Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(LAUGHING) Cousin, I'm sorry.

I-I don't mean to laugh at you

We've gone for a nice Chinese lunch at Wong-Su's

and you make a fool of yourself

in front of Wong and his lovely wife, Su.

Why? All because of the fortune in the fortune cookie.

Don't you know them things can apply to anyone?

Oh, really? Oh, really?

"You will be coming into money soon

"but if you're Larry Appleton

Appleton, Bartokomus, I want to talk to you.

The theme of next Sunday's magazine section is children

and I want a new Dimitri cartoon for the cover.

Dimitri is going to be a cover sheep?

You know, his dream is to be named

People magazine's Sexiest Lamb Alive.

Well, I have to meet with the lawyers.

You remember Rob Bob Phillips, who used to work up here?

He's suing the paper because we fired him.

Appleton...

If I ever fire you,

don't make a federal case out of it.

You can count on me, sir.

And have the cover cartoon

on my desk Monday morning.

Now, Balki, Mr. Wainwright says

we have to have the cartoon on his desk by Monday morning.

So maybe you should just skip

"Skip my warm up routine?" Skip your warm up routine.

"Skip my warm up routine?"

Okay, do your warm up. Okay.

Five finger push-ups. Hmm.

One, two, three...

Come on, push, push, push, push! Push, push, push, push, push!

You've got one more in you! Dig deep! Dig deep!

Argh! Yeah, okay. All right, all right.

Good, good, okay, here we go.

Let's get right to drawing.

And now, I have to spell my name in the air with my nose.

B-A-...

L-K-I.

Wow!

Okay, all right. Yeah!

Ready? Yeah!

Let's get right to drawing.

Okay, Dimitri, let's...

Where's Dimitri?

I don't know, we'll look for him later.

Cousin, cousin, you know I cannot draw Dimitri

unless I have him right in front of me.

(STAMMERS) I have to connect with him.

And I don't know where he is.

He's usually right here on the corner of my desk

right where this note is.

"Balki.

"I have the sheep.

"Do exactly as I tell you

"or... Or you'll never

"see him again, I'll be in touch."

You know, I-I can't help noticing

what the tremendous amount of work

went into the writing of this note.

Obviously, the person who sent it

cares enough to send the very best.

I wonder where Dimitri is.

Balki...

Dimitri has been kidnapped!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

I put "Missing Sheep" posters all over the neighborhood.

Did the kidnapper call yet? No, he hasn't, Balki.

Oh, cousin, I-I don't know what else I can do, I...

I-I dusted my drawing table for fingerprints.

I, I faxed Dimitri's picture to Unsolved Mysteries.

I-I just thought and thought, I don't know

what else I could do.

What kind of a person could do this?

I-I am emotionally drained. Yeah, well.

Of course you are.

I will not cry.

Balki, you know, maybe, maybe you should do something

uh, that would take your mind off Dimitri.

Oh, cousin, that would be so good.

Well, of course, it would be. Oh, gosh.

But what could you do?

What could I do?

I've got it! You could draw!

What could I do?

I said I've got it.

You could draw.

I could draw!

You could draw!

Yes. Yes, but what could you draw?

What could I draw? What could you draw?

I've got it, you could draw a nice fluffy white cloud.

What could I draw?

I said I've got it!

You could draw

a nice fluffy white cloud.

I could draw a nice fluffy white cloud.

Nice fluffy white cloud. No, I don't dare.

Oh, no, no, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Oh, good. Good. Okay. Oh.

And I feel so much better. Okay.

Okay, give him some eyes, maybe.

You know, just some eyes. A little nose.

Little nose. And maybe a tail over here.

But, but, but the mouth? Okay.

There. Oh, yes.

That's so very, very good.

Yes, you know what's really nice about it?

You're trying to trick me into drawing Dimitri, aren't you?

You take that, that is low, cousin

that's low, even for you.

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

Hi, guys. I got the mail.

Oh, maybe there's something from the kidnapper.

Balki, we are running out of time.

We have got to have that cartoon

on Mr. Wainwright's desk by Monday morning.

What is this?

It's Dimitri's ear.

Balki, that's a fabric swatch I ordered.

I'm getting new drapes for our bedroom.

What's this?

No.

That was just a series of five.

MAN: As you can see, I still have your sheep.

I want $10,000

or I'll turn him into 10,000 Q-tips.

You catch my drift?

I'll contact you within 24 hours.

Hi, Balki. Hello.

What's all this stuff? Hi, Mary Anne.

The, uh, kidnapper called.

He wants $10,000 ransom for Dimitri

and he said he's, he said he's calling today

so I'm just rounding up some things to sell

to get the ransom money.

(GASPS) Balki!

This is my hair dryer!

Well, I-I-I know that's your hair dryer

but I was hoping that you would donate it

to Dimitri's ransom fund.

Um, unless it's a priceless family heirloom

lovingly handed down from mother to daughter

every generation, for years back

since your family first come to this country

and therefore much, much more

important than Dimitri's life.

How could I be so heartless?

Keep the dryer.

I'll get you my facial sauna.

Balki!

Incredible news!

You'll never guess what I found in the trash dumpster

outside behind the Chronicle. What are you doing?

Get... Stop it!

Balki.

I found Dimitri.

Oh! Cousin!

Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy.

(HUMMING)

Good idea. Good idea. Good idea. Good idea.

But first, first we draw, then we dance.

Cousin, cousin, why can't I hold Dimitri?

Oh, well, Balki, uh, Dimitri's been through

a traumatic experience

But, but, cousin, I, but the thing is, I-I

yesterday he wanted $10,000 for Dimitri

and, and why he did change his mind?

Well, uh, maybe somebody saw him with Dimitri

and, and, and so he had to get rid of the evidence,

but the important thing is, Dimitri is here

and now we can get that cartoon

to Mr. Wainwright by Monday morning.

Okay, now, here we go.

Do your warm up. Five finger push-ups.

Five finger push-ups, ready? Cousin, cousin, cousin...

One, two, three, four, five.

Okay, good, good, good.

Okay, here we go. Argh!

We're going to write your name

in the air with your nose, okay?

B! Ow! Ow!

A! Ow! Ow!

L! K! Cousin!

Cousin! Cousin!

I always write my name with capitals.

You using lowercase.

Sorry. No, that's all right.

Okay, here we go. Ow!

B! Ow!

A! Ow! Ow! Argh!

L! Ow! Cous...

K! Cousin! Ow!

I! Ow!

Why does it have to hurt so much?

Just be glad you don't have a longer name.

Okay, here we go!

All right, we're going to... Ah-ha!

You wait just a cotton candy minute.

Dimitri was made of pure wool

and this little imitation is made of some synthetic fiber.

Uh, uh, uh...

This is not Dimitri.

Now, Balki, Balki, of course it's Dimitri.

I-if it wasn't Dimitri, how do you explain that

that when I walked by the dumpster

he was, he was calling my name.

Get a grip.

This is a stuffed sheep.

(PANTING) But, but if you don't draw Dimitri,

Mr. Wainwright is going to fire us.

Cousin, look, I-I, I don't know how to say this.

I cannot draw Dimitri

unless I have Dimitri in front of me.

It's like, you cannot take a pill

unless Jennifer hides it in applesauce.

I... I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay.

(SIGHS) If you can't draw Dimitri

unless Dimitri's here,

we'll just have to get Dimitri back.

But, cousin, we cannot afford the ransom.

Balki, forget the ransom.

We are gonna catch the kidnapper.

Now, what we have to do is to get him to meet us

in a place where we have the advantage.

I've got it, cousin. The jungle gym down at the park.

I know that thing inside out.

It'll never work.

How about the market?

What advantage will we have there?

None, but we need milk.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello!

Yes, this is Balki Bartokomous.

Cousin, it's the man who has Dimitri.

Listen, listen, (STAMMERING) he likes

to be scratched behind the ears

and he has lived...

but I've been under tremendous emotional strain!

Please indulge me!

Balki, if we're going to get Dimitri back,

we're gonna have to get tough.

All right, listen, pally!

Listen and listen up good.

in some dark dangerous alley!

No! Shut up! Don't talk!

We'll meet you tonight at midnight

in the, in the the basement of the Chronicle.

And bring the sheep!

And that goes double for me, pally!

(INTENSE MUSIC)

Balki, help me spread out these marbles.

Uh... Cousin, you know, I, I love playing marbles

just as much as anyone else but...

Now it seems kind of an odd time.

I don't know how you play,

but you know what we do on Mypos?

We put all the marbles in our mouth

and then we'll see

who can spit them the farthest.

Balki, we are not playing marbles.

We are setting a trap for the kidnapper.

Well...

Now, when he comes in,

he'll step on the marbles.

It's almost midnight. Hit the lights.

Cousin.

What are you thinking?

I was just thinking

that I'm waiting here in the dark

for someone deranged enough

to kidnap a stuffed sheep.

And therefore, probably

deranged enough to be carrying

one of those automatic assault rifles.

And I'm doing this

so I can fill in a bubble

over a cartoon

to please my boss

who thinks I'm a babbling twit.

Maybe I should re-examine my life.

You want to know what I'm thinking?

No.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

It's the kidnapper.

that's when we jump him.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

Now!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Cousin, it's Miss Lydia.

Boy, you think you know a person.

What are you two doing here?

(GROANING)

Miss Lydia, Miss Lydia,

you, you have kidnapped Dimitri

and you're here to collect the ransom money.

I love you, Miss Lydia, but you have thrown me into

a terrible emotional conflict!

You have done a horrible thing!

But I want you to know

to help you become once again

a useful member of society.

Cousin, get her out of my sight.

I didn't steal your sheep.

I don't even eat lamb.

Balki!

It wasn't Lydia.

It was a man's voice on the phone.

Oh, never mind.

(STAMMERS) I'm sorry, Lydia.

All this Dimitri stuff

has gotten us a little tense.

Oh, shame on you!

False alarm. Come on.

Watch your step. Watch it. Yeah.

You be... Hit the lights.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hey! Balki!

This is it!

Now!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Cousin, it's Mr. Gorpley.

Boy, you think you know a person.

Do you ever think maybe you two

spend too much time together?

Mr. Gorpley, why didn't you come to me?

We could've talked this over. I thought we were friends.

Hey! It's Balki.

Balki, that's not why Gorpley is here.

Lydia's upstairs.

Oh, she is? Oh.

Well, maybe I'll just stop up and say hi.

Hit the lights. Watch out.

Careful. Yeah. You be careful.

Easy, cousin.

How long do you think

I don't know, Balki,

but when this monster shows up

we're gonna be ready for him.

Ah-ha! Ahhh!

Rob Bob!

Rob Bob, how are you?

Cousin Larry, look, this is Rob Bob Phillips.

He used to work here.

Well, get down, Rob Bob,

Uh, Larry, Balki... Balki, hit the lights.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

I'm the kidnapper.

Balki, hit the lights.

I'm sorry to put you through so much.

I know it was hard on you.

Here's Dimitri. Oh, Dimitri, Dimitri.

I took real good care of him.

He really wasn't much trouble.

Listen, uh, Rob Bob, uh,

we haven't been able to raise, uh,

all of the $10,000 ransom, so, in-in a couple of days...

Balki, Balki, we are not giving him any money.

You know...

You short guys really tick me off.

You know that? You sleazy little worm!

I-I-I don't want any money!

Oh, sure, sure, now that you know

you sawed-off little criminal, huh?

H-how tall are you?

Huh? Huh? Cousin. Cousin...

That's enough.

I just want Balki to forgive me.

The reason your Dimitri cartoon

got into the Chronicle

is 'cause the cartoon I draw,

Kangaroo Cowboy, was dropped

from the paper.

I was hurt.

And I wanted to hurt you

so I took Dimitri.

I thought the paper would pay the ransom.

But I felt so awful about what I was doing.

Then I realized

Kangaroo Cowboy would never

do something that despicable.

So I'm giving Dimitri back to you.

I'm sorry, Balki.

I forgive you.

(SIGHS)

Here, Balki.

You know what you are?

You're short. You're so short!

You little worm!

Just a, just a short little worm!

Just, j-just... No, come on! No!

Just let me have one more shot at him.

Hey, hey, hey!

Well, why didn't you tell us all this when you called?

I tried!

You wouldn't let me talk!

I hear that.

It's late. I better get going.

I'm sorry, Balki.

Rob Bob, it's really, it's, it's, it's okay.

And, uh, hey, give Kangaroo Cowboy

a real big buckaroo howdy for me.

BOTH: Howdy!

I'll tell him. Bye.

Bye.

Come on, Balki, let's go up to our office.

If we hurry, we can still get the Dimitri cartoon

on Mr. Wainwright's desk by morning.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

This is why on Mypos

we leave the marble playing to professionals.