Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Cousin, cousin, cousin!

I just ran into Big Carmine on the loading dock.

You know, the guy that can open a beer bottle

with his belly button?

to throw you a bachelor party.

I had no idea!

Would you like that? I'd love a bachelor party.

Is there gonna be any, uh,

bachelor-type entertainment, huh?

(CHUCKLES) Huh?

Oh.

Huh?

BOTH: Aah! (LAUGHS)

Stop, stop it.

What are we talking about?

I'm talking about the entertainment

Oh, oh, oh, that.

Well, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought we'd bob for onions.

And then, uh, play a few rounds

of pin the mustache on Miss Mypos.

Eh? Eh?

And then I thought we'd get down to the main event

of the bachelor party.

Team quilt-making. That's right.

That's right.

What a surprise! What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, we came to pick up Larry

I'm going along, too, even though I'm not engaged

because it would be a good experience

in case I ever become engaged

which is possible because I'm still single

and therefore eligible to become engaged.

Mary Anne?

Yes, Balki?

You have something on your chin.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, oh. Ahem.

He certainly knows where everything is.

So are you two ready for the big day?

Oh, yeah, we're all set.

(CHUCKLES) Then you've signed the papers?

What papers?

The prenuptial agreement.

After all, your best earning years are ahead of you.

And someone with your talents could make a lot of money

and you don't wanna lose it all on a messy divorce.

I wouldn't even consider asking Jennifer

to sign a prenuptial agreement.

We'll have lunch.

Oh, hi, Lydia. The new librarian's married.

Jennifer, Mary Anne, guess what. Guess what.

I'm throwing a bachelor party for Cousin Larry tonight!

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Aah! Aah! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, okay, stop, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Larry, I can't believe you're going to have

one of those disgusting bachelor parties.

(LAUGHING)

Enough, okay, okay...

Stop it, stop it, stop it. Don't...

Jennifer, it's not gonna be anything like that.

We're just gonna get together

and, uh, make a quilt.

Larry, give me a little credit.

I know what goes on at these things.

A bachelor party nearly destroyed my family.

My cousin April's fiance ran off with a stripper from his bachelor party.

He gave up a thriving dental practice

I love the Boom-Boom Room.

Oh, it's a real classy place.

They've got this thick carpeting that cushions your fall

if you slip off your barstool.

I just don't think I could ever marry a man

(LAUGHS)

Stop it! Stop it! Stop! Stop it!

Jennifer, Balki is organizing the bachelor party.

You have nothing to worry about.

Oh, I hope not.

Well, we better get going. I'll see you after lunch.

(LAUGHS) Stop it! Stop it!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

Goat doodle?

They're hairless.

There it is! Yeah, yeah.

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes! Quiet! Quiet!

Now look what you've done to his doodles!

Hey, Lar, lighten up. It's a bachelor party.

It's supposed to be loud.

You keep it up and I will send you home

just like I sent Fred home.

(LOWERS VOLUME) ALL: Oh, come on.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

Mr. Gorpley.

Come in.

Mr. Gorpley, I'm glad you're here.

Things... Things are kind of slow.

Looks like I got here just in time.

I brought everything we need.

Bartokomous, this party is about to heat up.

Okay, he's goin'! He's goin'. All the way!

(ALL CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CHEER)

ALL: Move it! Move it!

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet, or I am going to have to clear this room!

Balki! (SCREAMS)

Watch your doodles!

Mr. Gorpley.

Here.

Your...

Whistles.

(BOTH GASPING)

Tastes great. Less filling.

MAN: Five bucks says that Appleton can't do two.

Ah! Oh, I can do two!

Easy! Go!

ALL: (CHANTING) Go! Go! Go!

(ALL LAUGHING)

There we go.

(ALL CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Go! Go! Go!

ALL: (CHANTING) Go! Go! Go!

(ALL CHEERING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

BOTH: I'll get it.

LARRY: I got it! I got it.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

BALKI: I'll get the door.

I'll get the door. LARRY: I'll get the door.

LARRY: I got it. I'll get the door.

I thought our living room was bigger.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Who is it?

Oh, it's you.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Are you Larry Appleton?

Am I?

Well, of course, you are. Don't be meticulous.

(LAUGHING)

Hi. I'm Bambi.

(ALL CHEERING) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(MEN WHISTLING)

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

I'm trying to answer the phone,

but I can't concentrate with all this...

Ringing.

(SCREAMS)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Balki, our phone is inside the wall.

Oh. Ow. Oh.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

I'll find it.

Hello.

How may I direct your call?

Oh, it's Jennifer. Cousin, it's for you.

Hello?

Oh, oh, hi, Jen!

What... What bachelor party?

Oh! Oh! (STUTTERS) My bachelor party.

(STAMMERS) Well, it was very, very pleasant.

Uh, you wanna come on down? Well, sure.

Sure, that's...

(STUTTERS) Well, uh, isn't it a little, uh, early?

What? Noon? It's already noon?

What... No, no, no, I've been up for hours.

Yeah, oh, okay, all right. Yeah, sure.

Okay, okay. Come on down. See you in a few minutes.

Jennifer is coming down, so I can try on my wedding band.

(GASPS) Ow!

We have to clean this place up now!

Cousin, what should I do with this punch?

Throw it out.

Here, give me a hand over here.

There.

Oh.

Everything's fine.

No evidence of a bachelor party.

No evidence of a stripper.

No evidence of anything at all.

What's that?

That's my arm.

(GASPS) Oh, my Lord!

(GASPING)

That looks like Bambi.

(MIMICS BEATS THUMPING)

Balki!

I must have gotten this last night.

Where did we go last night?

Did we go down to the wharf?

(SNIFFING)

What did we do? Don't you remember?

Well, the last thing I remember is drinking punch

out of Bambi's bra.

That's the last thing I remember too.

It was a double.

Where do I come up with them?

Balki, Jennifer will be here any minute.

And I have a naked lady tattooed on my arm.

I have no reason to go on living!

(CRYING)

It's okay. I have everything under control.

I know what I have to do. I'll just cut off my arm.

(GRUNTING)

Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin, you cannot cut off your arm.

(GNAWING)

Why am I making myself crazy?

I'll just pull down my sleeve.

(SCREAMING) (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Balki, it's Jennifer.

If she sees my arm, my life is over.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

No, it's not, cousin.

Why aren't you helping me?

Put our right arm in the coat.

Now sit down.

Give me your hand.

Okay, here we go. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Jennifer.

Hi, Larry. Hi.

Oh, come in. Uh, sit down.

Uh, gosh, I wished I had known you're coming.

Uh, because, uh, because, uh, well,

because, uh, of course, I'm... I'm a mess.

Well, I can't wait for you to try on your wedding ring.

Oh, oh, uh, uh, uh...

Uh, Jennifer, well, uh...

You know...

Trying on a wedding ring before the ceremony

is bad luck.

Bad luck. Mmm-mmm.

No! No, no, no.

A total no.

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

BALKI: Argh!

Larry, that's ridiculous. Now give me your hand.

Uh, uh, oh, ooh.

BALKI: Argh! Ooh!

Uh, I just remembered.

(GROANS)

Uh, you know, I don't think the, uh,

wedding band will fit today,

uh, because, uh, because I'm...

(STUTTERING)

Ooh! Because

Water retention.

Yes, just... Oh, bloat! Bloat! Look at that.

Look at... Look at that bloat. Look at that bloat.

BALKI: Oh, ow, ow!

Larry, give me your hand.

Um, well, oh, oh, uh, okay.

Well, I never realized what long,

lovely, slender fingers you have.

Oh, oh, well, oh.

Oh, oh. (CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

Well, I would've described them

as, uh, strong and masculine.

Well, actually I always liked your short, chubby fingers.

I thought they were sexy.

Well, you know, you know...

(LAUGHS) Well, yes.

I... But, I had no...

Oh, I still have one of those! (LAUGHS)

The, uh, ahem, this hand, uh, represents,

uh, my strong masculine side.

(BALKI GROANS)

Well, whereas, uh, this hand,

uh, represents my soft, wimpy side.

Ouch!

(BALKI GROANING)

(SCREAMS)

Well, it's, uh, ahem, gas, gas!

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS) Better.

Ah! Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)

Larry. Hmm?

Why don't we stop this? Stop what?

I know about the Bambi tattoo.

(GASPS)

(GAGS)

(STUTTERING) You do?

Yes, I do.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLES)

Balki, you can come out now.

Oh, Jennifer, how long have you been here?

It's a nice try, but I know everything.

Well, well, could you fill us in?

(SCOFFS) Well, at 2:00 in the morning,

your friend Jimmy knocked on my door looking for his car.

He told me everything.

Evidently, Gorpley tricked Balki

into letting him take care of the entertainment.

So Gorpley hired Bambi and he spiked the punch.

Oh.

LARRY: Oh, well, Jennifer, Jennifer, I'm, uh...

I'm gonna have them change the tattoo.

I'm gonna make them add an apron and, and write "Mom".

Of course, I can never go home again, but, but...

That's a small price to pay for your forgiveness?

Oh, Larry, it isn't a real tattoo.

It comes off with baby oil.

It's one of Gorpley's little jokes.

Oh, but, you forgive me?

Of course I forgive you.

Now I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just clean that tattoo off

and then I think you should come upstairs

and apologize to Mary Anne?

Last night, someone from your party painted her dog.

Balki, what are you doing?

Well, I can see that,

but why are you sitting among the ashes?

Because I failed you.

And because of me, we drink a horrible alcohol, we break all the dishes,

and I have a vague recollection

of putting Mrs. Schleggelmilch down the garbage chute.

(SOBS)

I don't deserve the honor of being your best man.

So with a heavy heart,

I'm stepping down.

Balki, Balki, come out of the ashes.

No. No, no, Balki.

Come out of the ashes. No.

Come out of the ashes. No.

Balki, get out of the ashes!

Wait.

Balki.

The day I marry Jennifer

is gonna be the happiest day of my life.

And on the happiest day of my life

I want my best friend standing next to me.

Let's give him a call.

Balki, I couldn't have a better best man than you.

Really? Yes.

I want you to be my best man.

Then I accept.

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey