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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,200 - HEY, HERE'S A QUESTION I HAVE. 2 00:00:06,233 --> 00:00:08,333 DO I NEED A SEPARATE CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR 3 00:00:08,367 --> 00:00:10,667 OR I SHOULD I JUST GET ONE OF THESE COMBO JOBBERS? 4 00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:12,633 - WHO CARES? I'M SO BORED, I WANNA KILL MYSELF. 5 00:00:12,667 --> 00:00:14,300 - WELL, IF WE BUY THE WRONG THING, YOU WON'T 6 00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:15,767 HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF. - OH, MY GOD! MAGS, SHUT UP. 7 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,500 - WHAT? - IT'S BIRD BONES! 8 00:00:18,533 --> 00:00:21,367 - I HAVEN'T SEEN TINA OUT AND ABOUT IN MONTHS. 9 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,033 - GOD, SHE'S EVEN MORE TINIER 10 00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:24,734 AND MORE BIRDLIKE THAN I REMEMBER. 11 00:00:24,767 --> 00:00:26,400 I CAN'T BELIEVE MARK MARRIED HER! 12 00:00:26,433 --> 00:00:27,767 - LOOK AT HER HAIR. NOT A STRAND OUT OF PLACE. 13 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,233 - SHE STILL HAVE THAT THING 14 00:00:29,266 --> 00:00:31,033 WHERE SHE BREAKS HER BONES ALL THE TIME? 15 00:00:31,066 --> 00:00:32,500 - MM-HMM. YEAH, BUT SHE'S KEEPIN' IT TIGHT. 16 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,700 - YEAH. - BODY BE BANGIN'. 17 00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:39,266 - RUB YOUR THUMB ON THE KNOB AND TELL ME WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. 18 00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:40,333 - I DON'T LIKE IT. 19 00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:42,200 IT FEELS TOO BIG IN MY SMALL HANDS. 20 00:00:42,233 --> 00:00:44,233 - HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE GONNA KEEP ON LOOKING 21 00:00:44,266 --> 00:00:47,033 UNTIL WE FIND A KNOB THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. 22 00:00:47,066 --> 00:00:48,166 ALL RIGHT? 23 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,700 - OKAY. THANKS, HONEY. - COME HERE. HEY. 24 00:00:49,734 --> 00:00:51,433 - MY GOD, LOOK HOW SOLICITOUS HE IS. 25 00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:53,266 HE WAS NEVER LIKE THAT WHEN WE WERE DATING! 26 00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:54,400 - "RUB MY KNOB." NO, THANK YOU. 27 00:00:54,433 --> 00:00:55,667 - OH! INAPPROPRIATE. 28 00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:58,333 AND WHY IS HE SHOPPING FOR KNOBS WITH HER ANYWAY? 29 00:00:58,367 --> 00:01:00,033 - MY U.P.S. GUY, ROB ROCKEMOOR, HE TOLD ME 30 00:01:00,066 --> 00:01:01,367 THAT THEY'VE RENOVATED THE INSIDE OF THEIR HOUSE 31 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,734 LIKE THREE TIMES. 32 00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:04,500 - ON HIS COP SALARY? - I KNOW. 33 00:01:04,533 --> 00:01:06,433 - 'CAUSE YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT WORKIN'--AM I RIGHT? 34 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,100 - AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? 35 00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:09,600 - OH! - OH, MY--SHH! 36 00:01:09,633 --> 00:01:10,734 - STOP IT--I DON'T KNOW-- 37 00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:12,200 - EMMA? 38 00:01:12,233 --> 00:01:13,500 - OH, MY GOD! 39 00:01:13,533 --> 00:01:14,767 - MAGGIE? - LOOK WHO IT IS! 40 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,333 IT'S MARK AND TINA! - YEAH! 41 00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,600 - GOOD FRIENDS! 42 00:01:17,633 --> 00:01:19,333 - YES--HELLO! 43 00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:20,533 MEET YOU UP THERE? 44 00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:22,433 - HI, MAGGIE. 45 00:01:22,467 --> 00:01:23,767 - HEY! - HI! 46 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,367 - HI, EMMA. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. 47 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,767 - MARK SAID THAT YOU'RE BACK IN TOWN. 48 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,533 - YEP, BACK HOME, YOU KNOW, 49 00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:30,700 JUST HELPING FATTY HERE PLOP OUT A BABY. 50 00:01:30,734 --> 00:01:32,367 - THAT'S ME. 51 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:33,767 - OH, BUT G--LOOK AT YOU! 52 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,100 YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST WALKED OUT OF A HOLLYWOOD SALON. 53 00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:39,233 JUST GORGEOUS! 54 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,633 NOT THE TWO OF US-- WE LOOK LIKE 55 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,367 A COUPLE OF SISTER WIVES. JUST, YOU KNOW, IS IT 56 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,200 HIS TURN OR MY TURN OR... 57 00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:47,333 WE'RE ALL TAKING A TURN, SO... 58 00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:49,233 ANYHOOS-- - MAYBE WE SHOULD GO. 59 00:01:49,266 --> 00:01:51,200 - YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD ALL HANG OUT 60 00:01:51,233 --> 00:01:52,700 SOME TIME. - OH, I DON'T--I DON'T THINK 61 00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:54,500 WE NECESSARILY HAVE TO DO THAT. 62 00:01:54,533 --> 00:01:57,100 - NO, WE DEFINITELY SHOULD. IN FACT, I AM NOT LEAVING 63 00:01:57,133 --> 00:01:58,667 UNTIL WE MAKE FIRM PLANS. 64 00:01:58,700 --> 00:01:59,767 - WELL, HOW 'BOUT TOMORROW? 65 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,000 - UM...TOMORROW? 66 00:02:02,033 --> 00:02:03,500 THAT'S--WOW, MAGGIE. 67 00:02:03,533 --> 00:02:04,767 WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON THE DOCKET? 68 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,233 - UM, YOU KNOW WHAT, 69 00:02:06,266 --> 00:02:07,467 THAT IS A NICE INVITATION... - YEAH. 70 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:09,200 - BUT-- - WELL, THEN WE CAN DO BRUNCH. 71 00:02:09,233 --> 00:02:11,367 - YOU KNOW WHAT? AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE 72 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,400 TO HAVE YOU IN MY HOME WHERE I LIVE, 73 00:02:13,433 --> 00:02:15,066 I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW. - OH! 74 00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:16,266 - OH... - SO IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME. 75 00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:20,000 - WELL, GREAT, THEN IT'S JUST US GIRLS. 76 00:02:20,033 --> 00:02:21,734 - GREAT! - GREAT! 77 00:02:43,333 --> 00:02:44,667 - I CAN'T. LET'S JUST GET BACK IN THE CAR. 78 00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:46,300 WE'LL TELL HER I HAVE CAPITAL "D." 79 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,700 NO ONE QUESTIONS THAT. - WHAT? NO. 80 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:49,700 WE ARE NOT FAKING DIARRHEA, OKAY? 81 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:52,233 WE COMMITTED TO THIS BRUNCH. - YEAH, BUT WHY WOULD BIRD BONES 82 00:02:52,266 --> 00:02:54,500 WANT TO HAVE BRUNCH WITH HER HUSBAND'S EX-GIRLFRIEND? 83 00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:56,333 THAT'S WEIRD! - IT WAS YOUR IDEA. 84 00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:58,567 - NO, IT WASN'T. - YOU SAID, AND I QUOTE, 85 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,433 "I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL WE MAKE FIRM PLANS." 86 00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:03,300 - WELL, I MUST HAVE HAD A PETITE MAL SEIZURE, 87 00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:04,700 'CAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER THAT AT ALL. 88 00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,667 WHAT ARE WE EVEN GONNA TALK TO HER ABOUT? 89 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:08,500 - I DON'T KNOW, BUT I GOTTA GET MY EYES 90 00:03:08,533 --> 00:03:10,433 ON THE INSIDE OF THIS HOUSE, 'CAUSE ROD SAYS IT'S STUNNING. 91 00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:12,567 - YOU NEED TO STOP HANGING OUT WITH THE U.P.S. GUY. 92 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,066 - ROD IS AN AMAZING MAN, 93 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,367 AND ALSO, HE KNOWS HOW TO ROCK A BROWN SHORT. 94 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,600 - LOOK AT THIS PLACE. NOBODY IS THIS PERFECT. 95 00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,300 MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER. 96 00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:21,700 - I TELL YOU WHAT, IF IT GETS TOO WEIRD, 97 00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:24,133 WE'RE JUST GONNA TOSS HER A BIG OLD BAG OF BIRD SEED, 98 00:03:24,166 --> 00:03:26,300 WATCH HER WORK THE SHELL OFF. 99 00:03:26,333 --> 00:03:27,467 AH-CAH-CAH. 100 00:03:29,266 --> 00:03:31,333 THAT'S A GOOD ONE, MAG. OH, MY GOD! 101 00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:32,500 WERE YOU JUST WAITING HERE FOR US? 102 00:03:32,533 --> 00:03:34,600 - ABSOLUTELY, I WAS. - ARE WE UNDER ARREST? 103 00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:36,500 - THIS IS SERIOUS--MY WIFE IS A VERY FRAGILE WOMAN, OKAY? 104 00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:38,600 SHE GOT SO WORKED UP LAST NIGHT GETTING EVERYTHING READY, 105 00:03:38,633 --> 00:03:40,734 SHE COULD BARELY SLEEP. - WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST THROW 106 00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:43,266 A BLANKET OVER HER CAGE? - HEY! HEY! 107 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,467 THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 108 00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:46,400 - WHAT? - YOU TWO CAN BE MEAN. 109 00:03:46,433 --> 00:03:47,467 - HEY, NUH-UH! - WHAT? WE'RE NOT MEAN. 110 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:48,667 - NO, WE'RE NOT. - YOU'RE MEAN. 111 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:50,400 - YOU'RE NICE WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, 112 00:03:50,433 --> 00:03:52,333 BUT WHEN YOU TWO GET TOGETHER, IT'S JUST LIKE HIGH SCHOOL. 113 00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:53,633 ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. I'M TALKING ABOUT 114 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,300 GOSSIPY GIRL HELL WHERE EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT-- 115 00:03:55,333 --> 00:03:56,567 - OKAY... 116 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,133 PLEASE, CAN YOU PLEASE TALK-- 117 00:03:58,166 --> 00:03:59,767 - I HOPE THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AN IMPRESSION OF US. 118 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,734 - UNFORTUNATELY, I CANNOT BE HERE 119 00:04:01,767 --> 00:04:04,533 TO LOOK OUT FOR TINA, BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK. 120 00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:07,100 SO PLEASE...BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR. 121 00:04:07,133 --> 00:04:09,133 - WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA DO--ATTACK HER? 122 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,166 IT'S A LADIES' BRUNCH. 123 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,233 - JUST BE NICE. BE NICE. 124 00:04:11,266 --> 00:04:12,266 - OH, MY GOD! 125 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,633 - TINA, ARE YOU GONNA EAT ANY OF THIS DELICIOUS FOOD 126 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,133 YOU'VE PREPARED? 127 00:04:28,166 --> 00:04:29,367 - NO. 128 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,500 - OKAY. 129 00:04:31,533 --> 00:04:33,000 - UH, TINA, 130 00:04:33,033 --> 00:04:34,533 THAT IS A GORGEOUS DRESS. 131 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,133 - OH! THANK YOU. 132 00:04:36,166 --> 00:04:37,767 - WHERE'D YOU GET IT? - MY BIRTHDAY. 133 00:04:45,533 --> 00:04:47,233 - THIS IS SO MUCH FUN! - OH! 134 00:04:47,266 --> 00:04:49,000 SO MUCH FUN! - IT REALLY IS. 135 00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,000 - WE ARE JUST... 136 00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:53,233 - THIS IS ONE FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS, FOR SURE. 137 00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,667 THIS HOUSE IS SPECTACULAR, TINA. 138 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:01,033 DO YOU DO ALL THE DECORATING YOURSELF? 139 00:05:01,066 --> 00:05:02,300 - I DO! 140 00:05:02,333 --> 00:05:03,533 WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE A TOUR? 141 00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,600 - YES, WE WOULD LOVE A TOUR. - PLEASE. YES. 142 00:05:05,633 --> 00:05:07,266 THERE IS NOTHING I'D LIKE MORE. - YES, PLEASE. 143 00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:08,400 - FOLLOW ME. - OKAY. 144 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,433 - WELL, UM...THE KITCHEN IS 145 00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:12,667 LUX-MODERN MEETS NEO-TRADITIONAL 146 00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:16,667 WITH JUST A HINT OF THE WHIMSY OF GIADA AT HOME. 147 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:17,667 THE COUNTER TOP-- - WE'RE JUST-- 148 00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:19,033 OH, SORRY TO INTERRUPT, 149 00:05:19,066 --> 00:05:21,533 BUT IT'S SO CLEAN AND PRISTINE IN HERE. 150 00:05:21,567 --> 00:05:23,667 WHERE--WHERE DO YOU KEEP, LIKE, YOUR JUNK AND STUFF? 151 00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,266 - I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 152 00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:27,367 - YOU KNOW, LIKE YOUR OLD BATTERIES 153 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,300 OR BED BATH & BEYOND COUPONS 154 00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:31,033 OR THOSE KEYS THAT YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS FOR?" 155 00:05:31,066 --> 00:05:32,767 - OH! MY JUNK. - YEAH. 156 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,066 - OKAY, NOW, DO NOT JUDGE ME, PLEASE. 157 00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,533 - OH, NO, WE WON'T. 158 00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,633 - OH, EMBARRASSING. 159 00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:42,166 - SEE, EMMA, THERE IT IS. - YEAH. 160 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,233 - LET'S PUT THAT AWAY. 161 00:05:43,266 --> 00:05:44,533 - OOH, WOW. 162 00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:47,066 - NOW, IF YOU WILL FOLLOW ME INTO THE DINING AREA, 163 00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:50,200 I'LL TELL YOU THE RIVETING ORIGIN STORY 164 00:05:50,233 --> 00:05:52,333 OF MY ANTIQUE DREXEL HERITAGE CHINA HUTCH. 165 00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,600 both: OOH. 166 00:05:54,633 --> 00:05:57,333 - OKAY, SO SEVEN OF YOUR GARDEN GNOMES HAVE BEEN STOLEN. 167 00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:58,700 IS THAT CORRECT? - YES. 168 00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,033 - AND DO THEY ALL LOOK LIKE THIS ONE? 169 00:06:00,066 --> 00:06:01,567 NO, SIR. 170 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,300 EACH GNOME IS UNIQUELY OUTFITTED 171 00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:06,633 ACCORDING TO HIS OR HER SPECIFIC PERSONALITY OR OCCUPATION. 172 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,367 - WHAT DOES THIS ONE DO? 173 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:09,533 - FELDSPAR IS A VETERINARIAN. 174 00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:11,066 THAT'S WHY HE HAS A CAT IN A WHEELBARROW. 175 00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,066 - AND WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT JOFFREY HERE 176 00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:14,333 IS THE ONE THAT STOLE THE OTHER GNOMES? 177 00:06:14,367 --> 00:06:18,600 - HE EMAILED ME THESE LEWD PHOTOGRAPHS. 178 00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:20,333 - ARE THESE GNOMES WEARING EYES WIDE SHUT MASKS? 179 00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:22,667 OH. 180 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,467 HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. 181 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,533 OKAY. 182 00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:29,066 OH, GOSH. 183 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,600 WELL, THAT'S JUST A HUG. 184 00:06:30,633 --> 00:06:32,600 THAT'S JUST A SWEET HUG. 185 00:06:32,633 --> 00:06:34,000 OH, NO, IT'S NOT. 186 00:06:34,033 --> 00:06:35,333 - IT'S NOT FUNNY! 187 00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:37,734 GNOMES DON'T HAVE ORGIES. THEY MATE FOR LIFE, 188 00:06:37,767 --> 00:06:39,133 AND THEY DON'T HAVE SEX FOR PLEASURE. 189 00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,467 - I THINK THAT THIS CASE IS PRETTY OPEN AND SHUT. 190 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,066 JOFFREY, APOLOGIZE TO MR. CASEY, 191 00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:44,166 AND GIVE HIM BACK HIS GNOMES. 192 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,600 - I DIDN'T DO IT. 193 00:06:45,633 --> 00:06:47,467 - YOU EMAILED HIM THE PICTURES FROM YOUR OWN EMAIL ADDRESS, 194 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:50,200 AND IF YOU DON'T CONFESS, I HAVE TO OPEN A FORMAL INVESTIGATION, 195 00:06:50,233 --> 00:06:51,367 SO PLEASE TELL HIM WHERE THE GNOMES ARE 196 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,400 SO WE CAN ALL GO HOME. - I DIDN'T DO IT. 197 00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:55,567 - YES, YOU DID, YOU LITTLE RAT! 198 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,000 AND I WILL NOT REST 199 00:06:57,033 --> 00:06:59,200 UNTIL HOCUS, POCUS, KLONDIKE, 200 00:06:59,233 --> 00:07:02,266 GUNTHER, SHASTA, EXCELSIOR, AND CHARLES 201 00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,100 ARE RETURNED TO MY CARE 202 00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,400 WITHOUT HARM! 203 00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:09,266 CAN YOU REPEAT THOSE NAMES FOR THE RECORD? 204 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,433 - HOCUS. A SILLY MAN. SMOKES A PIPE. 205 00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:12,667 - YEAH. - POCUS. 206 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,233 - OKAY, SO THAT'S ONE GNOME? 207 00:07:14,266 --> 00:07:16,633 - NO, IT'S TWO GNOMES. THEY'RE ESTRANGED BROTHERS. 208 00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:19,567 - AND WE CALL THAT OUR DAISY GREAT GATSBY ROOM. 209 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,100 AND AS WE ENTER THE MASTER BEDROOM, 210 00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:26,333 YOU'LL NOTICE THAT I'VE DRAWN INSPIRATION FROM THE FAR EAST. 211 00:07:26,367 --> 00:07:29,133 IT'S A VERITABLE PU-PU PLATTER OF INFLUENCES 212 00:07:29,166 --> 00:07:30,767 FROM MANY ASIAN CULTURES. 213 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,734 - I KNOW MARK LOVES HIS SLOPPY JOES, 214 00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:34,400 BUT THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE LETTING HIM EAT THOSE 215 00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:35,567 IN THIS GORGEOUS BED, AM I RIGHT? 216 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,667 - OH, NO, HE EATS IN BED ALL THE TIME. 217 00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:39,266 - WHAT? 218 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,266 - SEE, I JUST ENCASE THE "JOE" 219 00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:41,533 IN A PERFECT LITTLE BALL OF BREAD 220 00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,767 SO THERE'S NOTHING SLOPPY ABOUT IT. 221 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,000 IT'S CALLED A TIDY JOE. 222 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:49,000 - WOW, TINA. YOU ARE REALLY DOING IT. 223 00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:51,300 - THANK YOU. I TRY. 224 00:07:51,333 --> 00:07:53,500 I TRY TO REALLY DO IT. 225 00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:55,667 - ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. 226 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:57,467 OH, LOOK AT THIS! 227 00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,734 - MY GOD! IT'S GORGEOUS. 228 00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,333 - IS THIS A DOUBLE SOAKER TUB? 229 00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:03,667 - THERE IS A CHANDELIER OVER THE TUB? 230 00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:06,600 HONESTLY, I WOULD MURDER LIKE 1,000 HOBOS 231 00:08:06,633 --> 00:08:08,200 JUST TO LIVE IN THIS BATHROOM. 232 00:08:08,233 --> 00:08:10,000 - WELL, THAT IS THE END OF OUR TOUR. 233 00:08:10,033 --> 00:08:11,767 - IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M JUST GONNA USE THE BATHROOM. 234 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,000 - OH, I'LL USE IT, TOO. 235 00:08:13,033 --> 00:08:14,300 - YOU CAN USE THE GUEST BATHROOM. 236 00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:15,500 - OH, IT'S FINE. I'LL USE THIS ONE. 237 00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:17,033 WE PEE IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME. 238 00:08:17,066 --> 00:08:19,100 - YEAH, I'VE SEEN THIS MORE THAN I CARE TO RECALL. 239 00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:20,200 - SHE LOVES IT. 240 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,200 - NO, I DON'T, ACTUALLY. 241 00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:24,133 - GIRLFRIENDS. 242 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,700 OKAY, WELL, I'LL JUST GO MAKE US SOME FRENCH PRESS COFFEE. 243 00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:31,166 - OKAY, GREAT. - ARE FAIR TRADE BEANS OKAY? 244 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,033 - WE PREFER THEM. - I LOVE FAIR TRADE. 245 00:08:33,066 --> 00:08:34,100 - GREAT. - YEAH. 246 00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,500 - YEAH, THE FAIRER THE BETTER. - OKAY. 247 00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,567 OH, MY GOD. 248 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,300 - CAN WE JUST TAKE A MINUTE TO PROCESS WHAT IS HAPPENING? 249 00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:44,333 - WHEN SHE LOOKS AT YOU WITH THOSE DEAD EYES, 250 00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:46,600 I LITERALLY--I GO-- I GO HOLLOW INSIDE. 251 00:08:46,633 --> 00:08:49,500 - BUT THIS HOUSE BE BANGIN'. 252 00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:51,433 - HOUSE BE BANGIN'. 253 00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:54,066 - I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS SHOWER. - ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 254 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,567 - THERE'S A BENCH IN HERE. - YEAH, YOU KNOW WHY? 255 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,567 'CAUSE YOU KNOW MARK LIKES TO COME IN HERE 256 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,333 WHILE SHE'S TAKING HER LITTLE BIRD BATHS 257 00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:02,066 AND THEY CAN DO IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 258 00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:03,266 - OH, YEAH. - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 259 00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:05,467 - WASH UNDER YOUR WINGS, GIRL. - TWEET, TWEET. 260 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,667 - HEY, GET UNDER YOUR TAIL WHERE THE OIL DUCT IS, OOH, YEAH. 261 00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,266 - OH, IS THIS WHAT YOU MEAN, PAPI? 262 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,333 IS THIS WHAT YOU MEAN, PAPI? - UH-HUH, UH-HUH. 263 00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:12,333 - HEY, PECK AT IT. 264 00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:13,467 PECK AT IT, GIRL. PECK AT IT! 265 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,033 - PECK, PECK, PECK, PECK. - USE YOUR BEAK. 266 00:09:15,066 --> 00:09:16,400 YEAH! 267 00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:17,667 - OH, NO! 268 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,400 TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! 269 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:22,333 HOW DO YOU TURN IT OFF? 270 00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:23,600 - TURN IT OFF! 271 00:09:23,633 --> 00:09:26,300 - OKAY... 272 00:09:30,233 --> 00:09:31,533 OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED? 273 00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:34,533 - WE GOT IN YOUR SHOWER. - IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL. 274 00:09:34,567 --> 00:09:36,633 WE WANTED TO BE INSIDE OF IT. 275 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:39,100 - SO WE ARE VERY SORRY. - AND WE WILL GO. 276 00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:41,133 - GOOD DAY TO YOU. 277 00:09:41,166 --> 00:09:43,233 - NO, PLEASE STAY. 278 00:09:43,266 --> 00:09:45,500 - WHAT? - YOU WANT US TO STAY? 279 00:09:45,533 --> 00:09:49,233 - IT'S JUST...SO NICE, HAVING THE TWO OF YOU HERE. 280 00:09:49,266 --> 00:09:51,633 I DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT IT MUCH, 281 00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:54,000 BUT I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF GIRLFRIENDS. 282 00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:55,667 - WHAT? - REALLY? 283 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,100 IS THAT-- IS THAT TRUE? 284 00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:59,333 - I HAD A REALLY BAD EXPERIENCE IN HIGH SCHOOL 285 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:01,367 WHERE A COUPLE OF GIRLS-- I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE-- 286 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,433 BUT THEY STARTED CALLING ME "BIRD BONES." 287 00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:07,767 AND IT MADE IT REALLY HARD FOR ME TO TRUST OTHER WOMEN. 288 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,367 - WELL, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT, THAT NEVER GOT BACK TO ME. 289 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,367 WHAT A--WHAT A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE NAME. 290 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,100 WHAT WAS IT AGAIN? BIRD--BIRD BO--BONES? 291 00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:18,100 - THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH. 292 00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:20,033 - OH! I ALMOST FORGOT! 293 00:10:20,066 --> 00:10:21,567 I MADE HORS D'OEUVRES. 294 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,333 WOULD YOU GUYS STAY FOR A NIBBLE? 295 00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:26,000 - YES. - YES, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 296 00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:28,200 LOOK AT THIS BELLY. THIS BABY IS ALWAYS HUNGRY. 297 00:10:28,233 --> 00:10:29,667 - OKAY. 298 00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:32,300 PARDON ME. - MM-HMM, OKAY, OKAY. 299 00:10:32,333 --> 00:10:35,400 I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW NICE SHE IS AND HOW TERRIBLE WE ARE. 300 00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:37,533 - MARK WAS RIGHT, WE ARE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PEOPLE. 301 00:10:37,567 --> 00:10:40,000 AND "BIRD BONES"? WHAT KIND OF NICKNAME IS THAT? 302 00:10:40,033 --> 00:10:41,667 IT'S SO STUPID! SHE'S NOT LIKE A BIRD AT ALL! 303 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:42,667 - NO. 304 00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:46,000 - TINA? 305 00:10:46,033 --> 00:10:48,533 - MY EGGS! MY BEAUTIFUL EGGS! 306 00:10:57,767 --> 00:11:00,166 - NO, THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. 307 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,633 THAT'S WHY I HAVE THE SPLINTS. 308 00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:04,533 - WHAT, YOU JUST HAVE A SUPPLY OF SPLINTS FOR EVERY BODY PART? 309 00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:07,133 - YEAH, I STORE THEM IN VINTAGE APOTHECARY JARS. 310 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,567 - WELL, THAT'S CUTE. - I'M SO SORRY. 311 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,400 I'M REALLY EMBARRASSED. YOU SHOULD GO. 312 00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:13,500 - NO, TINA, PLEASE, THIS IS ALL OUR FAULT. 313 00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:15,433 - YEAH, IF WE HADN'T TRACKED WATER ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE, 314 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:16,433 YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SLIPPED. 315 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,033 - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! 316 00:11:18,066 --> 00:11:20,633 IT'S THESE BONES. THEY RUIN EVERYTHING. 317 00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:24,000 - TINA, HEY, NOTHING'S RUINED, OKAY? 318 00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:25,567 WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED. - THAT'S RIGHT. 319 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,734 - NOW WHAT IF I WERE TO HAVE MAGS HERE 320 00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:30,100 WHIP UP A BATCH OF HER FAMOUS BLOODY MARYS? 321 00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:31,467 - I MEAN, I'MA MAKE A VIRGIN ONE, 322 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,066 'CAUSE I GOT A BABY GROWING IN MY UT'. 323 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,200 - I DON'T KNOW... 324 00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:37,266 I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE MY WEDDING. 325 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,066 - TINA, IT IS NOT A REAL BRUNCH 326 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:42,567 UNLESS YOU POUR SOME VODKA INTO JUICE. 327 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:43,667 - OKAY. LET'S DO IT! 328 00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:45,066 - ALL RIGHT. - WHOO! 329 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,400 - POINT ME TO YOUR PAPRIKA. 330 00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:48,700 - OH, IT'S IN MY SPICES OF THE WORLD CAROUSEL. 331 00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:51,066 OF COURSE IT IS. 332 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:53,400 - JOFFREY, YOU'RE KILLING ME. 333 00:11:53,433 --> 00:11:55,567 WE'VE WASTED HALF A DAY TALKING ABOUT THESE GNOMES. 334 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,133 - MY THERAPIST SAYS I'M LASHING OUT 335 00:11:57,166 --> 00:11:58,567 BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS' DIVORCE. 336 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,033 - WOW. YOU MUST BE 337 00:12:00,066 --> 00:12:02,233 THE ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA WITH DIVORCED PARENTS. 338 00:12:02,266 --> 00:12:03,367 OH, WAIT, NEVER MIND, 339 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,133 THAT'S 50% OF AMERICAN TEENS! 340 00:12:07,266 --> 00:12:08,500 YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR REAL PROBLEM IS? 341 00:12:08,533 --> 00:12:10,667 YOU'RE A BOZO. - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? 342 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:14,033 - IT MEANS YOU DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. 343 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,734 MY DAD LEFT WHEN I WAS A KID. 344 00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:17,367 I DID ALL KINDS OF STUPID THINGS. 345 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,000 STUPIDER THAN YOU. 346 00:12:19,033 --> 00:12:20,400 BUT I GOT MY ACT TOGETHER, 347 00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,567 BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LET A BAD THING SOMEBODY ELSE DOES 348 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,567 DEFINE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. 349 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,700 DO YOU WANNA BE A FULL-BLOWN BOZO? 350 00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:31,433 THEN TAKE ME TO THE GODDAMN GNOMES. 351 00:12:32,734 --> 00:12:35,000 - WAS THAT MR. SHAPIRO? - YES. 352 00:12:35,033 --> 00:12:36,200 - THAT WAS LITERALLY-- - OH, MAN. 353 00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:39,000 - WOULD PROPOSE TO YOU ALMOST EVERY DAY. 354 00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,000 - MM-HMM, MM-HMM. I WAS SO JEALOUS OF YOU 355 00:12:40,033 --> 00:12:41,667 THAT A TEACHER LOVED YOU. 356 00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:43,000 I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS THE COOLEST THING. 357 00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:45,100 - WHAT? - OH, MY--TINA, WHAT? 358 00:12:45,133 --> 00:12:47,400 - I DO NOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME 359 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,700 THAT I HAVE LAUGHED THIS HARD. 360 00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:50,433 - WHY HAVE WE NOT DONE THIS BEFORE? 361 00:12:50,467 --> 00:12:52,467 THE THREE OF US, WE COULD HAVE DESTROYED. 362 00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:55,266 - NO, I WAS TOO BUSY ROLLING CIGARETTES IN THE BATHROOM. 363 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,367 - WH--TINA! - WHAT--YOU-- 364 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,266 YOU SMOKED? - I DIDN'T. 365 00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,667 I RAN A VERY LUCRATIVE CIGARETTE EMPIRE 366 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:02,533 OUT OF THE LADIES' LOCKER ROOM. 367 00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:04,000 - OH, MY GOD! 368 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,400 - I WAS REALLY GOOD AT IT. - OF COURSE YOU WERE. 369 00:13:05,433 --> 00:13:06,767 YOU'RE GOOD AT EVERYTHING. 370 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,400 - ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS SOME MORE? 371 00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:10,533 - OH, PLEASE. BIRD BONES, CAN I TOP YOU OFF? 372 00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:12,333 I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY. 373 00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:13,333 I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT-- - NO, IT'S FINE. 374 00:13:13,367 --> 00:13:15,000 HONESTLY, IT'S FINE. - TINA-- 375 00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:17,300 - LOOK AT ME. I AM BIRD BONES. 376 00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:20,533 I MEAN, I HAVE APOTHECARY JARS FILLED WITH SPLINTS. 377 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:23,400 BECAUSE MY BODY BREAKS ALL THE TIME. 378 00:13:24,433 --> 00:13:25,567 I'M BIRD BONES. 379 00:13:27,033 --> 00:13:30,367 EEK, I'M--I'M BIRD BONES. BIRD BONES. 380 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,400 NOW, HONESTLY, WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT NICKNAME IS GENIUS. 381 00:13:33,433 --> 00:13:35,567 - I WILL TELL YOU WHO THAT GENIUS IS. 382 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,133 - OH, NO, YEAH, DON'T DO THAT. - SHUT UP. 383 00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:38,700 - WHO? WHO? - IT'S ME. 384 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:41,066 - NOBODY. - I CAME UP WITH THE NAME! 385 00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:42,633 I'M THE GENIUS. 386 00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:43,734 - WHAT? 387 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,266 - 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE "BIRD BONES!" 388 00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,266 THIS ONE WAS ALL "BIRD BONES"-- - WHAT? 389 00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:49,734 WHAT? - OH. 390 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,200 TINA-- 391 00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:54,066 - WHAT? 392 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:56,066 - WHAT'S HAPPENING? 393 00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:58,367 WHAT? - OH, MY GOD. 394 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,600 TINA. TINA! OH, MY GOD. 395 00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:02,166 WHAT DO I DO? - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 396 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,266 - WHAT? - WE WERE BOTH HAVING A LAUGH! 397 00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:12,200 - OKAY, JOFFREY, WE ARE HERE. WHERE ARE THE GNOMES? 398 00:14:13,266 --> 00:14:15,333 - NO--JOFFREY, WHY? 399 00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:18,200 - MY GNOMES! 400 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:19,600 - I'M SORRY, I'VE GOT TO TAKE THIS. 401 00:14:19,633 --> 00:14:20,734 WE'LL FIGURE THIS OUT IN TWO SECONDS. 402 00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:23,233 - WH-- - NOT A GOOD TIME, EMMA. 403 00:14:23,266 --> 00:14:25,400 - MARK, YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE WORRIED. 404 00:14:25,433 --> 00:14:28,667 - TINA, COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR. - DON'T YOU MEAN "BIRD BONES"? 405 00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,433 - WHY IS THERE YELLING? WHAT--WHAT IS GOING ON? 406 00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:32,767 - OVER THE COURSE OF ONE BRUNCH, WE HAVE MANAGED 407 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,033 TO HURT YOUR WIFE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. 408 00:14:35,066 --> 00:14:36,367 BUT I'M GONNA FIX IT. 409 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,266 - EMMA, PUT TINA ON THE PHONE. - I WISH THAT I COULD, 410 00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,066 BUT IT'S NOT REALLY POSSIBLE RIGHT NOW. 411 00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,400 COULD YOU DO SOMETHING PLEASE? 412 00:14:41,433 --> 00:14:42,667 - WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? 413 00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:45,066 - UM, COULD YOU TELL ME IF YOU MIGHT HAVE 414 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:46,633 A SPARE KEY TO YOUR BEDROOM THAT I COULD USE? 415 00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:48,533 - OH, MY GOD. 416 00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:50,467 OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER! 417 00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:52,400 - MR. CASEY, DON'T! 418 00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:09,700 - MR. CASEY! I WILL SAVE YOU! 419 00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,000 - JOFFREY, HOLD UP! 420 00:15:11,033 --> 00:15:13,300 - OH, MY GOD! 421 00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:14,767 WHAT THE HELL? 422 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,500 - PREGNANCY STRENGTH. 423 00:15:18,133 --> 00:15:19,467 - EMMA, WHERE IS TINA? 424 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,467 - YOU KNOW WHAT, EVERYTHING'S GREAT. 425 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,367 THANKS SO MUCH, BYE-BYE. 426 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,000 - LEAVE ME. SAVE THE GNOMES. 427 00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:26,467 - I WON'T LEAVE YOU. 428 00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,300 - OKAY? - MY GNOMES! 429 00:15:28,333 --> 00:15:30,700 GNOMES. - GNOMES, SAVE THE GNOMES. 430 00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:32,000 - HOCUS-POCUS DOESN'T LIKE GUNTHER. 431 00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:33,166 KEEP THEM SEPARATE. 432 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,266 I'VE GOT HIS FACE FACED THE OTHER WAY 433 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,266 SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK AT 'EM. 434 00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,467 - THEY'RE GONNA HATE THAT. 435 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:39,500 - OKAY, ON THE DRIVING RANGE, STOP THE BALLS! 436 00:15:40,734 --> 00:15:43,367 - OH, MY GOD. - WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE? 437 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,500 - TINA? 438 00:15:46,533 --> 00:15:50,367 - TINA... 439 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,367 - WHOA. 440 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,500 - THIS WAS NOT ON THE TOUR. 441 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,400 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? 442 00:16:09,433 --> 00:16:12,400 HERE'S EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH ME, ALL IN ONE CLOSET! 443 00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:14,000 - TINA, WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF? 444 00:16:14,033 --> 00:16:15,467 - IT'S FROM QVC! 445 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:21,000 I HAVE EVERYTHING THAT QVC SELLS FROM 1996 TO THE PRESENT DAY. 446 00:16:21,033 --> 00:16:24,033 I HAVE 25 PANINI PRESSES. 447 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,066 I DON'T EVEN LIKE HOT SANDWICHES. 448 00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,367 - TINA, WHY? - I DON'T KNOW. 449 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,467 I WAS JUST SO LONELY IN HIGH SCHOOL. 450 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,633 THEN I STARTED CALLING IN, 451 00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:35,533 AND THE OPERATORS WERE SO FRIENDLY. 452 00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:37,233 THEY WERE SO NICE. 453 00:16:37,266 --> 00:16:39,367 ONE OF THEM IS NAMED YOLANDA. 454 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:40,700 YOLANDA'S MY BEST FRIEND. 455 00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:42,367 - NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. - DON'T SAY THAT. 456 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,700 - YOU DON'T CARE. 457 00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:47,734 YOU THINK THAT I DIDN'T NOTICE ALL YOUR POINTED QUESTIONS? 458 00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:49,367 I'M NOT STUPID. 459 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:53,166 YOU WANTED TO KNOW HOW MARK COULD BE WITH A FREAK LIKE ME. 460 00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,467 - OKAY, TINA, YOU'RE RIGHT. 461 00:16:56,500 --> 00:17:00,200 I CAME HERE HOPING TO FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. 462 00:17:00,233 --> 00:17:02,467 BECAUSE... 463 00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:03,533 I'M JEALOUS OF YOU. 464 00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:06,100 - WHAT? NO, YOU'RE NOT. 465 00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:09,567 - IT'S TRUE, WE ARE. SHE IS. I AM. 466 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,633 - YEAH, YOU'RE MARRIED TO MY HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND. 467 00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:15,233 YOU HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE AND THIS DREAM HOUSE. 468 00:17:15,266 --> 00:17:19,066 AND ALSO, P.S., YOUR BODY BE BANGIN'. 469 00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,200 - REALLY? 470 00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,467 YOU THINK MY BODY BE BANGIN'? - YES! 471 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,667 'CAUSE IT DOES! 472 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,033 IT DOES BE BANGIN'. 473 00:17:27,066 --> 00:17:28,600 - AND THE ONLY THING WE COULD THINK 474 00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:29,667 THAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU 475 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:31,166 WAS YOUR WEAK BONES. - YEAH. 476 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,400 - AND THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR FAULT. 477 00:17:32,433 --> 00:17:33,600 - NO, THAT'S GENETICS. 478 00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:36,133 - YEAH, OR LACK OF DAIRY. DO YOU DRINK MILK? 479 00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:38,567 - SO, TINA, THIS CLOSET, 480 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,433 FINDING OUT THERE'S SOMETHING NOT-SO-PERFECT ABOUT YOU, 481 00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:44,133 HONESTLY? THAT'S GIVING ME BACK MY WILL TO LIVE. 482 00:17:44,166 --> 00:17:47,200 - DON'T WORRY. I AM NOT PERFECT. 483 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:50,433 I'M NOT PERFECT AT ALL. 484 00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:52,567 - HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD S-SLOW DOWN ON THOSE, 485 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,633 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET ANYMORE TILL EASTER. 486 00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,533 - WELL, THEY COME OUT AGAIN AT HALLOWEEN. 487 00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:59,133 - CADBURY CREME EGGS? - CADBURY SCREME EGGS. 488 00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:01,567 - MM. - YEAH, SHE KNOWS. 489 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,033 - I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE. 490 00:18:03,066 --> 00:18:06,467 I JUST-- I CAN'T STOP BUYING THINGS. 491 00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:09,033 - HEY, I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, 492 00:18:09,066 --> 00:18:11,600 WE HAVE SEEN A TON OF HGTV. - OH, YEAH. 493 00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,133 AND, LIKE, MORE OPRAH HOARDING SPECIALS 494 00:18:13,166 --> 00:18:14,400 THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT. 495 00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:16,467 - YEAH, YOU KNOW HER ORGANIZING GUY, PETER WALSH? 496 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:18,500 - MM, THE AUSTRALIAN. - WE'RE OBSESSED WITH HIM. 497 00:18:18,533 --> 00:18:21,066 IF YOU WANTED, WE COULD CLEAN THIS CLOSET UP IN NO TIME. 498 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,300 - REALLY? both: YEAH. 499 00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:24,567 - AND MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WANNA BUY SOMETHING, 500 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,700 YOU CALL US UP INSTEAD. 501 00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:27,700 - OKAY. 502 00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:30,000 - MAGGIE? - YEAH? 503 00:18:30,033 --> 00:18:32,233 GO GET THE GARBAGE BAGS. 504 00:18:32,266 --> 00:18:34,166 OH. START THINKING ABOUT 505 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,200 WHAT YOU WANT TO GIVE AWAY. 506 00:18:36,233 --> 00:18:37,767 - THAT BOY SAVED MY LIFE. 507 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,200 - ALL RIGHT. - AND THE LIVES OF MY GNOMES. 508 00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:41,500 - WELL, ACTUALLY, I SAVED THE GNOMES. 509 00:18:41,533 --> 00:18:42,767 - HISTORY WILL DECIDE. 510 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,266 - IT ALREADY HAS. 511 00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:47,333 SO, UH, JOFFREY, BUDDY, THANKS. YOU DID A GOOD JOB. 512 00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,567 - YEAH, I KNOW. 513 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,000 - MR. CASEY, CAN WE CONSIDER THIS CASE CLOSED? 514 00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:52,533 THERE ARE CURRENTLY TWO WOMEN IN MY HOME 515 00:18:52,567 --> 00:18:55,300 WHO MAY BE MURDERING MY WIFE, SO I NEED TO GO. 516 00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:56,467 - THERE IS JUST ONE MORE THING. 517 00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,734 IN GRATITUDE FOR YOUR BRAVERY... - MM-HMM. 518 00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:02,066 - AND YOUR COMMITMENT TO JUSTICE, 519 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,333 I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU BOTH A GNOME. 520 00:19:04,367 --> 00:19:05,467 - YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO DO THAT. 521 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:07,600 - I INSIST. - OKAY, THEN. 522 00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:08,734 I WILL TAKE THIS ONE WITH THE WEIRD PIPE. 523 00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,500 - WHAT ABOUT YOU, JOFFREY? 524 00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:12,133 WHICH ONE DO YOU-- NO, JOFF--WHAT? 525 00:19:12,166 --> 00:19:14,066 - SEE YA! - YOU'RE STEALING A GOLF CART? 526 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:18,200 YOU'RE BEING A FULL-BLOWN BOZO! 527 00:19:18,233 --> 00:19:19,667 - NO, NO...DON'T... 528 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,467 - EXCELSIOR! 529 00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:22,467 NO! - I'M SORRY. 530 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,233 I'M-- - HIS LITTLE HEAD! 531 00:19:24,266 --> 00:19:27,767 WHY? 532 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,667 - ALL RIGHT. - TINA, ARE YOU COMFORTABLE? 533 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,166 - UH... - HOW ARE YOU FEELING? 534 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,433 - YOU'RE GONNA BE THERE A WHILE. DO YOU NEED A WATER? 535 00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:33,467 - OKAY, LET'S JUST DO IT. LET'S JUST DO IT. 536 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:34,433 - TINA, DO YOU FEEL LIKE A CHAMPION? 537 00:19:34,467 --> 00:19:36,100 I'M A CHAMPION. 538 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,533 - OKAY, SHE'S A CHAMPION. ALL RIGHT. 539 00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,467 NOW, HERE ARE THE RULES. 540 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,433 WE ARE GONNA SORT EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT 541 00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:42,633 INTO THREE PILES. 542 00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:44,500 - TOSS, KEEP, AND GIVE AWAY. 543 00:19:44,533 --> 00:19:47,133 AND ALL THAT'S LEFT TO DO IS CHOOSE WHAT TO START WITH. 544 00:19:47,166 --> 00:19:49,467 SO WHY DON'T WE START WITH THESE OMELETTE MAKERS? 545 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:53,667 - OH, OKAY, YOU'VE GOT ABOUT 20 MICROWAVE OMELETTE MAKERS. 546 00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:54,767 HOW MANY DO YOU WANT TO GET RID OF? 547 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,700 - 1. - 1? 548 00:19:56,734 --> 00:19:58,500 - KEEP 19. - NO, NO, NO. 549 00:19:58,533 --> 00:20:00,367 TINA, YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS. - KEEP 19. 550 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,533 - STOP SAYING THAT. YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS. 551 00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:04,500 WE ARE ONLY KEEPING 1. 552 00:20:04,533 --> 00:20:06,000 - DO YOU WANNA GIVE THE REST AWAY? 553 00:20:06,033 --> 00:20:07,433 - NO, TOSS 'EM. IF I CAN'T HAVE THEM, 554 00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:08,533 I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE THEM. 555 00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:10,133 - TINA! - THAT'S RUDE. 556 00:20:10,166 --> 00:20:11,367 - TINA...I GOTTA TELL YOU, 557 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,700 I'M LIKING YOU MORE AND MORE 558 00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:14,100 WITH ALL THESE RUDE THINGS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. 559 00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:15,467 - OH, WOW, LOOK AT ALL THESE TEDDY BEARS. 560 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,000 - OH, SEE, THIS IS ENTIRELY TOO MANY TEDDY BEARS-- 561 00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,166 - NO. NOT MY GUNDS. 562 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,734 I GOTTA HAVE MY GUNDS! - OH, TINA-- 563 00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:21,734 - NO! 564 00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:24,033 - TINA! - OH, NO! 565 00:20:24,066 --> 00:20:25,734 - OH, I'M HURT, OW! 566 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,533 - OH, COME ON. 567 00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,066 IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF STUFFED ANIMALS. 568 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,633 - ONE OF THEIR HARD PLASTIC NOSES 569 00:20:30,667 --> 00:20:32,266 HIT A TINY BONE IN MY WRIST. 570 00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,734 - UGH, ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO GET THE SPLINTS. 571 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,767 - FROM THE BIG JAR. OW. 572 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,433 - YOU WANNA NIBBLE ON THIS, SISTER? 573 00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:45,200 OW! HEY, NOW. - SORRY. 574 00:20:52,066 --> 00:20:53,633 - LIKE A CLEAN SLATE. - ALL RIGHT. 575 00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:55,633 - HEY, HOW IS SHE? - SHE'S GREAT. 576 00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:57,066 WE GOT HER PROPPED UP IN THE BED. 577 00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:58,333 SHE'S WATCHING HGTV. 578 00:20:58,367 --> 00:20:59,400 - OH, YEAH. - CAN I JUST ASK, 579 00:20:59,433 --> 00:21:00,734 WHAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY? 580 00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:02,166 - NOTHING. 581 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,734 - JUST A TYPICAL LADIES BRUNCH. 582 00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:05,033 - WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID, 583 00:21:05,066 --> 00:21:06,734 BUT YOU TWO CONVINCED TINA TO SHOW YOU 584 00:21:06,767 --> 00:21:08,433 HER SECRET HOARDER'S CLOSET. 585 00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:10,600 I MEAN, NO ONE'S EVER SEEN THAT. - OH, IT WAS NO BIGGIE. 586 00:21:10,633 --> 00:21:12,066 WE JUST WERE HELPING HER CLEAN IT OUT. 587 00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:13,233 - YEAH. - REALLY? 588 00:21:13,266 --> 00:21:14,266 AND SHE WAS JUST PERFECTLY OKAY WITH THAT? 589 00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:15,567 both: UH-HUH. - AND RIGHT NOW, 590 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,033 YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE ANY COMMENTS 591 00:21:17,066 --> 00:21:18,266 ABOUT SHE TRIED TO PECK YOUR EYES OUT OR ANYTHING? 592 00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:20,567 - NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, TINA'S PRETTY GREAT. 593 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,600 - MM-HMM. 594 00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:23,433 - I TOTALLY GET WHY YOU'RE TOGETHER. 595 00:21:23,467 --> 00:21:25,633 - WHY ARE YOU TWO BEING SO NICE TO ME RIGHT NOW? 596 00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:27,333 - I FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. 597 00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:30,133 PLEASE MAKE A SNIDE COMMENT ABOUT MY LIFE. 598 00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:31,500 - I WON'T. I WON'T DO IT. 599 00:21:31,533 --> 00:21:34,467 MAGS, OUR WORK HERE IS DONE. 600 00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:36,333 - OKAY, UH, WAIT, GUYS. - TAKE CARE, BUDDY. 601 00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:38,400 - GUYS? WHY ARE YOU WEARING OUR BATHROBES? 602 00:21:38,433 --> 00:21:40,066 - BYE NOW. - IT'S A NICE WEAVE 603 00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:41,467 IS WHAT IT IS, YEAH. - IT IS A GOOD WEAVE. 604 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,066 - GIVE ME BACK OUR ROBES! 605 00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,233 both: BYE! 606 00:21:48,066 --> 00:21:49,734 - I FEEL LIKE THE MARY POPPINS OF TRASH. 44424

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