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The following
presentation is rated 18A.
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This presentation deals
with mature subject matter
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and contains scenes
with coarse language,
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nudity, sexuality, and violence.
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Viewer discretion is advised.
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What Would Sal Do?
7
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:25,993
-Sal, you are
the second coming.
-Of what?
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00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,730
I can't believe you told him.
This is what we've been
waiting for.
9
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,456
-You don't believe it though,
do you?
-No.
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00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,931
You imagine
the second coming of Christ
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00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,599
would second come
at Sudbury of all places?
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00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,767
-You got to save
the world, Sal.
-How, Ma?
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00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,167
By doing good deeds.
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00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:39,609
MAN: Okay, so pick one,
tell me.
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00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:42,313
I like that one,
she's got a mean face.
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00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,876
Three doctors confirmed
your virginity.
17
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:48,445
The Armenian one said
your hymen was
thicker than a wall.
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00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,446
MAN: I'm gonna get eaten
alive in here.
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00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,588
Here's what you got to do.
The moment you walk
in the joint,
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00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:55,663
walk up to the biggest,
toughest guy and
just sock him in the jaw.
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00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,863
Ma, you know I can't stand
disappointing you, okay,
so if you think
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00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,986
I'm the second coming...
23
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,661
Wait, I can see.
It's a miracle.
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00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,001
SAL: ...then that's what
I'm gonna be, then.
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00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,365
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
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00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,277
DARYL: Come on.
27
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:23,523
SAL: Daryl?
28
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,624
Hey, buddy.
29
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:27,764
God damn it.
30
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:30,419
What's going on, man?
31
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,061
DARYL: What's it look like?
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00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,497
We're gonna string
you up to the big nickel.
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00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,673
You're gonna be known as
Sal of Sudbury
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00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,632
or something. I dunno.
I haven't read the Bible.
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00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:44,269
(ORGAN PLAYING)
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00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:52,154
VINCE: Hey, buddy.
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00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,883
SAL: Hey, Vince.
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00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,477
Twenty-nine, and thirty.
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00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:59,248
Pleasure doing business
with you, Vince.
40
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,190
This isn't what
it looks like.
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00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,457
Yes, it is.
42
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,863
-Later, buddy.
-VINCE: Yeah.
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00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,526
(HUMMING)
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00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,633
What are you doing, buddy?
45
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,338
(CHUCKLING)
46
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:23,338
You didn't think that all this
was gonna end well for you,
didn't you?
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00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,417
(SCREAMING)
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00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,921
(GASPS)
What are you doing?
49
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:35,888
Did I wake you, baby?
50
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,461
You hit a hammer and a nail
right by my head.
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00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,055
Oh, I was having
a bad dream anyway.
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00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:48,301
-(EXHALING DEEPLY)
-Well, then it's good
I got you this.
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00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:51,237
She will be there
54
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:55,305
to watch over
and protect you always.
55
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,246
Ma, is that you
as the Virgin Mother?
56
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,751
I am the Virgin Mother, Sal.
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00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:04,083
No. No way.
(SCOFFS) No, that's...
That's gotta go. Yeah.
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00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:06,091
All right. Sorry.
I was trying to do
something nice,
59
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:08,123
-you want me
to take it down...
-All right, fine.
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00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,318
-I'll take it down.
-Ma, you don't
got to be like that, okay?
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00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,490
Just leave it.
It's fine, leave it.
62
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:11,958
I'm goin' back
to sleep anyway.
63
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,725
-No, no.
We're heading to church.
-Yeah, yeah. I am.
64
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,725
The Bazaar was last night
and Father Luke
needs help cleaning up.
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00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,828
I can't help do that,
I got mad shit to do today.
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00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,501
You think that man
didn't have mad shit to do?
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00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:26,171
Ma, how many times
have I told you I don't
want a cross in my room?
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00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,540
You can't have the Mother
without the Son, Sal.
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00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:31,139
What about the Dad, huh?
Where is my dad, Ma?
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00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:35,021
He's great and he loves you
more than anything.
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00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,052
Get dressed, will you?
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00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,847
-Put these on.
-No, I'm not putting on those,
I told...
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00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,949
Where, where are my... Give me
a pair of my tear-aways, huh?
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00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,861
Those things are not pants,
these are pants.
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00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,557
Now get dressed.
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00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,356
Ma, I can't walk around
Copper Cliff in these.
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00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,222
-This is fucking...
-MARIA: Sal, let's go!
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00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,024
Ma, I'm fucking jamming.
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00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,915
(MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,551
MARIA: Look at that, poor kid
is really having a tough time.
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00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,917
Yeah, I know.
He's using a cloth,
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00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,015
he needs like a wire brush
or something.
83
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,616
He's being bullied, Sal.
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00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:50,318
Oh, no doubt, look at him.
85
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,661
But still, how'd nobody
catch that guy?
86
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,955
I mean, that graffiti
would have taken hours.
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00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,157
Well, the first night
it was just the awful
picture of him,
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00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,499
and the next night
they added the horse.
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00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,226
And then the night after that
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00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,440
they added the horse
doing that.
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00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,873
SAL: Right.
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00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:05,868
-(CAR DOOR OPENING)
-It's a good horse, though.
93
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,083
Ma, I can't move
in these pants.
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00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,777
Enough with the pants!
95
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:20,785
FATHER LUKE: Okay.
Just a couple more chairs
and we're done.
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00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,724
So cleaning a church basement
was so important,
97
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,760
we had to do it
first thing in the morning?
98
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:25,955
You never know when
someone's gonna want
to rent out the basement.
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00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,556
When's the last time
that happened?
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00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:27,858
RAJANI: It's been at least
a couple years.
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00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,803
Jesus, fuck, look at you.
102
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,865
-What's goin' on, huh?
-Not this.
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00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,344
-No? Never say never.
-Never.
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00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:38,014
Okay. Well, you know what?
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00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,644
-Challenge accepted.
-Okay.
106
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,981
-I'd like you all to meet
my new secretary, Rajani.
-What's going on, Rajani?
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00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,776
She'll be handling financials.
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00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,848
Speaking of which, I finished
calculating the sales
from the church bizarre.
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00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,788
Ooh... Church bazaar.
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00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,917
That's what I said.
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00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:57,428
No, you didn't, you said
bizarre, listen closely.
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00:05:57,491 --> 00:06:00,391
Bazaar. Bizarre.
Bizarre. Bazaar.
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00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:01,801
You're saying the same word.
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00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,932
Okay, so how'd we
do financially?
115
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:07,297
-I think you actually
lost money.
-Oh?
116
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,237
We can talk
about this later, okay?
117
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,902
You know what'd be really
helpful? A mop and bucket.
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00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,340
I know it's not my business,
but...
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00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,139
She's not Muslim.
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00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,410
No. I was gonna ask
how can you afford
a new secretary?
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00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,651
Well, uh, she's a religious
studies student,
so she's practically free.
122
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,287
But the important thing is,
now that I have her,
it frees me up.
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00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:29,493
So I can concentrate
on Sal and the important
things he's doing.
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00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,787
Oh, really, Ma?
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00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,129
This is... This is why you
brought me here, isn't it?
126
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:37,034
You made a blind man see
with a healing touch.
127
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,827
No, I punched
a blind man in his eye
128
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,199
and knocked his retina
back into place.
129
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,667
Miracles come in all
shapes and sizes.
130
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,206
Granted this one
was a small one, but
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00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:48,482
-you have to realize
that it was a miracle.
-MARIA: Absolutely.
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00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,782
And your mother and I believe
you should be doing
more of them.
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00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,954
Big ones, so you get
more followers.
134
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,353
-No, no, no, that's not
what we agreed on.
-I'll be in the car, Ma.
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00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,175
-Sal, Sal...
-I said, I'll be
in the car, Ma.
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00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,390
I told you not to push him.
137
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:02,715
What're you talking about?
138
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,690
For 30 years we keep
a secret and nothing,
139
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,628
and then the day that
we tell him, he makes
a blind man see?
140
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:10,025
-What's not to push?
-He needs time.
141
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:13,027
He grew up without a father.
He's a sensitive boy.
142
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,300
He hasn't been a boy
in over two decades.
143
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,938
Would you quit coddling him?
144
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,374
I am just not going to push
him until he is ready.
145
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,009
Well, how will
you know he's ready
unless you push him?
146
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,705
(EXHALING DEEPLY)
147
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,221
(CAR DOOR OPENING)
148
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,194
Just, forget miracles, okay?
Just forget them.
149
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:45,202
-All I want is for you
to be a good person.
-Oh?
150
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,965
So... So I'm not
a good person now?
151
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,074
-Really?
-A better person.
152
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,896
-Ma, this is all bullshit,
you know that, right?
-You watch it, Sal.
153
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,541
It's bullshit, though.
You set me up in there.
154
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,337
-You do not talk to me
like this.
-Okay...
155
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,678
-I did not set you up!
-You do not set up
your son.
156
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,645
-That was an ambush, Ma.
-It was an intervention.
157
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,013
Well, you know who needs
an intervention?
158
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,121
That fucking whack
job in there...
159
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,424
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
160
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,785
(CAR KEYS JANGLING)
161
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:09,755
(ENGINE STARTING)
162
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,826
(CLEARS THROAT)
Rajani, I'm trying to pray.
163
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,070
I know, but I need to...
164
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,704
Just because I'm not chanting
or burning an incense stick,
165
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,940
doesn't mean I'm not praying.
166
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,236
Is that how you think
Hindus pray?
167
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,141
Here's a better question.
168
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,780
Are you going
to take me to task
169
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:07,245
-on everything
that goes on in here?
-That's not a better question.
170
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,524
(EXHALING DEEPLY)
I'm under a lot of stress
171
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,353
-so if there's something
you need...
-You received an invitation,
172
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,088
and I need to RSVP
on your behalf.
173
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,760
(SIGHS)
174
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,233
Father Benson
is becoming bishop.
175
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:26,828
You're mad.
176
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,170
FATHER LUKE:
I never said that.
177
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,295
You don't need to, you did
that thing with your eyebrow.
178
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,670
What thing?
179
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,709
RAJANI: You do it
when you're mad.
180
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,314
You do it every time
I heat up my channa masala
in the microwave.
181
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,675
It leaves a smell. I'm allowed
to be upset about that.
182
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,075
And you're allowed to be
upset about Father Benson.
183
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,476
I'm not.
And I'll tell you why.
184
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:44,078
Things are looking up
around here. I can feel it.
185
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,951
God has a plan for me.
186
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,319
(LOUD THUD AND CLATTERING)
187
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,225
(CAR ENGINE ROARING)
188
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,300
Wait.
189
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,177
I want you to go
and talk to Stuart.
190
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:12,152
I can't. I gotta go file
paperwork for my
disability insurance.
191
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,682
Four months since you sprained
your ankle on that job,
192
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,618
you're still collecting
disability?
I don't understand this.
193
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:19,124
Yeah, well, neither does
the government, which
is why I gotta go today.
194
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,656
I want you to stop
collecting disability.
195
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:24,022
-Why?
-Because it's wrong.
196
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,491
And there's nothing
wrong with you.
197
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:26,788
What am I supposed to do
for money, then, Ma?
198
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,030
Stop spending it.
199
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,162
Now go talk to him.
200
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,266
(DOOR SLAMMING SHUT)
201
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:54,759
What the fuck do you want?
202
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,162
What did you just say?
Say it again.
203
00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,364
-What the fuck do you want?
-What the fuck do I want?
204
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:02,026
I want a goddamn neighbor
who's not a fucking puss-hole
205
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,025
so you stop affecting
the property value of my
place, you little fuckin'...
206
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,897
God damn it. God damn it!
207
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,014
Motherfucker.
208
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,607
All right, I hear
you got a bully
or something, yeah?
209
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,745
Yeah. So?
210
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:20,851
So this might surprise you
to hear but I used to bully
a kid like you...
211
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,354
-No, shit.
-Yeah, and I feel
a little bit bad about it.
212
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,075
Then find him and apologize.
213
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:25,691
I would,
but he killed himself.
214
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:27,893
So what do you suggest now
smart kid, huh?
215
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,085
Great. So it really
does get better.
216
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,288
Look you're never gonna get
this off with a sponge.
217
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,289
Your dad got a pressure
washer or something?
218
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,831
My dad left when I was two.
So no.
219
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,170
All right, this asshole,
he got a name?
220
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,644
-Richard.
-Richard?
221
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,472
It's a terrible name
for a bully.
222
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,037
No offense, but this guy
is on a whole other level
223
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:48,437
than they were
in the olden days.
224
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,538
(CHUCKLES)
"In the olden days", okay.
225
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,010
Well then, let me tell you
something about
the olden days.
226
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,479
In the olden days,
I used to run Copper Cliff
227
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,346
like a goddamned fucking
possessed animal. Okay?
228
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,575
I used to shit
in people's mailboxes
229
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,520
and that's what I would do
to people I liked, bro.
I was insane.
230
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:02,456
You would've been a piece
of cake compared to this guy.
231
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:03,692
"A piece of cake."
You know what they
used to call me?
232
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,287
"The Sal-tan of Pain", bro.
233
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,128
-That was my nickname.
-That's a terrible nickname.
234
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:08,664
No, it's not.
You know the sultans?
235
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,928
Like, the sul...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
236
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,357
Look...
237
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,971
You tell me where
I can find this bully
238
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,473
and I'll show you how a real
fucking bully operates. Okay?
239
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,440
This one's for you, Nicky.
240
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,681
This is what I get
for harboring jealousy
over that bishop's position.
241
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:27,916
You're being superstitious.
242
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,721
I'm being religious.
243
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:32,153
Most religions
are based on superstition.
244
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:35,519
-In the Hindu faith we do...
-We need to get this fixed
before evening mass.
245
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,388
I want you to go
to the hardware store
and get supplies.
246
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,758
-As for the invitation...
-Douse it in cat urine
and throw it in the fire?
247
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:43,758
-Look, I respect Hindu
traditions but...
-I was just being funny.
248
00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:45,931
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Me, too.
249
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:03,175
Yo, Vince.
250
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,262
-I need your help, bro,
we got to go.
-Shh, shh.
251
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,121
-Where, what... What's wrong?
-I'll explain on the way, bro.
252
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,560
Just grab your keys
and let's go.
253
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,534
-I can't go anywhere,
I'm studying.
-Oh. (CHUCKLING)
254
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,334
Look at you.
Why the fuck are you
wearing a suit, bud?
255
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,597
You got to dress
for the job that you want.
256
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,836
-Why are you wearing
those pants?
-Mind your own business.
257
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,172
Come with me. Let's go.
Come on.
258
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:26,636
I can't. I got...
I have a test. I can't leave.
259
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:29,336
Oh, okay, you have
a test coming up. Hey,
I'm gonna tell you a story
260
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:32,379
-about a guy named Bill Gates.
-Shh.
261
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:33,345
-He dropped out
of college. Okay?
-(SHUSHING)
262
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,515
-Really?
-Yeah. So I'm just saying
if you're serious
263
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,254
about being fucking successful
in business and shit
like that...
264
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,249
What's goin' on, Pink Shirt?
265
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,221
You're gonna stop studying
for this bullshit exam
right now
266
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:46,460
and you're gonna come
with me. Okay?
267
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,056
I don't know if that makes
no sense or if that makes
complete sense.
268
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,459
SAL: We'll talk about it
in the car, Einstein.
269
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,568
Hey do you think that
rub 'n' tug is clean,
270
00:13:58,571 --> 00:13:59,871
like STDS?
271
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:02,140
You're being paranoid again.
272
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,679
-I'm itchy.
-Stop distracting me
with this bullshit, Vince.
273
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,054
Fine.
274
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,892
-What are you doing?
-I'm googling STDs.
275
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:15,122
Fuck, just Google
your eyes on the van, okay?
I don't wanna miss this kid.
276
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,958
What do we actually do
if he shows up?
277
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,255
Make my mother happy
and scare the shit out of him.
278
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,798
What if he wants to fight us?
279
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,532
How hard did you finger-bang
your bum hole this morning?
280
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,067
I didn't finger-bang
my bum hole this morning.
281
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,503
You know that I've never
been in a real fight.
282
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,738
-It's my nightmare.
-I know it is, buddy.
283
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:33,273
But listen, he's not
gonna wanna fight
two grown men, okay?
284
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,214
I'll do all the talking,
you just hold the bat.
285
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,606
-A bat?
-Not the Dracula bat.
286
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:39,608
-A baseball bat.
-Oh.
287
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,621
(EXHALING DEEPLY)
288
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,085
Maria.
289
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,161
-Hey, Joe.
-Hey.
290
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,225
No need to rush
on account of me.
291
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,200
Who's rushing?
It's my normal cleaning pace.
292
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,607
You just sprayed
glass cleaner on my sandwich.
293
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,413
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't even...
294
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:12,881
Something's different
about you.
295
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,946
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
296
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:17,315
Like a weight's been
lifted off your shoulders.
I don't know.
297
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:20,746
Well things are good,
you know.
298
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,760
I've got another two offices
that I'm cleaning now and...
299
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:27,033
Just feels like
things are kind
of clicking into place,
300
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,534
finally, especially with Sal.
301
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,029
Well, you look good.
302
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,768
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
303
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,473
-Am I interrupting something?
-No. I was just getting
my sandwich.
304
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,667
You didn't dust under my desk
the last time you were here.
305
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,009
-Under your desk?
-Leena?
306
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,144
What? Joe...
307
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,910
We hired her to do a job.
308
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,108
No, you're absolutely right.
309
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,809
Thank you, Maria.
310
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,550
If there's one thing
Maria knows, it's how
to be perfect
311
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:52,648
at everything.
312
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,660
Oh, and before I forget,
313
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,622
I'm having a memorial mass
for Dad on Sunday.
314
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,155
-This Sunday?
-Yeah.
315
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,664
It's 20 years since he passed.
316
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,159
-I know that. But...
-LEENA: But what?
317
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,498
Well, would've been nice
if I'd been
318
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,597
let in on it a little sooner,
you know,
319
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:12,039
I could've helped
with the planning.
320
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,805
I was his daughter, too,
remember?
321
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,313
Hard to forget.
322
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,375
You got his house, remember?
323
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,076
SAL: Okay, try it
with my full name...
324
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,478
Google "Salvatore
Camilucci's greatest
Sudbury knockouts."
325
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,015
-That'll get some hits.
-Still nothing?
326
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:28,387
Is there anything up?
327
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,691
-Undefeated.
-Undefeated, yeah.
328
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,229
-No, I'm kidding.
-Cool... Oh.
329
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,864
SAL: That would be accurate.
330
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,598
Shit, there he is, bro.
331
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,874
That's the kid?
He's fucking huge!
332
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,402
Yeah, he's a big boy.
333
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:42,398
-(INHALING DEEPLY)
-Are we doing it?
334
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,313
-Go! Go!
-(BOTH GRUNTING)
335
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,337
Give me the bat.
Give me the bat, I'm ready.
336
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,121
-(CLATTERING)
-What the fuck, Vince?
337
00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,353
My hands are slippery,
I'm sorry.
338
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,219
-SAL: What's up, hot stepper?
-What?
339
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,688
I'll tell you what, Richard...
Or should I call you Dick?
340
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,756
-Either one's fine.
-Richard's nice.
341
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:08,295
-What's the problem, bitch?
-The problem is...
342
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,031
Did you just call my homie
a "bitch"?
343
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:12,067
Oh, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
man. I was actually calling
you a bitch.
344
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,802
You calling me a bitch?
The two of us, you think...
345
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,236
-He's obviously
the fucking bitch.
-Stay the cour... Shh.
346
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,672
Look, the problem is...
347
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,714
There's gonna be a big problem
348
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,782
if you don't leave my little
homeboy Stuart alone.
349
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,842
-All right. Hey, listen man, I
don't want any trouble, okay?
-Good.
350
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,251
I especially don't want
to get into a fight
with a couple homos.
351
00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:28,824
-What did you just say?
-Homos.
352
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,821
Well, maybe your fuck-buddy
in the ironed pants
353
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,853
can explain it better after
he yanks off your shiny suit,
354
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,419
bends you over a dumpster
and takes you to brown town.
355
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,757
-Oh, that's disgusting.
-Oh, shit!
356
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,434
This is happening.
This is happening.
357
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,133
You don't even want
any of this, bro.
I just got out of jail...
358
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:44,626
-(ZAPPING)
-(GROANING)
359
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,268
(SCREAMING)
360
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,866
Yeah. So we can do this
the easy way or...
361
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,238
-Easy way, easy way.
-We can do this
the hard way.
362
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:54,066
-Easy way? Okay...
-Easy way...(GROANING)
363
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,411
-(TAZER ZAPPING)
-(GROANING)
364
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,035
-Plaster.
-Mmm.
365
00:17:57,110 --> 00:18:00,250
Sandpaper, sealant, paint.
366
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:03,383
Great, we got all we need...
Ooh. What's this?
367
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,490
-The paint.
-Dark tan?
368
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,452
I thought since
we were repainting him,
369
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,890
why not use a shade that's
reflective of the truth?
370
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,385
The truth?
371
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,887
Jesus was born in Bethlehem
over 2,000 years ago.
372
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,459
Not a lot of white people
there.
373
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,057
Certainly not that white.
374
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,569
Rajani, please, let's not
make this a race issue.
375
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:21,071
When I took this job,
this free job...
376
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:22,974
-(EXHALING DEEPLY)
-...you said you were a priest
with modern views.
377
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,895
Yes. And I am, but...
378
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,511
You need to think about Jesus
the way you think about Elvis.
379
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,684
-I don't think of Elvis.
-(EXHALES DEEPLY) Okay.
380
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,742
When Elvis died, he was fat
and he looked terrible,
381
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,251
but people prefer
to remember him
as handsome and skinny.
382
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,984
Do you see what I mean?
383
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:39,518
You're saying that
a historically accurate
dark-skinned Jesus
384
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,616
is offensive
and hard to look at,
385
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,618
whereas the manufactured,
thin, white version
386
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:46,890
is more palatable
and pleasing to the eye?
387
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,529
Exactly. Now please go back
to the hardware store
388
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,496
-and get me
some flesh-toned paint.
-It is flesh-toned.
389
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:52,734
-My flesh tone.
-(GROANING)
390
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:12,152
Okay, bro, we don't know
where the fuck we are,
but this has gone far enough.
391
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:14,349
-Okay?
-Look, we obviously
offended you.
392
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:17,061
-We're sorry.
-Yeah. We're really
fucking sorry, man.
393
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,763
We're not going to fuck
with you again, just please
take us home.
394
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:20,886
Take off your clothes
and throw them in the bag.
395
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,760
-And we're the homos?
-Sal!
396
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,099
SAL: Well, I am not taking
my fucking clothes off.
397
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,674
-Holy shit.
-We're taking 'em off.
We're taking 'em off.
398
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,674
-VINCE: Okay?
-SAL: Just chill the fuck out,
buddy.
399
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,866
-In the bag.
-All right.
400
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,840
I hate these fucking
pants anyways.
401
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:45,516
All right.
402
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,345
Oh, no. You're not done yet.
403
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,358
Bro, are you fucking serious?
Come on.
404
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,923
What kind of bully
would I be if I let you keep
your underwear on, huh?
405
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,900
Okay, okay, okay,
just calm down, all right?
406
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,902
No, no, no, no, no,
take each other's off.
407
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,829
(GUN COCKING)
408
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,914
And toss the bag over here.
409
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,435
VINCE: Okay.
410
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,954
Good.
411
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,052
Now grab those shovels,
then two separate holes,
one for each of you.
412
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:16,454
Are you serious, bro?
Okay, okay.
413
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:27,532
If you come back
from the dead,
414
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,734
-can you finish my
business degree for me?
-No.
415
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,096
Fuck that. If I come back
from the dead,
416
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:33,203
I'm gonna fucking finish him
in front of his goddamn dad.
417
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,466
(CAMERA CLICKING)
418
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,795
What the fuck is that?
419
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,468
Now see...
420
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,110
If you boys
come at me again,
421
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,944
that photo's gonna make
you wish I shot you.
422
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,976
(VEHICLE DOOR OPENING
AND CLOSING)
423
00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,453
(ENGINE STARTING)
424
00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,789
SAL: You try to do
something nice and this
is where it gets you.
425
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,662
VINCE: Us.
426
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:03,458
SAL: Vince, can this not be
about you for
five seconds, please?
427
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:07,727
I can't believe he called me
a bitch. Me.
428
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:08,870
You know what?
It's not your fault, Sal.
429
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,039
What's not my fault?
430
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,343
Any of this.
431
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,265
Why would any of this
be my fault?
432
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:17,941
Well, you were just
supposed to talk
to that kid, Stuart, right?
433
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,680
So if you'd just done that,
we wouldn't even be here.
434
00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:23,018
Wait. So you are saying
it is my fault?
435
00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,587
Yeah, yeah, you're right,
I guess.
436
00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:28,694
It is your fault, yeah.
437
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:34,531
You gotta learn how
to shut the fuck up, Vince.
438
00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,604
We can't just knock
on their door
439
00:21:36,663 --> 00:21:38,703
and ask them to use
their phone after we
just stole their clothes.
440
00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:41,265
Yeah, Vince, it'd be better
if we were still naked
and holding our dicks, right?
441
00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:42,574
Let's go.
442
00:21:58,351 --> 00:21:59,951
All right, no one's home.
443
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:01,489
Okay...
444
00:22:01,554 --> 00:22:03,664
I'm gonna use this chair
to smash the window
445
00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:04,623
and I'm gonna call
my mom, okay?
446
00:22:14,801 --> 00:22:16,101
VINCE: Who's that?
SAL: I don't know.
447
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,768
Fucking David Hasselhoff.
(CHUCKLING)
448
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,767
-Remember that video?
-Call 911.
449
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:22,169
No, Vince. Don't fucking
call 911, we should run away.
450
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:24,511
Ah. Fucking clothes will tie
us to the murder scene.
451
00:22:24,577 --> 00:22:26,947
-All right. Just don't tell
them we broke in, okay?
-Hi.
452
00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,653
Uh, we broke into
this guy's house,
he's lying on the floor,
453
00:22:28,715 --> 00:22:30,245
it looks like he's dead
but I don't know.
454
00:22:30,316 --> 00:22:32,516
-I think he's choking.
-The address?
Let me check.
455
00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,815
John Road.
Number 316.
456
00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,817
It's goddamn mozzarella
sticks, Vince.
457
00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:38,529
Remember I almost died
choking on one of these?
458
00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,191
When it happened
a third time, I was like
fuck these things forever.
459
00:22:40,259 --> 00:22:41,059
Fucking fucks!
460
00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:45,102
All right. Get this
big bastard up.
461
00:22:45,164 --> 00:22:46,774
I need you to do
a Heimlich maneuver on him.
462
00:22:46,833 --> 00:22:47,903
Okay, uh, we're gonna
give him a Heimlich maneuver.
463
00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:48,797
-I'll be right back.
-Yeah.
464
00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:51,536
-(GRUNTS) Okay.
-Okay.
465
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:52,544
-Take his arms?
-Take his arms up.
Lift his arms up.
466
00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:53,935
-Okay.
-All right, go.
467
00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:55,806
One, two, three.
468
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,735
-Get him up!
-One, two, three.
469
00:22:57,810 --> 00:22:59,550
-Come on, Sal.
-One, two, three.
470
00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:00,852
Get him over, come on!
471
00:23:00,913 --> 00:23:02,083
Get him harder,
get him harder, come on!
472
00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:02,918
(SCREAMING)
473
00:23:07,353 --> 00:23:08,523
(SCREAMING)
474
00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:14,732
Did you hear what
that paramedic said?
475
00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:16,804
Yeah, she said, "Good job."
476
00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:19,803
No, she said, if you hadn't
noticed that guy was choking
he would've died.
477
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:21,870
She called it a miracle.
478
00:23:21,934 --> 00:23:24,374
It wasn't a miracle.
It was a coincidence.
479
00:23:24,437 --> 00:23:26,607
Yeah. So was us winding up
there in the first place.
480
00:23:26,673 --> 00:23:29,583
Well, a couple of coincidences
in a row doesn't make
a miracle, Vince.
481
00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:31,212
So what about the address?
482
00:23:31,277 --> 00:23:32,977
316 John Road.
483
00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:35,405
John 3:16.
It's the fuckin' Bible verse
484
00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:37,122
-about Jesus giving
his only son.
-Well, how do you know that?
485
00:23:37,183 --> 00:23:38,593
That was on
the back of Stone Cold
Steve Austin shirts.
486
00:23:38,651 --> 00:23:40,751
-Oh, fuckin' Stone Cold.
-Yeah, I looked that shit up.
487
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,760
All right, listen.
I don't need you believing
in this shit, too, okay?
488
00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:43,962
-Just so... Don't.
-I'm not.
489
00:23:44,023 --> 00:23:45,793
-I'm not.
-Don't do it.
Don't want it.
490
00:23:45,858 --> 00:23:46,788
-I'm not believing.
-Good.
491
00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:51,961
You know what would have been
a fuckin' miracle, if the
paramedic gave us a ride home.
492
00:23:52,699 --> 00:23:54,499
They gave us blankets.
493
00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:56,067
I fuckin' hate EMS workers.
494
00:23:57,670 --> 00:24:00,110
Quite frankly,
I'm embarrassed.
495
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,140
And so is Jesus.
496
00:24:04,811 --> 00:24:06,711
That's why
he's covered his face.
497
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,180
He's embarrassed by
the lack of attendance.
498
00:24:13,586 --> 00:24:17,886
He's embarrassed by the lack
of charitable contributions.
499
00:24:20,226 --> 00:24:23,396
He's embarrassed
500
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:28,402
at the lack of people that
attended my highly publicized
church bazaar last week.
501
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,467
What happened?
502
00:24:30,537 --> 00:24:34,007
It was all over Facebook.
Main image, right on
the front.
503
00:24:34,073 --> 00:24:36,013
Are any of you
even on Facebook?
504
00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:46,723
And Jesus is going to
remain embarrassed, folks,
505
00:24:46,786 --> 00:24:49,086
unless things change
around here.
506
00:24:55,528 --> 00:24:58,358
You see?
507
00:24:58,430 --> 00:25:01,230
You set your mind
to helping that boy
and it worked.
508
00:25:02,569 --> 00:25:04,039
No new graffiti.
509
00:25:05,204 --> 00:25:07,074
Yeah.
510
00:25:07,139 --> 00:25:08,239
-You saw it?
-Uh... It worked.
511
00:25:12,078 --> 00:25:13,978
-You want some more?
-Yeah, sure.
512
00:25:25,057 --> 00:25:26,157
Stuart, how's it goin'?
513
00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,895
You fuckin' goon.
514
00:25:30,963 --> 00:25:32,203
Fight your own battles
next time, buddy.
40807
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