Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Cousin! Cousin!

Big news, I've just been given my first official duty

as an American citizen.

I'm going to be serving on the jury.

Well, isn't that nice?

I'm so excited.

Well, Balki, you should be excited.

Jury duty is one of the most important things

an American citizen can do.

And it's vital that, uh, every citizen do their share

in upholding the judicial system.

Well, Cousin, then you'll be thrilled to know

that you're going to be helping me hold it up.

Well, this is a summons for jury duty.

I've got more important things to do than this.

Well, wait a minute.

Well, I don't like to blow my own horn, but, uh...

Toot-toot.

You see, uh, I've been going down to the courthouse every day

and begging Dave the courthouse clerk

to put our names at the top of the jury duty list.

He can't do that. Well, that's what he said.

But after I went down on my lunch hour

and my coffee break each and every day for a few weeks

Dave and I became best buds.

And finally he said to me, and I quote,

"Listen to me, you swarthy little twit."

That, that's his little nickname for me.

He said, "Okay, I'll do it.

"But you have to promise to never ever come to see me again."

See, he didn't want others to know

that he did me a special favor.

So, uh, does it help to know the right people or what?

Oh, go on with you.

You're not lucky, Cousin. You deserve me.

Oh. You know what? I got to go.

I got to go decide what I'm going to wear.

I need something that says

impartial yet firmly on the side of justice.

I'm thinking paisley.

Good news, Larry.

I just got back from the travel agent.

I got such a great deal on our trip to Bermuda

they're practically paying us to go.

Well, Jen, that's great!

Just you and me.

No Mary Anne. No Balki.

Oh, yeah.

No Balki.

Sunning by the pool. Breakfast in bed.

No Balki.

So, when do we leave?

The 17th.

Oh, perfect. Oh, no! Wait a minute.

Oh, no, I've got jury duty starting on the 16th.

Can't we put the trip off for a week?

What are we going to do?

Okay, okay.

I mean, maybe I'll be assigned to an easy case

I'll only have to be at court for a day.

This could still work out.

Oh, I hope so.

I think we could make some waves.

I'll work it out.

Members of the jury, the defendant Bob Taylor

has been charged with the armed robbery

of Jerry's Gas 'n Shop.

It is your duty to settle on a unanimous verdict.

You will now retire to the jury room for your deliberations.

Next case.

What we have here is an open and shut case.

Boy, Cousin, you were born to be a foreman.

I could kick myself for not bringing my camera.

Okay.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Not guilty."

"Not guilty."

"Guilty."

"Not guilty."

"Guilty."

Okay.

Which three morons, no offense...

Voted not guilty?

Cousin, excuse me. Excuse me.

We, we just took a secret ballot.

A secret ballot...

To decide a man's future.

A man's future.

Balki, shut up.

Shut up.

All right, now. (CLEARS THROAT)

Why don't we recount the evidence for the three of you

who seemed to have dozed off during the trial?

Now, the defendant was apprehended

on the night of the robbery with Exhibit A.

This jacket.

Wow. What a piece of goods.

Let me see the lining on that.

This jacket was positively identified

by the attendant.

BALKI: Cousin. Cousin... LARRY: Number two.

What's it, what is it? Cousin. Question.

What color were the assailant's pants?

Doesn't matter. Number two-- Oh, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

I beg to quibble with you.

The defendant's pants were brown. Okay?

Now, no one would wear brown pants with this jacket.

Number two.

The defendant was found with a gun in his pocket

the same type of gun used for the robbery.

Exhibit B.

And finally, we have Exhibit-- No, no, no, put that down.

Put it down. Hit the deck!

Okay, my finger is caught! Let go! Let go

Let my finger go. There.

People, people!

It's not loaded.

All right!

And finally, we have

Exhibit C.

The court record stating that $214

was found in the defendant's coat pocket.

The same exact amount of money stolen.

Coincidence, you say? I think not.

What we have here is enough evidence--

Cousin, Cousin, no, no! For any-- Is enough evidence--

No, no, Cousin, Cousin, I have a comment. I have a comment.

Now, now, now, this is interesting.

Bob testified-- Who is Bob?

"Who is Bob?"

I want him to answer.

Bob Taylor, Cousin. The defendant?

Now, we are deciding where Bob is going to spend

his next five to nine birthdays.

And you cannot even remember his name?

Cousin, he is Innocent Bob

until he is proven Guilty Bob.

Now, Bob testified that he was standing on the street corner

and all of a sudden another man come running along

and throw that jacket at him.

Now, I think that this is-- Don't think, okay?

Cousin. Cousin, let me finish my thought.

Let me finish my thought.

Cousin, I just want you to... I am here...

You're embarrassing me in front of the other jurors.

Now...

Facts are facts, people.

And it is our job to look at the facts

and then, using our objective minds,

vote to send this scum bum, pig filth up the river.

Okay, let's vote.

All right, pass them down here.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

Much better, people.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

Well, this is just great!

Thanks to you we have to go back

to the courthouse tomorrow morning!

Excuse me, cousin.

But I'm the one who ought to be upset

and I am upset.

Because I'm pretty sure that even as foreman

you had no right to try to make me change my vote

by forcing me to stand in a corner.

Hi, Larry, have you finished packing?

No, I haven't.

Jen, there's been a small hitch.

I'm not finished with jury duty.

But don't worry. I'll be finished early tomorrow morning.

Maybe if you finish packing your stuff you can pack mine.

Oh, well, Larry, I finished packing.

All I'm taking, is this.

(MOANING)

Of course, I don't know how much I'll be wearing this.

Mmm, mmm...

(PANTING)

Balki, I'd like to apologize

for being so hard on you

earlier this afternoon.

I'm calmer now.

You know, I think this might be a good time

for me to hear

your interpretation of the facts.

And then I can tell you exactly where you're mistaken.

If you're mistaken.

Listen, I am not mistaken.

I happen to have very good reasons for voting not guilty.

And I would love to hear them.

No, you wouldn't.

Yes, I would.

No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would.

No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would.

Tell me. Tell me.

Okay, Cousin.

Aside from the glaringly obvious fact

that the plaid jacket don't belong

in the defendant's wardrobe,

I noticed

that over a five-minute period

the defendant blinked his eyes

twenty-seven times.

I also noticed

he crossed his hands right over left.

Now...

If that don't say innocent

I don't know what does.

Okay.

Let's see.

Eye blinking...

Twenty-seven times! Mmm-hmm.

Hands crossed right over left. Right over left.

And the aforementioned wardrobe inconsistency.

"Wardrobe inconsistency."

Are you out of your mind?

Those are the stupidest observations I have ever heard!

Balki, this is America!

And in America

we use the facts.

And you, as an American citizen

must use the facts.

Cousin, I listened to the facts!

And I want you to know

that all of the evidence was circumcisional.

All right, all right, all right.

All right, Balki, I am going to show you

exactly what happened.

We are going to re-enact the crime--

Oh! We're going to act!

Okay.

All right, now, I will be the gas station attendant.

You be the robber. No, I'm not gonna be--

You be the robber-- I'm not gonna be the robber.

I'm not gonna be some scum-bug

pig-breath robber whose name wasn't even Bob.

Fine, you be the attendant. I can't be the attendant.

My shirt is too clean.

You, you just started your shift.

Okay, I could make that work. Uh...

Okay, all right, now,

when I, as the robber, come in,

you, as the attendant, are behind the counter.

Okay, now, I come in-- Cousin, Cousin...

If I'm the attendant-- What, what, what?

because this is not really, the counter right here.

You know, this is the peanut display right here

And right over here is the beef jerky.

And I just-- Balki, you know something?

I don't care about your beef jerky

or your peanut display!

I mean upholding justice!

Excuse me?

Going to Bermuda?

Well, who wouldn't want to go to Bermuda?

But that is not the point.

Okay, now, you're the attendant

You've got your-- Listen to me.

Cut the babasticki!

You want me to vote guilty

and send an innocent man to rot away in prison

so that you can go to Bermuda with Jennifer?

That's not it at all!

But, you, you don't understand!

Cousin...

All she's bringing is this, this little--

Cousin... This tiny thing just blow...

And I was, you know, thinking maybe we could...

(PANTING)

You know what, you're not the only one who had plans.

Today is the last day that the carnival is in town

and I was planning to go down and see how many times

I could ride the Tilt-O-Whirl before I got sick

and now that dream is shattered!

BALKI: He blinked 27 times.

Okay?

Twenty-seven times!

No plane, no Bermuda...

No bikini.

You know, I'm gettin' just a little

sick and tired of you, Captain Garlic.

Why don't we try a little physical persuasion

to help him come to the right decision?

All I am trying to do is to prevent you

all of you, from making a horrible mistake.

And just for your information a clove of raw garlic

each day will ward off heart attack.

(DEEP SIGHING)

All right, all those in favor

of pulverizing this guy, say "Aye!"

ALL: Aye!

Cousin. Cousin.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Cousin, Cousin--

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Stop getting... Hey, hey, hey!

Cut it out!

What you are doing is wrong!

You're condemning a man for having the guts

to stand up for what he believes in

no matter how stupid it is.

So... So what if we're inconvenienced

for a couple of days?

Locked away from our wives,

and their, their teeny tiny little bikinis.

Let's get him! Come on!

All right, no, no!

Wait! Wait!

Stand back. Get back!

Whose side are you on, anyway?

Now listen, Cousin. (STAMMERS) Let me just try

try talking to them for a second.

I have a way with angry mobs.

Fellow jurors, please.

You are acting exactly like a flock of sheep

before the winter shearing.

You're, you're jumpy

itchy, chafed.

Let's hurt him! Come on...

No!

(EXHALES LOUDLY) (ALL GROANING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right, just hold your breath and he's ours!

(ALL INHALE DEEPLY)

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Excuse me!

Hello...

Just having a little discussion.

they caught the real thief

and he confessed and the judge dropped

all the charges against Mr. Taylor.

Anyway, you people are free to go.

MAN 2: Let's go. MAN 3: Okay.

MAN 4: Let's get out of here.

Look, pal, I'm...

I'm sorry, uh...

No offense, huh? Hey, you were venting.

Well...

Balki, I'm sorry you had to see

the ugly side of jury duty.

wasn't exactly the experience you were looking for.

No, uh, it wasn't, but, uh,

the good news is that an innocent man

is going home and a guilty man is going to jail.

And it's nice to know

that one small garlicky voice

can make a difference.

I'm just sorry I had to miss my plane

to Bermuda to learn that.

Oh, you can still make it to Bermuda.

See, according to airline policy

when serving jury duty, a note from the court

is an exception to restricted air travel.

I'll get you one.

Well, thank you.

Cousin, this worked out swell for everybody.

Justice was served and you get to go

to Bermuda with Jennifer and...

That means that, uh, Mary Anne and I

will have the house to ourselves, uh...

You know what that means, don't you?

Huh?

(LAUGHTER)

Giant jigsaw puzzles? You know me so well.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)