714 There's gonna be a big problem 348 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,782 if you don't leave my little homeboy Stuart alone. 349 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,842 -All right. Hey, listen man, I don't want any trouble, okay? -Good. 350 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,251 I especially don't want to get into a fight with a couple homos. 351 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:28,824 -What did you just say? -Homos. 352 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,821 Well, maybe your fuck-buddy in the ironed pants 353 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,853 can explain it better after he yanks off your shiny suit, 354 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,419 bends you over a dumpster and takes you to brown town. 355 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,757 -Oh, that's disgusting. -Oh, shit! 356 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,434 This is happening. This is happening. 357 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,133 You don't even want any of this, bro. I just got out of jail... 358 00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:44,626 -(ZAPPING) -(GROANING) 359 00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,268 (SCREAMING) 360 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,866 Yeah. So we can do this the easy way or... 361 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,238 -Easy way, easy way. -We can do this the hard way. 362 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:54,066 -Easy way? Okay... -Easy way...(GROANING) 363 00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,411 -(TAZER ZAPPING) -(GROANING) 364 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,035 -Plaster. -Mmm. 365 00:17:57,110 --> 00:18:00,250 Sandpaper, sealant, paint. 366 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:03,383 Great, we got all we need... Ooh. What's this? 367 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,490 -The paint. -Dark tan? 368 00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,452 I thought since we were repainting him, 369 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,890 why not use a shade that's reflective of the truth? 370 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,385 The truth? 371 00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,887 Jesus was born in Bethlehem over 2,000 years ago. 372 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,459 Not a lot of white people there. 373 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,057 Certainly not that white. 374 00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,569 Rajani, please, let's not make this a race issue. 375 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:21,071 When I took this job, this free job... 376 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:22,974 -(EXHALING DEEPLY) -...you said you were a priest with modern views. 377 00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,895 Yes. And I am, but... 378 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,511 You need to think about Jesus the way you think about Elvis. 379 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,684 -I don't think of Elvis. -(EXHALES DEEPLY) Okay. 380 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,742 When Elvis died, he was fat and he looked terrible, 381 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,251 but people prefer to remember him as handsome and skinny. 382 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,984 Do you see what I mean? 383 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:39,518 You're saying that a historically accurate dark-skinned Jesus 384 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,616 is offensive and hard to look at, 385 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,618 whereas the manufactured, thin, white version 386 00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:46,890 is more palatable and pleasing to the eye? 387 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,529 Exactly. Now please go back to the hardware store 388 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,496 -and get me some flesh-toned paint. -It is flesh-toned. 389 00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:52,734 -My flesh tone. -(GROANING) 390 00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:12,152 Okay, bro, we don't know where the fuck we are, but this has gone far enough. 391 00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:14,349 -Okay? -Look, we obviously offended you. 392 00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:17,061 -We're sorry. -Yeah. We're really fucking sorry, man. 393 00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,763 We're not going to fuck with you again, just please take us home. 394 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:20,886 Take off your clothes and throw them in the bag. 395 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,760 -And we're the homos? -Sal! 396 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,099 SAL: Well, I am not taking my fucking clothes off. 397 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,674 -Holy shit. -We're taking 'em off. We're taking 'em off. 398 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,674 -VINCE: Okay? -SAL: Just chill the fuck out, buddy. 399 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,866 -In the bag. -All right. 400 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,840 I hate these fucking pants anyways. 401 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:45,516 All right. 402 00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,345 Oh, no. You're not done yet. 403 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,358 Bro, are you fucking serious? Come on. 404 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,923 What kind of bully would I be if I let you keep your underwear on, huh? 405 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,900 Okay, okay, okay, just calm down, all right? 406 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,902 No, no, no, no, no, take each other's off. 407 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,829 (GUN COCKING) 408 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,914 And toss the bag over here. 409 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,435 VINCE: Okay. 410 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,954 Good. 411 00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,052 Now grab those shovels, then two separate holes, one for each of you. 412 00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:16,454 Are you serious, bro? Okay, okay. 413 00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:27,532 If you come back from the dead, 414 00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,734 -can you finish my business degree for me? -No. 415 00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,096 Fuck that. If I come back from the dead, 416 00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:33,203 I'm gonna fucking finish him in front of his goddamn dad. 417 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,466 (CAMERA CLICKING) 418 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,795 What the fuck is that? 419 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,468 Now see... 420 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,110 If you boys come at me again, 421 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,944 that photo's gonna make you wish I shot you. 422 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,976 (VEHICLE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) 423 00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,453 (ENGINE STARTING) 424 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,789 SAL: You try to do something nice and this is where it gets you. 425 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,662 VINCE: Us. 426 00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:03,458 SAL: Vince, can this not be about you for five seconds, please? 427 00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:07,727 I can't believe he called me a bitch. Me. 428 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:08,870 You know what? It's not your fault, Sal. 429 00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,039 What's not my fault? 430 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,343 Any of this. 431 00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,265 Why would any of this be my fault? 432 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:17,941 Well, you were just supposed to talk to that kid, Stuart, right? 433 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,680 So if you'd just done that, we wouldn't even be here. 434 00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:23,018 Wait. So you are saying it is my fault? 435 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,587 Yeah, yeah, you're right, I guess. 436 00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:28,694 It is your fault, yeah. 437 00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:34,531 You gotta learn how to shut the fuck up, Vince. 438 00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,604 We can't just knock on their door 439 00:21:36,663 --> 00:21:38,703 and ask them to use their phone after we just stole their clothes. 440 00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:41,265 Yeah, Vince, it'd be better if we were still naked and holding our dicks, right? 441 00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:42,574 Let's go. 442 00:21:58,351 --> 00:21:59,951 All right, no one's home. 443 00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:01,489 Okay... 444 00:22:01,554 --> 00:22:03,664 I'm gonna use this chair to smash the window 445 00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:04,623 and I'm gonna call my mom, okay? 446 00:22:14,801 --> 00:22:16,101 VINCE: Who's that? SAL: I don't know. 447 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,768 Fucking David Hasselhoff. (CHUCKLING) 448 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,767 -Remember that video? -Call 911. 449 00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:22,169 No, Vince. Don't fucking call 911, we should run away. 450 00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:24,511 Ah. Fucking clothes will tie us to the murder scene. 451 00:22:24,577 --> 00:22:26,947 -All right. Just don't tell them we broke in, okay? -Hi. 452 00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,653 Uh, we broke into this guy's house, he's lying on the floor, 453 00:22:28,715 --> 00:22:30,245 it looks like he's dead but I don't know. 454 00:22:30,316 --> 00:22:32,516 -I think he's choking. -The address? Let me check. 455 00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,815 John Road. Number 316. 456 00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,817 It's goddamn mozzarella sticks, Vince. 457 00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:38,529 Remember I almost died choking on one of these? 458 00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,191 When it happened a third time, I was like fuck these things forever. 459 00:22:40,259 --> 00:22:41,059 Fucking fucks! 460 00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:45,102 All right. Get this big bastard up. 461 00:22:45,164 --> 00:22:46,774 I need you to do a Heimlich maneuver on him. 462 00:22:46,833 --> 00:22:47,903 Okay, uh, we're gonna give him a Heimlich maneuver. 463 00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:48,797 -I'll be right back. -Yeah. 464 00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:51,536 -(GRUNTS) Okay. -Okay. 465 00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:52,544 -Take his arms? -Take his arms up. Lift his arms up. 466 00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:53,935 -Okay. -All right, go. 467 00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:55,806 One, two, three. 468 00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,735 -Get him up! -One, two, three. 469 00:22:57,810 --> 00:22:59,550 -Come on, Sal. -One, two, three. 470 00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:00,852 Get him over, come on! 471 00:23:00,913 --> 00:23:02,083 Get him harder, get him harder, come on! 472 00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:02,918 (SCREAMING) 473 00:23:07,353 --> 00:23:08,523 (SCREAMING) 474 00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:14,732 Did you hear what that paramedic said? 475 00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:16,804 Yeah, she said, "Good job." 476 00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:19,803 No, she said, if you hadn't noticed that guy was choking he would've died. 477 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:21,870 She called it a miracle. 478 00:23:21,934 --> 00:23:24,374 It wasn't a miracle. It was a coincidence. 479 00:23:24,437 --> 00:23:26,607 Yeah. So was us winding up there in the first place. 480 00:23:26,673 --> 00:23:29,583 Well, a couple of coincidences in a row doesn't make a miracle, Vince. 481 00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:31,212 So what about the address? 482 00:23:31,277 --> 00:23:32,977 316 John Road. 483 00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:35,405 John 3:16. It's the fuckin' Bible verse 484 00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:37,122 -about Jesus giving his only son. -Well, how do you know that? 485 00:23:37,183 --> 00:23:38,593 That was on the back of Stone Cold Steve Austin shirts. 486 00:23:38,651 --> 00:23:40,751 -Oh, fuckin' Stone Cold. -Yeah, I looked that shit up. 487 00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,760 All right, listen. I don't need you believing in this shit, too, okay? 488 00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:43,962 -Just so... Don't. -I'm not. 489 00:23:44,023 --> 00:23:45,793 -I'm not. -Don't do it. Don't want it. 490 00:23:45,858 --> 00:23:46,788 -I'm not believing. -Good. 491 00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:51,961 You know what would have been a fuckin' miracle, if the paramedic gave us a ride home. 492 00:23:52,699 --> 00:23:54,499 They gave us blankets. 493 00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:56,067 I fuckin' hate EMS workers. 494 00:23:57,670 --> 00:24:00,110 Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed. 495 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,140 And so is Jesus. 496 00:24:04,811 --> 00:24:06,711 That's why he's covered his face. 497 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,180 He's embarrassed by the lack of attendance. 498 00:24:13,586 --> 00:24:17,886 He's embarrassed by the lack of charitable contributions. 499 00:24:20,226 --> 00:24:23,396 He's embarrassed 500 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:28,402 at the lack of people that attended my highly publicized church bazaar last week. 501 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,467 What happened? 502 00:24:30,537 --> 00:24:34,007 It was all over Facebook. Main image, right on the front. 503 00:24:34,073 --> 00:24:36,013 Are any of you even on Facebook? 504 00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:46,723 And Jesus is going to remain embarrassed, folks, 505 00:24:46,786 --> 00:24:49,086 unless things change around here. 506 00:24:55,528 --> 00:24:58,358 You see? 507 00:24:58,430 --> 00:25:01,230 You set your mind to helping that boy and it worked. 508 00:25:02,569 --> 00:25:04,039 No new graffiti. 509 00:25:05,204 --> 00:25:07,074 Yeah. 510 00:25:07,139 --> 00:25:08,239 -You saw it? -Uh... It worked. 511 00:25:12,078 --> 00:25:13,978 -You want some more? -Yeah, sure. 512 00:25:25,057 --> 00:25:26,157 Stuart, how's it goin'? 513 00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,895 You fuckin' goon. 514 00:25:30,963 --> 00:25:32,203 Fight your own battles next time, buddy. 40807

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