Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

You... You seem a little distracted tonight, my little pork loin.

I was just thinking about Jennifer and Larry.

They get home from their honeymoon tonight.

Right about now, Larry's probably carrying Jennifer

across the threshold of their new apartment.

Isn't it romantic? Yes, it is.

Unless Cousin Larry threw his back out,

in which case, Cousin Jennifer is carrying him

across the threshold.

Which is still kind of romantic in a '90s kind of way.

Well, as long as the lights are low

and it's just the two of us,

why don't we take advantage of the situation?

(GIGGLES)

Shadow animals.

I'll get the screen and the lamp.

Balki, that wasn't what I was thinking.

Oh, what were you thinking?

Mary Anne, I need the key to the apartment.

Okay, Jennifer, so, I made one little mistake!

It was not a little mistake.

and now it's someone else's beautiful new apartment.

by this time tomorrow,

That's fine, Larry, but until you find that place,

I'll be living upstairs.

Oh, well, well, at...

Did you hear something? No.

And here we are back in the living room.

Now, this room has southern exposure,

so you get lots of light in here all day long.

BALKI: Look out, everyone!

I'm racing my jacket down the laundry chute!

Larry, I love this house.

It's everything I ever dreamed of.

Well, nothing's too good for you, sweetheart.

Yes! I won.

And this is one of my fastest jackets.

Uh, Mr. Dexter, I'd like to look at the upstairs again.

Sure.

Balki, isn't this great? Jennifer loves this house.

Cousin, you are going to be so happy here.

No, no, not here, we're not gonna be living here.

No, Jennifer and I could never afford a place like this.

Cousin, I... I... I know you think of me

as a simple country pumpkin

who just stepped off the goat, but...

Well, Balki, it's simple.

to make up for the one I lost.

I couldn't. All I could find was a dump.

Now, when Jennifer comes back downstairs,

I'm going to insist that we take this house.

She'll know we can't possibly afford it,

but I'll tell her I'm willing to sacrifice anything so she can have it.

She still won't take it,

and we'll live happily ever after...

In that dump.

Get it?

I... Uh...

I'm close.

But, eh, could we take it again from "Balki, it's simple"?

Balki, all you have to understand is that

the more Jennifer loves this house,

the more she's gonna love me.

The more Cousin Jennifer loves this house,

the more she will love Cousin Larry.

Yes, exactly.

Well, Jennifer, what do you think?

I mean, it's an amazing house, isn't it?

Oh, Larry, I love this house,

but we can't afford it.

Well, if you really want it,

I'll probably have to work a lot overtime.

Maybe even get a second job.

We won't be seeing each other that much, but...

Larry, I do love this house, but it's too expensive,

so I don't love it that much.

Well, if that's the way feel... Are you crazy?

Do you see the same house I saw?

Three spacious bedrooms?

Two and a half baths?

Did you see the laundry chute?

Yes, Balki, it's a very nice house

but it's just really too expensive.

Well, if you think it's too much...

How can you put a price on the happiness

that living in the house like this could give you?

Did you notice the window seat?

(GASPS)

to have a window seat like this?

What about when it's one of them cold Chicago nights

and it's way too windy to sit in the window seat?

You want some place nice and warm to snuggle up?

You got it!

You got it! Look at this!

It's a walk-in fireplace!

But if you think it's too much...

Larry, you know, Balki's right.

This house is too good to pass up.

I can work extra flights. It's worth any sacrifice.

(GASPS) Oh.

I'm sorry, all I had left over from my flight were meals from coach.

Would you like another bag of peanuts?

It's so cold in here.

Don't touch that!

Remember, we made a choice.

Pay for heat or pay for the rent.

I thought we sold our wedding gifts to pay for the rent?

so we could turn on the electricity.

Larry, it's cold.

I need to keep warm.

I have been under a lot of stress.

And that's my fault?

Me?

You... You're the one who had to have this house.

You're the one who found this house in the first place.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I wouldn't want to put you through the stress of opening the door.

Hi, Balki. Come on in.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I love it.

I love what you've done with the place.

I'm so glad you didn't fall into that Santa Fe trap.

Uh, I made you a housewarming gift.

It's a big batch of ferret juice.

Just let the fur rise to the top

and then skim it off.

Thank you, Balki.

I'll just go wash our glass.

This minimalist look you're going for is really starting to come together.

Balki, this isn't a minimalist look,

it's a poverty look.

We... We can't afford anything

and it's all your fault.

It's your fault we live like this.

and turning my life into a living hell!

Cousin, if you want to choke me,

if that makes you feel better, go right ahead.

(MUTTERING)

Okay, all right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm as much to blame as you are.

And now look at me!

And... And I'm...

And I'm too tense to...

Perform my husbandly duties.

Oh, that's horrible.

Larry, I can't go on living like this.

This house is cold, we're eating airline food,

and I just broke our only glass.

Larry, we can't afford this house. We have to move.

Jen, we have been over this.

There... There's no way we can break our lease.

at the slaughter house will come through.

Find a way to break... Cousin! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Sorry, sorry.

(GASPING)

May I make an observation?

I sense a lot of tension here.

Now, now, listen to me, cousin,

your landlord look like a nice man.

He look like if you explain yourself to him, he'll understand.

Just go to him and tell him the truth.

Well, you know...

That might just be crazy enough to work.

Well, what have we got to lose?

and... And tell him the truth!

I... I haven't tried that.

Maybe he'll feel sorry for me.

I know I do.

Well, feed me nails and call me rusty,

he's going to tell the truth.

Oh, Balki, Mr. Dexter will never let us out of the lease.

We have to help him. I have a plan!

Oh, God!

Come on, Balki. Larry should be with Mr. Dexter by now.

I just figured out what you want to do.

You want to call Mr. Dexter and pretend that we are people

who want to rent the apartment for more money.

That's right. That is dishonest.

I'm not going to let you do that.

All right, fine, Balki.

I'll call Mr. Dexter and tell him the truth.

Good.

He won't let us out of the lease.

It'll take every dime we have to pay the rent,

but eventually, we'll run out of dimes.

We'll be living on the street.

(GASPS) Oh, look! Look!

Balki, who's that?

Who's that digging through the trash for food?

Mrs. Schlegelmilch?

It's Cousin Larry.

Me?

It's Cousin Jennifer.

They're hungry.

Oh, sure, every once in a while you'll come by

our little cardboard box and give us some food,

but one day you'll come by

and we won't be there.

Why not?

We'll be dead. (CRYING)

But, hey, the important thing is you didn't have to lie.

No, Cousin Jennifer, I don't want you to be dead.

We have to be dead. We're dead! We're dead!

I don't want you to be dead! I don't want you to be dead!

Fine. Make the call. (GASPS)

Oh, you're good.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hello, Mr. Dexter. This is... No, Balki! Stop!

Disguise your voice. What?

Well, pretend you're someone else.

Who? Anybody! Just do it!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) This is Robin Leach.

Wishing you champagne wishes and caviar dreams

from my exclusive state-of-the-art super villa

in fabulous Puerto Vallarta!

Not long ago, I was in Chicago,

that glittering jewel of steel and glass

quivering on the edge of fabulous Lake Michigan,

you had for rent on fabulous Elm Street.

That's the one!

I happened to mention it to Charles and Di

and the Prince and Princess of Wales were wowed.

Chic Chuck and Divine Di said I would be foolish

not to climb on the Concorde

and jet right back here and take it!

What do you mean it's already been rented?

No! No!

and Liza and Ivana for a pull-out-all-the-stops

fabulous housewarming!

I need that house, Mr. Dexter.

Money is no object.

The... The current tenant is there with you?

Fabulous! It's real-life drama at its best!

Mr. Dexter, if you can get him to break his lackluster lease,

I'll offer you $100 more a month than you're getting now.

No? No? Did I say $100 more a month than you're getting now?

Small change in the glittering world of top real estate!

No? Triple!

I'll give you triple what you're getting now!

That's almost three times as much.

Mr. Dexter, I need that house.

Call me when the house becomes available.

My number? My number is, uh, is...

Wha... My number is 555-4693.

Will I repeat that?

555-46930.

No! No! No!

Go! Go! Go!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'm gonna kill you! I'm give up.

Mr. Dexter... Uh, goodbye, Mr. Dexter,

and remember to always reach for your dreams in life and love

and you too will be a winner!

Balki, where's Jennifer? (NORMAL VOICE) She's upstairs.

I gotta find her. She's upstairs.

I gotta tell her some great news!

Now, why you don't tell me your news.

All right, Balki, Balki, Balki,

I just came from Mr. Dexter's office

and you'll never guess what happened.

Okay. You know, I went to Mr. Dexter's

to try to get him to let us out of the lease.

Yeah. Okay.

he was gonna hold me to it.

But then, I told him the truth!

Me, Larry Appleton!

And here's the weird part, it worked!

The truth worked!

Get out of the city! Well, wait, wait, wait!

It gets better. You... You'll never guessed what happened.

Tell me, cousin, I never could guess what happened,

and not in a million years could I guess what happened.

You'd better tell me what happened.

I could tell from Mr. Dexter's end of the conversation

that someone was interested in renting our house.

And you're not gonna believe who it was.

Who? Robin Leach.

No! Yes!

No! Yes. Robin Leach!

He wanted to rent the house and he was willing to pay

more money than we're paying!

Well, that's when I saw my chance.

Oh, God.

Mr. Dexter was just about to let me out of the lease,

but I was too smart for him.

Please, cousin, don't tell me you were too smart for him.

I was way too smart for him.

When Mr. Dexter wasn't looking,

I'm going to call him and sublet the house to him

for three times what we're paying.

We'll make 200% profit every month!

Cousin, there's something I think you should know.

Well, hold on, because I've gotta make this call.

Well, there's something I've got to tell you.

Balki, hold on. Let me make this call.

Hello!

Pioli's Pizza?

Well, cousin, perhaps he's smitten with their...

with a delicioso deep-dish doughy crust!

Jennifer? Jennifer?

Larry! Larry, I'm glad you're home. I have great news.

So do I. You remember we decided the only way

we could afford this house was to rent a room?

Yes, I do.

I decided to take the responsibility on myself.

I found us a roommate.

Well, Larry, that's very sweet,

I would take on the responsibility of finding a roommate,

thereby reducing your stress.

I found us a roommate.

Well, that's very kind of you, but I found the perfect roommate.

(NORMAL VOICE) Mary Anne, what are you doing here?

I'm gonna live here.

Well, feed me bran and call me regular.

I'm gonna live here, too!

(MARY ANNE SHRIEKING) (LAUGHS)

Well, there are three bedrooms.

And we can split the expenses.

This is great! We'll have a big celebration dinner.

I hope you're all hungry, because I made a big batch of pig snout.

I've got it marinating right now in orange Kool Aid.

Hey, is this gonna be great or what?

Oh-ho!

(SIGHS) I'm gonna miss this apartment, Balki.

We had a lot of good times here.

Yes, we did.