Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Cousin, there's something I think you should know.

Balki, if you're gonna tell me that the toaster's broken, don't bother.

The toaster's broken?

No wonder why my Pop-Tart never popped up.

Um, I've also got a fork in there. Yes.

Look, uh, Jennifer is knitting something for you

and, um, ordinarily I would never want to spoil the surprise

but I think if you just take a look--

Okay. It's okay, Balki, it's okay.

She's always knitting me sweaters.

Cousin, she's not knitting you a car cover or a sweater.

She's knitting you these.

(STAMMERING) And usually I wouldn't even dream of spoiling a surprise

but I just wanted you to see them.

I wanted you to see them so that when she gives them to you

and you see that they're way too small, you...

You, you won't say...

BOTH: "Oh, my Lord!"

...and hurt her feelings.

Balki, do you have any idea what this means?

Well, of course I do. Don't be ridiculous.

It means Jennifer has grossly misjudged your foot size.

I think they'll stretch if we just...

Dip them in something. Some kind of saline solution or something.

No, Balki, don't you get it?

(SHUDDERING) Jennifer's gonna have a ba...

Jennifer is going to have a sheep?

In the entire history of Mypos, that only happened once.

No, Balki, Jennifer is not gonna have a sheep.

She's gonna have a baby.

A baby what?

A baby Appleton.

Cousin! Cousin!

Oh, my goodness. When did Jennifer tell you?

Well, she hasn't told me yet.

She obviously wants it to be a surprise.

That's why she's knitting booties.

That's why she's knitting booties?

It's what women do to prepare for a baby.

Well, that's... That's kind of odd.

On Mypos, when a woman is expecting a child

all she has to do is dig a deeper well

buy a bigger laundry basket and pre-chew a lot of meat.

They're blue.

That means it's a boy.

I'll just do everything my father did. I'll be my son's pal.

We'll communicate.

And when he builds that little car for the Soap Box Derby,

I'll just tell him that it's not good enough.

And I'll be sure to tell him in front of all his friends.

Oh, God, Balki, who am I kidding?

I'm gonna destroy my son.

Cousin, cousin, cousin, come on.

You'll learn how to be a father.

Look, uh, in the beginning anyway all you have to do

is just let him be a baby, have fun, eat with his hands.

That's just like you.

Everything is fun and games and enjoying life.

Well, that's just not how it works.

And someday you'll have a son of your own

Maybe I will have a son.

Cousin, I'll teach him everything my father taught me.

I'll teach him how to shear a sheep.

I'll teach him how to outrun lava.

Cousin, wouldn't it be great if our little boys

were best buds just like we are?

Sweet dreams, little Larry.

and after dinner I'll teach you how to balance a checkbook.

Snoozi snoozi, Baby Balki.

Sleep on your face and drool.

After your nap, we'll take you to Disneyland. Oh!

Now, why would you promise them that?

We have no intention of taking them to Disneyland.

I know, I'm just hoping you'll take me.

"Balance a checkbook." That's why I love my dad.

He's practical. That's a skill I can use.

What can you learn going to Disneyland?

That it's... It's a small world after all?

And how to have fun?

You know, that's just your problem.

You think, uh, the world is about fun and games.

Well, that's just not how it works.

Wow!

That was more fun than bouncing that golf ball off your head.

I want to play with my Bookie cat!

(GRUNTING)

I want... I want my Book... I want my Bookie cat.

I want to play with Bookie cat.

No, I want my Bookie.

I want... I want to play.

(CRYING)

I want to play with... Bookie cat's mine.

I want to play with Bookie. Ow!

BOTH: Ow!

Okay, fine! You play with Bookie cat.

But if you do, his collar bell will ring

and then our dads will know that we're not taking a nap

and we'll be sent to an orphanage.

An orphanage?

I don't want to sleep on thumbtacks.

I don't... I don't want to sleep on thumbtacks.

I... I don't want to play with Bookie cat.

I don't want to play with Bookie cat.

I don't want to play with Bookie cat.

Please! Please!

Don't make me play with Bookie cat! (CRYING)

Okay. Okay.

I'll play with Bookie cat. Okay.

(MEWING)

Let's get out of this crib and have some real fun.

But cousin, where... Where are you going?

(IMITATING BABY BALKI) There's all these toys in the crib

that we haven't played with.

Ow!

You know something? You get on my nerves.

I have two thumbs!

Mmm. Mmm. Dessert!

Stop acting like a baby.

I am not a baby.

I'm just a terrible two.

I wish I was three.

They say life begins at three.

(GRUNTING)

I'm out of the crib!

I'm out of the crib!

Boy, oh, boy

it sure is fun being out of the crib!

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

I want to be out of the crib.

You can't be out of the crib.

(GRUNTING)

Where... Where's the rocker?

It's over here. (CHUCKLES)

Where's the rocker? Over here. (CHUCKLES)

Come on, jump! I'll catch you.

Uh, uh, please, I wasn't born yesterday.

Come on, I'm your cousin. Trust me, I'll catch you.

No. Come on! Come on.

Come on, come on. Here we go.

Ready? Ready? Okay.

One, two, three!

Oh!

Let that be a lesson to you.

Never trust anyone over two.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

No, no! Don't, don't cry, or our fathers will hear us.

Hey, hey, you know, if you don't stop crying,

Mr. Cuddly Bunny's gonna beat the living daylights outta ya!

(CONTINUES CRYING)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

Ow! Oh!

(BOTH CRYING LOUDLY)

I'm bored. Yeah, me, too.

I wish I lived on a ranch.

I wish I had a plane and could go all over the world.

I wish I could get my foot in my mouth.

That way, I'd always know where my shoes are.

(GRUNTING)

You know... (CONTINUES GRUNTING)

Now that's your trouble.

You think small.

I am small.

Although, genetically, I... I have a good chance of being taller than you.

(BOTH CRYING LOUDLY)

What I mean is...

You are perfectly content to nap your life away

while there's other kids outside having fun.

I'm going outside to the backyard

Well, I want to come with you but...

But the swings are way out there and we're stuck in here.

How will we get out there?

A plan.

Okay, Balki.

You hold the blocks steady

and I'll climb up to the window sill.

Hello, Mr. Bear.

(STAMMERS) Do you want to play in the backyard?

(STAMMERS) Balki? Are you holding the blocks steady? (GRUNTING)

Just a minute, cousin, I'm talking to Mr. Bear.

You, you're what? You're talking to Mr. Bear?

Oh!

Nose, nose.

Eyes, eyes.

Ear...

(GASPS) Ear.

What did I ask you to do?

Hold the blocks. What did you do?

Talked to Mr. Bear. What happened?

Cousin Larry fall down, go boom.

What should you say to me?

Do it again.

(GASPS AND EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

You know, I just never get used to that thing.

Will you concentrate for a minute?

We have to find a way out the window.

Let's play Patty Cake.

Well, I can't say I blame you.

And, and who is this Baker's man?

Why does he have to make me a cake as fast as he can?

Where's the quality in that?

And when he-- The seesaw.

Perfect!

Oh, cousin...

How, how does it work? (GRUNTING)

All the fun's on your side.

Stand up.

I don't see-- No, don't, don't, don't!

Oh!

(CRYING)

Mmm...

We are not going to play on the seesaw.

You are gonna sit on that end

I am gonna climb up on the blocks

land on the window sill and you can climb out.

Uh-oh.

You don't like the plan.

I see it all over your face. You don't like the plan.

(STAMMERS) Well, it's just that I'm still recovering

from that jack-in-the-box thing. I mean...

A disembodied head and a pair of arms

and, uh, just a spring for a body?

How does it digest its food?

(STAMMERS) And then this. I don't know... Flying through the air?

I might have done that before

but now that I know I have two thumbs

I've got too much to live for.

All right. All right. We'll just have to think of something else.

We can take the crib and push it over to the window and climb up on that.

Nah, that'll never work.

I've got it!

You know, when you say it, it don't sound like such a good idea.

Oh, really? Oh, really... Let me ask you something.

How many nurseries have you escaped from?

How many nurseries... Cousin, cousin, cousin--

You know, this argument is a lot like diaper rash.

I've had it before and I know I'm gonna have it again.

Come on, just pull on the crib.

Here we go. On three.

Ready? One, two, three!

(GRUNTS) All right, one more time. On three. Here we go.

Ready? One, two, three.

(GRUNTING)

All right, here we go. One more time, on three.

Ready? One, two, three.

Pull!

Ow!

(BOTH CRYING LOUDLY)

Cousin, you know, I was thinking--

No, I do the thinking. If... Cousin...

I do the thinking.

I, I, I. Me! Me! Me!

You know, it's babies like you that give us two-year-olds a bad name.

All right, one more time, on three.

This time we push.

Ready? One, two, three...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You know, Balki,

we're lucky to have such quiet well-behaved children.

Yeah, right.

Are you sure we can't go to Disneyland?

No. Oh.

(CLATTERING)

BOTH: Hi.

Oh, God.

I'm not ready to have a child.

I overfed him and he died.

Winston's dead?

Hi, guys.

(GASPING)

Don't worry, Jennifer, Cousin Larry will be okay once the baby arrives.

Baby? How did Larry know my Cousin Lucille is having a baby?

Your Cousin Lucille is having a baby?

You're not having a baby?

No. No!

Wonder who she's planning on telling first.

Larry...

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

(STAMMERS) Well, maybe a little.

When the time comes,

I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about fatherhood.

Oh, Larry, you'll make a wonderful father.

But aren't you forgetting one very important step towards becoming a father?

(EXCLAIMING)

Mmm... Mmm, mmm. (EXCLAIMING)

(SHATTERS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)