Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Hi!

I've got everything we'll need for Thanksgiving...

Dinner.

I got everything we need for Thanksgiving dinner.

Thanksgiving dinner is as good as cooked.

Pass the word...

Oh, I guess it is true what they say.

Birds with no feathers do flock together.

May I ask why?

Well, I assumed that I would cook dinner this year.

It's my first Thanksgiving as Larry's wife, and I want it to be special.

I've made Thanksgiving dinner every single year since I come to America.

So... So I just assumed that, that

I would, I would make it again. (SNIFFLES)

Well, that, that's okay.

and you take Christmas and Mud Day?

Balki, we don't celebrate Mud Day in this country.

Well, it's just as well. You'd only commercialize it.

Wait a minute, I wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner

so I could prove to a certain someone

what a wonderful wife I would make.

You invited someone?

You are not gonna believe what I just did.

You forgot we moved and you went back to the old apartment again?

Yeah, I did.

and I was writing a turkey story--

Now, Mr. Wainright occasionally calls your writing mediocre

but he has never come out and called one of your articles a turkey.

Well, except for that one time but you weren't even in the room

so, as far as I'm concerned, it never happened.

I mean I was writing a story about turkeys

for tomorrow's Thanksgiving edition.

Well, in that case, never mind.

Well, anyway, while I was interviewing Mr. McGregor

he told me he was retiring

So, having a keen eye for a quick profit, I took 'em all.

How many is all?

Fifty-eight turkeys?

They're being unloaded in the backyard right now.

(GASPS)

Oh, cousin, this is wonderful!

The most pets I ever had before was 17.

They're an investment.

Investment. Investment.

Larry, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

How are you gonna get rid of all these birds

and get your... I mean our money back?

Very simple, I have...

ALL: Oh, God! A plan!

(TURKEYS GOBBLING)

Attention, last minute shoppers!

Get your fresh turkeys.

Whack 'em and sack 'em.

Whack 'em and sack 'em? Larry, that's disgusting.

If you think that's disgusting, you don't even wanna know

what they do to eggplant on Mud Day.

I'm following Balki's recipe for stuffing

and it calls for one pinch of GP.

Probably ground pepper.

I better ask Balki.

Balki? BALKI: Yeah?

What does GP stand for? Goat pancreas.

But I think I used the last of it on my breakfast cereal.

Where am I gonna get goat pancreas now?

LARRY: Shut the door! Shut the door!

(GOBBLING)

Oh, hello turkeys.

LARRY: Unlock the door! Unlock the door!

Well, I wish you'd make up your mind.

Come on, come on.

Balki! Balki, get 'em out. Get 'em out. Get 'em outta here. Come on.

Get 'em out. Get 'em out.

Come here, come here, come here.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

I got it. All right, we're leaving. We're leaving.

Just take these out, take these turkeys outta here.

And stop trying to put those little pilgrim hats on 'em.

How about... How about just them little buckles on their shoes?

No.

How about just little lace bibs?

(SIGHS)

Where's my ring?

I've lost my diamond ring.

Well, well, don't worry, Jen. We'll find it.

Are you sure it was on the counter?

Yes, Larry, I'm sure.

Every time I cook,

Salt, pepper, diamond. Salt, pepper, diamond.

Only now it's salt, pepper, nothing.

No one's been in here but us and the turkeys.

Larry, if one of your stupid birds ate my ring

you'll be the one who gets whacked and sacked.

(GOBBLING)

(BEEPING)

(CONTINUES BEEPING)

(SIGHS) Well, I'm exhausted.

We've been doing this all night.

(SIGHS) Cousin, shhh. (WHISPERS) She'll hear you.

Balki, I don't believe this.

We've checked every turkey three times.

There's no metal in any of them.

What do you mean "He didn't swallow it?"

Well, maybe he hid it.

He hid it?

that turkeys are the practical jokers of the farmyard.

And when you consider how gullible the cows are

and the fact that chickens have absolutely no sense of humor, whatsoever,

well, you can imagine how kooky things can get.

(TURKEYS GOBBLING)

If any of you find a ring out there,

there's extra corn in it for you.

Balki, one of the turkeys had to swallow it.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

All right, now, Jennifer set the ring down on the counter. Right?

Right.

Mary Anne opened the door, the turkeys came in. Right?

Right.

And you took the turkeys back outside and the ring was gone.

Right? Right.

And we haven't sold any turkeys. Right?

And we haven't sold any turkeys. Right?

This is where you are supposed to say "Right." Right?

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

Did you ask me a question?

Turkeys.

We haven't sold any turkeys. Right?

Mmm, more or less.

What do you mean "More or less?"

Have you ever been in a situation

where you were given a job to do and you did that job well

You later found out that the job you did well

was the wrong thing to do even though you thought

it was the right thing to do at the time

that you were doing that good job.

What?

Have you ever been in a situation where... Where you were given--

Balki! What are you talking about? (SCREAMS)

Oh, no, no! What are you talking about?

Don't hurt me. I'm not gonna hurt ya.

No, I'm not gonna hurt you. No, of course.

Come on. Come on.

You can talk to Cousin Larry, huh?

Just tell Cousin Larry what you did.

Cousin Larry is nice to me. He is.

Yes. Yes, he is. Yes, he is. He's, he's just a nice guy.

Oh, he sure is.

I sold one of the turkeys to the Johnsons. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(SCREAMS)

Why would you do that?

Well, it kind of made sense at the time.

I mean, it was the day before Thanksgiving.

And, and we had dozens of turkeys out in the backyard

and a sign in the front yard that said "Turkeys for Sale",

I guess I just wasn't thinking.

Balki, we have got to get that turkey back from the Johnsons.

No problem. I know what to do.

(GOBBLING)

Wow!

What was that?

(STUTTERS) Romantic.

I think we're gonna see that turkey

I sold to the Johnsons any second.

As I recall, not an unattractive bird.

No.

No.

By now, the Johnsons' turkey is cooked.

Well, cousin, that's not all we're gonna have to do.

We're gonna have to deal with

fifty-seven romantic turkeys that are headed this way.

(TURKEYS GOBBLING)

All right, all right. Now, remember, let me do all the talking.

Cousin, I still think we're better off telling the truth.

What am I supposed to say to her?

and I would just like the opportunity

to rummage through the bird in the hopes of retrieving it?

I'd believe it.

Something a little more believable.

I am going to tell her that you made a tiny error

and sold them a poisoned turkey

that could kill their entire family.

Then we'll exchange our bird for their bird and be on our way.

It's a whole lot simpler than telling them the truth.

All right, ready? Here we go.

Cousin, you know, I think it's...

I think it's too late to do your plan.

They're already having dinner.

Well, if they're already eating, the poison thing won't work.

All right, I'll have to think of something else.

Hello, Mrs. Johnson!

Well, get out of the window.

Mrs. Johnson likes me.

Hello, Balki.

Hello, Mrs. Johnson. Oh!

Happy Thanksgiving! Yes. Larry.

What can I do for you?

Uh, yeah, Mrs. Johnson, we're here, uh, because...

Because we are a full service turkey organization.

(STAMMERING) And, so, we're here to serve your bird.

(CHUCKLES)

That's, that's very sweet.

Uh, but we already have everything on the table.

(EXCLAIMING) What about seconds?

What about side dishes? What about beverages? What about desserts?

What about driver's side air bags?

Just stop it. Let me do the talking.

Mrs. Johnson, we're here to make sure that this is

the best darn Thanksgiving the Johnsons ever had.

Come on, Balki. We've got a meal to serve.

Believe me, nobody can dish it out like Cousin Larry.

Hello! Hello!

Don't stand up. Don't stand up.

Have you done something different in here?

I wouldn't know, I've never been in here.

Marion, what's the foreign boy from down the street doing here?

Well, I'm not really sure.

Um, Larry and Balki, this is my husband Howard.

BOTH: Hi! And this is our son Richie.

Our daughter Joanie, and Grandpa Johnson.

Well, it's a pleasure meeting you all.

We're here just to make your meal a little more enjoyable.

Well, Howard, Thanksgiving has always been a special time

at the Appleton home and, uh, I just thought

I'd like to share that special feeling this year with a few close friends.

What's the Appleton home?

And I'm Balki Bartokomous.

Do you use chestnuts or walnuts?

Me, I use a handful of beer nuts.

Uh, Balki. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Howard, would you do the honors?

Oh, yeah. And I missed it. (CHUCKLES)

And you know, it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving

without, uh, hearing grace.

Let us bow our heads. (SIGHS)

Dear Lord, we thank you for the food we are about to eat.

And for the good fortune our family's been blessed with.

We come together... All right, now...

If the turkey swallowed the ring...

HOWARD: ...two things easily taken for granted.

...which we also give thanks to...

All right, now listen, if the turkey swallowed the ring,

it would be in the gizzard.

You check the stuffing and the gravy. I'll check the turkey.

...today and always. Amen!

ALL: Amen!

I think we all have a little more

to be grateful for than that, huh?

so if we could just bow our heads again.

I'm hungry.

Me, too.

Which is why we have so much to be thankful for.

So could we just bow our heads

Thanksgiving.

The stuffing. Check the stuffing.

The stuffing. Shut up!

Thanks and giving.

I know! I know!

Heads down! Heads down! Nobody say amen.

Cousin, I know, I know what they-- Stuffing! Shut up! Shut up!

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, giving, giving...

The gravy, the gravy.

Giving, the... The act of

imparting or, uh, bestowing.

That's what I was gonna say.

Shut up!

Now, putting these two words

back together...

We have, we have... (STUTTERS) Thanksgiving.

The bestowal of gratitude.

Balki! Help me! Help me! Help me!

I see that we have so much to be grateful for.

Eyes down, missy!

(STAMMERING) Just the fact of...

(MUMBLING)

Just the fact of being together

is something to be grateful for.

Have you finished yet? I--

Oh! Oh, Howard!

Am I taking too long

to express gratitude to our Creator?

Hmm? I mean, you know, I could just say

that Howard didn't want to take the time

to thank the man upstairs.

Heads down! Heads down!

Get it off me! Get it off me!

Thanksgiving. Being grateful.

Grateful for the air we breathe,

for the few merciless... (GRUNTING)

(OBJECTS CLATTERING) I'm throwing them out.

Maybe we should do what they say.

(STUTTERS) I think they're crazy.

(LARRY AND BALK GRUNTING) (SHATTERING)

LARRY: Thankful to those for giving...

Cousin! Cousin, go deep.

(GRUNTING)

(COUGHS AND CLEARS THROAT)

Grandpa's choking on the ring!

Grandpa! Grandpa!

Let's get those arms up! Arms up! Arms up!

(SQUEALING)

Come on!

Come on, you old geezer. Cough up the ring.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm not choking! I'm not choking!

Leave my father alone and get the hell out of here!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

You're welcome. And Happy Thanksgiving.

Larry, it was very nice of you

to donate those turkeys to the homeless shelter.

Well, I like to do what I can

for the less fortunate during the holiday season.

Cousin Larry's exact words were,

"As long as I'm stuck with all these turkeys,

"I may as well at least get a tax deduction out of it."

I think it would be nice if we all just, uh, took a moment and, uh,

gave thanks for all that we have.

Oh, well, um, I'm thankful for two of the best friends

anyone could ever hope for.

And I'm thankful to the most understanding husband

in the world who didn't get angry with me

when I found my diamond ring in my jewelry box.

I'm thankful that we have the opportunity

to share Thanksgiving together.

Well, uh...

I don't know where to begin. Uh...

This has been the most wonderful year of my life.

And I have a lot to be grateful for.

I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world

And the two dear friends who share it with us.

Although I know with a little time

and a lot more support,

I could've made a go of it.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm celebrating my first truly American holiday

as an American citizen, and, um...

I want to thank Mary Anne,

Cousin Jennifer

and Cousin Larry for all of their love and support.

And, um...

I want to thank the Johnsons for not calling the police

even though Grandpa Johnson wanted to press charges.

Let's eat.

Now, who had the Salisbury steak?

I did.

And the cheese enchilada? Yeah, over there.

I've got the lasagna.

Cousin, a Hungry Man for you.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)