Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

LARRY: We're almost there, Balki.

BALKI: More to the point, the city that's the home of

Wayne Newton.

The luggage should be up in a minute.

When Balki won this "All expense paid" trip to Las Vegas

did the "All expenses paid" include, uh,

tips for the bellman?

Anybody got change for a dollar?

Hi, Balki.

If anybody needs me, I...

I'll be in my room until we go home.

Oh, Balki... What's the matter?

The person on line in front of me

got the last two tickets to Wayne Newton's show.

(SOBBING)

without going to the Wayne Newton Show.

Fun without Wayne?

Fun without Wayne?

Cousin, there can be no fun...

Without...

Wayne.

Well, I think I know a way we might get tickets.

Really?

And he said, any time I'm here

Oh, you mean Clint?

An old boyfriend of Jennifer's

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Cousin.

Where do you keep him?

What, what are we talking about?

Oh! What was I thinking?

Well, what do you know?

We're talking about tickets!

Oh, I can get us tickets.

You can? Oh, sure, sure.

I'm a reporter with a major metropolitan newspaper.

All I have to do is pick up the phone

Larry, are you sure you're not doing this

because you're jealous of Clint?

Clint who? Clint...

The man who knows that you have a troll.

Cousin, where do you keep him?

Forget Clint.

What does he look like?

What do you feed him?

Troll chow.

Yeah, hello, uh, this is Larry Appleton.

I'm a reporter with the Chicago Chronicle.

Yeah, I'm considering doing a profile piece on Wayne Newton.

Uh, I think it would be a big boost for Wayne's career.

So, if you could leave, uh,

four tickets at the front desk,

uh, well I could pick them up, uh... Now.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-uh.

Well, I... Yes, yes, but I--

No, no, no, no, see--

You don't understand.

I really need the tickets.

If I don't get these tickets

my wife is gonna leave me for some tall guy named Clint!

Hello? Hello?

Cousin, cousin, come on!

We're waiting for you down in the lobby.

We want to get to the Liberace Museum early.

You know, uh, Balki...

Uh, I've been thinking about this, uh, Wayne Newton thing.

And I think you're expectations

of Wayne are, are too big.

skip the show and go out to Hoover Dam?

I hear it's beautiful at night.

You're hiding something from me, aren't you?

No, no, I'm not!

Your nostrils are flaring.

No, they're not.

You're eyes are twitching. No, they're not.

(FEET TAPPING)

Your foot is tapping. No, it's not.

No, I'm not.

Cousin, you couldn't get the tickets, could you?

Well, it depends on what you mean by "Couldn't."

(SOBBING)

Hurry up, Larry, they turn off Liberace's cufflink fountain

a half hour before closing.

Balki, what's wrong?

You couldn't get the tickets, could you?

I better call Clint.

Yes, please, call Clint. Oh, no, no, no.

Please, call Clint.

(CHUCKLING) Come on, come on!

In fact, they wanted to give me more than I asked for.

Cousin, are you sure? Well, of course, I'm sure.

Would I lie? ALL: Yes.

All right, yes, I would.

(SOBBING)

But this time, I didn't.

Really? Really? Yes! Yes!

All right, now, now, what do you say the three of you

just go down, just grab a cab

and I'll just, I'll get changed and meet you out front?

Be careful walking through the lobby, Larry.

The bellmen hate you.

Mary Anne,

come on, I want to show you to my special lucky machine.

I win every time!

You don't even have to put in coins.

You just put in your credit card and it pays you money.

(GASPS)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah... Yes, hello, this is Larry Appleton again.

Uh, did you change your mind, uh, about those tickets?

Okay, all right, all right.

but you've... You've left me no choice.

You see, the tickets are for my cousin.

(STAMMERING) And, well, he's going deaf.

And, uh, his only wish

was to hear Wayne Newton sing in person

before he lost his hearing.

(SOBBING) And, I brought him to Las Vegas to...

To fulfill a lifelong dream.

(SOBBING)

Now, is that asking for so much?

Four will be great, thank you. I'll be right down.

Hey, hey!

With his teeth, baby

Scarlet billows start to spread

Fancy gloves, oh, wears old MacHeath, babe

So there's never, never a trace of red

Now on the sidewalk, huh, huh

Down by the river, don't you know?

Lies a body

Oozin' life, eek

Someone's sneakin'

Around the corner

Could that someone be, oh, Mack the Knife?

It was more wonderful than I dreamed it would be!

Cousin, I clapped so hard,

I think I dislocated my palms.

Well, I gotta admit, he put on a heck of a show.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, uh, Mr. Appleton? Yes, that's me.

How do you do? I'm Dave Miner.

I'm an assistant to Wayne Newton.

Oh! Oh! Very nice to meet you.

Yes. Uh, this is my cousin.

Balki Bartokomous.

(CHUCKLES)

You, you...

You know Wayne?

Is it, is it the kind of thing where, where he might even say

"Hey, Dave, let's you and me go grab a Grand Slam at Denny's?"

Well, I'm not exactly sure.

Have you, have you ever, have you ever...

Hugged Wayne?

Well, yes, in a, you know, a manly, buddy sort of way.

I just hugged someone who has, who has hugged Wayne?

I hugged someone who has hugged Wayne!

Balki, uh, why don't we let Dave tell us what Wayne wants?

Now, Wayne-- You call him "Wayne?"

Yeah!

to a little reception he's having in his suite right now.

He's, uh, very anxious to meet this special person.

Oh, well, that's, uh, a really a very wonderful offer and, uh,

we'd like you to thank Mr. Newton for us.

Uh, but we can't make it.

What are you talking about?

We'll be there. No, we won't.

What are you talking about? We won't be there?

We're going! Are you out of your mind?

(MUFFLED) Are you--

Would you excuse us for just a moment?

Sure!

Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.

You are not thinking this through.

What are you thinking of?

What are you talking about?

What could possibly possess you

to try to crush the biggest dream of my life?

Balki, you know, you know.

Fine! You do that! I'm gonna worship from a-close!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Let's go!

All right, all right, all right. All right, we'll go.

Great! Follow me.

Ah, oh, Cousin,

I am the happiest Mypiot dead or alive!

Aw!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Cousin, Cousin, look!

This is the couch where Wayne sits!

Cousin, look! Look!

This is the piano where Wayne tinkles on the ivories.

Red roses! Red Roses!

You must be the Blue Lady.

(GRUNTING)

All right, that's it!

You are over-excited.

I saw him. He look at me!

But, I was just a little overwhelmed but I'm fine now.

Oh, you are. I'm fine now, I'm okay.

Ah, gentlemen, Wayne would like to meet you now.

Oh, all right, yeah...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Wayne, these are the gentlemen I told you about.

This is Larry Appleton.

Nice to meet you, Larry. Very nice to meet you.

And this is Balki Bartokomous.

He skipped lunch.

(GRUNTING)

Thank you.

You're such an incredible young man.

Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!

Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!

Wayne, the photographer's ready.

Oh, oh-oh! I'll be right back, Balki.

Honest! I'm coming, I'm coming right back.

Daddy, don't you walk so fast.

Cousin! Cousin! Cousin! Isn't he wonderful?

Isn't he terrific?

Why is he yelling at me?

Uh, why, why is Wayne yelling at you?

Why is Wayne yelling at you? Yeah.

Well, well, well, uh, you know.

Uh, probably, uh, you know, singing

in front of a large orchestra

all those years has, uh, just made him a little

hard of, uh, hearing.

Yeah.

That's it.

Poor man.

Balki, I'm so sorry that we were interrupted here!

I, I have been a fan of yours since

I was knee-high to a yak pup.

And my mother was practically raised on your music!

To me there is no other singer!

Thank you, Balki! It's fans like you that make it all worthwhile!

Oh, go on with you!

No, I'm serious. Oh, go on with you!

Oh, I'm telling you the truth. Oh, come--

Balki, I just want you to know how honored I am

that you chose my show

to be the last show that you hear

before you lose your hearing.

What?

(SPEAKING LOUDER) I want you to know how honored I am

that you chose my show

to be the last show that you hear

before you lose your hearing!

What?

It's going fast.

I'm glad he caught the early show.

You're a very brave young man.

He's blessed to have you. Uh, yes, he is.

What have you done?

I told Wayne you were going deaf.

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Balki...

I wanted to tell you sooner.

(SOBBING)

No, no, Balki.

Balki, you're not going deaf.

What? You're not going deaf.

What? I made it up.

so that I could get tickets to the show.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You, you lied to Wayne?

Is nothing sacred to you?

Balki, you feel great 'cause you got to meet Wayne.

Wayne feels great 'cause he helped you.

There's no harm done.

No harm done?

Cousin, you, you took the, the most

thrilling moment of my life and you tarnished it with a lie.

Could I please have your attention?

Could I please have your attention?

We have someone very special here tonight.

That I would like you all to meet.

It isn't very often in my lifetime

that I've seen this kind of courage.

Would you please give a big round of applause--

Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I can't let you go through with this.

is not what he appears to be.

And, and it's not his fault, it's mine.

I made the whole thing up so he could get tickets to the show.

for someone who, who means a lot to me.

And, I'm, I'm sorry.

You should be ashamed of yourself

for impersonating a war hero.

Escort him out!

All right, not him! Not him!

(STAMMERING) I lied about

Balki's hearing problem.

Oh, though I can't vouch for the old guy.

Balki, I am, I am so sorry.

Can you... Can you ever forgive me?

Yes, Cousin, I can forgive you but I just don't wanna be seen

talking to you right now.

LARRY: Balki, I am so sorry about last night.

I mean, your whole life you've dreamed of meeting Wayne

and, and I ruined it.

No, you didn't ruin it. Cousin, Come on.

It really, I met him. It was wonderful, wonderful.

Hi, guys!

(CHUCKLES)

I'll get him.

He skipped breakfast.

(GRUNTING)

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne Newton is, is standing in the room with me.

I guess you

came up here to throw us out.

Well, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Actually, I was thinking, and it finally dawned on me

that you're the Balki that's been writing me every week

for the last 15 years, aren't you?

Yes! How's Mama?

Oh, she's great! She's great!

Do you remember, I wrote to you and I told you

that she was going back to school?

Yes! Well, she aced her midterms.

And she made the cheerleading squad.

Get out of the city! Yes, it's true!

(LAUGHING)

And you're Cousin Larry, huh?

Well, I must admit that you've lived up to everything

that Balki's written about you.

Well, thank you, Wayne.

May I call you "Wayne?" No.

I understand.

He does get tensed, doesn't he?

Oh, yeah, he's quite, quite tense.

Actually the reason I came here

was to invite you guys back to the show

as my guests tonight.

'Cause I wanna do a very special song for you, Balki.

You want to do a song for me?

Yes.

What song is it?

Oh, please tell me. It's a surprise.

Is it C.C. Rider? You'll hear tonight.

Hungry Years? It's a surprise!

Moon River? Andy Williams.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

(MUMBLING)

Will you please tell me what it is?

Please, I can't wait! I can't stand it!

I'm gonna explode if you don't tell me what it is!

Okay, Danke Schoen.

(GASPING)

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

The ring. The ring. The ring.

You know, I just had the most beautiful dream

that, that you say that you were going to

to sing Danke Schoen for me.

I am.

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh!

Listen, Wayne, I'm sorry about all the...

Lying.

Ah, don't worry about it, Larry.

I was thinking about it

and I was really kind of touched

that you went to all that trouble

to get tickets to the show.

See you later, huh?

Oh, oh!

Oh-oh-oh!

Oh-oh!

Oh!

Wayne, Wayne!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ready? Okay.

Danke Schoen

Darling Danke Schoen

Danke Schoen

Thank you for all the joy and pain

Joy and pain

How you tore you dress What a mess

My heart says Danke Schoen

Danke Schoen Danke Schoen

Auf Wiedersehen Auf Wiedersehen

Worth the sayin'

(LAUGHING)