Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

LARRY: Balki, you've been moping around

ever since Mary Anne moved out. Come on.

(GROANS)

Okay, Balki. Balki, come on.

Come on. Hello.

Hi, hi. Come on.

Get up. Get up. Here we go.

Balki, we have to talk.

No, no, cousin, I don't...

I...

I don't wanna talk, there's a...

There's a Woody Woodpecker marathon that's gonna be on.

I can use a good laugh.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING WEAKLY)

All right, now, Balki.

Balki, we have to talk now. Oh, no.

For the past two weeks all you've done is

mope around the house and watch TV.

What, you think I'm turning into a couch tomato?

(SIGHS) All right, Balki, you can't keep sitting around the house depressed.

For your infomercial, I am not depressed.

I'm just sad, okay?

And I've come to terms with that.

There's nothing wrong with being sad.

Mary Anne is gone.

Balki, you've got to get on with your life.

You've gotta get out there and meet new people.

I don't wanna meet new people. I'm okay.

(BALKI GROANS)

All right, look at this.

That's a very nice frame, cousin.

Why is there a picture of a dead man in it?

That's not a picture of a dead man, that's your reflection.

We gotta get out and meet people, come on.

All right, all right. Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, you gotta get out there.

You gotta get out there and meet some new people.

But, first, you gotta get dressed.

(SNIFFS)

And maybe a bath.

Cousin...

I thought you said you were taking me to a watering hole.

That's right.

Well, where are the caribou?

They'll be here later.

All right, now, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna give you a little orientation.

then you are on your own.

Thank you, cousin.

Thank you. What would I do without you?

Well, I haven't been in a singles bar

for a long, long time.

But I guess the rules haven't changed.

Now...

Just remember, it's a numbers game.

Hello, my name is...

There are plenty of opportunities out there...

But you're gonna have to talk to four or five girls

before you get one to talk back to you.

Hello. I'm Balki.

Hi, I'm Amy.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

And if you are lucky enough to get one to talk to you...

Don't take it personally.

I'm gonna scout around.

You're kind of cute.

Oh. (BOTH GIGGLE)

Go on, you.

Oh, go on with you.

No, really. Oh, go on...

(EXCLAIMS)

My fault. Oh.

Okay.

Cousin, cousin, this is Amy.

She's a girl that I can talk to.

Amy, this is my cousin, Larry.

Hi.

Nice to meet you, Amy.

Well, uh...

I guess, uh, my job here is done.

Balki.

Balki?

(AMY GIGGLES)

See you back at home.

Bye.

Cousin Larry come up with the idea of taking me here.

I was gonna stay home and, uh...

You know, just, watch the Woody Woodpecker marathon.

I love Woody Woodpecker.

Get out of the city!

No, I love him.

Amy, do you want to come home with me?

I could make some hot chocolate

Oh...

That is so refreshing.

No, I meant, it's sweet.

Balki, you may not believe this

but you're the first man to offer me hot chocolate

and a cartoon marathon.

It would be, but I came with my friend, Beth,

and I can't leave without her. BALKI: Oh, do you...

Do you think she would like to come with us?

Probably. I think she'd be happy to leave this place.

She doesn't really like it here.

just wait till the caribou get here.

(LAUGHS)

Oh. My fault.

Okay, here we are.

Here we are.

Here we are.

I don't feel very well.

Well, that, uh, didn't affect your singing any.

We... We very much enjoyed your rendition of

Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall.

I think I should lay down for a while.

All righty. Well, look, I got an idea.

Why don't we take you... Whoo!

Take you right over here.

Take you right over here. And you know what?

You can go lay down upstairs...

If you go up the stairs and turn to the right

there's a... There's a bedroom you can use.

(BETH SIGHS)

Oh!

(BETH FALLS)

Well, are you ready for the wild and wacky,

wonderful world of Woody Woodpecker?

Ready!

Hi, Balki.

Oh!

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had a guest.

Cousin, this is my friend, Amy.

Yes, we've met.

Well...

Uh, I'll just, uh, leave you two alone.

Goodnight.

(IMITATING WOODY WOODPECKER) Guess who?

Oh! Oh!

If things go really well...

Later on, after the Woody Woodpecker marathon...

Uh-huh?

I've been told I have the nose for it.

Balki, come with me. Cousin, cousin, not now.

Please! Girl on the couch!

Girl on the couch! Excuse us.

(IMITATES WOODY WOODPECKER) Ow!

Balki, there is a woman in my bed!

LARRY: Balki, why is there a woman in my bed?

That must be Amy's friend, Beth.

She wasn't feeling very well, so I told her that

she could go upstairs and sleep

in the room right on the right.

No one's... No one's using that room.

She must have gone into the wrong room.

I'll just go move her right now.

Hang on. No, no, no.

No, there's no hurry. We'll move her later.

I mean, Jennifer's on a flight and...

You've got better things to do.

Huh? Oh...

(CHUCKLES)

Huh? Ah!

(LAUGHS)

Aah!

(LAUGHS)

You're gonna watch Woody Woodpecker, aren't you?

You know me so well.

(SIGHS)

Hi, Larry.

Ooh! Ah! Jennifer!

Hi! Hi!

Well, my flight to New York was three hours late.

When I got there, the connecting flight to London was canceled,

so I had to wait around the airport for six hours

before I could catch another flight home.

All I want to do is go to bed

and forget this day ever happened.

No!

What do you mean, "No"?

No... Lunch?

No dinner?

You know, you... You should have

a nice cup of hot chocolate.

I'll give you the last little bit here.

Here. Here. Huh?

And this will help you relax.

Well, yeah, I guess a little hot chocolate

would help me relax.

I'll just go in the other room,

He's gonna be so surprised.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

BOTH: Oh.

Balki, I have to talk to you.

Now! Cousin, no...

Jennifer came home early.

You have to get rid of the girl.

Why should I get rid of the girl?

Because my marriage is at stake.

But I don't wanna get... (SNARLS)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING ON TV)

Oh, no can do, Jen.

No, to get to the bedroom you have to

walk through the living room.

I know that, Larry.

I've pretty much memorized the route.

No, you don't understand. (CHUCKLING)

Balki met a girl.

That was fast. I thought it would take you about

three days just to get him out of his pajamas.

Yeah, he's entertaining her in the living room, right now.

Yes, so, that's why we can't interrupt 'em.

Yeah, they're watching a cartoon marathon,

and, uh, then Balki's gonna teach her how to make

uh, shadow animals. (CHUCKLES)

So, where did he meet her?

In a singles bar.

At least that's what he told me.

You know...

I'm a... I'm a married man.

(CHUCKLES) Happily married.

Happiest.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

So, how's it going with your friend?

Well, Jennifer, she's just unlike anyone

I've ever met before. She's such a Woody Woodpecker fan.

There was a certain magic in the room, until she had to leave.

Oh, well, I guess I can go to bed now.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Why did Amy leave?

You told me to get rid of the girl.

Where's the girl in my bed?

Probably still in your bed.

(GASPS)

Jen, wait! What?

(SNIFFS) Oh, boy, that hot chocolate smells good.

Would you mind making me a cup?

Larry, I'm tired. I just wanna go to bed.

Well, I... Cousin, I'll make you a cup of hot chocolate.

Jennifer, run along.

Is it so much to ask that my wife

make me a cup of hot chocolate?

Well, it is a little unreasonable.

I am not talking to you!

Just go upstairs! Go upstairs!

(SNARLING) Go upstairs!

He forgot to clean his room.

Larry, it's late.

Oh, it's late!

Oh, it's late!

Excuse me. You know, I seem to remember a night last week

when it was very late and you insisted

that I go across town, in a driving rainstorm,

because you had a craving

for Mr. Woo's Kung Pao chicken.

And did I say, "Jennifer, it's late"?

All right, fine, Larry. I'll make your hot chocolate.

Thank you. Thank you.

And don't forget the little marshmallows.

It's just not hot chocolate without the little marshmallows.

Cousin, I was right. Beth is still in your bed.

She's got a little bit of drool running down her chin.

All right, let's go!

Get upstairs! Get upstairs! Get up there now.

(SNARLING)

Beth. Beth.

Beth, wake up.

Time to rise and shine.

Forty-five bottles of beer on the wall

Forty-five bottles...

(EXCLAIMING) Beth, Beth...

Cousin, cousin, cousin, don't do that.

She's gonna lose count.

All right, Balki, we'll get her on her feet.

We'll walk her around and she'll wake up.

Balki, she's wearing my pajamas.

You know what? They look kind of good on her.

She fills them out a little more.

All right, let's get her up.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Come on, now. Here we go.

Come on. Come on.

Here we go. Here we go.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Put her feet down. Here, lift her up.

(GRUNTS)

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

All right, come on.

Let's just get her to the door. Get her to the door.

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

Come on, come on.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

LARRY: All right, all right, now, get the door.

Get the door. Get the door. Yeah. Okay.

JENNIFER: Larry, do you have to have the marshmallows?

I can't find them anywhere.

Uh, yes! Yes, I have to have the marshmallows!

I'll be right down to help you look for them.

Here, take her. Take her.

Just find her clothes and hide her.

If Jennifer sees her here, my marriage is over!

(PANTING)

Larry, your hot chocolate is in the kitchen.

If you want marshmallows, go buy them yourself.

I'm going to bed.

Jen!

You're angry, aren't you?

Larry, I have every right to be angry.

All right, well, maybe I am a little tense.

But there's a good reason for it.

I've been under a lot of pressure lately.

But the good thing is we're talking about it.

And I think that communication is the basis of...

Of a good marriage.

Don't you agree? Okay, Larry.

It's late and I'm exhausted,

but if it's that important to you,

we'll talk.

Not now, you're tired.

Let's turn in.

Oh, I'm glad this day is over.

(LARRY CHUCKLES)

Well, you'll never know how much I agree with you.

Cousin, cousin, I hid all of Beth's clothes. Good.

No, not good. I could only find one shoe, I...

The other one is here somewhere.

Oh, my Lord!

All right, we've gotta find that shoe before Jennifer does.

Got it.

Balki, the friendly ghost

The friendliest ghost you know

(HUMMING)

Stop it! Mmm...

I always say hello...

Get out! All right.

Balki, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

Well, isn't that the universal question?

I mean, what are any of us doing here?

I'm going to go take a shower.

Balki, we did it. Where'd you hide Beth?

Well, we gotta talk about that.

See, um...

I didn't have much time

and my options were few.

What does that mean?

Why is there a woman in our bathtub?

You're kidding, Amy?

You like The Three Stooges, too?

I'd love to go to their film festival!

Yeah, I'll pick you up at 7:00 p.m.

Okay. Hey, Amy, Amy.

Put your face up to the phone.

Good morning. Hi, cousin.

Everything all right between you and Jennifer?

Well, of course it is. I'm her husband.

I explained things to her and she accepted it.

Boy, I wish I had your ability to handle women.

Well, you don't.

Oh, and, uh, since you're gonna be dating again,

we've got to establish a few ground rules, all right?

Number one, the next time you go out to meet women...

Number two, if you're gonna bring home

more than one woman at a time,

call me first,

so that I and my pajamas

can spend the night at a hotel.

Oh, and number three...

there's no such thing as too many flowers.

Thank you.

Oh, uh...

Let me know when the man from the jewelry store gets here.