Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's going to stop me now

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello!

Yeah, yeah, Tina, Hi!

Yeah. No, Balki's not here right now.

Can I take your number?

Uh-huh.

if he is free on Tuesday.

Oh, your second date!

Well, you are a lucky, lucky girl!

Uh-huh.

Okay, bye-bye.

Larry, dating all these women at once

is sending Balki down a terrible and lonely road.

I think that deep down, he's miserable.

Okay, you lost me.

Balki has had 20 dates in the last two weeks.

You call that misery?

Balki is trying to fill the void left by Mary Anne.

He's never gonna be happy until they get back together.

All right, all right, uh, Jen,

but Balki has moved on.

(CHUCKLING) He is now living

every bachelor's dream.

Trust me, he is very, very happy.

Well, aren't ya gonna invite me in for a nightcap?

(GIGGLING AND EXCLAIMING) Goodnight. Oh!

Watch your fingers, watch your fingers, fingers.

Well, here's the happy bachelor!

(LAUGHING)

So, Balki...

Did you have fun on your date with Heather?

She owns her own trampoline.

Need I say more?

See? Huh?

And what about last night?

Ooh, Kimberley. Yeah.

Yeah. What a woman.

What a wonderful woman

and what a special evening we had.

We went to a magic show

and, uh, she was picked out of the audience

to be a contestant.

They put her in a box

and I still don't know where she is.

Oh, yeah, Jen, he is real miserable.

Yeah, life don't get much better than this.

No, sir!

(LAUGHS)

No way!

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

So you really are happy?

(SOBS) Oh, God! Jennifer!

You can see through me like an empty aquarium.

I feel like I'm sitting on the dock at the bay...

Wasting time.

(SOBS)

All right, maybe "Happy" isn't exactly the right word.

Larry, you have to go talk to him.

He's feeling empty

and shallow and he's quoting song lyrics

because he misses Mary Anne.

All right, all right, I'll talk to him

Yes, it does. No, he just...

He just needs to slow down his dating habits.

He's confused because he's dating

too many women at a time.

I experienced the same thing when I was in college.

Well, I read about the same thing when I was in college.

Anyway, I will straighten him out.

(CRYING)

Balki, Balki, Balki, come on, come on.

Now let me, let me get this straight.

You're dating all these gorgeous women,

sometimes two, three a day.

Yeah.

You're not happy?

was to juggle three women at the same time...

I tried it and I almost dislocated my shoulder.

(GROANING)

All right, Balki, listen, listen.

I'm gonna give you a slight adjustment

to some of the advice I gave you earlier.

Well, cousin, your exact words were,

"Balki, you got to date until your head caves in

"and then remember every little detail

"so you can tell me about it later."

Balki, I think you gotta slow down.

You know, get to know the women that you date.

You know, find out who they are

what they're like.

Learn to listen to their inane little stories.

LARRY: I talked to Balki, he's happy. End of conversation.

Larry, he's not happy!

I'm sure he still loves Mary Anne

and Mary Anne still loves him.

(SIGHS) Well, I think he's over Mary Anne.

I'm glad you're both here, I have some wonderful news to share with you.

I've met her! The girl of my dreams!

And I owe it all to this big Cucamonga over here!

Cousin Larry!

Hey, we're all gonna go out to dinner tonight to celebrate!

Really? Well, Balki.

Congratulations! Where'd you meet her?

On the carousel in the park, about an hour ago.

I think she was swayed by the fact that, uh, my shirt

wasn't tucked into my underwear.

Balki, before you decide she's the girl for you,

don't you think you should spend a little more time with her?

Oh, sometimes, you know, love just

hits you in the stomach and makes you nauseous.

And this girl makes me sick.

She's in the kitchen right now, I'd like to bring her out

and introduce you to her.

Well, there goes one happy man!

He's met a girl,

he's moving on with his life,

and he owes it all to me.

I don't buy it, Larry. He still loves Mary Anne.

(SCOFFS) Jennifer, I know how you feel

but Mary Anne is in his deep past.

He is over Mary Anne for good.

Cousin Larry?

Honey, this is Cousin Larry

and his wife, Jennifer.

Pleased to meet you.

Cousin Larry, are you a friend of Balki's

or are you related?

Is she one of a kind or what?

Balki, you said that before dinner

we could race our jackets down the laundry chute.

Last one up the stairs is a rotten eggbeater!

And we owe this all to you!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Honey, I think you're really gonna like this restaurant.

The food is excellent, the service is great,

and the bread sticks are just small enough

to stick up your nose.

Good evening.

May I help you?

Yes, uh, Bartokomous, party of four.

Uh...

The other two are in the parking lot.

My cousin is negotiating with the parking attendant.

Jennifer, for the last time,

I admit I was wrong about Balki.

Larry, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong.

What's important is what we do about it.

Got any ideas?

Not a one.

But I did just save us a buck on parking!

Oh, here we are.

Excuse us. Oh.

Uh, uh, move, move.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, okay, fine.

Hi. We have reservations...

(GASPS) Look who just walked in!

Oh! Uh, all right, all right, don't panic.

(STAMMERING) I'll take care of this.

Uh, Balki, uh...

I think you should know

an old friend of yours is here.

Ah! Well, of course.

Mary Anne.

MARY ANNE: How long is the wait?

Mary Anne. Mary Anne.

Hi, Balki.

Hi, Mary Anne.

Um... How are you?

Fine.

You look just great.

Are you happy? Oh, couldn't be happier!

Well, I'm happy to hear you're happy.

Honey, this is happy.

I mean, this is, uh...

This is, this is Mary Anne.

And Mary Anne, this is Honey.

It's nice to meet you, Honey.

It's very nice to meet you, too.

I love your hair.

I can never get mine to do that.

Mary Anne, would you like to join us?

Okay, but, but I'm here with my date.

Oh, you... You are? Well, that's great.

Yeah, I think you'd really like him.

Well, sure. Well, he can join us, too.

Where is he?

Oh, there he is.

Yoo-hoo, over here.

Everyone, this is Nico.

He's pretty special.

Oh, go on with you.

I'm happy to make your acquaintance.

What did he just say?

He said he's happy to make your acquaintance.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Larry, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

But maybe two people who look exactly like us

will come in and explain it to us.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Mary Anne and Balki are dating

I can't believe it!

Well, I can't believe there's no cheesecake.

Larry! All right, all right, all right, look.

We'll just go back to the table

sit down, drop a few subtle hints

and get them to see what's going on.

So, anyway, to this day

the moose doesn't know

what happened to his shower cap!

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH SIGHING)

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

Oh, but I love your accent, Nico.

Are you from Mypos, too?

No, I'm from Greece.

Why does everyone think I'm from Mypos?

With that nose?

Uh, Nico, your, your vest is very beautiful.

I know I've seen one very similar to it before.

Mary Anne, does this vest look familiar to you?

You know, you're right!

I don't believe I didn't see this sooner!

We used to have a couch

made out of that same material.

Balki? Mmm-hmm.

Would you like some pepper?

Pepper! Oh, Balki never uses pepper.

It makes his feet itch.

You remembered.

Is it just me...

...or is there an amazing similarity

between the four of you?

Well, of course there is. Don't be ridiculous!

Finally!

We all ordered rice.

Okay, Balki. Mmm?

Come with me to the dessert cart.

No, cousin, I've got a knife full of peas here

and they're all just nice and tepid and room temperature.

Really nice.

Cousin, cousin!

You're embarrassing me!

Don't you see what's going on here?

You mean about Mary Anne? Yes!

I can't believe you brought that up.

I thought I was the only one that saw it.

Nico is all wrong for her.

I mean, the, the... He's just...

He's got a silly accent...

He smells of goat cheese, and those clothes!

Those clothes! Stop it! Take him shopping!

Plus he's got the attention span of a child.

Oh, they're balancing spoons on their noses.

I want in on this.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Wrong seat! Wrong seat! Um...

Can I... Would it be all right if I, if I... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to-- You know, that's all right.

No, go ahead. Thank you very much, cousin.

(CHATTERING)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Balki, would you come down here, please?

We have to talk!

You know, I was sure they would catch on last night

when people in the restaurant kept on coming up

and asking them if they were the Doublemint Twins.

Well, they didn't catch on, Larry,

and that's why it's up to you and me to just

point them in the right direction.

Is this gonna take long? Because I have plans.

Uh, Honey and I are going to the museum today.

This is the day they wax the floors.

It's perfect for skating in your socks.

Balki, have a seat.

Uh, Jennifer and I wanted to ask you about something.

Uh, how do you feel about Honey?

I adore honey on a muffin.

In tea, I have to go with granulated sugar.

I mean Honey, the girl.

Honey Lebowitz!

Innocent.

So, you like her?

Oh, no one compares to Mary Anne.

A-ha! What did you just say?

(STAMMERING) She just said, "So, you like her?"

And I said, "No one compares to Honey."

No, you said Mary Anne, not Honey.

You said, "No one compares to Mary Anne."

No, I didn't.

I heard it, too.

What? What is it with you two? I know my own voice.

Hello?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, Mary Anne! Look, everyone, it's Mary Anne!

How are you?

Is this gonna take long?

They wax the floors at the museum today.

Before you say anything to these two,

I just want you to know

the lights are on

but they don't own homes.

If you get what I mean, okay.

Mary Anne, I'm glad you're here.

Jennifer and I thought that, uh, we should all

get together and, uh, chat.

You know, about, uh, current events, the weather...

Displacement of true feelings for one person onto another

having similar, almost identical characteristics.

You know...

Stuff!

Need I say more?

(WHISTLING)

Mary Anne, have you noticed

that you and Balki are dating

people who look exactly like you?

Our mistake, our mistake.

It's just that, you know, after meeting Nico and Honey...

(CHUCKLING) It seems that both of you are attracted

to people who seem to resemble one another.

And don't you find that odd?

When you say, "Odd..."

Do you mean "odd" funny

or "odd" weird?

Weird.

When you say, "attracted"

do you mean "attracted" allured

or "attracted" a force acting between particles of matter

tending to draw them together and resisting their separation?

Allured.

BOTH: What was the question?

Oh, God!

Conference. Okay, all right.

Okay, all right, uh, you know something?

We'll be right back.

Well, I'm sure glad you met someone that you like.

I did? Who?

Nico. Oh, Nico, right.

Yeah.

And you and Honey make a lovely couple.

Oh, thank you, thank you very much.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you wanna laugh?

(LAUGHING)

Can you believe that at one time

you and I were thinking of getting married?

(LAUGHING)

Does it ever! Oh...

(BOTH SIGHING)

Well, we've gone with the subtle approach

and the not-so-subtle approach.

Do you have any other ideas?

We could wrap them together with duct tape

until they come to their senses.

Larry, I'm serious.

We have to go back in there,

and force them to get back together again.

If that doesn't work we'll go with the duct tape.

Okay, you two. Listen up.

You... Oh!

Well, I guess they did get it on their own.

Well, now this, I like!

Now this is a good first step.

You know, take it slow.

Spend some time together.

And who knows?

You might even have a future together.

Mary Anne and I are getting married.

(MUSIC PLAYS)